Sunday, August 30, 2015

Team Building?

Nurse Ducttaper
  Agent 54 here again.  I woke up several hours ago in nurse Ducttaper’s office at the NSA under the DORD with a headache and couple of my buddies looking at me like I was a museum exhibit.  Apparently, I had lost some of my short term memory of why I was there and what happened.  The Weirdness was just beginning.

Scene:  Nurse Ducttaper’s office.

Billy Idol:  Hey, you’re awake you wanker.  You scared me a bit.

Flo:  Yeah, you have a nice nap?

Agent 54:  What the hell?  Ahh,  who hit me with a bat?

Nurse Ducttaper:  You’re gonna be alright there sleeping beauty.  Here, put this ice bag on your noggin and take it easy.

Agent 54 sits up on the cot in the nurses office, holding the ice bag to the back of his head.

Agent 54:  Well, is somebody going to tell me what happened or do I have to wait for Inspector Gadget’s report?

Flo:  Don’t you remember?

Agent 54:  I remember we had a meeting for some dumb-ass Team Building thing.

Billy Idol:  Wadda ya remember about the meeting.

Agent 54:  I remember donuts.

Billy Idol:  Oh man!  We gotta show you the tape!  It was hilarious!

Flo:  Billy!  Agent 54 might not think it was so funny.

Billy Idol:  Oh, yeah, right, no offense.

Agent 54:  What was funny?  What did you guys do?

Billy Idol:  Hey, it wasn’t my idea.  It was all The Joker from the start.

Agent 54:   What!  Owww!

Nurse Ducttaper:  That’s enough, you two troublemakers.  Agent 54 needs to rest.  You all can show him the video of the accident later.

Flo:  (under her breath) Accident my ass.

Nurse Ducttaper:  Git!

Scene:  In the group viewing room a bunch of us are watching the surveillance tape of the Team Building meeting.  The video is showing an exercise where five of us stand up in a circle with our eyes closed.  We are instructed to just lean back on the count of three and that one of our “Teammates” will catch us.  Nobody can see which “Teammate” is behind them.  The exercise is supposed to build trust between “Teammates”.  Guess who gets to have The Joker catch him?

Billy Idol:  I swear I didn’t know what The Joker was up to.  Look at his face.  He looks normal.

Agent 54:  Normal!  He looks demented.

Billy Idol:  Well yeah, but, demented is normal for that bloke.

John Rambo:  Yeah, you never know what that guy’s thinkin.

Agent 54:  Why did I draw The Joker?  Rambo, how the heck did you get to catch Flo?

Rambo:  Just luck, I guess.

As the video progresses we hear the count down.  1,2,3,.  As I start to lean back The Joker swiftly steps out of the way.

Video:  The Joker: Whoops, So sorry, Ha ha ha, ho ho ho , now it’s time to go go go!

The Joker
   The video continues and as Agent 54 falls back and cracks his head on the floor, we see The Joker bolting for the windows.  We can hear his psychotic, evil laughter as he unlatches his favorite window and jumps out to make his escape across the lawn to his get-a-way car.  Of course the whole video room is now howling in laughter, except for one guy who is holding an ice bag on the back of his head.

Agent 54:  Thanks a lot, you donkeys.

Flo:  Oh, com’on.  You gotta admit, the video is great.

Billy Idol:  Yeah, we gotta send a copy to that “America’s Dumbass Videos” show.

Inspector Gadget:  Oh no my friends.  This video is now “classified” and I’m personally going to take a copy to the boss.  I should be able to get The Joker suspended for at least a week for you, Agent 54.

Agent 54:  Great!  I get a concussion and a goose egg on my dome and he gets a vacation.

Rambo:  Quit you’re bitchin.  If that video gets out, you’ll be a star.

Agent 54:  (sarcastically) Yeah, Thanks!

