Agent 54 : Is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. He works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. He reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
here again.I was eggxcited to get this
colorful phone call between the foremost distributor of Easter Eggs and the
head of the Egg Manufacturing Union.Seems that one side wants a new deal.Will these guys be able to resolve their differences before Easter
Sunday?Let’s hope so for the children’s
Here’s my report.
A Bunny Secretary speaks into her bosses
intercom: EB, I have Chicky Hoffa from
the EMU on line one.
Easter Bunny (EB):
(sarcastically) Great, just what
I need. Okay, I got it.
EB clicking line one: Hey Chicky, how are ya? What can I do for ya.
Chicky Hoffa, head of the EMU: Hi EB.
You know we’re busy as heck trying to build up your inventory for this
year’s Easter season.
EB: Yes, and
we appreciate all of your hard work. We’re
working around the clock here to get ready too.
well frankly, we at the EMU think you could appreciate us a little more and I
don’t mean chicken scratch either.
EB: Now wait
a minute here Chicky, we just made a new deal in 2015, We still got 4 years on our contract. I’m afraid I can’t hop up to the plate to
make a new deal at this time.
Chicky: (in an elevated tone) Hey fur-ball, you know that ever since the
stupid HOP movie came out, demand for our eggs has doubled. My hens are working overtime and we need a
bigger slice of the pie if you want us to keep up with demand. We want more of the recognition for Easter
too. After all we make the darn things.
EB: No need
for insults, Chicky. I’m sure you
realize that if it weren’t for me you would have almost no demand, I’m the face of your product and let’s not forget
my expenses. I have designers, artists,
distribution and administrative staff to pay.
Chicky: I don’t
give a fart about that and I still can’t figure out how you made humans believe
that a bunny would deliver decorated chicken eggs. You know, I got an idea. I just might create an Easter Chicken and knock
your cotton tail right out of this whole industry. How’s that sound?
EB: Is that a
threat? Cause you may not know this but
I’ve been talking to Donald Duck and he says that between his ducks and a bunch
of quails he’s organized, I can get more than enough eggs to fill my orders.
that what we’re doin here? Usin
words? Words like ducks and quails? Is that what we’re doin?
calm down here. We’ve been in business
together too long to throw it all away now.
Truth is we got a good thing going here and we should be able to figure
out how to keep it going.
well I just wanted to remind you that the Lucky Rabbit’s foot industry is
starting to take off again. Say, how
well do you hop on 3 legs?
this is getting ugly now. Look let’s
talk turkey at our next board meeting. I’ll
buy you a drink and we can sit down and discuss things like civilized, professional,
Okay, I’ll be there but remember, I ain’t exactly 100% domesticated
either. I’m warning you, don’t tweak my
EB: Yes, of
course not. You know, I’ve always had
the utmost respect for you and your Union.
I’ll see ya at the meeting.
Cow! I can’t wait to listen in on that
here again.My wife dragged me and my movie
buddies to see LA LA Land starring Emma Stone as Mia and Ryan Gosling as
Sebastian (Seb) today.It was a more
believable movie than 50 Shades of whatever and I'm sure the dance numbers were
better too.Surprisingly, we all seemed
to enjoy LA LA Land.
another of our poolside reviews.
Scene: Agent 54 is sitting at a poolside table with
a soda, notebook and a pen, Everyone
else is in the pool relaxing.
Well, as usual, I have to start things off . To tell the truth I thought LA LA Land
was going to be the typical boring “chick-flick” that my wife makes me sit
through from time to time so I can get to watch great movies like Sharknado
and District 9.
went in with an open mind and actually enjoyed the movie. I found the dance scenes to be colorful and
energetic. I enjoyed the scenes filmed
in and around Hollywood and the movie made me want to go back there for
vacation again. Much of the movie
brought the viewers back to the golden age of Hollywood musicals and the music
was good, especially if you enjoy jazz.
Carol (Mrs. Agent 54): I liked the story except at the end when the
guy and the girl didn’t end up together. I thought that was sad.
maybe but, they be keepin it real.
Nobody in Hollywood stays hooked up for very long. I really enjoyed John Legend’s vibe as the
leader of the band that Seb joined.
Yeah, well, I liked Emma Stone.
She’s one of the cutest little Hollywood starfish in the sea.
