Sunday, July 26, 2015

Burgundy Campaign visits Toronto,,,Uh,,,I mean Buffalo

  Agent 54 here again.  Looks like the Burgundy Campaign is cranking it up again.  On the weekend they were in Toronto, Ontario Canada for the Buffalo Bills versus the Atlanta Falcons football game.  From there they, reluctantly, moved on to Buffalo, New York, USA.

Scene:   We catch up to most of the team in the lobby of “The Mansion on Delaware Avenue”.  It’s just after lunch and Ron, Joe B., John, Tim and Wendy are there.  They’re going over the campaign plans for the day and talking about the past weekend.

John:  Wow!  I still can’t get over that game.  34 / 31 in overtime.

Tim:  Yeah, real exciting, except for Bills fans.  That stadium, The Rogers Centere is incredible with the hotel built right into it.

Ron:  That whole city was amazing.  With the CN Tower and all.  We should be campaigning there.  Wendy, why aren’t we campaigning in the beautiful city of Toronto with those beautiful, healthy looking Torontasians.

Wendy:  Ron, you know it’s a different country.  Those Torontonaughts can’t vote for you.

Ron:  That’s nonsense!  This is a free continent and the Trontosians should be able to vote for whoever they want.   When I’m President I’ll fix this deplorable situation.

Wendy:  What are you gonna do, annex the Canadian City of Toronto?  Good luck, President Polk.

Ron:  This is no joke!  Those Torontagans deserve an American President and I don’t even do the polka.

Tim:  (under his breath)  Yeah, look how much good American Presidents have done for Detroit.

Ron:  What was that, Tim?  Why don’t you save your smartass remarks for your space alien buddies.

Tim:  Man, take a nap on a bus and they never let you forget it.  I’m going outside.

Tim gets up and walks out into the parking lot to smoke a small cigar.

John:  You know I’m writing a snappy new song.  “The Torontotula Polka”.

Wendy:  Out!

John:  I think I’ll go make sure Tim doesn’t disappear again.

John joins Tim on a smoke break but, does not light up.  Wendy and Ron look at Joe B. who silently smiles.

Wendy:  Alright, now when the Canadian Limo gets here, we’re,,,

Joe B.:  (Interrupting)  Canadian Limo?  You mean we’re going by dogsled?

Wendy stares bullets at Joe B.

Joe B.:  I better check on Tim and John.

Scene:  Joe B. Joins Tim and John in the parking lot.

Niagara Falls
Tim:  (to Joe B.)  Those two Torontonuttballs kick you out too?

Joe B.:  Wendy said she got a Canadian Limo and,,,

John:  (interrupting)  What, we’re going by dogsled? 

Tim:  I’m having a blast on this trip.  Gimme fist pump.

The men awkwardly fist pump each other and some of the fists sorta explode.  Back inside the hotel lobby, Wendy tries again to get the campaign back on track.

Wendy:  Ron, the limo takes us to Niagara Falls for some picture taking.  Right now, your hair is a work of art.  Keep it that way!

Ron:  Yes Dear.

Wendy:  After that, we’re going to Elmwood Village for some Christmas shopping for the best campaign manager ever.

Ron:  Absolutely, (tapping his inside pocket) and I’ve got my prepared remarks about the Christmas Lights Controversy in my jacket pocket.

Canadian Limo
Scene:  A white van pulls up in front of the hotel with “Canada Limousine Service” painted on it.  At the same time, campaign volunteer Maureen pops into the hotel lobby from the elevator.

Maureen:  Good morning.

Wendy:  Morning?  It’s 1:10 pm princess.  Let’s go.  The Canadian Limo is here and,,,

Maureen:  (interrupting)  Wait, we’re going by dogsled?

Sunday, July 19, 2015

NSA Annual Company Picnic

Agent 54 here again to share my report on our Annual company picnic at the NSA under the DORD.   As you may have guessed, the picnic was held in a secret picnic location. The Oldies Band, Clowns and Ponies all had to be blindfolded and sworn to secrecy before being helicoptered in for the day.  Other than that it was more or less your average company picnic with just a few more eccentric personalities.  Of course all activities and conversations in the area were recorded.  Here’s how some of those conversations went.

Scene:  In a beautiful open space of a National Park somewhere in America there’s a large open sided tent, under which is a band in one corner and a Black Jack table with a dealer dressed in 1800s costume in another.  In the middle is a large grilling station where typical picnic fare is being cooked.  There are various game stations around the tent along with a face painting station for the kids.  Outside some cowboys and cowgirls are leading the kids around on the backs of the ponies.  The atmosphere is festive.  Agent 54 is seated at a table with a couple of his buddies.

Agent 54:  Who’s that guy?
El Guapo

John Rambo:  I dunno.

