Sunday, May 24, 2015

Yabba Dabba Do!

  Agent 54 here again.  You probably figured that the NSA has most bars and taverns bugged and we do.  We watched and listened in on Archie Bunker's Place, a neighborhood tavern in Astoria, Queens NY and found some interesting business was occurring between T.V. Stars Fred Flintstone and Ed Norton from the old Honeymooners show that ran in the 50s.  Check it out:

Ed Norton:  Hey, there he is, Fred Flintstone in the flesh. It’s a great honor to meet up wit you.

Fred Flintstone:  Ed Norton you’re just the man I want to see.  Sit down, sit down.  Can I buy ya a beer?  Hey bartender, two Rolling Rocks on the double.

Ed:  Why thank ya there Freddy boy.  So, what’s the occasion?

Fred:  Well, ya probably heard that Barney and me, well, we’re on the outs.

Ed:  Naw!

Fred Flintstone
Fred:  Yup, it’s true, Barney wants to be on his own, the big star, the top banana, the cream del a crop…

Ed:  The cat’s meow.

Fred:  Exactly, he says I’m holding him down.

Ed:  Gee, that’s too bad Fred, good second fiddles don’t grow on no trees ya know.

Fred:  That’s why I wanted to talk to you.  You did such a great job as Ralph’s sidekick.  Why, it seemed like just a natural fit.  Whadda ya say?  Wanna be my second fiddle?

Ed:  Gee, I dunno there Freddy boy, I mean It’s been a long time since I done any fiddling around ya know.  Me and Ralphy boy were together a lot a years.  I gotta do some thinkin on it before I make a decision with this kind of monumentalness to it.

Alf: (from a dark corner of the bar and slurring his speech)  Don’t do it Eddd (burp) Once he’s got his hooks…..(burp)

Archie Bunker:  (bartender to Alf)   Hey why don’t you just stifle yourself over
there, eh!  (to Fred and Ed)  Here’s your beers boys.  Don’t pay no nevermind to that furry drunk in the corner.  He’s just down cuz he can’t find no woik.

Fred:  Thanks Arch,  Ed you’ll love Bedrock.  I’ll get you a job in the quarry, oh you’ll love workin in the quarry.

Ed:  Yah, well coming from the NYC sewer system the quarry would be a step up.

Fred:  Hey, well go bowlin ever Saturday night and you'll join the Loyal Order of Water Buffalo Lodge No. 26 and be my lodge brother, oh well have a gay ole time.

Ed:  Well, ya make it all sound rather inviting but, one thing, Betty, I mean how’s that gonna woik out.

Fred:  Don’t worry about a thing, I already talked to Betty and you’re in like Flynn. (winking)

Ed:  Ya, ya sure, wow! Boy it’ll be great to get back to woik.  I’ve been so bored I was about to go nutz.

Fred:  It will be great!  We’ll go down as one of the great comedy duets like Laurel & Hardy, Abbot and Costello….

Ed Norton
Ed: (interrupting) Nixon & Agnew

Alf:  Cagney & Lacey (burp)

Fred:  (Angrily)  Why don’t you shut up you intergalactic drunken bum!  (turning to Ed) Ed, whadda ya say?  Are we a team or are we a team?

Ed:  Whadda I say, whadda I say, I say we are a team there Freddy boy, a team from now on! (reaching out hands and shaking on it)


Fred and Ed walked out arms around each other like two true buddies as Alf passes out on the floor.  

Wow!  We witnessed comedy history.  I can’t wait to watch the new adventures of Fred & Ed.  

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Burgundy Campaign Deep in the Heart of Texas

  Agent 54 here again.  We caught up with Ron on the Campaign bus, heading to the Double Tex Ranch somewhere deep in the heart of Texas where Ron has an appointment with a VIP campaign donor.   Campaign Manager, The Only Wendy Shade is going over the campaign plans as they pull into the ranch driveway.  A huge Ranch house can be see way down the driveway.

Ron:  Whoa!  This place is huge.

Wendy:  Focus Ron, now we’re going to drop you off and head into town to meet with the locals.

Ron:  What town?

Wendy:  Tim, what was that town on the map?

Tim:  Buffalo Gap.

