Agent 54 : Is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. He works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. He reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
Agent 54 here
again. I was required to attend a very
important BSers (Brotherhood of Secret Electronically Recorded Surveillances)
Union, Local Chapter 1099, meeting for my job at the NSA under the DORD. Oye Vay!
Here’s my report.
union hall with hundreds of audience seats and small stage with a podium and 6
chairs flanking it on each side. There
are many flags behind the podium and chairs and a portrait of the union
President is hanging above center stage.
As the union members are milling about and filling the seats, Inspector
Gadget takes the podium.
Alright everybody, settle down. I
want to get this meeting started on time.
Flo walks up
to the podium from the side of the stage.
She is wearing her official BSers Union jacket with the official seal on
she’s walking) Com’on Inspector Gadget, you know I’m the head of
our local. This is my meeting. Git!
Gadget off the stage.
Flo: Alright everybody,
we get enough BS doing our jobs so I want to cut the crap and get right to the
results of the election of this year’s negotiating team for the BSers Local
1099. Okay, let’s settle down and get to
union members politely applauds and settles down. Agent 54 is seated next to John Rambo in the
middle of the audience.
Agent 54 (to John Rambo): I sure hope I was elected to the team.
Rambo (to Agent 54):
Me too. I hope they didn’t elect
a bunch of butt-kissers like last year.
I’m going to read the list of winners.
As I call your name, come join me on the stage and take a seat. Here we go.
As Flo reads
the names there are various cheers and even some jeers and the room gets noisy. As Flo goes on the jeering gets louder. When Flo is done Agent 54 and Rambo have
looks of stunned disappointment on their faces.
What the hell!
the hell! Who the heck voted for them
Agent 54: I
demand a recount! Can I demand a
recount? What the hell?
I dunno. What the hell can we do?
Agent 54: How
are those knuckleheads going to negotiate?
I mean, the language
barrier alone is a reason to vote for someone else,
I mean El Guapo is going to be a real problem on that team.
Well actually, I was thinking of the Minions. I mean, what the hell language do they speak
there’s that and you know I love Billy Idol but, com’on.
Right! Who’s going to keep Billy
sober for the negotiations?
Gadget startles us by suddenly appearing next to us.
Take it easy boys. This election
was rigged from the start. Why else do
you think I’m not up there.
could think of a few reasons.
Wait! What the hell? You mean you knew who was going to win before
we voted? (Stuttering with anger) An, an, and why would someone rig it to have
the phreaking Geico Gecko on the team? Tha, tha, that don’t make no sense!
Believe me boys, there’s no one on that team that wasn’t hand-picked by
the union President.
startles us again by suddenly appearing.
Well, I knew there was something fishy when I saw Charlie Tuna up on the
At the sight
of the Joker, Agent 54 grabs his head because a painful memory of a previous
team building “accident” just came rushing back to him.
Boys, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll forget this election and
just support the negotiating team,
Gadget gets up and walks away and The Joker is gone too. A stunned Agent 54 turns to Rambo.
What the hell just happened?
think we was just sent a message.
Agent 54: What
the hell are we going to do.
this “we” crap? I’m going to keep my
mouth shut and go with the flow.
us again by appearing out of nowhere.
good advice. You best take it, Agent
54. Com’on, let me buy you a Dr. Pepper.
Yeah uh, I guess, Uh, alright,
uh, go team go.
Agent 54 lost another one. Oh well,
there’s always next year. Just got to
figure out who’s butt to kiss. “Go team
I got up early to take pictures at sunrise of this old church in Guadalupe Arizona. I was told it is the Church of The Three Saints or Iglesia de Tres Santos.
The inside of The Church of Three Saints was simple and beautiful. I love all the wood and the Ocotillo Cactus used for the ceiling.
This Shrine was very interesting too.
I enjoyed the changing of the colors the play of the shadows as the sun rose.
Sun rising across the parking lot and the ball-field from the church. The small light on the left side in the darkness is a fire pit. Three amigos apparently stayed out all night drinking and telling tall tales around the campfire.
I jumped out
of bed at 3am this morning in a minor
frenzy because I felt compelled to tell the world my thoughts on Goats.
I know what
you and your friends from your local snark tank are thinking. You’re thinking “goats?, who cares about
goats?”. Exactly! Goats have a sneaky, nefarious and undue
influence on mankind and most of us aren’t
even aware of it. It’s time to examine the mysteries and motives
of these barnyard “animals”.
The next time you are in a petting zoo, take a close look at a Goat. You’ll see that their eyes are too far apart
and they look like a shark’s eyes and they have horns. Would you trust a person that looked like
this? Indeed Goats look like they were made
by Lucifer and are certainly not one of God’s creations. Why do they have horns anyway and what about
Goat’s milk and Goat Cheese? Don’t Cows
already produce enough high quality dairy products? Why is Goat Cheese more expensive and where
does that extra revenue go? Do these
facts add up to some kind of sinister plot?
