Sunday, August 28, 2016

Ancient Alien Ancestors?

Agent 54 here again.  I’ve been watching the Ancient Alien TV documentary series on the History channel.   Ancient Alien Theory began with the book Chariots of the Gods? by Erich Von Daniken.   Giorgio Tsoukalos is a main proponent of this theory and can be seen in every episode of the show.  Tonight I jumped out of  bed at 2:00 am because I now know why I’m fascinated by these shows.  I have realized the shocking truth.   Agent 54’s Ancestors were Ancient Aliens.

  I don’t understand why it took so long for me to come to this conclusion.  The evidence of my extraterrestrial lineage is and has always been all around me.  Main stream science has been slow to acknowledge the existence of Aliens but, what do they know?  When I was a kid they said there were 9 planets in our solar system and now they say there is only 8.  Let’s keep an open mind.  Let’s examine the evidence.

  Erich Von Daniken and Giorgio Tsoukalos theorize that long ago, the Ancient Aliens came to earth in space ships and modified human DNA in and experiment intended to improve our species.  This explains why Agent 54 is smarter, better looking and funnier than the early humans.    

  In the latest episode of Ancient Aliens, they explain that aliens are still abducting the genetically modified humans to monitor their experiment.  They tell us that only 1% of  the human population has green eyes but 50% of the reports of Alien Abductions come from people with green eyesAgent 54 has green eyes.  

  Erich and Giorgio go on to explain that most abductees have no memory of being abducted but, under hypnosis can recall their terrifying alien encounters.   Agent 54 has no memory of being abducted. 

  While Agent 54 hasn’t been hypnotized into giving up his Alien Abduction stories, I do write about the subject in my Agent 54 blog posts titled:  Burgundy Campaign Spaces Out, Burgundy Campaign Spaces Out II and Bungalow Bill's Outer-Space Adventure.  Coincidence?  Agent 54 doesn’t think so.

  You have to ask yourself, why does Agent 54 have a AAA membership that I’ve never used?  Could it subconsciously have something to do with Ancient Alien Astronauts?  Agent 54 is convinced it absolutely does.

   I realized that the Ancient Aliens have been communicating with me in their own special, discreet way.  My wife has observed the trance-like state that I often enter when watching the Ancient Alien episodes on the History channel from my reclining chair.  She says this trance-like state is often accompanied by strange sounds coming from my body that kinda go “zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz”.  Later, after I regain full consciousness (with coffee of course),  Agent 54 is able to write fantastic tales that bring joy and laughter to the world.

  I have often wondered why I’m fascinated with using my metal detector.  Am I searching for treasure or looking for Ancient Alien Artifacts to prove my heritage?  Agent 54 believes he’s on a journey to discover his extraterrestrial “roots”.

  Main stream scientists are still publically denying the very existence of extraterrestrial life but, Ancient Alien theorists point to mountains of evidence and artifacts that science cannot explain.  I have examined the evidence and Agent 54 believes we were visited in the distant past by Ancient Alien Astronauts.


What if it were true?

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Groundhog Day and the Department of Redundancy Department

Caddyshack
  Agent 54 here again.  There have been rumors going around the DORD that there could be budget cuts coming.  At the same time the very symbol of the DORD, the noble Groundhog, is facing the threat of extinction on golf courses everywhere.  This is doubly disturbing for me because less funding and the loss of the Groundhog mean less laughter and that makes the world a less funny place and nobody needs that right now or ever.   
 
Groundhog Day
Just like how Bill Murray’s comedy career needed two movies co-starring the lovable rodent, the world needs to double down on the humor my NSA under the DORD and Groundhogs provide.  Who else will “dig up the dirt” on the Ron Burgundy Campaign for President?  What else would truck drivers order at diners other than “Groundhog Parmigiana” in an attempt to make waitresses laugh?

  I understand that some people have a problem with my NSA spying on innocent American citizens whether they’re living or dead or fictional.  I know golfers get angry when their balls go down a Groundhog hole or they break and ankle stepping in one.  I believe that is a small price to pay for the hilarious humor we provide.  Just think of the joy the millions of readers of this blog get on a daily basis.  I know some of you are in stitches right now.  You’re welcome.