Inspector Gadget:  (standing at table) That my friends, is El Guapo.

Billy Idol:  El whato?

Inspector Gadget:  They call him El Guapo and he just started this week.  He used to be in construction, specializing in excavations.  He’s in the Spanish department.

The conversation is interrupted by the sound of loud, psychotic, evil laughter coming from the Black Jack table.

The Joker:  Ha Ha Ha, I win again! He He He, you can’t beat me!

Billy Idol:  Wow, Joker’s having a ball.  He don’t seem to care that he’s just winning play money.

John Rambo:  Yeah, he’s having a blast cuz he thinks he’s cheating and getting away with it.

Agent 54:  What do you think will happen when he figures out the dealer is giving everybody 21 by dealing from the bottom of the deck?

John Rambo:  I dunno but, I ain’t getting in the middle of it.

Billy Idol:  Hey, what the hell is that?  (pointing to 3 short yellow beings wearing blue overalls and safety goggles.

Inspector Gadget:  Those are Minions.  Those little guys work their butts off, uh if they have butts.

John Rambo:  Them little yellow guys look like they come from some Banana Republic.

Inspector Gadget:  Take it easy Rambo.  I’ve never heard them say anything political.  Actually I’ve never heard them say anything I’ve understood but, look how cute they are.  Why they wouldn’t harm a fly.

Billy Idol:  They look drunk to me.

Agent 54:  Huh?

Another burst of psychotic, evil laughter comes from the Black Jack table.

The Joker:   Ho ho I’ve done it again.  Ha ha look!  An Ace and a Ten!

Flo from Progressive Insurance walks up to the table.

Flo:  What’s so funny?

John Rambo:   It’s Joker, he thinks he’s winning.

Flo:  Uh,,he does know that game is rigged,,doesn’t he?

Billy Idol:  Yeah right, you gonna tell him?

Rambo:  Send them yellow Onions to tell him.

Inspector Gadget:  That’s Minions.  The little yellow guys,, that is, I think they’re guys, are Minions.

Flo:  C’mon Billy let’s go.

As Billy Idol and Flo start to leave Agent 54 asks a stupid question.

Agent 54:  Hey, you guys cutting out early?

Billy Idol:  Yeah, we’re gonna hang out with Miley Cyrus tonight.

Agent 54:  Whoa, Miley Cyrus?  Dude use a condom.

Flo:  We will, got a new box in the limo.

10 seconds of stunned silence goes by before Flo speaks again.

Flo:  What?  You know that Miley goes both ways.

Billy Idol winks at us and leaves with his arm around Flo.  As they get out of the tent, John Rambo adds his words of wisdom.

John Rambo:  Hey! Don’t do anything I would,,or should,,uh,,,hey, don’t do anything!

Agent 54 looks at a Rambo with a  confused expression.

John Rambo:  Well, I don’t know what to say.

Agent 54:  I’m gonna go take a pony ride.

  Wow, I really had a lot of fun seeing my old friends away from the office and getting to know some of my new co-workers.  Now, I can’t wait for this year’s NSA under the DORD Christmas Party.  Happy Trails!

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Burgundy Campaign Visits Fenway Park

   Agent 54 here again.  I was reminiscing about the Boston Red Sox 2013 Championship season when Ron Burgundy visited Fenway Park during the playoffs with the Detroit Tigers.  Those were good times for Agent 54, a lifelong member of Red Sox Nation.  Take a look at my report from those happy days.

Scene:  A crowd of happy Red Sox fans, some dressed for Halloween, are gathered on Yawkey Way outside of Fenway Park in Boston.  Fox Sports has a set up for television interviews.  Various producers and helpers scurry about along with the Burgundy Campaign staff.

Buck Jackman:  Hello everyone, I’m Buck Jackman for Fox Sports.  It’s October Baseball. Welcome to Game 6 of the American League Championship Series between the Boston Red Sox and the Detroit Tigers coming to you later, live from Fenway Park.  I’m joined today by former Boston Red Sox World Champion, Kevin Millar and Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy.  Good to see you gentlemen.

Kevin Millar:  Great to be here, Buck.

Ron Burgundy:  A pleasure to be here.

Buck:  So the last time I saw the two of you together it was at the rodeo.

Kevin:  That’s right Buck, we were at the Redneck Olympics and this dang fool was in the ring with some of the meanest, nastiest, stinkiest bulls I ever seen.

Ron:  Oh yes, that was quite a bit of fun.  You know, I was really impressed by the professionalism of the rodeo clowns and the stinkyness of those bulls.  They really stink.

Kevin:  Heck ya they do.