So, I guess the lesson learned there is never trust a “Teammate” with a 40 year criminal record,,,or anyone else at the NSA either.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Burgundy Campaign visits Sedona

  Agent 54 here again.  We at the NSA are “under orders” to keep the Ron Burgundy Campaign under close scrutiny.   We have to know where Ron is at all times.  Today Ron’s campaign bus rolled into Sedona Arizona.   I wonder what kind of whackos and weirdoes he’ll encounter there.  Let’s see:

  Scene:  Ron Burgundy and his campaign staff have just finished lunch and the Cowboy Club and they are walking towards the campaign bus.

Ron:  (to campaign Chairman The Only Wendy Shade)  Great Oden’s Raven, those Bison burgers are good.

Wendy:  Oh yeah, especially when you get it really rare.

Ron:  That’s right you like your meat mooing.  Do Bison moo?

Wendy:  I believe Bison bark.

Finance Director/Spiritual Adviser Howard Forman joins the conversation.

Howard:  I think Bison grunt, well it depends, you know anything will bark when you stick it with an electric cattle prod.

Ron:  Howard, you know I asked you to leave the cattle prod at home.

Howard:  I did leave it home.  I’m just sayin.

Ron:  Because you know what happened last time.  We don’t have that kind of bail money with us on this trip.

Stopping next to the campaign bus, Wendy tries to take charge of the conversation.

Wendy:  Boys, Let’s go over this afternoon’s agenda.  First we are going to find Melinda Leslie at the Center for the New Age so she can tell Ron about her “UFO” experience.

Ron:  Yeah, she met a real space alien.

Wendy:  Yeah, sure she did.

Howard:  You know as your Spiritual Adviser I’d advise you Ron, not to say that out loud.

Ron:  What?  Everyone knows that UFOs come to Sedona all the time.

Wendy:  Whatever!  Can we get back to the schedule now?

Ron:  And, how about that Vortex.  I felt it.  Didn’t you feel a tingle in your legs?

Wendy:  I felt a pain in my ass.  Ron!, after the psycho alien lady, you have to go the Chapel of the Holy Cross and get a picture taken with the pastor.

Howard:  And you need to pray for campaign guidance there.

Ron:  Great, come all the way to Sedona to get stuck in church.

Howard and Wendy together:  RON!

Ron:  Hey, that’s Cher!

Wendy:  No its not, now let’s get,,,

Howard: (interrupting) I think that was Cher.

Ron:  Yeah, it was and she went into that little shop. Let’s go say hello to Cher.

Wendy:  Ron, no, we have a campaign,,,

Ron starts jogging toward the little shop.  Howard is caught in the middle. (should I stay or should I go?)

Ron:  I’m just going to say hello. Be back in 2 minutes.

Wendy: (grinding her teeth) Fine!  I’ll be on the bus when you want to get back to the campaign, children.

Ron pops into the little shop to see Cher casually shopping.

Ron:  Cher, I thought it was you.

Cher:  Oh, hi, please no autographs, I just want to do a little shopping by myself.

Ron:  Oh, I’m not a fan.  I mean, uh I’m a fan but, I don’t want your autograph.

Cher:  Gee thanks!

Ron:  No, what I meant is that uh, well, I’m Ron Burgundy and I’m running for President of the United States of America.

Howard comes through the door.

Howard:  It was Cher!  Or, uh it is Cher.  Uh hi Cher.

Cher:  (to Ron) Is he a friend of yours?

Ron:  Yes, actually he’s my Finance Director/Spiritual Adviser.

Cher:  That explains it.  So, what the heck is a Presidential candidate doing in Sedona Arizona?

Ron:  Well, we’re trying to get to know the American people and let them know me.  We’re having a blast learning about all the different cultures and people and what they do, how they work and how they celebrate and live life.

Cher:  Wow, that actually sounds pretty cool.

Ron:  Oh yeah, well I’m a pretty cool guy, uh candidate.

