Sunday, April 26, 2015

Aquaman's Poker Night

Aquaman
  Agent 54 here again.  Max (Agent 86) personally assigned me to this one.  We heard an interesting phone call and that lead us to stake out the docks and pier number 7 in particular.  Here’s what we got.

John:  Vicente’s Pizza, John speaking.  Can I take you order.

Aquaman:  Hi John.

John:  Hey, A-man, how ya doin?  Want the usual?

Aquaman:  Not tonight John.  I need 2 Aquaman Specials, extra anchovies and 2 large pepperoni and 2 Italian meatlovers pies delivered to pier 7.  You got that?

John:  You want all six large pies and say 6 one liter bottles of assorted sodas.  Poker night?

Aquaman:  Can’t fool you, John.

John:  Hey, I’m happy to cater your little affair.  Let’s say about 45 minutes for delivery.

Aquaman:  See ya then.

Scene:  Docked at Pier 7 is a submarine that is shaped to look something like a Blue Whale.  A submarine crew man stands by each end of the ship.  The hatch is open and Aquaman waits on the pier.   About 45 minutes after the phone call, John and his sons arrive.

Aquaman:  Hey guys, take that stuff in and put it on the counter in the galley.

When John and his sons come out of the sub, Aquaman hands John a $100 bill.

Aquaman:  Man your boys are growing like weeds.  Hey keep the change.

John:  Thanks a lot and good luck in the game?  

Aquaman:   Your pizza is my good luck charm.  Thank you.

Just after John and his sons depart the first “guest” arrives.

The Penguin:  Wa, wa  How are you my old friend?

Aquaman:  Ship shape, how have you been?

Penguin:  Busy, busy, planning and scheming, scheming and planning.

Aquaman:  Well, take it easy tonight.  Relax, go on board and pour yourself a drink.

Penguin:  Don’t mind if I do.  Don’t mind if I do my friend.

The Penguin boards as another player shows up.

Flipper:  Hey, Aquaman as I live and breathe, nice to see you again my man.

Aquaman:  Good to have you come aboard.  Where’s your buddy, Shamu?

Flipper:  He sends his apologies.  He’s still got another day of shooting on Sharknado IV.  
Flipper

Aquaman:  Yeah, how’s that going?

Flipper:   I finished up today but, Shamu got a bigger part and I’ll tell you, it’s gone to his head,,,and his gut too. Ha ha ho

Aquaman:  Oye. 

Flipper boards the submarine and shortly thereafter another player comes striding up the dock in a beautiful black tuxedo.

Joe Pesci:  (Pesci is Italian for Fish) Hey Aquaman, is this your submarine or are you just happy to see me?

Aquaman:  C’mere and gimmie a hug ya gangster you.

The men hug and then Joe pretends to punch Aquaman in the gut.  They both laugh.

Joe:  Hey who’s here? 

Aquaman:  The Penguin is in there waiting for you.

Joe:  Oh my God, I love that guy.  Oh boy, you’re in trouble tonight when me and The Penguin get together.

Aquaman:  Go onboard and get a drink. 

Joe Pesci

Joe:  Don’t have to ask me twice.

Joe boards.  A strange fellow with a squinty eye and corn cob pipe approaches.
Popeye The Sailorman:  Well blow me down, Aquaman how is ya?

Aquaman:  (as they shake hands)  Fine and you’re looking fit.  So, Olive Oil let you out tonight?

Popeye:  (under his breath)  I’m supposed to be takin a shift patrollin the docks for the Harbor Master as far as Olive knows.

Aquaman:   You better sneak on board now in that case.

Popeye:  (muttering quietly)  Just doin me job and,,, (louder)  what’s this?  A submarinizer!  I better go aboard and have a look-see ta makes sure tings is on the up and up and all ship shape ect...

Popeye boards.  Charlie Tuna is the next guest to arrive.

Charlie:  Aquaman, I heard you need someone with good taste to class up this little affair you’re havin here tonight.

Aquaman:  Thanks for coming.  We have a few class acts here tonight.  I’m sure it will be a lot of “tasteful” fun.
Charlie Tuna

Charlie:  Not too “tasteful” I hope.

Both guys chuckle as Charlie boards the submarine.

