Sunday, February 2, 2014

Thoughtless

Agent 54 here again.  

Alias Inkhorn once said “A thoughtless person is like a leafless tree.”

  Someone called me thoughtless so I thought about it.

  What is a thoughtless person?  All people have thoughts,,,don't they?  I hope they do.  I mean, even dogs have thoughts,,,don't they?   And what about a dog that craps on your lawn?  Is that a thoughtless dog or did he plan it?  Maybe the Cat told the dog to crap on your lawn.  A thoughtless Cat?  Please!   Cats are always thinking because they are always plotting and scheming and that is why they dominate this planet.



So, those were some of my thoughts.  If you didn't like my thoughts you may have called me a thoughtless person for wasting minutes of your life with worthless dribble however, you would be wrong because I obviously put a lot of thought into wasting your time.  How thoughtless of me.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

NSA Petting Zoo


  Agent 54 here again.  Well, I was in my cubicle at the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) when a group of VIPs were being given a tour of the building.  Because my cubicle is the first one they see, being right at the end of the hallway, the tour groups always pause right there and the person leading the groups always gives a brief description of us Listener/Readers.  This always makes me feel like an animal on display at the zoo.

  The other day it was even worse as some of the ladies in the group must have thought of it as a “petting zoo”.    I was just sitting there when one of them started rubbing my bald head.  She was petting me like a donkey or something.  Well, I don’t like to cause a big stink at work so, I just went with it and when the other lady started hand feeding me Doritos well, I figured “this isn’t so bad, let’s just go with it”.

Harbor Seal
  It was the third lady that took it to extremes.  When I think about it now I have to wonder why she was walking in a tour of a high security building, dressed in a business suit, with an open can of sardines?  However at the time she started dangling the sardines in front of me, well, I couldn’t help myself.  You know how much I love sardines, so who can blame me for clapping my flippers and barking like Harbor Seal?  Those sardines were delicious!

  Next thing I know, Commander Gasket is staring at me with that look of extreme disapproval on his face.  I felt like a fool but, the sardine lady still had half a can of sardines and the other lady still had some Doritos.  I was trapped between a rock and a hard place. 

  By the time everyone left my area I had so much orange spice powder from the Doritos on my face I looked like one The Joker’s henchmen.  I also had the breath of a gluttonous  Sea Lion.

  I don’t know why this happened but, I feel like I was set up.  I don’t know what
Commander Gasket
Gasket is going to put in his report.  This whole episode gives me pause to ask a lot of questions like:  Is someone at the NSA trying to get rid of me?  Why would anyone do that?  Does someone think I’m underfed?  Why would anyone think that?  Who walks around with an open can of sardines all day long?


  If you know the answers to any of these questions please type them in the comments boxes.  Without your help I may never figure what really happened that day at the NSA Petting Zoo.


Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Monica Mess Game Show

Agent 54 here again.  I found this file in the trash at the NSA.  Somebody didn’t want this out there.  When I read it, I just cracked up. 
It’s time for America’s favorite new Internet game show!

              Trivia Pursuit Live

(Monicagate Edition)

(Applause)

     I’m your host, Stink Fartinmale.  Let me explain the game.  The object is is to acquire pieces of Pie and stuff  yourself  like an Toronto Mayor Rob Ford by answering questions about the time period when the World first got to know Monica Lewinsky in intimate detail.

(Applause)

Is is everybody ready to play?  (Applause, Cheers & Hoots)

Great! Here’s today’s first Question, just shout out the answer;

Q1:  What do Bill Clinton, Elliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner all have in common?  Good Luck.

(Applause)

It’s Stink Fartinmale again.  We have a correct answer from Hillary Clinton  who said they all need to be neutered. 

Congratulations, you have won a Piece of Pie that has been a Washington favorite and is is catching on all over the USA.  That’s right, it’s Chocolate Cherry Surprise Pie. 

(Applause)                         
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE!

Congratulations and good luck on Question 2.

Q2: Who is is Vernon Jordan?

 (Ohs & Awes)

It’s Stink here again, looks like time has expired on Question 2.

(Ohs & Awes)

Vernon Jordan
The correct answer to Q2:  Who is is Vernon Jordan?, Is is,,,, he was Monica Lewinsky’s Personal Employment Agent.  I think he had some other official government position but his main job was to keep Monica quiet and reward her for her “services” by getting her a cushy job with Revlon.

(Applause)

Ready for Question 3?

Q3:  On what part of her body did Monica Lewinsky wear a “beret”?

That’s right! Gennifer Flowers, You gave me head and that’s always a correct answer.  Your prize is is a special piece of pie that will remind you of your youth.  Yes, here straight from your grade school cafeteria it’s a slice of “Mystery Meat Pie”.   Yeah, you may not know what it is is but you’ll love it anyway.

