Sunday, January 25, 2015

All the News that's fit to Scribble in Crayon

  Hey there boys and girls.  I've been watching the news lately and it has inspired me to write again.

  Let's see now, what was really important in the news this week.  Oh yeah, Deflategate!  The NFL accused America's Quarterback, Tom Brady, of cheating with his deflated footballs.  I guess that will make the big game coming up next week, more interesting for non-football fans.  Ordinary people may tune in to see if Brady goes spiraling down the Super "Bowl" without his limp Pigskin.  Personally, I want to play Tom Brady in the new Mafia movie "The Ballfather".

  In International news, Obama snubbed his nose at Israeli Leader, Benjamin Netanyahu to do an interview with "Glozell" Green.  You may know that Glozell invented the "Hoodless Hoody" by cutting the Hoods off her children's Hoodies.  I had an idea for Hoodless Hoodies that didn't catch on.  I wanted to take all the "Hoodlums" out of the Hoodies.  I guess I'm ahead of my time.
  While this story was on the air complete with footage of Glozell splashing around in a milk and Fruit-Loop filled bathtub and Obama kissing her butt, the King of Saudi Arabia died and Yemen was lost to Iranian backed rebels. That's not a joke.  That really happened.  It did!  Oh well, I guess I can't expect today's 20 somethings to put down their game controllers and stop killing fictional space aliens long enough to focus on the very real war on terror that Obama is losing.

  Speaking of losing the war, I was thinking about Wylie Coyote.  How is it that he can call up the Acme company and order a kit to build the Space Shuttle and have it sent to him in the middle of the dessert but, he can't call Domino's and have Pizza delivered for dinner?  Wouldn't it save millions on his Acme credit card to just order a couple of large Pepperoni Pizzas so he and the Roadrunner could just sit down and work out their differences over lunch?  Again, I'm ahead of my time.

  Well that's all I have for this week.  Tune in next week and see there's any truth to the rumor that Pappa John has been deflating his Pizzas for the Superbowl.  Agent 54 out.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Monster Deal

Wheeling & Dealing

  Agent 54 here again.  Sometimes I get to listen to some business being done over the phone on my watch.  Check out these two old friends Wheeling and Dealing.

Gomez Adams:  Hello Herman, is that you?

Herman Munster:  Why you old dog, Gomez Adams, how are you buddy?

Gomez:  Never better,  I just masterminded my biggest model train wreck ever.  It’ll take weeks to sift through the debris to look for survivors.

Herman:  Oh boy that sounds like so much fun.  Can I come over and help?

Gomez:  Sure, maybe sometime this weekend but, that’s not the reason I called.  Say do you still have that ole Munster Mobile of yours?

Herman:  Oh yes and she’s in fine shape.  Manny, Moe and Jack take good care of her.

Gomez:  Ah, that’s good news and I’ll tell you why, do you remember Elvira?

Herman:  Do I! DoI!  She’s quite the cutie.  Don’t let Lilly hear me say that.  Huh huh (very large laughter)

Gomez:  Oh yes she is.  If I were not the most happily married man in the world I would be very interested in Elvira.  Did you know that she and Mortisha are the best of friends?

Herman:  Yes, didn’t they go to ghoul school together?

Gomez:  You are right as rain and sharp as tack my friend.  Well, that brings me to my point.  You see Elvira got a great job on a TV show in Japan however, she needs a car and your Munster Mobile would fit the role perfectly, so she knows that we are good friends and she asked me to ask you if you could part ways with the old car.

Herman:  You mean she wants to buy the Munster Mobile?  Out of the question.  That car is like part of our family.  We've had it for more than 50 years.

Gomez:  Of course!  I understand your attachment to the vehicle completely and I told Elvira it would take a very generous offer to even get your attention.

Herman:  A generous offer?  How, how generous?

Gomez:  Well, Elvira heard that you lost your job at the parlor last month,,,

Herman:  (interrupting)  That was not my fault!  That lady opened the wrong door and saw me waking up from my lunch time nap in one of the spare coffins.  It’s not my fault that she had a weak heart.

