Sunday, December 4, 2016

The Count and the Re-Count

The Count
  Agent 54 here again.  Well, just when everyone was wanting to forget the wild and at times, stupid campaign 2016 season, some idiot decided to keep the madness going.  This sparked a phone call between The Count and the leader of the Greens.  Here’s my report on that conversation and situation.

  The two people on the phone couldn’t be more different.  First, there is Green Party Candidate Jill Stein.  She “decided” to demand a re-count in the 3 states closely won by Donald Trump in what appears to be a dubious effort to help Hillary Clinton.  Stein received no percent of the vote herself because, as it turns out, trees can’t vote.   

Jill Stein 
Second, there is The Count of Sesame street fame.  The Count is known for being a snappy dresser and counting everything from telephone poles to light sockets with the utmost style and accuracy.  Some have suggested that The Count enjoys his job a little too much.  Could that be possible?

Here’s the call.

Jill Stein:  Hello, this is Jill Stein of the Green Party, we’re clean, mean and Green.  How can I help you?

The Count:  Good evening:  I am The Count ha ha ha.  I heard you may be looking for someone to help you re-count votes.  I am the greatest counter of them all, ha ha ha.

Jill Stein:  That’s correct.  We’re looking for talented people in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania to help us get the result we’re looking for, if you know what I mean.

The Count:  Vundabar!  I’m already here in Transylvania and I can start right away.  Tell me, how much does this re-counting pay? ha ha ha

Jill Stein:  Oh no, nobody voted in Transylvania. we need the votes re-counted in the State of Pennsylvania of the USA.  Can you relocate for a while, Mr. Count?

The Count:  Yes, yes I can relocate, if the “Green count” is right, ha ha ha, and by “Green count” I mean green-backs, bucks, dollars, moola etc, ha ha ha.

Jill Stein:  That sounds great. Of course we can pay you handsomely, as long as the count goes our way, if you know what I mean.

The Count:  Very well then.  I will give you the most stylish and accurate re-count of the votes the world has ever seen, ha ha ha.

Jill Stein:  Uh, I’m not sure you understand, Mr. Count.  We’re not looking for accuracy, we already have that.  We’re looking for a certain outcome.  You know what I mean.  We’re trying to cheat.

The Count:  Cheat?  You want The Count to come up with the wrong count?  This I cannot do.  For thousands of years I have been known as the most stylish and accurate counter in the world.  I cannot compromise my reputation with an incorrect calculation, ha ha ha

Jill Stein:  Well, I can get a chimpanzee to give me an accurate re-count for peanuts.  I’m looking for certifiable results here.

The Count:  Madame, I am personally insulted by your offer.  No, no I will not be coming to Pennsylvania to cheat, ha ha ha.  Good Evening, (“click”, he hangs up the phone)

Jill Stein:  (to herself after the call)  Hmmm, I wonder if chimps can be trained to cheat?

Well, it looks like poor Jill’s misguided efforts to cheat are going to fail.  Maybe next time she can get “the woods” vote out to help her win. 

Sunday, November 27, 2016

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. VI

Leonard Vader
  Agent 54 here again.  I have really enjoyed Blitzed Wolfer’s series of interviews with his intergalactic warrior guests.  Let’s check out the latest episode.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Thank you for joining me today for The Warrior’s Studio.  Can you believe it’s our 6th show?  Ah, where does the time go?  This week we have Leonard Vader of The Evil Empire for you.

Audience:  Mild mix of boos and clapping.

Leonard Vader:  High Blitzed.  It’s good to be here.

Blitzed:  So, I understand that you are related to Darth Vader himself.  What’s that like?

Leonard:  Oh, it’s pretty cool.  Uncle Darth is pretty busy most of the time but, we still find time to watch NFL football games together sometimes.

Blitzed:  Really.  Fascinating.  Tell us, what is Darth Vader’s favorite team?

Leonard:  It’s the Oakland Raiders of course. 

Blitzed:  I should have known.  So, I have heard that you work for your uncle.

Darth and Leonard at Raiders Game
Leonard:  That’s right.  I’m in the Empire’s Public Relations department.  By the way Blitzed, you introduced me as being of The Evil Empire.  We prefer just The Empire.  We don’t see ourselves as evil.  Sure we’re firm but, I think we’ve been misunderstood and poorly represented in the main stream media.

