Agent 54 : Is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. He works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. He reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
here again. While I was carelessly
watching football and baseball on my TV, I noticed some Shifting Alliances that
made me curious. When I brought these
concerns up with my wife, she made me feel like I was the only one in the world
who cared or even noticed these things.
Is that true? Am I alone? Do I need psychotherapy? Let me explain before you answer these
questions or before you send the guys in the white jump suits with the big
butterfly nets and strait jackets again.
I have long
thought it was very odd that The General of General Car Insurance ran around
with a Penguin for a pal. Though
Penguins are an up and coming species and may someday challenge Cats for WorldDomination of this puny planet, my thoughts were “What the heck do Penguins
have to do with Car Insurance”? Penguins
don’t drive. In fact, Penguins come from
the South Pole. Most of them have never
even seen a car and they certainly don’t buy Insurance. I’m sure there are damn few of them that
could even hold a job. Why a Penguin?
The mystery deepened
as I began to notice that The General did not treat the Penguin very well. For years The General used the Penguin for a
prop and never let him speak or fed him.
Then I saw The General driving his snazzy red Corvette without his usual
buddy the Penguin in the passenger seat.
Did anyone else notice the sounds of kicking coming from the trunk of the
Corvette? I don’t care if The General
had to clean Penguin poop from the passenger seat, locking him in the trunk was
just plain wrong and I have a good mind to call PETA on his ass.
Shaq & The General
thing you know, Shaquille O’Neal (Shaq) is riding shotgun with the General and
has speaking parts in his advertisements.
It appears that The General had thrown the Penguin under the red
Corvette. I do like Shaq because he
knows from funny but, he’s no Penguin and he should have had more respect than
to break-up the General-Penguin team.
start to cry for the Penguin, let me tell you the good news. In the most important and accurate article
The New York Times has ever published, it was announced that the Penguin had
landed a new gig as Winnie the Pooh’s new buddy and had even been given a cool
new name, “Winter”. There’s no word yet about
the question of is “Winter” going to get a speaking part in his new roll or if eventually
Pooh-bear (he is a bear, you know) will eat the penguin (a stunt penguin, of
course). Never the less, I was happy
that the Penguin landed on his happy feet and I wish him well.
Winnie the Pooh & Winter
usual, my examination of this subject has left me with more questions than
answers like: If the 7’1” tall former
NBA MVP, Shaq is mistreated by The General, will Shaq stuff him into his own
helmet and punt him off the Santa Monica pier into the middle of the Pacific
Ocean? Will Winnie the Pooh’s new buddy,
Winter convince the bear to become a vegetarian? Is the New York Times good for anything other
than Penguin cage liner? And finally,
does anyone other than me give a crap?
humbly here again. I’m honored to have
been nominated for a Liebster award by Chocolat Lover of the Not Meatloaf
Again! Blog. http://notmeatloafagain.blogspot.com/
Chocolat Lover always reads and comments
on my new posts and you know how we bloggers crave that support.
blog for years now is Sandee’s Comedy Plus. https://comedyplus.blogspot.com/ Sandee runs weekly features like Awww
Mondays, Wordless Wednesday, Feline Friday and my favorite, Silly Sunday. I like to time my new posts to first publish
on Sunday morning so I can link to Silly Sunday. I have been introduced to many other blogs
and bloggers there and I enjoy reading those silly jokes and trying to support
the other bloggers with witty comments. I
do sometimes drop in on Feline Friday to check out the cat pictures but I don’t
usually contribute because I don’t have any cats. I like cats, especially served with beans and
guacamole. I’m sorry. Bad old joke. I wouldn’t eat your cat. Maybe a stray cat but, not your cat.
So, now that
you know more than you ever wanted to know about me, it’s time to answer
Chocolat Lover’s 10 questions for me.
This should be fun.
favorite chocolate bar has to be Snickers.
The very name means little laughter and I have craved them since my
have Green Eyes and according to Ancient Alien theory that means I may have
been abducted by Space Aliens. That
would explain a lot.
really do like cats and don’t like dogs.