Cher:  Yeah, and you’re a pretty cute guy and your hair is a work of art.  You know I have some friends in the Sinagua tribe and they are having a ceremonial dance tonight.  Why don’t I pick you up around 10:00.  I’ll take you to a place where you can really learn about the people of America before it ever was America.

Ron:  Really?  I’d love to.  That was 10pm, right?

Cher:  Yeah, uh, 10pm.  Where can I pick you up?

Ron:  I’ll be on the campaign bus parked right out there.  It’s a big ole campaign bus with flags and my picture on it.  You can’t miss it.  Great Caesar’s Ghost! My Campaign Chairman, Wendy is going kill me.  I’ve got to get back to the campaign.
Ron hurries to the door and has to push a mesmerized Howard through it.

Ron: (over his shoulder) It was nice to meet you Cher.  See you at 10.

Cher:  (softly with a grin)  Well alright there Mr. Presidential Candidate.  Nice to meet you too.

How about that.  Ron Burgundy has a date with Cher in Sedona.  Who would have thunk it?  Wow, Cher could become the First Lady.  God Bless America!

Wednesday, August 12, 2015


   Agent 54 here again.  I came home from work early the other day and caught some of my so called friends, shooting dice in my kitchen.  I’ve told them a hundred times that “there’s no gambling in this house” but, they obviously don’t give a damn.  If my wife catches them, she’ll make me collect them all and drop them off at Good Will.

    I may as well introduce some of them to you.  You may have seen then in my earlier picture labeled Poison.  They all wanted to be in that one.  They’re such hams.

  This is Georgy the Gecko.  He's the ring-leader.  He runs the craps game and takes advantage of the not-so-sharp little guys.  That's how he finances his Cigar habit.  I got to admit that I enjoy lighting up a nice Arturo Fluente with Georgy.  He hates the Geico Gecko and is always saying he'd kick his ass.  I didn't tell him that I have my car insurance with Geico.

 Next is Froggy. He's Georgy's right hand,,,whatever and the jokester of the group.  My wife hates Froggy because he's always hiding in a cupboard or drawer or in her purse and jumping out at her.  I've had to stop her a couple of times from shoving him down the garbage disposal, with Froggy laughing the whole time.  Froggy's not the sharpest tack in the box and Georgy has convinced he owes him $728,000.00 for some Real Estate they've invested they're craps winnings in.  Someday the shit's going to hit the fan on that deal and I'm not going to get in the middle of it.  I think we'll find out how tough Georgy really is that day. 

  Chipster pretends to be shy sometimes but he's really a great actor.  If you look back at the Poison picture you can see that he really did look dead.  When human friends come over they can catch a glimpse of him scurrying under tables and chairs.  He wants to be subtle but he wants his attention too.  When it's just the wife and I at home, Chipster will make a variety of squeaks and shrieks until someone picks him up and he's always around when I have the camera out. 

Spike is one whose bark is worse than his bite.  Actually he can't really bite you because he lost all his teeth on his lower jaw.  We do feed him just like the others but, for some reason, he likes to eat from the 
garbage can so, his breath is always terrible.  Yeah, he's not one of my wife's favorites either.  Spike was abandoned in a park so, when I saw him all alone, I thought I could give him a good home but, he doesn't interact much with the others, except when the dice come out.

T chasing some food.
  T is a true bad-ass.  Again, not the brightest bulb on the string but, if you want something small destroyed or eaten, he's your,,,whatever.  I can't keep enough little toy spiders, snakes or tiny dinosaurs around for him.  T eats constantly but never gains any weight.  T takes no crap from anyone but, it seems that Georgy has some kind of power over him even though T could rip him a new one in fight.  I don't know how much of my change T has lost to Georgy in the craps games over the years but, you always see him in the game with that huge grin on his face.

