Agent 54 : Is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. He works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. He reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
Agent 54 here
again. You probably figured that the NSA
has most bars and taverns bugged and we do.
We watched and listened in on Archie Bunker's Place, a neighborhood
tavern in Astoria, Queens NY and found some interesting business was occurring
between T.V. Stars Fred Flintstone and Ed Norton from the old Honeymooners show
that ran in the 50s. Check it out:
Ed Norton: Hey,
there he is, Fred Flintstone in the flesh. It’s a great honor to meet up wit
Ed Norton you’re just the man I want to see. Sit down, sit down. Can I buy ya a beer? Hey bartender, two Rolling Rocks on the
Ed: Why thank ya
there Freddy boy. So, what’s the
Fred: Well, ya
probably heard that Barney and me, well, we’re on the outs.
Fred: Yup, it’s
true, Barney wants to be on his own, the big star, the top banana, the cream
del a crop…
Ed: The cat’s
Fred: Exactly, he
says I’m holding him down.
Ed: Gee, that’s
too bad Fred, good second fiddles don’t grow on no trees ya know.
Fred: That’s why I
wanted to talk to you. You did such a
great job as Ralph’s sidekick. Why, it
seemed like just a natural fit. Whadda
ya say? Wanna be my second fiddle?
Ed: Gee, I dunno
there Freddy boy, I mean It’s been a long time since I done any fiddling around
ya know. Me and Ralphy boy were together
a lot a years. I gotta do some thinkin
on it before I make a decision with this kind of monumentalness to it.
Alf: (from a dark corner of the bar and slurring his
speech) Don’t do it Eddd (burp) Once
he’s got his hooks…..(burp)
(bartender to Alf) Hey why don’t
you just stifle yourself over
(to Fred and Ed) Here’s your
beers boys. Don’t pay no nevermind to
that furry drunk in the corner. He’s
just down cuz he can’t find no woik.
Fred: Thanks Arch,
Ed you’ll love Bedrock. I’ll get you a job in the quarry, oh you’ll
love workin in the quarry.
Ed: Yah, well coming
from the NYC sewer system the quarry would be a step up.
Fred: Hey, well go
bowlin ever Saturday night and you'll join the Loyal Order of Water Buffalo
Lodge No. 26 and be my lodge brother, oh well have a gay ole time.
Ed: Well, ya make
it all sound rather inviting but, one thing, Betty, I mean how’s that gonna woik
Fred: Don’t worry
about a thing, I already talked to Betty and you’re in like Flynn. (winking)
Ed: Ya, ya sure,
wow! Boy it’ll be great to get back to woik.
I’ve been so bored I was about to go nutz.
Fred: It will be
great! We’ll go down as one of the great
comedy duets like Laurel & Hardy, Abbot and Costello….
Ed: (interrupting) Nixon & Agnew
Alf: Cagney &
(Angrily) Why don’t you shut up
you intergalactic drunken bum! (turning
to Ed) Ed, whadda ya say? Are we a team
or are we a team?
Ed: Whadda I say,
whadda I say, I say we are a team there Freddy boy, a team from now on!
(reaching out hands and shaking on it)
Fred and Ed walked out arms around each other like two
true buddies as Alf passes out on the floor.
Wow! We witnessed
comedy history. I can’t wait to watch
the new adventures of Fred & Ed.
Agent 54 here again. We caught up with Ron on the Campaign bus,
heading to the Double Tex Ranch somewhere deep in the heart of Texas where Ron
has an appointment with a VIP campaign donor.
Campaign Manager, The Only Wendy Shade is going over the campaign plans
as they pull into the ranch driveway. A
huge Ranch house can be see way down the driveway.
This place is huge.
Wendy: Focus Ron, now we’re going to drop you off
and head into town to meet with the locals.
Ron: What town?
Wendy: Tim, what was that town on the map?
Tim: Buffalo Gap.
Wendy: Buffalo Gap!