Gomez:  Of course not however, you are still out of work and you could use some cash to get by couldn’t you?

Herman:  And how.  How much extra cash are we talking about?

Gomez:  Enough that you could buy the family a new Cadillac Escalade and not have to worry about finding a new job for years.

Herman:  How much Gomez, in numbers?

Gomez:  Elvira is prepared to offer you $728,000 for the Munster Mobile.

Gomez:  Herman, Herman are you still there?

Herman:   Da, do, de, di,did you say $728,000?

Gomez:  That’s the figure, cash on the barrelhead.  Do we have a deal?

Herman:  Well, I don’t know.  I have to think about it.  Heck yeah we have a deal!  Huh huh huh (very large laughter) Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy I can’t wait to tell Lilly that I solved our money problems and I’m going to buy her a new Cadillac.

Gomez:  Gee that’s great Herman.  I’ve got to call Elvira and give her the good news.  Say, why don’t you and your family come over for a visit next weekend.  Mortisha and I would love to have you guys and I need to catch up with Grandpa Munster.

Herman:  Sure, that sounds swell.  It’ll be a blast hanging out with Fester and the gang.  Thanks a ton for making this deal Gomez.  You really saved my bacon and thanks to Elvira too.

Gomez:  Well, what are friends for, I’ll send Lerch over with the cash to pick up the car tomorrow morning.  Via Con Dios! until next weekend.

Herman:  Buy a candee ohs to you to.  Thanks again, Good bye!

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Batman the Moron

Agent 54 here again.  You may have heard about the cyber-attacks the NSA has endured recently.  Well, with no new info coming in I decided to tell you my plans for making a block-buster movie.  It’s kinda a Halloweenish thing with people wearing costumes and such.  Read this and tell me what you think of Batman the Moron.

Scene:  A hot summer day in a crowded inner city.  At a city bus stop four people sit on the bench.  Two of them are men in questionable shape wearing poorly fitted costumes with capes and masks.  One is constantly texting on his Bat-cell phone.  A large woman with two bags of groceries and a heavy purse stands at the end of the bench and gives the men on the bench dirty looks as they argue.

Batman: (played by Gilbert Gottfried)  That is definitely the last time I ever let you drive the Batmobile.  What the heck was I thinking?  Letting you, Robin, drive the Batmobile.  Oy Vey!

Robin: (played by Bobcat Goldthwait)  It wasn’t my fault!  That barfwagon ran the stop sign.

Batman:  Yeah, that lunch truck runs that stop sign every single day and you would know that by now if you weren’t always playing video games and texting when I’m driving.

Robin:  Blah, blah, blah

Batman:  Alfred said it’s gonna take two whole weeks to fix the Batmobile so, I hope you like taking mass transit when we pursue the Joker and the Penguin.

Robin:  It’s not so bad.  You’re such a grumpy grouch.  You should look on the bright side.

Batman:  What bright side?

Robin:                                 (10 second pause)  Well, I dunno, the bright side!

Batman:  You’re an idiot.  My partner is an idiot. (mumbling to himself now) I’ve got an idiot for a partner.  How did this happen?  Why me?

The bus pulls up and the Dynamic Duo get in line to board with the other sweaty passengers.  As they step into the bus, Batman reaches into his Bat-coin purse (made from very nice green paisley pattered nylon-cotton blend fabric) located on his Bat-utility belt and pulls out 4 bus tokens.

Scene:  The Batmancave looks a lot like a two bedroom apartment occupied couple of college kids.  Several pizza delivery boxes are scattered around along with many empty containers of Red Bull and Dr. Pepper.  Half eaten Slim Jims and bags of chips and pretzels can easily be found almost anywhere.   In one corner of the living room Batman is working on his Bat-desktop computer.  In the middle of the room Robin is sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch with his legs under the coffee table, playing his Bat-Xbox.

Batman:  I don’t suppose I could ask you to clean The Batmancave up a little while I figure out how we’re going to pay for the repairs on the Batmobile?

Robin:  (without moving a muscle)  Yeah, sure, in a minute.

