Saturday, March 5, 2016

Goats

   I jumped out of  bed at 3am this morning in a minor frenzy because I felt compelled to tell the world my thoughts on Goats.


  I know what you and your friends from your local snark tank are thinking.  You’re thinking “goats?, who cares about goats?”.  Exactly!  Goats have a sneaky, nefarious and undue influence on mankind and most of  us aren’t even aware of  it.  It’s time to examine the mysteries and motives of  these barnyard “animals”.


The next time you are in a petting zoo, take a close look at a Goat.  You’ll see that their eyes are too far apart and they look like a shark’s eyes and they have horns.  Would you trust a person that looked like this?  Indeed Goats look like they were made by Lucifer and are certainly not one of God’s creations.  Why do they have horns anyway and what about Goat’s milk and Goat Cheese?  Don’t Cows already produce enough high quality dairy products?  Why is Goat Cheese more expensive and where does that extra revenue go?  Do these facts add up to some kind of sinister plot?  Let us continue the examination.

    In sports you can often become a “Goat” or a “Hero” in the course of one play in one game.   Bill Buckner of  the Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs is the perfect example of  this.  As you may know, Buckner was an All-star player at times in his long career but forever became a Goat to Red Sox Nation when he misplayed one crucial ground ball in the 1986 World Series.  Of course everyone knows the tale of  The Curse of Billy the Goat. It seems that the owner of  the Billy Goat Tavern in Chicago was kicked out of a Cubs game because the pet goat he brought was stinking up the joint.  Goat owner Billy Sianis cursed the Cubs and they have been a joke of Major League Baseball ever since.  Is it a coincidence that Bill Buckner once played for the Cubs?  I don’t think so.

    What about the Rolling Stones?  The Stones have always been accused of being under the influence of Satan.  Their Goat’s Head Soup album was inspired by that delicacy they experienced while recording in Jamaica.  Why?  Jamaica is an Island.  Why didn’t they eat fish or shrimp instead of Goat?  Why would anyone eat Goat?  Why indeed, the mystery deepens.


  What about Goat behavior?  Some people keep them because they are natural lawn mowers but, truth is they will eat almost anything.  Why do Goats scream like escaped lunatics for Insurance company TV commercials?  What are they telling us there?  Have you seen the You Tube videos showing “Goat Tipping”?  No, it’s not giving a tip to a bad waiter.  That’s “Donkey tipping”.  It’s actually easy for humans to startle Goats and cause them to faint and fall over on their side.  Goat Tipping is fun for the whole family and it’s much safer than cow tipping but, it makes me wonder what is the motivation behind this strange behavior?

  Most of us humans have been subconsciously influence by Goats and we don’t even realize it.  I myself have been sporting a Goatee beard and rooting for the Minnesota Vikings, because they have horns, since I was 8 years old.  I have even glued a pair of  horns to an Arizona Cardinals hat and taken my one and only selfie while wearing my horns.  What else but, overdue Goat influence could possibly explain this strangeness?  Is it some kind of bovine-human Conspiracy?

  Why did Jim Breuer play “Goat Boy” on TVs Saturday Night Live program?  That could be dismissed as just bad programming by a lousy network and a mediocre comedian,,,or was it,,,Goat influence?  You be the judge.

  In conclusion, I want you to think twice about what you’re doing before you buy a pigmy Goat for the kids or sit around a campfire at night making s’mores and telling Goat stories.  Ask yourself  why you chose to have a pet Goat?  What, aren’t Cats and Penguins cute enough?  What compelled you to make that decision?  Is there something sinister going on between Goats and the Human Race?  I say, stay vigilant my friends and never ever ever trust a Goat.




Saturday, February 27, 2016

Bernie and the Jets

  Agent 54 here again.  Today I heard another of  Blitzed Wolfer’s great interviews.   It was with Bernie Sanders and his band “The Jets”.   They were warming up for an evening show in a small auditorium on a small college campus.  Here’s my report.

Scene:  Small stage in a small auditorium on a small college campus.  A band is tuning and setting up their equipment.  The keyboard player is none other than Bernie Sanders who is actually still in a Presidential Primary race.  Blitzed Wolfer and his film crew approach Candidate Sanders with the microphone and a camera.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Hi ya, Bernie.

