Agent 54 : Is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. He works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. He reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
Agent 54 here again. Looks like the Burgundy Campaign is cranking
it up again. On the weekend they were in
Toronto, Ontario Canada for the Buffalo Bills versus the Atlanta Falcons
football game. From there they,
reluctantly, moved on to Buffalo, New York, USA.
Scene: We catch up to most of the team in the lobby
of “The Mansion on Delaware Avenue”.
It’s just after lunch and Ron, Joe B., John, Tim and Wendy are
there. They’re going over the campaign
plans for the day and talking about the past weekend.
John: Wow! I
still can’t get over that game. 34 / 31
Tim: Yeah, real exciting, except for Bills
fans. That stadium, The Rogers Centere
is incredible with the hotel built right into it.
Ron: That whole city was amazing. With the CN Tower and all. We should be campaigning there. Wendy, why aren’t we campaigning in the
beautiful city of Toronto with those beautiful, healthy looking Torontasians.
Wendy: Ron, you know it’s a different country. Those Torontonaughts can’t vote for you.
Ron: That’s nonsense! This is a free continent and the Trontosians should
be able to vote for whoever they want. When I’m President I’ll fix this deplorable
Wendy: What are you gonna do, annex the Canadian
City of Toronto? Good luck, President
Ron: This is no joke! Those Torontagans deserve an American
President and I don’t even do the polka.
Tim: (under his breath) Yeah, look how much good American Presidents
have done for Detroit.
Ron: What was that, Tim? Why don’t you save your smartass remarks for
your space alien buddies.
Tim: Man, take a nap on a bus and they never let
you forget it. I’m going outside.
Tim gets up
and walks out into the parking lot to smoke a small cigar.
John: You know I’m writing a snappy new song. “The Torontotula Polka”.
John: I think I’ll go make sure Tim doesn’t disappear
Tim on a smoke break but, does not light up.
Wendy and Ron look at Joe B. who silently smiles.
Wendy: Alright, now when the Canadian Limo gets
Joe B.: (Interrupting) Canadian Limo? You mean we’re going by dogsled?
bullets at Joe B.
Joe B.: I better check on Tim and John.
Scene: Joe B. Joins
Tim and John in the parking lot.
Tim: (to Joe B.)
Those two Torontonuttballs kick you out too?
Joe B.: Wendy said she got a Canadian Limo and,,,
John: (interrupting) What, we’re going by dogsled?
Tim: I’m having a blast on this trip. Gimme fist pump.
awkwardly fist pump each other and some of the fists sorta explode. Back inside the hotel lobby, Wendy tries again to get the
campaign back on track.
Wendy: Ron, the limo takes us to Niagara Falls for
some picture taking. Right now, your
hair is a work of art. Keep it that way!
Ron: Yes Dear.
Wendy: After that, we’re going to Elmwood Village
for some Christmas shopping for the best campaign manager ever.
Ron: Absolutely, (tapping his inside pocket) and
I’ve got my prepared remarks about the Christmas Lights Controversy in my
Scene: A white van
pulls up in front of the hotel with “Canada Limousine Service” painted on
it. At the same time, campaign volunteer
Maureen pops into the hotel lobby from the elevator.
Maureen: Good morning.
Wendy: Morning? It’s 1:10 pm princess. Let’s go.
The Canadian Limo is here and,,,
Maureen: (interrupting) Wait, we’re going by dogsled?
here again to share my report on our Annual company picnic at the NSA under the
DORD. As you may have guessed, the picnic was held
in a secret picnic location. The Oldies Band, Clowns and Ponies all had to be blindfolded
and sworn to secrecy before being helicoptered in for the day. Other than that it was more or less your
average company picnic with just a few more eccentric personalities. Of course all activities and conversations in
the area were recorded. Here’s how some
of those conversations went.
Scene: In a beautiful open space of a National Park
somewhere in America there’s a large open sided tent, under which is a band in
one corner and a Black Jack table with a dealer dressed in 1800s costume in another. In the middle is a large grilling station
where typical picnic fare is being cooked.
There are various game stations around the tent along with a face
painting station for the kids. Outside some cowboys and cowgirls are leading the kids around on the backs of the ponies. The atmosphere is festive. Agent 54 is seated at a table with a couple of
54: Who’s that guy?
Rambo: I dunno.
Gadget: (standing at table) That my
friends, is El Guapo.
Idol: El whato?