Well, I hope there are more people there than Buffaloes. Ron, now this guy you’re gonna meet is a really
big shot and he wanted to have you stay overnight so he could get to know you. You know what to do?
Ron: Yes, kiss his butt early and often.
Wendy: That’s right!
Kiss it upside down and sideways too, if you get the chance. We’ll be back around lunch time tomorrow to
pick you up and you better have a big check with you.
Ron: I’ve got it.
What’s the old saying? The bigger
the butt the better the check or better the kiss the bigger the butt or,,,
Wendy: (interrupting) Ron!
Focus! This is no time to fool
around. You have to impress this guy if
we’re gonna win this state.
The bus stops in front of Ranch house and Ron
hops out and approaches the large front
door. As Ron steps onto the porch, the
door opens and a butler speaks.
Butler: Mr. Burgundy?
Ron: That’s me.
Butler: He’s waiting for you in the trophy room. This way please.
The butler leads Ron down a long hallway
decorated by large oil paintings of generations of family. At the end of the hall is a set of large
oaken double doors with cowboys on horseback, charging hard, carved into them. The butler opens the doors to a room the size
of a Wal-Mart Super Store with 8 fireplaces and more different species of
animals than you’ll find at the San Diego Zoo.
The animals are all very dead, beautifully stuffed and mounted. The butler announces Ron as a very large man
dressed in Cowboy boots, camouflage trousers, a buck skin hunting vest and a 10
gallon hat approaches.
Butler: Ron Burgundy
Tex: C’mon in here boy, Tex McTexson’s the
name. Nice to meet ya. You don’t mind if I call ya boy, do ya boy?
The two men
shake hands. Tex makes Ron look like an
elf in comparison.
Ron: Ron, boy, either one will do. Wow wee!
Did you shoot all these critters?
Tex: Nah, my great granddaddy Tex started this
collection. My granddad Tex Son added to
it. Many of the animals that were shot
were shot by my dad, Tex Texson In this
quarter of the room you got my personal Tex McTexson collection. I only shot a few of these animals.
Ron: Really, did the others have heart attacks or
funny boy! I like you already.
(slaps Ron on the back nearly knocking him over) Nah, I’ve been practicing new
and different ways of hunting. My new
favorite way of taking an animal is by sneaking up on them and using a piece of
piano wire strung through two blocks of wood, strangling them to death. I saw that in one of them Godfather movies
and thought I’d give it a try.
Ron: There’s a Giraffe.
Tex: Yeah, that was a tough SOB. You ever try to shimmy up a Giraffe’s neck
when he don’t want you there? Boy, that
Ron: So what’s the plan for us? Could it possibly be “movie night”?
night! Boy, you crack me up. Hell
no! Being that you’re my guest, I’m
gonna let you shoot a Whitetail Deer on my ranch. Now tell me boy, have you ever killed
anything bigger than a center city cockroach before?
Ron: Well, a bird flew into the grill of my car.
Tex: Uh huh, was it a Red Tailed Hawk by chance?
Ron: Uh, I think it was a Finch or a Chickadee.
Tex: Okay boy, I see we got some work to do so
let’s head out to the shootin range for some practice and then we’ll go get an
Ron: We’re not going to hunt Indians are we?
Tex: Nah, we don’t do that no more. We need an Indian to help track the deer. Now hurry up boy, we got to get you outfitted
with some gear and pick a horse for you and,,,
Ron: (interrupting) We’re going by horseback?
Tex: Hell ya.
Wada ya think you can take a bus to where the dear hangout.
Ron: I just assumed we’d be walking.
On this ranch? Do you know how
many acres we got here? Hell, I’m not
even sure numbers go that high.
Ron: Well, I don’t have much experience on a real
Tex: Don’t worry boy, the horse has
experience. Now let’s git goin. We’re burnin daylight.
Ron out the back door to the tackle area.
We catch up with them again as they are on horseback and heading up to a
trailer home on the ranch. A man in hunting attire comes out of the
trailer as Ron and Tex approach.
