Sunday, March 29, 2015

Mega-Super Fitting

Agent 54 here again.  I got this call and then the video from this Mega-Super Fitting and was so excited I almost peed my pajamas.  I’ll start my report with the phone call from Megamind to Superman.  Megamind dials 555-Superma.
Superman

Superman:  Hello

Megamind:  Superma, (snicker) how are you?

Superman:  Yeah, real funny there Megamindy.

Megamind:  What?  Oh nevermind.  I have a proto-type suit ready for you to try on and test.

Superman:  Great Megaminor, I’ll be right over.

Megamind:  Oh no you don’t.  Ha ha, you thought I would just tell you where my mega-secret, impenetrable lair was didn’t you.  Well, you can get up pretty early in the morning but, you still can’t outsmart me.

Superman:  Well, how are we going to do this, Megamint?    
                                         
Megamind:  Okay this has got to stop.  First, I’ll say your name correctly if you stop destroying mine when we talk.  Deal?

Superman:  Deal!

Megamind:  Let’s meet at a neutral site like, say,,,Metro Man Museum in Metrocity in one hour.

Superman:  Uh, that doesn’t seem to be real neutral there in your Metrocity.

Megamind
Megamind:  Shccrrrrr what’s that?  Shcchchcch you’re breaking up shrrkrr,,,

Superman:  Okay, I’ll be there.

Megamind:  Good, Minion and I will be there in our disguises.  Don’t look for us, we’ll find you.

Superman:  Okay, whatever.  So, the suit looks good?

Megamind:  You’ll find out in an hour.  “Click”

Scene:  Superman’s magnificent, secret, Crystal Fortress of Solitude.

Lois Lane:  Honey did I hear you talking to Megamind again?

Superman:  Yeah, I’m meeting him in an hour.  That quirky little blue nuttball is more of a pain in the butt than I bargained for.

Lois Lane:  Oh dear, it will all be worth it if you look cute in the new anti-Kryptonite suit.

Superman:  You’re right sweetie.  Say talking on the phone kinda makes me hungry.

Lois Lane:  How did I know that would happen.  Give me a few minutes to make you a Mega-sandwich.
Megamind as Bernard

Superman:  Mega-sandwich?  Okay but, hold the nuttballs.

Scene:  Metro Man Museum in Metrocity in one hour.  Superman is looking at an antique phone booth display and wondering what it is doing in Metro Man’s museum?   A Nerd and a Robot Gorilla approach him.

Bernard:  Superman, what a delightful surprise to have you visit our museum.  I’m Bernard the curator and that is a fine example of a phone booth wouldn't you say.

Superman:  Yes, it is a fine display.  Are you aware that there is a Robot Gorilla with you?

Gorilla:  Hi Superman, nice to meet you.

Superman:  Make that a talking Robot Gorilla.

Megamind: (disguised as Bernard)  Superman, it’s me Megamind and Minion in our Holographic disguises.

Superman:  Yeah, I kinda figured that out.  Your disguise is great but, Minion, a talking Robot Gorilla?  I mean are there other talking Robot Gorillas around here or something?

Minion: (disguised as a talking Robot Gorilla) Uh, no sir, I just like dressing up like a Robot Gorilla.

Superman:  Yeah well, now it makes perfect sense.

Megamind and Minion
Megamind:  Enough foolishness (he hands a garment box with bunnies and ducky’s on it) get in there and try it on.

Superman looks at the box kinda sideways.

Minion:  Sorry Superman, it’s leftover from Easter.  It was all we had.

Superman:  Well, at least this phone booth dressing room is cool.

Superman steps into the booth and step right out again in the new costume.  Megamind and Minion stand there in shock with their jaws gaping open.

Superman:  Uh, It’s a little tight in the crotch region.

Megamind: (regaining his composure) Uh, I guess I underestimated your Supermanlyness.  I can fix that.  Did you look in the mirror yet?

Superman:  No, why? 