Gadget: They call him El Guapo and he
just started this week. He used to be in
construction, specializing in excavations.
He’s in the Spanish department.
conversation is interrupted by the sound of loud, psychotic, evil laughter
coming from the Black Jack table.
Joker: Ha Ha Ha, I win again! He He He,
you can’t beat me!
Idol: Wow, Joker’s having a ball. He don’t seem to care that he’s just winning
Rambo: Yeah, he’s having a blast cuz he
thinks he’s cheating and getting away with it.
54: What do you think will happen when
he figures out the dealer is giving everybody 21 by dealing from the bottom of
Rambo: I dunno but, I ain’t getting in
the middle of it.
Billy Idol: Hey, what the hell is that? (pointing to 3 short yellow beings wearing
blue overalls and safety goggles.
Gadget: Those are Minions. Those little guys work their butts off, uh if
they have butts.
Rambo: Them little yellow guys look like
they come from some Banana Republic.
Gadget: Take it easy Rambo. I’ve never heard them say anything
political. Actually I’ve never heard
them say anything I’ve understood but, look how cute they are. Why they wouldn’t harm a fly.
Billy Idol: They look drunk to me.
burst of psychotic, evil laughter comes from the Black Jack table.
Joker: Ho ho I’ve done it again. Ha ha look!
An Ace and a Ten!
Progressive Insurance walks up to the table.
Flo: What’s so funny?
Rambo: It’s Joker, he thinks he’s
Flo: Uh,,he does know that game is rigged,,doesn’t
Idol: Yeah right, you gonna tell him?
Rambo: Send them yellow Onions to tell him.
Gadget: That’s Minions. The little yellow guys,, that is, I think
they’re guys, are Minions.
Flo: C’mon Billy let’s go.
Idol and Flo start to leave Agent 54 asks a stupid question.
54: Hey, you guys cutting out early?
Idol: Yeah, we’re gonna hang out with
Miley Cyrus tonight.
54: Whoa, Miley Cyrus? Dude use a condom.
Flo: We will, got a new box in the limo.
of stunned silence goes by before Flo speaks again.
You know that Miley goes both ways.
winks at us and leaves with his arm around Flo.
As they get out of the tent, John Rambo adds his words of wisdom.
Rambo: Hey! Don’t do anything I
would,,or should,,uh,,,hey, don’t do anything!
looks at a Rambo with a confused
Rambo: Well, I don’t know what to say.
54: I’m gonna go take a pony ride.
Wow, I really had a lot of fun seeing my old
friends away from the office and getting
to know some of my new co-workers. Now,
I can’t wait for this year’s NSA under the DORD Christmas Party. Happy Trails!
Agent 54 here again. I was reminiscing about the Boston Red Sox
2013 Championship season when Ron Burgundy visited Fenway Park during the
playoffs with the Detroit Tigers. Those
were good times for Agent 54, a lifelong member of Red Sox Nation. Take a look at my report from those happy
Scene: A crowd of happy Red Sox fans, some dressed
for Halloween, are gathered on Yawkey Way outside of Fenway Park in
Boston. Fox Sports has a set up for television
interviews. Various producers and
helpers scurry about along with the Burgundy Campaign staff.
Jackman: Hello everyone, I’m Buck
Jackman for Fox Sports. It’s October
Baseball. Welcome to Game 6 of the American League Championship Series between
the Boston Red Sox and the Detroit Tigers coming to you later, live from Fenway
Park. I’m joined today by former Boston
Red Sox World Champion, Kevin Millar and Presidential Candidate Ron
Burgundy. Good to see you gentlemen.
Millar: Great to be here, Buck.
Burgundy: A pleasure to be here.
Buck: So the last time I saw the two of you
together it was at the rodeo.
Kevin: That’s right Buck, we were at the Redneck
Olympics and this dang fool was in the ring with some of the meanest, nastiest,
stinkiest bulls I ever seen.
Ron: Oh yes, that was quite a bit of fun. You know, I was really impressed by the
professionalism of the rodeo clowns and the stinkyness of those bulls. They really stink.
Kevin: Heck ya they do.
Buck: So the Red Sox lead the Tigers 3 games to 2
in this best of 7 series. Tonight’s pitching match-up has Clay Buchholz for the
Red Sox against Max Scherzer for the Tigers.
Kevin who has the advantage here?
Kevin: This series has been very hard fought and
very close with 4 of 5 games being decided by only one run however, It’s hard
to bet against these Sox at Fenway.
like they haven’t had enough coffee yet.