I will pretend I like your dog if I like you.
don’t drink alcohol and I prefer to leave my mess at Taco Bell which makes them
pretty upset when I get my food from Jack-in- a- Box.
one. My favorite bands include Led Zeppelin,
The Rolling Stones, The Who, The Moody Blues, Nirvana and The Beatles. I have to say Paul McCartney is my favorite
describes me best.
may sound sick but, the smell of old Hockey gear is my favorite. I played Ice Hockey for 19 years and that
smell always meant a lot of fun. I miss playing Hockey.
morning coffee cup is from a set of dishes my wife has. It’s white with apples and grapes painted on
my side and a pear and grapes on your side.
It has the usual V shape but, with a twist to it like when you were making
it, you were turning the top and leaving the bottom set as it cooled.
boy, I collect many things. I have a metal detector so I collect coins,
jewelry, marbles, balls, beads, Legos, fishing lures, magnets and other things
that I put in old Yankee candle jars and call art. I like colorful things.
wearing Gold Toe brand white athletic socks.
Nothing like good socks.
I have to bend
the rules a bit and nominate Joe Hagy of the Cranky Old Man blog http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/ Cranky
is another Silly Sunday blogger and his Stupid Headlines crack me up.
Tim Clark of the
Life Explained blog http://tim-thingsastheyare.blogspot.com/ is one of my
new favorites. I think Tim and his buddy
Jesse Zahrt are running for office,,,or is that running away from office? I
all I got for now for nominations so here are they’re 10 questions.
or Sprinkles? 2.Do
you trust Goats?
you been abducted by Space Aliens too?
the heck do you blog?
you ever ordered a bucket of chicken all beaks and feet? Why not?
fish know they are wet?
was the last book you read?
you use Duct Tape?
10.Do you know from funny?
I want to give a special shout out to Susan
Leighton of the https://womanontheledgeblog.wordpress.com/Woman on the Ledge blog. Susan has been reading and supporting me by commenting on all my older posts. Turns out that we have tread the same ground
in several different parts of the country.
I really do appreciate Susan.
here again.My best friend, Howard tells
this worn out old joke that goes:If
attacked by a group of clowns, go for the Jugular,Yeah, I apologize.
likes clowns but the one good thing you can say about all clowns is that they
are not mimes. There are good clowns and
there are bad clowns. Unfortunately, bad clowns have recently become
topical. However, to lighten the
situation, I’ve decided to rate my all-time favorite clowns, See if you agree with my choices.
1. Ronald McDonald : Probably
the best known clown, worldwide and generation to generation. Everyone knows Ronald and associates him with
eating delicious and nearly poisonous food.
Ron is rich enough to have me killed for saying what I just said. Update 10/12/16: Due to the current "Bad Clown" public relations situation, Ronald McDonald has agreed not to have me killed for this post. Praise be to Odin.
Freddie the Freeloader
2.Bozo: I don’t really understand why but, as a kid
I used to love to watch Bozo the Clown on early morning TV. I don’t remember him being funny, except for
his huge red hairdo but, I couldn’t wait to see him. Later people used his name to describe people
who were screw-ups. I don’t remember
Bozo screwing anything up but, he must have been the king.
in the Box or just Jack: Another restaurateur,
I like Jack’s TV commercials. They’re
almost funny enough to forgive him for the horrible Tacos his restaurants sell.
the Freeloader: Freddie was a character
played by great, old-time comedian Red Skelton who seemed like a one- time high
society type who was just a bit down on his luck. Freddie was charming and everyone liked him
but that same cigar he smoked for 40+ years stunk.
Joker: The joker was my favorite bad and
scary clown until he let me drop on my head during a Team Building exercise at
my NSA under the DORD. Never trust
anyone with a 40 year criminal record.
Lying Brian Williams
Williams: Williams was a newscaster on
a large TV Network who always thought way too much of himself. Brian would twist and fabricate stories and
then feed them to the public as the truth.