Oh boy. You still got no class,
Flip. Last movie we saw you got a crush
on Isla Fisher and that’s all you remember about the flick.
what can I say. I’m a suckerfish for
little Redhead Herrings.
Yeah, getting back to the movie, I have to agree with Shamu. The underlying message of LA LA Land was
one of the sacrifice and commitment needed to make your dreams come true.
I say Mia has no class either. I
mean, after they split up Seb intercepts an audition call-back for Mia and he
drives off to Colorado to drag her to the audition which makes all her dreams
come true. What does she do for
him? She gets rich and famous and forgets
all about him and marries some French guy.
Carol: OMG! He
wasn’t a French guy and she helped Seb with his career before by telling him to
chase his dreams and play his own music no matter what.
Shiiit! Seb was gonna make it no
matter what. That guy can play the piano
like nobody’s business.
Hey, take it easy Shamu. That’s
my wife you’re takin to.
Whatever, I’m just sayin he did a lot more for her than she did for him
and that’s the damn straight skippy.
I enjoyed the scene on the Santa Monica pier when Seb is singing. You know, I used to swim near there all the
time but, you got to keep your distance from the pier. Nasty fishing hooks and that kinda crap all
gets out of the pool and wraps a towel herself.
I’m heading back to the house to make dinner.
I’ve had enough of hanging around with this riff raff. You comin, Agent 54?
Agent 54: In
a minute. Gotta finish writing this up. Hey, how many Starfish?
Carol: 3 out
of 5. It was good, not great.
for Mia, er uh Emma Stone.
Starfish all day long. I liked it.
I give it a classy 4 Starfish and I would watch it again.
Agent 54: I
have to give it 4 Starfish too. I have
to admit, I was entertained.
Shiiit! Agent 54 liked a “chick-flick”
more than his wife, ha ha ha.
Agent 54: Who
you making fun of, you gave it 4 too.
Anyway, the movie averaged 3.6 Starfish.
Not bad for a “chick-flick”.
Scene: After Carol leaves, Agent 54 closes his
notebook and slowly takes off his Hawaiian shirt,then shouts,,,
the biggest splash in the history of that pool, Agent 54 comes up for air.
Agent 54: So,
Chips is gonna be a classic comedy.
Okay then, Chips, starring Dax Sheppard and Michael Pena it is.
here again. As a former Marine and Ice
Hockey Player, I’d like to make up a great story of courage, heroism and
bravery about how I hurt my left knee.
Truth is that years after giving up Hockey and leaving the USMC, I hurt
my knee moving a couch in my own living room.
Yeah, I know, LAME.
going hiking like a Viking so, after about 8 to 10 years I finally took my knee
to the doctor and we set up an appointment for an MRI. A couple of days later the doctor’s office
contacted me to reschedule the appointment.
They said the MRI machine needed maintenance.
started the wheels in my mind spinning.
My first question was “Who broke the MRI?” The questions would only multiply.
Did they try to scan The Invisible Man?
Was it Herman Munster with his unique physique?
What would an MRI reveal about Evil Knievel?
Did the machine overheat from a Trump tweet?
How will the cost of Obamacare affect the repair?
How did they know it was broke, did it start to
Would they call Roto Rooter to fix the MRI’s
If they used the MRI on a clown, could that cause it
Was fixing the machine my mission, after all I am a
Did the MRI’s signals get crossed, causing the
images to be lost?
Was the operator smart and remember to push the
button labeled START?
Trouble shooting a machine, when you begin, remember
to ask: Is it plugged in?
That MRI should run like the Energizer Bunny. Did they think rescheduling was funny?
I know these are some of the same questions all
of you would ask. I have no answers at
this time and I’m almost out of rhymes.
All I have is another appointment for another day and hopes that they
can make the pain go away.
wish me luck or with a bad knee I will be stuck.
UPDATE 2/25/17 I got the MRI done. I think the fun has just begun. UPDATE 3/2/17 The news today was great. The Doc. doesn't have to operate. A shot of cortisone and some therapy and I can avoid surgery. Thank you all for thinking of me and my knee recovery.
here again. So, I was trying to come up
with something for Sandee’s Silly Sunday on her https://comedyplus.blogspot.com/2017/02/silly-sunday.html#more
site when “the news” inspired me again. When
I saw so many of our elected officials in Washington D.C. acting more and more
childishly every day and the debate over the Obamacare debacle taking more
twists and turns than old Route 66, I was reminded of this old joke.
surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like to
see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up,
everything inside them is numbered."