Buck: Ron, you are more of a casual Baseball
fan. Which team do you like?
Ron: Well you know being Ron “Burgundy” I’m
partial to the color red so Let’s Go Red Sox!
from the crowd: Ron, your hair is a work
Buck: Ron these Red Sox are known as “The Bearded
Warriors” because in spring training they bonded over the growing of their
beards. Did you ever consider growing
Ron: That was a long time ago during a deep dark
emotional period in my life. I remember
drinking milk in the hot San Diegan sun.
It was not a good choice.
Buck: Kevin, you had many versions of a beard when
Kevin: Heck ya!
Every time I got in a slump, I had to do somthin so, I trimmed it or
shaved it or made it a goatee beard, heck I even put a chicken bucket on my
head because one of my “Idiot” teammates said it would help.
Buck: Did it help?
Kevin: Heck ya, I went 2 for 4 with a double the
Ron: You know I once fashioned a royal crown out
of a chicken bucket and wore it on the campaign bus to…
Out of the
side of his vision Ron sees The Only Wendy Shade making slashing motions to
tell him to cut that story short.
that’s a long story. Buck, do you like fried
Buck: Uh, well yes but, later I’ll be having a
Fenway Frank as Fox Sports coverage of Game 6 of the ALCS continues after the
interviews are over that the men shake hands and go their separate ways. Ron Burgundy is walking through the crowd
with The Only Wendy Shade and a couple of campaign volunteers.
Ron: I thought that went particularly well,
Wendy: Ron, don’t ever tell that chicken bucket
story again. I’m surprised that I have
to tell you that.
Ron: Well, in the moment it seemed to be the right
thing to do.
a woman coming towards Ron with a pair of scissors held by the blades
(correctly) in her hand. She points to
the woman and screams…
flash, campaign volunteer Joe B. tackles the woman and takes the scissors from
her hand. He pops up to his feet again,
dragging the dazed woman up by her collar.
Joe B.: It’s okay!
I got the scissors.
Ron: Great Caesar’s Ghost!
Wendy:What the heck is going on here?
without scissors: I’m sorry Mr.
Burgundy. I’m just a really big fan of
yours and I wanted to ask you for a lock
of your beautiful hair.
crowd that has gathered around them says “awwwwe” all at the same time.
Joe, let her go and give herback the haircutting scissors.
Ron: I’m sorry darling. I can assure you that we don’t tackle all our
fans that way. What’s your name?
I’m a hairdresser from Pennsylvania and a really big Red Sox fan. Let’s Go Red Sox!
Ron: Well my dear, if I gave a lock of my terrific
hair to every fan who asked for one, I would be bald in a week. How about this instead. Ron takes
Carol’s right hand and gently kisses it as though she were royalty.Carol faints and falls into Joe B.’s arms.
Ron: Joe, you better take that little lady to
first aid station.
Joe B.: You got it Mr. Burgundy.
applauds the Burgundy campaign.
As Ron and
Wendy resume walking he has an observation.
Ron: Great Odin’s Raven it’s been an exciting day.
Wendy: A little too exciting for me, thank you.
Ron: And we still have a great baseball game to
Wendy: Yeah great, just don’t let me miss the second
Ron: That’s the Seventh inning stretch.
Wendy: Not for me it’s not. If you need me after the second inning I’ll
be at the bar.
Well, we all remember that the Red
Sox went on to win the World Series with help from Ron Burgundy that year. The Sox are struggling this year. We may need to call on Ron again, just to
make the playoffs.
Agent 54 here again, I got to review Blitzed
Wolfer's report from the Hillary Clinton Campaign before it actually got aired. Hillary visited a small American town where
she ate some Ice Cream and then marched in the 4th of July Parade with lots of
her security and staff. We pick it up on the parade
route with Blitzed and his cameraman.
Blitzed: This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN’s Election
2016 coverage, reporting from the Parade route.
The press is eagerly awaiting Hillary Clinton’s arrival as she strolls
down the street in this Independence Day Parade. I’m personally hoping to get a chance to ask
Hillary a question. I haven’t asked
Hillary a question since,, well,, I haven’t ever asked Hillary a question so I'm very excited about my very first opportunity.
Scene: Hillary comes into view in her Red, White
& Blue Pantsuit slowly walking down the street surrounded by many of
Hillary’s security guards and staffers.
Suddenly, Blitzed sees his chance.