Once the public caught on to Brian Williams and realized that he was so
full of bullshit he could fertilize all the farms in all 57 states, his name
became synonymous with lies and deception.
Appropriately, Williams wound up doing comedy at MSNBC where he still
spreads the bull like it’s going out of style.
So, that’s my list. Are some of your favorites on there too. Let me know who’s on your list of favorite
clowns and remember to always leave’em laughing.
here again.I don’t know why we at the
NSA under the DORD have Earl’s Undead Diner, located just outside Pasadena, bugged
but, what the heck, I’m getting paid to listen.Saturday, our old zombie buddies from the movie business met there for lunch.Here’s my report:
Undead Diner looks like a typical East Coast diner that has been abandoned for
a couple of decades. It’s dirty and dark
and there is Spanish Moss covering much of the exterior. Inside you can hear Rob Zombie playing on the
juke box. The smell is better than you
would think. Kind of a mixture of a nice
Italian tomato sauce and rotting flesh.
There are about two dozen patrons including a few Zombies and Werewolves
but, it’s too early in the day for Vampires.
Most of the crowd are regular people dressed up like Zombies or Werewolves
or Vampires or Smelly Pirate Hookers.
Tis the season.
waitress who was quite good looking, when she was alive, arrives at table 4
where zombies Allan, Max and Brad are seated.
Hey boys, the usual?
Naw, you got any of that Brainloaf that Jerry’s wife makes for ya?
Yeah, she just dropped 10 more off on Thursday. Everyone here want the loaf?
that’s right, guys?
Zombies Allan and Max nod in approval.
Brainloafs and 3 Bloody Marys coming up.
As the waitress shuffles away, Max speaks up.
Look at those posers over there.
If they only has a clue about what being a real zombie is all about.
I hate them tourists.
Oh com’on guys. You know, if it
weren’t for them, this place would be closed.
Whatever! So, have you heard
anything about work?
Brad: I’m on
it. My buddy Ziggy is supposed to have
some info for me later this week.
What? That ain’t much to go
on. I ain’t been paid since my second
week on that Zombienado fiasco. That was
the stupidest idea ever!
right! Nobody got paid. I had high hopes for that project. I was thinking we might make 2 or 3 sequels
for that piece of crap.
Brad: Yeah, I
know that Zombienado failure was a real drag.
say. Them Producers were a bunch of
morons. I mean, who makes a bunch a stinkin
sharks the heroes of a movie? Don’t make
no damn sense.
this is Hollywood we’re talking about.
It makes no sense that Vin Diesel has a career but, he’s rich enough to
buy all three of us ten times over.
Right! I gave up on trying to
make sense. Now I just want to make
the hell happened to them damn Producers anyway? We ever gonna get paid? If we don’t get paid, they’d better throw
them bums in jail.
Brad: I heard
they left town. Skipped the country is
what I was told.
Max: You know
I heard that too. I had a fantasy where
they were all fleeing to Mexico in a small motorboat that was attacked by Giant
Squids and they all got ate.
Brad: Giant Producer
eating Squid. Hmmm. You know, Hollywood just might go for
something like that.
really think so? I mean they don’t have
to be Producers. They could be Directors
or Agents or Politicians or other criminals too. You know, I could sit down and write something
up for this idea. You wanna help?
you go again with your big stupid dreams.
You guys been smoking too much uh yur medical marijuana.
Brad and Max together: Brains, brains, moan, groan.
here again.I’ve been around for a while
now and I’ve come to the conclusion that there are just too many emotions
involved in human existence.
are some emotions that people like.
Love, satisfaction, happiness, joy, excited and full come to mind but, these
positive emotions are overwhelmed by negative emotions like, hate,
disappointment, anger, sadness, frustration, irked, perturbed, disgusted,
offended, confusion, embarrassment, envy, jealousy, and not full. Why so many negatives? It’s not fair.
problem with all these emotions is severity.