The Bat-phone rings.  Robin doesn’t even flinch.

Batman:  I’ll get it!  It might be Commissioner Gordon.

Batman rushes to the kitchen where the Bat-phone is located.  He steps on a Bat-pizza box and slides and nearly falls but, does manage to answer the phone.

Hello, Bruce Whine here.   Oh, high.  Yes I did.  I did!.  It’s in the mail. It is!  Click.

Robin:  (without moving a muscle)  Was that the Bat-Ex-wife again?

Batman:  None of your business!

Batman returns to the Bat-desktop computer.

Batman:  I’m gonna have to take that job Mr. Smith offered me at the Home Depot so we can pay these bills.   Did you hear about that job at Food City yet?

Robin:  (focused like a 20th degree ninja on his Bat-Xbox game)  Nope.

Batman picks up an envelope from the Bat-computer desk and tosses it at Robin hitting him in the head.  Robin never moves and the envelope bounces off his head onto the stained and worn out couch.

Batman:  (singing kinda) Mail call for Dick Greasegun.

Robin:   Mail, for me?

With the quickness of a mongoose, Robin drops the Bat-Xbox control and jumps up onto the couch.  Exhibiting the dexterity of a spider monkey, Robin opens the envelope. 

Robin:  (very excited)  Holy Guacamole!  It’s a check!  It’s a settlement check for $25,000 from when I hurt my neck in that fight last year with the Joker and his men.  $25,000  we’re rich!

Batman:  Lemme see that.  It is a check.  Now we can get the car fixed, we can get costumes that fit.  We can pay the back child support we owe.

Robin:   Hey, what’s this we stuff.  It’s my check.

Batman:  Oh no you don’t.  We’re partners 55-50.

Robin:  Oh yeah, well if we’re partners, then I want the Bat, the Robinmobile tricked out a little bit more.

Batman:  Whadda ya mean?

Robin:  I want that thing to bounce like them low-riders we seen downtown and I want a little dog in the back with a head that goes up and down like this and ….

  Agent 54 here again.  That’s all I want to show you right now until after I get an offer for the rights to the screenplay.  This could be the one.  The big break I need to take my rightful place alongside the greats like Spielberg, Lucas, DeMille and Mel Brooks.  What do you think?

Sunday, February 2, 2014


Agent 54 here again.  

Alias Inkhorn once said “A thoughtless person is like a leafless tree.”

  Someone called me thoughtless so I thought about it.

  What is a thoughtless person?  All people have thoughts,,,don't they?  I hope they do.  I mean, even dogs have thoughts,,,don't they?   And what about a dog that craps on your lawn?  Is that a thoughtless dog or did he plan it?  Maybe the Cat told the dog to crap on your lawn.  A thoughtless Cat?  Please!   Cats are always thinking because they are always plotting and scheming and that is why they dominate this planet.

So, those were some of my thoughts.  If you didn't like my thoughts you may have called me a thoughtless person for wasting minutes of your life with worthless dribble however, you would be wrong because I obviously put a lot of thought into wasting your time.  How thoughtless of me.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

NSA Petting Zoo

  Agent 54 here again.  Well, I was in my cubicle at the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) when a group of VIPs were being given a tour of the building.  Because my cubicle is the first one they see, being right at the end of the hallway, the tour groups always pause right there and the person leading the groups always gives a brief description of us Listener/Readers.  This always makes me feel like an animal on display at the zoo.

  The other day it was even worse as some of the ladies in the group must have thought of it as a “petting zoo”.    I was just sitting there when one of them started rubbing my bald head.  She was petting me like a donkey or something.  Well, I don’t like to cause a big stink at work so, I just went with it and when the other lady started hand feeding me Doritos well, I figured “this isn’t so bad, let’s just go with it”.

Harbor Seal
  It was the third lady that took it to extremes.  When I think about it now I have to wonder why she was walking in a tour of a high security building, dressed in a business suit, with an open can of sardines?  However at the time she started dangling the sardines in front of me, well, I couldn’t help myself.  You know how much I love sardines, so who can blame me for clapping my flippers and barking like Harbor Seal?  Those sardines were delicious!