  Some people think the DORD is a waste of taxpayer dollars.  I know many just think of Groundhogs as roadkill cuisine.  I challenge you people to open your minds to giving the humor of the NSA and Groundhogs the respect that Agent 54 and Bill Murray deserve.

  So, for the sake of worldwide levity, I’m calling on you for action now.  I want you to support Politicians around the globe who promise to double the funding for the NSA under the DORD and create a second Groundhog Day on August 2nd annually to honor Spies and Groundhogs for humor’s sake.  

Let’s put a smile on the faces of Spies and Groundhogs everywhere.

Great Northwest

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Flight Lines


  Agent 54 here again.  I recently had to fly across country for personal reasons and so I thought there might be some humor I could write about in the whole air travel process, but I was wrong.


  Well, I thought I was wrong until one of the voices in my head, Bob, corrected me.  Bye the way, Bob is the voice that I sent looking for that comedy idea I had lost in 2013 Voices.  I hadn’t named Bob at that point and he received some emotional injuries then but, Bob has made a full recovery and I know everyone is grateful for that.

  So, three of the voices in my head and I are sitting here drinking coffee and discussing domestic air travel.  You know Bob so, let me introduce Stu and John,  Stu is the annoying voice that stutters and John is stoic and has a very subtle, dry sense of humor.  Sometimes I think John doesn’t even know he’s being funny.

  We all seem to agree about the best airline joke but the problem is that it is a visual joke.  Bob is insisting I include it so, here goes nothing.

  185 stewardesses walk into a bar and the bartender says “Oh, I’m sorry, we don’t serve stewardesses in here and the exits are here (pointing to the exits on either side of the bar with both hands like a flight attendant does on the pre-flight check-list) and here.”

Bob:  See!  It works great!  You know if you listen to me more often you’d be making money on this blog.  I mean big bucks!

Stu;  Ye, ye, ye yeah.  Li li li listen to B, B, Bob.

Agent 54:  What the heck are you talking about?  How can you say it works when I’m not even finished writing this yet?

John:  Correct, Agent 54.  The audience must decide if the joke works.  As an audience member, I think it sucks.

Agent 54;  John, you’re supposed to be a participant in this.  Not an audience member.

John:  I’m going to deny having anything to do with this project if you include that joke.

Bob:  Who are you going to deny it to?  You been talking to other people’s voices in their heads?  Huh?  You cheatin on Agent 54?

Stu:  Ch, ch, ch cheater!

(John turns his nose up, crosses his legs and stares out a window into my subconscious.)

Agent 54:  Shut up, Stu.  How is that even possible?  Com’on guys.  We’re supposed to be writing something funny for my fans.

Bob:  Fans?  That’s a bit generous, don’t ya think.

Stu:  F, f, f, fart joke fans.

Agent 54:  Nothing wrong with a good fart joke.  Let’s explore that some more.

Bob:  Okay, let me ask you, Agent 54.  Did you fart on the airplane?

Agent 54:  Yes, yes I did.  Every single one, every time I fly.

Stu:  O, o, o, okay?

(10 seconds of silence)

John:  You guys are morons.  May I be excused?


Agent 54:  No!  Are you for real?  Where the hell are you going to anyway?

Bob:  Told ya, he’s cheatin on ya.

Stu:  Ch, ch, ch cheater!

Agent 54:  Guys!  Com’on!  We’re getting nowhere.

Stu:  O, o, o, okay, h, h, h, how about this.  A, a, a, airline food makes you f, f, f, fart.

Bob:  That’s a fact Stupy boy, not a joke.

John:  Agent 54’s farts are smarter than this whole conversation.

Bob and Stu make fart noises:  ththththththththththffarttttttt.

Agent 54:  Alright, that’s all I can take.  Why don’t you guys go learn to speak Spanish or something. 

John:  Finally!  Adios.

Bob:  Feliz burrito!  Thththththfartttttt.

Stu:  O, o, o, ole!  Th, th, th, thththfartttttt. 