Bernie Sanders:  Well, if it isn’t my old friend Mr. Wolfer.  How ya been you old dog?

Blitzed:  Fine, so tell me, how’s the band sounding?

Bernie:  Well, they try hard but, they ain’t The Beatles and I’m no John  Lennon, I’ll tell ya that.

Blitzed:  Isn’t that Billy-Bob Jones who used to play with the Allman Brothers in the 70s, playing bass for you?

Bernie:  Nah, that’s Bobby Smith who played with the Almond Brothers or some other nuttballs a long time ago.  I dunno, who can remember?

Blitzed:  So, are you here just to get away from the stress of the campaign trail for a while?

Bernie:  Yeah, and ya know, I gotta pay the bills too.

Blitzed:  Yes, I was going to ask you about that.  I heard the ticket price for this little event was $250.00.  Isn’t that a little steep for a band that is “not The Beatles”?

Bernie:  Steep- Schmeep!  What, don’t I have a right to earn a decent living?

Blitzed:  Well, of course you do but, you know you are the one always preaching about how everything should be free for everybody.  Isn’t there some hypocrisy in charging such a high price to these kids here who will be struggling to pay their student loans?

Bernie:  Hippo – Schmippo!  These kids coming here tonight represent the 1% that can come out to our show.  Let’s just consider the 250 clams a Tax on the rich.  They have to pay their fair share so the other kids don’t have to hear how bad we really are.

Blitzed:  But, what if the 1% kids decide they want to go to the show down the street that is charging $25.00 to hear a much better band?

Bernie:  Then we’ll throw those bastards in jail!

Blitzed:  Uh, that makes no sense.  If you jail the kids for not seeing your show, they can’t go to either show and both bands go broke.

Bernie:  Broke-Schmoke!  We’ll throw them in jail and make them pay a $500.00 fine to the Government and then the Government can pay my band to perform in the jail and everybody is happy.

Blitzed:  Happy-Schmappy!  What about the innocent American kids you jailed and forced to hear your band?

Bernie:  To hell with them.  They shouldn’t have been in the 1%.

Blitzed:  Uh, yeah, uh, well, I gotta go now. (under his breath and to his film crew) let’s get the heck out of here.  The Crazy is getting a little deep in here.

Bernie:  Okay, I’ll see you later for the show and don’t forget your $250 bucks and that goes for your crew too.


Wow!  I guess we learned something about Socialist Economic Policy or Economic Socialist Policy or maybe just plain old Insanity.

What do you think?

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Brotherly Love


Ronald
  Agent 54 here again.  I got to listen in on a phone call between two famous brothers.  The big brother Ronald, is a highly successful entrepreneur in the restaurant industry.  The little brother Norm, is an actor – comedian.  Here’s my report on what the McDonald brothers were talking about.  

Norm:  Yello!,  Norm here.

Ronald:  Hey little brother.  How are you?

Norm:  Hey Ron, I’m good.  What’s up?

Ronald:  Well, I’ve seen your TV adds where you dress up as Colonel Sanders for KFC.  I still can’t get my red head around the fact that you’re working to promote one of my biggest competitors.  I mean, really?

Norm:  Hey, it’s work.  You know I was having a hard time getting gigs in this country.  What the heck!  You can’t blame me for wanting to make a buck, for cripes sake.

Norm
Ronald:  Oh, com’on  little bro.  I mean, you know I offered you The Hamburgler role.  We could have been working together.

Norm:  The Hamburgler!  Are you serious?  I’m 6’1” tall, for cryin out loud.  I can’t play a mumbling midget criminal in a mask!  I mean that would have been the final nail in the coffin of my career, for freakin sure.

Ronald:  Don’t call him a midget.  The Hamburgler is a little person.

Norm:  Whatever!  I mean, If I played him we both could end up waiting tables and sleepin on the beach in Costa Rica.

Ronald:  Oh com’on.  You’re exaggerating and besides, there’s nothing wrong with waiting tables.  Customer service is a noble endeavor.