Superman looks in the full length mirror and sees that he’s wearing a beautiful new suit but, something is missing.  Ah yes, it’s his head and hands.  Everyone can see the suit but, now the person wearing it is invisible.  Superman quickly checks for his head with his hands.  Everything is where it should be, it’s just invisible.

Superman:  No no no, this will NOT do.  As a Superhero the citizens must see and trust my face.  The deal was for an anti-Kryptonite suit not an Invisibility suit that everyone can see!  How am,,,

Megamind:  Calm down Superman.   This is only the first proto-type.  You know, you can’t rush science.  Let’s try taking the Kryptonite test.  Now I’m going to slowly open this lead case that has just one pound of Kryptonite in it.  Respond if you feel anything.
Superman puking
Megamind begins to slowly open the case.

Superman:  Ugh, Awh, shut that thing, I’m gonna puke!

Megamind:  Minion, make a notes.  Failed Kryptonite test, Causes invisible test subject and tight in the crotch.

Minion:  Got it sir.

Superman:  Ugh, I still don’t feel too good.  I think the suit makes it worse.  I’m gonna change before someone sees Superman puking out of an invisible head.

Megamind:  Minion, make that Really, Really Failed the Kryptonite test.  I wonder where we went wrong?  Maybe we cured the Lead-Carbon Nano Tube Fibers in Ultra-violet light for too long.

Superman has changed and looks like he’s back to his super self.

Superman:  Wow, that was really bad.  It makes me wonder, did I pick the right guy for this job?

Megamind:  Of course you did!  This was just the first prototype and we learned a lot from it.

Superman:  Yeah, like what?

Megamind:  Well, I have to go back to my mega-secret, impenetrable lair and analyze the results scientifically before,,,

Superman:  (Interrupting) Look!  Next time you call me, I expect better.  I’m outa here.

Superman flies off through a sky-lite back to his magnificent, secret, Crystal Fortress of Solitude.  Back at the museum, Minion and Megamind discuss the day’s events.

Minion:  Wow, sir, he wasn’t real happy with you, uh I mean us.

Megamind:  Ha! Then let him make his own suit.  He’ll get over it.  He knows that only me, Megamind has any chance of making this thing work.

Minion:  Well, I thought that invisible body in the visible suit was pretty cool.

Megamind:  It is pretty cool isn’t it?  Just not very practical.

Minion:  Well, I thought that on Halloween you could make headless horseman costume that would be a big hit.

Megamind:  Ah Minion, you always know the right things to say to cheer my evilness up.  Let’s grab this stuff and get out of here.

Minion:  Yes sir, by the way, did you see the look on his face when he looked in the mirror?  Oh, I guess not! 

Both villainous beings chuckle.  

Megamind and Minion working in the lab.



Well, before science can have spectacular success they often have spectacular failures.  Let’s hope it goes better next time for Megamind and Superman. 


Monday, March 23, 2015

Stupid is as Stupid Does (Burgundy Campaign In Alabama)


  Agent 54 here again.  Today we found the Ron Burgundy Presidential Campaign in Bayou La Batre Alabama.  Ron is conducting a town hall style meeting in the old High School gym with about 40 citizens and the Burgundy campaign volunteers.  Just before
Dan Rather
Ron walked on stage, former C-BS News anchor Dan Rather stood up in the crowd and shouted “smelly Pirate hookers!” before stripping off his trench coat and revealing his birthday suit.  Campaign volunteers Joe B. and John Rittler tackled Rather and held him until security for the
Bayou La Batre Psychiatric Hospital arrived to took him back to the hospital.  We pick the meeting up just at the end of Ron’s opening remarks.

Ron:  …because I was always taught that a good offense makes a strong defense and I’m for a strong National Defense.  (polite applause)

Woman in the crowd:  Ron, your hair is a work of art!

Ron:  Thank you darling,  okay now I want to open this up and hear what yall have to say so raise your hands if you have a question.  Yes, you sir with the red hat.