  



So, it turns out that I was right from the start.  There is nothing funny about flying across country.

Voices

Group Session

Sunday, June 26, 2016

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. IV

  Agent 54 here again.  Time for another episode of The Warrior’s Studio.  These interviews of intergalactic warriors are just getting better and better.  Let’s see who’s in the studio today.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Welcome everyone to the fourth installment of The Warrior’s Studio.  I’m your host, Blitzed Wolfer and it’s my distinct pleasure to welcome the intergalactic swashbuckler, Spacebeard to the studio today.

Audience:  Polite applause for Spacebeard.

Spacebeard:  Ahoy maties!  Yo ho ho, it be great to be here with ye land lubbers.

Blitzed:  So, I noticed you’re standing on your chair.  Is that due to your wooden leg?

Spacebeard:  Aye!  Quite perceptive of ye there matey.  Yea, since I lost me leg I  find sitting to be quite uncomfortable for me.

Blitzed:  Oh, did you lose your leg in a fierce battle with Empirical forces?

Spacebeard:  Arrrrgh!  No, no it weren’t quite like that.

Blitzed:  Well, please tell us how it happened.  I’m sure my audience would be fascinated to hear this story.

Spacebeard:  Arrrrgh!  Very well then.  One space day when I be just hangin out on me Millennium Buzzard, arrrrgh, that’s me ship, with some Smelly Pirate Space Hookers I,,,

Blitzed:  (interrupting) Wait!  You hang out with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers?

Spacebeard:  Aye!  Why else would a man become a Space Pirate?

Blitzed:  Well, we thought it would be to do battle and help defeat the Evil Empire.

Spacebeard:  Arrrrgh!  Uh, No!  That would be dumb.  No, hanging out with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers and enjoying tons of fine booty taken from the Empire are the only reasons to become a Space Pirate.  Aye!  That and to be yer own boss.

Blitzed:  Very interesting.  Please tell us more about how you take the booty from Darth Vader.

Spacebeard:  Aye!  Well, me ship, the Millennium Buzzard is equipped with the latest electronic cloaking devices.  That allows us to be hiddin near the shipping lanes between the largest vessels the Empire’s got and their space bases.  Ye may know that the Empire uses EMPEX (Empirical Express) to send supplies from their bases to their largest star cruisers.  Aye!  Me maties and I, we wait until the coast is clear, then we be apouncin, or I mean we beam aboard the courier ships and yo ho ho, the booty is all ours.

Blitzed:  Oh my!  That sounds terribly dangerous.  Don’t the couriers have security aboard?  Do they put up a good fight?

Spacebeard:  Arrrrgh!  Hell no!  That would be dumb.  No, no we’ve taken care of them by cutting them in for a share of the loot from the booty we be sellin on the black space market. 

Blitzed:  How do you get away with that?  Doesn’t Darth Vader use the dark side of the force to catch you?

Spacebeard:  Yo ho ho, hell no!  We be far too small a fly in the Empire’s ointment for them to catch us.  Oh yeah, sometimes the lads on courier ships have to fake injuries or even their own deaths but, I makes it worth it for them.  Darth don’t give a space rats ass about them.

Blitzed:  I see.  So, what kind of booty do you get from the EMPEX ships?

Spacebeard:  Well, we be collectin lots of spare parts and electronics and weapons for sellin on the black space market but, the booty me and me mates prizes the most be the Pepperoni Pizzas.

Blitzed:  Fascinating!  I had a previous guest who told us the Empire loves Pepperoni Pizzas.

Spacebeard:  Aye!  It be true!  And Space Pirates love Pepperoni Pizzas too.  My mates and me, we’ve taken millions of frozen space Pepperoni pies from the Empire over the years.  Aye!  I even took the liberty to be fillin the mini fridge in yer green room with stolen Pepperoni Pizzas, courtesy of Darth Vader.

Blitzed:  Oh, thank you.  That was very kind of you.  Maybe I’ll take advantage of that after this interview.

Spacebeard:  Aye! I’m a thinkin the two Smelly Pirate Space Hookers I brought with me tonight might be enjoyin that too.