Wendy:  Buffalo Gap!  Well, I hope there are more people there than Buffaloes.  Ron, now this guy you’re gonna meet is a really big shot and he wanted to have you stay overnight so he could get to know you.  You know what to do?

Ron:  Yes, kiss his butt early and often.

Wendy:  That’s right!  Kiss it upside down and sideways too, if you get the chance.  We’ll be back around lunch time tomorrow to pick you up and you better have a big check with you.

Ron:  I’ve got it.  What’s the old saying?  The bigger the butt the better the check or better the kiss the bigger the butt or,,,

Wendy:  (interrupting)  Ron! Focus!  This is no time to fool around.  You have to impress this guy if we’re gonna win this state.

 The bus stops in front of Ranch house and Ron hops out and approaches the large  front door.  As Ron steps onto the porch, the door opens and a butler speaks.

Ron Burgundy
Butler:  Mr. Burgundy?

Ron:  That’s me.

Butler:  He’s waiting for you in the trophy room.  This way please.

  The butler leads Ron down a long hallway decorated by large oil paintings of generations of family.  At the end of the hall is a set of large oaken double doors with cowboys on horseback, charging hard, carved into them.  The butler opens the doors to a room the size of a Wal-Mart Super Store with 8 fireplaces and more different species of animals than you’ll find at the San Diego Zoo.  The animals are all very dead, beautifully stuffed and mounted.  The butler announces Ron as a very large man dressed in Cowboy boots, camouflage trousers, a buck skin hunting vest and a 10 gallon hat approaches.

Butler:  Ron Burgundy sir.      
Tex:  C’mon in here boy, Tex McTexson’s the name.  Nice to meet ya.  You don’t mind if I call ya boy, do ya boy?

The two men shake hands.  Tex makes Ron look like an elf in comparison.

Ron:  Ron, boy, either one will do.  Wow wee!  Did you shoot all these critters?

Tex:  Nah, my great granddaddy Tex started this collection.  My granddad Tex Son added to it.  Many of the animals that were shot were shot by my dad, Tex Texson  In this quarter of the room you got my personal Tex McTexson collection.  I only shot a few of these animals.

Ron:  Really, did the others have heart attacks or something?

Tex:  That’s funny boy!  I like you already. (slaps Ron on the back nearly knocking him over) Nah, I’ve been practicing new and different ways of hunting.  My new favorite way of taking an animal is by sneaking up on them and using a piece of piano wire strung through two blocks of wood, strangling them to death.  I saw that in one of them Godfather movies and thought I’d give it a try.

Ron:  There’s a Giraffe.

Tex:  Yeah, that was a tough SOB.  You ever try to shimmy up a Giraffe’s neck when he don’t want you there?   Boy, that was fun.

Ron:  So what’s the plan for us?  Could it possibly be “movie night”?

Tex:  Movie night!  Boy, you crack me up.  Hell no!  Being that you’re my guest, I’m gonna let you shoot a Whitetail Deer on my ranch.  Now tell me boy, have you ever killed anything bigger than a center city cockroach before?

Ron:  Well, a bird flew into the grill of my car.

Tex:  Uh huh, was it a Red Tailed Hawk by chance?

Ron:  Uh, I think it was a Finch or a Chickadee.

Tex:  Okay boy, I see we got some work to do so let’s head out to the shootin range for some practice and then we’ll go get an Indian.

Ron:  We’re not going to hunt Indians are we?

Tex:  Nah, we don’t do that no more.  We need an Indian to help track the deer.  Now hurry up boy, we got to get you outfitted with some gear and pick a horse for you and,,,

Ron:  (interrupting) We’re going by horseback?

Tex:  Hell ya.  Wada ya think you can take a bus to where the dear hangout.

Ron:  I just assumed we’d be walking.

Tex:  Walking?  On this ranch?  Do you know how many acres we got here?  Hell, I’m not even sure numbers go that high.

Ron:  Well, I don’t have much experience on a real horse.

Tex:  Don’t worry boy, the horse has experience.  Now let’s git goin.  We’re burnin daylight.