Tex: Hey Irv, ya ready to go get a deer.
Irv: What’s the hurry? The deer will be there tomorrow. Hey, who’s the city slicker?
Tex: This here is Presidential Candidate Ron
Burgundy and he’s gonna shoot his first deer today or tonight. Ron, this is my faithful ole Indian tracker
Your name is Irv Lewinsky. That
doesn’t sound like an Indian name.
Irv: Wada you know from Indians? Bigshot city boy, phewy! The only Indians you
probably know are from Cleveland, right Mr. Bigshot?
Tex: C’mon now Irv. He’s our guest and we have a lot to teach him
in one day so let’s get along and let’s get going.
Irv: Alright, alright already. Let me use the toilet once more before we
Ron: Uh, I apologize Irv. I guess I haven’t ever met a real Indian
Irv: Yeah, okay fine. (under his breath) Oy Vey, I must be a mashugana person for
Scene: It’s the next day at lunch time and the
Campaign bus has stopped at the entrance to the Double Tex Ranch somewhere deep
in the heart of Texas where Ron Burgundy stands wearing a thousand yard stare
on his face. His suit jacket is folded
over his left arm. He’s wearing a buck
skin hunting vest. He has his necktie
tied around his head like an Indian headband with a feather from a Red Tailed
Hawk in it. His warrior face paint
complete his ensemble. Wendy calls to
him from the bus.
Wendy: Hey Tarzan!
You look different.
confidently strides toward and onto the bus, taking his usual seat upfront.
Ron: Call me Red Suit.
Wendy: Uh, okay,
Red Suit, did you have fun?
Ron: I tracked, shot and killed a deer. Then I gutted the dear, skinned it, butchered
it, cooked it and ate deer and beans all night around the campfire as my new
blood brothers told tall tales of cattle drives, outlaws and shootouts. We ate, drank, burped and farted without
apologies, like real men of the old west.
Wendy: Okay then. Where’d you get the buck skin hunting vest?
Ron: I made it from the deer I shot.
Wendy: Alrighty then, uh, how about the check?
Ron pulls an
envelope from his jacket pocket and silently hands it to Wendy. She opens it and her jaw drops.
Cow! I’ve never seen so many zeros
on a check. With a check this big we
could win Texas, Oklahoma and Arkansas.
You must have really impressed Tex.
Great job Ron!
sleeps in his seat and dreams of his awesome night and his newly invigorated
manhood, the Campaign bus rolls on down the dusty campaign trail.
Agent 54 here again. We’ve been following the Ron Burgundy
Presidential campaign closely and we expect a statement from the candidate
soon. Right now we are still trying to
figure out what Blintzed uh, Blitzed Wolfer is up to at CAN (Cable Ass
Blitzed Wolfer: This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN on the
campaign trail again. Today we are on
the Santa Monica pier to ask people what
they think of the smelly Pirate hooker scandal that has stained the Ron
Burgundy campaign for President.
Blitzed: Let’s ask a fisherman what he thinks. Sir, Sir, what do you think of smelly
Sound Guy: Uh, dude I’m your sound man. This, this ain’t a fishin pole, it’s boom
Blitzed: And so it is.
(under his breath) get the hell outta here you knucklehead.
Blitzed: (to a real
fisherman) Sir, can I ask you about
smelly Pirates and hookers.
As he turns around we
see the fisherman is Jack Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson: Yeah, I’ll talk about hookers, I like mine
with nothing on em. Heh, heh, nicht,
nicht (scary laughter).
Blitzed: Oh, It’s Mr. Jack Nicholson of motion picture
fame. Jack, I’m Blitzed Wolfer with CAN.
What are you doing here?
Jack Nicholson: Blitzed?
That’s your name? Blitzed? What, were you conceived during a football
game? Heh, heh, nicht, nicht (scary
laughter). What the hell do ya think
I’m doin here, I’m fishin.