He aggressively seizes the opportunity to pounce!
Blitzed: (shouting to be heard) Madame Secretary! Madame Secretary! Can you name your favorite flavor of Ice
like nearly everything.
Blitzed can ask his follow-up question, (sprinkles or syrup?) he’s roped together
with his cameraman by several of Hillary’s flying monkey minions and pulled
away from the parade route with the rest of his press corps buddies.
What the hell is going on here?
Untie me right now!
Blitzed: (to his fellow reporters) Any of you guys speak Monkey?
Scene:Back at the Cable Ass Network studios editing
room we find Blitzed with his cameraman and editor reviewing the footage from the
CAN Editor: Wow! That’s a load of crap!
Blitzed: Well, isn’t there anything you can use on the
Editor: Oh, we’ll use almost all of it. Just because it’s crap doesn’t mean we won’t
You had me going there. I thought
I had wasted a whole day because CAN had gone back to using real journalistic
Editor: Oh hell no! We’ll go ahead and run this crap, after all,
we’re competing with Jon Stewart on The Daily show.
Thanks to CAN’s relaxed journalistic
standards the day was not a waste for Blitzed.More importantly we found out that Hillary Clinton’s favorite flavor of
Ice Cream is whatever flavor you like,,,,today.
Agent 54 here again. Today we spied on the Ron Burgundy Presidential
Campaign as they attended the National Junk Convention at the America’s Center
in St. Louis Missouri. Here’s my report:
Candidate Ron Burgundy has spoken and the
crowd loved his speech and his hair which was a work of art. The
Campaign bus is parked in front of the Center and volunteers Maureen,
John (who looks great in a straw hat and a St. Louis Cardinals jersey) Joe and
Tim passing out Burgundy campaign fliers and buttons. Candidate Ron Burgundy walks out of the
America’s Center with Campaign Chairman The Only Wendy Shade and Finance
Director/Spiritual Advisor Howard by his side along with a few potential
Burgundy voters. We pick up the
conversation as they walk to the bus.
Ron: ….and that’ why I want no child left behind
Voter: What if they’re lactose
Ron: In my vision for America there will be no
tolerance for the intolerant.
Voter: What? (Campaign Chairman The Only Wendy Shade pulls
the elder potential voter aside and tries to quietly explain what Ron meant [whatever
Ron: Wow wee, I sure am getting hungry. Guess it’s time to head to the bus and chow
down before we set off for Topeka.
Advisor Howard: Ron, we’re heading for
Kansas City next.
Ron: Right! I can’t wait to be back in
Howard: Uh, okay.
gentleman in a gray pinstripe suit with a neat black bow tie waddles up to Ron
and the others as they reach the campaign bus.
Sanford: (calling out) Mr. Burgundy, Mr.
Burgundy I got to talk to you, hold on, Mr. Burgundy.
Ron: Yes, what is it citizen, wait! I saw you inside. You were up front for my speech but, you
Fred: I’m sorry Mr. Burgundy but, it’s my
Arthor-itis (Fred shows him his “crippled”
Ron: I see, call me Ron. What can I do for you and your Arthor-itis?
Fred: Well, Ron, My name is Fred G. Sanford, the G.
stands for Government. I want to talk to you about junk.
Ron: Oh, no thanks we have lots of junk on the
bus. In fact you are welcome to come on
the bus and take some of our junk.
Fred: No, no sir what I mean is that when you’re
President of the United States of America, you’re going to need someone with a
lot of experience to take care of, to organize and sell America’s junk. I’ve been in junk all my life. I got junk in
my head. I got junk in my heart. I got junk in my trunk.
Ron: I see, you’re like a coinsure of junk.
Fred: Yeah, what?
Yeah okay. Let my get my son
Lamont over here to tell you more about my El Segundo Junk Empire. (at
Lamont) Hey Dummy git over here. I want you to meet someone.
over and Fred introduces him.
Fred: Lamont this is the Next President of the USA
Ron Burgundy. Ron, this is my son
Lamont. (they shake hands)
Ron: Nice to meet you, Lamond.
Lamont: It’s Lamont, hey ain’t you the dude who hangs
out with smelly Pirate hookers?
Lamont out of the way and clutches his heart.
Fred: (at Lamont) Get the hell out of here you big dummy. (looking skyward) Oh Elizabeth honey, I’m
comin to join ya,,,, with a campaign bus parked on top of me.
