Agent 54 : Is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. He works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. He reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
here again. It was movie day for the
gang and I again and despite some whining and moaning we saw Guardians of
the Galaxy Vol 2 instead of Chips.
As usual, we went to the pool afterward to voice our opinions. Here’s our review:
Well, leading off again, I have to say that despite how far-fetched the
story and characters are, I really enjoyed Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2.
Far-fetched? Man, you know what’s
far-fetched? You thinking anyone
believes you can take us all to the movies, comfortably, in that stupid little
car you got.
What? You never complain on the
way to the theater.
well I ain’t dumb. I don’t want you to
kick me out half way there. I ain’t
walkin to the movies.
Whatever! Getting back to the
movie, it was fun and rollicking space adventure with great scenery, great characters
and great music.
yeah, you know I liked Gamora. I dig
those red high-lights in her dark hair against her green skin. Yowsa!
Easy there Flip, have a little class.
Remember, this is a family show.
Now the character I liked the best was Ego who was played by Kurt
Russell. That dude had class, until he
told of his grand plan to remake the Universe and kill everybody. That wasn’t cool.
guys didn’t even mention the real star of the show. Baby Groot is as cute as me. I loved watching him dance to the 1980s
Rock-n-Roll while the rest of the group was fighting the ugly monster in the
beginning. Baby Groot is the coolest.
Yeah, Baby Groot stole the show at times. Of course my favorite character,
was played by Michael Rooker got killed in the end. I always enjoyed Rooker as an actor and the
rogue character of Quill’s stepdad and Captain of a ship of Ravagers was very
Cool? What? Do you remember that guy killed his whole
crew with that magic arrow that he controlled by whistling. Those guys were his buddies and he wiped them
Flip! They had a mutiny against
him and took over his ship. What the
heck would you do? Those bums got what
Yeah, a mutiny about a vehicle, like when someone criticizes the driver
and the car they’re riding all over the place in.
Shamu: Okay “Captain”. Man, you need to get over yourself.
Nemo: I like
Agent 54’s car.
you so small you can fit in the glove box with room to spare. Anyway, I want to say, before I get kicked out
of the pool for mutiny by “Captain” Agent 54, I loved the movie. I loved all the action and adventure and the
jokes and Rocket, played by Bradley Cooper, is my guy. That high-tech genius does and says what he
wants and he don’t care.
like Drax the Destroyer, played by Dave Bautista too. That guy is hilarious without even trying to
be funny. When he told that beautiful
new girl, Mantis, played by Pom Klementieff that she was ugly, that just
cracked me up.
Agent 54: I
think that’s what really works with these two Guardians of the Galaxy
movies. There is someone or something
the everyone can identify with. There’s a
character for everyone to pick as their favorite. I like the way they balance the bad guys and side
characters out too. You get Ego who is a
nearly undefeatable God-like villain versus the egotistic and yet goofy Sovereigns
and then the divided Ravagers sects.
Truly a diverse group as you would imagine the Universe really is.
Gee, that was a deep and almost scientific analysis of the move, and BOOORING!
Drax The Destroyer
Agent 54: Aw,
don’t start that crap again. Just give
me your Starfish.
Starfish, I dug it.
Starfish all day.
Starfish for Baby Groot. Hooray!
4 Starfish. I don’t think they
had to kill that Classy Ego guy. Couldn’t
they try talkin to the guy, maybe a little psycho-therapy?
Agent 54: Uh,
yeah, I guess. I give it 5 Starfish too and
I can’t wait to see the next one and next time Shamu, you can take the bus to
here again. Well, Saturday was Kentucky
Derby day in America and that means funny hats, Mint Julips and horseys. I always wanted a pony. I never wanted a race horse. Just an old steed with no name as a buddy to
wonder about the dessert with. Anyway, I
got to spy on group of friends who were wearing funny hats, sipping Mint Julips
and discussing the event. Here’s my
building looks like a large stable but, inside it’s a horse racing themed bar
with lots of wood furniture, wooden bar and lots of pictures of horses and
jockey and lots of horse racing paraphernalia on the walls. A group of friends occupies most of the bar. It’s several hours before the race.
boy, I can’t wait to bet $100 on “McCraken”.