Blitzed: Oh, catching your supper, huh?
Jack Nicholson: Not really.
See I enjoy fishin my own way.
See I catch the fish and then I cut the fins off them on the right sideonly
. Then I throw them back and watch as
the crabs try to eat them while they swim around in circles. It’s great fun,,,for the crabs Heh, heh,
nicht, nicht (scary laughter).
Blitzed: (appalled) Well, uh, actually, uh we, that is, America
wants to know what you think about the Ron Burgundy smelly Pirate hooker
Jack Nicholson: So, Ron Burgundy is running for President, ya
don’t say. Well, Ron and I go way
back. You know, sometimes he joins me
courtside for Laker games and his hair is always a work of art.
Blitzed: Yes, we know it is but, what about the smelly
Jack Nicholson: Well, I wouldn’t know anything about that and
if I were you I wouldn’t be repeating that around town too much if you know
what I mean. I mean, it might not be too
healthy for a guy to be making certain insinuations against Ron Burgundy who
happens to be a friend of mine. Ya know
what I mean, Do ya?
hard before he speaks) Yes, yes sir Mr.
Blintzed uh, Blitzed to the camera: Thank you and that’s all from
the Santa Monica pier. This is Blitzed
Wolfer for CAN. (to the crew under his
breath) Let’s get the hell outta here,
Jack Nicholson: (Shouting down the pier as Blitzed and crew
hurry away) Nice to see ya. Hurry back JACKASS!
Ron Burgundy is very fortunate to have good
friends like Jack Nicholson to watch his back.
Agent 54 here again. I’m really excited to bring you updates from
the Ron Burgundy Presidential Campaign especially since he’s teamed up with Old
Spice to clean up Washington D.C.
Finally we have a really different candidate to shake things up. We caught up with Ron, Blitzed Wolfer and a
special guest in the Rodeo arena at the Missouri State Fair.
Wolfer: Hello again everyone this is
Blitzed Wolfer on the campaign trail for CAN the Cable Ass Network at the
Missouri State Fair and we are in the Rodeo arena waiting for Presidential
Candidate Ron Burgundy to join us. I
have with me former Boston Red Sox World Champion first baseman Kevin Miller
who is a currently working on MLB network.
Hello Kevin, how are you?
Millar: It’s Mill-ar there Blitzed, not
Miller. You know like Mill and then
ARRRRRH like a pirate and not none of them smelly Pirate hookers either, no a
cool Pirate like that Captain Morgan or Blackbeard.
Thank you. Ron Burgundy promised
to meet us here at this time. I’ve seen
some of his people handing out campaign materials but, no Ron so far. Kevin, are you excited to meet Ron Burgundy?
Kevin: Yeah sure, I heard some things about this boy
runnin for President. I like Old Spice and
their crazy T.V. commercials. I think
they could make a good team. Now
Blitzed, is this your first time at the Redneck Olympics? Cuz it looks like it.
Blitzed: Excuse me, Redneck what?
Kevin: The Redneck Olympics. That’s what us Rednecks call the Rodeo. This is
your first Rodeo. Boy, did you
noticed anything about the way you’re dressed.
Blitzed: Uh, I appear to be dressed app….
(interrupting) Man, you’re the only one in this place with a tie on except some
of the Rodeo clowns. Man, take that
thing off, loosen up, you’re embarrassin me.
Blitzed: Well, I think I have….
Announcer on the PA system: Ladies and
Gentlemen, Thank you for coming to the Rodeo at the Missouri State Fair. (applause)
I would like to direct your attention to the center of the arena, you
may recognize a special guest Rodeo clown.
Yes fans, it’s leading Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy in a Red
White and Blue Rodeo Clown suit. (big
applause as Ron waves to the crowd)
Kevin: Boy, how da ya like that. That’s Ron Burgundy out there in a clown suit
with make-up and everything,,, except no hat cuz his hair is a work of art, no
Blitzed: Well, what a surprise. You never know what Ron’s up to next.