Tex leads Ron out the back door to the tackle area.  We catch up with them again as they are on horseback and heading up to a trailer home  on the ranch.  A man in hunting attire comes out of the trailer as Ron and Tex approach.

Tex:  Hey Irv, ya ready to go get a deer.

Irv:   What’s the hurry?  The deer will be there tomorrow.  Hey, who’s the city slicker?

Tex:  This here is Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy and he’s gonna shoot his first deer today or tonight.  Ron, this is my faithful ole Indian tracker Irv Lewinsky.

Ron:  Irv?  Your name is Irv Lewinsky.  That doesn’t sound like an Indian name.

Irv:  Wada you know from Indians?  Bigshot city boy, phewy!  The only Indians you probably know are from Cleveland, right Mr. Bigshot?

Tex:  C’mon now Irv.  He’s our guest and we have a lot to teach him in one day so let’s get along and let’s get going.

Irv:  Alright, alright already.  Let me use the toilet once more before we leave.

Ron:  Uh, I apologize Irv.  I guess I haven’t ever met a real Indian guide before.

Irv:  Yeah, okay fine. (under his breath)  Oy Vey, I must be a mashugana person for doing this.

Scene:  It’s the next day at lunch time and the Campaign bus has stopped at the entrance to the Double Tex Ranch somewhere deep in the heart of Texas where Ron Burgundy stands wearing a thousand yard stare on his face.  His suit jacket is folded over his left arm.  He’s wearing a buck skin hunting vest.  He has his necktie tied around his head like an Indian headband with a feather from a Red Tailed Hawk in it.  His warrior face paint complete his ensemble.  Wendy calls to him from the bus.

Wendy:  Hey Tarzan!  You look different.

Ron confidently strides toward and onto the bus, taking his usual seat upfront.

Ron:  Call me Red Suit.

Wendy:  Uh, okay,  Red Suit, did you have fun?

Ron:  I tracked, shot and killed a deer.  Then I gutted the dear, skinned it, butchered it, cooked it and ate deer and beans all night around the campfire as my new blood brothers told tall tales of cattle drives, outlaws and shootouts.  We ate, drank, burped and farted without apologies, like real men of the old west.

Wendy:  Okay then.  Where’d you get the buck skin hunting vest?   
Ron:  I made it from the deer I shot.

Wendy:  Alrighty then, uh, how about the check?

Ron pulls an envelope from his jacket pocket and silently hands it to Wendy.  She opens it and her jaw drops.

Wendy:  Holy Cow!  I’ve never seen so many zeros on a check.  With a check this big we could win Texas, Oklahoma and Arkansas.  You must have really impressed Tex.  
Great job Ron!


As Ron sleeps in his seat and dreams of his awesome night and his newly invigorated manhood, the Campaign bus rolls on down the dusty campaign trail.

Happy Trails

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Burgundy Campaign in Santa Monica

  Agent 54 here again.  We’ve been following the Ron Burgundy Presidential campaign closely and we expect a statement from the candidate soon.  Right now we are still trying to figure out what Blintzed uh, Blitzed Wolfer is up to at CAN (Cable Ass Network)

Blitzed Wolfer:  This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN on the campaign trail again.  Today we are on the Santa Monica  pier to ask people what they think of the smelly Pirate hooker scandal that has stained the Ron Burgundy campaign for President.

Blitzed:  Let’s ask a fisherman what he thinks.  Sir, Sir, what do you think of smelly Pirates?

Sound Guy:   Uh, dude I’m your sound man.  This, this ain’t a fishin pole, it’s boom mic.

Blitzed:  And so it is.  (under his breath) get the hell outta here you knucklehead.

Blitzed: (to a real fisherman)   Sir, can I ask you about smelly Pirates and hookers.

As he turns around we see the fisherman is Jack Nicholson.

Jack Nicholson:  Yeah, I’ll talk about hookers, I like mine with nothing on em.  Heh, heh, nicht, nicht (scary laughter).

Blitzed:  Oh, It’s Mr. Jack Nicholson of motion picture fame.  Jack, I’m Blitzed Wolfer with CAN. What are you doing here?

Jack Nicholson:  Blitzed?  That’s your name?  Blitzed?  What, were you conceived during a football game?  Heh, heh, nicht, nicht (scary laughter).   What the hell do ya think I’m doin here, I’m fishin.