(Applause)

Stink:  Let’s get ready for Question 4 where we have 3 live contestants from Washington D.C. on our stage!

Stink:  Q4: Monica’s blue dress was what color?   

Stink:  Yes Mrs. Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi:  It was a rainbow and it had free Unicorns on it and it was very beautiful.

Stink:  Uh no, not at all.  Anybody else?  Yes President Obama.

Barack Obama:  The dress in question was definitely colored Red, I promise you, period.

Stink:  No, that’s not true.  Yes, Presidential spokesman Jay Carney.

Jay Carney:  The President clearly stated that the dress was Green.

Stink:  No, the President actually said it was Red.

Barack Obama:  What Jay Carney said is the truth!

Stink:  How can that be?

Jay Carney:  When the President said “Red” he clearly meant in the Green spectrum of the color pallet of dresses made in the USA at that time.

Stink:  Well it doesn’t really matter anyway because the correct answer is BLEW!  All of you were very wrong.

Barack Obama:  I clearly stated that the dress was BLEW.

Jay Carney:  The President couldn’t have been more transparent on this issue.

Stink:   Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have tonight for;  


    Trivia Pursuit Live

       (Monicagate Edition)


                                                                                                                           
(Applause) 

This is is Stink Fartinmale saying, join us next time and just because the current White House is a real mess, that’s no excuse to forget a thing about the stinking mess that was the White House in the 1990s.  Good bye everyone!



Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year’s Party at the NSA

  Agent 54 here again.  The New Year is approaching fast and that means New Year’s Parties.  Of course I am one of the “designated drivers” for our party at the NSA because I don’t drink.   I’m okay with doing that because I want my friends to get home safely and I usually get some good stories out of the dumb stuff that happens when people drink too much.  I’ve prepared by loading my truck with barf-bags, breath mints, a first aid kit, fire extinguisher and extra towels and blankets.  Just sayin, better safe than sorry.

  I’ll give you updates here as the party goes on and I’ll have to finish this report tomorrow because I can’t write and drive at this time.  It should be an interesting night because we have so many unusual personalities working at the Nominal Secrets Apparatus and they can each bring a guest.  Let the good times roll!

  10:34 pm New Year’s Eve:  My wife Carol and I got here about an hour ago and helped set things up.  We’re in the huge cafeteria and it’s all decorated and there’s enough booze here get the whole town drunk.  I’ve introduced my wife to my friends and met their wives and/or girlfriends as they have come in.  Right now, I kicking back at a table by myself with a Dr. Pepper and a funny hat and I feel like Forrest Gump in NYC at New Years.  My wife is gabbing away in a lady circle with new friends she’s already made like Mrs. Gasket, Lovely Rita-Meter Maid, Agent 99, Flo and Madge as the room quickly fills.

  11:02 pm New Year’s Eve:  My buddy Billy Idol just walked into the room with Lady Gaga and everybody shouted out for him.  He’s enjoying the limelight like the Rock Star he was and he looks half-drunk already.  He and lady Gaga took the stage with the local band that was hired for the night named Talk To Sheep featuring Nate Morrow on guitar.

  11.04 pm  New Year’s Eve:  Billy is whaling “with a rebel yell” and the place is rockin.  Now it’s a party.  Lady Gaga is whaling with Billy and it works.

  11:16 pm New Year’s Eve:  My table has filled up as my buddy John Rumble has joined me.  As usual, he has no shirt on and is wearing a black bow-tie.  He has already attracted Flo and Madge over to the table.  Billy, with Lady Gaga all over him, threw his leather vest over the chair next to me and then the two of them disappeared.  I think there’s a smoky little party going on just outside the back door of this building.  I don’t care as long as they don’t drive.

  11:28 pm New Year’s Eve:  I’ve been trying to sell Rumble on my Batman The Moron  movie idea but, I’m sensing he’s not all that interested.  Flo and Madge are ogling John and I sense that he would rather be somewhere else.  Madge says she’s retired from Palmolive and working at the NSA part-time.  Her nails still look good.  Flo said she’s here with the Geico Gecko but I haven’t seen the little green bugger all night.  In fact, I never seen him at work either.  Maybe he’s on the night-shift?

  11:29 pm New Year’s Eve:  My boss, H. Cuffs is making the rounds and he stopped by my table.  H. Cuffs is still pleased that I caught Yogi Bear before he could bust Boo Boo out of the slammer but, the thing is, the judge let Boo Boo out a week later under Ranger Smith’s recognizance.  Oh well, at least I scored a brownie point with H. Cuffs.

