Saturday, January 7, 2017
Agent 54 here again. I was relaxing over the holidays (I don’t remember which holiday) watching Ancient Aliens on my TV when I started hearing voices again. These voices didn’t seem to be coming from my own head, as usual. No, they seemed to be coming from a bowl of mixed nuts that were stationed on my TV tray. Was I dreaming? Were my Ancient Alien Ancestors facilitating a conversation between myself and previously unacknowledged intelligence? Am I just full of it? Please read my report on the conversation and decide for yourself.
Peanut: So, I heard Walnuts aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, ha ha.
Walnut: Oh great. Comments from the peanut gallery. Shouldn’t you be getting smooshed into a sandwich spread for kids?
Cashew: Yeah, real clever there Pecan. Hey, what the heck are Peanuts doing in here with us anyway. After all they aren’t nuts, they’re legumes.
Peanut: Nuts - Legumes, it’s just semantics. Humans love us so much we get to go to every ballgame and they put us in Snickers bars. Say Cashew, why did the humans name you guys after a sneeze? A-chew! A-chew!
Almond: Yeah, real funny there, Peanut. You’re a regular Norm McDonald. We Almonds are very special nuts. That’s why when the put us in a candy bar they call it an “Almond Joy”.
Filbert: Uh, say Almond, isn’t the Coconut the nut star of that candy bar?
Cashew: Well, technically Coconuts are “drupes” and not nuts.
Peanut: Who cares! This whole conversation is NUTZ! And Filbert, you wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for your cousin, Hazelnut being used to flavor Starbucks coffees.
Hazelnut: Don’t pick on Filbert. He’s an up and coming nut with a lot of potential an he’s sensitive.
Walnut: Oh you’re all crazy. Walnuts are the Human’s favorite. That’s why they save us for only their best, most festive recipes and occasions and why they use us to cover their ice cream.
Peanut: Who’s calling who crazy? Aren’t Walnuts famously used in Fruitcakes?
Brazil nut: When the humans want to take a walk on the wild side, they come to the Brazil nut. “Do, da do, da do, take a walk on the wild side”.
Macadamia nut: Nice Lou Reed impression there, Brazil but, we Macadamia nuts get baked into the most delicious cookies the humans can make. We are truly a very special sweet treat for them.
Pistachio: Well, the humans have been using us Pistachios as a food source since 6750 B.C. We’re the ones who have staying power.
Pecan: Just because you read that on Wikipedia there, Pistachio don’t mean it’s true. No, you’re just another nut unless you can be the main ingredient in a delicious sweet pie or ice cream. Nothing the humans love more than Pecan pie and Butter Pecan ice cream or a slice of Pecan pie with a scoop of Butter Pecan ice cream on top. Mmmm, mmm.
Peanut: You guys don’t have a clue. Peanuts have so many uses for the humans, I can’t even count them all. They even cook with Peanut oil and named their favorite cartoon strip after us. Peanuts are obviously the human’s favorite and you guys are just “bowl fillers”. You’re just here for some contrast.
Almond: Well Peanut, you don’t have to get so salty with us!
Everyone in the bowl groans.
Wow! What do you think? Am I going NUTZ?
Sunday, December 18, 2016
The Boss, Bruce Springsteen sang, “there’s 57 channels and nothing on”.
Agent 54 here again. Okay, I admit it. Have watched and I do watch way too much T.V. and it has probably rotted my brain somewhat. Though I do have other hobbies like blogging, hiking, treasure hunting and writing, sometimes I’m tired and I just want to sit in my recliner and watch T.V. Since most of today’s shows are boring, I often find myself falling asleep in my recliner. This is probably the best use of today’s dumb T.V. shows.
I want to believe my viewing habits are a little more enlightened than most people’s but, maybe not. I don’t watch much usual T.V. like the evening sitcoms or soap operas or the Hallmark channel because I have found that there are only about 35 story plot lines in regular T.V. and the shows just insert different characters into the same plot lines. Though I often enjoy writing about T.V. characters from my past, today’s characters all seem to be watered down versions of those I enjoyed as a child or teen. T.V. characters became stale to me after “All in the Family” with Carroll O’Connor as Archie Bunker ended.
