Sunday, June 26, 2016

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. IV

  Agent 54 here again.  Time for another episode of The Warrior’s Studio.  These interviews of intergalactic warriors are just getting better and better.  Let’s see who’s in the studio today.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Welcome everyone to the fourth installment of The Warrior’s Studio.  I’m your host, Blitzed Wolfer and it’s my distinct pleasure to welcome the intergalactic swashbuckler, Spacebeard to the studio today.

Audience:  Polite applause for Spacebeard.

Spacebeard:  Ahoy maties!  Yo ho ho, it be great to be here with ye land lubbers.

Blitzed:  So, I noticed you’re standing on your chair.  Is that due to your wooden leg?

Spacebeard:  Aye!  Quite perceptive of ye there matey.  Yea, since I lost me leg I  find sitting to be quite uncomfortable for me.

Blitzed:  Oh, did you lose your leg in a fierce battle with Empirical forces?

Spacebeard:  Arrrrgh!  No, no it weren’t quite like that.

Blitzed:  Well, please tell us how it happened.  I’m sure my audience would be fascinated to hear this story.

Spacebeard:  Arrrrgh!  Very well then.  One space day when I be just hangin out on me Millennium Buzzard, arrrrgh, that’s me ship, with some Smelly Pirate Space Hookers I,,,

Blitzed:  (interrupting) Wait!  You hang out with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers?

Spacebeard:  Aye!  Why else would a man become a Space Pirate?

Blitzed:  Well, we thought it would be to do battle and help defeat the Evil Empire.

Spacebeard:  Arrrrgh!  Uh, No!  That would be dumb.  No, hanging out with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers and enjoying tons of fine booty taken from the Empire are the only reasons to become a Space Pirate.  Aye!  That and to be yer own boss.

Blitzed:  Very interesting.  Please tell us more about how you take the booty from Darth Vader.

Spacebeard:  Aye!  Well, me ship, the Millennium Buzzard is equipped with the latest electronic cloaking devices.  That allows us to be hiddin near the shipping lanes between the largest vessels the Empire’s got and their space bases.  Ye may know that the Empire uses EMPEX (Empirical Express) to send supplies from their bases to their largest star cruisers.  Aye!  Me maties and I, we wait until the coast is clear, then we be apouncin, or I mean we beam aboard the courier ships and yo ho ho, the booty is all ours.

Blitzed:  Oh my!  That sounds terribly dangerous.  Don’t the couriers have security aboard?  Do they put up a good fight?

Spacebeard:  Arrrrgh!  Hell no!  That would be dumb.  No, no we’ve taken care of them by cutting them in for a share of the loot from the booty we be sellin on the black space market. 

Blitzed:  How do you get away with that?  Doesn’t Darth Vader use the dark side of the force to catch you?

Spacebeard:  Yo ho ho, hell no!  We be far too small a fly in the Empire’s ointment for them to catch us.  Oh yeah, sometimes the lads on courier ships have to fake injuries or even their own deaths but, I makes it worth it for them.  Darth don’t give a space rats ass about them.

Blitzed:  I see.  So, what kind of booty do you get from the EMPEX ships?

Spacebeard:  Well, we be collectin lots of spare parts and electronics and weapons for sellin on the black space market but, the booty me and me mates prizes the most be the Pepperoni Pizzas.

Blitzed:  Fascinating!  I had a previous guest who told us the Empire loves Pepperoni Pizzas.

Spacebeard:  Aye!  It be true!  And Space Pirates love Pepperoni Pizzas too.  My mates and me, we’ve taken millions of frozen space Pepperoni pies from the Empire over the years.  Aye!  I even took the liberty to be fillin the mini fridge in yer green room with stolen Pepperoni Pizzas, courtesy of Darth Vader.

Blitzed:  Oh, thank you.  That was very kind of you.  Maybe I’ll take advantage of that after this interview.

Spacebeard:  Aye! I’m a thinkin the two Smelly Pirate Space Hookers I brought with me tonight might be enjoyin that too.

Blitzed:  Wha, wha, wait!  You brought a couple of Smelly Pirate Space Hookers with you?  Really?  Can I meet them?

Spacebeard:  Aye!  They be awaitin us in that there green room ye got with the Pizzas and a few space brews.  Tonight ye be like one of me crew.  Ye be partying like a real proper Space Pirate as soon as we wrap this up.

Blitzed:  Oh boy!  Well I guess that’s all the time we have.  See ya later on the next episode of The Warriors Studio.