  Well, those are some of my little miscreant friends that help make my life a little more interesting.  I'm sure I'll be writing about them and the others again when something interesting happens and something interesting always does happen.  I've gotta get going now, I promised to take them to Taco Bell for lunch today.  This should be fun.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Dog Days of Summer

  Agent 54 here again.  I got to listen in on what was supposed to be some kind of organizational meeting of some unique Americans.  The meeting didn’t really go very well and I don’t know if much was accomplished.  Here’s my report.

Scene:  A nice hotel suite that is set up like a corporate board room with a long table and eight chairs.  There is an easel with a flowchart near the head of the table.  In a near by in a corner is Sweet Polly Purebred with a stenography machine.  She’s obviously recording the minutes of the meeting.  Underdog stands at the head of the table as the other attendees meet, greet find their seats. 

Underdog:  Everybody please settle down and take your seats. I’d like to get this meeting started.

As the attendees take their seats it becomes clear that everyone in the room belongs to the canine species.

Snoopy:   Say, what’s this meeting all about?

Lassie:  Yeah, I don’t even know why I’m here. You know I have to get back to keeping an eye on Timmy or he’ll fall down a well or something.

Scooby-Doo:   RhI’m rhhungry! 

Underdog:   Okay, now that we’re all seated, we can begin.  I asked you all to come here because something needs to be done.  As you know, Cats currently dominate this planet and that is just plain wrong.

Huckleberry Hound:   (in a slow southern drawl)  That’s right, they do dominate and that’s not very nice.

Rin Tin Tin:   If I had my way, there’d be no cats on this planet.  I hate ‘em.

Lassie & Timmy
Huckleberry Hound
Underdog:   Take it easy.  I’m not trying to start an inter-species war.  I just wanted to see if we could organize our efforts to rebuild our standing as “man’s best friend”.

Snoop Dogg:   War!  Man, I ain’t up for no war.  I could go for a couple Tacos right now, ain’t that right, Scooby!

Scooby-Doo:   Rhat’s rhhight!

Underdog:   C’mon everybody let’s focus.  There’ll be no war and no food until after our business is done so let’s concentrate.

Odie:   Kibbles & Bits, Kibbles & Bits!  Hey! I don’t want to go to war with my buddy Garfield.

Snoop Dogg:   Shiiiit!  Man, Odie, Garfield ain’t your friend you freakin idiot.

Underdog:   Hey, hey everybody!  Nobody’s talking about war and let’s be civil to each other.  Remember we want respect from mankind again.

A siren from a firetruck interrupts the meeting and most of the dogs jump up, knocking over their chairs, to run to the open balcony.  Leaning over the rail, with their fore paws on it, they strain to watch the truck go by, leaving only Snoop Dogg, Huckleberry Hound and Underdog at the table.

Snoop Dogg
Snoop Dogg:   Man, chasin firetrucks don’t make no sense to me.

Huckleberry Hound:   Exactly, once you’ve caught one, the thrill is gone.

Snoop Dogg looks over his shades and down his snout at Huckleberry Hound.

Snoop Dogg:   Huh?  Dog, you didn’t catch no firetruck!

Huckleberry Hound:   I most certainly did. In my youth I was quite an athlete.

Underdog:   Yo!  C’mon everybody.  I’m trying to hold a meeting.

The dogs take a few minutes to get resettled around the table.

Underdog:   Sweet Polly, where were we?

Sweet Polly:   Snoop Dogg said Shiiiit!
Sweet Polly Purebred

Rin Tin Tin
Underdog:   (interrupting)  No, no, after that.

Sweet Polly:   You said “Remember we want respect from mankind again.”

Underdog:   Yes, yes exactly.  Now, for how many years have we been pulling man’s dog sleds (Canadian Limos), sniffing their luggage at the airport and leading them around when they can’t see.  We’ve been working too hard for too many years with too little respect.  Look what Michael Vick had us doing and look at the NFL.  They have 4 teams named after cats but, none named after dogs.

