Sunday, September 25, 2016

Too Many Emotions

  Agent 54 here again.  I’ve been around for a while now and I’ve come to the conclusion that there are just too many emotions involved in human existence.
  Sure, there are some emotions that people like.  Love, satisfaction, happiness, joy, excited and full come to mind but, these positive emotions are overwhelmed by negative emotions like, hate, disappointment, anger, sadness, frustration, irked, perturbed, disgusted, offended, confusion, embarrassment, envy, jealousy, and not full.  Why so many negatives?  It’s not fair.

  The second problem with all these emotions is severity.  There are too many highs and lows because people take these emotions to extremes.   Even love.  I know you love your little Chihuahua but, carrying it around in public or in your purse is going too far.  Likewise, I understand you hate my cigar smoke but, banning smoking in every building in the country is a little extreme, don’t ya think?

Emotions at work suck too.  You know what happens.  If you show that you are happy, people around the water cooler start gossiping about who’s butt your kissing and how you got your last promotion.  How do you prove you’re not a “brown- noser”?  If you show you’re unhappy you get labeled as disgruntled or a trouble-maker.  If you show up with a hangover 3 or 4 times a week, you get labeled as an alcoholic.  Is that fair?

  Sometimes I get confused wondering about which emotions or how much emotion people expect to see from me in certain situations.  Example:  You tell me your dog died.  I don’t like dogs but, I like you.  So I fake empathy for your dog while Bob, my favorite voice in my head, is telling me that you should just go to the animal shelter and pick out a new, totally dependent, dirty and dumb animal to chew on your new shoes and crap on your carpet.  Of course I have to suppress Bob because you would freak out if I told you Muffy or Dogzilla was no more important or hard to replace than your favorite reclining chair.  Oh great!  Now the dog lovers are offended.  I’m Sorry (am I really sorry or just faking it?).  Great!  Now you know what it’s like to be confused like me.      

  Emotions can make you do some dumb stuff.  Raise your hand if you grow your hair long now to cover that tattoo that says “I love Gertrude” or “Leroy & Me” on your neck.  I myself once got so angry at someone that I punched a solid oak door and broke my hand.  Pretty dumb.  In fact, that’s so dumb I’m going to deny that I did that.  Oh, BTW, you can put your hands down now.  Yeah, I didn’t break my hand.  That was Stu, one of the other voices in my head.  See, emotions can make you tell lies.

  Expressing emotions correctly can be difficult too.  Have you ever accidentally used the wrong emoji?  Do you even know what an emoji is?  What about our facial expressions?  All of our faces are different.  What if I drink too much coffee (is that possible?) and develop a twitch in my eye?  You might think I’m winking at you and then the next thing you know, we’re engaged to be married.  Who needs that pressure!

So, I’ve been thinking about a solution to the problem of Too Many Emotions and I’ve decided that sorting and restricting the severity of individual emotions is too complicated and just won’t work.  My idea is to restrict myself to just two basic emotions in an effort to control the highs and lows of life.  From now on my two emotions are going to be Full and Not Full.

  FYI:  Full is what you are after going to Taco Bell and Not Full is what you are before you go to Taco Bell.  I believe that limiting yourself to just these two basic emotions could lead to a more even and sane life.  I think Mr. Spock would agree.

  So who is going to join me in this noble experiment?  Who is brave enough?  Please follow my lead and return to this blog post to record your experiences in the comments section twice a week for the next 20 years.   

Good luck.  I appreciate your support.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Burgundy Campaign in New Mexico

  Agent 54 here again.  It’s been a while since we had an update from Blitzed Wolfer on the Burgundy Campaign.  Many voters seemed to have gotten the impression that Ron had dropped out of the race.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Check out this interview with Ron from New Mexico.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Hello everyone this is Blitzed Wolfer with CAN on the campaign trail with Presidential candidate Ron Burgundy.  We’re standing in front of a medical facility in Albuquerque, New Mexico with Ron and his Physician, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz. 

Blitzed:  (to Ron Burgundy)  Ron, you have an announcement for us?

Ron Burgundy:  Yes, may I introduce Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.

