Sunday, October 23, 2016

Shifting Alliances

  Agent 54 here again.  While I was carelessly watching football and baseball on my TV, I noticed some Shifting Alliances that made me curious.  When I brought these concerns up with my wife, she made me feel like I was the only one in the world who cared or even noticed these things.  Is that true?  Am I alone?  Do I need psychotherapy?  Let me explain before you answer these questions or before you send the guys in the white jump suits with the big butterfly nets and strait  jackets again. 
  I have long thought it was very odd that The General of General Car Insurance ran around with a Penguin for a pal.  Though Penguins are an up and coming species and may someday challenge Cats for WorldDomination of this puny planet, my thoughts were “What the heck do Penguins have to do with Car Insurance”?  Penguins don’t drive.  In fact, Penguins come from the South Pole.  Most of them have never even seen a car and they certainly don’t buy Insurance.  I’m sure there are damn few of them that could even hold a job.  Why a Penguin?

  The mystery deepened as I began to notice that The General did not treat the Penguin very well.  For years The General used the Penguin for a prop and never let him speak or fed him.  Then I saw The General driving his snazzy red Corvette without his usual buddy the Penguin in the passenger seat.  Did anyone else notice the sounds of kicking coming from the trunk of the Corvette?  I don’t care if The General had to clean Penguin poop from the passenger seat, locking him in the trunk was just plain wrong and I have a good mind to call PETA on his ass.

Shaq & The General
  The next thing you know, Shaquille O’Neal (Shaq) is riding shotgun with the General and has speaking parts in his advertisements.  It appears that The General had thrown the Penguin under the red Corvette.  I do like Shaq because he knows from funny but, he’s no Penguin and he should have had more respect than to break-up the General-Penguin team.

  Before you start to cry for the Penguin, let me tell you the good news.  In the most important and accurate article The New York Times has ever published, it was announced that the Penguin had landed a new gig as Winnie the Pooh’s new buddy and had even been given a cool new name, “Winter”.  There’s no word yet about the question of is “Winter” going to get a speaking part in his new roll or if eventually Pooh-bear (he is a bear, you know) will eat the penguin (a stunt penguin, of course).  Never the less, I was happy that the Penguin landed on his happy feet and I wish him well.

Winnie the Pooh & Winter
However, as usual, my examination of this subject has left me with more questions than answers like:  If the 7’1” tall former NBA MVP, Shaq is mistreated by The General, will Shaq stuff him into his own helmet and punt him off the Santa Monica pier into the middle of the Pacific Ocean?  Will Winnie the Pooh’s new buddy, Winter convince the bear to become a vegetarian?  Is the New York Times good for anything other than Penguin cage liner?  And finally, does anyone other than me give a crap?

What do you think?

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Thank You for my Liebster Award

  Agent 54 humbly here again.   I’m honored to have been nominated for a Liebster award by Chocolat Lover of the Not Meatloaf Again! Blog.  Chocolat Lover always reads and comments on my new posts and you know how we bloggers crave that support.

My favorite blog for years now is Sandee’s Comedy Plus.  Sandee runs weekly features like Awww Mondays, Wordless Wednesday, Feline Friday and my favorite, Silly Sunday.  I like to time my new posts to first publish on Sunday morning so I can link to Silly Sunday.  I have been introduced to many other blogs and bloggers there and I enjoy reading those silly jokes and trying to support the other bloggers with witty comments.  I do sometimes drop in on Feline Friday to check out the cat pictures but I don’t usually contribute because I don’t have any cats.  I like cats, especially served with beans and guacamole.  I’m sorry.  Bad old joke. I wouldn’t eat your cat.  Maybe a stray cat but, not your cat.

  So, now that you know more than you ever wanted to know about me, it’s time to answer Chocolat Lover’s 10 questions for me.  This should be fun.