Blitzed:  Wha, wha, wait!  You brought a couple of Smelly Pirate Space Hookers with you?  Really?  Can I meet them?

Spacebeard:  Aye!  They be awaitin us in that there green room ye got with the Pizzas and a few space brews.  Tonight ye be like one of me crew.  Ye be partying like a real proper Space Pirate as soon as we wrap this up.

Blitzed:  Oh boy!  Well I guess that’s all the time we have.  See ya later on the next episode of The Warriors Studio.

 Wow!  Didn’t I tell you these interviews were getting better and better.  I’m sure this one was Blitz’s favorite.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

BSers Union Meeting


  Agent 54 here again.  I was required to attend a very important BSers (Brotherhood of Secret Electronically Recorded Surveillances) Union, Local Chapter 1099, meeting for my job at the NSA under the DORD.  Oye Vay! 

Here’s my report.

Scene:  Large union hall with hundreds of audience seats and small stage with a podium and 6 chairs flanking it on each side.  There are many flags behind the podium and chairs and a portrait of the union President is hanging above center stage.  As the union members are milling about and filling the seats, Inspector Gadget takes the podium.

Inspector Gadget:  Alright everybody, settle down.  I want to get this meeting started on time.

  Flo walks up to the podium from the side of the stage.  She is wearing her official BSers Union jacket with the official seal on it.

Flo:  (As she’s walking)  Com’on  Inspector Gadget, you know I’m the head of our local.  This is my meeting.  Git!  Shoo!

  Flo chases Gadget off the stage.

Flo
Flo:  Alright everybody, we get enough BS doing our jobs so I want to cut the crap and get right to the results of the election of this year’s negotiating team for the BSers Local 1099.  Okay, let’s settle down and get to it.

  Audience of union members politely applauds and settles down.  Agent 54 is seated next to John Rambo in the middle of the audience.

Agent 54 (to John Rambo):  I sure hope I was elected to the team.

Rambo (to Agent 54):  Me too.  I hope they didn’t elect a bunch of butt-kissers like last year.

Flo:  Okay, I’m going to read the list of winners.  As I call your name, come join me on the stage and take a seat.  Here we go.

  As Flo reads the names there are various cheers and even some jeers and the room gets noisy.  As Flo goes on the jeering gets louder.  When Flo is done Agent 54 and Rambo have looks of stunned disappointment on their faces.

Agent 54:  What the hell!

Rambo:  What the hell!  Who the heck voted for them bozos?

Agent 54:  I demand a recount!  Can I demand a recount?  What the hell?

Rambo:  Yeah, I dunno.  What the hell can we do?

Agent 54:  How are those knuckleheads going to negotiate?  I mean, the language
John Rambo
barrier alone is a reason to vote for someone else, like me!

Rambo:  Yeah, I mean El Guapo is going to be a real problem on that team.

Agent 54:  Well actually, I was thinking of the Minions.  I mean, what the hell language do they speak anyway?

Rambo:  Yeah, there’s that and you know I love Billy Idol but, com’on.

Agent 54:  Right!  Who’s going to keep Billy sober for the negotiations?

  Inspector Gadget startles us by suddenly appearing next to us.

Inspector Gadget:  Take it easy boys.  This election was rigged from the start.  Why else do you think I’m not up there.

Rambo:  I could think of a few reasons.

Agent 54:  Wait!  What the hell?  You mean you knew who was going to win before we voted?  (Stuttering with anger)  An, an, and why would someone rig it to have the phreaking Geico Gecko on the team?  Tha, tha, that don’t make no sense!

Inspector Gadget:  Believe me boys, there’s no one on that team that wasn’t hand-picked by the union President.

  The Joker startles us again by suddenly appearing.

The Joker:  Well, I knew there was something fishy when I saw Charlie Tuna up on the stage.

 
The Joker
At the sight of the Joker, Agent 54 grabs his head because a painful memory of a previous team building “accident” just came rushing back to him.

Inspector Gadget:  Boys, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll forget this election and just support the negotiating team,  Goodnight.