Col. Sanders
Norm:  Who are you to judge me anyway?  I mean, you sit there in your McMansion eating French fries all day long and you never gain any weight.  How the heck is that even possible, for the love of secret sauce?

Ronald:  Hey, I work out!

Norm:  Listen Ronny, the folks at KFC pay me good and they think I’m funny so get off my back.  I mean, you had your chance to throw me a bone or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and you blew it. 

Ronald:  But, what will Mom think?  Two brothers working directly against each other.  It’s just not right.

Norm:  Mom will be proud when she sees my paycheck.  Besides, you’re doing great without me.  You don’t need me.  What’s this really all about?


Ronald:  Don’t you know?  It’s all about family.  You’re my little brother.  I miss you and I care about you.  Listen, let’s get together this weekend and do lunch at Mom’s house.  She misses you too.

Norm:  Uh, yeah, I guess.  Yeah, I’ll come.  Should I bring a something to eat?  Extra Crispy?

Ronald:  (sarcastically) Yeah, Ha ha.  You always thought you were the funny one.



Well, I hope these two can patch things up for the family’s sake.

Call your Mom.



Saturday, February 6, 2016

Agent 54’s Night at the Improv


  In 2011 when I was on vacation in Lake Tahoe, a young comedian named Kyle Cease called Agent 54 up on the stage at the Improv, to help him with his act.  I was able to help him get a few laughs and so started my comedy career.  So far, I haven’t earned a dime in comedy but, maybe I’ve made a few people chuckle.
That’s fine with me.

  I’ve had the outline of a stand-up routine in my head for years now.  Finally I’m going to actually write it.  I know what you’re thinking.  Calm down, you just have to wait a little longer.  Okay, just a little longer now.  Okay here it is.

Announcer:  He’s here all the way from the NSA under the DORD, how about a big hand for Agent 54.

Audience:  Polite applause.

Agent 54:  Hi everyone, I know you’re doing great or they wouldn’t let you in here tonight.  I’m Agent 54 and this is my first time on stage in front of people and,,(Agent 54 freezes in terror clutching the mic with both hands and wearing a bug-eyed stare of terror straight out into the audience for about 3 seconds.)

Agent 54:  (Snapping back into his slick and confident comedian mode)  Hey, but really, I’ve got nothing to be worried about.  There’s only two ways this can go.  Either I knock you dead and we all have a good time and the owner is happy and he invites me back and a Hollywood agent sees me and I sign a big movie deal and become a rich and famous comedian with a great big expensive car and a mansion with a pool full of Hollywood Starlets or it’s back to Friday nights sitting on the couch watching re-runs of Saved By the Bell.  I can’t lose! 

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  (Looking at one particular audience member in the front row.)  I know, you wish you were me, don’t you?  (Agent 54 gives the audience a wink.)

Agent 54:  So, have any of you noticed that I’m bald?  Yes, it’s true.  Fact, I have more hair on my face than my head.  I like being bald.  It forces you to have a sense of humor.

Heckler from the Audience:  You Stink!

Agent 54:  (To the Heckler) Thanks Dad.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Everyone, how about a hand for my Dad.

Heckler:  I’m not your dad and you stink!

Agent 54:  Isn’t he great.  He’s always been my biggest supporter.  (To the Heckler) Thanks for coming out tonight.  Kiss Mom for me.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  So, you know how people are always saying "I take one day at a time"? Not me.  I take 2 days at a time.  That's why I look so young at age 56.

Audience:  Moderate Laughs.

Agent 54:  That was a math joke.  It's okay if you don't get it.  

Audience:  Moderate Laughs.

Agent 54:  So, any Liars here tonight?  Everybody lies.  Raise your hand if you occasionally tell a lie. Okay, I’m going to count, 1,2,3 okay 27.   Wait a minute.  Not everybody raised their hand.  You Pinocchio’s are lying about lying.  I can see noses growing from here.    Hey!, Sir, that’s not a nose.  Oye, Put that away.  This is a family show.  