Rin Tin Tin:   I thought the Cleveland Browns were named after dogs?

Scooby-Doo:   Rhat’s rhhight!

Odie:   I don’t think so.  The Browns are named after coach Paul Bear Brown.

Lassie:   So, they’re named after a Brown Bear?

Huckleberry Hound:   Paul Bear Bryant coached Alabama. Roll Tide!

Scooby Doo
Underdog:   Dogs, dogs, we’re getting off the point.

The door to the room suddenly opens and we see Chester Cheetah standing in the doorway.  He tosses a tennis ball into the room that bounces once and goes over the balcony railing.  The same dogs that chased the firetruck jump up to chase the tennis ball and leap over the rail after it.  They all fall 5 stories into the Hotel swimming pool, splashing and terrifying all the swimmers there who scream and run in a panic.  Rin Tin Tin comes away with the ball.

Rin Tin Tin:   (doggy paddling in the pool with tennis ball in his mouth) I got it!

Up in the Hotel room, Chester Cheetah speaks to the stunned dogs that remain.

Chester Cheetah:   Looks like this meeting is adjourned.

With a victorious and devious laugh Chester runs down the hall at 60mph and is gone.

After a few stunned seconds of silence, a dog speaks.

Huckleberry Hound:   Well Mr. Underdog, thank you for inviting me to your lovely meeting.  Good night.
Chester Cheetah

After Huckleberry leaves, we hear from other dogs in the room.

Snoop Dogg:   Man, that’s one strange dog.  I gotta get some of what he’s smoking.

Sweet Polly:   So does this mean the meeting is over?

Underdog and Snoop Dog both look at Polly with their heads half-cocked and puzzled looks on their faces.

Wow, what a meeting!  It may not have gone as planned but, I think they meant well.  I’ll have to keep an eye on this pack. 


Sunday, July 26, 2015

Burgundy Campaign visits Toronto,,,Uh,,,I mean Buffalo

  Agent 54 here again.  Looks like the Burgundy Campaign is cranking it up again.  On the weekend they were in Toronto, Ontario Canada for the Buffalo Bills versus the Atlanta Falcons football game.  From there they, reluctantly, moved on to Buffalo, New York, USA.

Scene:   We catch up to most of the team in the lobby of “The Mansion on Delaware Avenue”.  It’s just after lunch and Ron, Joe B., John, Tim and Wendy are there.  They’re going over the campaign plans for the day and talking about the past weekend.

John:  Wow!  I still can’t get over that game.  34 / 31 in overtime.

Tim:  Yeah, real exciting, except for Bills fans.  That stadium, The Rogers Centere is incredible with the hotel built right into it.

Ron:  That whole city was amazing.  With the CN Tower and all.  We should be campaigning there.  Wendy, why aren’t we campaigning in the beautiful city of Toronto with those beautiful, healthy looking Torontasians.

Wendy:  Ron, you know it’s a different country.  Those Torontonaughts can’t vote for you.

Ron:  That’s nonsense!  This is a free continent and the Trontosians should be able to vote for whoever they want.   When I’m President I’ll fix this deplorable situation.

Wendy:  What are you gonna do, annex the Canadian City of Toronto?  Good luck, President Polk.

Ron:  This is no joke!  Those Torontagans deserve an American President and I don’t even do the polka.

Tim:  (under his breath)  Yeah, look how much good American Presidents have done for Detroit.

Ron:  What was that, Tim?  Why don’t you save your smartass remarks for your space alien buddies.

Tim:  Man, take a nap on a bus and they never let you forget it.  I’m going outside.

Tim gets up and walks out into the parking lot to smoke a small cigar.

John:  You know I’m writing a snappy new song.  “The Torontotula Polka”.

Wendy:  Out!

John:  I think I’ll go make sure Tim doesn’t disappear again.

John joins Tim on a smoke break but, does not light up.  Wendy and Ron look at Joe B. who silently smiles.