  Inspector Gadget gets up and walks away and The Joker is gone too.  A stunned Agent 54 turns to Rambo.

Agent 54:  What the hell just happened?

Rambo:  I think we was just sent a message.

Agent 54:  What the hell are we going to do.

Rambo:  What’s this “we” crap?  I’m going to keep my mouth shut and go with the flow.

  Flo startles us again by appearing out of nowhere.

Flo:  That’s good advice.  You best take it, Agent 54.  Com’on, let me buy you a Dr. Pepper.

Agent 54:  Yeah uh, I guess,  Uh, alright, uh, go team go.

So, Agent 54 lost another one.  Oh well, there’s always next year.  Just got to figure out who’s butt to kiss.  “Go team go!”

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Old Church of Guadalupe Arizona.

Iglesia de Tres Santos



  I got up early to take pictures at sunrise of this old church in Guadalupe Arizona.  I was told it is the Church of The Three Saints or Iglesia de Tres Santos.





The inside of The Church of Three Saints was simple and beautiful.  I love all the wood and the Ocotillo Cactus used for the ceiling.


















This Shrine was very interesting too.














 I enjoyed the changing of the colors the play of the shadows as the sun rose.








Sun rising across the parking lot and the ball-field from the church.  The small light on the left side in the darkness is a fire pit.  Three amigos apparently stayed out all night drinking and telling tall tales around the campfire. 

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Goats

   I jumped out of  bed at 3am this morning in a minor frenzy because I felt compelled to tell the world my thoughts on Goats.


  I know what you and your friends from your local snark tank are thinking.  You’re thinking “goats?, who cares about goats?”.  Exactly!  Goats have a sneaky, nefarious and undue influence on mankind and most of  us aren’t even aware of  it.  It’s time to examine the mysteries and motives of  these barnyard “animals”.


The next time you are in a petting zoo, take a close look at a Goat.  You’ll see that their eyes are too far apart and they look like a shark’s eyes and they have horns.  Would you trust a person that looked like this?  Indeed Goats look like they were made by Lucifer and are certainly not one of God’s creations.  Why do they have horns anyway and what about Goat’s milk and Goat Cheese?  Don’t Cows already produce enough high quality dairy products?  Why is Goat Cheese more expensive and where does that extra revenue go?  Do these facts add up to some kind of sinister plot?  Let us continue the examination.

    In sports you can often become a “Goat” or a “Hero” in the course of one play in one game.   Bill Buckner of  the Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs is the perfect example of  this.  As you may know, Buckner was an All-star player at times in his long career but forever became a Goat to Red Sox Nation when he misplayed one crucial ground ball in the 1986 World Series.  Of course everyone knows the tale of  The Curse of Billy the Goat. It seems that the owner of  the Billy Goat Tavern in Chicago was kicked out of a Cubs game because the pet goat he brought was stinking up the joint.  Goat owner Billy Sianis cursed the Cubs and they have been a joke of Major League Baseball ever since.  Is it a coincidence that Bill Buckner once played for the Cubs?  I don’t think so.

    What about the Rolling Stones?  The Stones have always been accused of being under the influence of Satan.  Their Goat’s Head Soup album was inspired by that delicacy they experienced while recording in Jamaica.  Why?  Jamaica is an Island.  Why didn’t they eat fish or shrimp instead of Goat?  Why would anyone eat Goat?  Why indeed, the mystery deepens.


  What about Goat behavior?  Some people keep them because they are natural lawn mowers but, truth is they will eat almost anything.  Why do Goats scream like escaped lunatics for Insurance company TV commercials?  What are they telling us there?  Have you seen the You Tube videos showing “Goat Tipping”?  No, it’s not giving a tip to a bad waiter.  That’s “Donkey tipping”.  It’s actually easy for humans to startle Goats and cause them to faint and fall over on their side.  Goat Tipping is fun for the whole family and it’s much safer than cow tipping but, it makes me wonder what is the motivation behind this strange behavior?