Blitzed:  Firm?  You guys created a “Death Star” that destroys planets.  That’s more than a bit firm, don’t ya think.

Leonard:  Well, when you are trying to bring order to the chaos of some rebel controlled galaxies, sometimes you have to break a few eggs.  The Empire only destroys worlds for the good of the universe. 

Blitzed:  Uh, you’re right.  I don’t understand you guys at all.

The Emperor
Leonard:  Blitzed, The Emperor has a grand plan and Darth Vader is just helping him implement that plan.  You media guys need to trust in The Emperor.  He’s only thinking of all of us.

Blitzed:  I guess.  I hope he’s not aiming the Death Star at this planet “for my own good”.

Leonard:  Ha ha, of course not, ha ha.

Blitzed:  Okay well, I’ll sleep better now, maybe.  So, let’s get back to you.  As a relative of Darth Vader, how do you use the power of “The Dark Side of The Force” to help you do your job.

Leonard:  There you go again with your labels.  It’s just “The Force” Blitzed and I don’t use it.  No, I just issue press releases and come on shows like this one to get The Emperor’s message of peace and unity out there to everyone.

Blitzed:  So, you don’t have the ability to use “The Force” like your uncle?

Leonard:  Well, I tried it once.  I tried real hard but, it just made my ears ring and my hair fell out.

Blitzed:  Is that why you wear that black helmet?

Death Star
Leonard:  No, the helmet is standard Empire issue for my department.  Did you know Uncle Darth designs all the uniforms himself?  He’s really a talented and nice guy when you get to know him.

Blitzed:  I guess I’ll take your word for it.

Leonard:  Say Blitzed, I have to ask you about all those Empire Pizza boxes in your Green room here.  How did you get your hands on so many of our Pepperoni Pizzas?  You know there’s been a shortage of Pepperoni Pizza due to a rash of EMPEX high-jackings in this quadrant of the galaxy.  I’ll tell ya, stealing Uncle Darth’s pizzas, that’s evil and not very nice.  You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?

Blitzed:  Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today for The Warrior’s Studio.  Thank you for joining us here at CAN, the Cable Ass Network.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

A Nerdy Movie Review?

My 2013 Chevy Sonic
  Agent 54 here again.  I earned some free passes at work so, I took my buddies to see a movie and then we went to the pool to review it.   The group included Shamu, Flipper and Charlie Tuna.  These are our thoughts on Keeping up with The Joneses starring Zach Galifianakis, Isla Fisher, Gal Gadot and Jon Hamm.

Agent 54:  Okay, I’ll go first.  I really liked the movie and I thought it was cool that the lead character, Jeff Gaffney, who was played by Zack Galifianakis drove the same car as me.  The movie was pretty funny.

Shamu:  Is you crazy!  Man, the first half of that movie was so slow it woulda lost a race with Sea Snail.  The only cool part was when they was eatin snakes. 

Flippper:  Yeah, I dunno.  I mean it was a little funny sometimes and it did have some great car chases and gun fights and a couple of nice explosions.  Oh yeah I like the little redhead, Isla Fisher.  Get it?  Isla Fisher?  Get it, I’m a fish.  Isla Fisher?

Zach Galifianakis
Charlie Tuna:  Yo Flip! How many times do I have to remind you, you’re a Marine Mammal.  C’mon, have a little class.

Flipper:  Who cares.  I bet Isla Fisher don’t know the difference.  I betcha!

Shamu:   Is you crazy too!  Man, the chick playin Mrs. Jones was the hottie of this movie.  (singing) Me-e-e and Mrs., Mrs. Jo-o-ones, Mrs. Jones, we got a thing goin on.

Charlie Tuna:  Oh boy, ain’t nobody go no class around here?
Charlie Tuna

Agent 54:  C’mon guys the movie was funny.

Charlie Tuna:  Yeah, the only reason you liked it was cuz you look like Zach Gala-Gala-Gala- what’s-his-name and you drive the same stupid car.  You do realize that car was part of the joke, don’tcha?  