  11:32 pm New Year’s Eve:  Uh oh, here comes Gasket.  I like Commander Gasket enough but, I don’t want him to find out what’s going on out back.  He would probably start trouble and get his butt whupped and that would not be cool and I would have to go try to save him and I’d probably end up getting my butt whupped and I just don’t need all that tonight.  Shhhhh! Here he comes.

Commander Gasket:  Good Evening everyone.  Fine party, wouldn’t you say?

Rambo:  Great!  I gotta take a leak.  (Rumble gets up and leaves).

Commander Gasket:  Yes well, Agent 54, I trust there is no Rum in that Dr. Pepper you have there.  I know that you and I are both Designated Drivers tonight.

Agent 54:  Nothing but Dr. Pepper here.  I take my job seriously.  Say Inspector, have you met my wife, Carol?   (I get up and try to lead the inspector away to where my wife is still yaking but, he stops me).

Commander Gasket:  Wait a minute! That smell. You know what that is?

Agent 54:  (nervously) Uh, I think I stepped on a cow pie on the way in and,,,

Commander Gasket:  (interrupting) No, that’s the smell of Marijuana.  I’d know that smell anywhere from my many training seminars with the DEA, FBI,TSA, NCIS and others.  Well, it is a party.  Now, where’s that lovely wife of yours?

I was in shock.  He was cool about what was going on out back too.  I guess he figured as long as they don’t drive and keep it outside, hey It’s New Years.  I quickly regained my senses and dragged him over to meet Carol.

  11:45 pm  Some red-eyed wastiod tugged at my sleeve and said “Dude, dude you a friend of Billy’s?” 

Agent 54:  Yeah, is he okay?

Wastiod:  Uh, what do you mean by Okay?

Agent 54:  Where is he?

  11:48 pm  The wastiod led me to find Billy Idol out back, face down in the vomit filled grass with his butt up in the air and Lady Gaga leaning on it.  She’s singing something I’ve never heard before in between taking large gulps from a large liquor bottle. 

Agent 54:  Okay give me a hand,,,

I look around and nobody but, Billy and Gaga are there.  Was the wastiod a ghost or something?  Who knows?

  11:59 pm  I barely got those two into my 1998 Mercury Mountaineer, slammed the door and ran back to the party.  I have to find and tell Carol where I’m going or she will panic and call the police or worse, tell Gadget that I’m missing.  All the way back I’m wondering how much damage Billy and Gaga could be doing to my truck.

  12:01 am  A minute late.

Carol:  Where the hell were you?

At this point I know I have to tell her the entire story and somehow make her stay at the party while I drive the drunkies home.   As story time goes on and on I’m thinking that more and more damage is occurring in the truck and I start to panic.  What if one of those knuckleheads hot-wires my truck?

 
Nate Morrow with Talk To Sheep
12:04 am  I head for the exit.

 Agent 54:   I got to go!  I’ll fill you in on the rest of the details later!

Carol:  Yeah whatever!

As I pass through the doorway I’m thinking “why did I volunteer for this?”  I get to the truck, open the driver’s door and see alcohol and vomit soaked clothing all over the front seats.  I glimpse back to see the nearly naked drunkies doing what nearly naked drunkies do.

Agent 54:  Put your seat belts on you two!

Of course they ignore me and I start the truck and pull out slowly.  Looking back at the door of the cafeteria where the party is, I see my wife in the doorway with her hands on her hips.  Great!  This is gonna be a fine start to a fine New Year.

  As I drive, I begin to relax.  No problems.  I’m driving and I’m sober.  The drunkies haven’t seemed to even notice that we’re on the road to Gaga’s hotel (there’s only one hotel in town so it’s got to be hers)  What could go wrong?  ROADBLOCK!  A sobriety check-point ahead.

Agent 54:  Drunkies! Get your clothes on.  We got a shitload of cops up ahead!  Get dressed right now dammit!

I guess it was the word “cops” that sobered them up enough to attempt to redress themselves.  I was grabbing wet (I didn’t know which was soaked in booze or vomit, yuk!) clothing and tossing it into the back seat.  As I take a final look in the mirror before speaking to the officer I see something amazing.  The drunkies are both reasonably dressed with seat belts on but, they had switched some articles of clothing and they both had their hair and make-up messed up so bad that I couldn’t tell which one was which.  No matter, time to talk to the cop.

  12:24 am  I did it!  I handled the cop like a pro.  I mean, I just told him the truth but, I was still worried.  I mean I smelled like a liquor store because the drunkies clothing was soaked with it.  Oh, no.  A wet sock hits me in the head and lands on the dashboard.  I look in the mirror. 

Agent 54:  Can’t you two wait until we get to the Hotel?  It’s just another 10 minutes for Yoda’s sake!

  12:35 am  We arrive at the hotel and I tell the drunkies to get dressed again.