  Next thing I know, Commander Gasket is staring at me with that look of extreme disapproval on his face.  I felt like a fool but, the sardine lady still had half a can of sardines and the other lady still had some Doritos.  I was trapped between a rock and a hard place. 

  By the time everyone left my area I had so much orange spice powder from the Doritos on my face I looked like one The Joker’s henchmen.  I also had the breath of a gluttonous  Sea Lion.

  I don’t know why this happened but, I feel like I was set up.  I don’t know what
Commander Gasket
Gasket is going to put in his report.  This whole episode gives me pause to ask a lot of questions like:  Is someone at the NSA trying to get rid of me?  Why would anyone do that?  Does someone think I’m underfed?  Why would anyone think that?  Who walks around with an open can of sardines all day long?

  If you know the answers to any of these questions please type them in the comments boxes.  Without your help I may never figure what really happened that day at the NSA Petting Zoo.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Monica Mess Game Show

Agent 54 here again.  I found this file in the trash at the NSA.  Somebody didn’t want this out there.  When I read it, I just cracked up. 
It’s time for America’s favorite new Internet game show!

              Trivia Pursuit Live

(Monicagate Edition)


     I’m your host, Stink Fartinmale.  Let me explain the game.  The object is is to acquire pieces of Pie and stuff  yourself  like an Toronto Mayor Rob Ford by answering questions about the time period when the World first got to know Monica Lewinsky in intimate detail.


Is is everybody ready to play?  (Applause, Cheers & Hoots)

Great! Here’s today’s first Question, just shout out the answer;

Q1:  What do Bill Clinton, Elliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner all have in common?  Good Luck.


It’s Stink Fartinmale again.  We have a correct answer from Hillary Clinton  who said they all need to be neutered. 

Congratulations, you have won a Piece of Pie that has been a Washington favorite and is is catching on all over the USA.  That’s right, it’s Chocolate Cherry Surprise Pie. 


Congratulations and good luck on Question 2.

Q2: Who is is Vernon Jordan?

 (Ohs & Awes)

It’s Stink here again, looks like time has expired on Question 2.

(Ohs & Awes)

Vernon Jordan
The correct answer to Q2:  Who is is Vernon Jordan?, Is is,,,, he was Monica Lewinsky’s Personal Employment Agent.  I think he had some other official government position but his main job was to keep Monica quiet and reward her for her “services” by getting her a cushy job with Revlon.


Ready for Question 3?

Q3:  On what part of her body did Monica Lewinsky wear a “beret”?

That’s right! Gennifer Flowers, You gave me head and that’s always a correct answer.  Your prize is is a special piece of pie that will remind you of your youth.  Yes, here straight from your grade school cafeteria it’s a slice of “Mystery Meat Pie”.   Yeah, you may not know what it is is but you’ll love it anyway.


Stink:  Let’s get ready for Question 4 where we have 3 live contestants from Washington D.C. on our stage!

Stink:  Q4: Monica’s blue dress was what color?   

Stink:  Yes Mrs. Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi:  It was a rainbow and it had free Unicorns on it and it was very beautiful.

Stink:  Uh no, not at all.  Anybody else?  Yes President Obama.

Barack Obama:  The dress in question was definitely colored Red, I promise you, period.

Stink:  No, that’s not true.  Yes, Presidential spokesman Jay Carney.

Jay Carney:  The President clearly stated that the dress was Green.

Stink:  No, the President actually said it was Red.

Barack Obama:  What Jay Carney said is the truth!

Stink:  How can that be?

Jay Carney:  When the President said “Red” he clearly meant in the Green spectrum of the color pallet of dresses made in the USA at that time.

Stink:  Well it doesn’t really matter anyway because the correct answer is BLEW!  All of you were very wrong.

Barack Obama:  I clearly stated that the dress was BLEW.

Jay Carney:  The President couldn’t have been more transparent on this issue.