You know Tim McCraken was a mean
Ice Hockey player in the old movie “Slapshot” and I think “McCraken” is a mean
horse and it takes a mean horse to win The Kentucky Derby.
don’t take no mean horse to win the race.
It takes a fast horse. Hey
Donkey, where’d you get that stupid hat?
Man, it looks like a dollar store shower curtain.
What? I got it at the race track
gift shop. It’s a nice hat. They said everyone would be wearing
them. Why ain’t you got no hat on?
Sheesh, hats are for domesticated animals.
Mr. Ed (to Flicka)
Whoa there. Well, Aren’t you Mr.
Wild and Free. I got a hat on just to
feel like more of a part of the festivities.
Nobody cares what it looks like.
Si, a fancy sombrero is just part of the fun. Say Mr. Donkey, isn’t it your turn to buy the
next round of Tequila?
Indeed, it is my turn to buy but, we ain’t drinking no Tequila. Bartender!
A round of Mint Julips for my friends.
I love Kentucky Derby Day and I love my new hat and I love Mint Julips.
good hat was always very important for the Lone Ranger. Now, Donkey’s hat choice was very smart. He knew we’d be drinking all these Mint
With that hat, Donkey
never has to worry about having a place to puke.
the horses, donkeys, burros, mules ect..in the bar crack up laughing except
poor ole Donkey.
Donkey (under his breath) I don’t care what they say, this is a nice
hat and I ain’t ever gonna puke in it.
Don’t let them get to ya, Donkey.
They’re just kidding and their hats are no
better than yours.
Roy Rogers and Trigger
Ed’s hat is better, if you’re into hats and running with the crowd.
forget the hats. What do you guys think
of “Fast an Accurate” in this race? He’s
getting 34-1 odds.
and Accurate”? Is that a horse or a
secretary in the steno pool? I like “Gunnevera”
Baba Looey: Si,
“Gunnevera” is going to win the race.
you are Baba, give me a hoof-pump.
(don’t try hoof-pumps at home)
guys are nuts! “Untrapped” is gonna ride
a wave of pure Freedom to victory and make me very rich at 80-1.
Mr. Ed: Yeah,
then you can buy that house in the suburbs you always wanted, eh Flicka?
way! After “Untrapped” wins, you guys
will never see me again.
Oye, do not quit your day job, Mr. Flicka.
at the bar cracks up laughing again.
after the race at the same bar with the same friends and everyone is a little
wetter, a little drunker and a little poorer.
Donkey: Man, I
knew I should have bet on number 5.
Number 5 has always been my favorite number. Cinco de Mayo has always been favorite
holiday. Yeah, number 5 all the way.
Mr. Ed: Yeah
Donkey, I guess “McCraken” was all he was “McCrakened” up to be.
“McCraken” sounds like something you get for breakfast at a fast food place,
not a fast horse.
Baba Looey: Mr.
Flicka, I’m sorry “Untrapped” didn’t win.
Do you need Quicksdraw and me to help you find a new job?
off shorty, That race was fixed by the
same corporations that enslave you guys and you don’t even know it.
well, “Gunnevera” turned out to be a real refugee from the glue factory.
and “Fast and Accurate” was actually “Slow and Sloppy”. Hey Ed,
Lone Ranger and Silver
You’re a know-it-all. Who’d you blow your money on?
(slurring his words) Shoot! I paid $20 for a tip for the name of some nag
that I’m not sure if it really ran in the race.
I think I had too many Mint Julips.
Hey Donkey! Quick, gimme your haaaaat!
your own damn hat! This is a nice
hat. I’m keepin this hat and I’m gonna
wear it every day to remind me of the fun I had with my friends here today,
So none of this
equestrian gang could pick the winner.