Sometimes my wife forces me to watch these “Housewives of Wherever” shows where rich and spoiled women argue about the rotten things they say about each other. Sometimes that ultra – stupidity is funny though I admit that I’m jealous of them. Why do these idiots get to be wealthy. I’m a much better person than they are. I would make a fine millionaire. That is my big idea for a reality show. Someone should give me a million dollars and then follow me around with a camera to see what happens. If you happen to have a million dollars and a T.V. camera, have your people call my people.
I try to watch the History Channel or Discovery Science when I can but, my wife hates those channels because she’s afraid she might learn something. “Can’t you just turn your brain off and watch T.V.” she will bellow. Sometimes I wish I could.
I like to watch sports but, I’ve seen so much that that can become boring too. Occasionally I get lucky and find a great movie like “Forrest Gump” or “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” or “Willie Wonka” or “Blazing Saddles” but those times are few and far between. Ah, they just don’t make movies like they used to.
The News? What is The News anymore. The last election cycle was brutal for T.V. News. It has become all opinion and Bullshit anymore. It’s hard to find worse people than today’s T.V. or Newspaper Reporters. They will incite violence and stupidity for a good live shot. You would have to watch “The Housewives of New Jersey” to find worse people on T.V. Watching todays T.V. News you can see America being dumbed down minute by minute.
Of course the purpose of T.V. is to get you to buy stuff. I do find some of the endless commercials to be funny and I can resist most of them, with the possible exception of Taco Bell commercials but, many people are tricked into doing foolish things by the devious advertisers. The Capital One credit card ads with Samuel L. Jackson are the worst. This guy is yelling at me with his condescending tone to get a credit card and a line of credit that I don’t deserve, to buy stuff I can’t afford. When he asks “What’s in your wallet?” I shout at the T.V. “none of your business, jackass!” Uh oh. Yelling at the T.V. Is that a sign of brain rot?
So, I find myself turning the idiot box off more and more and just listening to music on my computer as I write. Living in Arizona, I’m lucky enough to be able to spend some time outdoors away from the T.V. too but, I often see zombies hooked on their rotten shows watching them outside on their “Smart Phones”. This is much more expensive than watching at home and they are watching on a tiny screen with all kinds of distractions around. I have to ask, who is smarter, the viewers or the phones?
Sunday, December 4, 2016
The two people on the phone couldn’t be more different. First, there is Green Party Candidate Jill Stein. She “decided” to demand a re-count in the 3 states closely won by Donald Trump in what appears to be a dubious effort to help Hillary Clinton. Stein received no percent of the vote herself because, as it turns out, trees can’t vote.
Here’s the call.
Jill Stein: Hello, this is Jill Stein of the Green Party, we’re clean, mean and Green. How can I help you?
The Count: Good evening: I am The Count ha ha ha. I heard you may be looking for someone to help you re-count votes. I am the greatest counter of them all, ha ha ha.
Jill Stein: That’s correct. We’re looking for talented people in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania to help us get the result we’re looking for, if you know what I mean.
The Count: Vundabar! I’m already here in Transylvania and I can start right away. Tell me, how much does this re-counting pay? ha ha ha
Jill Stein: Oh no, nobody voted in Transylvania. we need the votes re-counted in the State of Pennsylvania of the USA. Can you relocate for a while, Mr. Count?
The Count: Yes, yes I can relocate, if the “Green count” is right, ha ha ha, and by “Green count” I mean green-backs, bucks, dollars, moola etc, ha ha ha.
Jill Stein: That sounds great. Of course we can pay you handsomely, as long as the count goes our way, if you know what I mean.
The Count: Very well then. I will give you the most stylish and accurate re-count of the votes the world has ever seen, ha ha ha.
Jill Stein: Uh, I’m not sure you understand, Mr. Count. We’re not looking for accuracy, we already have that. We’re looking for a certain outcome. You know what I mean. We’re trying to cheat.
The Count: Cheat? You want The Count to come up with the wrong count? This I cannot do. For thousands of years I have been known as the most stylish and accurate counter in the world. I cannot compromise my reputation with an incorrect calculation, ha ha ha
Jill Stein: Well, I can get a chimpanzee to give me an accurate re-count for peanuts. I’m looking for certifiable results here.
The Count: Madame, I am personally insulted by your offer. No, no I will not be coming to Pennsylvania to cheat, ha ha ha. Good Evening, (“click”, he hangs up the phone)
Jill Stein: (to herself after the call) Hmmm, I wonder if chimps can be trained to cheat?
Well, it looks like poor Jill’s misguided efforts to cheat are going to fail. Maybe next time she can get “the woods” vote out to help her win.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Blitzed Wolfer: Thank you for joining me today for The Warrior’s Studio. Can you believe it’s our 6th show? Ah, where does the time go? This week we have Leonard Vader of The Evil Empire for you.
Audience: Mild mix of boos and clapping.
Leonard Vader: High Blitzed. It’s good to be here.
Blitzed: So, I understand that you are related to Darth Vader himself. What’s that like?
Leonard: Oh, it’s pretty cool. Uncle Darth is pretty busy most of the time but, we still find time to watch NFL football games together sometimes.
Blitzed: Really. Fascinating. Tell us, what is Darth Vader’s favorite team?
Leonard: It’s the Oakland Raiders of course.
Blitzed: I should have known. So, I have heard that you work for your uncle.
|Darth and Leonard at Raiders Game|
Blitzed: Firm? You guys created a “Death Star” that destroys planets. That’s more than a bit firm, don’t ya think.
Leonard: Well, when you are trying to bring order to the chaos of some rebel controlled galaxies, sometimes you have to break a few eggs. The Empire only destroys worlds for the good of the universe.
Blitzed: Uh, you’re right. I don’t understand you guys at all.
Blitzed: I guess. I hope he’s not aiming the Death Star at this planet “for my own good”.
Leonard: Ha ha, of course not, ha ha.
Blitzed: Okay well, I’ll sleep better now, maybe. So, let’s get back to you. As a relative of Darth Vader, how do you use the power of “The Dark Side of The Force” to help you do your job.
Leonard: There you go again with your labels. It’s just “The Force” Blitzed and I don’t use it. No, I just issue press releases and come on shows like this one to get The Emperor’s message of peace and unity out there to everyone.
Blitzed: So, you don’t have the ability to use “The Force” like your uncle?
Leonard: Well, I tried it once. I tried real hard but, it just made my ears ring and my hair fell out.
Blitzed: Is that why you wear that black helmet?
Blitzed: I guess I’ll take your word for it.
Leonard: Say Blitzed, I have to ask you about all those Empire Pizza boxes in your Green room here. How did you get your hands on so many of our Pepperoni Pizzas? You know there’s been a shortage of Pepperoni Pizza due to a rash of EMPEX high-jackings in this quadrant of the galaxy. I’ll tell ya, stealing Uncle Darth’s pizzas, that’s evil and not very nice. You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?
Blitzed: Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today for The Warrior’s Studio. Thank you for joining us here at CAN, the Cable Ass Network.
Uh oh, is this the final interview for Blitzed Wolfer?
Saturday, November 19, 2016
|My 2013 Chevy Sonic|
Agent 54: Okay, I’ll go first. I really liked the movie and I thought it was cool that the lead character, Jeff Gaffney, who was played by Zack Galifianakis drove the same car as me. The movie was pretty funny.
Shamu: Is you crazy! Man, the first half of that movie was so slow it woulda lost a race with Sea Snail. The only cool part was when they was eatin snakes.
Flippper: Yeah, I dunno. I mean it was a little funny sometimes and it did have some great car chases and gun fights and a couple of nice explosions. Oh yeah I like the little redhead, Isla Fisher. Get it? Isla Fisher? Get it, I’m a fish. Isla Fisher?
Flipper: Who cares. I bet Isla Fisher don’t know the difference. I betcha!
Shamu: Is you crazy too! Man, the chick playin Mrs. Jones was the hottie of this movie. (singing) Me-e-e and Mrs., Mrs. Jo-o-ones, Mrs. Jones, we got a thing goin on.
Agent 54: C’mon guys the movie was funny.
Charlie Tuna: Yeah, the only reason you liked it was cuz you look like Zach Gala-Gala-Gala- what’s-his-name and you drive the same stupid car. You do realize that car was part of the joke, don’tcha?
Shamu: Yeah, you know, nerdy little fat dude in a cheap little car. Can you be sayin “Loooooser”?
Agent 54: Whatda ya mean? I don’t look like Zach and he lost weight for this role and that little car gets 30 mpg and it got your ass to the movies today, didn’t it?
Flipper: Yeah uh. Agent 54, let’s review. You’re fat, he’s fat. You’re short, he’s short. You’re a white dude with a beard…..starting to get the picture here?
Agent 54: I liked the character, Jeff Gaffney. He’s a college graduate and he has an important job and a nice house and a nice car and good-lookin wife.
Shamu: Nerd Alert!
Flipper: Nerd Alert!
Charlie Tuna: Nerd Alert!
Agent 54: Gimmie a break! And who you callin fat, Shamu? And Charlie, I thought you had a little more class than that.
Shamu: Nerd Alert!
Flipper: Nerd Alert!
Charlie Tuna: Nerd Alert!
Agent 54: Fine! Well, I’m giving the movie 5 outta 5 Starfish. I thought it was great!
Shamu: Shiiiiit! I’m jus givin it 2 Starfish, both for (singing) Mrs. Mrs. Jo-o-ones.
Flipper: Right with ya, Shamu. 2 Starfish for my little redhead fisher girl.
Charlie Tuna: I’m givin it 2 Starfish too. I liked the pool scene.
Agent 54: (pulling a pocket calculator out) Fine! So, doing the math, that comes out to an average of 2.75 Starfish for Keeping up with The Joneses.
Shamu: Nerd Alert!
Flipper: Nerd Alert!
Charlie Tuna: Nerd Alert!
Agent 54: Fine! Whatever! Next time we go to the movies, one of you guys can drive.
Sunday, November 6, 2016
Agent 54 here again. Everyone knows that on my days off I like to get up early and clean-up my neighborhood by picking up trash using a plastic bag and my grabber stick ($19.97 at Home Depot). I had an interesting encounter with a kindred spirit, sorta, yesterday while out doing my thing. Here’s my report on my conversation with Foilman.
Scene: Agent 54 is walking down his street with his grabber stick and a plastic bag. A character is walking towards me who also has a grabber stick and plastic bag. This person is wearing a red-colored eye mask, red cape and a blue t-shirt with a red F on it.
Agent 54: Good morning. Uh, whatcha doin?
Foilman: Isn’t it obvious? I’m Foilman! I’m saving the environment by collecting foil, cans and other aluminum debris from the streets of this fair city. Who are you and what are you doing, citizen?
|$19.97 at Home Depot|
Agent 54: Uh, well, I’m just picking up trash in my neighborhood. I’m Agent 54. I mean that’s my nom de plume but, when I’m doing this I think of myself as The Rubbish Ranger.
Foilman: Nam de what? Sounds like you’re a little confused. I hope you are recycling the aluminum cans you’re picking up. You too can save the environment by recycling and helping to make the most of the earth’s resources. You are recycling, aren’t you Mr. Rubbish?
Agent 54: No, it’s, no, just call me Agent 54. That’s the name I use for my blog because of my part-time job. I do recycle at home.
Foilman: And what about the aluminum trash you pick-up? Do you know that Americans discard a billion tons of aluminum every day. What will you drink your beer from when the earth runs out of aluminum?
Agent 54: Huh, I don’t drink beer and where did you get that number. Sounds like fuzzy math to me. And another thing, what’s with the Halloween costume? You’re not trying to get any attention or anything are you?
Foilman: Hah! This outfit is smart and perfectly appropriate for an environmental Superhero. I wouldn’t criticize anyone else’s apparel when you, yourself look like you are dressed for a felony. Just because you call yourself Mr. Rubbish doesn’t mean you have to wear it.
|Jr. Rubbish Rangers in training|
Agent 54: I told you to call me Agent 54 and I wouldn’t make fun of anyone else’s name with a greasy name like Foilman? I mean really. Foilman – Oilman? What the heck? And don’t you mostly pick-up cans? What about Canman or The Canister?
Foilman: Now see here, I come from a long line of…
Agent 54: (Interrupting). Wait a minute! What the heck are we doing here? I didn’t come out to get into a pissing contest with you. I actually admire what you do. We are both protecting the environment in our own way on our time off work.
Foilman: Yes, well, you do have a point except all my time is time off work. I just like to use the extra money I get from selling the scrap aluminum to buy cigars.
Agent 54: There you go, cigars! I love a good cigar. Hey! Are you saying you don’t work?
Agent 54: How’d you pull that off?
Foilman: I made some very smart investments when I first started working. They have paid off quite handsomely .
Agent 54: Well, spill the beans. Who’d you invest in.
Foilman: Well, if you insist, it was Waste Management.
Agent 54: I should have known. Alright, I’m getting hungry now. I’m gonna go home for some chow. You know, we’re both on the same team here. We should be friends. (Agent 54 puts his hand out for shaking.)
Foilman: (reluctantly shaking Agent 54’s hand) Yes, I suppose we are on a similar mission though mine is much more thought out and makes much more sense on many levels. Maybe we should get together for a cigar sometime, sometime when you’re dressed more appropriately.
Agent 54: (taken aback and turning to go and under his breath) Don’t count on it.
So, who’s side are you on? Foilman or The Rubbish Ranger?
PS: Today (11/12/166) I ran into a woman who calls herself "The Litter Gitter". She was on a nice Tricycle with baskets and she had her grabbers stick and a bag for her recycling. The Litter Gitter said she takes the money from the aluminum she recycles and donates it to her church. I'm glad there are other civic minded people out there like The Rubbish Ranger and Foilman.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Agent 54 here again. While I was carelessly watching football and baseball on my TV, I noticed some Shifting Alliances that made me curious. When I brought these concerns up with my wife, she made me feel like I was the only one in the world who cared or even noticed these things. Is that true? Am I alone? Do I need psychotherapy? Let me explain before you answer these questions or before you send the guys in the white jump suits with the big butterfly nets and strait jackets again.
I have long thought it was very odd that The General of General Car Insurance ran around with a Penguin for a pal. Though Penguins are an up and coming species and may someday challenge Cats for WorldDomination of this puny planet, my thoughts were “What the heck do Penguins have to do with Car Insurance”? Penguins don’t drive. In fact, Penguins come from the South Pole. Most of them have never even seen a car and they certainly don’t buy Insurance. I’m sure there are damn few of them that could even hold a job. Why a Penguin?
The mystery deepened as I began to notice that The General did not treat the Penguin very well. For years The General used the Penguin for a prop and never let him speak or fed him. Then I saw The General driving his snazzy red Corvette without his usual buddy the Penguin in the passenger seat. Did anyone else notice the sounds of kicking coming from the trunk of the Corvette? I don’t care if The General had to clean Penguin poop from the passenger seat, locking him in the trunk was just plain wrong and I have a good mind to call PETA on his ass.
|Shaq & The General|
The next thing you know, Shaquille O’Neal (Shaq) is riding shotgun with the General and has speaking parts in his advertisements. It appears that The General had thrown the Penguin under the red Corvette. I do like Shaq because he knows from funny but, he’s no Penguin and he should have had more respect than to break-up the General-Penguin team.
Before you start to cry for the Penguin, let me tell you the good news. In the most important and accurate article The New York Times has ever published, it was announced that the Penguin had landed a new gig as Winnie the Pooh’s new buddy and had even been given a cool new name, “Winter”. There’s no word yet about the question of is “Winter” going to get a speaking part in his new roll or if eventually Pooh-bear (he is a bear, you know) will eat the penguin (a stunt penguin, of course). Never the less, I was happy that the Penguin landed on his happy feet and I wish him well.
|Winnie the Pooh & Winter|
What do you think?
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Agent 54 humbly here again. I’m honored to have been nominated for a Liebster award by Chocolat Lover of the Not Meatloaf Again! Blog. http://notmeatloafagain.blogspot.com/ Chocolat Lover always reads and comments on my new posts and you know how we bloggers crave that support.
My favorite blog for years now is Sandee’s Comedy Plus. https://comedyplus.blogspot.com/ Sandee runs weekly features like Awww Mondays, Wordless Wednesday, Feline Friday and my favorite, Silly Sunday. I like to time my new posts to first publish on Sunday morning so I can link to Silly Sunday. I have been introduced to many other blogs and bloggers there and I enjoy reading those silly jokes and trying to support the other bloggers with witty comments. I do sometimes drop in on Feline Friday to check out the cat pictures but I don’t usually contribute because I don’t have any cats. I like cats, especially served with beans and guacamole. I’m sorry. Bad old joke. I wouldn’t eat your cat. Maybe a stray cat but, not your cat.
So, now that you know more than you ever wanted to know about me, it’s time to answer Chocolat Lover’s 10 questions for me. This should be fun.
1. My favorite chocolate bar has to be Snickers. The very name means little laughter and I have craved them since my first day.
2. I have Green Eyes and according to Ancient Alien theory that means I may have been abducted by Space Aliens. That would explain a lot.
3. I really do like cats and don’t like dogs. I will pretend I like your dog if I like you.
4. I don’t drink alcohol and I prefer to leave my mess at Taco Bell which makes them pretty upset when I get my food from Jack-in- a- Box.
5. Tough one. My favorite bands include Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, The Who, The Moody Blues, Nirvana and The Beatles. I have to say Paul McCartney is my favorite artist.
6. Purple describes me best.
7. This may sound sick but, the smell of old Hockey gear is my favorite. I played Ice Hockey for 19 years and that smell always meant a lot of fun. I miss playing Hockey.
8. My morning coffee cup is from a set of dishes my wife has. It’s white with apples and grapes painted on my side and a pear and grapes on your side. It has the usual V shape but, with a twist to it like when you were making it, you were turning the top and leaving the bottom set as it cooled.
9. Oh boy, I collect many things. I have a metal detector so I collect coins, jewelry, marbles, balls, beads, Legos, fishing lures, magnets and other things that I put in old Yankee candle jars and call art. I like colorful things.
10. I’m wearing Gold Toe brand white athletic socks. Nothing like good socks.
Now my nominations for a Liebster are:
Messy Mimi of messymimismeanderings.blogspot.com is one of my favorites from Sandee's Silly Sunday. I enjoy her bayou brand of humor and she likes cats too.
I have to bend the rules a bit and nominate Joe Hagy of the Cranky Old Man blog http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/ Cranky is another Silly Sunday blogger and his Stupid Headlines crack me up.
Tim Clark of the Life Explained blog http://tim-thingsastheyare.blogspot.com/ is one of my new favorites. I think Tim and his buddy Jesse Zahrt are running for office,,,or is that running away from office? I dunno.
That’s all I got for now for nominations so here are they’re 10 questions.
3. Have you been abducted by Space Aliens too?
4. Why the heck do you blog?
5. Vampires or Zombies?
6. Have you ever ordered a bucket of chicken all beaks and feet? Why not?
7. Do fish know they are wet?
8. What was the last book you read?
9. Do you use Duct Tape?
10. Do you know from funny?
I want to give a special shout out to Susan Leighton of the https://womanontheledgeblog.wordpress.com/Woman on the Ledge blog. Susan has been reading and supporting me by commenting on all my older posts. Turns out that we have tread the same ground in several different parts of the country. I really do appreciate Susan.
Finally, I want to post the website where Liebsters can find the rules for making your own Liebster nominations: http://theglobalaussie.com/the-official-rules-of-the-liebster-award-2016/
Thanks again to Liebsters everywhere. This was fun.