  A stunning picture of seduction in a mink coat manifests itself on he pier.  It’s Octopussy and she’s dressed to kill with a beautiful, low cut blue dress under the mink.  She is sporting enough fine jewelry to make the Queen jealous.  Her full and lovely brown hair accents her piercing blue eyes.  She walks in high heels down the pier with the grace of a ballerina.

Aquaman:  Madam, you are fashionably late.

Octopussy:  I trust it was worth the wait for you.

Aquaman:  Indeed.

Octopussy:  Let’s cut the crap.  How many suckerfish do we have here tonight?

Aquaman:  There are six, not counting myself.  Shamu couldn’t make it, he’s working.

Octopussy:  Good, I always feel like we’re packed into that submarine like sardines when he comes.

Octopussy
Aquaman:  It’s not that bad.  This is a big ship and there is plenty of room at my underwater home, Atlantis.  Let’s get aboard.  We’ll be in international waters in about 30 minutes.

Octopussy:  Let’s do this.

Aquaman:  Gives the order “cast off” to the crew and boards the ship.  In a couple of minutes the submarine slowly departs.


We don’t have any surveillance onboard the submarine.  Aquaman must have the latest electronic de-bugging and anti-spy equipment on board.  We’re working on electronically penetrating his underwater home, Atlantis but, this is difficult because it is so deep in the ocean.  Because the Poker game is probably played in International waters, I don’t think an actual crime is being committed but, It sure would be interesting to listen in on it anyway.  I wish Commodore Agent 54 had been invited.  Maybe next time. 

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Recipes for life.

  Agent 54 here again.   I know it’s rude to listen in on the conversations of the ladies but, that’s what I get paid for and it’s so revealing.   Do you remember the Brady Bunch and the Partridge Family shows?  Shirley Partridge called Carol Brady the other day.  How cool is this?:
Shirley Partridge

Shirley Partridge:  Hello Carol?

Carol Brady:  Hi Shirley, how are you?

Shirley:  I’m okay but, my kitchen is a mess.  Mr. Kincaid took Danny hunting of all things and they came back with 3 very dead Porkypines and they insist that I prepare and cook them for the “Big Game Hunters”.

Carol:  Did you say Porkypines?  Nobody hunts Porkypines.

Shirley:  Oh yeah.  They said they were going for deer and came back with Porkypines.  Have you ever cleaned and gutted a Porkypine?  I’m gonna need a Tetanus shot.

Carol:  Oh my word.  Is there anything I can do to help?

Shirley:  Well, that’s why I called.  I’ve heard of a dish called Porkypine Meatballs but, you know, I’m a musician, not a great cook.  Do you or Alice have a recipe for something like that?

Carol:  Uh, you do know that Porkypine Meatballs aren’t necessarily made from Porkypine, don’t you?

Shirley:  What do you mean?  (panicky voiced) I have all this Porkypine here, I’ve got to do something with it and I promised,,,

Carol Brady
Carol:  (interrupting) Stay calm.  Alice is right here.  Alice can you help Shirley?

Alice:  Sure thing Mrs. B. (picking up the phone) Mrs. Partridge, you just listen to ole Alice here and we’ll fix everything.

Shirley:  Oh Alice, you’re a godsend.  How can I ever repay you?
 
Alice:  We’ll find a way.  Now, take that Porkypine and wrap it in a plastic bag and throw it into the trash dumpster.

Shirley:  But, I promised to,,,

Alice:  Nevermind that, just tell the boys you need to step out to get some more ingredients and you get your ass to Sam the butcher.  I’ll call him ahead of time and order some ground beef and ground pork and you’ll add the rice and make the sauce per the Baked Porcupine Meatballs - Southern Food - About.com recipe.

Shirley:  You want me to lie to the boys.

Alice:  I prefer to call it “Bullshitting them”.  Believe me, when you see the look on their faces after they taste the “Porkypine Meatballs” that they think they themselves shot, Bullshiting will become your favorite sport.

Shirley:  Are you sure this will work?

Alice
Alice:  Heck yeah, it will work.  Nobody knows what Porkypine tastes like.  I’ve been bullshitting a long time.  Believe me they’ll love you for it.  Here’s Mrs. B, bye now.

Carol:  Shirley, are you okay with doing this type of Bullshitting?