Shamu:  Yeah, you know, nerdy little fat dude in a cheap little car.  Can you be sayin “Loooooser”?

Agent 54:  Whatda ya mean?  I don’t look like Zach and he lost weight for this role and that little car gets 30 mpg and it got your ass to the movies today, didn’t it?

Flipper:  Yeah uh.  Agent 54, let’s review.  You’re fat, he’s fat.  You’re short, he’s short.  You’re a white dude with a beard…..starting to get the picture here?

Agent 54:  I liked the character, Jeff Gaffney.  He’s a college graduate and he has an important job and a nice house and a nice car and good-lookin wife.

Shamu:  Nerd Alert!

Flipper:  Nerd Alert!

Charlie Tuna:  Nerd Alert!

Agent 54:  Gimmie a break!  And who you callin fat, Shamu?  And Charlie, I thought you had a little more class than that.

Shamu:  Nerd Alert!

Flipper:  Nerd Alert!

Charlie Tuna:  Nerd Alert!

Agent 54:  Fine!  Well, I’m giving the movie 5 outta 5 Starfish.  I thought it was great!

Shamu:  Shiiiiit!  I’m jus givin it 2 Starfish, both for (singing) Mrs. Mrs. Jo-o-ones.

Flipper:  Right with ya, Shamu.  2 Starfish for my little redhead fisher girl.

Charlie Tuna:  I’m givin it 2 Starfish too.  I liked the pool scene.

Agent 54: (pulling a pocket calculator out)  Fine!  So, doing the math, that comes out to an average of  2.75 Starfish for Keeping up with The Joneses.

Shamu:  Nerd Alert!

Flipper:  Nerd Alert!

Charlie Tuna:  Nerd Alert!

Agent 54:  Fine!  Whatever!  Next time we go to the movies, one of you guys can drive. 

Sharknado Review

Sunday, November 6, 2016

The Rubbish Ranger versus Foilman

  Agent 54 here again.  Everyone knows that on my days off I like to get up early and clean-up my neighborhood by picking up trash using a plastic bag and my grabber stick ($19.97 at Home Depot).  I had an interesting encounter with a kindred spirit, sorta, yesterday while out doing my thing.  Here’s my report on my conversation with Foilman.

Scene:   Agent 54 is walking down his street with his grabber stick and a plastic bag.  A character is walking towards me who also has a grabber stick and plastic bag.  This person is wearing a red-colored eye mask, red cape and a blue t-shirt with a red F on it.

Agent 54:  Good morning.  Uh, whatcha doin?

Foilman:  Isn’t it obvious?  I’m Foilman!  I’m saving the environment by collecting foil, cans and other aluminum debris from the streets of this fair city.  Who are you and what are you doing, citizen?

$19.97 at Home Depot
Agent 54:  Uh, well, I’m just picking up trash in my neighborhood.  I’m Agent 54.  I mean that’s my nom de plume but, when I’m doing this I think of myself as The Rubbish Ranger.

Foilman:  Nam de what?  Sounds like you’re a little confused.  I hope you are recycling the aluminum cans you’re picking up.  You too can save the environment by recycling and helping to make the most of the earth’s resources.  You are recycling, aren’t you Mr. Rubbish?

Agent 54:  No, it’s, no, just call me Agent 54.  That’s the name I use for my blog because of my part-time job.  I do recycle at home.

Foilman:  And what about the aluminum trash you pick-up?  Do you know that Americans discard a billion tons of aluminum every day.   What will you drink your beer from when the earth runs out of aluminum?

Agent 54:  Huh, I don’t drink beer and where did you get that number.  Sounds like fuzzy math to me.  And another thing, what’s with the Halloween costume?  You’re not trying to get any attention or anything are you?

Foilman:  Hah! This outfit is smart and perfectly appropriate for an environmental Superhero.  I wouldn’t criticize anyone else’s apparel when you, yourself look like you are dressed for a felony.  Just because you call yourself Mr. Rubbish doesn’t mean you have to wear it.

Jr. Rubbish Rangers in training
Agent 54:  I told you to call me Agent 54 and I wouldn’t make fun of anyone else’s name with a greasy name like Foilman?  I mean really.  Foilman – Oilman?  What the heck?  And don’t you mostly pick-up cans?  What about Canman or The Canister? 