Campaign Volunteer, Maureen takes the microphone to Forrest Gump who still has his hand raised as high as he can.

Maureen: (quietly) Take the mic., Go ahead, take it.

Forest:  Now?  (Maureen nods)  My name is Forrest, Forrest Gump.

Ron:  Forrest Gump everyone (polite applause)  What’s your question Mr. Gump?

Forest:  Did you read the Affordable, (looking down at notes written on his hand) Affordable Healthcare Act bill?

Ron:  No, my name is Ron, not Bill. (The Only Wendy Shade whispers in Ron’s ear).

Ron:  Oh, you mean the legislation known as Obamacare.

Forrest:  Yes sir, I do.

Ron:  Well, no I haven’t read it.  That bill was 2700 pages.  Nobody read it.  Not even the people who voted for it in Congress could tell you what was in it.  Even then Speaker of The House, Nancy Pelosi said “you have to pass it to find out what’s in the bill”.   That bill was unreadable.

Forrest’s hand goes straight up in the air as high as possible again even though he still has the mic. in his other hand.

Ron:  Yes Mr. Gump, you don’t have to raise your hand again.

Forrest:  Why did someone write a bill that nobody could read?

Ron:  Well, that’s a great question. Uh, I don’t know, it seems kinda stupid to me.

Forest:  Stupid is as stupid does.

Ron:  You have a point there Mr. Gump.

Forest:  Because my Shrimp Boat company Accountant man told me that I have to fire 12 people in my Shrimp Boat company that didn’t do nothing wrong, because we can’t afford their healthcare because of the Affordable Healthcare Act bill.  (the crowd groans)

Ron:  That’s terrible.

Forrest:  Mama said before she went to heaven that being mean to people who didn’t do nothing wrong is bad.  (applause)

Ron:  Well, having to fire 12 good hardworking people who don’t deserve it because of a bill that was supposed to make their healthcare more affordable is terribly stupid.

Congressman Forrest Gump?
Forrest:  Stupid is as stupid does.  Mr. Candidate Burgundy, will this Affordable Healthcare Act bill make me do something stupid and bad?

Ron:  Uh, well, I guess it will,,,so,,,when I’m President of the United States I will repeal the Affordable Healthcare Act. (loud applause,  shouts and whistles from the crowd)  I promise to get rid of Obamacare so good people won’t lose their jobs. (louder applause)

Ron:  Say Mr. Gump, you sure do have a grasp on the issues of the day.  The Congress could use a man like you. Have you ever thought about running?

Forrest:  Oh yeah, I run all the time.  I ran here today.

Ron:  Well Ladies and Gentlemen it looks to me like we have the next Congressman from Bayou La Batre here today, Mr. Forrest Gump!  (wild applause, the crowd starts chanting “Gump, Gump Gump”)


Forrest:  Well, okay then.




Saturday, March 21, 2015

Mega-Super Project

  Agent 54 here again.  The anticipation has been building all week.  I knew this phone call was going to be epic.  Finally, it came and it was so worth the wait.  Here’s my report on the call from Superman to Megamind.
Minion

Scene:  Inside Megamind’s Mega-Secret, impenetrable lair we see Megamind’s sidekick, Minion doing some light house cleaning.  The phone rings.

Minion:  Hello, Megamind’s Mega-Secret, impenetrable lair, tell us who you are and we’ll decide if we care.

Superman:  This is Superman calling for Megamind.  What was your name, Munchkin?

Minion:  Superman!  Uh, Minion, my name is Minion and I’ll go get my boss right away.

Megamind enters the room.

Megamind:  Minion, I’m getting hungry.  Who are you talking to?

Minion:  It’s Superman for you, Sir.

Megamind:  Superman!  What could he want?  Do you think he knows where the   Mega-secret, impenetrable lair is?  You better get out of here so I can concentrate on his call.

Minion:  Right, Sir,,, to the kitchen to make sandwiches!

Megamind:  Minion, please stop imitating Buzz Lightyear.  That’s so annoying.