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  America loves lies.  I say as an American, Lie Big or go home.  In my 20s I found myself at a party at friend’s apartment.  Trying to impress a half drunk young party girl and knowing my buddy would back me up on any lie I cared to tell, I took the little honey to my friend’s fish tank.  “See those fish?” I asked her.  “I caught them, with my bare hands!  She was pretty impressed, that is until my buddy came over.  He just had to top me.  “See that seaweed?” he asked the drunken cutie.  “I got it from the bottom of a frozen lake, on Mars!”  Wow! My buddy was claiming to have proof of extra-terrestrial life in his fish tank.  What a great lie!

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Well, that little drunkie was no Rocket Surgeon, so guess who got the girl that night.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Oh boy, I’m getting the signal to wrap it up so the next guy can come out here.   I don’t know what the rush is.  He’s nowhere near as funny as me.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Thanks for buying a ticket, Goodnight!



Well, Whadda ya think?  Was it worth the wait?


Sunday, January 24, 2016

After OZ

CL
  Agent 54 here again.  I got to listen in on another of  Blitzed Wolfer’s interviews this week.  Blitzed flew out to Arizona to find The Scarecrow, The Tinman and The Cowardly Lion, who are still good buddies after all these years.  Let’s catch up with our old friends.

Blitzed:  Hello again, this is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN and I’m here in Chandler, Arizona at the location of  the CLTMSC Security LLC company.  I’m here to find out how our old buddies from The Wizard of OZ are doing.  Let’s go inside.

Scene:  Inside it looks like a typical Bail Bondsman’s office with wanted posters and a general law enforcement theme.  The Cowardly Lion greets Blitzed.

Cowardly Lion:  Hi, how ya doin? 

Blitzed:  Hello Mr. Lion.  We spoke on the phone about the interview.

Cowardly Lion:  Of course we did.  C’mon in.  Make yourself comfortable.  Ya know, you can call me CL.

Blitzed: Thank you CL.  So, where are the other guys?

CL:  Oh, TM, uh, that’s the Tinman, he’s out collecting a bail jumper.  Ya know the Tinman always gets his man, ah ha ha.

TM
Blitzed:  Ha ha, that’s clever…and The Scarecrow?

CL:  Oh, he’s in the back office, numbers crunching as usual.

Blitzed:  So you guys all work here?

CL:  Yeah, we created this business together.  I’m the front lion and I manage and train our security guard employees.  Ya know, since I found my courage, I’ve really gotten good at this self-defense type stuff. 

Blitzed:  I see, it looks like you’re doing well here.  Why did the three of you come to Arizona?

Cl:  Oh, well, ya know, after that whole Wicked Witch of the West fiasco, we had to get the heck out of The Emerald City in a hurry! 

Blitzed:  Really?  I thought you guys were big heroes there.  What happened?

CL:  Oh yeah, the people loved us and I was elected King of the Forrest and all but, then the lawsuits started.  That darned WWW has about 50 cousins and half of them are lawyers.  I ain’t scared a nuttin no more except lawyers.  Damn lawyers!

Blitzed:  I don’t blame you.  So, do you ever hear from Dorothy?
SC

The Tinman comes through the front door, without his man.

CL:  TM!  Where’s your guy?

TM:  Sorry CL, I found him but, you know he has a family and he has to work the night shift to earn the money to pay for day care for the kids and…

CL:  (cutting of TM) Ya let him go again.

TM: Sorry CL.

Blitzed:  Does this happen often?

CL:  Too often!  TM, how many times have I told you?  Ya have to control that over-sized heart of yours.  SC is going to have a fit!

The Scarecrow comes out of the back room wearing a green account’s visor, pencil behind his ear and holding a financial ledger in his arms.  He looks up over his reading glasses.

BW
SC:  Tinman!  Your back.  Where is he?

CL:  Don’t ask.

TM:  Sorry SC.

SC:  (angrily)  I don’t believe it.  Now how do you expect me to pay for your annual rust proofing?  Honestly, you give migraines and I don’t even have a brain.

The Tinman starts to weep.

CL:  (handing TM a tissue)  Cut it out.  It’ll be okay. 

SC:  Incredible!