Dr. Vinnie:  Hello Blitzed.  I’m here to certify that after rigorous examinations by the medical staff here at the Albuquerque Indian Health Center, we can pronounce that candidate Burgundy is healthy as a horse and his hair is a work of art. 

Blitzed:  That’s great news. 

Ron:  Thank you Dr. Vinnie.  You can go back to the golf course now.

Dr. Vinnie Boombatz
Blitzed:  (to Ron)  That’s terrific but, tell me Ron, what about your evaporating poll numbers?  You are down to 0.0004% in the latest Hecht-Cantilever poll.

Ron:  Well, a lot of things evaporate here in the dessert.  We still have time and though I may not have a lot of support, it’s the quality of my support that counts.

Blitzed:  Uh, okay.  So, most of American voters seem to be supporting other candidates.  What do you think of your opponents supporters?

Ron:  Well, while they’re as wrong as wrong can be to support somebody else, I still find them to be “adorable”.

Blitzed:  That’s nice.  So, what’s next for your campaign? 

Ron:  The campaign is going to Reno Nevada to get ready for the first Presidential Debate in Lake Tahoe on September 26th.  I think we’ll do quite well there.  You’ll see.

Blitzed:  Uh, Ron, the first Presidential Debate is in New York at Hofstra University on the 26th.

Ron:  What?  Wait! Wadda ya mean?  (calling out to Campaign Manager, The Only Wendy Shade)  Wendy!  What’s he talking about?

Wendy walks up to Ron and Blitzed.

Wendy:  (sadly) Uh, I’m sorry Ron but, we still haven’t received a reply to our appeal from the debate committee.  I didn’t know how to tell you this but, we’re not invited to the big debate.

Ron:  What!?! But, I’m the best looking candidate in the race!  How can this stand?  Nevermind, I’ll hold my own debate in or at Lake Tahoe.  You’ll be there to cover it, right Blitzed?

Blitzed:  Uh, actually I have tickets to go cover the big debate.

Ron:  Fine!  Then I’ll just have my Channel 4 News Team cover my debate!  In fact, I’ll debate my Channel 4 News Team.  Yeah, yeah, I’ll debate Brick Tamland, Brian Fantana and Champ Kind and it’ll be great!  Big debate, big deshcmate!  Who needs New York City anyway!

Blitzed:  Uh,

Ron:  (angrily interrupting)  I think that’s a wrap, Blitzed!!!

Blitzed:  Yeah, Uh, that’s, that’s all the time we have for today.  I’m Blitzed Wolfer on the campaign trail for the Cable Ass Network.  Thanks for watching.

Wow!  Personally, I can’t wait to watch Ron Burgundy debate the Channel 4 News Team.  Mark your calendars, America.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

The Changing Seasons

  Agent 54 here again.   It’s that time of year when the leaves on the trees are turning different colors, the kids are going back to school and the Baseball season is ending while Football season is just beginning.  For some people, the changing of the seasons can be a stressful time of year.  I got to listen in on a phone conversation between professional athlete Tim Tebow and hunter Elmer Fudd.  Can Elmer help Tebow adjust to The Changing Seasons?  Let’s find out.

Elmer Fudd:   Uh, hewoew, Elmer Fudd speaking.

Tim Tebow
Tim Tebow:  Hey Elmer, this is Tim Tebow.  How are you?

Elmer:  I know you! Huhuhuhuh.  You’re the Qwattaback that won the Heisman Twophy in 2007.  Oh boy!  Did you call because you want to go wabbit hunting with me?

Tebow:  Yeah, that’s me.  Uh, no, no wabbitt,,,no rabbit hunting for me, thanks. Well, the truth is that I’m trying to play professional baseball for the Mets now but, I’m having trouble transitioning from one sports season to another. 
Elmer Fudd

Elmer:  Twouble Twansitioning?

Tebow:  Uh huh.  I’m used to running plays and throwing passes this time of year, not swinging at fastballs.  You always seemed to be able to make the change from rabbit season to duck season and back and forth in a flash.  How do you do it?

Elmer:  Scotch!  Pwefwerabwe Dewars Scotch.

Tebow:  No!  That can’t be true.  How do you shoot when you’re loaded?

Elmer:  Oh, uh, well the Scotch doesn’t weally help me shoot stwaight.  The Scotch helps me deal with Bugs.  Huhhuhuhuh.  That scwewy wabbit will dwive you cwazy without a couple of dwinks.