Shirley:  Well, what choice do I have?  I guess I’ll just have to go for it.

Carol:  That’s the spirit.   Don’t feel bad about bullshitting the boys.  Look at what they get out of it.  A delicious meal and the satisfaction of thinking they brought home dinner the “manly, old fashioned way”.

Shirley:  You’re right.  I’ll make this work and when it’s done I’ll take all the glory.  Why not? 

Carol:  And we’ll cover for you on this side if your guys talk to our guys.

Shirley:  Thanks a million Carol, you and Alice are life-savers.

Carol:  What are friends for.  Bye bye.


  Wow, makes you kinda wonder just how much “bullshitting” is going on in domestic kitchens around the world.  Aw, who cares, as long  as it tastes good. 

Here's  a great recipe for Porkypine Meatballs:    http://allrecipes.com/recipe/melindas-porcupine-meatballs 


Wednesday, April 15, 2015

CSI Gilligan’s Condo

  
  Agent 54 here again.  I really enjoy catching up on some of my old television buddies at my NSA job.  Remember Gilligan and the castaways?  Let’s see what they’re up to today.


  Scene: Inside a spacious and well-appointed condo located at 1837 Sunset Blvd. Los Angeles, Ca.  There is a fully stocked bar with a bartender and there is cocktail party going on.

Thurston Howell III:  (to the bartender)  Let me have another, my good man.

Lovey Howell:  Slow down Thurston.  You know how those Bourbons effect you.

Mr. Howell:  Yes I do and that’s why I want another.

Gilligan is tapping on his Pomegranate Martini glass with a spoon.

Gilligan:  Hi everybody, I just wanted to welcome you and say thanks for coming to our One year anniversary of getting off that stupid island party.

Skipper is holding a big full beer stein.

Skipper:  A toast!  To our first year of freedom, and to many more!

Everyone drinks.  Suddenly, the lights go out.  There is a hush in the room and then the flash of a lightning bolt followed by the crackle of thunder followed by the sound of a gunshot and a scream then the howl of a wolf, the sound tires squealing and a car crash, Big Ben chimes, someone bangs a gong, an owl hoots.

  (Commercial break) scene:  close-up as a man appears to be riding a horse on the beach but, as the camera backs up, you see he’s really a Centaur.  Centaur:  Believe in your Smellf with Old Spice.

Scene:  When we come back to Gilligan’s condo the lights are on, there is a chalk outline of a body on the living room floor and there are two LA police officers and one police Lieutenant wearing a trench coat and smoking a cigar.

Lieutenant Columbo:  Hey, uh Ladies and Gentlemen I’m Lieutenant Columbo of the LA police Homicide department we have to ask you some questions so don’t anybody try to leave until we’re done here.

The Professor:  What kind of questions?

Lieutenant Columbo:  Questions pertaining to a homicide investigation.

Ginger:  Homicide!  Oh no, not when I was just restarting my career.

Mary Ann:  Homicide?  Here?  That means there’s a murderer among us. (she and Ginger start to cry)

Lieutenant Columbo:  Now take it easy everybody, you’re in no danger now that the police are here.

Officer Murray: (calling out from the main bedroom)  Lieutenant Columbo you better come here and see this.

Lieutenant Columbo:  Coming Officer Murphy.

Officer Murray:  It’s Murray sir.

Lieutenant Columbo:  Murray, yeah, okay what the heck is all this.

Officer Murray:  It’s a drawer full of ladies underwear.

Gilligan:  Hey!  Those are my underwear, get out of there.

Lieutenant Columbo:  Very interesting.  Mr. Gilligan, why do you have a drawer full of ladies underwear?

Gilligan:  I told you those are my underwear.   I started wearing them on the set when I had to dress as a woman and I liked it.  They’re comfortable and they don’t chafe me.

Lieutenant Columbo:  Weird!

Gilligan:  Wearing ladies underwear doesn’t make me a killer.

Lieutenant Columbo:  No, no it doesn’t.  It makes you a Weirdo!

Officer Murphy:  (calling from the computer desk in the living room) Lieutenant Columbo you better come here and see this.

Lieutenant Columbo:  Coming Officer Murray.

Officer Murphy:  It’s Murphy sir.

Lieutenant Columbo:  Yeah, whatever.  Whatcha got?