The second responded, "You should
try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon said, "I really
think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical
The fourth surgeon chimed in, " You know, I like construction workers...they always understand when you have a few
parts left over in the end and when the job takes longer and cost more than
you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up
with this observation, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to
operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and ass are
How much truth do you think
there is in this old joke?
Agent 54 here again. I was relaxing over the holidays (I don’t
remember which holiday) watching Ancient Aliens on my TV when I started hearing
voices again. These voices didn’t seem
to be coming from my own head, as usual.
No, they seemed to be coming from a bowl of mixed nuts that were stationed
on my TV tray. Was I dreaming? Were my Ancient Alien Ancestors facilitating
a conversation between myself and previously unacknowledged intelligence? Am I just full of it? Please read my report on the conversation and
decide for yourself.
Peanut: So, I
heard Walnuts aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, ha ha.
great. Comments from the peanut
gallery. Shouldn’t you be getting
smooshed into a sandwich spread for kids?
Pecan: Peek a
boo, I see you. Get it, I’m a peeking
Pecan, get it?
real clever there Pecan. Hey, what the
heck are Peanuts doing in here with us anyway.
After all they aren’t nuts, they’re legumes.
- Legumes, it’s just semantics. Humans love us so much we get to go to every
ballgame and they put us in Snickers bars.
Say Cashew, why did the humans name you guys after a sneeze? A-chew!
real funny there, Peanut. You’re a
regular Norm McDonald. We Almonds are
very special nuts. That’s why when the
put us in a candy bar they call it an “Almond Joy”.
say Almond, isn’t the Coconut the nut star of that candy bar?
technically Coconuts are “drupes” and not nuts.
cares! This whole conversation is
NUTZ! And Filbert, you wouldn’t even be
here if it weren’t for your cousin, Hazelnut being used to flavor Starbucks
pick on Filbert. He’s an up and coming
nut with a lot of potential an he’s sensitive.
you’re all crazy. Walnuts are the Human’s
favorite. That’s why they save us for
only their best, most festive recipes and occasions and why they use us to cover
their ice cream.
calling who crazy? Aren’t Walnuts
famously used in Fruitcakes?
When the humans want to take a walk on the wild side, they come to the Brazil
nut. “Do, da do, da do, take a walk on
the wild side”.
Nice Lou Reed impression there, Brazil but, we Macadamia nuts get baked
into the most delicious cookies the humans can make. We are truly a very special sweet treat for
the humans have been using us Pistachios as a food source since 6750 B.C. We’re the ones who have staying power.
because you read that on Wikipedia there, Pistachio don’t mean it’s true. No, you’re just another nut unless you can be
the main ingredient in a delicious sweet pie or ice cream. Nothing the humans love more than Pecan pie
and Butter Pecan ice cream or a slice of Pecan pie with a scoop of Butter Pecan
ice cream on top. Mmmm, mmm.
guys don’t have a clue. Peanuts have so
many uses for the humans, I can’t even count them all. They even cook with Peanut oil and named
their favorite cartoon strip after us.
Peanuts are obviously the human’s favorite and you guys are just “bowl
fillers”. You’re just here for some
Peanut, you don’t have to get so salty with us!
The Boss, Bruce
Springsteen sang, “there’s 57 channels and nothing on”.
here again. Okay, I admit it. Have watched and I do watch way too much T.V.
and it has probably rotted my brain somewhat.
Though I do have other hobbies like blogging, hiking, treasure hunting
and writing, sometimes I’m tired and I just want to sit in my recliner and
watch T.V. Since most of today’s shows
are boring, I often find myself falling asleep in my recliner. This is probably the best use of today’s dumb
I want to
believe my viewing habits are a little more enlightened than most people’s but,
maybe not. I don’t watch much usual T.V.
like the evening sitcoms or soap operas or the Hallmark channel because I have
found that there are only about 35 story plot lines in regular T.V. and the
shows just insert different characters into the same plot lines. Though I often enjoy writing about T.V.
characters from my past, today’s characters all seem to be watered down
versions of those I enjoyed as a child or teen. T.V. characters became stale to
me after “All in the Family” with Carroll O’Connor as Archie Bunker ended.
like to watch “Reality T.V.” like the competition cooking shows but, of course
there is nothing real about them. How
many times have you had to make a Chocolate Soufflé in 2 and half minutes? I don’t pretend to know what they are talking
about on these shows either. I still don’t
know what a Crème Brule is. I saw one
show where they made a smoothie using moose and sushi and they called it a
Mooshi. I would like to try that recipe.
wife forces me to watch these “Housewives of
Wherever” shows where rich and spoiled women argue about the rotten
things they say about each other.