Stink:   Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have tonight for;  

    Trivia Pursuit Live

       (Monicagate Edition)


This is is Stink Fartinmale saying, join us next time and just because the current White House is a real mess, that’s no excuse to forget a thing about the stinking mess that was the White House in the 1990s.  Good bye everyone!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year’s Party at the NSA

  Agent 54 here again.  The New Year is approaching fast and that means New Year’s Parties.  Of course I am one of the “designated drivers” for our party at the NSA because I don’t drink.   I’m okay with doing that because I want my friends to get home safely and I usually get some good stories out of the dumb stuff that happens when people drink too much.  I’ve prepared by loading my truck with barf-bags, breath mints, a first aid kit, fire extinguisher and extra towels and blankets.  Just sayin, better safe than sorry.

  I’ll give you updates here as the party goes on and I’ll have to finish this report tomorrow because I can’t write and drive at this time.  It should be an interesting night because we have so many unusual personalities working at the Nominal Secrets Apparatus and they can each bring a guest.  Let the good times roll!

  10:34 pm New Year’s Eve:  My wife Carol and I got here about an hour ago and helped set things up.  We’re in the huge cafeteria and it’s all decorated and there’s enough booze here get the whole town drunk.  I’ve introduced my wife to my friends and met their wives and/or girlfriends as they have come in.  Right now, I kicking back at a table by myself with a Dr. Pepper and a funny hat and I feel like Forrest Gump in NYC at New Years.  My wife is gabbing away in a lady circle with new friends she’s already made like Mrs. Gasket, Lovely Rita-Meter Maid, Agent 99, Flo and Madge as the room quickly fills.

  11:02 pm New Year’s Eve:  My buddy Billy Idol just walked into the room with Lady Gaga and everybody shouted out for him.  He’s enjoying the limelight like the Rock Star he was and he looks half-drunk already.  He and lady Gaga took the stage with the local band that was hired for the night named Talk To Sheep featuring Nate Morrow on guitar.

  11.04 pm  New Year’s Eve:  Billy is whaling “with a rebel yell” and the place is rockin.  Now it’s a party.  Lady Gaga is whaling with Billy and it works.

  11:16 pm New Year’s Eve:  My table has filled up as my buddy John Rumble has joined me.  As usual, he has no shirt on and is wearing a black bow-tie.  He has already attracted Flo and Madge over to the table.  Billy, with Lady Gaga all over him, threw his leather vest over the chair next to me and then the two of them disappeared.  I think there’s a smoky little party going on just outside the back door of this building.  I don’t care as long as they don’t drive.

  11:28 pm New Year’s Eve:  I’ve been trying to sell Rumble on my Batman The Moron  movie idea but, I’m sensing he’s not all that interested.  Flo and Madge are ogling John and I sense that he would rather be somewhere else.  Madge says she’s retired from Palmolive and working at the NSA part-time.  Her nails still look good.  Flo said she’s here with the Geico Gecko but I haven’t seen the little green bugger all night.  In fact, I never seen him at work either.  Maybe he’s on the night-shift?

  11:29 pm New Year’s Eve:  My boss, H. Cuffs is making the rounds and he stopped by my table.  H. Cuffs is still pleased that I caught Yogi Bear before he could bust Boo Boo out of the slammer but, the thing is, the judge let Boo Boo out a week later under Ranger Smith’s recognizance.  Oh well, at least I scored a brownie point with H. Cuffs.

  11:32 pm New Year’s Eve:  Uh oh, here comes Gasket.  I like Commander Gasket enough but, I don’t want him to find out what’s going on out back.  He would probably start trouble and get his butt whupped and that would not be cool and I would have to go try to save him and I’d probably end up getting my butt whupped and I just don’t need all that tonight.  Shhhhh! Here he comes.

Commander Gasket:  Good Evening everyone.  Fine party, wouldn’t you say?

Rambo:  Great!  I gotta take a leak.  (Rumble gets up and leaves).

Commander Gasket:  Yes well, Agent 54, I trust there is no Rum in that Dr. Pepper you have there.  I know that you and I are both Designated Drivers tonight.