Blitzed:  Oh, catching your supper, huh?

Jack Nicholson:  Not really.  See I enjoy fishin my own way.  See I catch the fish and then I cut the fins off them on the right side only .  Then I throw them back and watch as the crabs try to eat them while they swim around in circles.  It’s great fun,,,for the crabs Heh, heh, nicht, nicht (scary laughter).

Blitzed: (appalled)  Well, uh, actually, uh we, that is, America wants to know what you think about the Ron Burgundy smelly Pirate hooker scandal.

Jack Nicholson:  So, Ron Burgundy is running for President, ya don’t say.  Well, Ron and I go way back.  You know, sometimes he joins me courtside for Laker games and his hair is always a work of art.

Blitzed:  Yes, we know it is but, what about the smelly Pirate hookers?

Jack Nicholson:  Well, I wouldn’t know anything about that and if I were you I wouldn’t be repeating that around town too much if you know what I mean.  I mean, it might not be too healthy for a guy to be making certain insinuations against Ron Burgundy who happens to be a friend of mine.  Ya know what I mean, Do ya?

Blitzed: (swallowing hard before he speaks)  Yes, yes sir Mr. Nicholson.

Blintzed uh, Blitzed to the camera:  Thank you and that’s all from the Santa Monica pier.   This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN.  (to the crew under his breath)  Let’s get the hell outta here, like now. 

Jack Nicholson:  (Shouting down the pier as Blitzed and crew hurry away)  Nice to see ya.  Hurry back JACKASS!

   Ron Burgundy is very fortunate to have good friends like Jack Nicholson to watch his back.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

The Redneck Olympics

  Agent 54 here again.  I’m really excited to bring you updates from the Ron Burgundy Presidential Campaign especially since he’s teamed up with Old Spice to clean up Washington D.C.  Finally we have a really different candidate to shake things up.  We caught up with Ron, Blitzed Wolfer and a special guest in the Rodeo arena at the Missouri State Fair.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Hello again everyone this is Blitzed Wolfer on the campaign trail for CAN the Cable Ass Network at the Missouri State Fair and we are in the Rodeo arena waiting for Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy to join us.  I have with me former Boston Red Sox World Champion first baseman Kevin Miller who is a currently working on MLB network.  Hello Kevin, how are you?

Kevin Millar:  It’s Mill-ar there Blitzed, not Miller.  You know like Mill and then ARRRRRH like a pirate and not none of them smelly Pirate hookers either, no a cool Pirate like that Captain Morgan or Blackbeard.

Blitzed:  Mill-aaar.  Thank you.  Ron Burgundy promised to meet us here at this time.  I’ve seen some of his people handing out campaign materials but, no Ron so far.  Kevin, are you excited to meet Ron Burgundy?

Kevin:  Yeah sure, I heard some things about this boy runnin for President.  I like Old Spice and their crazy T.V. commercials.  I think they could make a good team.  Now Blitzed, is this your first time at the Redneck Olympics?  Cuz it looks like it.

Blitzed:  Excuse me, Redneck what?

Kevin:  The Redneck Olympics.  That’s what us Rednecks call the Rodeo.  This is your first Rodeo.  Boy, did you noticed anything about the way you’re dressed.

Blitzed:  Uh, I appear to be dressed app….

Kevin: (interrupting) Man, you’re the only one in this place with a tie on except some of the Rodeo clowns.  Man, take that thing off, loosen up, you’re embarrassin me.

Blitzed:  Well, I think I have….

Kevin Millar
Rodeo Announcer on the PA system:  Ladies and Gentlemen, Thank you for coming to the Rodeo at the Missouri State Fair.  (applause)  I would like to direct your attention to the center of the arena, you may recognize a special guest Rodeo clown.  Yes fans, it’s leading Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy in a Red White and Blue Rodeo Clown suit.  (big applause as Ron waves to the crowd)

Kevin:  Boy, how da ya like that.  That’s Ron Burgundy out there in a clown suit with make-up and everything,,, except no hat cuz his hair is a work of art, no doubt.

Blitzed:  Well, what a surprise.  You never know what Ron’s up to next.