Wendy:  Alright, now when the Canadian Limo gets here, we’re,,,

Joe B.:  (Interrupting)  Canadian Limo?  You mean we’re going by dogsled?

Wendy stares bullets at Joe B.

Joe B.:  I better check on Tim and John.

Scene:  Joe B. Joins Tim and John in the parking lot.

Niagara Falls
Tim:  (to Joe B.)  Those two Torontonuttballs kick you out too?

Joe B.:  Wendy said she got a Canadian Limo and,,,

John:  (interrupting)  What, we’re going by dogsled? 

Tim:  I’m having a blast on this trip.  Gimme fist pump.

The men awkwardly fist pump each other and some of the fists sorta explode.  Back inside the hotel lobby, Wendy tries again to get the campaign back on track.

Wendy:  Ron, the limo takes us to Niagara Falls for some picture taking.  Right now, your hair is a work of art.  Keep it that way!

Ron:  Yes Dear.

Wendy:  After that, we’re going to Elmwood Village for some Christmas shopping for the best campaign manager ever.

Ron:  Absolutely, (tapping his inside pocket) and I’ve got my prepared remarks about the Christmas Lights Controversy in my jacket pocket.

Canadian Limo
Scene:  A white van pulls up in front of the hotel with “Canada Limousine Service” painted on it.  At the same time, campaign volunteer Maureen pops into the hotel lobby from the elevator.

Maureen:  Good morning.

Wendy:  Morning?  It’s 1:10 pm princess.  Let’s go.  The Canadian Limo is here and,,,

Maureen:  (interrupting)  Wait, we’re going by dogsled?

Sunday, July 19, 2015

NSA Annual Company Picnic

Agent 54 here again to share my report on our Annual company picnic at the NSA under the DORD.   As you may have guessed, the picnic was held in a secret picnic location. The Oldies Band, Clowns and Ponies all had to be blindfolded and sworn to secrecy before being helicoptered in for the day.  Other than that it was more or less your average company picnic with just a few more eccentric personalities.  Of course all activities and conversations in the area were recorded.  Here’s how some of those conversations went.

Scene:  In a beautiful open space of a National Park somewhere in America there’s a large open sided tent, under which is a band in one corner and a Black Jack table with a dealer dressed in 1800s costume in another.  In the middle is a large grilling station where typical picnic fare is being cooked.  There are various game stations around the tent along with a face painting station for the kids.  Outside some cowboys and cowgirls are leading the kids around on the backs of the ponies.  The atmosphere is festive.  Agent 54 is seated at a table with a couple of his buddies.

Agent 54:  Who’s that guy?
El Guapo

John Rambo:  I dunno.

Inspector Gadget:  (standing at table) That my friends, is El Guapo.

Billy Idol:  El whato?

Inspector Gadget:  They call him El Guapo and he just started this week.  He used to be in construction, specializing in excavations.  He’s in the Spanish department.

The conversation is interrupted by the sound of loud, psychotic, evil laughter coming from the Black Jack table.

The Joker:  Ha Ha Ha, I win again! He He He, you can’t beat me!

Billy Idol:  Wow, Joker’s having a ball.  He don’t seem to care that he’s just winning play money.

John Rambo:  Yeah, he’s having a blast cuz he thinks he’s cheating and getting away with it.

Agent 54:  What do you think will happen when he figures out the dealer is giving everybody 21 by dealing from the bottom of the deck?

John Rambo:  I dunno but, I ain’t getting in the middle of it.

Billy Idol:  Hey, what the hell is that?  (pointing to 3 short yellow beings wearing blue overalls and safety goggles.

Inspector Gadget:  Those are Minions.  Those little guys work their butts off, uh if they have butts.

John Rambo:  Them little yellow guys look like they come from some Banana Republic.