Foilman:  Now see here, I come from a long line of…

Agent 54:  (Interrupting).  Wait a minute!  What the heck are we doing here?  I didn’t come out to get into a pissing contest with you.  I actually admire what you do.  We are both protecting the environment in our own way on our time off work.

Foilman:  Yes, well, you do have a point except all my time is time off work.  I just like to use the extra money I get from selling the scrap aluminum to buy cigars.

Agent 54:  There you go, cigars!  I love a good cigar.  Hey! Are you saying you don’t work?

Foilman:  Correct.  I haven’t had to work for many years.

Agent 54:  How’d you pull that off?

Foilman:  I made some very smart investments when I first started working.  They have paid off quite handsomely .

Agent 54:  Well, spill the beans.  Who’d you invest in.

Foilman:  Well, if you insist, it was Waste Management.
Agent 54:  I should have known.  Alright, I’m getting hungry now.  I’m gonna go home for some chow.  You know, we’re both on the same team here.  We should be friends. (Agent 54 puts his hand out for shaking.)
Foilman:  (reluctantly shaking Agent 54’s hand)  Yes, I suppose we are on a similar mission though mine is much more thought out and  makes much more sense on many levels.  Maybe we should get together for a cigar sometime, sometime when you’re dressed more appropriately.
Agent 54:  (taken aback and turning to go and under his breath)  Don’t count on it.

Darth Ranger
So, who’s side are you on?  Foilman or The Rubbish Ranger?

PS:  Today (11/12/166) I ran into a woman who calls herself "The Litter Gitter".  She was on a nice Tricycle with baskets and she had her grabbers stick and a bag for her recycling.  The Litter Gitter said she takes the money from the aluminum she recycles and donates it to her church.  I'm glad there are other civic minded people out there like The Rubbish Ranger and Foilman.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Shifting Alliances

  Agent 54 here again.  While I was carelessly watching football and baseball on my TV, I noticed some Shifting Alliances that made me curious.  When I brought these concerns up with my wife, she made me feel like I was the only one in the world who cared or even noticed these things.  Is that true?  Am I alone?  Do I need psychotherapy?  Let me explain before you answer these questions or before you send the guys in the white jump suits with the big butterfly nets and strait  jackets again. 
  I have long thought it was very odd that The General of General Car Insurance ran around with a Penguin for a pal.  Though Penguins are an up and coming species and may someday challenge Cats for WorldDomination of this puny planet, my thoughts were “What the heck do Penguins have to do with Car Insurance”?  Penguins don’t drive.  In fact, Penguins come from the South Pole.  Most of them have never even seen a car and they certainly don’t buy Insurance.  I’m sure there are damn few of them that could even hold a job.  Why a Penguin?

  The mystery deepened as I began to notice that The General did not treat the Penguin very well.  For years The General used the Penguin for a prop and never let him speak or fed him.  Then I saw The General driving his snazzy red Corvette without his usual buddy the Penguin in the passenger seat.  Did anyone else notice the sounds of kicking coming from the trunk of the Corvette?  I don’t care if The General had to clean Penguin poop from the passenger seat, locking him in the trunk was just plain wrong and I have a good mind to call PETA on his ass.

Shaq & The General
  The next thing you know, Shaquille O’Neal (Shaq) is riding shotgun with the General and has speaking parts in his advertisements.  It appears that The General had thrown the Penguin under the red Corvette.  I do like Shaq because he knows from funny but, he’s no Penguin and he should have had more respect than to break-up the General-Penguin team.

  Before you start to cry for the Penguin, let me tell you the good news.  In the most important and accurate article The New York Times has ever published, it was announced that the Penguin had landed a new gig as Winnie the Pooh’s new buddy and had even been given a cool new name, “Winter”.  There’s no word yet about the question of is “Winter” going to get a speaking part in his new roll or if eventually Pooh-bear (he is a bear, you know) will eat the penguin (a stunt penguin, of course).  Never the less, I was happy that the Penguin landed on his happy feet and I wish him well.