  12:45 am  I got the twenty something aged valet to help me and we get the half-dressed drunkies out of my truck.  I spot a puddle of vomit on the back seat floor that I was previously unaware of.

Valet:  Hey dude, is this Billy Idol?

Agent 54:  Naw kid, It’s a look-a-like we hired for the New Year’s party.  (what are friends for?).

Valet:  Wow, he looks just like him only older and drunker.

  12:55 am  We finally win our struggle to get the drunkies into the room and flop them on each on their own double bed.  Billy is unconscious.

Lady Gaga:  (slurring both words)  Thanks Bob. (She immediately passes out.)

Valet:  Who’s Bob?

Agent 54:  You are!  C’mon Bob, let’s get the hell out of here.

   1:05 am  The valet got me a bucket and a sponge and some Mr. Clean and I’m scrubbing vomit out of my truck in the hotel parking lot.  What a glorious way to start the New Year.  Happy 2014!  It’s all soup and nuts from here.


   1:15 am  I’m on the road back to the party and I’m reviewing the night’s events in my head.  I may have saved my friend’s and possibly some other driver’s lives by doing my disgusting duties.  That makes me feel good and I figure I’ll probably do it again next year.  Yeah, I guess, all’s well that ends well.  Now, just how much of this story do I try to explain to Carol? 
  



Sunday, December 29, 2013

Balls!

 Agent 54 here again.  Some people might say that I have been blessed with a lot of balls.  Those people would be right.

  In fact, I collect balls. What kind of balls you ask?  Many different and diverse kinds of balls.  From small red rubber balls to bowling balls, I find, clean and care for my balls.

  I have a pretzel jar where I keep my small, colorful bouncy balls.  These are my favorites.  I find them when I’m out treasure hunting with my metal detector.  No silly, the metal detector does not detect balls unless they are brass or steel, iron, copper, silver or gold.  No, I find these small bouncy balls by being observant and watching where I’m going.  I have become a bouncy ball snob as it were.  If the balls are discolored or cracked or have, heaven forbid, pieces missing, I throw them into the trash.  Balls that pass my initial inspection get washed in anti-bacterial soap and then further cleaned and shined with Avon’s Skin So Soft.  This makes my balls smell nice and they feel soft and smooth to the touch and of course, Skin So Soft is great for my hands too.

  I often find Baseballs and Tennis balls but I don’t keep them long.  I sell some of my balls at the Play-it-Again Sports shop.   I take a large bag of balls into the store and the shopkeeper inspects them.  He gives me $.50 for the baseballs and $.10 for the tennis or as I call them, the dog balls.  (I call the tennis balls, dog balls because that is what they sell them for.  Dogs love my balls.) 

  Some would say that my obsession with collecting balls is NUTZ!  They might say that I’m losing my marbles but, they would be way off base.  I actually find the marbles that everyone else is losing.  I clean and shine them the same way I do with my balls and keep them in a small glass jar that once held a Yankee Candle.  If they want to challenge my sanity, ha!, let them.  I’ll just look at my jar of their marbles on my coffee table and I’ll know who the sane one is.




Bobbers!  Bobbers are not balls.





Footballs!  I love footballs and I love watching football.  I used to love to play football and I have the scars to prove it.  I find Footballs in the park behind my apartment.  Usually I find them in the lake.  People love to play football in the park but, every now and then they throw the ball into the lake and then eventually it floats down to my end of the lake and it becomes part of my collection.  Again, the Skin So Soft treatment makes them feel nice as I hold onto one of my footballs while watching a game.

  I have many other kinds of balls, many Golf balls, Soccer balls, Basketballs etc… in my collection.  I don’t think my fascination with balls is any more nutz than anyone else’s fascination with Ghosts, Space Aliens, Bigfoots, Fruit Flies or Politics.  I hope you don’t think I’m a Nuttball.  Thank you for allowing me to show and share my balls with you.


Remember, I’m wishing you a Happy New Year as we all watch the sparkling ball of lights drop in Times Square.





Thursday, December 26, 2013

World Domination

Do you even know who runs this planet?

  Ha!  I scoff at you when you say “Humans” run planet Earth.  Which humans I reply?  The Muslims, Christians, Jews or the Americans, Chinese, Russians or the Free Mason’s, Democrats, Republicans or Blacks, Whites or Asians?  Ha! humans are so divided, inept, incompetent and egotistical that even though they may have dominated the planet long ago they have allowed another species to take over without even noticing it.

  Cats dominate Planet Earth today.  This fact is easy to see if you look for it.  Here’s a fine example.  This ordinary Cat has telepathically instructed its human to construct not just one for the human but a set, for both of them, of tinfoil hats.  What is the purpose of tinfoil hats, you ask?  To make the wearer look silly.  This Cat was so confident in its total control of its human that it made the human do this and then, through the power of telepathic suggestion made the "owner" take a picture of the two of them and post it on the internet for all the world to see.  This is the Cat’s total domination of the human who thinks his species is in control.