Agent 54:  Nothing but Dr. Pepper here.  I take my job seriously.  Say Inspector, have you met my wife, Carol?   (I get up and try to lead the inspector away to where my wife is still yaking but, he stops me).

Commander Gasket:  Wait a minute! That smell. You know what that is?

Agent 54:  (nervously) Uh, I think I stepped on a cow pie on the way in and,,,

Commander Gasket:  (interrupting) No, that’s the smell of Marijuana.  I’d know that smell anywhere from my many training seminars with the DEA, FBI,TSA, NCIS and others.  Well, it is a party.  Now, where’s that lovely wife of yours?

I was in shock.  He was cool about what was going on out back too.  I guess he figured as long as they don’t drive and keep it outside, hey It’s New Years.  I quickly regained my senses and dragged him over to meet Carol.

  11:45 pm  Some red-eyed wastiod tugged at my sleeve and said “Dude, dude you a friend of Billy’s?” 

Agent 54:  Yeah, is he okay?

Wastiod:  Uh, what do you mean by Okay?

Agent 54:  Where is he?

  11:48 pm  The wastiod led me to find Billy Idol out back, face down in the vomit filled grass with his butt up in the air and Lady Gaga leaning on it.  She’s singing something I’ve never heard before in between taking large gulps from a large liquor bottle. 

Agent 54:  Okay give me a hand,,,

I look around and nobody but, Billy and Gaga are there.  Was the wastiod a ghost or something?  Who knows?

  11:59 pm  I barely got those two into my 1998 Mercury Mountaineer, slammed the door and ran back to the party.  I have to find and tell Carol where I’m going or she will panic and call the police or worse, tell Gadget that I’m missing.  All the way back I’m wondering how much damage Billy and Gaga could be doing to my truck.

  12:01 am  A minute late.

Carol:  Where the hell were you?

At this point I know I have to tell her the entire story and somehow make her stay at the party while I drive the drunkies home.   As story time goes on and on I’m thinking that more and more damage is occurring in the truck and I start to panic.  What if one of those knuckleheads hot-wires my truck?

Nate Morrow with Talk To Sheep
12:04 am  I head for the exit.

 Agent 54:   I got to go!  I’ll fill you in on the rest of the details later!

Carol:  Yeah whatever!

As I pass through the doorway I’m thinking “why did I volunteer for this?”  I get to the truck, open the driver’s door and see alcohol and vomit soaked clothing all over the front seats.  I glimpse back to see the nearly naked drunkies doing what nearly naked drunkies do.

Agent 54:  Put your seat belts on you two!

Of course they ignore me and I start the truck and pull out slowly.  Looking back at the door of the cafeteria where the party is, I see my wife in the doorway with her hands on her hips.  Great!  This is gonna be a fine start to a fine New Year.

  As I drive, I begin to relax.  No problems.  I’m driving and I’m sober.  The drunkies haven’t seemed to even notice that we’re on the road to Gaga’s hotel (there’s only one hotel in town so it’s got to be hers)  What could go wrong?  ROADBLOCK!  A sobriety check-point ahead.

Agent 54:  Drunkies! Get your clothes on.  We got a shitload of cops up ahead!  Get dressed right now dammit!

I guess it was the word “cops” that sobered them up enough to attempt to redress themselves.  I was grabbing wet (I didn’t know which was soaked in booze or vomit, yuk!) clothing and tossing it into the back seat.  As I take a final look in the mirror before speaking to the officer I see something amazing.  The drunkies are both reasonably dressed with seat belts on but, they had switched some articles of clothing and they both had their hair and make-up messed up so bad that I couldn’t tell which one was which.  No matter, time to talk to the cop.

  12:24 am  I did it!  I handled the cop like a pro.  I mean, I just told him the truth but, I was still worried.  I mean I smelled like a liquor store because the drunkies clothing was soaked with it.  Oh, no.  A wet sock hits me in the head and lands on the dashboard.  I look in the mirror. 

Agent 54:  Can’t you two wait until we get to the Hotel?  It’s just another 10 minutes for Yoda’s sake!