Ron: Calm down now Fred, take it easy (campaign
volunteers come to Fred’s aid)
Ron: I’ve been thinking about what you’ve said and
I’d like to explore the possibilities. (to a volunteer) Maureen, would you get
Fred’s contact info so we can discuss the future position of Senior Junk Adviser
to the President.
Fred: Wow! You really mean it Ron, uh I mean Mr.
Ron: We’ll call you. Holy cow, I’m hungry as hell now. (Ron goes into the bus).
Fred: (daydreaming) Imagine, me, Senior Junk Adviser
to the President of the United States of America.
Maureen: Sir can I get your address?
Fred: Or maybe Secretary of Junk.
Fred: Or Junk Czar.
Fred: Or Junk Master General, Ahhhh.
Wow! Ron is
already off to a great start recruiting America’s best talent for his
cabinet.I just hope the rest of his
choices will be as good as his pick for Junk Master General.
Agent 54 here
again. I had to do a follow-up spying
session on Max, one of our Zombie actor friends who happens to be “reading” for
the leading man roll in a Hollywood movie.
You may remember that Max is tired of playing the traditional Zombie
rolls that he has been typecast for just because he is a Zombie. Let’s see how it goes for Max.
Scene: A sparsely decorated office of the Director. There’s a folding table serving as a desk
with the Director, Writer and an assistant sitting in office chairs behind it
and a folding chair in front of it facing the desk. Various water bottles, papers, folders,
clipboards and pictures (head shots) are scattered on the desk. Another assistant is leaning on the wall,
texting furiously on an IPhone.
into the room . He’s obviously a Zombie
though he’s in his best suit and has his hair neatly slicked back. The mixed smell of Old Spice and rotting flesh
follow him into the room. Max puts his
hand out to shake the Director’s hand.
Director: (ignoring Max’s outstretched hand) Have a
seat. (looking at Max’s resume and Head
shot) Max, it says here you have worked on 26 pictures. What kind of rolls have you played?
Max: (slowly sitting uncomfortably) Well, Uh, you
Director: I see.
You know this picture is about a man running for president. So, you want to be the first Zombie
Max: Well, technically, Al Gore ran for President
Director: Oh yes, I had forgotten. Why do you think you are leading man
Max: Well, I’m a very professional actor with a
lot of experience. I’m tall and good looking, you know, for a Zombie. I’m well-spoken and,,,
Director: (interrupting Max and scrunching his nose) Wait!
What the hell is that smell?
Writer: Ooww, it stinks like fromunda cheese!
Assistant: It’s the Zombie, sir!
Director: Max is that you?
Max: Uh, well, I tried to mask the smell with Old
Spice. Um, I’m sure it won’t affect the
movie. You can’t smell motion pictures.
Director: Thank you Max, that will be all, NEXT!
Scene: A dark and dirty bar in a nasty section of
LA. Max is at the bar in his suit with
his Zombie buddies Allan and Brad.
Allan: Hey, I told you so.
Brad: Oh com’on Allan. Give the man a break! At least he tried to better himself. What have you done to better yourself lately?
Allan: I didn’t go make a fool of myself trying to
get a job I had no business trying for.
Brad: Nice! Kick your friend when he’s down. Well, I’m proud of Max.
Max: (starring into his Bloody Mary) Allan’s right. It was foolish for me to expect anything to
change for us. We’ll never be accepted.
bursts into the bar.
Tommy: Hey guys!
They’re casting for “Zombienado”!
What the hell is that?
Tommy: Didn’t ya hear? They’re making a movie that’s a blend between
Zombies and Sharknado. You get it don’t ya? You know, we’re all doing our Zombie thing
and then the Sharknado comes and the Sharks eat us. I know, the Sharks are the heroes but, what
the hell? It’s work and they’re
hiring a hundred of us.
Max: (sarcastically) Great.
Allan: I’m gonna do it. I got bills to pay.
Max: Com’on buddy. Let’s do it.
The work will take your mind off your troubles.
Max: Yeah, ain’t got nothing better to do and
besides, I always wanted to be fish food.
Brad: Pull your head out of your ass and let’s get
going. I gotta get a new head shot.
Zombies rise and start to shuffle out of the bar.
Allan: Yeah, here we go, payin dues again.
Max and Brad
look at each other.
Max and Brad
together: Brains, brains, moan, groan.
Allan: Damn comedians.
What does this story tell us about
the bias of the Hollywood Liberal Elite?