 Wow!  Didn’t I tell you these interviews were getting better and better.  I’m sure this one was Blitz’s favorite.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

BSers Union Meeting


  Agent 54 here again.  I was required to attend a very important BSers (Brotherhood of Secret Electronically Recorded Surveillances) Union, Local Chapter 1099, meeting for my job at the NSA under the DORD.  Oye Vay! 

Here’s my report.

Scene:  Large union hall with hundreds of audience seats and small stage with a podium and 6 chairs flanking it on each side.  There are many flags behind the podium and chairs and a portrait of the union President is hanging above center stage.  As the union members are milling about and filling the seats, Inspector Gadget takes the podium.

Inspector Gadget:  Alright everybody, settle down.  I want to get this meeting started on time.

  Flo walks up to the podium from the side of the stage.  She is wearing her official BSers Union jacket with the official seal on it.

Flo:  (As she’s walking)  Com’on  Inspector Gadget, you know I’m the head of our local.  This is my meeting.  Git!  Shoo!

  Flo chases Gadget off the stage.

Flo
Flo:  Alright everybody, we get enough BS doing our jobs so I want to cut the crap and get right to the results of the election of this year’s negotiating team for the BSers Local 1099.  Okay, let’s settle down and get to it.

  Audience of union members politely applauds and settles down.  Agent 54 is seated next to John Rambo in the middle of the audience.

Agent 54 (to John Rambo):  I sure hope I was elected to the team.

Rambo (to Agent 54):  Me too.  I hope they didn’t elect a bunch of butt-kissers like last year.

Flo:  Okay, I’m going to read the list of winners.  As I call your name, come join me on the stage and take a seat.  Here we go.

  As Flo reads the names there are various cheers and even some jeers and the room gets noisy.  As Flo goes on the jeering gets louder.  When Flo is done Agent 54 and Rambo have looks of stunned disappointment on their faces.

Agent 54:  What the hell!

Rambo:  What the hell!  Who the heck voted for them bozos?

Agent 54:  I demand a recount!  Can I demand a recount?  What the hell?

Rambo:  Yeah, I dunno.  What the hell can we do?

Agent 54:  How are those knuckleheads going to negotiate?  I mean, the language
John Rambo
barrier alone is a reason to vote for someone else, like me!

Rambo:  Yeah, I mean El Guapo is going to be a real problem on that team.

Agent 54:  Well actually, I was thinking of the Minions.  I mean, what the hell language do they speak anyway?

Rambo:  Yeah, there’s that and you know I love Billy Idol but, com’on.

Agent 54:  Right!  Who’s going to keep Billy sober for the negotiations?

  Inspector Gadget startles us by suddenly appearing next to us.

Inspector Gadget:  Take it easy boys.  This election was rigged from the start.  Why else do you think I’m not up there.

Rambo:  I could think of a few reasons.

Agent 54:  Wait!  What the hell?  You mean you knew who was going to win before we voted?  (Stuttering with anger)  An, an, and why would someone rig it to have the phreaking Geico Gecko on the team?  Tha, tha, that don’t make no sense!

Inspector Gadget:  Believe me boys, there’s no one on that team that wasn’t hand-picked by the union President.

  The Joker startles us again by suddenly appearing.

The Joker:  Well, I knew there was something fishy when I saw Charlie Tuna up on the stage.

 
The Joker
At the sight of the Joker, Agent 54 grabs his head because a painful memory of a previous team building “accident” just came rushing back to him.

Inspector Gadget:  Boys, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll forget this election and just support the negotiating team,  Goodnight.

  Inspector Gadget gets up and walks away and The Joker is gone too.  A stunned Agent 54 turns to Rambo.

Agent 54:  What the hell just happened?

Rambo:  I think we was just sent a message.

Agent 54:  What the hell are we going to do.

Rambo:  What’s this “we” crap?  I’m going to keep my mouth shut and go with the flow.

  Flo startles us again by appearing out of nowhere.

Flo:  That’s good advice.  You best take it, Agent 54.  Com’on, let me buy you a Dr. Pepper.

Agent 54:  Yeah uh, I guess,  Uh, alright, uh, go team go.

So, Agent 54 lost another one.  Oh well, there’s always next year.  Just got to figure out who’s butt to kiss.  “Go team go!”



Sunday, June 12, 2016

Old Church of Guadalupe Arizona.

Iglesia de Tres Santos



  I got up early to take pictures at sunrise of this old church in Guadalupe Arizona.  I was told it is the Church of The Three Saints or Iglesia de Tres Santos.