The Scarecrow rushes back into his office and slams the door behind him.

CL:  Take it easy TM.  You know SC is a worrier.  It will all be okay.

TM:  I dunno, he looked pretty mad.  You know, I think he still resents me for insisting we come to Arizona.

CL:  Nonsense!  He knows that if we stayed in Kansas, you would have rusted to death by now and he’d still be out standing in a field.

Blitzed:  Pardon me for interrupting but, is this business in trouble?

CL:  Well, in this “Obama Recovery” nobody is doing great but, we’ll get by.  Hey, thanks for coming out Blitzed and tell all your friends to call CLTMSC Security LLC for all their security needs.

Blitzed:  Thank you CL.  Well that raps it up.  This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN from Chandler, Arizona saying “thanks for watching”.  



Holly flying monkeys!  I had no idea those guys were in Arizona.  Stay tuned to Agent 54 to see who Blitzed Wolfer interviews next.


Sunday, January 17, 2016

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. III

  Agent 54 here again.   I’m very uh, happy and somewhat surprised to bring you the third episode of Blitzed Wolfer’s new interview series, The Warrior’s Studio.  As you may have noticed, it’s not going real well yet but, Blitzed Wolfer is hoping it’s just the learning curve.  Here’s my latest report from the (CAN) Cable Ass Network studio.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Welcome everyone to the third episode of The Warrior’s Studio.  I’m Blitzed Wolfer and today’s guest is AJ “Buckethead” Smith who has worked as a Radioman on several Rebel Alliance ships.

Audience:  Polite applause for “Buckethead”.

Buckethead:  Thanks Blitzed but, I’m not a Radioman.  I’m a Level 3 Communications Expert.  On the ship were referred to as Commie 3s.

Blitzed:  Oh, Commie 3s?  Why don’t you then wear a Red helmet?  (chuckling).

Buckethead:  Uh, I hope this is not supposed to be a comedy show.

Blitzed:  No, I apologize, I don’t know what’s gotten in to me.  Please tell me what ship are you currently serving on? 

Bob
Buckethead:  Yeah, I’ve worked my way up to the MC80 Home One Type Star Cruiser named “Bob”.

Blitzed:  Bob?

Buckethead:  Affirmative.  Bob is so big that I don’t think they’re even done building it yet.  It has as many people on it as a small moon.

Blitzed:  But, why Bob?  Who was Bob?

Buckethead:  Bob was probably a guy named Robert. 

Blitzed:  That would make sense.  Let’s move on.  Tell me why you’re still wearing that magnificent helmet with the antennae even though you’re off duty.

Buckethead:  It is magnificent isn’t it.  Really puts the Bucket in ole “Buckethead”.  I just love wearing it.  In fact I don’t ever take it off.

Blitzed:  Never?

Buckethead:  Nah, with all the great electronic scanning devices build in, I can listen to anything in the Universe with this hat on.

Blitzed:  Anything?  What do you like to listen to?

Buckethead:  Cubs games.  Let’s go Cubbies!

Blitzed:  You mean the Chicago Cubs?  Aren’t they the baseball team that hasn’t won in over a 100 years.

Buckethead:  Back off there Blitzed!  They’re my favorite and besides, any team can have a bad Century or so.

Blitzed:  Okay but, you never take that helmet off?  I mean, don’t you have to wash it?  Wouldn’t you like to shampoo your hair?

Buckethead:  How do you know I have any hair?

Blitzed:  But, just for hygiene purposes, I mean your face is looking a little green and your eyes are kinda red.

Buckethead:  Yeah, well I just thought I’d smoke a doobie to relax before coming in here.  Hey don’t you want to know more about my job as a Warrior for the Rebel Alliance?

Blitzed:  In a minute but, I think my audience would like to see you without the helmet.

Buckethead:  Yeah, well too bad.  The helmet stays on.

Blitzed: (turning to the audience)  Don’t you want to see “Buckethead” without his bucket?

Audience:  (the half that are still awake, kinda moan and groan)  Mmmfm.

Buckethead:  Blitzed, let me guess, you’re not the ratings leader in this time slot, are you?