Sometimes that ultra – stupidity is funny though I
admit that I’m jealous of them. Why do these idiots get to be wealthy. I’m a much better person than they are. I would make a fine millionaire. That is my big idea for a reality show. Someone should give me a million dollars and
then follow me around with a camera to see what happens. If you happen to have a million dollars and a
T.V. camera, have your people call my people.
I try to
watch the History Channel or Discovery Science when I can but, my wife hates
those channels because she’s afraid she might learn something. “Can’t you just turn your brain off and
watch T.V.” she will bellow. Sometimes I wish I could.
I like to
watch sports but, I’ve seen so much that that can become boring too. Occasionally
I get lucky and find a great movie like “Forrest Gump” or “The Good, The Bad
and The Ugly” or “Willie Wonka” or “Blazing Saddles” but those times are few
and far between. Ah, they just don’t
make movies like they used to.
The News? What is The News anymore. The last election cycle was brutal for T.V. News.
It has become all opinion and Bullshit anymore. It’s hard to find worse people than today’s
T.V. or Newspaper Reporters. They will incite
violence and stupidity for a good live shot.
You would have to watch “The Housewives of New Jersey” to find worse
people on T.V. Watching todays T.V. News
you can see America being dumbed down minute by minute.
Of course the purpose of T.V. is to get you to
buy stuff. I do find some of the endless
commercials to be funny and I can resist most of them, with the possible
exception of Taco Bell commercials but, many people are tricked into doing
foolish things by the devious advertisers. The Capital One credit card ads with Samuel L.
Jackson are the worst. This guy is
yelling at me with his condescending tone to get a credit card and a line of
credit that I don’t deserve, to buy stuff I can’t afford. When he asks “What’s in your wallet?” I shout
at the T.V. “none of your business, jackass!”
Uh oh. Yelling at the T.V. Is that a sign of brain rot?
find myself turning the idiot box off more and more and just listening to music
on my computer as I write. Living in
Arizona, I’m lucky enough to be able to spend some time outdoors away from the
T.V. too but, I often see zombies hooked on their rotten shows watching them
outside on their “Smart Phones”. This is
much more expensive than watching at home and they are watching on a tiny
screen with all kinds of distractions around.
I have to ask, who is smarter,
the viewers or the phones?
examining the deterioration of the programming and T.V.’s overall effects on
our society, I have to believe that now, more than ever, Mrs. Sturak is
right. “T.V. rots your brain!”
here again. Well, just when everyone was
wanting to forget the wild and at times, stupid campaign 2016 season, some
idiot decided to keep the madness going.
This sparked a phone call between The Count and the leader of the Greens. Here’s my report on that conversation and situation.
people on the phone couldn’t be more different.
First, there is Green Party Candidate Jill Stein. She “decided” to demand a re-count in the 3
states closely won by Donald Trump in what appears to be a dubious effort to
help Hillary Clinton. Stein received no
percent of the vote herself because, as it turns out, trees can’t vote.
there is The Count of Sesame street fame.
The Count is known for being a snappy dresser and counting everything
from telephone poles to light sockets with the utmost style and accuracy. Some have suggested that The Count enjoys his
job a little too much. Could that be
Here’s the call.
Hello, this is Jill Stein of the Green Party, we’re clean, mean and
Green. How can I help you?
Good evening: I am The Count ha
ha ha. I heard you may be looking for
someone to help you re-count votes. I am
the greatest counter of them all, ha ha ha.
That’s correct. We’re looking for
talented people in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania to help us get the
result we’re looking for, if you know what I mean.
Vundabar! I’m already here in
Transylvania and I can start right away.