The inside of The Church of Three Saints was simple and beautiful.  I love all the wood and the Ocotillo Cactus used for the ceiling.


















This Shrine was very interesting too.














 I enjoyed the changing of the colors the play of the shadows as the sun rose.








Sun rising across the parking lot and the ball-field from the church.  The small light on the left side in the darkness is a fire pit.  Three amigos apparently stayed out all night drinking and telling tall tales around the campfire. 

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Goats

   I jumped out of  bed at 3am this morning in a minor frenzy because I felt compelled to tell the world my thoughts on Goats.


  I know what you and your friends from your local snark tank are thinking.  You’re thinking “goats?, who cares about goats?”.  Exactly!  Goats have a sneaky, nefarious and undue influence on mankind and most of  us aren’t even aware of  it.  It’s time to examine the mysteries and motives of  these barnyard “animals”.


The next time you are in a petting zoo, take a close look at a Goat.  You’ll see that their eyes are too far apart and they look like a shark’s eyes and they have horns.  Would you trust a person that looked like this?  Indeed Goats look like they were made by Lucifer and are certainly not one of God’s creations.  Why do they have horns anyway and what about Goat’s milk and Goat Cheese?  Don’t Cows already produce enough high quality dairy products?  Why is Goat Cheese more expensive and where does that extra revenue go?  Do these facts add up to some kind of sinister plot?  Let us continue the examination.

    In sports you can often become a “Goat” or a “Hero” in the course of one play in one game.   Bill Buckner of  the Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs is the perfect example of  this.  As you may know, Buckner was an All-star player at times in his long career but forever became a Goat to Red Sox Nation when he misplayed one crucial ground ball in the 1986 World Series.  Of course everyone knows the tale of  The Curse of Billy the Goat. It seems that the owner of  the Billy Goat Tavern in Chicago was kicked out of a Cubs game because the pet goat he brought was stinking up the joint.  Goat owner Billy Sianis cursed the Cubs and they have been a joke of Major League Baseball ever since.  Is it a coincidence that Bill Buckner once played for the Cubs?  I don’t think so.

    What about the Rolling Stones?  The Stones have always been accused of being under the influence of Satan.  Their Goat’s Head Soup album was inspired by that delicacy they experienced while recording in Jamaica.  Why?  Jamaica is an Island.  Why didn’t they eat fish or shrimp instead of Goat?  Why would anyone eat Goat?  Why indeed, the mystery deepens.


  What about Goat behavior?  Some people keep them because they are natural lawn mowers but, truth is they will eat almost anything.  Why do Goats scream like escaped lunatics for Insurance company TV commercials?  What are they telling us there?  Have you seen the You Tube videos showing “Goat Tipping”?  No, it’s not giving a tip to a bad waiter.  That’s “Donkey tipping”.  It’s actually easy for humans to startle Goats and cause them to faint and fall over on their side.  Goat Tipping is fun for the whole family and it’s much safer than cow tipping but, it makes me wonder what is the motivation behind this strange behavior?

  Most of us humans have been subconsciously influence by Goats and we don’t even realize it.  I myself have been sporting a Goatee beard and rooting for the Minnesota Vikings, because they have horns, since I was 8 years old.  I have even glued a pair of  horns to an Arizona Cardinals hat and taken my one and only selfie while wearing my horns.  What else but, overdue Goat influence could possibly explain this strangeness?  Is it some kind of bovine-human Conspiracy?

  Why did Jim Breuer play “Goat Boy” on TVs Saturday Night Live program?  That could be dismissed as just bad programming by a lousy network and a mediocre comedian,,,or was it,,,Goat influence?  You be the judge.

  In conclusion, I want you to think twice about what you’re doing before you buy a pigmy Goat for the kids or sit around a campfire at night making s’mores and telling Goat stories.  Ask yourself  why you chose to have a pet Goat?  What, aren’t Cats and Penguins cute enough?  What compelled you to make that decision?  Is there something sinister going on between Goats and the Human Race?  I say, stay vigilant my friends and never ever ever trust a Goat.



Saturday, February 27, 2016

Bernie and the Jets

DNC Chair DWS

 Agent 54 here again.  Today I heard another of  Blitzed Wolfer’s great interviews.   It was with Bernie Sanders and his band “The Jets”.   They were warming up for an evening show in a small auditorium on a small college campus.  Here’s my report.

Scene:  Small stage in a small auditorium on a small college campus.  A band is tuning and setting up their equipment.  The keyboard player is none other than Bernie Sanders who is actually still in a Presidential Primary race.  Blitzed Wolfer and his film crew approach Candidate Sanders with the microphone and a camera.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Hi ya, Bernie.