  Why do human women love to buy shoes?  Does anyone really need 57 pairs of shoes?  No, of course not.  Why then?  I’ll tell you why.  For generations now Cats have been sending subliminal messages and using telepathy to convince women to buy new shoes simply because the Cats enjoy playing in and sleeping in the shoe boxes.  Oh yes!  You know it’s true.  A Cat will chew on an old pair of shoes just to make it’s human woman go buy a new pair so the Cat can have a new box.  How diabolical!  Just think if the woman’s husband tried this.

  Cats don’t just dominate individuals.  The Feline influence is everywhere including some of our biggest and richest organizations like the National Football League.  
Of course the Cats had us name two of the old NFL teams the Lions and the Bengals but, after some time, that wasn’t enough for them.  We now have two new teams, not surprisingly to me, named the Jaguars and the Panthers.  Even that is not enough for the Cats.  I went to an NFL game and saw a the Lions play the Panthers in the Jaguar’s stadium.  There was a “Cougar” in the stands wearing Leopard skin while the teams ran the Wildcat formation.  That’s Domination.

Of course it wasn’t always this way.  Long ago big Cats were domesticated and bred to be barnyard animals.  Their job was to keep the rodent population under control and they did this very efficiently.  A little too efficiently because when the job was done, the Cats were left with free time.  Free time to plot and plan.  Though the Ancient Egyptians worshiped the Cats, it was during the Black Plague that the Cats really seized their opportunity to dominate the whole world.  When it was learned that the Plague was spread by rodents, Cats were brought from the farms into the cities to do the job they had already perfected.  Once in the cities it was just a matter of playing up the “cute and cuddly” role and they were in like Flynn.  Let the Domination begin.

  Do Cats dominate human Governments you inquire?  Seriously, do you need to ask?  Right now the Environment Protection Agency (EPA) is checking the Mercury content of Tuna fish and sampling pasteurized milk just to ensure a safe and tasty food supply for Cats.  You may think you are voting for the candidate with the best hair or the cutest guy but, the Cats have telepathically brainwashed you to vote for the one who will vote to increase government funding for flea collars.  That’s Political Domination.

  All you Cat “owners” out there, ask yourself, who really owns who?  The Cat may find a mouse once in while or eat a spider now and then but, what else do they really do for you.  If a burglar comes into the house, the Cat is just as likely to snuggle up to them as you, if the Cat thinks the burglar may feed it.  You buy the Cat food, medicine, toys, scratching posts and you spend your valuable time stroking the Cat and telling it how wonderful it is and yet, if you dropped dead on the floor, how long would it be until the Cat decided to eat your body?  Who really is at the top of the food chain in your house?  Digestive Domination.

   Yes, many “Cat owners” think they love their Cats and the Cats love them.  I don’t doubt the humans love the Cats.  The human will take a Cat that was purchased for $20.00 as a kitten to the Veterinarian and spend $80.00 on medicines and vaccinations for the Kitty flu.  The human will care for and provide a life of leisure and luxury for the Cat until it is old and feeble and then at the end of the Cat’s life, the human will humanly, put the Cat down to ease its suffering.  Remember humans, this same Cat will crap behind your couch and not even tell you about it, if you forget to provide access to a litter box.  When you do discover the Cat “present”, the Cat will look at you like it is your fault and you know what,,,it is your fault!  Domestic Domination.

  Oh yes, Cats have woven their way into all areas of human existence.  Who here hasn’t eaten a Kit-Cat bar or gone to see a ball game involving the Tigers or Lions or Wildcats ect…?  Who hasn’t seen Alice and the Cheshire Cat or Batman and Catwoman on TV?  Who hasn’t wanted to sail away on a Catamaran or caused a Catastrophe?  Who here hasn’t fired a Catapult or looked at the sears Catalog?  You know we all have.  Subconscious Domination.

   Nothing lasts forever.  When will the Feline domination of planet Earth end?  I don’t know but, I believe I know who the next challenger for Global Domination is and you should be able to figure this one out too.  That’s right, it’s The Penguins!  Think about it.  Why are Penguins black and white when they’re environment is all white?  They may as well be wearing a sign that says “Eat Me”.  No, they are black and white to look like they are wearing  tuxedos.  Humans say, “oh aren’t they cute, they’re wearing tuxedos
Penguins Plotting
for the prom”.   Yes, the Penguins have been using their cuteness to integrate with human society the same way the Cats did.  Look on the TV.  You see Tennessee Tuxedo, Chilli Willie and The Pittsburg Penguins.  What about Batman’s arch enemy, The Penguin and the Penguin who hangs out with the General of General Car Insurance?  You even see Penguins around Christmas time hanging out with Santa even though they couldn’t live farther apart and still be on the same planet.  Why do you think Algore is always pushing a silly and unproven theory about global warming?  He is under the influence of the Penguins who now have millions of humans trying to “cool down” the earth.  Yes, cool it down to temperatures better suited for the Penguins.  