Congratulations to “Always Dreaming” and better luck next year to the
here again with another installment of Blitzed Wolfer’s terrific interview
series.Who knew Blitzed would outlast
interview subject is kind of a happy accident and a social experiment at the
same time. Let’s check out what
Knucklehead Ned, formerly of the infamous Spacebeard crew, is up to now.
Welcome to The Warrior’s Studio for our 7th edition. I bumped into Knucklehead Ned, the former First Mate
for the infamous space pirate, Spacebeard and he graciously agreed to join us
here today. Please welcome Knucklehead
Ned: Aye, how
Quite well. I noticed you seem to
have an unique way of expressing yourself
Knuckle, or do you prefer Head or, uh,
I apologize, what do I call you?
Ned: Argh Ned,
will do just fine and fuggettaboutit!
it seems that you have picked up some of the local vernacular in your brief
stay here in New York City.
Ned: No, the
wench at the clinic said I was doin ahh-ight.
I meant that you have adopted some of the phrasing and accents found here.
I’ve loined a ting or two from my new
mateys in the Savage Skulls club of da
my, the Savage Skulls? Aren’t they a
vicious criminal gang?
I’d say they be more like mischievous than vicious, ya know what I’m sayin?
exactly but, let’s move on. Okay so, do
you miss your swashbuckling about the galaxy days with Spacebeard? Tell me why you left your crew.
the question be, why did they leave me? Aye,
sometimes I do miss microwaving the Captain’s Pepperoni Pizza and hanging out
with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers but, me new mateys and I be chillin in the crib and smokin blunts. Yo Ho! It’s more fun than a barrel of space rum.
you’re not going to rejoin Spacebeard and pilfer Pepperoni Pizzas from Darth
Vader and the Empire anymore?
I’m sure when they get to noticin I ain’t around and when the coast is clear,
Captain Spacebeard will come about to beam me aboard and it’ll be just like
well, the coast better be very clear because we just got rid a nosey official
from The Empire who was asking a lot of questions about stolen Pepperoni
You know, snitches get stitches. What exactly did you tell da man?
don’t worry. I made up a BS story about
a failed investment in an Italian restaurant in Queens. He bought it hook line and sinker.
Ned: Aye, I
did hear that ye be full-a-shit but, I
better not hear nuttin about you singin like no boid.
Honestly, I didn’t tell ’em nuttin,,,I
mean anything. I can keep my
beak,,,uh,,, mouth shut.
Ned: Aye, of
course ye can. Hey don’t get noivous, fuggettaboutit!
Wow! Who woulda thunk a few dozen stolen Pepperoni
Pizzas would still be giving Blitzed indigestion all these months later.
Agent 54 here again.
We at the NSA under the DORD, picked up some strange communications from
very very very far away and I had to analyze it. It appears that the communications are coming
from a couple of the new exoplanets that astronomers are finding in our own
Milky Way galaxy. Exoplanets are planets
that orbit stars other than our Sun. The
really strange part is that the decoded messages are not from beings on these
planets but, from the planets themselves.
Yeah, I know, really weird.
Here’s my report.
Exoplanet Wolf 1061 (Wolf) is chatting with
Exoplanet Kepler 442 B (Keps)
Keps, whazzzzz uppppp?
you know same ole, same ole, orbitin and rotatin. Hey, you been checking out that weird solar
system with that planet with the humans on it again?
Wolf: Yeah, a
little. Tell the truth I get bored with Earth. Too stable for my tastes. You know I like little red hotties like
Venus. You know her surface is about 900
Kepler 442 B
yeah, she could keep you warm at night.
You know my favorite is Saturn. I
dig those groovy rings. Outta sight!
you always fall for those big stinky gas giants. I mean, I know they’re colorful but, dating
them is like going out to a cosmic porta-potty, ain’t it?
up! You know your Venus has a thick
stinky atmosphere too. Hey no planet is
well I never tried to score with no giant ice queen like Neptune or
Uranus. Remember when Uranus gave you
the cold shoulder?
you listen to yourself? Talking like
some kinda intergalactic Romeo or something.