Announcer: And here comes the bull. Who wants to see a politician being chased by
the bull rather than flinging the bull?
(crowd applauds and laughs) Here we go the bull is chasing Ron Burgundy
and then another clown zips in between them and distracts the bull.
Kevin: You see that teamwork there Blitzed. These professional Rodeo clowns have the
timing of a great double-play combination.
They distract the bull at the right time to keep each other and the bull
riders from getting hurt.
Blitzed: Yes they really move well out there and you
can tell they have a plan.
Kevin: Boy, you’re startin to get into the ole
Redneck Olympics ain’t ya. I’ll make a
Redneck out of ya yet.
Candidate Ron Burgundy
Announcer: The bull is after Burgundy
again. Who wants to see Ron Burgundy get
run down? (raucous cheers of “no” and “yeah”
and laughs as the crowd is really having fun).
Rodeo Announcer: Burgundy is down as the other clowns distract
the bull. Looks like Ron Burgundy
slipped and went down in puddle of mud but, he’s up and waving to the
crowd. Ladies and Gentlemen how about a
hand for Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy being a good sport. (thunderous applause, whistles and cheers)
Kevin: Man look at that clown suit. Somebody’s gonna be up doin laundry all night
Blitzed: Ron is heading this way. (as Ron approaches
he’s a bit out of breath) Ron, how are you?
Ron: Wow,,,that bull is fast,,,and mean,,,and
Kevin: Hey Ron this is Kevin Millar. Yeah, people who watch on T.V. don’t
understand them things smell bad.
Ron: Good to meet you Kevin,,,Yeah,,,they
stink. Hey, I saw you win the World
Series some years ago,,,didn’t I?
(someone opens a gate for Ron to walk out of the ring).
Kevin: Guilty as charged.
Blitzed: That looked like a lot of fun, Ron.
Ron: Are you kidding? I was terrified. No, no actually I have all the confidence in
the world because those are professional Rodeo clowns and they really know what
they are doing. This really was a blast.
Blitzed: Why did you get into the ring with that bull?
Kevin: Man, we ain’t in no studio. This is how you ask that question. Ron, what the heck possessed your mind to get
you in the ring with a 2000 pound monster bull?
Ron: Well Kevin, as you know, my campaign has
teamed up with Old Spice and our goal is to clean up Washington politics. I wanted to show the good people of Missouri
that a politician could get down and do the hard, dirty work for them and then
after I shower with Old Spice body wash, show them how I could make everything
nice and clean again.
Kevin: Well alright.
You know I always liked Old Spice so I think you got my vote.
How about you Blitzed?
Blitzed: Thank you very much for stopping by Ron. I know you want to go get cleaned up so we’ll
wrap this up now.
Ron: I appreciate CAN and (turning and waving to
the crowd) the great people of Missouri whoo hoo!. (great applause as Ron heads
for the showers)
Blitzed: Well, we certainly had an exciting evening
here at the Missouri State Fair. I’m
Blitzed Wolfer with Kevin Millar on the campaign trail for CAN saying good
Kevin: (puts his arm around Blitzed as they walk off)
Hey, let’s go get us a Captain Morgan.
What’s with your name anyway man?
What did daddy get really drunk that night or what?
Agent 54 here again. Max (Agent 86) personally assigned me to this
one. We heard an interesting phone call
and that lead us to stake out the docks and pier number 7 in particular. Here’s what we got.
John: Vicente’s Pizza, John speaking. Can I take you order.
Aquaman: Hi John.
John: Hey, A-man, how ya doin? Want the usual?
Aquaman: Not tonight John. I need 2 Aquaman Specials, extra anchovies
and 2 large pepperoni and 2 Italian meatlovers pies delivered to pier 7. You got that?
John: You want all six large pies and say 6 one
liter bottles of assorted sodas. Poker
Aquaman: Can’t fool you, John.