  I don’t know if the Penguins will be successful in their quest for World Domination.  Myself, I’m immune to their charm.  To me the just look like something tasty to put on the grill.  There is no doubt though, about the success of the Cats in their quest to Dominate the Internet.  There are more Blogs, Blog Hops, Caturdays and Google plus groups for Cats than any other subject.  At any moment you can find new and even cuter pictures and videos of Cats on the web.  What you are unaware of is the subliminal messages that the Cats are bombarding you with while you watch their “innocent little adventures”.  They could convince you that you “look good” in Leopard skin and you wouldn’t even know it.  Communication Domination.

  Remember this warning and take notice the next time you watch an MGM movie and see the Lion roar in the opening credits.  Try to resist when you watch those cute Cat videos that everyone posts to Facebook.  If you have to, wear a tinfoil hat when you surf the web.  Because in the end, it may only be human awareness that has any real chance to reverse the World Domination by Cats.







Sunday, December 15, 2013

Assholes

  Agent 54 was proud to serve in the United States Marine Corps.  I certainly got a  lot out of my 4 years, like many stories about absolute assholes.  I hesitate to say that only a month after celebrating the 238th USMC birthday but, there is no doubt that the Marine Corps has more than a few assholes in it.  I don’t know if there is a correct time of the year to discuss assholes but, I’m pressed for time with Christmas coming soon and I have already written this so, with all due respect, here are the stories of three Giant Assholes.  I hope you enjoy.

  Was it Socrates or maybe Plato or Dennis Leary who said “being an Asshole isn’t all it’s cracked up to be?  No matter, because when it comes to reviewing the thousands of Assholes you have crossed paths with in a lifetime, all former Marines know where to start.  Marine Corps Boot Camp.

  “Hecht, you’re so worthless you would need 2 promotions to be an Asshole” bellowed Drill Instructor Staff Sergeant Smyth as I performed push-ups in the sand pit with 9 of my closest fellow Marine recruits.  “An Asshole has a purpose” he yelled and I thought “yes you do SSGT, yes you do”.  Of course I said nothing as SSGT Smyth surely would have kicked mine for speaking up.  He was the biggest Asshole in Boot Camp.  The other DIs were mean but, SSGT Smyth enjoyed his job way too much.  He was a big red-headed Irishman and I’m sure his hobbies included torturing kittens and booby trapping turtles.  Years after Boot Camp, I ran into SSGT Smyth at the chow hall.  I was a Corporal by then and so we were fellow NCOs.  I respectfully said hello to him and he looked at me as if to say “if all these people weren’t around here now, I’d choke you”.   I don’t know why but, he still hated me and he was still a Giant Asshole.

  Staff Sergeant Dave Stein was a Giant Asshole from Ohio.  He was a 350lb Champion “body builder” who lied, cheated, stole and didn’t feel his day was complete until he went off on a “roid rage” on somebody.  His legendary outbursts made him the scourge of the Marine Corps Property unit that I was unfortunately assigned to.  This guy would scare Jack Nicholson because he was strong enough to twist your head off with his bare hands faster than you can twist a cap off a beer.   When he was on a “roid rage” episode he would turn bright red and with his pointy ears and flat-top haircut he looked like the Devil’s enforcer.  One day I came back to the office from a short road trip to do my paperwork at my desk.  As I walked down the hallway to the office, Stein burst through the door redder than I had ever seen him before and yelled at me “Don’t say a word, Hecht” “Don’t say a word”.   I flattened against the wall as he passed, followed by everyone else from the office and I didn’t say anything to anyone the rest of that day.  I still don’t know what that was all about but, to this day I still hold something against anyone or anything from Ohio.

  Sergeant J. W. Slattery was a Lance-Corporal when I first met him.  Two quick promotions later he became one of the biggest Assholes of all time.  Slat was  a pretty boy and the Captain’s pet.  He was good-looking, smart, athletic and from a rich, prominent family in Michigan. He had three and half years of college behind him but, he got kicked out of school before graduation for sleeping with the Dean’s mother or something like that.  The picture of his “fiancĂ©” back home was beautiful but, that didn’t stop him from banging every cutie he possibly could and he didn’t care if they were married or not.  Slat had it all and I think it was just boredom and meanness that made him mess with anyone who was a lesser rank and less than perfect.   Slat had all the tools to be a fine Marine.  He could have helped and guided the rest of us but, no, he purposefully chose to be a Giant Asshole.