Tell me, how much does this re-counting pay? ha ha ha
Oh no, nobody voted in Transylvania. we need the votes re-counted in the
State of Pennsylvania of the USA. Can
you relocate for a while, Mr. Count?
Yes, yes I can relocate, if the “Green count” is right, ha ha ha, and by
“Green count” I mean green-backs, bucks, dollars, moola etc, ha ha ha.
That sounds great. Of course we can pay you handsomely, as long as the
count goes our way, if you know what I mean.
Very well then. I will give you
the most stylish and accurate re-count of the votes the world has ever seen, ha
Uh, I’m not sure you understand, Mr. Count. We’re not looking for accuracy, we already
have that. We’re looking for a certain
outcome. You know what I mean. We’re trying to cheat.
Cheat? You want The Count to come
up with the wrong count? This I cannot
do. For thousands of years I have been
known as the most stylish and accurate counter in the world. I cannot compromise my reputation with an
incorrect calculation, ha ha ha
Well, I can get a chimpanzee to give me an accurate re-count for peanuts.
I’m looking for certifiable results
Madame, I am personally insulted by your offer. No, no I will not be coming to Pennsylvania
to cheat, ha ha ha. Good Evening, (“click”,
he hangs up the phone)
(to herself after the call) Hmmm,
I wonder if chimps can be trained to cheat?
it looks like poor Jill’s misguided efforts to cheat are going to fail. Maybe next time she can get “the woods” vote
out to help her win.
Agent 54 here again.
I have really enjoyed Blitzed Wolfer’s series of interviews with his
intergalactic warrior guests. Let’s
check out the latest episode.
Thank you for joining me today for The Warrior’s Studio. Can you believe it’s our 6th
show? Ah, where does the time go? This week we have Leonard Vader of The Evil
Empire for you.
Mild mix of boos and clapping.
High Blitzed. It’s good to be
I understand that you are related to Darth Vader himself. What’s that like?
it’s pretty cool. Uncle Darth is pretty
busy most of the time but, we still find time to watch NFL football games together
Really. Fascinating. Tell us, what is Darth Vader’s favorite team?
the Oakland Raiders of course.
should have known. So, I have heard that
you work for your uncle.
Darth and Leonard at Raiders Game
That’s right. I’m in the Empire’s
Public Relations department. By the way
Blitzed, you introduced me as being of The Evil Empire. We prefer just The Empire. We don’t see ourselves as evil. Sure we’re firm but, I think we’ve been
misunderstood and poorly represented in the main stream media.
Firm? You guys created a “Death
Star” that destroys planets. That’s more
than a bit firm, don’t ya think.
Well, when you are trying to bring order to the chaos of some rebel
controlled galaxies, sometimes you have to break a few eggs. The Empire only destroys worlds for the good
of the universe.
you’re right. I don’t understand you
guys at all.
Blitzed, The Emperor has a grand plan and Darth Vader is just helping
him implement that plan. You media guys
need to trust in The Emperor. He’s only
thinking of all of us.
guess. I hope he’s not aiming the Death
Star at this planet “for my own good”.
ha, of course not, ha ha.
well, I’ll sleep better now, maybe. So,
let’s get back to you. As a relative of
Darth Vader, how do you use the power of “The Dark Side of The Force” to help
you do your job.
There you go again with your labels.
It’s just “The Force” Blitzed and I don’t use it. No, I just issue press releases and come on
shows like this one to get The Emperor’s message of peace and unity out there
you don’t have the ability to use “The Force” like your uncle?
Well, I tried it once. I tried
real hard but, it just made my ears ring and my hair fell out.
that why you wear that black helmet?
the helmet is standard Empire issue for my department. Did you know Uncle Darth designs all the
uniforms himself? He’s really a talented
and nice guy when you get to know him.
guess I’ll take your word for it.
Blitzed, I have to ask you about all those Empire Pizza boxes in your Green
room here. How did you get your hands on
so many of our Pepperoni Pizzas? You
know there’s been a shortage of Pepperoni Pizza due to a rash of EMPEX high-jackings
in this quadrant of the galaxy. I’ll
tell ya, stealing Uncle Darth’s pizzas, that’s evil and not very nice. You wouldn’t know anything about that would
Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today for The Warrior’s
Studio. Thank you for joining us
here at CAN, the Cable Ass Network.
oh, is this the final interview for Blitzed Wolfer?