Agent 54 here again. Today we found Ron Burgundy in Bend Oregon
holding an outdoor town hall type meeting in a Home Depot parking lot near
Riverbend Park. There are a few dozen
people around including the campaign volunteers who are distributing campaign
materials to the voters in the crowd. Ron
is standing on a couple of wood pallets for a stage and the Campaign bus is
parked behind him. We pick up Ron at the end of his opening remarks that Tim
Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy
Ron: ….so we
must secure our National borders. Now I
want to open it up to hear what you folks from Blend Oregon have to say.
crowd: It’s Bend!
Ron: What’s bent?
The borders? Yeah, some say
Joe B.: whispers into Ron’s ear.
Ron: Ah yes, I mean the beautiful town of Bend
Oregon. Let’s hear from you. Oh, I see
someone has bought some fencing. Going
to secure your home’s borders, are you?
fencing in the crowd: Yes we are and
your hair is a work of art, Ron!
Ron: Oh, well thank you darling Anyone else got a question or statement?
wearing a camouflaged fishing hat, dirty wife-beater undershirt, dirty shorts
and clam digger boots, pushing a brand new wheelbarrow with a new flat shovel,
a bag of manganese, a bottle of Chinch bug poison and some other various lawn
care products pops up in the crowd out of nowhere.
Spackler: Yeah, over heeeree! I got something I wanna ask.
Ron: Yes sir, you with the wheelbarrow, please
tell us your name.
Carl: It’s me, Carl Spackler over at Bushwood
Country Club. You know, assistant head
Ron: Carl Spackler everyone.
Mild applause from the crowd.
Carl: Yeah, I wanted to talk about how our borders
get invaded from North every year and how this invasion is intruding on the
freedom of freedom loving Americans everywhere.
Ron: Uh, invasion from the North, I don’t follow
Carl: Oh yeah, I’m talking about the big ones. Yes, those big fat Canada geese fly south
every year and they land on my golf course and they eat the grass and they poop
all over the place until you can’t make a 3 foot putt without rolling the ball
through goose poop.
Ron: I see.
So, you want someone to stop the geese from coming here and pooping.
Carl: That’s exactly right and I know how we can do
it too. You see we set up these
electronic supersonic sound emitters all along the Northern border. These devices make noises that only geeses
can hear and it scares the crap out of the pooping gooses and they just turn
and fly for home, you know, somewhere in Canada. Problem solved.
Ron: But, if the geese aren’t allowed to fly South
as they have done naturally for millions of years, won’t they freeze and starve
to death in the harsh Canadian winter?
Queen of Canada
We don’t really want to murder millions of Canada geese, do we?
Carl: Uh, I hadn’t thought about that. Well, maybe the Queen of Canada can provide
some goose shelters with heat for the geeses in winter.
speaks up from the growing crowd.
Stewart: You know I have a lovely recipe
Goose. I believe in America some time
ago we used to eat goose often but somehow we got away from goose and turned to
chicken and turkey. I think if America
could return to the good old goose eating days, that would help with the poop
Ron: Well, I doubt that Americans will actually
eat enough geese to rectify this situation.
Martha: Well, I was only trying to help and I’ll be
inside the Home Depot if anyone wants some personal gardening tips from Martha
Ron: That’s it!
Carl: What’s it?
Ron: I have a brilliant idea for you. See,
you take that wheelbarrow and your shovel and you collect up all the goose poop
on the greens and you fill up your dump truck with goose poop and then you take
it to the area farmers and you sell it to them as fertilizer. It’s a win-win-win situation!
Carl: You mean, I could sell the poop?
Ron: That’s right. How much goose poop is on the golf course?
Carl: Tons, I guess.
Ron: Well, even at 10 cents a pound you could make
a lot of extra cash. And no geese get
harmed in the process.
Carl: So I could get paid for shoveling shit. Hey!
That is a great idea. Everyone
let’s hear it for Ron Burgundy and his goose poop plan.
had grown to about 60 people by now and they applaud enthusiastically.
Carl: (very loudly)
My man Ron Burgundy, he’s, he’s got my vote.
gets louder with some hoots and whistles.
Wendy Shade has been watching all this in amazement. She approaches Ron.
Wendy, what just happened?
I don’t know but, keep it up, you’re doing great!
The Burgundy Campaign is really hot
now. It’s gaining momentum like a giant
ball of goose poop rolling downhill.
Will anything slow Ron Down?
Keep looking here for your Burgundy
Campaign updates right up to election day.