  There are many stories I could tell where Slat meritoriously earned the title of “Giant Asshole”.  I’ll just tell the first one.  My first fitness reports were to be done by Sergeant Sauls whom I worked directly for.  Sgt Sauls gave me the equivalent of all As & Bs and eventually I earned a Meritorious Promotion to Lance-Corporal.   Just to be a Giant Asshole Sgt. Slattery wrote a fitness report for me, giving me all Ds & Fs and he tried to submit it before Sgt. Sauls could submit the real one.  If the Gunnery Sergeant had accepted the false report, it would have seriously hurt my career in the USMC.  The Gunny rejected it and I did quite well in my 4 years.  The only clue I have as to why Slattery tried to do this to me is that he was trying to become a permanent member of the biggest Asshole ever club.  He succeeded.

  In my 4 years in the USMC I met many fine Marines who got the job done without being Assholes most of the time.  The three afore mentioned Marines chose to be supreme Assholes 24-7 and I could tell many more stories about each of them that would confirm that point.  For those many reasons I would like to nominate them all for the first annual “Life-Time Giant Asshole Achievement” Award.



Well done, Assholes!

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Bangalow Bill’s Outer Space Adventure

  Agent 54 here again.  We monitored the recording of a very interesting interview by Blitzed Wolfer of famous big game hunter Bangalow Bill.  You may be aware that Bangalow Bill was “persuaded” to change his ways of hunting to more “non-lethal” methods.  Check this out.

Blitzed Wolfer:  This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN.  Today we’re at the San Diego Zoo talking to Big Game hunter Bangalow Bill.  How are you Bill?

Bangalow Bill:  Quite well thank you.

Blitzed:  I’m not sure that everyone knows that you have changed you ways and that you no longer shoot animals dead.  Can you tell us how you hunt now?

Bill:  Surely.  Well I often use a tranquilizer dart gun or a camera to “shoot” my prey.  I help with the conservation movement by “tagging” lots of animals so they can be tracked by the people studying the migration of the different species.

Blitzed:  That is a noble endeavor but, you recently tried a different method that didn’t quite work out so well, didn’t you?

Bill:  Quite right.  Well, I have read about this “Knockout game” where young hooligans roam the streets in packs and try to pick out an unsuspecting victim, often women and children, to punch in the face and “knockout”.

Blitzed:  Yes, that is a terrible true story.  The “Knockout game” is a crime that is spreading around the United States.

Bill:  Indeed, and it doesn’t seem very sporting to me.  So, I decided to try it with wild animals.  Of course, wild animals are always on the lookout and therefore much harder to sneak up on.  Also, I believe it would be much harder to “knockout” a large animal.

Blitzed:  That seems like it would be extremely dangerous, bordering on stupid.

Bill:  Absolutely! However that is what makes it such a thrill.  Of course, with my vast experience in the wild, I wasn’t worried.  I staked out a large untamed part of the Pacific Northwest and began my hunt.  I tried stalking prey for a couple of days but, that wasn’t working so, I climbed a tree and made a tree stand and waited for my victim to approach.

Blitzed:  That seems a bit foolish, Bill.  How are you going to punch a wild animal in the face from a tree?

Bill:  I would have to rely on my cat-like agility and the element of surprise.

Blitzed:  That still seems kinda dumb.

Bill:  I admit it wasn’t the smartest thing I’d ever attempted.

Blitzed:  Yeah, it’s like something you’d see on the TV show “Jackass”.

Bill:  Now listen here.  I don’t have to take these insults.  I can go home,,,

Blitzed:  (interrupting)  I apologize please continue with your story.

Bill:  Well, there I was in the tree when a large animal walked directly underneath me.

Blitzed:  So your strategy was a success!

Bill:  Uh, not quite.  Attempting to swing a mighty blow from the tree, I slipped and fell from the tree onto the huge shoulders of the animal.

Blitzed:  I saw that coming a mile away.

Bill:  Do you mind?

Blitzed:  I’m sorry, please continue.  What happened next?

Bill:  There was a couple of seconds of brilliant white light and then I found myself in a strange room, still on the shoulders of the huge hairy animal.  There was what appeared to be a console on one side of the room with another large hairy animal behind it apparently working the controls.

Blitzed:  Oh my, you must have been scared to death.

Bill:  Indeed.  Then the animal behind the console spoke.  “Hey Duane, who’s your friend?” he said.  The animal I was on took me off and set me down on the floor like I was a toy soldier.  He said “I don’t know but, I’d like to punt him right off this ship.”  “He must have hit my GPS by accident and beamed us both back here”.