Buck:  So the Red Sox lead the Tigers 3 games to 2 in this best of 7 series. Tonight’s pitching match-up has Clay Buchholz for the Red Sox against Max Scherzer for the Tigers.  Kevin who has the advantage here?

Kevin:  This series has been very hard fought and very close with 4 of 5 games being decided by only one run however, It’s hard to bet against these Sox at Fenway.

Crowd cheers like they haven’t had enough coffee yet.

Buck:  Ron, you are more of a casual Baseball fan.  Which team do you like?

Ron:  Well you know being Ron “Burgundy” I’m partial to the color red so Let’s Go Red Sox!

Crowd cheers more enthusiastically.

Woman shouts from the crowd:  Ron, your hair is a work of art.

Buck:  Ron these Red Sox are known as “The Bearded Warriors” because in spring training they bonded over the growing of their beards.  Did you ever consider growing your beard?

Ron:  That was a long time ago during a deep dark emotional period in my life.  I remember drinking milk in the hot San Diegan sun.  It was not a good choice.

Buck:  Kevin, you had many versions of a beard when you played.

Kevin Millar
Kevin:  Heck ya!  Every time I got in a slump, I had to do somthin so, I trimmed it or shaved it or made it a goatee beard, heck I even put a chicken bucket on my head because one of my “Idiot” teammates said it would help.

Buck:  Did it help?

Kevin:  Heck ya, I went 2 for 4 with a double the next day.

Ron:  You know I once fashioned a royal crown out of a chicken bucket and wore it on the campaign bus to…

Out of the side of his vision Ron sees The Only Wendy Shade making slashing motions to tell him to cut that story short.

Ron…well that’s a long story.  Buck, do you like fried chicken?

Buck:  Uh, well yes but, later I’ll be having a Fenway Frank as Fox Sports coverage of Game 6 of the ALCS continues after the break.

The interviews are over that the men shake hands and go their separate ways.  Ron Burgundy is walking through the crowd with The Only Wendy Shade and a couple of campaign volunteers.

Ron:   I thought that went particularly well, didn’t you?

Wendy:  Ron, don’t ever tell that chicken bucket story again.  I’m surprised that I have to tell you that.

Ron:  Well, in the moment it seemed to be the right thing to do.  

Wendy spots a woman coming towards Ron with a pair of scissors held by the blades (correctly) in her hand.   She points to the woman and screams…

Wendy:  SCISSORS!!!

Quick as flash, campaign volunteer Joe B. tackles the woman and takes the scissors from her hand.  He pops up to his feet again, dragging the dazed woman up by her collar.

Joe B.:  It’s okay!  I got the scissors.

Ron:  Great Caesar’s Ghost!

Wendy:  What the heck is going on here?

Woman without scissors:  I’m sorry Mr. Burgundy.  I’m just a really big fan of yours  and I wanted to ask you for a lock of your beautiful hair.

The small crowd that has gathered around them says “awwwwe” all at the same time.

Wendy:  OMG!,  Joe, let her go and give her back the haircutting scissors.

Ron:  I’m sorry darling.  I can assure you that we don’t tackle all our fans that way.  What’s your name?  

Woman:  Carol.  I’m a hairdresser from Pennsylvania and a really big Red Sox fan.  Let’s Go Red Sox!

The crowd cheers enthusiastically.

Ron:  Well my dear, if I gave a lock of my terrific hair to every fan who asked for one, I would be bald in a week.  How about this instead.  Ron takes Carol’s right hand and gently kisses it as though she were royalty.  Carol faints and falls into Joe B.’s arms.

Ron:  Joe, you better take that little lady to first aid station.

Joe B.:  You got it Mr. Burgundy.

The crowd applauds the Burgundy campaign.

As Ron and Wendy resume walking he has an observation.

Ron:  Great Odin’s Raven it’s been an exciting day.

Wendy:  A little too exciting for me, thank you.

Ron:  And we still have a great baseball game to enjoy.

Wendy:  Yeah great, just don’t let me miss the second inning stretch.

Ron:  That’s the Seventh inning stretch.

Wendy:  Not for me it’s not.  If you need me after the second inning I’ll be at the bar.

Well, we all remember that the Red Sox went on to win the World Series with help from Ron Burgundy that year.  The Sox are struggling this year.  We may need to call on Ron again, just to make the playoffs.

Let’s Go Red Sox!

Sunday, July 5, 2015

MSM Current Events, Hillary Clinton "I like nearly everything".

  Agent 54 here again, I got to review Blitzed Wolfer's report from the Hillary Clinton Campaign before it actually got aired.  Hillary visited a small American town where she ate some Ice Cream and then marched in the 4th of July Parade with lots of her security and staff.  We pick it up on the parade route with Blitzed and his cameraman.