Minion:  Sorry, Sir.

Megamind
Megamind: (on the phone)  Heeello, ha ha ha (evil laughter) this is Megamind, how can I help you?

Superman:  Yeah, Megamind, who was that other guy, Onion?  Nevermind, I wanted to discuss something with you.

Megamind:  Superman!  How did you find out where my Mega-secret, impenetrable lair is?  Who ratted me out?  What are your intentions?

Superman:  Hey, take it easy.  I don’t know where your,, your, I don’t know where you are and I don’t really care.  I got your number from Buzz Lightyear although 555-v-i-l-l-i-a-n  is pretty obvious, I mean I probably could have figured that one out by myself.

Megamind:  Is this a trick?  Are you coming to try to penetrate my Mega-secret, impenetrable lair?

Superman:  No, now c’mon.  You know that being a “Good Guy”, if you ask me if it is a trick and it is, I have to tell you.  So there now.  Can we talk?

Megamind:  Yes, I am aware of the “Good Guy” code.  Okay, so Superman, what’s on your mind?

Superman:  Well, I was talking to Buzz Lightyear about my little problem,,,

Buzz Lightyear
Megamind: (interrupting)  Buzz does like to talk, doesn’t he.  He’s alright, a bit of a Goody Two Shoes do-gooder but, he’s okay.  No offense!

Superman:  None taken.  So let’s get down to it.  I have a problem with Kryptonite.  I can use lead to shield myself from it but, did you ever try to make a costume out of lead?  I mean talk about clunky.

Megamind:  Yes, I can imagine that.  Definitely NOT Superhero like.

Superman:  Yeah, well, Buzz told me you use carbon nanotube fibers for your costumes so I put 2 and 2 together and thought that with your great mind you could find a way to blend lead with the carbon nanotube fibers and come up with a Super- Mega material for my new costume that would protect me from Kryptonite.

Megamind:  A lead-carbon nanotube fiber Super-Mega, no, no, a Mega-Super material.  That’s brilliant!  Why didn’t I think of that?  Yes, yes I could definitely do that.  I think I could do that.  If anyone could do that it would be me.  Okay Superman, If I decide to do this, what’s in it for me?

Superman:  Well, for starters you would get one third the credit for inventing the stuff and half the merchandising rights thereafter.

Megamind:  Nope!  No good.  I want all the credit for inventing the stuff and 75% of the merchandising rights or you’re on your own.

Superman:  All the credit!  Are you nuts?  What’ll I tell Buzz?

Megamind:  schrrrrrbizzz   Whoa Superman, looks like our connection is breaking up  schdddddbllzzzz,,,

Superman:  Okay, okay,  I’ll just have to make Buzz say yes somehow.  Okay you get it all.  Besides I do too much merchandising already.

Superman
Megamind:  I knew you’d see it my way, he he he (evil laughter).  Now, one more thing.   Suppose I make this suit for you and it works.  You’ll be virtually invulnerable  and undefeatable.  How do I know you won’t use your new invincibility against my evilness.

Superman:  Well, I’ll just have to promise to look the other way when you do your evil thing, as long as you confine yourself to doing it in Metro City.

Megamind:  It’s Metrocity.  We call it Metrocity.

Superman:  Yeah, Okay, Whatever, do we have a deal?

Megamind:  We have a Mega-Deal! I can’t wait to get started. (calling to the kitchen)  Minion, get in here and bring a note pad, we’re going shopping. (to Superman)  So, give me your number so I can call you when I get a proto-type ready.

Superman:  Right, it’s 555-S-u-p-e-r-m-a.

Megamind:  555-Superma?  Really?  That’s like a number some mommy blogger would have.  Not too well thought out there Superma.

Superman:  What!  I was in a hurry.  You know.  There’s 8 letters in Superman and only 7 in a phone number.  What was I to do?

Megamind:  I would have thought of something.  Nevermind, I’ll call you Superma.  Click

Megamind hangs up as Minion enters the room with a note pad.