  Most of us humans have been subconsciously influence by Goats and we don’t even realize it.  I myself have been sporting a Goatee beard and rooting for the Minnesota Vikings, because they have horns, since I was 8 years old.  I have even glued a pair of  horns to an Arizona Cardinals hat and taken my one and only selfie while wearing my horns.  What else but, overdue Goat influence could possibly explain this strangeness?  Is it some kind of bovine-human Conspiracy?

  Why did Jim Breuer play “Goat Boy” on TVs Saturday Night Live program?  That could be dismissed as just bad programming by a lousy network and a mediocre comedian,,,or was it,,,Goat influence?  You be the judge.

  In conclusion, I want you to think twice about what you’re doing before you buy a pigmy Goat for the kids or sit around a campfire at night making s’mores and telling Goat stories.  Ask yourself  why you chose to have a pet Goat?  What, aren’t Cats and Penguins cute enough?  What compelled you to make that decision?  Is there something sinister going on between Goats and the Human Race?  I say, stay vigilant my friends and never ever ever trust a Goat.



Saturday, February 27, 2016

Bernie and the Jets

DNC Chair DWS

 Agent 54 here again.  Today I heard another of  Blitzed Wolfer’s great interviews.   It was with Bernie Sanders and his band “The Jets”.   They were warming up for an evening show in a small auditorium on a small college campus.  Here’s my report.

Scene:  Small stage in a small auditorium on a small college campus.  A band is tuning and setting up their equipment.  The keyboard player is none other than Bernie Sanders who is actually still in a Presidential Primary race.  Blitzed Wolfer and his film crew approach Candidate Sanders with the microphone and a camera.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Hi ya, Bernie.

Bernie Sanders:  Well, if it isn’t my old friend Mr. Wolfer.  How ya been you old dog?

Blitzed:  Fine, so tell me, how’s the band sounding?

Bernie:  Well, they try hard but, they ain’t The Beatles and I’m no John  Lennon, I’ll tell ya that.

Not John Lennon
Blitzed:  Isn’t that Billy-Bob Jones who used to play with the Allman Brothers in the 70s, playing bass for you?

Bernie:  Nah, that’s Bobby Smith who played with the Almond Brothers or some other nuttballs a long time ago.  I dunno, who can remember?

Blitzed:  So, are you here just to get away from the stress of the campaign trail for a while?

Bernie:  Yeah, and ya know, I gotta pay the bills too.

Blitzed:  Yes, I was going to ask you about that.  I heard the ticket price for this little event was $250.00.  Isn’t that a little steep for a band that is “not The Beatles”?

Bernie:  Steep- Schmeep!  What, don’t I have a right to earn a decent living?

Blitzed:  Well, of course you do but, you know you are the one always preaching about how everything should be free for everybody.  Isn’t there some hypocrisy in charging such a high price to these kids here who will be struggling to pay their student loans?

Bernie:  Hippo – Schmippo!  These kids coming here tonight represent the 1% that can come out to our show.  Let’s just consider the 250 clams a Tax on the rich.  They have to pay their fair share so the other kids don’t have to hear how bad we really are.

Blitzed:  But, what if the 1% kids decide they want to go to the show down the street that is charging $25.00 to hear a much better band?

Bernie:  Then we’ll throw those bastards in jail!

Blitzed:  Uh, that makes no sense.  If you jail the kids for not seeing your show, they can’t go to either show and both bands go broke.

Bernie:  Broke-Schmoke!  We’ll throw them in jail and make them pay a $500.00 fine to the Government and then the Government can pay my band to perform in the jail and everybody is happy.

Blitzed:  Happy-Schmappy!  What about the innocent American kids you jailed and forced to hear your band?

Bernie:  To hell with them.  They shouldn’t have been in the 1%.

Blitzed:  Uh, yeah, uh, well, I gotta go now. (under his breath and to his film crew) let’s get the heck out of here.  The Crazy is getting a little deep in here.

Bernie:  Okay, I’ll see you later for the show and don’t forget your $250 bucks and that goes for your crew too.


Wow!  I guess we learned something about Socialist Economic Policy or Economic Socialist Policy or maybe just plain old Insanity.

What do you think?