Tebow:  Wow! I can imagine. Well, Scotch won’t help me hit a curveball.  I guess I’ll have to try to ask somebody else.

Elmer:  You could twy Orson Welles.  He was in the movie A Man foew All Seasons.

Tebow:  Yeah, yeah I’ll give him a call.  Thanks Elmer.

Elmer:  Before you go I want to ask you a qwestion.

Tebow:  Shoot!  Uh, I mean go ahead.  Please don’t shoot any wabbits,,,uh rabbits right now.
Bugs Bunny

Elmer:  Tim, you pwayed for Fwowida, the Bwoncos and now the Mets.  Those teams wear the same colors.  What’s with you and Owange and Bwue?

Tebow:  I don’t know, just lucky I guess.  Well, thanks anyway, see ya later.

Elmer:  Say Tim, feel fwee to call me duwing wabbit season,  We can go bag a few wascally wabbits.  Huhuhuhuhuh.

Tebow:  Uh, sorry but no thanks.  I don’t shoot living things.  Bye now.

Elmer:  Okay, good bye.

So, as summer fades and the temperatures begin to moderate, only one question remains:  Is it wabbit season or duck season?

Sunday, September 4, 2016

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. V

Confused Guy
Agent 54 here again reviewing another episode of The Warrior’s Studio with Blitzed Wolfer.  These interviews just keep getting better and better.  Let’s see who’s in the studio today.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Welcome everyone to the fifth installment of The Warrior’s Studio.  I’m your host, Blitzed Wolfer and I apologize, there seems to be some confusion about today’s guest.  (to the guest)  Sir, is this your correct name.

Confused Guy:  I don’t know.  What does it say in your notes?

Blitzed:  It says you are “Confused Guy”.

Confused Guy:  Oh, yeah, that’s the Superhero name they gave me.  You can call me, uh, uh, call me Confused Guy.

Blitzed:  Uh, okay Confused Guy, I think I can gather by your outfit the reason they call you that.

Confused Guy:  Why, wadda ya mean?  

Blitzed:  Well, it’s just because you’re wearing Ironman’s mask and Spiderman’s shoes and you’re holding Captain America’s shield and you have a woman’s blouse on.

Confused Guy:  It’s not a woman’s blouse.  It’s my blouse.

Blitzed:  Yes, well, I meant it has a woman’s style to it.

Confused Guy:  Well, if it’s my blouse and I’m wearing it, doesn’t it have my style?

Blitzed:  I suppose it does.  Let’s get on with the interview, shall we.  Please tell us how you battle Darth Vader and the evil Empire.

Confused Guy:  What?

Blitzed:  You know, what do you do to help win the war between the Rebel Alliance and the Empire.  You are an intergalactic warrior, aren’t you?

Confused Guy:  What?  Heck no!  I’m an Uber driver.

Blitzed:  An Uber driver?!  What the heck are you doing here?

Confused Guy:  I dunno.  I was hungry and somebody said there was free pepperoni pizza in one of these rooms around here.  I got tired of looking for it so I came in here and sat down and then you started asking me these dumb questions.

Blitzed:  Yes, well the pizza is in the Green room.  I guess we should continue the interview since you are here.

Confused Guy:  Which room is the Green room?

Blitzed:  Don’t worry, I’ll show you later.  Now, you are an Uber driver.  How’s that working out.

Confused Guy:  Okay, I guess.  I got a tip last month.

Blitzed:  Really?  Was it a good tip?

Confused Guy:  Oh yeah, the rider told me “don’t smoke in bed” so now I get up and get a Dr. Pepper from the fridge before I fire up my purple bong.
Blitzed:  Oh, so you’re from Colorado.  What are you doing here in New York?

Confused Guy:  New York?  Oh, no wonder my last rider got so mad at me.

Blitzed:  Yes, well, that’s all the time and patience we have for today’s interview on The Warrior’s Studio.  I’m Blitzed Wolfer saying, I apologize.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Ancient Alien Ancestors?