John: Hey, I’m happy to cater your little
affair. Let’s say about 45 minutes for
Aquaman: See ya then.
Scene: Docked at Pier 7 is a submarine that is
shaped to look something like a Blue Whale.
A submarine crew man stands by each end of the ship. The hatch is open and Aquaman waits on the
pier. About 45 minutes after the phone
call, John and his sons arrive.
Aquaman: Hey guys, take that stuff in and put it on
the counter in the galley.
and his sons come out of the sub, Aquaman hands John a $100 bill.
Aquaman: Man your boys are growing like weeds. Hey keep the change.
John: Thanks a lot and good luck in the game?
pizza is my good luck charm. Thank you.
John and his sons depart the first “guest” arrives.
Penguin: Wa, wa How are you my old friend?
Aquaman: Ship shape, how have you been?
Penguin: Busy, busy, planning and scheming, scheming
Aquaman: Well, take it easy tonight. Relax, go on board and pour yourself a drink.
Penguin: Don’t mind if I do. Don’t mind if I do my friend.
boards as another player shows up.
Flipper: Hey, Aquaman as I live and breathe, nice to
see you again my man.
Aquaman: Good to have you come aboard. Where’s your buddy, Shamu?
Flipper: He sends his apologies. He’s still got another day of shooting on
Aquaman: Yeah, how’s that going?
Flipper: I finished up today but, Shamu got a bigger
part and I’ll tell you, it’s gone to his head,,,and his gut too. Ha ha ho
boards the submarine and shortly thereafter another player comes striding up
the dock in a beautiful black tuxedo.
Pesci: (Pesci is Italian for Fish) Hey
Aquaman, is this your submarine or are you just happy to see me?
Aquaman: C’mere and gimmie a hug ya gangster you.
The men hug
and then Joe pretends to punch Aquaman in the gut. They both laugh.
Joe: Hey who’s here?
Aquaman: The Penguin is in there waiting for you.
Joe: Oh my God, I love that guy. Oh boy, you’re in trouble tonight when me and
The Penguin get together.
Aquaman: Go onboard and get a drink.
Joe: Don’t have to ask me twice.
Joe boards. A strange fellow with a squinty eye and corn
cob pipe approaches.
Sailorman: Well blow me down, Aquaman
how is ya?
Aquaman: (as they shake hands) Fine and you’re looking fit. So, Olive Oil let you out tonight?
Popeye: (under his breath) I’m supposed to be takin a shift patrollin
the docks for the Harbor Master as far as Olive knows.
Aquaman: You better sneak on board now in that case.
Popeye: (muttering quietly) Just doin me job and,,, (louder) what’s this?
A submarinizer! I better go
aboard and have a look-see ta makes sure tings is on the up and up and all ship
boards. Charlie Tuna is the next guest
Charlie: Aquaman, I heard you need someone with good
taste to class up this little affair you’re havin here tonight.
Aquaman: Thanks for coming. We have a few class acts here tonight. I’m sure it will be a lot of “tasteful” fun.
Charlie: Not too “tasteful” I hope.
chuckle as Charlie boards the submarine.
A stunning picture of seduction in a mink
coat manifests itself on he pier. It’s
Octopussy and she’s dressed to kill with a beautiful, low cut blue dress under
the mink. She is sporting enough fine
jewelry to make the Queen jealous. Her
full and lovely brown hair accents her piercing blue eyes. She walks in high heels down the pier with
the grace of a ballerina.
Aquaman: Madam, you are fashionably late.
Octopussy: I trust it was worth the wait for you.
Octopussy: Let’s cut the crap. How many suckerfish do we have here tonight?
Aquaman: There are six, not counting myself. Shamu couldn’t make it, he’s working.
Octopussy: Good, I always feel like we’re packed into
that submarine like sardines when he comes.
Aquaman: It’s not that bad. This is a big ship and there is plenty of
room at my underwater home, Atlantis.
Let’s get aboard. We’ll be in
international waters in about 30 minutes.