Megamind's Impenetrable Mega-Secret Lair 
Megamind:  Ah, good Minion, I’m going to need a half ton of lead and half ton of Kryptonite from the Villianworld super supply store and then we need to go to Sears to check out the latest high-tech sowing machines.

Minion:  Can I ask you sir, what this is all for?

Megamind:  I’m working on a secret Mega-Super Project with Superman himself.

Minion:  Congratulations Sir!  Bye the way, our sandwiches are ready.

Megamind:  Great!  You know they say never go shopping on an empty stomach.  Thank you Minion.

Minion:  My evil pleasure, Sir.

Meanwhile, at Superman’s pad:

Superman:  (to author, Timothy)  Pad?  Really? Did you really call it a pad?  Austin Powers crashes at a “Pad”.  This is my Crystal Fortress.  You want to get it together now?
Coffee

Timothy:  Sorry Superman.  It’s just that, I’m a little tired.

Superman:  Okay, we’ll take 10 and you can get another cup of coffee and come back to fix it.

Timothy:  Yeah, thanks, I’m on it.

Meanwhile at Superman’s magnificent, secret, Crystal Fortress, Lois Lane walks into the living area where Superman is seated on a beautiful couch and watching his big screen giant holographic T.V.  She sits and snuggles next to him.

Lois:  Hey Hun, who was that on the phone?

Superman:  Hey Sweetie, it was Megamind.  I talked him into making me a new costume that will protect me from Kryptonite.

Lois Lane
Lois:  Cool, you always wanted one of those.  Hey, weren’t you going to call Buzz Lightyear about that. Why is Megamind helping you?  Isn’t he evil? 

Superman:  Nah, not really.  He’s just a bit of a control freak.  In the negotiations I had to fake like I cared if he got the credit for inventing the new material he’s making.  
Like I need the credit.

Lois:  That’s funny.  He sounds like a nuttball.

Superman:  Yeah, a super-genius nuttball.  Hey Honey, all that negotiating has made me kinda hungry.

Lois:  I got it,,to the kitchen to make a sandwich!

Superman:  Oh no, not you too.  

 OMG, was that worth the wait or what?






Saturday, March 14, 2015

Super problem

Agent 54 here again.  I got to listen to a call between some Super Heroes of mine.  You know they have personal problems from time to time that they want to solve too.  Here’s my report on Superman and his problem and who he looked to for advice.
Buzz Lightyear

Buzz Lightyear:  Hello this is Buzz Lightyear of Star Command.

Superman:  Hello Buzz this is Superman, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something.

Buzz:  Superman! Well this is a surprise.  What’s the trouble? Is the Galaxy being threatened by some intergalactic bad guys again?

Superman:  No, no, nothing like that. It’s…

Buzz:  (interrupting) Because Buzz Lightyear is ready at a moment’s notice to go to Infinity and beyond to help you protect the Universe, Superman.

Superman:  Yeah, that’s great Buzz but, it’s more personal than that.

Buzz:  Really?  How so?

Superman:  Well, everyone knows that I have like an allergy, only worse, to Kryptonite.  I mean prolonged exposure to that stuff could kill me.

Buzz:  That’s really bad.

Superman:  Yeah, well you know that if I can encase the Kryptonite in lead, then I can just fly it out of the galaxy and just chuck it as far as I can and it’s gone.

Buzz:  I guess you can chuck it to infinity

Superman
Superman:  Buzz!  Calm down.  It’s just you and me here.  You don’t have to put a show on for me.

Buzz:  Got it.  I get carried away sometimes.

Superman:  It’s okay.  So, by now I’ve had these lead cases made and I’ve chucked every piece of Kryptonite I can get my hands on, well not literally because I can’t touch the stuff but, I’ve chucked tons of this stuff away.  Still my enemies seem to come up with more of it.  I don’t know where they get it.

Buzz:  Maybe it’s an underground Kryptonite black market.  You want me to investigate and put a stop to this evil business?