Blitzed:  Uh, no, far from it.  So, what exactly do you do aboard “Bob”?

Buckethead:  Okay, now we’re getting back on track.  I listen to the non-coded communications of the people on the ships of the Empire.

Blitzed:  Non-coded messages?  Don’t you listen to secret communications? 

Buckethead:  Nah, that’s what the Commie 5s and above do.

Blitzed:  So, what does the enemy say in their “non-coded” messages?

Buckethead:  Well, they mostly order a lot of Pizzas. A lot of Pizzas. Sometimes they switch it up and call Jimmy John’s but, most of the time, Pizzas.

Blitzed:  Fascinating, so what have you learned about the Empire by listening to them?

Buckethead:  The Empire loves Pepperoni.

Blitzed:  Amazing.  What else do they talk about?

Buckethead:  Sports betting.  A lot of them bet against the Cubs.  I hate those rich bastards.

Blitzed:  Yes, don’t we all.  Well, that’s all the time we have on The Warrior’s Studio for today.  Join us next week for another inside look at our Intergalactic Warriors.

Wow!  That was the best of the series so far.  I guess we might have figured that the Empire was fueled by Pepperoni.



To Cubs fans everywhere, may the force be with you. 

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Smelly Pirate Hookers II

    Agent 54 here again. Just weeks before the Primary Election season begins, we have another update on the smelly Pirate hooker scandal that has been plaguing the Ron Burgundy Presidential Campaign from the start.

Blitzed: This is Blitzed Wolfer reporting from the 2016 Presidential campaign trail for CAN. We have Democrat Congressman Cam Brady here today to discuss the  smelly Pirate hooker scandal that is shaking the national campaign of Candidate Ron Burgundy. Congressman, you are from North Carolina a state that is famous for Pirates. Do you in fact know any smelly Pirates?

Cam Brady: Thank you for having me here Blitz. North,,,

Blitzed: (cutting him off) It’s Blitzed, my name is Blitzed.

Cam: Blintzed? Blipzed? Blitzed, Blitzed, is that it?

Blitzed: That’s it, how many Pirates do you know?

Cam: In North Carolina we are very proud of our East Carolina University Pirates and their football team. I know that sometimes after games or practices when they work-up a good sweat they can become temporarily “aromatically challenged” however, that is nothing that a hot shower and a splash of Sex Panther cologne won’t fix in a jiffy. I believe calling them “smelly Pirates” is, is irresponsible and uncalled for and also, Ron Burgundy is a fine man and his hair is a work of art.

Blitzed: Let’s get back to the question. The people want to know, how many smelly Pirates do you know?

Cam: I know many fine men, are some of them Pirates? Who is to say? You know it turns my stomach to hear fine men smeared with terms like “smelly” and “Pirates”. If the other side of the aisle wants to engage in that kind of politics, well then, let them. I however, will NOT stoop to their stinky level.

Blitzed: Congressman!  Do you or don’t you know smelly Pirates?

Cam: In this great land we are free to pursue happiness in our own way. Standing on the deck of a Pirate ship is as American as well, as the Nina, Pita and the Santa Maria.

Blitzed: Okay, one more time, I’m looking for a number here, Cam boy. What about the smelly Pirates?

Cam: You know in America we have always had the right to….

Blitzed: (cutting Cam off) Okay, that’s it, it’s a wrap. Let’s get the hell outta here. Maybe if we hurry we can catch Nancy Pelosi coming from her psychiatrists office for a comment.

(While the crew is furiously shutting down and packing up)

Cam: Uh, okay, are we done?,,,,,,we’re done?,,,,,okay well thank you Blintzed and thank you America.  Are we off? We’re off? Because I have to get a haircut,,,,,,so I’ll just go then,,,,I’m going now,,,I’m gone,,,,I could come back,,,,no? Okay.


 Wow! We literally learned nothing there.  Will smelly pirate hookers continue to plague the Burgundy campaign?  What does Donald Trump think about smelly pirate hookers?  Was Hillary Clinton ever a smelly pirate hooker?  Stay tuned to Agent 54 as I reveal, uh, stuff I think I might know.