Blitzed:  At this point you must have realized that you were not in Kansas anymore.

Bill:  Kansas?

Blitzed:  Nevermind, please tell us more.

Bill:  At this point I was beginning to think something was drastically wrong.

Blitzed:  (under his breath)  Duh!

Bill:  I spoke to my attempted prey.  “Duane, would you be so kind as to tell me where I am and what you are?”.   Duane said  “You’re not the sharpest tack in the box are you?”   “I don’t want to tell you too much for your own good”.  “Now, do you have a camera, phone or other communication device?”  “I have to take those from you”.   At this point I realized I was a captive of Duane.  Since Duane was huge, hairy and smelly but, relatively relaxed I decided not to resist at this time.

Blitzed:  Good choice.

Bill:  Quite!  Duane took my electronic devices and bound my hands behind me with a plastic zip tie.  I asked him where he got the zip tie and he said “they were invented on his planet and that the only reason earth had them is because years ago one of his people dropped one and we found it”.

Blitzed:  These “animals” must be hundreds or thousands of years ahead of us in their technology.

Bill:  It would appear so.  Where was I?  Oh, I know.  Duane lead me to the M.E.L. (Milky way Explorer’s League)  office where after they removed the zip tie, I was interrogated for two hours by another large, hairy and smelly animal.

Blitzed:  Did you at any point, believe you were going to be,,,you know,,,probed.

Bill:  Heaven’s no!  These people may be animals but, they’re not Barbarians.  In fact half way through the interrogation I asked for something to drink and they offered me tea.  I seems the whole galaxy enjoys tea.  They all know of Great Britain’s tea industry and say that tea is England’s biggest gift to the Universe.  I had a perfect cup of Earl Grey.

Blitzed:  So, you were starting to feel at ease with your captures.  However, you must have been looking for a chance to escape?

Bill:  Always, however none had appeared to me at that time.  I was lead from the interrogation room to a large, comfortable waiting room with leather recliners and huge TV screens.  My interrogator, Bob said “The restroom is over there”.  “I’m going to put the viewer on Earth scenes and you won’t be able to change it”.  “I’ll come back when we’ve decided what to do with you.”

Blitzed:  I would have gone crazy waiting for alien beings to decide my fate.

Bill:  I checked the door a minute after Bob left.  Locked!  Darn!  Then I sat in the recliner and watched the lovely scenes of waterfalls, lakes and mountains from earth that changed every 10 seconds or so.  I must have dosed off as Bob woke me with a little shake of my shoulder.  He said “C’mon were sending you home”.  “You want to go home don’t you?”

Blitzed:  Oh my God, what a relief that must have been.

Bill:  Indeed, I jumped up and said “let’s go” and with that I was lead back to the “beaming room” where Tommy the huge, hairy and smelly console operator was still “manning” the console.

Blitzed:  So, at that point you knew you were going home.  Did you try to maybe, I dunno, take something to authenticate your story?

Bill:  Of course I thought of that.  Bob had some words of advice for me before they sent me back.  Bob said “Look Bill, this “Knockout game” is dumb”.  “You’re just going to hurt yourself or someone else and there’s really no point to it so, knock it off”.   “Now we went through your computer files and found that on Earth you are a big enough bullshitter that nobody will believe you if you tell them what happened today”.   “We at M.E.L. recommend that you don’t tell anybody”.  “If you tell them down there they may just lock you up permanently”.  “We’re going to keep your devices”.  “One last thing, try to have a little more respect for other living things, okay?”  “Alright, goodbye”.  With that they beamed me to the spot under the tree that I had fallen from.

Blitzed:  Were you hurt or marked in anyway?

Bill:  Not at all.  I feel quite spry.

Blitzed:  So what evidence did you bring back to prove your story is true?

Bill:  Well, first of all, my electronic devices that Duane took are still all gone.

Blitzed:  Uh, that’s not really evidence.  Did you bring something back or not?

Bill:  Oh, I most definitely did, and here it is.

Bill pulls out of his shirt pocket a used Earl Grey tea bag.

Blitzed:  Uh, It’s a tea bag.

Bill:  An Earl Grey tea bag from an alien space ship.

Blitzed:  Uh, it looks like a tea bag from your apartment.  How do we now it’s from a space ship?

Bill:  Well, because I told you that Bob got it for me on the ship.  Now wait, you don’t think I would make all this up and then walk around with a used tea bag to  claim as evidence just for some attention,,,do you?

Blitzed:  This is Blitzed Wolfer for the Cable Ass Network with Big,,,uh,,, Big Bullshitter Bangalow Bill saying be nice to other living beings.

Bill:  Hold on there!  I resent that.  This tea bag is real.  Don’t look at me like that!


 Yeah, I dunno what to make of that interview.  What do you think?