There are too many highs and lows because people take these emotions to
extremes. Even love. I know you love your little Chihuahua but,
carrying it around in public or in your purse is going too far. Likewise, I understand you hate my cigar
smoke but, banning smoking in every building in the country is a little
extreme, don’t ya think?
Emotions at work suck too. You know what happens. If you show that you are happy, people around
the water cooler start gossiping about who’s butt your kissing and how you got
your last promotion. How do you prove
you’re not a “brown- noser”? If you show
you’re unhappy you get labeled as disgruntled or a trouble-maker. If you show up with a hangover 3 or 4 times a
week, you get labeled as an alcoholic.
Is that fair?
get confused wondering about which emotions or how much emotion people expect
to see from me in certain situations. Example: You tell me your dog died. I don’t like dogs but, I like you. So I fake empathy for your dog while Bob, my
favorite voice in my head, is telling me that you should just go to the animal
shelter and pick out a new, totally dependent, dirty and dumb animal to chew on
your new shoes and crap on your carpet.
Of course I have to suppress Bob because you would freak out if I told
you Muffy or Dogzilla was no more important or hard to replace than your
favorite reclining chair. Oh great! Now the dog lovers are offended. I’m Sorry (am I really sorry or just faking
it?). Great! Now you know what it’s like to be confused
make you do some dumb stuff. Raise your
hand if you grow your hair long now to cover that tattoo that says “I love Gertrude”
or “Leroy & Me” on your neck. I
myself once got so angry at someone that I punched a solid oak door and broke
my hand. Pretty dumb. In fact, that’s so dumb I’m going to deny
that I did that. Oh, BTW, you can put
your hands down now. Yeah, I didn’t
break my hand. That was Stu, one of the
other voices in my head. See, emotions
can make you tell lies.
emotions correctly can be difficult too. Have you ever accidentally used the wrong
emoji? Do you even know what an emoji
is? What about our facial
expressions? All of our faces are
different. What if I drink too much
coffee (is that possible?) and develop a twitch in my eye? You might think I’m winking at you and then
the next thing you know, we’re engaged to be married. Who needs that pressure!
So, I’ve been thinking about a solution to the
problem of Too Many Emotions and I’ve decided that sorting and restricting the
severity of individual emotions is too complicated and just won’t work. My idea is to restrict myself to just two
basic emotions in an effort to control the highs and lows of life. From now on my two emotions are going to be
Full and Not Full.
FYI: Full is what you are after going to Taco Bell
and Not Full is what you are before you go to Taco Bell. I believe that limiting yourself to just
these two basic emotions could lead to a more even and sane life. I think Mr. Spock would agree.
So who is
going to join me in this noble experiment?
Who is brave enough? Please
follow my lead and return to this blog post to record your experiences in the
comments section twice a week for the next 20 years.
Agent 54 here again.
It’s been a while since we had an update from Blitzed Wolfer on the
Burgundy Campaign. Many voters seemed to
have gotten the impression that Ron had dropped out of the race. Nothing could be further from the truth. Check out this interview with Ron from New
Hello everyone this is Blitzed Wolfer with CAN on the campaign trail with
Presidential candidate Ron Burgundy.
We’re standing in front of a medical facility in Albuquerque, New Mexico
with Ron and his Physician, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.
Ron Burgundy) Ron, you have an
announcement for us?
Yes, may I introduce Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.
Hello Blitzed. I’m here to
certify that after rigorous examinations by the medical staff here at the
Albuquerque Indian Health Center, we can pronounce that candidate Burgundy is
healthy as a horse and his hair is a work of art.
That’s great news.
you Dr. Vinnie. You can go back to the
golf course now.
Dr. Vinnie Boombatz
Ron) That’s terrific but, tell me Ron,
what about your evaporating poll numbers?
You are down to 0.0004% in the latest Hecht-Cantilever poll.
Ron: Well, a
lot of things evaporate here in the dessert.