Let us continue the examination.
you can often become a “Goat” or a “Hero” in the course of one play in one
game.Bill Buckner ofthe Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs is the perfect
example ofthis.As you may know, Buckner was an All-star
player at times in his long career but forever became a Goat to Red Sox Nation
when he misplayed one crucial ground ball in the 1986 World Series.Of course everyone knows the tale of The Curse of Billy the Goat.It seems that the owner of the
Billy Goat Tavern in Chicago was kicked out of a Cubs game because the pet goat
he brought was stinking up the joint.Goat
owner Billy Sianis cursed the Cubs and they have been a joke of Major League
Baseball ever since.Is it a coincidence
that Bill Buckner once played for the Cubs?I don’t think so.
What about the Rolling Stones?The
Stones have always been accused of being under the influence of Satan.Their Goat’s Head Soup album was inspired by
that delicacy they experienced while recording in Jamaica.Why?Jamaica is an Island.Why didn’t
they eat fish or shrimp instead of Goat?Why would anyone eat Goat?Why
indeed, the mystery deepens.
What about Goat behavior? Some people keep them because they are
natural lawn mowers but, truth is they will eat almost anything. Why do Goats scream like escaped lunatics for
Insurance company TV commercials? What
are they telling us there? Have you seen
the You Tube videos showing “Goat Tipping”?
No, it’s not giving a tip to a bad waiter. That’s “Donkey tipping”. It’s actually easy for humans to startle Goats
and cause them to faint and fall over on their side. Goat Tipping is fun for the whole family and
it’s much safer than cow tipping but, it makes me wonder what is the motivation
behind this strange behavior?
Most of us humans have been subconsciously
influence by Goats and we don’t even realize it. I myself have been sporting a Goatee beard and
rooting for the Minnesota Vikings, because they have horns, since I was 8 years
old. I have even glued a pair of horns to an Arizona Cardinals hat and taken
my one and only selfie while wearing my horns.
What else but, overdue Goat influence could possibly explain this
strangeness? Is it some kind of bovine-human
Why did Jim Breuer play “Goat Boy”
on TVs Saturday Night Live program?
That could be dismissed as just bad programming by a lousy network and a
mediocre comedian,,,or was it,,,Goat influence?
You be the judge.
In conclusion, I want you to
think twice about what you’re doing before you buy a pigmy Goat for the kids or sit
around a campfire at night making s’mores and telling Goat stories. Ask yourself why you chose to have a pet Goat? What, aren’t Cats and Penguins cute enough? What compelled you to make that decision? Is there something sinister going on between
Goats and the Human Race? I say, stay
vigilant my friends and never ever ever trust a Goat.
Agent 54 here again.
Today I heard another of Blitzed
Wolfer’s great interviews. It was with
Bernie Sanders and his band “The Jets”.
They were warming up for an evening show in a small auditorium on a
small college campus. Here’s my report.
stage in a small auditorium on a small college campus. A band is tuning and setting up their
equipment. The keyboard player is none
other than Bernie Sanders who is actually still in a Presidential Primary race. Blitzed Wolfer and his film crew approach
Candidate Sanders with the microphone and a camera.
Hi ya, Bernie.
Well, if it isn’t my old friend Mr. Wolfer. How ya been you old dog?
Fine, so tell me, how’s the band sounding?
they try hard but, they ain’t The Beatles and I’m no John Lennon, I’ll tell ya that.
Isn’t that Billy-Bob Jones who used to play with the Allman Brothers in
the 70s, playing bass for you?
that’s Bobby Smith who played with the Almond Brothers or some other nuttballs
a long time ago. I dunno, who can
are you here just to get away from the stress of the campaign trail for a
and ya know, I gotta pay the bills too.
I was going to ask you about that. I
heard the ticket price for this little event was $250.00. Isn’t that a little steep for a band that is “not
Schmeep! What, don’t I have a right to
earn a decent living?
Well, of course you do but, you know you are the one always preaching about
how everything should be free for everybody.
Isn’t there some hypocrisy in charging such a high
price to these kids here who will be struggling to pay their student loans?
– Schmippo! These kids coming here
tonight represent the 1% that can come out to our show. Let’s just consider the 250 clams a Tax on
the rich. They have to pay their fair
share so the other kids don’t have to hear how bad we really are.
what if the 1% kids decide they want to go to the show down the street that is
charging $25.00 to hear a much better band?
we’ll throw those bastards in jail!
that makes no sense. If you jail the
kids for not seeing your show, they can’t go to either show and both bands go
Bernie: Broke-Schmoke! We’ll throw them in jail and make them pay a $500.00
fine to the Government and then the Government can pay my band to perform in
the jail and everybody is happy.