You ain’t even got what it takes to attract a moon yet. Let me know when you got someone orbiting
night and day and then we’ll take about the laws of attraction.
Shiiit! That slimy, dirty pile a
debris you got orbiting you is nothing but a cosmic dumping sight. That thing is the trailer trash of the
just jealous of my trailer trash cuz you ain’t even got that. Anyway, when you gonna make a move on
Venus? You know, she ain’t getting no
I’m a planet with a plan. I’m just waiting
till the time is right and our systems are just the right distance from each
other, then boom! I use a volcano to
send her some of my life forms.
be careful. With that thick and hot
atmosphere of hers, she’s likely to crush and fry your little “gifts of life”.
Com’on! You know I thought of
that. I’m gonna send her some extreme
life-forms that can survive and thrive all over my little Venus.
well good luck with that. Me, I’m
looking forward to the day I can look Saturn in the eye and tell her how
beautiful she is.
and if that don’t work out, you can look Jupiter in her big red eye and tell
her you love her too.
jerk! You know nobody likes that big fat
ya mean? She’s a big stinky gas ball
too. Ain’t that your style?
really are a jerk, there Wolf. Why do I
talk to you?
This opens up a whole new field of investigation for my NSA under the
DORD.I’m sure everyone in the Universe
is going to want to know what the other planets are thinking about their
celestial neighbors.I could end up with
a TV show on the Bravo Network or something.
here again.I was eggxcited to get this
colorful phone call between the foremost distributor of Easter Eggs and the
head of the Egg Manufacturing Union.Seems that one side wants a new deal.Will these guys be able to resolve their differences before Easter
Sunday?Let’s hope so for the children’s
Here’s my report.
A Bunny Secretary speaks into her bosses
intercom: EB, I have Chicky Hoffa from
the EMU on line one.
Easter Bunny (EB):
(sarcastically) Great, just what
I need. Okay, I got it.
EB clicking line one: Hey Chicky, how are ya? What can I do for ya.
Chicky Hoffa, head of the EMU: Hi EB.
You know we’re busy as heck trying to build up your inventory for this
year’s Easter season.
EB: Yes, and
we appreciate all of your hard work. We’re
working around the clock here to get ready too.
well frankly, we at the EMU think you could appreciate us a little more and I
don’t mean chicken scratch either.
EB: Now wait
a minute here Chicky, we just made a new deal in 2015, We still got 4 years on our contract. I’m afraid I can’t hop up to the plate to
make a new deal at this time.
Chicky: (in an elevated tone) Hey fur-ball, you know that ever since the
stupid HOP movie came out, demand for our eggs has doubled. My hens are working overtime and we need a
bigger slice of the pie if you want us to keep up with demand. We want more of the recognition for Easter
too. After all we make the darn things.
EB: No need
for insults, Chicky. I’m sure you
realize that if it weren’t for me you would have almost no demand, I’m the face of your product and let’s not forget
my expenses. I have designers, artists,
distribution and administrative staff to pay.
Chicky: I don’t
give a fart about that and I still can’t figure out how you made humans believe
that a bunny would deliver decorated chicken eggs. You know, I got an idea. I just might create an Easter Chicken and knock
your cotton tail right out of this whole industry. How’s that sound?
EB: Is that a
threat? Cause you may not know this but
I’ve been talking to Donald Duck and he says that between his ducks and a bunch
of quails he’s organized, I can get more than enough eggs to fill my orders.
that what we’re doin here? Usin
words? Words like ducks and quails? Is that what we’re doin?
calm down here. We’ve been in business
together too long to throw it all away now.
Truth is we got a good thing going here and we should be able to figure
out how to keep it going.
well I just wanted to remind you that the Lucky Rabbit’s foot industry is
starting to take off again. Say, how
well do you hop on 3 legs?
this is getting ugly now. Look let’s
talk turkey at our next board meeting. I’ll
buy you a drink and we can sit down and discuss things like civilized, professional,
Okay, I’ll be there but remember, I ain’t exactly 100% domesticated
either. I’m warning you, don’t tweak my
EB: Yes, of
course not. You know, I’ve always had
the utmost respect for you and your Union.