  12:35 am  We arrive at the hotel and I tell the drunkies to get dressed again.

  12:45 am  I got the twenty something aged valet to help me and we get the half-dressed drunkies out of my truck.  I spot a puddle of vomit on the back seat floor that I was previously unaware of.

Valet:  Hey dude, is this Billy Idol?

Agent 54:  Naw kid, It’s a look-a-like we hired for the New Year’s party.  (what are friends for?).

Valet:  Wow, he looks just like him only older and drunker.

  12:55 am  We finally win our struggle to get the drunkies into the room and flop them on each on their own double bed.  Billy is unconscious.

Lady Gaga:  (slurring both words)  Thanks Bob. (She immediately passes out.)

Valet:  Who’s Bob?

Agent 54:  You are!  C’mon Bob, let’s get the hell out of here.

   1:05 am  The valet got me a bucket and a sponge and some Mr. Clean and I’m scrubbing vomit out of my truck in the hotel parking lot.  What a glorious way to start the New Year.  Happy 2014!  It’s all soup and nuts from here.

   1:15 am  I’m on the road back to the party and I’m reviewing the night’s events in my head.  I may have saved my friend’s and possibly some other driver’s lives by doing my disgusting duties.  That makes me feel good and I figure I’ll probably do it again next year.  Yeah, I guess, all’s well that ends well.  Now, just how much of this story do I try to explain to Carol? 

Sunday, December 29, 2013


 Agent 54 here again.  Some people might say that I have been blessed with a lot of balls.  Those people would be right.

  In fact, I collect balls. What kind of balls you ask?  Many different and diverse kinds of balls.  From small red rubber balls to bowling balls, I find, clean and care for my balls.

  I have a pretzel jar where I keep my small, colorful bouncy balls.  These are my favorites.  I find them when I’m out treasure hunting with my metal detector.  No silly, the metal detector does not detect balls unless they are brass or steel, iron, copper, silver or gold.  No, I find these small bouncy balls by being observant and watching where I’m going.  I have become a bouncy ball snob as it were.  If the balls are discolored or cracked or have, heaven forbid, pieces missing, I throw them into the trash.  Balls that pass my initial inspection get washed in anti-bacterial soap and then further cleaned and shined with Avon’s Skin So Soft.  This makes my balls smell nice and they feel soft and smooth to the touch and of course, Skin So Soft is great for my hands too.

  I often find Baseballs and Tennis balls but I don’t keep them long.  I sell some of my balls at the Play-it-Again Sports shop.   I take a large bag of balls into the store and the shopkeeper inspects them.  He gives me $.50 for the baseballs and $.10 for the tennis or as I call them, the dog balls.  (I call the tennis balls, dog balls because that is what they sell them for.  Dogs love my balls.) 

  Some would say that my obsession with collecting balls is NUTZ!  They might say that I’m losing my marbles but, they would be way off base.  I actually find the marbles that everyone else is losing.  I clean and shine them the same way I do with my balls and keep them in a small glass jar that once held a Yankee Candle.  If they want to challenge my sanity, ha!, let them.  I’ll just look at my jar of their marbles on my coffee table and I’ll know who the sane one is.

Bobbers!  Bobbers are not balls.

Footballs!  I love footballs and I love watching football.  I used to love to play football and I have the scars to prove it.  I find Footballs in the park behind my apartment.  Usually I find them in the lake.  People love to play football in the park but, every now and then they throw the ball into the lake and then eventually it floats down to my end of the lake and it becomes part of my collection.  Again, the Skin So Soft treatment makes them feel nice as I hold onto one of my footballs while watching a game.

  I have many other kinds of balls, many Golf balls, Soccer balls, Basketballs etc… in my collection.  I don’t think my fascination with balls is any more nutz than anyone else’s fascination with Ghosts, Space Aliens, Bigfoots, Fruit Flies or Politics.  I hope you don’t think I’m a Nuttball.  Thank you for allowing me to show and share my balls with you.

Remember, I’m wishing you a Happy New Year as we all watch the sparkling ball of lights drop in Times Square.