Superman:  Yeah, uh, that would be great but, I was thinking more about protection for myself.

Buzz:  You want me to be your Kryptonite body guard?

Superman:  No, now hang in there with me Buzz.  It’s just that I know you have some Hi-tech equipment and I was thinking about a new custom made costume for me that might have the protection of lead but, be light weight and pliable enough for me to fly around and beat the hell out of bad guys and rescue people and all.  So, tell me, who makes all your stuff?

Buzz:  All my equipment is issued to me from Star Command.  I’m afraid the manufacturer is top secret.  I couldn’t divulge that information even if I knew it.

Superman:  Top Secret!  I’m Superman for cryin out loud!

Buzz:  I’m super sorry, Superman.

Superman:  Yeah, well, I knew it was a long shot.  Thanks anyway Buzz.

Buzz:  Wait a space minute, I think I know someone who can help you.  Yes, he’s always making his costume materials out of those super strong carbon nanotube fibers.  I’m sure he could come up with something for you.
Megamind

Superman:  Terrific! Who is it?

Buzz:  Megamind!

Superman:  Megawhat?

Buzz:  You remember that quirky little blue headed guy?  Real smart, thinks he’s evil but, he’s really just a control freak.  Remember?  Megamind from Metro City.

Superman:  Oh yeah, I remember him now.  He is smart.  Maybe he could come up with a lead-carbon nanotube fiber combination that would do the job.  Hey, do you have his number.

Buzz:  Absolutely, it’s 555-v-i-l-l-i-a-n.

Superman:  Thanks a million Buzz.  If this works out you could literally be a lifesaver.

Buzz:  Glad to be of service to you Superman, because it’s all part of a Space Ranger’s creed to protect the Universe and…

Superman:  (interrupting)  I’m going to call Megamind now.

Buzz:  Oh, you know I think he’s on vacation with his girlfriend Roxanne Ritchi in Belize.  If you call him now you’ll just get his sidekick, Minion.  I’d try him next week.

Minion
Superman:  Thanks Buzz.

Buzz:  One more thing Superman.  When you talk to Megamind you have to remember that he thinks he’s evil.  How are you going to convince him to work with you for good and not evil?

Superman:  Good question.  I guess I’ll have to make a deal with him to look the other way if he keeps his “evilness” confined to Metro City.

Buzz:  Metrocity, he calls it Metrocity as in all one word.

Superman:  Metrocity, like atrocity?  What a nuttball!  Well, I guess eccentricity is the price you pay for genius.  Okay, see you later Buzz.

Buzz:  Goodbye Superman, To,,, the kitchen to make a sandwich.

Superman:  Bye Buzz, Click.




Wow, that was so exciting.  Can you imagine a Lead-Carbon Nanotube Fiber suit for Superman?  I can’t wait to listen to the call from Superman to Megamind.  That’s gonna be wicked cool.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Burgundy Campaign Races On

  I use my NSA equipment to get the best HD looks at NASCAR.  I caught up with  the Burgundy Campaign visiting this week’s race track.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Howdy NASCAR fans, I’m Blitzed Wolfer for CAN the Cable Ass Network and I’m here in Phoenix Arizona for the CampingWorld.com 500 Race.  It's NASCAR race week at Phoenix International Raceway as we will be running hard on Sunday afternoon.  I’m here with NASCAR legend Ricky Bobby who will be driving a Dodge Charger in the race and Presidential candidate Ron Burgundy who drives a Dodge Durango.  Gentlemen, good to see you both.

Ricky Bobby:  Hey Buzzed, it’s great to be here.  I’m a getting ready to go fast.

Ron Burgundy:  It’s Blitzed.  His name is Blitzed.

Ricky:  Blimpezed?  Butzed, Bitzed?  What the heck?  You know it’s kinda noisy here around the track.

Blitzed:  No, no its Bl-it-zed, like in football.

Ricky:  I love football.  Them Arizona Cardinals go fast like me.  Shake and Bake!