Octopussy: Let’s do this.
Aquaman: Gives the order “cast off” to the crew and boards
the ship. In a couple of minutes the
submarine slowly departs.
have any surveillance onboard the submarine.
Aquaman must have the latest electronic de-bugging and anti-spy
equipment on board. We’re working on
electronically penetrating his underwater home, Atlantis but, this is difficult
because it is so deep in the ocean.
Because the Poker game is probably played in International waters, I
don’t think an actual crime is being committed but, It sure would be
interesting to listen in on it anyway. I
wish Commodore Agent 54 had been invited.
Maybe next time.
Agent 54 here again. I know it’s rude to listen in on the
conversations of the ladies but, that’s what I get paid for and it’s so
revealing. Do you remember the Brady Bunch and the Partridge Family shows? Shirley Partridge called
Carol Brady the other day. How cool is
Shirley Partridge: Hello Carol?
Brady: Hi Shirley, how are you?
Shirley: I’m okay but, my kitchen is a mess. Mr. Kincaid took Danny hunting of all things
and they came back with 3 very dead Porkypines and they insist that I prepare
and cook them for the “Big Game Hunters”.
Carol: Did you say Porkypines? Nobody hunts Porkypines.
Shirley: Oh yeah.
They said they were going for deer and came back with Porkypines. Have you ever cleaned and gutted a Porkypine? I’m gonna need a Tetanus shot.
Carol: Oh my word.
Is there anything I can do to help?
Shirley: Well, that’s why I called. I’ve heard of a dish called Porkypine
Meatballs but, you know, I’m a musician, not a great cook. Do you or Alice have a recipe for something
Carol: Uh, you do know that Porkypine Meatballs
aren’t necessarily made from Porkypine, don’t you?
Shirley: What do you mean? (panicky voiced) I have all this Porkypine
here, I’ve got to do something with it and I promised,,,
Carol: (interrupting) Stay calm. Alice is right here. Alice can you help Shirley?
Alice: Sure thing Mrs. B. (picking up the phone)
Mrs. Partridge, you just listen to ole Alice here and we’ll fix everything.
Shirley: Oh Alice, you’re a godsend. How can I ever repay you?
Alice: We’ll find a way. Now, take that Porkypine and wrap it in a
plastic bag and throw it into the trash dumpster.
Shirley: But, I promised to,,,
Alice: Nevermind that, just tell the boys you need
to step out to get some more ingredients and you get your ass to Sam the butcher. I’ll call him ahead of time and order some
ground beef and ground pork and you’ll add the rice and make the sauce per theBaked Porcupine Meatballs -
Southern Food - About.com recipe.
Shirley: You want me to lie to the boys.
Alice: I prefer to call it “Bullshitting them”. Believe me, when you see the look on their
faces after they taste the “Porkypine Meatballs” that they think they themselves
shot, Bullshiting will become your favorite sport.
Shirley: Are you sure this will work?
yeah, it will work. Nobody knows
what Porkypine tastes like. I’ve been
bullshitting a long time. Believe me
they’ll love you for it. Here’s Mrs. B,
Carol: Shirley, are you okay with doing this type of
Shirley: Well, what choice do I have? I guess I’ll just have to go for it.
Carol: That’s the spirit. Don’t feel bad about bullshitting the
boys. Look at what they get out of
it. A delicious meal and the
satisfaction of thinking they brought home dinner the “manly, old fashioned way”.
Shirley: You’re right.
I’ll make this work and when it’s done I’ll take all the glory. Why not?
Carol: And we’ll cover for you on this side if your
guys talk to our guys.
Shirley: Thanks a million Carol, you and Alice are
Carol: What are friends for. Bye bye.
makes you kinda wonder just how much “bullshitting” is going on in domestic
kitchens around the world. Aw, who
cares, as long as it tastes good.
Here's a great recipe for Porkypine Meatballs: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/melindas-porcupine-meatballs