Officer Murphy:  Unopened mail for Mr. Gilligan at address 1837 Sunset Blvd. Los Angeles, Ca. 

Lieutenant Columbo:  Yeah so?

Officer Murphy:  Dispatch said the murder took place at 1387 Sunset Blvd. Los Angeles, Ca.

Lieutenant Columbo:  Uh, oh.  Uh, Mr. Gilligan uh, thank you for your cooperation. (to Officer Murray)  Murphy, pick up that chalk outline and let’s get our asses over to the right building.

Gilligan:  You knuckleheads are at the wrong condo! 

All the party guests laugh and sigh a sigh of relief that nobody there is a murderer.

  (Commercial break) scene:  A football player wearing orange number 83 is in his locker room enjoying the smell of his Old Spice deodorant but, as the camera pulls away you discover that he’s really in a snow globe on a dollar store shelf.
Whistler:  (whistles the Old Spice jingle)   A Kicker kicks a stick of deodorant through the uprights.

Scene:  Skipper and Gilligan are at the bar.

Skipper:  Well, that was a close one there, little buddy.

Gilligan:  Whatda ya mean?  You didn’t really think someone here was a killer, did you?

Skipper:  All I know is that after I saw all that ladies underwear, I didn’t know what to think.

Gilligan:  Gee thanks!  After I’ve been your little buddy for all these years.  Boy, a  guy tries to make himself a little more comfortable and people think he’s some kinda whacko psycho killer or something.


  Suddenly, the lights go out.  There is a hush in the room and then the flash of a lightning bolt followed by the crackle of thunder followed by the sound of a gunshot and a scream….



Sunday, April 12, 2015

Ron Burgundy’s Big Announcement

Crystal Springs Carwash Chandler, AZ
  Blitzed Wolfer:  Hello I’m Blitzed Wolfer for CAN the Cable Ass Network.  A crowd has gathered here at the Crystal Springs Carwash,  6001 Erie St. & Kyrene Rd. in beautiful Chandler Arizona 85226 for an event that could have major consequences for the 2016 Presidential race.   The place is highly decorated with Patriotic Red White and Blue balloons, Flags and streamers.  A podium awaits a speaker.  There is excitement in the air.

(Ron Burgundy approaches the podium to speak)
  Hello everyone and thank you for coming to the Announcement of the Ron Burgundy Campaign for President of the United States of America.  (wild cheers)

 
  I want to give a special thank you to Campaign Chairman The Only Wendy Shade and Campaign Volunteers Maureen Habek, John Rittler and Tim Hecht.  (small applause)

 This great country is starving for leadership and I want to feed it. (cheers)

   America needs a real man with brawn and great hair (shout from the crowd “your hair is a work of art, Ron)  Thank you, little lady.   We face many challenges in the future down the road and I want to be behind the wheel. (cheers) 

  I want to steer America around the potholes and through the toll booths to greener pastures.  It is in those pastures that I want to milk the cows of human kindness so that no child is left without milk.  I want to be the Duct Tape that repairs the split we see in our society today. (cheers)

  Will this be easy you ask?  Heck No!  It’s gonna be hard as hell but, with a great team like the Channel 4 News Team behind me and all Americans everywhere behind me, we can do this. (cheers)

  I know that you may have heard some “small voices” talking of smelly Pirate hookers and such.  Well, those “small voices” are jealous of my hair and they seek only to divide this great nation.  Well, this nation is not dividable! (cheers) 

We will move on past such nonsense and just ignore it until it goes away. (cheers)

Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy
  I’m asking you to join me in this monumentous task as my friends Jack Nicholson, Ricky Bobby, Cam Brady, Buddy Hobbs, Megamind, Brennan Huff, Allan Gamble, Frank Ricard, Jackie Moon, Mugatu, Chazz Michael Michaels, and many others have joined me for the future of America (wild cheers)

  Thank you, I’m Ron Burgundy and I want to be President of the United States.