1.     My favorite chocolate bar has to be Snickers.  The very name means little laughter and I have craved them since my first day.
2.     I have Green Eyes and according to Ancient Alien theory that means I may have been abducted by Space Aliens.  That would explain a lot.
3.     I really do like cats and don’t like dogs.  I will pretend I like your dog if I like you.
4.     I don’t drink alcohol and I prefer to leave my mess at Taco Bell which makes them pretty upset when I get my food from Jack-in- a- Box.
5.     Tough one.  My favorite bands include Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, The Who, The Moody Blues, Nirvana and The Beatles.  I have to say Paul McCartney is my favorite artist.
6.     Purple describes me best.
7.     This may sound sick but, the smell of old Hockey gear is my favorite.  I played Ice Hockey for 19 years and that smell always meant a lot of fun. I miss playing Hockey.
8.     My morning coffee cup is from a set of dishes my wife has.  It’s white with apples and grapes painted on my side and a pear and grapes on your side.  It has the usual V shape but, with a twist to it like when you were making it, you were turning the top and leaving the bottom set as it cooled.
9.     Oh boy, I collect many things. I have a metal detector so I collect coins, jewelry, marbles, balls, beads, Legos, fishing lures, magnets and other things that I put in old Yankee candle jars and call art.  I like colorful things.
10.   I’m wearing Gold Toe brand white athletic socks.  Nothing like good socks.

Now my nominations for a Liebster are:

Messy Mimi of is one of my favorites from Sandee's Silly Sunday.  I enjoy her bayou brand of humor and she likes cats too.

I have to bend the rules a bit and nominate Joe Hagy of the Cranky Old Man blog Cranky is another Silly Sunday blogger and his Stupid Headlines crack me up.

Tim Clark of the Life Explained  blog is one of my new favorites.  I think Tim and his buddy Jesse Zahrt are running for office,,,or is that running away from office? I dunno.

That’s all I got for now for nominations so here are they’re 10 questions.

1.     Syrup or Sprinkles?
2.     Do you trust Goats?
3.     Have you been abducted by Space Aliens too?
4.     Why the heck do you blog?
5.     Vampires or Zombies?
6.     Have you ever ordered a bucket of chicken all beaks and feet?  Why not?
7.     Do fish know they are wet?
8.     What was the last book you read?
9.     Do you use Duct Tape?
10.            Do you know from funny?

 I want to give a special shout out to Susan Leighton of the on the Ledge blog.  Susan has been reading and supporting me by commenting on all my older posts.  Turns out that we have tread the same ground in several different parts of the country.  I really do appreciate Susan.

Finally, I want to post the website where Liebsters can find the rules for making your own Liebster nominations:

Thanks again to Liebsters everywhere.  This was fun.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Clowning Around

Agent 54 here again.  My best friend, Howard tells this worn out old joke that goes:  If attacked by a group of clowns, go for the Jugular,  Yeah, I apologize. 

  Not everyone likes clowns but the one good thing you can say about all clowns is that they are not mimes.  There are good clowns and there are bad clowns. Unfortunately, bad clowns have recently become topical.  However, to lighten the situation, I’ve decided to rate my all-time favorite clowns,  See if you agree with my choices.

1.      Ronald McDonald :   Probably the best known clown, worldwide and generation to generation.  Everyone knows Ronald and associates him with eating delicious and nearly poisonous food.  Ron is rich enough to have me killed for saying what I just said.  Update 10/12/16:  Due to the current "Bad Clown" public relations situation, Ronald McDonald has agreed not to have me killed for this post.  Praise be to Odin. 

Freddie the Freeloader
2.     Bozo:   I don’t really understand why but, as a kid I used to love to watch Bozo the Clown on early morning TV.  I don’t remember him being funny, except for his huge red hairdo but, I couldn’t wait to see him.  Later people used his name to describe people who were screw-ups.  I don’t remember Bozo screwing anything up but, he must have been the king.

3.     Jack in the Box or just Jack:  Another restaurateur, I like Jack’s TV commercials.  They’re almost funny enough to forgive him for the horrible Tacos his restaurants sell.  ALMOST!

4.     Freddie the Freeloader:   Freddie was a character played by great, old-time comedian Red Skelton who seemed like a one- time high society type who was just a bit down on his luck.  Freddie was charming and everyone liked him but that same cigar he smoked for 40+ years stunk.

5.     The Joker:  The joker was my favorite bad and scary clown until he let me drop on my head during a Team Building exercise at my NSA under the DORD.  Never trust anyone with a 40 year criminal record.

Lying Brian Williams
6.     Brian Williams:   Williams was a newscaster on a large TV Network who always thought way too much of himself.  Brian would twist and fabricate stories and then feed them to the public as the truth.  Once the public caught on to Brian Williams and realized that he was so full of bullshit he could fertilize all the farms in all 57 states, his name became synonymous with lies and deception.  Appropriately, Williams wound up doing comedy at MSNBC where he still spreads the bull like it’s going out of style.

  So, that’s my list.  Are some of your favorites on there too.  Let me know who’s on your list of favorite clowns and remember to always leave’em laughing.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Zombie Lunch

   Agent 54 here again.  I don’t know why we at the NSA under the DORD have Earl’s Undead Diner, located just outside Pasadena, bugged but, what the heck, I’m getting paid to listen.  Saturday, our old zombie buddies from the movie business met there for lunch.  Here’s my report:

Scene:  Earl’s Undead Diner looks like a typical East Coast diner that has been abandoned for a couple of decades.  It’s dirty and dark and there is Spanish Moss covering much of the exterior.  Inside you can hear Rob Zombie playing on the juke box.  The smell is better than you would think.  Kind of a mixture of a nice Italian tomato sauce and rotting flesh.  There are about two dozen patrons including a few Zombies and Werewolves but, it’s too early in the day for Vampires.  Most of the crowd are regular people dressed up like Zombies or Werewolves or Vampires or Smelly Pirate Hookers.  Tis the season.

  A zombie waitress who was quite good looking, when she was alive, arrives at table 4 where zombies Allan, Max and Brad are seated.

Zombie Waitress:  Hey boys, the usual?

Zombie Brad:  Naw, you got any of that Brainloaf that Jerry’s wife makes for ya?

Waitress:  Yeah, she just dropped 10 more off on Thursday.   Everyone here want the loaf?

Brad:  Yeah, that’s right, guys?

Zombies Allan and Max nod in approval.

Waitress:  3 Brainloafs and 3 Bloody Marys coming up.

As the waitress shuffles away, Max speaks up.

Zombie Max:  Look at those posers over there.  If they only has a clue about what being a real zombie is all about.

Zombie Allan:  I hate them tourists.

Zombie Brad:  Oh com’on guys.  You know, if it weren’t for them, this place would be closed.

Max:  Whatever!  So, have you heard anything about work?

Brad:  I’m on it.  My buddy Ziggy is supposed to have some info for me later this week.

Allan:  What?  That ain’t much to go on.  I ain’t been paid since my second week on that Zombienado fiasco.  That was the stupidest idea ever!

Max:  Yeah, right!  Nobody got paid.  I had high hopes for that project.  I was thinking we might make 2 or 3 sequels for that piece of crap.

Brad:  Yeah, I know that Zombienado failure was a real drag.

Allan:  I’ll say.  Them Producers were a bunch of morons.  I mean, who makes a bunch a stinkin sharks the heroes of a movie?  Don’t make no damn sense.

Brad:  Hey, this is Hollywood we’re talking about.  It makes no sense that Vin Diesel has a career but, he’s rich enough to buy all three of us ten times over.

Max:  Right!  I gave up on trying to make sense.  Now I just want to make cash.

Vin Diesel
Allan:  What the hell happened to them damn Producers anyway?  We ever gonna get paid?  If we don’t get paid, they’d better throw them bums in jail.

Brad:  I heard they left town.  Skipped the country is what I was told.

Max:  You know I heard that too.  I had a fantasy where they were all fleeing to Mexico in a small motorboat that was attacked by Giant Squids and they all got ate.

Brad:  Giant Producer eating Squid.  Hmmm.  You know, Hollywood just might go for something like that.

Max:  You really think so?  I mean they don’t have to be Producers.  They could be Directors or Agents or Politicians or other criminals too.  You know, I could sit down and write something up for this idea.  You wanna help?

Allan:  Here you go again with your big stupid dreams.  You guys been smoking too much uh yur medical marijuana.

Brad and Max together:  Brains, brains, moan, groan.

Allan:  Damn comedians.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Too Many Emotions

  Agent 54 here again.  I’ve been around for a while now and I’ve come to the conclusion that there are just too many emotions involved in human existence.
  Sure, there are some emotions that people like.  Love, satisfaction, happiness, joy, excited and full come to mind but, these positive emotions are overwhelmed by negative emotions like, hate, disappointment, anger, sadness, frustration, irked, perturbed, disgusted, offended, confusion, embarrassment, envy, jealousy, and not full.  Why so many negatives?  It’s not fair.

  The second problem with all these emotions is severity.  There are too many highs and lows because people take these emotions to extremes.   Even love.  I know you love your little Chihuahua but, carrying it around in public or in your purse is going too far.  Likewise, I understand you hate my cigar smoke but, banning smoking in every building in the country is a little extreme, don’t ya think?

Emotions at work suck too.  You know what happens.  If you show that you are happy, people around the water cooler start gossiping about who’s butt your kissing and how you got your last promotion.  How do you prove you’re not a “brown- noser”?  If you show you’re unhappy you get labeled as disgruntled or a trouble-maker.  If you show up with a hangover 3 or 4 times a week, you get labeled as an alcoholic.  Is that fair?

  Sometimes I get confused wondering about which emotions or how much emotion people expect to see from me in certain situations.  Example:  You tell me your dog died.  I don’t like dogs but, I like you.  So I fake empathy for your dog while Bob, my favorite voice in my head, is telling me that you should just go to the animal shelter and pick out a new, totally dependent, dirty and dumb animal to chew on your new shoes and crap on your carpet.  Of course I have to suppress Bob because you would freak out if I told you Muffy or Dogzilla was no more important or hard to replace than your favorite reclining chair.  Oh great!  Now the dog lovers are offended.  I’m Sorry (am I really sorry or just faking it?).  Great!  Now you know what it’s like to be confused like me.      

  Emotions can make you do some dumb stuff.  Raise your hand if you grow your hair long now to cover that tattoo that says “I love Gertrude” or “Leroy & Me” on your neck.  I myself once got so angry at someone that I punched a solid oak door and broke my hand.  Pretty dumb.  In fact, that’s so dumb I’m going to deny that I did that.  Oh, BTW, you can put your hands down now.  Yeah, I didn’t break my hand.  That was Stu, one of the other voices in my head.  See, emotions can make you tell lies.

  Expressing emotions correctly can be difficult too.  Have you ever accidentally used the wrong emoji?  Do you even know what an emoji is?  What about our facial expressions?  All of our faces are different.  What if I drink too much coffee (is that possible?) and develop a twitch in my eye?  You might think I’m winking at you and then the next thing you know, we’re engaged to be married.  Who needs that pressure!

So, I’ve been thinking about a solution to the problem of Too Many Emotions and I’ve decided that sorting and restricting the severity of individual emotions is too complicated and just won’t work.  My idea is to restrict myself to just two basic emotions in an effort to control the highs and lows of life.  From now on my two emotions are going to be Full and Not Full.

  FYI:  Full is what you are after going to Taco Bell and Not Full is what you are before you go to Taco Bell.  I believe that limiting yourself to just these two basic emotions could lead to a more even and sane life.  I think Mr. Spock would agree.

  So who is going to join me in this noble experiment?  Who is brave enough?  Please follow my lead and return to this blog post to record your experiences in the comments section twice a week for the next 20 years.   

Good luck.  I appreciate your support.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Burgundy Campaign in New Mexico

  Agent 54 here again.  It’s been a while since we had an update from Blitzed Wolfer on the Burgundy Campaign.  Many voters seemed to have gotten the impression that Ron had dropped out of the race.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Check out this interview with Ron from New Mexico.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Hello everyone this is Blitzed Wolfer with CAN on the campaign trail with Presidential candidate Ron Burgundy.  We’re standing in front of a medical facility in Albuquerque, New Mexico with Ron and his Physician, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz. 

Blitzed:  (to Ron Burgundy)  Ron, you have an announcement for us?

Ron Burgundy:  Yes, may I introduce Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.

Dr. Vinnie:  Hello Blitzed.  I’m here to certify that after rigorous examinations by the medical staff here at the Albuquerque Indian Health Center, we can pronounce that candidate Burgundy is healthy as a horse and his hair is a work of art. 

Blitzed:  That’s great news. 

Ron:  Thank you Dr. Vinnie.  You can go back to the golf course now.

Dr. Vinnie Boombatz
Blitzed:  (to Ron)  That’s terrific but, tell me Ron, what about your evaporating poll numbers?  You are down to 0.0004% in the latest Hecht-Cantilever poll.

Ron:  Well, a lot of things evaporate here in the dessert.  We still have time and though I may not have a lot of support, it’s the quality of my support that counts.

Blitzed:  Uh, okay.  So, most of American voters seem to be supporting other candidates.  What do you think of your opponents supporters?

Ron:  Well, while they’re as wrong as wrong can be to support somebody else, I still find them to be “adorable”.

Blitzed:  That’s nice.  So, what’s next for your campaign? 

Ron:  The campaign is going to Reno Nevada to get ready for the first Presidential Debate in Lake Tahoe on September 26th.  I think we’ll do quite well there.  You’ll see.