Ricky attempts to give Ron a “high five” but Ron has no idea what is going on.

Ron:  Uh, no thank you.  You know, this is a very nice track.  I’d like to drive my
Blitzed Wolfer
Dodge Durango around it for a few laps.

Ricky:  Yeah and the Durango is a nice truck but, this ain’t a truck track.

Blitzed:  Actually Ricky, they do race trucks at this track.

Ricky:  Get out of town!  Well, they say you learn something new every day when you stop smokin weed.

Ron:  You know, I heard that myself on the Campaign trail.

Ricky:  That’s right, I heard you’re running for President.  That’s pretty cool.  Running for President is like racin cuz If you ain't first, you're last.

Ron:  Well, that’s sorta true in the end but, we’re in the primaries now and you can finish second or third or even fourth in some states and it’s okay, and you might not win in the primaries but, you can get picked for Vice-President.

Ricky:  Huh?

Ron:  It’s like your Shake and Bake buddy, Cal Naughton Jr.  He helps you win and then he’s your Vice-Winner.

Ricky Bobby
Ricky:  Nah.  We ain’t got no Vice-Winner in Nascar.  That’s dumb.  If you ain't first, you're last.

Blitzed:  Well, that is our political system.  You have race to see who is ahead in the polls and then you choose a Vice-President from the candidates that didn’t win.

Ricky:  You mean pickin the best loser.  That’s dumb.

Ron:  It is quite an honor to be picked for Vice-President.

Ricky:  Do the Vice-Presidents have to wear a big L on his jacket to let everyone know he didn’t win?

Ron:  No, Vice-Presidents dress in fine suits and have many leather-bound books.

Ricky:  So, when the President wins, he gets to be Commander in Chief.  What does the Vice-President do?

Ron:  (a little flustered) Well he, he goes to shopping malls and says stuff.

Ricky:  Oh, you mean like when I go to Food City and sign loafs of Wonderbread and ladies boobies and stuff and tell everybody how much I enjoy eating Wonderbread the bread of Champions.

Blitzed:   Let’s switch gears here for a moment.  Tell me Ricky, who’s your biggest competition here this week?

Ricky:  Bumpzed, I ain’t got no competition here.  I’m Ricky Bobby.  I go fast.

Ron:  Well, I’d like to wish you good luck in your race on Sunday.

Ricky:  Luck got nothing to do with it. I’m Ricky Bobby.  I go fast.  If you ain't first, you're last.  Uh, I want to wish you good luck in your race and I hope you don’t have to be Vice-Winner.

Ron:  Uh, thank you, I guess.

Blitzed:  Well, I’m sure both races will be exciting to the end. That raps it up from the CampingWorld.com 500 Race in Phoenix Arizona.  This is Blitzed Wolfer on the campaign trail for CAN.

Let's go Kurt Busch #54

 Boggity Boogity Boogity Let’s go racin!

Sunday, March 8, 2015

I Can Bearly Stand It.

  Agent 54 here again.  With all this snow burying the much of the country, I couldn't help think of how happy all those poor Polar Bears must be now that Algore has totally defeated Global Warming.  I couldn't bear not reposting this interesting phone call for Silly Sunday.

Yogi:  Hey Boo Boo, how ya doin?

Boo Boo:  Yogi you gotta get me outta here.

Yogi:  Just hang in there my little buddy, I gotta plan.

Boo Boo Bear
Boo Boo:  Oh Yogi, I should never have let you talk me into stealing those Pic- a- Nic baskets from the Bait Car.

Yogi:  Don’t worry about a thing, I gotta plan.

Boo Boo:  A plan!  Oh Mr. Ranger ain’t gonna like that.

Yogi:  ____  Mr. Ranger!  We’re gonna bust you out on Friday night.  Quit whining and be ready.

Holy cow!  Friday is coming!  I gotta send this to Max right away.  Maybe I should CC: Jack Hanna too.