Agent 54 here again.  I’ve been watching the Ancient Alien TV documentary series on the History channel.   Ancient Alien Theory began with the book Chariots of the Gods? by Erich Von Daniken.   Giorgio Tsoukalos is a main proponent of this theory and can be seen in every episode of the show.  Tonight I jumped out of  bed at 2:00 am because I now know why I’m fascinated by these shows.  I have realized the shocking truth.   Agent 54’s Ancestors were Ancient Aliens.

  I don’t understand why it took so long for me to come to this conclusion.  The evidence of my extraterrestrial lineage is and has always been all around me.  Main stream science has been slow to acknowledge the existence of Aliens but, what do they know?  When I was a kid they said there were 9 planets in our solar system and now they say there is only 8.  Let’s keep an open mind.  Let’s examine the evidence.

  Erich Von Daniken and Giorgio Tsoukalos theorize that long ago, the Ancient Aliens came to earth in space ships and modified human DNA in an experiment intended to improve our species.  This explains why Agent 54 is smarter, better looking and funnier than the early humans.    

  In the latest episode of Ancient Aliens, they explain that aliens are still abducting the genetically modified humans to monitor their experiment.  They tell us that only 1% of  the human population has green eyes but 50% of the reports of Alien Abductions come from people with green eyesAgent 54 has green eyes.  

  Erich and Giorgio go on to explain that most abductees have no memory of being abducted but, under hypnosis can recall their terrifying alien encounters.   Agent 54 has no memory of being abducted. 

  While Agent 54 hasn’t been hypnotized into giving up his Alien Abduction stories, I do write about the subject in my Agent 54 blog posts titled:  Burgundy Campaign Spaces Out, Burgundy Campaign Spaces Out II and Bungalow Bill's Outer-Space Adventure.  Coincidence?  Agent 54 doesn’t think so.

  You have to ask yourself, why does Agent 54 have a AAA membership that I’ve never used?  Could it subconsciously have something to do with Ancient Alien Astronauts?  Agent 54 is convinced it absolutely does.

   I realized that the Ancient Aliens have been communicating with me in their own special, discreet way.  My wife has observed the trance-like state that I often enter when watching the Ancient Alien episodes on the History channel from my reclining chair.  She says this trance-like state is often accompanied by strange sounds coming from my body that kinda go “zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz”.  Later, after I regain full consciousness (with coffee of course),  Agent 54 is able to write fantastic tales that bring joy and laughter to the world.

  I have often wondered why I’m fascinated with using my metal detector.  Am I searching for treasure or looking for Ancient Alien Artifacts to prove my heritage?  Agent 54 believes he’s on a journey to discover his extraterrestrial “roots”.

  Main stream scientists are still publically denying the very existence of extraterrestrial life but, Ancient Alien theorists point to mountains of evidence and artifacts that science cannot explain.  I have examined the evidence and Agent 54 believes we were visited in the distant past by Ancient Alien Astronauts.

What if it were true?

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Groundhog Day and the Department of Redundancy Department

  Agent 54 here again.  There have been rumors going around the DORD that there could be budget cuts coming.  At the same time the very symbol of the DORD, the noble Groundhog, is facing the threat of extinction on golf courses everywhere.  This is doubly disturbing for me because less funding and the loss of the Groundhog mean less laughter and that makes the world a less funny place and nobody needs that right now or ever.   
Groundhog Day
Just like how Bill Murray’s comedy career needed two movies co-starring the lovable rodent, the world needs to double down on the humor my NSA under the DORD and Groundhogs provide.  Who else will “dig up the dirt” on the Ron Burgundy Campaign for President?  What else would truck drivers order at diners other than “Groundhog Parmigiana” in an attempt to make waitresses laugh?

  I understand that some people have a problem with my NSA spying on innocent American citizens whether they’re living or dead or fictional.  I know golfers get angry when their balls go down a Groundhog hole or they break and ankle stepping in one.  I believe that is a small price to pay for the hilarious humor we provide.  Just think of the joy the millions of readers of this blog get on a daily basis.  I know some of you are in stitches right now.  You’re welcome.

  Some people think the DORD is a waste of taxpayer dollars.  I know many just think of Groundhogs as roadkill cuisine.  I challenge you people to open your minds to giving the humor of the NSA and Groundhogs the respect that Agent 54 and Bill Murray deserve.