Winnie the Pooh & Winter
However, as usual, my examination of this subject has left me with more questions than answers like:  If the 7’1” tall former NBA MVP, Shaq is mistreated by The General, will Shaq stuff him into his own helmet and punt him off the Santa Monica pier into the middle of the Pacific Ocean?  Will Winnie the Pooh’s new buddy, Winter convince the bear to become a vegetarian?  Is the New York Times good for anything other than Penguin cage liner?  And finally, does anyone other than me give a crap?

What do you think?

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Thank You for my Liebster Award

  Agent 54 humbly here again.   I’m honored to have been nominated for a Liebster award by Chocolat Lover of the Not Meatloaf Again! Blog.  Chocolat Lover always reads and comments on my new posts and you know how we bloggers crave that support.

My favorite blog for years now is Sandee’s Comedy Plus.  Sandee runs weekly features like Awww Mondays, Wordless Wednesday, Feline Friday and my favorite, Silly Sunday.  I like to time my new posts to first publish on Sunday morning so I can link to Silly Sunday.  I have been introduced to many other blogs and bloggers there and I enjoy reading those silly jokes and trying to support the other bloggers with witty comments.  I do sometimes drop in on Feline Friday to check out the cat pictures but I don’t usually contribute because I don’t have any cats.  I like cats, especially served with beans and guacamole.  I’m sorry.  Bad old joke. I wouldn’t eat your cat.  Maybe a stray cat but, not your cat.

  So, now that you know more than you ever wanted to know about me, it’s time to answer Chocolat Lover’s 10 questions for me.  This should be fun.

1.     My favorite chocolate bar has to be Snickers.  The very name means little laughter and I have craved them since my first day.
2.     I have Green Eyes and according to Ancient Alien theory that means I may have been abducted by Space Aliens.  That would explain a lot.
3.     I really do like cats and don’t like dogs.  I will pretend I like your dog if I like you.
4.     I don’t drink alcohol and I prefer to leave my mess at Taco Bell which makes them pretty upset when I get my food from Jack-in- a- Box.
5.     Tough one.  My favorite bands include Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, The Who, The Moody Blues, Nirvana and The Beatles.  I have to say Paul McCartney is my favorite artist.
6.     Purple describes me best.
7.     This may sound sick but, the smell of old Hockey gear is my favorite.  I played Ice Hockey for 19 years and that smell always meant a lot of fun. I miss playing Hockey.
8.     My morning coffee cup is from a set of dishes my wife has.  It’s white with apples and grapes painted on my side and a pear and grapes on your side.  It has the usual V shape but, with a twist to it like when you were making it, you were turning the top and leaving the bottom set as it cooled.
9.     Oh boy, I collect many things. I have a metal detector so I collect coins, jewelry, marbles, balls, beads, Legos, fishing lures, magnets and other things that I put in old Yankee candle jars and call art.  I like colorful things.
10.   I’m wearing Gold Toe brand white athletic socks.  Nothing like good socks.

Now my nominations for a Liebster are:

Messy Mimi of is one of my favorites from Sandee's Silly Sunday.  I enjoy her bayou brand of humor and she likes cats too.

I have to bend the rules a bit and nominate Joe Hagy of the Cranky Old Man blog Cranky is another Silly Sunday blogger and his Stupid Headlines crack me up.

Tim Clark of the Life Explained  blog is one of my new favorites.  I think Tim and his buddy Jesse Zahrt are running for office,,,or is that running away from office? I dunno.

That’s all I got for now for nominations so here are they’re 10 questions.

1.     Syrup or Sprinkles?
2.     Do you trust Goats?
3.     Have you been abducted by Space Aliens too?
4.     Why the heck do you blog?
5.     Vampires or Zombies?
6.     Have you ever ordered a bucket of chicken all beaks and feet?  Why not?
7.     Do fish know they are wet?
8.     What was the last book you read?
9.     Do you use Duct Tape?
10.            Do you know from funny?

 I want to give a special shout out to Susan Leighton of the on the Ledge blog.  Susan has been reading and supporting me by commenting on all my older posts.  Turns out that we have tread the same ground in several different parts of the country.  I really do appreciate Susan.

Finally, I want to post the website where Liebsters can find the rules for making your own Liebster nominations:

Thanks again to Liebsters everywhere.  This was fun.