We still have time and though I may not have a lot of support, it’s the
quality of my support that counts.
okay. So, most of American voters seem
to be supporting other candidates. What
do you think of your opponents supporters?
while they’re as wrong as wrong can be to support somebody else, I still find
them to be “adorable”.
That’s nice. So, what’s next for
campaign is going to Reno Nevada to get ready for the first Presidential Debate
in Lake Tahoe on September 26th.
I think we’ll do quite well there.
Ron, the first Presidential Debate is in New York at Hofstra University on the
What? Wait! Wadda ya mean? (calling out to Campaign Manager, The Only
Wendy Shade) Wendy! What’s he talking about?
Wendy walks up to Ron and Blitzed.
(sadly) Uh, I’m sorry Ron but, we still haven’t received a reply to our
appeal from the debate committee. I
didn’t know how to tell you this but, we’re not invited to the big debate.
But, I’m the best looking candidate in the race! How can this stand? Nevermind, I’ll hold my own debate in or at
Lake Tahoe. You’ll be there to cover it,
actually I have tickets to go cover the big debate.
Fine! Then I’ll just have my
Channel 4 News Team cover my debate! In
fact, I’ll debate my Channel 4 News Team.
Yeah, yeah, I’ll debate Brick Tamland, Brian Fantana and Champ Kind and
it’ll be great! Big debate, big
deshcmate! Who needs New York City
interrupting) I think that’s a wrap,
Yeah, Uh, that’s, that’s all the time we have for today. I’m Blitzed Wolfer on the campaign trail for
the Cable Ass Network. Thanks for
Wow! Personally, I can’t wait to watch Ron
Burgundy debate the Channel 4 News Team.
Mark your calendars, America.
Agent 54 here again. It’s that time of year when the leaves on the
trees are turning different colors, the kids are going back to school and the Baseball
season is ending while Football season is just beginning. For some people, the changing of the seasons
can be a stressful time of year. I got
to listen in on a phone conversation between professional athlete Tim Tebow and
hunter Elmer Fudd. Can Elmer help Tebow
adjust to The Changing Seasons? Let’s
Uh, hewoew, Elmer Fudd speaking.
Tim Tebow: Hey
Elmer, this is Tim Tebow. How are you?
Elmer: I know
you! Huhuhuhuh. You’re the Qwattaback
that won the Heisman Twophy in 2007. Oh
boy! Did you call because you want to go
wabbit hunting with me?
that’s me. Uh, no, no wabbitt,,,no rabbit
hunting for me, thanks. Well, the truth is that I’m trying to play professional
baseball for the Mets now but, I’m having trouble transitioning from one sports
season to another.
huh. I’m used to running plays and
throwing passes this time of year, not swinging at fastballs. You always seemed to be able to make the
change from rabbit season to duck season and back and forth in a flash. How do you do it?
Scotch! Pwefwerabwe Dewars
No! That can’t be true. How do you shoot when you’re loaded?
uh, well the Scotch doesn’t weally help me shoot stwaight. The Scotch helps me deal with Bugs. Huhhuhuhuh. That scwewy wabbit will dwive you cwazy without
a couple of dwinks.
Tebow: Wow! I
can imagine. Well, Scotch won’t help me hit a curveball. I guess I’ll have to try to ask somebody
could twy Orson Welles. He was in the
movie A Man foew All Seasons.
yeah I’ll give him a call. Thanks Elmer.
you go I want to ask you a qwestion.
Shoot! Uh, I mean go ahead. Please don’t shoot any wabbits,,,uh rabbits
you pwayed for Fwowida, the Bwoncos and now the Mets. Those teams wear the same colors. What’s with you and Owange and Bwue?
Tebow: I don’t
know, just lucky I guess. Well, thanks
anyway, see ya later.
Tim, feel fwee to call me duwing wabbit season,
We can go bag a few wascally wabbits.
sorry but no thanks. I don’t shoot
living things. Bye now.
as summer fades and the temperatures begin to moderate, only one question
remains: Is it wabbit season or duck