Until next time, God bless my NSA and God Bless America.

Yogi Bear



Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Bullwinkle and the Polar Vortex

  Agent 54 here again.  We caught some old friends dealing with the Polar Vortex and a couple feet of “Global Warming” that it dumped on them.  Some dastardly deeds did occur.  Check out what’s happening in Frostbite Falls.



Scene:  Frostbite Falls Minnesota.  At dawn residents are waking up to 24 inches of newly fallen snow.  In town residents must park on the street and must shovel their vehicles out before they can drive to work.  Bullwinkle Moose steps out onto his porch, snow shovel in hand.  His new neighbor is already hard at work.

Bullwinkle:  Oh what a glorious new morning to do hours of back-breaking shoveling (not to mention that it’s freezing out here).

Dudley Do Right:  Howdy neighbor.  Dudley Do Right at your service.

Bullwinkle:  Bullwinkle Moose here.  I don’t suppose that “at your service” means you’ll do my shoveling too?

Dudley:  And deprive you of the exercise you obviously need so badly.

Bullwinkle:  Hey, you ain’t exactly John Rambo or Rocky Balboa there neither. 
Bullwinkle
Where exactly did you come from anyway.

Dudley:  I relocated to Frostbite Falls from Canada because it’s way too cold in Canada.

Bullwinkle:  Whatda ya think Frostbite Falls was, Tropical?

Scene:  After 2 hours the neighbors have shoveled their walkways and are starting to clear their vehicles of snow.

Dudley:  Say Bullwinkle, what kind of car is that you have there.

Bullwinkle:  Why it’s an Oldsmoosebile of course.

Scene:  30 minutes later the cars are nearly cleared and the guys are nearly exhausted when a very large snow plow appears at the end of the block.

Dudley:  Oh no, if that snowplow comes down the street now he’ll re-bury our cars with snow from the street.

Bullwinkle:  We must stop him then.

Scene:  The two neighbors shout and wave their arms in an attempt to stop the snow plow from clearing the street and burying the cars but, it’s no use.  As the plow passes our heroes see that none other than Snidley Whiplash is driving the plow truck.  The plow stops just past the two homes.

Snidley Whiplash:  Hello boys, having fun?

Dudley:  Snidley Whiplash you fiend!  You’ve buried our cars after it took hours for us to dig them out.

Bullwinkle:  Yeah!  Now what ya gonna do about it?
Snidley Whiplash and Dudley Do Right

Snidley:  Well now Bullwinkle for a tiny fee I’ll use break out my super-duper snow blower and have you cleared out in a jiffy.

Bullwinkle:  How much is a tiny fee?

Snidley:  A hundred dollars.

Bullwinkle:  A hundred dollars!  That’s highway robbery!

Dudley:  Outrageous!

Snidley:  Well, it’s more like side-street robbery but, who am I to quibble?  Oh, and for you Dudley I will have to figure in the exchange rate for Canadian currency.  Let’s see, 6 and 2 is 8, carry the 7 hmm, duda do, uh that’ll be 2 hundred Canadian dollars please.

Dudley:  Absolutely not.  I won’t pay!

Bullwinkle:  You scoundrel you.

Snidley:  I don’t blame you boys.  I’ll just hop back in the truck and I think there is a shopping center nearby that might need my services, ha ha ha

Scene:  The two tuckered out buddies look at each other and,,,

Bullwinkle:  Wait, we’ll pay.  We gotta get to work, what else can we do?

Dudley:  Well Whiplash, looks like you win this time.

Snidley:  Of course I do, ha ha ha.  Just hand over the cash and I’ll get right to work.  It’s a pleasure doing business with you boys.

What can our heroes do but pay the price.  Looks like this has been another case of Snidley gives Bullwinkle The Business or Dudley’s Frozen Assets.


Agent 54 here.  I’ve got turn this one over to my boss, H. Cuffs.  We’ve got find out if Dudley Do Right is in America legally and if Snidley Whiplash has his green card?