Inspector Gadget:  Take it easy Rambo.  I’ve never heard them say anything political.  Actually I’ve never heard them say anything I’ve understood but, look how cute they are.  Why they wouldn’t harm a fly.

Billy Idol:  They look drunk to me.

Agent 54:  Huh?

Another burst of psychotic, evil laughter comes from the Black Jack table.

The Joker:   Ho ho I’ve done it again.  Ha ha look!  An Ace and a Ten!

Flo from Progressive Insurance walks up to the table.

Flo:  What’s so funny?

John Rambo:   It’s Joker, he thinks he’s winning.

Flo:  Uh,,he does know that game is rigged,,doesn’t he?

Billy Idol:  Yeah right, you gonna tell him?

Rambo:  Send them yellow Onions to tell him.

Inspector Gadget:  That’s Minions.  The little yellow guys,, that is, I think they’re guys, are Minions.

Flo:  C’mon Billy let’s go.

As Billy Idol and Flo start to leave Agent 54 asks a stupid question.

Agent 54:  Hey, you guys cutting out early?

Billy Idol:  Yeah, we’re gonna hang out with Miley Cyrus tonight.

Agent 54:  Whoa, Miley Cyrus?  Dude use a condom.

Flo:  We will, got a new box in the limo.

10 seconds of stunned silence goes by before Flo speaks again.

Flo:  What?  You know that Miley goes both ways.

Billy Idol winks at us and leaves with his arm around Flo.  As they get out of the tent, John Rambo adds his words of wisdom.

John Rambo:  Hey! Don’t do anything I would,,or should,,uh,,,hey, don’t do anything!

Agent 54 looks at a Rambo with a  confused expression.

John Rambo:  Well, I don’t know what to say.

Agent 54:  I’m gonna go take a pony ride.

  Wow, I really had a lot of fun seeing my old friends away from the office and getting to know some of my new co-workers.  Now, I can’t wait for this year’s NSA under the DORD Christmas Party.  Happy Trails!

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Burgundy Campaign Visits Fenway Park

   Agent 54 here again.  I was reminiscing about the Boston Red Sox 2013 Championship season when Ron Burgundy visited Fenway Park during the playoffs with the Detroit Tigers.  Those were good times for Agent 54, a lifelong member of Red Sox Nation.  Take a look at my report from those happy days.

Scene:  A crowd of happy Red Sox fans, some dressed for Halloween, are gathered on Yawkey Way outside of Fenway Park in Boston.  Fox Sports has a set up for television interviews.  Various producers and helpers scurry about along with the Burgundy Campaign staff.

Buck Jackman:  Hello everyone, I’m Buck Jackman for Fox Sports.  It’s October Baseball. Welcome to Game 6 of the American League Championship Series between the Boston Red Sox and the Detroit Tigers coming to you later, live from Fenway Park.  I’m joined today by former Boston Red Sox World Champion, Kevin Millar and Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy.  Good to see you gentlemen.

Kevin Millar:  Great to be here, Buck.

Ron Burgundy:  A pleasure to be here.

Buck:  So the last time I saw the two of you together it was at the rodeo.

Kevin:  That’s right Buck, we were at the Redneck Olympics and this dang fool was in the ring with some of the meanest, nastiest, stinkiest bulls I ever seen.

Ron:  Oh yes, that was quite a bit of fun.  You know, I was really impressed by the professionalism of the rodeo clowns and the stinkyness of those bulls.  They really stink.

Kevin:  Heck ya they do.

Buck:  So the Red Sox lead the Tigers 3 games to 2 in this best of 7 series. Tonight’s pitching match-up has Clay Buchholz for the Red Sox against Max Scherzer for the Tigers.  Kevin who has the advantage here?

Kevin:  This series has been very hard fought and very close with 4 of 5 games being decided by only one run however, It’s hard to bet against these Sox at Fenway.

Crowd cheers like they haven’t had enough coffee yet.

Buck:  Ron, you are more of a casual Baseball fan.  Which team do you like?