Happy-Schmappy! What about the
innocent American kids you jailed and forced to hear your band?
Bernie: To hell
with them. They shouldn’t have been in
yeah, uh, well, I gotta go now. (under his breath and to his film crew) let’s
get the heck out of here. The Crazy is
getting a little deep in here.
I’ll see you later for the show and don’t forget your $250 bucks and that goes
for your crew too.
Wow! I guess we learned something about Socialist
Economic Policy or Economic Socialist Policy or maybe just plain old Insanity.
here again. I got to listen in on a
phone call between two famous brothers.
The big brother Ronald, is a highly successful entrepreneur in the
restaurant industry. The little brother
Norm, is an actor – comedian. Here’s my
report on what the McDonald brothers were talking about.
little brother. How are you?
Ron, I’m good. What’s up?
I’ve seen your TV adds where you dress up as Colonel Sanders for KFC. I still can’t get my red head around the fact
that you’re working to promote one of my biggest competitors. I mean, really?
it’s work. You know I was having a hard
time getting gigs in this country. What
the heck! You can’t blame me for wanting
to make a buck, for cripes sake.
com’on little bro. I mean, you know I offered you The Hamburgler
role. We could have been working
Hamburgler! Are you serious? I’m 6’1” tall, for cryin out loud. I can’t play a mumbling midget criminal in a
mask! I mean that would have been the
final nail in the coffin of my career, for freakin sure.
call him a midget. The Hamburgler is a
Whatever! I mean, If I played him
we both could end up waiting tables and sleepin on the beach in Costa Rica.
com’on. You’re exaggerating and besides,
there’s nothing wrong with waiting tables.
Customer service is a noble endeavor.
Norm: Who are
you to judge me anyway? I mean, you sit
there in your McMansion eating French fries all day long and you never gain any
weight. How the heck is that even
possible, for the love of secret sauce?
I work out!
Ronny, the folks at KFC pay me good and they think I’m funny so get off my
back. I mean, you had your chance to
throw me a bone or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and you blew it.
what will Mom think? Two brothers
working directly against each other.
It’s just not right.
Norm: Mom will
be proud when she sees my paycheck.
Besides, you’re doing great without me.
You don’t need me. What’s this
really all about?
you know? It’s all about family. You’re my little brother. I miss you and I care about you. Listen, let’s get together this weekend and
do lunch at Mom’s house. She misses you
yeah, I guess. Yeah, I’ll come. Should I bring a something to eat? Extra Crispy?
(sarcastically) Yeah, Ha ha. You
always thought you were the funny one.
I hope these two can patch things up for the family’s sake.
In 2011 when
I was on vacation in Lake Tahoe, a young comedian named Kyle Cease called Agent
54 up on the stage at the Improv, to help him with his act. I was able to help him get a few laughs and
so started my comedy career. So far, I
haven’t earned a dime in comedy but, maybe I’ve made a few people chuckle.
That’s fine with me.
I’ve had the
outline of a stand-up routine in my head for years now. Finally I’m going to actually write it. I know what you’re thinking. Calm down, you just have to wait a little
longer. Okay, just a little longer
now. Okay here it is.
here all the way from the NSA under the DORD, how about a big hand for Agent 54.
Agent 54: Hi
everyone, I know you’re doing great or they wouldn’t let you in here
tonight. I’m Agent 54 and this is my
first time on stage in front of people and,,(Agent 54 freezes in terror
clutching the mic with both hands and wearing a bug-eyed stare of terror
straight out into the audience for about 3 seconds.)
(Snapping back into his slick and confident comedian mode) Hey, but really, I’ve got nothing to be
worried about. There’s only two ways
this can go. Either I knock you dead and
we all have a good time and the owner is happy and he invites me back and a
Hollywood agent sees me and I sign a big movie deal and become a rich and
famous comedian with a great big expensive car and a mansion with a pool full
of Hollywood Starlets or it’s back to Friday nights sitting on the couch
watching re-runs of Saved By the Bell. I can’t
Agent 54: (Looking
at one particular audience member in the front row.) I know, you wish you were me, don’t you? (Agent 54 gives the audience a wink.)
Agent 54: So,
have any of you noticed that I’m bald?
Yes, it’s true. Fact, I have more
hair on my face than my head. I like
being bald. It forces you to have a
sense of humor.
Heckler from the Audience: You Stink!
Agent 54: (To
the Heckler) Thanks Dad.
Everyone, how about a hand for my Dad.
Heckler: I’m not your dad and you stink!
Agent 54: Isn’t
he great. He’s always been my biggest
supporter. (To the Heckler) Thanks for
coming out tonight. Kiss Mom for me.
Laughs. Agent 54: So, you know how people are always saying "I take one day at a time"? Not me. I take 2 days at a time. That's why I look so young at age 56. Audience: Moderate Laughs. Agent 54: That was a math joke. It's okay if you don't get it. Audience: Moderate Laughs.