  So, for the sake of worldwide levity, I’m calling on you for action now.  I want you to support Politicians around the globe who promise to double the funding for the NSA under the DORD and create a second Groundhog Day on August 2nd annually to honor Spies and Groundhogs for humor’s sake.  

Let’s put a smile on the faces of Spies and Groundhogs everywhere.

Great Northwest

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Flight Lines

  Agent 54 here again.  I recently had to fly across country for personal reasons and so I thought there might be some humor I could write about in the whole air travel process, but I was wrong.

  Well, I thought I was wrong until one of the voices in my head, Bob, corrected me.  Bye the way, Bob is the voice that I sent looking for that comedy idea I had lost in 2013 (Voices).  I hadn’t named Bob at that point and he received some emotional injuries then but, Bob has made a full recovery and I know everyone is grateful for that.

  So, three of the voices in my head and I are sitting here drinking coffee and discussing domestic air travel.  You know Bob so, let me introduce Stu and John,  Stu is the annoying voice that stutters and John is stoic and has a very subtle, dry sense of humor.  Sometimes I think John doesn’t even know he’s being funny.

  We all seem to agree about the best airline joke but the problem is that it is a visual joke.  Bob is insisting I include it so, here goes nothing.

  185 stewardesses walk into a bar and the bartender says “Oh, I’m sorry, we don’t serve stewardesses in here and the exits are here (pointing to the exits on either side of the bar with both hands like a flight attendant does on the pre-flight check-list) and here.”

Bob:  See!  It works great!  You know if you listen to me more often you’d be making money on this blog.  I mean big bucks!

Stu;  Ye, ye, ye yeah.  Li li li listen to B, B, Bob.

Agent 54:  What the heck are you talking about?  How can you say it works when I’m not even finished writing this yet?

John:  Correct, Agent 54.  The audience must decide if the joke works.  As an audience member, I think it sucks.

Agent 54;  John, you’re supposed to be a participant in this.  Not an audience member.

John:  I’m going to deny having anything to do with this project if you include that joke.

Bob:  Who are you going to deny it to?  You been talking to other people’s voices in their heads?  Huh?  You cheatin on Agent 54?

Stu:  Ch, ch, ch cheater!

(John turns his nose up, crosses his legs and stares out a window into my subconscious.)

Agent 54:  Shut up, Stu.  How is that even possible?  Com’on guys.  We’re supposed to be writing something funny for my fans.

Bob:  Fans?  That’s a bit generous, don’t ya think.

Stu:  F, f, f, fart joke fans.

Agent 54:  Nothing wrong with a good fart joke.  Let’s explore that some more.

Bob:  Okay, let me ask you, Agent 54.  Did you fart on the airplane?

Agent 54:  Yes, yes I did.  Every single one, every time I fly.

Stu:  O, o, o, okay?

(10 seconds of silence)

John:  You guys are morons.  May I be excused?

Agent 54:  No!  Are you for real?  Where the hell are you going to anyway?

Bob:  Told ya, he’s cheatin on ya.

Stu:  Ch, ch, ch cheater!

Agent 54:  Guys!  Com’on!  We’re getting nowhere.

Stu:  O, o, o, okay, h, h, h, how about this.  A, a, a, airline food makes you f, f, f, fart.

Bob:  That’s a fact Stupy boy, not a joke.

John:  Agent 54’s farts are smarter than this whole conversation.

Bob and Stu make fart noises:  ththththththththththffarttttttt.

Agent 54:  Alright, that’s all I can take.  Why don’t you guys go learn to speak Spanish or something. 

John:  Finally!  Adios.

Bob:  Feliz burrito!  Thththththfartttttt.

Stu:  O, o, o, ole!  Th, th, th, thththfartttttt. 


So, it turns out that I was right from the start.  There is nothing funny about flying across country.


Group Session

Sunday, June 26, 2016

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. IV

  Agent 54 here again.  Time for another episode of The Warrior’s Studio.  These interviews of intergalactic warriors are just getting better and better.  Let’s see who’s in the studio today.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Welcome everyone to the fourth installment of The Warrior’s Studio.  I’m your host, Blitzed Wolfer and it’s my distinct pleasure to welcome the intergalactic swashbuckler, Spacebeard to the studio today.