Rodeo Announcer:  And here comes the bull.  Who wants to see a politician being chased by the bull rather than flinging the bull?  (crowd applauds and laughs) Here we go the bull is chasing Ron Burgundy and then another clown zips in between them and distracts the bull.

Kevin:  You see that teamwork there Blitzed.  These professional Rodeo clowns have the timing of a great double-play combination.  They distract the bull at the right time to keep each other and the bull riders from getting hurt.

Blitzed:  Yes they really move well out there and you can tell they have a plan.

Kevin:  Boy, you’re startin to get into the ole Redneck Olympics ain’t ya.  I’ll make a Redneck out of ya yet.
Candidate Ron Burgundy

Rodeo Announcer:  The bull is after Burgundy again.  Who wants to see Ron Burgundy get run down?  (raucous cheers of “no” and “yeah” and laughs as the crowd is really having fun).

 Rodeo Announcer:  Burgundy is down as the other clowns distract the bull.  Looks like Ron Burgundy slipped and went down in puddle of mud but, he’s up and waving to the crowd.  Ladies and Gentlemen how about a hand for Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy being a good sport.  (thunderous applause, whistles and cheers)

Kevin:  Man look at that clown suit.  Somebody’s gonna be up doin laundry all night tonight.

Blitzed:  Ron is heading this way. (as Ron approaches he’s a bit out of breath) Ron, how are you?

Ron:  Wow,,,that bull is fast,,,and mean,,,and ugly,,,and stinky.

Kevin:  Hey Ron this is Kevin Millar.  Yeah, people who watch on T.V. don’t understand them things smell bad.

Ron:  Good to meet you Kevin,,,Yeah,,,they stink.  Hey, I saw you win the World Series some years ago,,,didn’t I?  (someone opens a gate for Ron to walk out of the ring).

Kevin:  Guilty as charged.

Blitzed:  That looked like a lot of fun, Ron.

Ron:  Are you kidding?  I was terrified.  No, no actually I have all the confidence in the world because those are professional Rodeo clowns and they really know what they are doing.  This really was a blast.

Blitzed:  Why did you get into the ring with that bull?

Kevin:  Man, we ain’t in no studio.  This is how you ask that question.  Ron, what the heck possessed your mind to get you in the ring with a 2000 pound monster bull?

Ron:  Well Kevin, as you know, my campaign has teamed up with Old Spice and our goal is to clean up Washington politics.  I wanted to show the good people of Missouri that a politician could get down and do the hard, dirty work for them and then after I shower with Old Spice body wash, show them how I could make everything nice and clean again.

Kevin:  Well alright.  You know I always liked Old Spice so I think you got my vote.  

How about you Blitzed?

Blitzed:  Thank you very much for stopping by Ron.  I know you want to go get cleaned up so we’ll wrap this up now.

Ron:  I appreciate CAN and (turning and waving to the crowd) the great people of Missouri whoo hoo!. (great applause as Ron heads for the showers)

Blitzed:  Well, we certainly had an exciting evening here at the Missouri State Fair.  I’m Blitzed Wolfer with Kevin Millar on the campaign trail for CAN saying good night everyone.

Kevin:  (puts his arm around Blitzed as they walk off) Hey, let’s go get us a Captain Morgan.  What’s with your name anyway man?  What did daddy get really drunk that night or what?

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Aquaman's Poker Night

  Agent 54 here again.  Max (Agent 86) personally assigned me to this one.  We heard an interesting phone call and that lead us to stake out the docks and pier number 7 in particular.  Here’s what we got.

John:  Vicente’s Pizza, John speaking.  Can I take you order.

Aquaman:  Hi John.

John:  Hey, A-man, how ya doin?  Want the usual?

Aquaman:  Not tonight John.  I need 2 Aquaman Specials, extra anchovies and 2 large pepperoni and 2 Italian meatlovers pies delivered to pier 7.  You got that?

John:  You want all six large pies and say 6 one liter bottles of assorted sodas.  Poker night?

Aquaman:  Can’t fool you, John.

John:  Hey, I’m happy to cater your little affair.  Let’s say about 45 minutes for delivery.

Aquaman:  See ya then.