Ron:  Well you know being Ron “Burgundy” I’m partial to the color red so Let’s Go Red Sox!

Crowd cheers more enthusiastically.

Woman shouts from the crowd:  Ron, your hair is a work of art.

Buck:  Ron these Red Sox are known as “The Bearded Warriors” because in spring training they bonded over the growing of their beards.  Did you ever consider growing your beard?

Ron:  That was a long time ago during a deep dark emotional period in my life.  I remember drinking milk in the hot San Diegan sun.  It was not a good choice.

Buck:  Kevin, you had many versions of a beard when you played.

Kevin Millar
Kevin:  Heck ya!  Every time I got in a slump, I had to do somthin so, I trimmed it or shaved it or made it a goatee beard, heck I even put a chicken bucket on my head because one of my “Idiot” teammates said it would help.

Buck:  Did it help?

Kevin:  Heck ya, I went 2 for 4 with a double the next day.

Ron:  You know I once fashioned a royal crown out of a chicken bucket and wore it on the campaign bus to…

Out of the side of his vision Ron sees The Only Wendy Shade making slashing motions to tell him to cut that story short.

Ron…well that’s a long story.  Buck, do you like fried chicken?

Buck:  Uh, well yes but, later I’ll be having a Fenway Frank as Fox Sports coverage of Game 6 of the ALCS continues after the break.

The interviews are over that the men shake hands and go their separate ways.  Ron Burgundy is walking through the crowd with The Only Wendy Shade and a couple of campaign volunteers.

Ron:   I thought that went particularly well, didn’t you?

Wendy:  Ron, don’t ever tell that chicken bucket story again.  I’m surprised that I have to tell you that.

Ron:  Well, in the moment it seemed to be the right thing to do.  

Wendy spots a woman coming towards Ron with a pair of scissors held by the blades (correctly) in her hand.   She points to the woman and screams…

Wendy:  SCISSORS!!!

Quick as flash, campaign volunteer Joe B. tackles the woman and takes the scissors from her hand.  He pops up to his feet again, dragging the dazed woman up by her collar.

Joe B.:  It’s okay!  I got the scissors.

Ron:  Great Caesar’s Ghost!

Wendy:  What the heck is going on here?

Woman without scissors:  I’m sorry Mr. Burgundy.  I’m just a really big fan of yours  and I wanted to ask you for a lock of your beautiful hair.

The small crowd that has gathered around them says “awwwwe” all at the same time.

Wendy:  OMG!,  Joe, let her go and give her back the haircutting scissors.

Ron:  I’m sorry darling.  I can assure you that we don’t tackle all our fans that way.  What’s your name?  

Woman:  Carol.  I’m a hairdresser from Pennsylvania and a really big Red Sox fan.  Let’s Go Red Sox!

The crowd cheers enthusiastically.

Ron:  Well my dear, if I gave a lock of my terrific hair to every fan who asked for one, I would be bald in a week.  How about this instead.  Ron takes Carol’s right hand and gently kisses it as though she were royalty.  Carol faints and falls into Joe B.’s arms.

Ron:  Joe, you better take that little lady to first aid station.

Joe B.:  You got it Mr. Burgundy.

The crowd applauds the Burgundy campaign.

As Ron and Wendy resume walking he has an observation.

Ron:  Great Odin’s Raven it’s been an exciting day.

Wendy:  A little too exciting for me, thank you.

Ron:  And we still have a great baseball game to enjoy.

Wendy:  Yeah great, just don’t let me miss the second inning stretch.

Ron:  That’s the Seventh inning stretch.

Wendy:  Not for me it’s not.  If you need me after the second inning I’ll be at the bar.

Well, we all remember that the Red Sox went on to win the World Series with help from Ron Burgundy that year.  The Sox are struggling this year.  We may need to call on Ron again, just to make the playoffs.

Let’s Go Red Sox!