Audience:  Polite applause for Spacebeard.

Spacebeard:  Ahoy maties!  Yo ho ho, it be great to be here with ye land lubbers.

Blitzed:  So, I noticed you’re standing on your chair.  Is that due to your wooden leg?

Spacebeard:  Aye!  Quite perceptive of ye there matey.  Yea, since I lost me leg I  find sitting to be quite uncomfortable for me.

Blitzed:  Oh, did you lose your leg in a fierce battle with Empirical forces?

Spacebeard:  Arrrrgh!  No, no it weren’t quite like that.

Blitzed:  Well, please tell us how it happened.  I’m sure my audience would be fascinated to hear this story.

Spacebeard:  Arrrrgh!  Very well then.  One space day when I be just hangin out on me Millennium Buzzard, arrrrgh, that’s me ship, with some Smelly Pirate Space Hookers I,,,

Blitzed:  (interrupting) Wait!  You hang out with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers?

Spacebeard:  Aye!  Why else would a man become a Space Pirate?

Blitzed:  Well, we thought it would be to do battle and help defeat the Evil Empire.

Spacebeard:  Arrrrgh!  Uh, No!  That would be dumb.  No, hanging out with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers and enjoying tons of fine booty taken from the Empire are the only reasons to become a Space Pirate.  Aye!  That and to be yer own boss.

Blitzed:  Very interesting.  Please tell us more about how you take the booty from Darth Vader.

Spacebeard:  Aye!  Well, me ship, the Millennium Buzzard is equipped with the latest electronic cloaking devices.  That allows us to be hiddin near the shipping lanes between the largest vessels the Empire’s got and their space bases.  Ye may know that the Empire uses EMPEX (Empirical Express) to send supplies from their bases to their largest star cruisers.  Aye!  Me maties and I, we wait until the coast is clear, then we be apouncin, or I mean we beam aboard the courier ships and yo ho ho, the booty is all ours.

Blitzed:  Oh my!  That sounds terribly dangerous.  Don’t the couriers have security aboard?  Do they put up a good fight?

Spacebeard:  Arrrrgh!  Hell no!  That would be dumb.  No, no we’ve taken care of them by cutting them in for a share of the loot from the booty we be sellin on the black space market. 

Blitzed:  How do you get away with that?  Doesn’t Darth Vader use the dark side of the force to catch you?

Spacebeard:  Yo ho ho, hell no!  We be far too small a fly in the Empire’s ointment for them to catch us.  Oh yeah, sometimes the lads on courier ships have to fake injuries or even their own deaths but, I makes it worth it for them.  Darth don’t give a space rats ass about them.

Blitzed:  I see.  So, what kind of booty do you get from the EMPEX ships?

Spacebeard:  Well, we be collectin lots of spare parts and electronics and weapons for sellin on the black space market but, the booty me and me mates prizes the most be the Pepperoni Pizzas.

Blitzed:  Fascinating!  I had a previous guest who told us the Empire loves Pepperoni Pizzas.

Spacebeard:  Aye!  It be true!  And Space Pirates love Pepperoni Pizzas too.  My mates and me, we’ve taken millions of frozen space Pepperoni pies from the Empire over the years.  Aye!  I even took the liberty to be fillin the mini fridge in yer green room with stolen Pepperoni Pizzas, courtesy of Darth Vader.

Blitzed:  Oh, thank you.  That was very kind of you.  Maybe I’ll take advantage of that after this interview.

Spacebeard:  Aye! I’m a thinkin the two Smelly Pirate Space Hookers I brought with me tonight might be enjoyin that too.

Blitzed:  Wha, wha, wait!  You brought a couple of Smelly Pirate Space Hookers with you?  Really?  Can I meet them?

Spacebeard:  Aye!  They be awaitin us in that there green room ye got with the Pizzas and a few space brews.  Tonight ye be like one of me crew.  Ye be partying like a real proper Space Pirate as soon as we wrap this up.

Blitzed:  Oh boy!  Well I guess that’s all the time we have.  See ya later on the next episode of The Warriors Studio.

 Wow!  Didn’t I tell you these interviews were getting better and better.  I’m sure this one was Blitz’s favorite.