Scene:  Docked at Pier 7 is a submarine that is shaped to look something like a Blue Whale.  A submarine crew man stands by each end of the ship.  The hatch is open and Aquaman waits on the pier.   About 45 minutes after the phone call, John and his sons arrive.

Aquaman:  Hey guys, take that stuff in and put it on the counter in the galley.

When John and his sons come out of the sub, Aquaman hands John a $100 bill.

Aquaman:  Man your boys are growing like weeds.  Hey keep the change.

John:  Thanks a lot and good luck in the game?  

Aquaman:   Your pizza is my good luck charm.  Thank you.

Just after John and his sons depart the first “guest” arrives.

The Penguin:  Wa, wa  How are you my old friend?

Aquaman:  Ship shape, how have you been?

Penguin:  Busy, busy, planning and scheming, scheming and planning.

Aquaman:  Well, take it easy tonight.  Relax, go on board and pour yourself a drink.

Penguin:  Don’t mind if I do.  Don’t mind if I do my friend.

The Penguin boards as another player shows up.

Flipper:  Hey, Aquaman as I live and breathe, nice to see you again my man.

Aquaman:  Good to have you come aboard.  Where’s your buddy, Shamu?

Flipper:  He sends his apologies.  He’s still got another day of shooting on Sharknado IV.  

Aquaman:  Yeah, how’s that going?

Flipper:   I finished up today but, Shamu got a bigger part and I’ll tell you, it’s gone to his head,,,and his gut too. Ha ha ho

Aquaman:  Oye. 

Flipper boards the submarine and shortly thereafter another player comes striding up the dock in a beautiful black tuxedo.

Joe Pesci:  (Pesci is Italian for Fish) Hey Aquaman, is this your submarine or are you just happy to see me?

Aquaman:  C’mere and gimmie a hug ya gangster you.

The men hug and then Joe pretends to punch Aquaman in the gut.  They both laugh.

Joe:  Hey who’s here? 

Aquaman:  The Penguin is in there waiting for you.

Joe:  Oh my God, I love that guy.  Oh boy, you’re in trouble tonight when me and The Penguin get together.

Aquaman:  Go onboard and get a drink. 

Joe Pesci

Joe:  Don’t have to ask me twice.

Joe boards.  A strange fellow with a squinty eye and corn cob pipe approaches.
Popeye The Sailorman:  Well blow me down, Aquaman how is ya?

Aquaman:  (as they shake hands)  Fine and you’re looking fit.  So, Olive Oil let you out tonight?

Popeye:  (under his breath)  I’m supposed to be takin a shift patrollin the docks for the Harbor Master as far as Olive knows.

Aquaman:   You better sneak on board now in that case.

Popeye:  (muttering quietly)  Just doin me job and,,, (louder)  what’s this?  A submarinizer!  I better go aboard and have a look-see ta makes sure tings is on the up and up and all ship shape ect...

Popeye boards.  Charlie Tuna is the next guest to arrive.

Charlie:  Aquaman, I heard you need someone with good taste to class up this little affair you’re havin here tonight.

Aquaman:  Thanks for coming.  We have a few class acts here tonight.  I’m sure it will be a lot of “tasteful” fun.
Charlie Tuna

Charlie:  Not too “tasteful” I hope.

Both guys chuckle as Charlie boards the submarine.

  A stunning picture of seduction in a mink coat manifests itself on he pier.  It’s Octopussy and she’s dressed to kill with a beautiful, low cut blue dress under the mink.  She is sporting enough fine jewelry to make the Queen jealous.  Her full and lovely brown hair accents her piercing blue eyes.  She walks in high heels down the pier with the grace of a ballerina.

Aquaman:  Madam, you are fashionably late.

Octopussy:  I trust it was worth the wait for you.

Aquaman:  Indeed.

Octopussy:  Let’s cut the crap.  How many suckerfish do we have here tonight?

Aquaman:  There are six, not counting myself.  Shamu couldn’t make it, he’s working.

Octopussy:  Good, I always feel like we’re packed into that submarine like sardines when he comes.

Aquaman:  It’s not that bad.  This is a big ship and there is plenty of room at my underwater home, Atlantis.  Let’s get aboard.  We’ll be in international waters in about 30 minutes.