Bernie Sanders:  Well, if it isn’t my old friend Mr. Wolfer.  How ya been you old dog?

Blitzed:  Fine, so tell me, how’s the band sounding?

Bernie:  Well, they try hard but, they ain’t The Beatles and I’m no John  Lennon, I’ll tell ya that.

Not John Lennon
Blitzed:  Isn’t that Billy-Bob Jones who used to play with the Allman Brothers in the 70s, playing bass for you?

Bernie:  Nah, that’s Bobby Smith who played with the Almond Brothers or some other nuttballs a long time ago.  I dunno, who can remember?

Blitzed:  So, are you here just to get away from the stress of the campaign trail for a while?

Bernie:  Yeah, and ya know, I gotta pay the bills too.

Blitzed:  Yes, I was going to ask you about that.  I heard the ticket price for this little event was $250.00.  Isn’t that a little steep for a band that is “not The Beatles”?

Bernie:  Steep- Schmeep!  What, don’t I have a right to earn a decent living?

Blitzed:  Well, of course you do but, you know you are the one always preaching about how everything should be free for everybody.  Isn’t there some hypocrisy in charging such a high price to these kids here who will be struggling to pay their student loans?

Bernie:  Hippo – Schmippo!  These kids coming here tonight represent the 1% that can come out to our show.  Let’s just consider the 250 clams a Tax on the rich.  They have to pay their fair share so the other kids don’t have to hear how bad we really are.

Blitzed:  But, what if the 1% kids decide they want to go to the show down the street that is charging $25.00 to hear a much better band?

Bernie:  Then we’ll throw those bastards in jail!

Blitzed:  Uh, that makes no sense.  If you jail the kids for not seeing your show, they can’t go to either show and both bands go broke.

Bernie:  Broke-Schmoke!  We’ll throw them in jail and make them pay a $500.00 fine to the Government and then the Government can pay my band to perform in the jail and everybody is happy.

Blitzed:  Happy-Schmappy!  What about the innocent American kids you jailed and forced to hear your band?

Bernie:  To hell with them.  They shouldn’t have been in the 1%.

Blitzed:  Uh, yeah, uh, well, I gotta go now. (under his breath and to his film crew) let’s get the heck out of here.  The Crazy is getting a little deep in here.

Bernie:  Okay, I’ll see you later for the show and don’t forget your $250 bucks and that goes for your crew too.


Wow!  I guess we learned something about Socialist Economic Policy or Economic Socialist Policy or maybe just plain old Insanity.

What do you think?

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Brotherly Love


Ronald
  Agent 54 here again.  I got to listen in on a phone call between two famous brothers.  The big brother Ronald, is a highly successful entrepreneur in the restaurant industry.  The little brother Norm, is an actor – comedian.  Here’s my report on what the McDonald brothers were talking about.  

Norm:  Yello!,  Norm here.

Ronald:  Hey little brother.  How are you?

Norm:  Hey Ron, I’m good.  What’s up?

Ronald:  Well, I’ve seen your TV adds where you dress up as Colonel Sanders for KFC.  I still can’t get my red head around the fact that you’re working to promote one of my biggest competitors.  I mean, really?

Norm:  Hey, it’s work.  You know I was having a hard time getting gigs in this country.  What the heck!  You can’t blame me for wanting to make a buck, for cripes sake.

Norm
Ronald:  Oh, com’on  little bro.  I mean, you know I offered you The Hamburgler role.  We could have been working together.

Norm:  The Hamburgler!  Are you serious?  I’m 6’1” tall, for cryin out loud.  I can’t play a mumbling midget criminal in a mask!  I mean that would have been the final nail in the coffin of my career, for freakin sure.

Ronald:  Don’t call him a midget.  The Hamburgler is a little person.

Norm:  Whatever!  I mean, If I played him we both could end up waiting tables and sleepin on the beach in Costa Rica.

Ronald:  Oh com’on.  You’re exaggerating and besides, there’s nothing wrong with waiting tables.  Customer service is a noble endeavor.

Col. Sanders
Norm:  Who are you to judge me anyway?  I mean, you sit there in your McMansion eating French fries all day long and you never gain any weight.  How the heck is that even possible, for the love of secret sauce?

Ronald:  Hey, I work out!

Norm:  Listen Ronny, the folks at KFC pay me good and they think I’m funny so get off my back.  I mean, you had your chance to throw me a bone or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and you blew it. 