Blitzed:  Well, there you have it.  Ron Burgundy has officially throw his hat into the ring for President in 2016 and what a race that will be.  That’s all from Crystal Springs Carwash,  with $4.00 Touchless Automatic service at 6001 Erie St. & Kyrene Rd. in beautiful Chandler Arizona 85226.  I’m Blitzed Wolfer for CAN




Monday, April 6, 2015

20 Hours with the Boys

  It started with a  panicked call from my friend Trey.  He and Matt were called away to Hollywood for a big emergency meeting and they needed me to baby sit the 4 boys, Eric, Stan, Kyle and Kenny for a day.  Their timing couldn’t have been worse because my wife is out of town visiting her parents.  Wait, It’s only 4 boys.  It’s not 4 Honey Badgers.  No problem, right?   Yeah right.  

HoneyBadger
  I had an hour to prepare so I rushed to the store to pick up the Sharknado CD, Snaky Cakes, Cheesy Poofs, Ice Cream and Batteries.  When I got home I quickly removed all breakable objects from the living room-campground and found all my extra blankets, pillows and flashlights.  I’d let the boys pretend they were camping by draping blankets over the furniture and using flashlights.  Brilliant eh?  So I thought.

  1:35 pm  The adventure begins.  Matt and Trey drop the boys off and thank me a disgusting number of times.  No problem, right.  Yeah right. 

  1:55pm  After answering several philosophical questions about why bald men choose to grow Goatees, I have the boys sitting, watching Sharknado and eating Snaky Cakes.   The plan is to save the Cheesy Poofs  for more troubling times.  No problem, right.  Yeah right.

  4:00pm  The boys have convinced me to take them outside.  They want to see “Arizona Wildlife” like Coyotes, Roadrunners, Gila Monsters, Tarantulas and Buzzards.  I tell them that is not likely where I live but they insist.  I’ll take them to the lake.  No problem, right.  Yeah right.

  4:10pm  The lake is beautiful.  The sun is shining as usual and it is hot. The birds are singing as I walk with the boys on the path between the lake and the canal.  We approach the water too look for fish.  Often large Carp…WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!  What the hell?  I turn and see Eric cracking a stick across a terrified turtle’s back. 

Agent 54:   NO!, Knock it off! 

Eric:  Bad turtle.  Respect my Authori-tie! WHACK!

I quickly grab the poor turtle and narrowly miss being whacked by Eric’s stick. 

Agent 54:  Eric, you just can’t whack living things with sticks. 

  I release the animal into the lake and swims away faster than Michael Phelps at the Olympics, apparently only emotionally damaged.

Eric:  It was a bad turtle.  I told it to get back in the lake and it didn’t respect my Authori-tie.

  4:13 pm  I’m not sure how to explain the reasons for what followed.  I guess the demon on my left shoulder got my ear while the angel on the right took a nap.  I decided that I would have nature teach little Eric a lesson.  No problem, right?   Yeah right.

Agent 54:  C’mon boys let’s look for a Great Blue Heron nest.
I knew exactly where to find multiple Great Blue Herons nests. Hoo hoo haa haa (evil laughter).  For those who don’t know, Great Blue Herons are large waterfowl that make huge poops.  They like to nest in large, noisy communities in the tops of their favorite pine trees.

Agent 54:  Eric, stand right here (under the tree) and look up.

 
Great Blue Herron
4:16 pm  There are many mysteries in life.  So many unanswered questions.  In this case these are a few of the questions one might have:  Did that bird see little Eric whacking the turtle and therefore he decided on his own to enact his version of revenge on Eric?  Did Agent 54 make a psychic connection with the bird and then did I give it an unconscious signal to let loose at that exact moment?  Was it just a happy coincidence?   We may never know but, as I backed away and Eric turned his mirrored sunglasses skyward,,, SPLAT!   The biggest bird poop ever splattered poor little Eric’s entire head.

  Still 4:16 pm  The three boys and I bust out laughing uncontrollably as Eric stands in stunned silence,,,and then he starts to wale.  Eric’s very loud crying zaps me back to reality.  I’m responsible for these 4 lads including Eric.  I frantically try to wipe poop off Eric’s head with my do-rag as I poor water from my bottle on him.  I look around and try to guess which parent in the park is calling the cops on their cell phone and which is filming this for a later posting to YouTube.

Agent 54:  C’mon Kids, back to the apartment for baths and dinner.

  4:18pm  All four boys are covered in poop or mud or grass or something.  Eric got bird bombed and the others have been rolling on the ground laughing for 2 minutes non-stop.  No problem, right.  Yeah right.

  8:43pm  I’m exhausted. The damage done to my wife’s bathroom will live in infamy.  One load of laundry is in the washer and one is in the dryer.   The boys are all bathed, fed and in their PJs.   They are setting up camp in the living room as I type.  I don’t know what they are watching on the T.V. and I don’t care.  I’ve been longing for a little me time to relax an…..zzzzzzz,zzzzzz,zzzzzz WHA!!! MAN OVERBOARD!  WHA, I’m, I'm all wet. 

Agent 54:  WHAT THE HELL???

  8:57pm  I charge into the campground to find 4 Angelic boys pretending to sleep.

Agent 54:  WHAT THE HELL???

  Boys all at once:   ZZZZZZ,   ZZZZZZ 

  I spy a Dixie cup on the floor and realize that my wetness centers around my left ear and then I know what the hell.  The boys waited until I dozed off at the keyboard and then poured a cup of water in my ear.  No problem, aw shut up!

  8:58pm  As I find my computer chair I hear Eric fart (yes I can tell it was him) and all the boys crack up.  Shortly, they begin mocking my “Man Overboard” call.  Hey!, it was part of my Marine training.

  11:03pm  The laughter and farting has died down.  I sneak into the quiet campground and open the sliding glass door a crack.  I dare not go to bed less one of these knuckleheads pulls a fire alarm or something.  I’ll just curl up on the couch and try to catch a cat nap.

  6:15am  The night was relatively calm a few cups of water, a few bathroom visits.  I managed to get some sleep but, woke with a stiff neck from the couch.  Coffee and Advil, now please!

  6:23am  As the coffee and sunlight show me an increasingly detailed view of the campground I see that nearly everything has orange smudges on it and the carpet appears to be much more crunchy than usual.  Ah yes, the Cheesy Poofs.  Maybe not the wisest idea.

Eric:  Agent 54, why did that birdie crap on me?

  I’m totally unprepared for such a straight forward, probing question.  I can’t tell him I planned it.  Nobody would believe that and nobody would buy the story that sweet little Eric deserved it.  Wait, maybe I should bullshit him into thinking I can control birds with my mind.  Wait maybe I did control the bird with my mind.  Huh?

Agent 54:  I dunno.

  9:16am  Trey is here to pick up the boys.  As I open the door he sticks his head in, looks at what’s left of the campground and just starts to laugh.  I have to laugh too.
As I hug each of them and say good bye I still find myself looking for orange smudges to wipe off before letting them go.

Trey:  So, if I need you again, I’ll call.


Agent 54:  No problem, anytime.

Stan, Kyle Eric and Kenny




Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Ron Burgundy Leading in the polls!

  Agent 54 here again.  Did you hear?  Ron Burgundy is leading in all of the early polls.  Here’s Blitzed Wolfer’s report:

Blitzed: Hello I’m Blitzed Wolfer for CAN, the Cable Ass Network and tonight we have exciting news from the 2016 Presidential campaign trail.  Brand new CAN Hecht-Cantilever polls show that Ron Burgundy is leading the race for President in 2016 at this very early stage in all 57 states.  We are hoping to give the candidate this good news as we wait for him outside Serge Normant at John Frieda Salon on Melrose Place in Los Angeles California.  I think I see Ron and his campaign staff coming now. Ron, do you have some time for an interview with CAN?

Ron Burgundy:  Certainly Blitzed, I’m all too happy to talk to millions of CAN’s registered viewers, uh registered voters, uh voters viewing. (The Only Wendy Shade is giving Ron the “cut it” signal)

Blitzed:  Well, we have really good news for you Ron.  Our latest polling data indicates that you have the lead in every state at this early stage.

Ron:  Wow wee, that is good news.  Well, it shows that we are getting our message out there and that the people know great hair when they see it.

Blitzed:  How is the campaigning going?  You’ve been out in your campaign bus traveling across this great land.  What are the people telling you?

Ron:  The campaign is going strong.  We are picking up new volunteers everywhere we go.  The people have been very kind.  As for what they are telling us, well it’s the same everywhere.  They think everyone in the Federal Government is dirty and they want us to clean up Washington D.C. Politics.

Blitzed:  D.C. Politics have been very dirty for a very long time.  Politicians in the past have promised to clean it up, “drain the swamp” if you will.  Do you have a plan that will actually succeed in cleaning up Washington?

Ron:  Yes, yes we do.  I’ve been working very hard with Campaign Chairman The Only Wendy Shade and Financial/Spiritual Adviser Howard Forman and we’ve come up with a revolutionary plan to, not only clean-up politics but to also finance my entire Presidential Campaign.

Blitzed:  Well, that is a bold statement.  Just how do you intend to do this?

Ron:  Blitzed it is my honor to announce to the world through CAN, the Cable Ass Network that I, Ron Burgundy, candidate for President of the United States in 2016 am going to finance my campaign and clean-up Washington D.C. at the same time by becoming Old Spice’s newest and most handsome spokesman.  (At this time the campaign volunteers start passing out samples of Old Spice products with Ron’s hair pictured on them.) (Volunteer Maureen hands Blitzed an Old Spice shampoo sample)

Blitzed:  Uh, thanks, uh I’m a bit stunned Ron.  Nobody has ever financed a campaign and launched a product advertising blitz the same time.  This is certainly a bold idea but, will it work?

Ron:  Of course it will work.  It can’t miss.  We will be running the cleanest, best smelling campaign ever.  Crisscrossing the country while promoting old fashioned American values like fiscal responsibility and great hair.  Old Spice will be picking up the campaign tab as we cross promote their shampoo, bar soap, body wash, deodorant aftershave and other products.   I will not be beholden to any lobbyist or special interest except the cleaning up of American politics.  With Old Spice there will be No smelly Pirate hookers, ever!

Blitzed:  Well Ron, this is the most fantastic story I’ve ever heard in my many years of covering politics.  Good luck to you and your campaign.


Ron:  Thank you Blitzed and to the people of America,  remember to believe in your Smellf and believe in Ron Burgundy.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Mega-Super Fitting

Agent 54 here again.  I got this call and then the video from this Mega-Super Fitting and was so excited I almost peed my pajamas.  I’ll start my report with the phone call from Megamind to Superman.  Megamind dials 555-Superma.
Superman

Superman:  Hello

Megamind:  Superma, (snicker) how are you?

Superman:  Yeah, real funny there Megamindy.

Megamind:  What?  Oh nevermind.  I have a proto-type suit ready for you to try on and test.

Superman:  Great Megaminor, I’ll be right over.

Megamind:  Oh no you don’t.  Ha ha, you thought I would just tell you where my mega-secret, impenetrable lair was didn’t you.  Well, you can get up pretty early in the morning but, you still can’t outsmart me.

Superman:  Well, how are we going to do this, Megamint?    
                                         
Megamind:  Okay this has got to stop.  First, I’ll say your name correctly if you stop destroying mine when we talk.  Deal?

Superman:  Deal!

Megamind:  Let’s meet at a neutral site like, say,,,Metro Man Museum in Metrocity in one hour.

Superman:  Uh, that doesn’t seem to be real neutral there in your Metrocity.

Megamind
Megamind:  Shccrrrrr what’s that?  Shcchchcch you’re breaking up shrrkrr,,,

Superman:  Okay, I’ll be there.

Megamind:  Good, Minion and I will be there in our disguises.  Don’t look for us, we’ll find you.

Superman:  Okay, whatever.  So, the suit looks good?

Megamind:  You’ll find out in an hour.  “Click”

Scene:  Superman’s magnificent, secret, Crystal Fortress of Solitude.

Lois Lane:  Honey did I hear you talking to Megamind again?

Superman:  Yeah, I’m meeting him in an hour.  That quirky little blue nuttball is more of a pain in the butt than I bargained for.

Lois Lane:  Oh dear, it will all be worth it if you look cute in the new anti-Kryptonite suit.

Superman:  You’re right sweetie.  Say talking on the phone kinda makes me hungry.

Lois Lane:  How did I know that would happen.  Give me a few minutes to make you a Mega-sandwich.
Megamind as Bernard

Superman:  Mega-sandwich?  Okay but, hold the nuttballs.

Scene:  Metro Man Museum in Metrocity in one hour.  Superman is looking at an antique phone booth display and wondering what it is doing in Metro Man’s museum?   A Nerd and a Robot Gorilla approach him.