Octopussy:  Let’s do this.

Aquaman:  Gives the order “cast off” to the crew and boards the ship.  In a couple of minutes the submarine slowly departs.

We don’t have any surveillance onboard the submarine.  Aquaman must have the latest electronic de-bugging and anti-spy equipment on board.  We’re working on electronically penetrating his underwater home, Atlantis but, this is difficult because it is so deep in the ocean.  Because the Poker game is probably played in International waters, I don’t think an actual crime is being committed but, It sure would be interesting to listen in on it anyway.  I wish Commodore Agent 54 had been invited.  Maybe next time. 

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Recipes for life.

  Agent 54 here again.   I know it’s rude to listen in on the conversations of the ladies but, that’s what I get paid for and it’s so revealing.   Do you remember the Brady Bunch and the Partridge Family shows?  Shirley Partridge called Carol Brady the other day.  How cool is this?:
Shirley Partridge

Shirley Partridge:  Hello Carol?

Carol Brady:  Hi Shirley, how are you?

Shirley:  I’m okay but, my kitchen is a mess.  Mr. Kincaid took Danny hunting of all things and they came back with 3 very dead Porkypines and they insist that I prepare and cook them for the “Big Game Hunters”.

Carol:  Did you say Porkypines?  Nobody hunts Porkypines.

Shirley:  Oh yeah.  They said they were going for deer and came back with Porkypines.  Have you ever cleaned and gutted a Porkypine?  I’m gonna need a Tetanus shot.

Carol:  Oh my word.  Is there anything I can do to help?

Shirley:  Well, that’s why I called.  I’ve heard of a dish called Porkypine Meatballs but, you know, I’m a musician, not a great cook.  Do you or Alice have a recipe for something like that?

Carol:  Uh, you do know that Porkypine Meatballs aren’t necessarily made from Porkypine, don’t you?

Shirley:  What do you mean?  (panicky voiced) I have all this Porkypine here, I’ve got to do something with it and I promised,,,

Carol Brady
Carol:  (interrupting) Stay calm.  Alice is right here.  Alice can you help Shirley?

Alice:  Sure thing Mrs. B. (picking up the phone) Mrs. Partridge, you just listen to ole Alice here and we’ll fix everything.

Shirley:  Oh Alice, you’re a godsend.  How can I ever repay you?
Alice:  We’ll find a way.  Now, take that Porkypine and wrap it in a plastic bag and throw it into the trash dumpster.

Shirley:  But, I promised to,,,

Alice:  Nevermind that, just tell the boys you need to step out to get some more ingredients and you get your ass to Sam the butcher.  I’ll call him ahead of time and order some ground beef and ground pork and you’ll add the rice and make the sauce per the Baked Porcupine Meatballs - Southern Food - recipe.

Shirley:  You want me to lie to the boys.

Alice:  I prefer to call it “Bullshitting them”.  Believe me, when you see the look on their faces after they taste the “Porkypine Meatballs” that they think they themselves shot, Bullshiting will become your favorite sport.

Shirley:  Are you sure this will work?

Alice:  Heck yeah, it will work.  Nobody knows what Porkypine tastes like.  I’ve been bullshitting a long time.  Believe me they’ll love you for it.  Here’s Mrs. B, bye now.

Carol:  Shirley, are you okay with doing this type of Bullshitting?

Shirley:  Well, what choice do I have?  I guess I’ll just have to go for it.

Carol:  That’s the spirit.   Don’t feel bad about bullshitting the boys.  Look at what they get out of it.  A delicious meal and the satisfaction of thinking they brought home dinner the “manly, old fashioned way”.

Shirley:  You’re right.  I’ll make this work and when it’s done I’ll take all the glory.  Why not? 

Carol:  And we’ll cover for you on this side if your guys talk to our guys.

Shirley:  Thanks a million Carol, you and Alice are life-savers.

Carol:  What are friends for.  Bye bye.

  Wow, makes you kinda wonder just how much “bullshitting” is going on in domestic kitchens around the world.  Aw, who cares, as long  as it tastes good. 

Here's  a great recipe for Porkypine Meatballs: