Saturday, February 6, 2016

Agent 54’s Night at the Improv

  In 2011 when I was on vacation in Lake Tahoe, a young comedian named Kyle Cease called Agent 54 up on the stage at the Improv, to help him with his act.  I was able to help him get a few laughs and so started my comedy career.  So far, I haven’t earned a dime in comedy but, maybe I’ve made a few people chuckle.
That’s fine with me.

  I’ve had the outline of a stand-up routine in my head for years now.  Finally I’m going to actually write it.  I know what you’re thinking.  Calm down, you just have to wait a little longer.  Okay, just a little longer now.  Okay here it is.

Announcer:  He’s here all the way from the NSA under the DORD, how about a big hand for Agent 54.

Audience:  Polite applause.

Agent 54:  Hi everyone, I know you’re doing great or they wouldn’t let you in here tonight.  I’m Agent 54 and this is my first time on stage in front of people and,,(Agent 54 freezes in terror clutching the mic with both hands and wearing a bug-eyed stare of terror straight out into the audience for about 3 seconds.)

Agent 54:  (Snapping back into his slick and confident comedian mode)  Hey, but really, I’ve got nothing to be worried about.  There’s only two ways this can go.  Either I knock you dead and we all have a good time and the owner is happy and he invites me back and a Hollywood agent sees me and I sign a big movie deal and become a rich and famous comedian with a great big expensive car and a mansion with a pool full of Hollywood Starlets or it’s back to Friday nights sitting on the couch watching re-runs of Saved By the Bell.  I can’t lose! 

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  (Looking at one particular audience member in the front row.)  I know, you wish you were me, don’t you?  (Agent 54 gives the audience a wink.)

Agent 54:  So, have any of you noticed that I’m bald?  Yes, it’s true.  Fact, I have more hair on my face than my head.  I like being bald.  It forces you to have a sense of humor.

Heckler from the Audience:  You Stink!

Agent 54:  (To the Heckler) Thanks Dad.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Everyone, how about a hand for my Dad.

Heckler:  I’m not your dad and you stink!

Agent 54:  Isn’t he great.  He’s always been my biggest supporter.  (To the Heckler) Thanks for coming out tonight.  Kiss Mom for me.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  So, any Liars here tonight?  Everybody lies.  Raise your hand if you occasionally tell a lie. Okay, I’m going to count, 1,2,3 okay 27.   Wait a minute.  Not everybody raised their hand.  You Pinocchio’s are lying about lying.  I can see noses growing from here.    Hey!, Sir, that’s not a nose.  Oye, Put that away.  This is a family show.  

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  America loves lies.  I say as an American, Lie Big or go home.  In my 20s I found myself at a party at friend’s apartment.  Trying to impress a half drunk young party girl and knowing my buddy would back me up on any lie I cared to tell, I took the little honey to my friend’s fish tank.  “See those fish?” I asked her.  “I caught them, with my bare hands!  She was pretty impressed, that is until my buddy came over.  He just had to top me.  “See that seaweed?” he asked the drunken cutie.  “I got it from the bottom of a frozen lake, on Mars!”  Wow! My buddy was claiming to have proof of extra-terrestrial life in his fish tank.  What a great lie!

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Well, that little drunkie was no Rocket Surgeon, so guess who got the girl that night.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Oh boy, I’m getting the signal to wrap it up so the next guy can come out here.   I don’t know what the rush is.  He’s nowhere near as funny as me.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Thanks for buying a ticket, Goodnight!

Well, Whadda ya think?  Was it worth the wait?

Sunday, January 24, 2016

After OZ

  Agent 54 here again.  I got to listen in on another of  Blitzed Wolfer’s interviews this week.  Blitzed flew out to Arizona to find The Scarecrow, The Tinman and The Cowardly Lion, who are still good buddies after all these years.  Let’s catch up with our old friends.

Blitzed:  Hello again, this is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN and I’m here in Chandler, Arizona at the location of  the CLTMSC Security LLC company.  I’m here to find out how our old buddies from The Wizard of OZ are doing.  Let’s go inside.

Scene:  Inside it looks like a typical Bail Bondsman’s office with wanted posters and a general law enforcement theme.  The Cowardly Lion greets Blitzed.

Cowardly Lion:  Hi, how ya doin? 

Blitzed:  Hello Mr. Lion.  We spoke on the phone about the interview.

Cowardly Lion:  Of course we did.  C’mon in.  Make yourself comfortable.  Ya know, you can call me CL.

Blitzed: Thank you CL.  So, where are the other guys?

CL:  Oh, TM, uh, that’s the Tinman, he’s out collecting a bail jumper.  Ya know the Tinman always gets his man, ah ha ha.

Blitzed:  Ha ha, that’s clever…and The Scarecrow?

CL:  Oh, he’s in the back office, numbers crunching as usual.

Blitzed:  So you guys all work here?

CL:  Yeah, we created this business together.  I’m the front lion and I manage and train our security guard employees.  Ya know, since I found my courage, I’ve really gotten good at this self-defense type stuff. 

Blitzed:  I see, it looks like you’re doing well here.  Why did the three of you come to Arizona?

Cl:  Oh, well, ya know, after that whole Wicked Witch of the West fiasco, we had to get the heck out of The Emerald City in a hurry! 

Blitzed:  Really?  I thought you guys were big heroes there.  What happened?

CL:  Oh yeah, the people loved us and I was elected King of the Forrest and all but, then the lawsuits started.  That darned WWW has about 50 cousins and half of them are lawyers.  I ain’t scared a nuttin no more except lawyers.  Damn lawyers!

Blitzed:  I don’t blame you.  So, do you ever hear from Dorothy?

The Tinman comes through the front door, without his man.

CL:  TM!  Where’s your guy?

TM:  Sorry CL, I found him but, you know he has a family and he has to work the night shift to earn the money to pay for day care for the kids and…

CL:  (cutting of TM) Ya let him go again.

TM: Sorry CL.

Blitzed:  Does this happen often?

CL:  Too often!  TM, how many times have I told you?  Ya have to control that over-sized heart of yours.  SC is going to have a fit!

The Scarecrow comes out of the back room wearing a green account’s visor, pencil behind his ear and holding a financial ledger in his arms.  He looks up over his reading glasses.

SC:  Tinman!  Your back.  Where is he?

CL:  Don’t ask.

TM:  Sorry SC.

SC:  (angrily)  I don’t believe it.  Now how do you expect me to pay for your annual rust proofing?  Honestly, you give migraines and I don’t even have a brain.

The Tinman starts to weep.

CL:  (handing TM a tissue)  Cut it out.  It’ll be okay. 

SC:  Incredible!

The Scarecrow rushes back into his office and slams the door behind him.

CL:  Take it easy TM.  You know SC is a worrier.  It will all be okay.

TM:  I dunno, he looked pretty mad.  You know, I think he still resents me for insisting we come to Arizona.

CL:  Nonsense!  He knows that if we stayed in Kansas, you would have rusted to death by now and he’d still be out standing in a field.

Blitzed:  Pardon me for interrupting but, is this business in trouble?

CL:  Well, in this “Obama Recovery” nobody is doing great but, we’ll get by.  Hey, thanks for coming out Blitzed and tell all your friends to call CLTMSC Security LLC for all their security needs.

Blitzed:  Thank you CL.  Well that raps it up.  This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN from Chandler, Arizona saying “thanks for watching”.  

Holly flying monkeys!  I had no idea those guys were in Arizona.  Stay tuned to Agent 54 to see who Blitzed Wolfer interviews next.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. III

  Agent 54 here again.   I’m very uh, happy and somewhat surprised to bring you the third episode of Blitzed Wolfer’s new interview series, The Warrior’s Studio.  As you may have noticed, it’s not going real well yet but, Blitzed Wolfer is hoping it’s just the learning curve.  Here’s my latest report from the (CAN) Cable Ass Network studio.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Welcome everyone to the third episode of The Warrior’s Studio.  I’m Blitzed Wolfer and today’s guest is AJ “Buckethead” Smith who has worked as a Radioman on several Rebel Alliance ships.

Audience:  Polite applause for “Buckethead”.

Buckethead:  Thanks Blitzed but, I’m not a Radioman.  I’m a Level 3 Communications Expert.  On the ship were referred to as Commie 3s.

Blitzed:  Oh, Commie 3s?  Why don’t you then wear a Red helmet?  (chuckling).

Buckethead:  Uh, I hope this is not supposed to be a comedy show.

Blitzed:  No, I apologize, I don’t know what’s gotten in to me.  Please tell me what ship are you currently serving on? 

Buckethead:  Yeah, I’ve worked my way up to the MC80 Home One Type Star Cruiser named “Bob”.

Blitzed:  Bob?

Buckethead:  Affirmative.  Bob is so big that I don’t think they’re even done building it yet.  It has as many people on it as a small moon.

Blitzed:  But, why Bob?  Who was Bob?

Buckethead:  Bob was probably a guy named Robert. 

Blitzed:  That would make sense.  Let’s move on.  Tell me why you’re still wearing that magnificent helmet with the antennae even though you’re off duty.

Buckethead:  It is magnificent isn’t it.  Really puts the Bucket in ole “Buckethead”.  I just love wearing it.  In fact I don’t ever take it off.

Blitzed:  Never?

Buckethead:  Nah, with all the great electronic scanning devices build in, I can listen to anything in the Universe with this hat on.

Blitzed:  Anything?  What do you like to listen to?

Buckethead:  Cubs games.  Let’s go Cubbies!

Blitzed:  You mean the Chicago Cubs?  Aren’t they the baseball team that hasn’t won in over a 100 years.

Buckethead:  Back off there Blitzed!  They’re my favorite and besides, any team can have a bad Century or so.

Blitzed:  Okay but, you never take that helmet off?  I mean, don’t you have to wash it?  Wouldn’t you like to shampoo your hair?

Buckethead:  How do you know I have any hair?

Blitzed:  But, just for hygiene purposes, I mean your face is looking a little green and your eyes are kinda red.

Buckethead:  Yeah, well I just thought I’d smoke a doobie to relax before coming in here.  Hey don’t you want to know more about my job as a Warrior for the Rebel Alliance?

Blitzed:  In a minute but, I think my audience would like to see you without the helmet.

Buckethead:  Yeah, well too bad.  The helmet stays on.

Blitzed: (turning to the audience)  Don’t you want to see “Buckethead” without his bucket?

Audience:  (the half that are still awake, kinda moan and groan)  Mmmfm.

Buckethead:  Blitzed, let me guess, you’re not the ratings leader in this time slot, are you?

Blitzed:  Uh, no, far from it.  So, what exactly do you do aboard “Bob”?

Buckethead:  Okay, now we’re getting back on track.  I listen to the non-coded communications of the people on the ships of the Empire.

Blitzed:  Non-coded messages?  Don’t you listen to secret communications? 

Buckethead:  Nah, that’s what the Commie 5s and above do.

Blitzed:  So, what does the enemy say in their “non-coded” messages?

Buckethead:  Well, they mostly order a lot of Pizzas. A lot of Pizzas. Sometimes they switch it up and call Jimmy John’s but, most of the time, Pizzas.

Blitzed:  Fascinating, so what have you learned about the Empire by listening to them?

Buckethead:  The Empire loves Pepperoni.

Blitzed:  Amazing.  What else do they talk about?

Buckethead:  Sports betting.  A lot of them bet against the Cubs.  I hate those rich bastards.

Blitzed:  Yes, don’t we all.  Well, that’s all the time we have on The Warrior’s Studio for today.  Join us next week for another inside look at our Intergalactic Warriors.

Wow!  That was the best of the series so far.  I guess we might have figured that the Empire was fueled by Pepperoni.

To Cubs fans everywhere, may the force be with you. 

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Smelly Pirate Hookers II

    Agent 54 here again. Just weeks before the Primary Election season begins, we have another update on the smelly Pirate hooker scandal that has been plaguing the Ron Burgundy Presidential Campaign from the start.

Blitzed: This is Blitzed Wolfer reporting from the 2016 Presidential campaign trail for CAN. We have Democrat Congressman Cam Brady here today to discuss the  smelly Pirate hooker scandal that is shaking the national campaign of Candidate Ron Burgundy. Congressman, you are from North Carolina a state that is famous for Pirates. Do you in fact know any smelly Pirates?

Cam Brady: Thank you for having me here Blitz. North,,,

Blitzed: (cutting him off) It’s Blitzed, my name is Blitzed.

Cam: Blintzed? Blipzed? Blitzed, Blitzed, is that it?

Blitzed: That’s it, how many Pirates do you know?

Cam: In North Carolina we are very proud of our East Carolina University Pirates and their football team. I know that sometimes after games or practices when they work-up a good sweat they can become temporarily “aromatically challenged” however, that is nothing that a hot shower and a splash of Sex Panther cologne won’t fix in a jiffy. I believe calling them “smelly Pirates” is, is irresponsible and uncalled for and also, Ron Burgundy is a fine man and his hair is a work of art.

Blitzed: Let’s get back to the question. The people want to know, how many smelly Pirates do you know?

Cam: I know many fine men, are some of them Pirates? Who is to say? You know it turns my stomach to hear fine men smeared with terms like “smelly” and “Pirates”. If the other side of the aisle wants to engage in that kind of politics, well then, let them. I however, will NOT stoop to their stinky level.

Blitzed: Congressman!  Do you or don’t you know smelly Pirates?

Cam: In this great land we are free to pursue happiness in our own way. Standing on the deck of a Pirate ship is as American as well, as the Nina, Pita and the Santa Maria.

Blitzed: Okay, one more time, I’m looking for a number here, Cam boy. What about the smelly Pirates?

Cam: You know in America we have always had the right to….

Blitzed: (cutting Cam off) Okay, that’s it, it’s a wrap. Let’s get the hell outta here. Maybe if we hurry we can catch Nancy Pelosi coming from her psychiatrists office for a comment.

(While the crew is furiously shutting down and packing up)

Cam: Uh, okay, are we done?,,,,,,we’re done?,,,,,okay well thank you Blintzed and thank you America.  Are we off? We’re off? Because I have to get a haircut,,,,,,so I’ll just go then,,,,I’m going now,,,I’m gone,,,,I could come back,,,,no? Okay.

 Wow! We literally learned nothing there.  Will smelly pirate hookers continue to plague the Burgundy campaign?  What does Donald Trump think about smelly pirate hookers?  Was Hillary Clinton ever a smelly pirate hooker?  Stay tuned to Agent 54 as I reveal, uh, stuff I think I might know.

Friday, December 25, 2015

Treasure Hunting

  For Christmas 2007, my wife gave me a Bounty Hunter, Fortune Hunter model metal detector and I’ve been hooked on Treasure Hunting ever since.  Today she gave me a Bounty Hunter, Elite 2200 model to replace the old metal detector that I had joyfully worn out over 8 seasons of Treasure Hunting.  Thank you, Dear.

  I have made a real science out of Treasure Hunting.  I have created Word files for each year or season and have documented the dollar amounts and the unusual treasures I have found.  I include treasure I find without the detector and things I find just by observing while using the detector.  I also include dollar amounts for treasure items I have sold to friends or the local Jewelry makers who buy some of my silver & gold.  To date I have found $2766.47 in 8 seasons.  Not bad, eh!
Bounty Hunter, Elite 2200

  The beautiful thing is that I get to spend time outside in beautiful settings looking for treasure.  I get my exercise and fresh air while enjoying the thrill of the hunt.  I’ll probably never get rich using my Bounty Hunter, Elite 2200 but, I get lots of “me time”.  I like to write funny stories for my Agent 54 blog.  Often story ideas and jokes come to me when I’m in the field doing my treasure hunting thing.

  I enjoy cleaning and sorting my treasure when I come home too.  I often find foreign coins that I look up on the internet.  It’s fascinating to learn about different cultures this way.  I keep the foreign coins and other treasure items in different cigar boxes around my treasure (formerly office) room.  I have a necklace and ring rack and many small jewelry boxes for post earrings.  It gives me great satisfaction to look around my treasure room and see all this and 4 jars for American coins and Tokens, “No Cash Value”. 
Necklace Tree

  I’m looking forward to many more years of Treasure Hunting with my new toy.  I’m sure I’ll have more great pictures to show you in the coming seasons. 

Wish me luck!

More Treasure Pictures

  My “Wheaties” are in the box on the right.  More “Wheaties” in blue collector’s pads.  Foreign and special coins are in center cigar box with Canadian coins in far right box.  I found all these coins.  I never buy coins.

A good day of  "Coin Shooting". 
Toy Cars and Keys

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Merry Christmas from Ron Burgundy

Hey there America.  You’re looking good.

   It’s time to celebrate the holidays with friends and family so I’ve given the Campaign staff some time off to enjoy themselves with their loved ones.  I have to thank my Campaign Manager The Only Wendy Shade, My Financial/Spiritual Adviser Howard  and Campaign volunteers John, Joe B., Maureen, and Tim  for the many hours they have contributed to my election to the highest office in the land in 2016.  They’re really all the best and we’ve had a lot of fun.  I’ll be asking a lot more from them as the campaign rolls along in the coming year.

  In this season of giving, I want to remind you that there are many Americans out there who aren’t as fortunate as the rest of us and we should all do something to help those Americans this time of year.  Personally, I bought and gift wrapped two new doggie chew toys, one goes under the tree for Baxter and one goes into the Toys for Tots box that the Marines put out in the mall.  The Marine Corps will make sure the toys go to children and dogs who may not have received anything this year if it wasn’t for your generosity.   

  I want to tell you that I know this country is still starving for leadership and I want to feed it.  America needs a real man with brawn and great hair.  We face many challenges in the future down the road and I want to be behind the wheel.  I want to steer America around the potholes and through the toll booths to greener pastures.  It is in those pastures that I want to milk the cows of human kindness so that no child is left without milk.  I want to be the Duct Tape that repairs the split we see in our society today.

  Well, that’s what Wendy wants me to tell you but, it’s really more like what I told Elvis when I met him in New Orleans.  Elvis asked me why I really wanted to be President and I thought about it and it was pretty simple.  For years I’ve thought that I was, you know, quote a pretty big deal but, then someone showed me that I really hadn’t done much in my whole life for anyone else.  So, when someone suggested that I had Presidential hair, I thought this was a way to really do something good for other people.

  I’ve met some very interesting Americans on our campaign tour of America.  There was Fred Sanford in St. Louis who may become the next “Junkmaster General of the USA”.  I met a hairdresser at Fenway Park and race car driver Ricky Bobby in North Carolina.  I partied with Kim in Green Bay and talked to Carl Spackler in The Great Northwest and I even met Cher.

  What I’ve learned on the campaign trail is that we’re really all the same.  We all want the freedom and the opportunity to do our own thing the best way we can.  We all want to be safe and we all want a secure future for our country and our children and we all want to spend the holidays with family.  I hope I can help make some of our wants and wishes come true as your President in 2016.

 Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

 Ron Burgundy

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Piestewa or Squaw Peak

  Agent 54 here again.  I enjoy hiking the mountains of Arizona.  These pictures are from Squaw Peak which was renamed Piestewa Peak in honor of Army Spc. Lori Ann Piestewa, the first known Native American woman to die in combat in the U.S. military, and the first female soldier to be killed in action in the 2003 Iraq War.

The mountain is imposing from the parking lot. 

Agent 54 near the summit of Piestewa Peak.

Awesome Cliff Face.  Those are 40 ft tall Saguaro Cacti growing on the slope.

Nature's ancient layers turned almost 90 degrees.

Looking at the back of famous Camelback mountain in Phoenix from near the top of Squaw Peak.

My truck is somewhere in the foreground parking lot.  In the distance through the haze it downtown Phoenix with South Mountain along the Horizon.  A golf course provides a nice patch of green in the upper middle.

If you like to hike, you must visit Phoenix for great hikes with spectacular views.  

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Ugly Christmas Sweaters

  Agent 54 here again.  I once visited the White House in Washington D.C. as a civilian, on a tour where I said "mmm, meatballs" while lifting the lid of an antique serving tray.  My kids thought that was funny however, someone in the basement of the White House, spent a month trying to decipher the “secret coded message” I had left. 

 Now that I work for the NSA under the DORD I was able to look up the old incident report for my visit.  The report’s stated conclusion was that the messenger was “probably mentally challenged”.  

                                                 Now I work for them.

  Anyway, we’re having an Ugly Christmas Sweater contest at the NSA Christmas Party next week and I have to wonder, do I have a chance to win?

  I could wonder why anyone would have a contest for wearing ugly clothing but, it’s obviously good clean Christmas fun until someone pukes egg nog on your Ugly Sweater and then it’s good disgusting fun.  Some of the Sweaters I’ve seen, puke on them would be an upgrade.

  Will anyone’s aunt Ethyl be insulted this season because her nephew Phil, won his company’s Ugly Christmas Sweater contest wearing her latest creation?  Probably but, if you’re going to make an omelet you have to crack some eggs and if you get some egg on the Sweater, all the better your chances of winning.

  I can imagine the Sweater my buddy Billy Idol will be wearing.  Surely it will have some leather and some studs and probably a few holes.  He will definitely be a contender for the title.

  Flo’s Ugly Progressive Sweater will be mostly white.   That is until the puking begins.  But then, who knows what vomitus works of art people will be sporting by the end of the night.

  Inspector Gadget’s Sweater will be neat and have a device built in to automatically clean any puke or egg or egg nog stain.  He will not win.

  My friend, John Rambo won’t win either.  He’ll undoubtedly be wearing a Sweater with the sleeves ripped off  but, he looks so good that he’ll make the raggedy Sweater a sure loser.

  El Guapo has a chance to win, especially if he gets some good red and green Guacamole and Salsa stains on his Sweater.  Nothing says Christmas like Guacamole and Salsa.

  The Joker’s green and purple Sweater with his multi-colored face on it will be tough to judge.  Who has the guts to tell the Joker he has an ugly mug or that his sweater lost the contest.  Talk about getting caught between the egg and the nog.

  Lady Ga Ga’s Sweater will surely be too revealing and my boss, Max may have to make her cover-up.  After all it’s a Christmas party at the NSA and not a strip club.

  Nurse Ducttaper will probably be wearing her normal ill-fitting blue Sweater that she wears over her white uniform.  It’s her face that makes that Sweater a contender despite its lack of creativity. 

  Of course the Minions will look cute in their ugly sweaters.  They're a top contender for the crown.

  With so many great contenders it’s not going to be easy to be the Ugliest.  So, I’m off to the Goodwill store to pick out a winning Ugly Sweater.  Wish me luck.

Merry Christmas!

"If you want to destroy my sweater, hold this thread as I walk away".

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

California Antique Car Club

Agent 54 here again.  The California Antique Car Club came to town and I got to snap a few pictures of their beautiful Model A Fords.

Can you see the little statue of the iron worker on the bumper?

 I love this old "Grey Ghost".

A classic face.

 This cranberry sedan is my favorite.  

Just beautiful.

The morning line-up looked like a movie set. 

Ready to roll down old Route 66.

I want to thank The California Antique Car Club for being very gracious and letting anyone take pictures of their great cars.