Ronald:  But, what will Mom think?  Two brothers working directly against each other.  It’s just not right.

Norm:  Mom will be proud when she sees my paycheck.  Besides, you’re doing great without me.  You don’t need me.  What’s this really all about?


Ronald:  Don’t you know?  It’s all about family.  You’re my little brother.  I miss you and I care about you.  Listen, let’s get together this weekend and do lunch at Mom’s house.  She misses you too.

Norm:  Uh, yeah, I guess.  Yeah, I’ll come.  Should I bring a something to eat?  Extra Crispy?

Ronald:  (sarcastically) Yeah, Ha ha.  You always thought you were the funny one.



Well, I hope these two can patch things up for the family’s sake.

Call your Mom.



Saturday, February 6, 2016

Agent 54’s Night at the Improv


  In 2011 when I was on vacation in Lake Tahoe, a young comedian named Kyle Cease called Agent 54 up on the stage at the Improv, to help him with his act.  I was able to help him get a few laughs and so started my comedy career.  So far, I haven’t earned a dime in comedy but, maybe I’ve made a few people chuckle.
That’s fine with me.

  I’ve had the outline of a stand-up routine in my head for years now.  Finally I’m going to actually write it.  I know what you’re thinking.  Calm down, you just have to wait a little longer.  Okay, just a little longer now.  Okay here it is.

Announcer:  He’s here all the way from the NSA under the DORD, how about a big hand for Agent 54.

Audience:  Polite applause.

Agent 54:  Hi everyone, I know you’re doing great or they wouldn’t let you in here tonight.  I’m Agent 54 and this is my first time on stage in front of people and,,(Agent 54 freezes in terror clutching the mic with both hands and wearing a bug-eyed stare of terror straight out into the audience for about 3 seconds.)

Agent 54:  (Snapping back into his slick and confident comedian mode)  Hey, but really, I’ve got nothing to be worried about.  There’s only two ways this can go.  Either I knock you dead and we all have a good time and the owner is happy and he invites me back and a Hollywood agent sees me and I sign a big movie deal and become a rich and famous comedian with a great big expensive car and a mansion with a pool full of Hollywood Starlets or it’s back to Friday nights sitting on the couch watching re-runs of Saved By the Bell.  I can’t lose! 

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  (Looking at one particular audience member in the front row.)  I know, you wish you were me, don’t you?  (Agent 54 gives the audience a wink.)

Agent 54:  So, have any of you noticed that I’m bald?  Yes, it’s true.  Fact, I have more hair on my face than my head.  I like being bald.  It forces you to have a sense of humor.

Heckler from the Audience:  You Stink!

Agent 54:  (To the Heckler) Thanks Dad.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Everyone, how about a hand for my Dad.

Heckler:  I’m not your dad and you stink!

Agent 54:  Isn’t he great.  He’s always been my biggest supporter.  (To the Heckler) Thanks for coming out tonight.  Kiss Mom for me.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  So, you know how people are always saying "I take one day at a time"? Not me.  I take 2 days at a time.  That's why I look so young at age 56.

Audience:  Moderate Laughs.

Agent 54:  That was a math joke.  It's okay if you don't get it.  

Audience:  Moderate Laughs.

Agent 54:  So, any Liars here tonight?  Everybody lies.  Raise your hand if you occasionally tell a lie. Okay, I’m going to count, 1,2,3 okay 27.   Wait a minute.  Not everybody raised their hand.  You Pinocchio’s are lying about lying.  I can see noses growing from here.    Hey!, Sir, that’s not a nose.  Oye, Put that away.  This is a family show.  

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  America loves lies.  I say as an American, Lie Big or go home.  In my 20s I found myself at a party at friend’s apartment.  Trying to impress a half drunk young party girl and knowing my buddy would back me up on any lie I cared to tell, I took the little honey to my friend’s fish tank.  “See those fish?” I asked her.  “I caught them, with my bare hands!  She was pretty impressed, that is until my buddy came over.  He just had to top me.  “See that seaweed?” he asked the drunken cutie.  “I got it from the bottom of a frozen lake, on Mars!”  Wow! My buddy was claiming to have proof of extra-terrestrial life in his fish tank.  What a great lie!

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Well, that little drunkie was no Rocket Surgeon, so guess who got the girl that night.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Oh boy, I’m getting the signal to wrap it up so the next guy can come out here.   I don’t know what the rush is.  He’s nowhere near as funny as me.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Thanks for buying a ticket, Goodnight!



Well, Whadda ya think?  Was it worth the wait?