I’ll see ya at the meeting.
Cow! I can’t wait to listen in on that
here again.My wife dragged me and my movie
buddies to see LA LA Land starring Emma Stone as Mia and Ryan Gosling as
Sebastian (Seb) today.It was a more
believable movie than 50 Shades of whatever and I'm sure the dance numbers were
better too.Surprisingly, we all seemed
to enjoy LA LA Land.
another of our poolside reviews.
Scene: Agent 54 is sitting at a poolside table with
a soda, notebook and a pen, Everyone
else is in the pool relaxing.
Well, as usual, I have to start things off . To tell the truth I thought LA LA Land
was going to be the typical boring “chick-flick” that my wife makes me sit
through from time to time so I can get to watch great movies like Sharknado
and District 9.
went in with an open mind and actually enjoyed the movie. I found the dance scenes to be colorful and
energetic. I enjoyed the scenes filmed
in and around Hollywood and the movie made me want to go back there for
vacation again. Much of the movie
brought the viewers back to the golden age of Hollywood musicals and the music
was good, especially if you enjoy jazz.
Carol (Mrs. Agent 54): I liked the story except at the end when the
guy and the girl didn’t end up together. I thought that was sad.
maybe but, they be keepin it real.
Nobody in Hollywood stays hooked up for very long. I really enjoyed John Legend’s vibe as the
leader of the band that Seb joined.
Yeah, well, I liked Emma Stone.
She’s one of the cutest little Hollywood starfish in the sea.
Oh boy. You still got no class,
Flip. Last movie we saw you got a crush
on Isla Fisher and that’s all you remember about the flick.
what can I say. I’m a suckerfish for
little Redhead Herrings.
Yeah, getting back to the movie, I have to agree with Shamu. The underlying message of LA LA Land was
one of the sacrifice and commitment needed to make your dreams come true.
I say Mia has no class either. I
mean, after they split up Seb intercepts an audition call-back for Mia and he
drives off to Colorado to drag her to the audition which makes all her dreams
come true. What does she do for
him? She gets rich and famous and forgets
all about him and marries some French guy.
Carol: OMG! He
wasn’t a French guy and she helped Seb with his career before by telling him to
chase his dreams and play his own music no matter what.
Shiiit! Seb was gonna make it no
matter what. That guy can play the piano
like nobody’s business.
Hey, take it easy Shamu. That’s
my wife you’re takin to.
Whatever, I’m just sayin he did a lot more for her than she did for him
and that’s the damn straight skippy.
I enjoyed the scene on the Santa Monica pier when Seb is singing. You know, I used to swim near there all the
time but, you got to keep your distance from the pier. Nasty fishing hooks and that kinda crap all
gets out of the pool and wraps a towel herself.
I’m heading back to the house to make dinner.
I’ve had enough of hanging around with this riff raff. You comin, Agent 54?
Agent 54: In
a minute. Gotta finish writing this up. Hey, how many Starfish?
Carol: 3 out
of 5. It was good, not great.
for Mia, er uh Emma Stone.
Starfish all day long. I liked it.
I give it a classy 4 Starfish and I would watch it again.
Agent 54: I
have to give it 4 Starfish too. I have
to admit, I was entertained.
Shiiit! Agent 54 liked a “chick-flick”
more than his wife, ha ha ha.
Agent 54: Who
you making fun of, you gave it 4 too.
Anyway, the movie averaged 3.6 Starfish.
Not bad for a “chick-flick”.
Scene: After Carol leaves, Agent 54 closes his
notebook and slowly takes off his Hawaiian shirt,then shouts,,,
the biggest splash in the history of that pool, Agent 54 comes up for air.
Agent 54: So,
Chips is gonna be a classic comedy.
Okay then, Chips, starring Dax Sheppard and Michael Pena it is.