Bernard:  Superman, what a delightful surprise to have you visit our museum.  I’m Bernard the curator and that is a fine example of a phone booth wouldn't you say.

Superman:  Yes, it is a fine display.  Are you aware that there is a Robot Gorilla with you?

Gorilla:  Hi Superman, nice to meet you.

Superman:  Make that a talking Robot Gorilla.

Megamind: (disguised as Bernard)  Superman, it’s me Megamind and Minion in our Holographic disguises.

Superman:  Yeah, I kinda figured that out.  Your disguise is great but, Minion, a talking Robot Gorilla?  I mean are there other talking Robot Gorillas around here or something?

Minion: (disguised as a talking Robot Gorilla) Uh, no sir, I just like dressing up like a Robot Gorilla.

Superman:  Yeah well, now it makes perfect sense.

Megamind and Minion
Megamind:  Enough foolishness (he hands a garment box with bunnies and ducky’s on it) get in there and try it on.

Superman looks at the box kinda sideways.

Minion:  Sorry Superman, it’s leftover from Easter.  It was all we had.

Superman:  Well, at least this phone booth dressing room is cool.

Superman steps into the booth and step right out again in the new costume.  Megamind and Minion stand there in shock with their jaws gaping open.

Superman:  Uh, It’s a little tight in the crotch region.

Megamind: (regaining his composure) Uh, I guess I underestimated your Supermanlyness.  I can fix that.  Did you look in the mirror yet?

Superman:  No, why? 

Superman looks in the full length mirror and sees that he’s wearing a beautiful new suit but, something is missing.  Ah yes, it’s his head and hands.  Everyone can see the suit but, now the person wearing it is invisible.  Superman quickly checks for his head with his hands.  Everything is where it should be, it’s just invisible.

Superman:  No no no, this will NOT do.  As a Superhero the citizens must see and trust my face.  The deal was for an anti-Kryptonite suit not an Invisibility suit that everyone can see!  How am,,,

Megamind:  Calm down Superman.   This is only the first proto-type.  You know, you can’t rush science.  Let’s try taking the Kryptonite test.  Now I’m going to slowly open this lead case that has just one pound of Kryptonite in it.  Respond if you feel anything.
Superman puking
Megamind begins to slowly open the case.

Superman:  Ugh, Awh, shut that thing, I’m gonna puke!

Megamind:  Minion, make a notes.  Failed Kryptonite test, Causes invisible test subject and tight in the crotch.

Minion:  Got it sir.

Superman:  Ugh, I still don’t feel too good.  I think the suit makes it worse.  I’m gonna change before someone sees Superman puking out of an invisible head.

Megamind:  Minion, make that Really, Really Failed the Kryptonite test.  I wonder where we went wrong?  Maybe we cured the Lead-Carbon Nano Tube Fibers in Ultra-violet light for too long.

Superman has changed and looks like he’s back to his super self.

Superman:  Wow, that was really bad.  It makes me wonder, did I pick the right guy for this job?

Megamind:  Of course you did!  This was just the first prototype and we learned a lot from it.

Superman:  Yeah, like what?

Megamind:  Well, I have to go back to my mega-secret, impenetrable lair and analyze the results scientifically before,,,

Superman:  (Interrupting) Look!  Next time you call me, I expect better.  I’m outa here.

Superman flies off through a sky-lite back to his magnificent, secret, Crystal Fortress of Solitude.  Back at the museum, Minion and Megamind discuss the day’s events.

Minion:  Wow, sir, he wasn’t real happy with you, uh I mean us.

Megamind:  Ha! Then let him make his own suit.  He’ll get over it.  He knows that only me, Megamind has any chance of making this thing work.

Minion:  Well, I thought that invisible body in the visible suit was pretty cool.

Megamind:  It is pretty cool isn’t it?  Just not very practical.

Minion:  Well, I thought that on Halloween you could make headless horseman costume that would be a big hit.

Megamind:  Ah Minion, you always know the right things to say to cheer my evilness up.  Let’s grab this stuff and get out of here.

Minion:  Yes sir, by the way, did you see the look on his face when he looked in the mirror?  Oh, I guess not! 

Both villainous beings chuckle.  

Megamind and Minion working in the lab.



Well, before science can have spectacular success they often have spectacular failures.  Let’s hope it goes better next time for Megamind and Superman.