Agent 54: So,
any Liars here tonight? Everybody
lies. Raise your hand if you occasionally
tell a lie. Okay, I’m going to count, 1,2,3 okay 27. Wait a
minute. Not everybody raised their
hand. You Pinocchio’s are lying about
lying. I can see noses growing from
here. Hey!, Sir, that’s nota nose. Oye, Put that away. This is a family show.
America loves lies. I say as an
American, Lie Big or go home. In my 20s I found myself at a party at friend’s
apartment. Trying to impress a half
drunk young party girl and knowing my buddy would back me up on any lie I cared
to tell, I took the little honey to my friend’s fish tank. “See those fish?” I asked her. “I caught them, with my bare hands!”She
was pretty impressed, that is until my buddy came over. He just had to top me. “See that seaweed?” he asked the drunken
cutie. “I got it from the bottom of a
frozen lake, on Mars!” Wow! My buddy
was claiming to have proof of extra-terrestrial life in his fish tank. What a
Agent 54: Well,
that little drunkie was no Rocket Surgeon, so guess who got the girl that
Agent 54: Oh
boy, I’m getting the signal to wrap it up so the next guy can come out here. I don’t know what the rush is. He’s nowhere near as funny as me.
Agent 54 here again.
I got to listen in on another of
Blitzed Wolfer’s interviews this week.
Blitzed flew out to Arizona to find The Scarecrow, The Tinman and The
Cowardly Lion, who are still good buddies after all these years. Let’s catch up with our old friends.
Hello again, this is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN and I’m here in Chandler,
Arizona at the location of the CLTMSC
Security LLC company. I’m here to find
out how our old buddies from The Wizard of OZ are doing. Let’s go inside.
it looks like a typical Bail Bondsman’s office with wanted posters and a
general law enforcement theme. The
Cowardly Lion greets Blitzed.
Hi, how ya doin?
Hello Mr. Lion. We spoke on the
phone about the interview.
Of course we did. C’mon in. Make yourself comfortable. Ya know, you can call me CL.
Blitzed: Thank you CL. So, where are the other guys?
CL: Oh, TM,
uh, that’s the Tinman, he’s out collecting a bail jumper. Ya know the Tinman always gets his man, ah ha
ha, that’s clever…and The Scarecrow?
CL: Oh, he’s
in the back office, numbers crunching as usual.
you guys all work here?
CL: Yeah, we
created this business together. I’m the
front lion and I manage and train our security guard employees. Ya know, since I found my courage, I’ve
really gotten good at this self-defense type stuff.
see, it looks like you’re doing well here.
Why did the three of you come to Arizona?
Cl: Oh, well,
ya know, after that whole Wicked Witch of the West fiasco, we had to get the
heck out of The Emerald City in a hurry!
Really? I thought you guys were
big heroes there. What happened?
CL: Oh yeah,
the people loved us and I was elected King of the Forrest and all but, then the
lawsuits started. That darned WWW has
about 50 cousins and half of them are lawyers.
I ain’t scared a nuttin no more except lawyers. Damn lawyers!
don’t blame you. So, do you ever hear
The Tinman comes through the front door, without his
CL: TM! Where’s your guy?
TM: Sorry CL,
I found him but, you know he has a family and he has to work the night shift to
earn the money to pay for day care for the kids and…
of TM) Ya let him go again.
TM: Sorry CL.
this happen often?
often! TM, how many times have I told
you? Ya have to control that over-sized heart of yours. SC is going to have a
The Scarecrow comes out of the back room wearing a
green account’s visor, pencil behind his ear and holding a financial ledger in
his arms. He looks up over his reading
Tinman! Your back. Where is he?
TM: Sorry SC.
(angrily) I don’t believe
it. Now how do you expect me to pay for
your annual rust proofing? Honestly, you
give migraines and I don’t even have a brain.
The Tinman starts to weep.
TM a tissue) Cut it out. It’ll be okay.
The Scarecrow rushes back into his office and slams
the door behind him.
CL: Take it
easy TM. You know SC is a worrier. It will all be okay.
TM: I dunno,
he looked pretty mad. You know, I think
he still resents me for insisting we come to Arizona.
Nonsense! He knows that if we
stayed in Kansas, you would have rusted to death by now and he’d still be out
standing in a field.
Pardon me for interrupting but, is this business in trouble?
CL: Well, in
this “Obama Recovery” nobody is doing great but, we’ll get by. Hey, thanks for coming out Blitzed and tell
all your friends to call CLTMSC Security LLC for all their security needs.
Blitzed:Thank you CL.Well that raps it
up.This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN from
Chandler, Arizona saying “thanks for watching”.
flying monkeys! I had no idea those guys
were in Arizona. Stay tuned to Agent 54
to see who Blitzed Wolfer interviews next.