Blitzed:  Uh, Ron, the first Presidential Debate is in New York at Hofstra University on the 26th.

Ron:  What?  Wait! Wadda ya mean?  (calling out to Campaign Manager, The Only Wendy Shade)  Wendy!  What’s he talking about?

Wendy walks up to Ron and Blitzed.

Wendy:  (sadly) Uh, I’m sorry Ron but, we still haven’t received a reply to our appeal from the debate committee.  I didn’t know how to tell you this but, we’re not invited to the big debate.

Ron:  What!?! But, I’m the best looking candidate in the race!  How can this stand?  Nevermind, I’ll hold my own debate in or at Lake Tahoe.  You’ll be there to cover it, right Blitzed?

Blitzed:  Uh, actually I have tickets to go cover the big debate.

Ron:  Fine!  Then I’ll just have my Channel 4 News Team cover my debate!  In fact, I’ll debate my Channel 4 News Team.  Yeah, yeah, I’ll debate Brick Tamland, Brian Fantana and Champ Kind and it’ll be great!  Big debate, big deshcmate!  Who needs New York City anyway!

Blitzed:  Uh,

Ron:  (angrily interrupting)  I think that’s a wrap, Blitzed!!!

Blitzed:  Yeah, Uh, that’s, that’s all the time we have for today.  I’m Blitzed Wolfer on the campaign trail for the Cable Ass Network.  Thanks for watching.

Wow!  Personally, I can’t wait to watch Ron Burgundy debate the Channel 4 News Team.  Mark your calendars, America.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

The Changing Seasons

  Agent 54 here again.   It’s that time of year when the leaves on the trees are turning different colors, the kids are going back to school and the Baseball season is ending while Football season is just beginning.  For some people, the changing of the seasons can be a stressful time of year.  I got to listen in on a phone conversation between professional athlete Tim Tebow and hunter Elmer Fudd.  Can Elmer help Tebow adjust to The Changing Seasons?  Let’s find out.

Elmer Fudd:   Uh, hewoew, Elmer Fudd speaking.

Tim Tebow
Tim Tebow:  Hey Elmer, this is Tim Tebow.  How are you?

Elmer:  I know you! Huhuhuhuh.  You’re the Qwattaback that won the Heisman Twophy in 2007.  Oh boy!  Did you call because you want to go wabbit hunting with me?

Tebow:  Yeah, that’s me.  Uh, no, no wabbitt,,,no rabbit hunting for me, thanks. Well, the truth is that I’m trying to play professional baseball for the Mets now but, I’m having trouble transitioning from one sports season to another. 
Elmer Fudd

Elmer:  Twouble Twansitioning?

Tebow:  Uh huh.  I’m used to running plays and throwing passes this time of year, not swinging at fastballs.  You always seemed to be able to make the change from rabbit season to duck season and back and forth in a flash.  How do you do it?

Elmer:  Scotch!  Pwefwerabwe Dewars Scotch.

Tebow:  No!  That can’t be true.  How do you shoot when you’re loaded?

Elmer:  Oh, uh, well the Scotch doesn’t weally help me shoot stwaight.  The Scotch helps me deal with Bugs.  Huhhuhuhuh.  That scwewy wabbit will dwive you cwazy without a couple of dwinks.

Tebow:  Wow! I can imagine. Well, Scotch won’t help me hit a curveball.  I guess I’ll have to try to ask somebody else.

Elmer:  You could twy Orson Welles.  He was in the movie A Man foew All Seasons.

Tebow:  Yeah, yeah I’ll give him a call.  Thanks Elmer.

Elmer:  Before you go I want to ask you a qwestion.

Tebow:  Shoot!  Uh, I mean go ahead.  Please don’t shoot any wabbits,,,uh rabbits right now.
Bugs Bunny

Elmer:  Tim, you pwayed for Fwowida, the Bwoncos and now the Mets.  Those teams wear the same colors.  What’s with you and Owange and Bwue?

Tebow:  I don’t know, just lucky I guess.  Well, thanks anyway, see ya later.

Elmer:  Say Tim, feel fwee to call me duwing wabbit season,  We can go bag a few wascally wabbits.  Huhuhuhuhuh.

Tebow:  Uh, sorry but no thanks.  I don’t shoot living things.  Bye now.

Elmer:  Okay, good bye.

So, as summer fades and the temperatures begin to moderate, only one question remains:  Is it wabbit season or duck season?