Blitzed:  This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN’s Election 2016 coverage, reporting from the Parade route.  The press is eagerly awaiting Hillary Clinton’s arrival as she strolls down the street in this Independence Day Parade.  I’m personally hoping to get a chance to ask Hillary a question.  I haven’t asked Hillary a question since,, well,, I haven’t ever asked Hillary a question so I'm very excited about my very first opportunity.

Scene:  Hillary comes into view in her Red, White & Blue Pantsuit slowly walking down the street surrounded by many of Hillary’s security guards and staffers.  Suddenly, Blitzed sees his chance.  He aggressively seizes the opportunity to pounce!

Blitzed:  (shouting to be heard)  Madame Secretary!  Madame Secretary!  Can you name your favorite flavor of Ice Cream?

Hillary: I like nearly everything.

Before Blitzed can ask his follow-up question, (sprinkles or syrup?) he’s roped together with his cameraman by several of Hillary’s flying monkey minions and pulled away from the parade route with the rest of his press corps buddies.

Blitzed:  (angrily)  What the hell is going on here?  Untie me right now!

Hillary Flying Monkey Minion:  Oohh, oohh, ooh, aaahhhh, aaaahh, ooohhh, ooohh, oohh.

Blitzed:  (to his fellow reporters)  Any of you guys speak Monkey?

 Scene:  Back at the Cable Ass Network studios editing room we find Blitzed with his cameraman and editor reviewing the footage from the parade.

CAN Editor:  Wow! That’s a load of crap!

Blitzed:  Well, isn’t there anything you can use on the film?

CAN Editor:  Oh, we’ll use almost all of it.  Just because it’s crap doesn’t mean we won’t air it.

Blitzed:  Whew!  You had me going there.  I thought I had wasted a whole day because CAN had gone back to using real journalistic standards. 

CAN Editor:  Oh hell no!  We’ll go ahead and run this crap, after all, we’re competing with Jon Stewart on The Daily show.

  Thanks to CAN’s relaxed journalistic standards the day was not a waste for Blitzed.  More importantly we found out that Hillary Clinton’s favorite flavor of Ice Cream is whatever flavor you like,,,,today.  

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Burgundy Campaign in St. Louis

  Agent 54 here again.  Today we spied on the Ron Burgundy Presidential Campaign as they attended the National Junk Convention at the America’s Center in St. Louis Missouri.  Here’s my report:

  Candidate Ron Burgundy has spoken and the crowd loved his speech and his hair which was a work of art.  The  Campaign bus is parked in front of the Center and volunteers Maureen, John (who looks great in a straw hat and a St. Louis Cardinals jersey) Joe and Tim passing out Burgundy campaign fliers and buttons.  Candidate Ron Burgundy walks out of the America’s Center with Campaign Chairman The Only Wendy Shade and Finance Director/Spiritual Advisor Howard by his side along with a few potential Burgundy voters.  We pick up the conversation as they walk to the bus.

Ron:   ….and that’ why I want no child left behind without milk.

Elder Potential Voter:  What if they’re lactose intolerant?

Ron:  In my vision for America there will be no tolerance for the intolerant.

Elder Potential Voter:  What?  (Campaign Chairman The Only Wendy Shade pulls the elder potential voter aside and tries to quietly explain what Ron meant [whatever that was]).

Ron:  Wow wee, I sure am getting hungry.  Guess it’s time to head to the bus and chow down before we set off for Topeka.

Finance Director/Spiritual Advisor Howard:  Ron, we’re heading for Kansas City next.

Ron:  Right! I can’t wait to be back in Mississippi.

Howard:  Uh, okay.

An older gentleman in a gray pinstripe suit with a neat black bow tie waddles up to Ron and the others as they reach the campaign bus.

Fred Sanford:  (calling out) Mr. Burgundy, Mr. Burgundy I got to talk to you, hold on, Mr. Burgundy.

Ron:  Yes, what is it citizen, wait!  I saw you inside.  You were up front for my speech but, you didn’t clap.

Fred:  I’m sorry Mr. Burgundy but, it’s my Arthor-itis  (Fred shows him his “crippled” hand)

Ron:  I see, call me Ron.  What can I do for you and your Arthor-itis?

Fred:  Well, Ron, My name is Fred G. Sanford, the G. stands for Government. I want to talk to you about junk.

Ron:  Oh, no thanks we have lots of junk on the bus.  In fact you are welcome to come on the bus and take some of our junk.

Fred:  No, no sir what I mean is that when you’re President of the United States of America, you’re going to need someone with a lot of experience to take care of, to organize and sell America’s junk.   I’ve been in junk all my life. I got junk in my head.  I got junk in my heart.  I got junk in my trunk.

Ron:  I see, you’re like a coinsure of junk.

Fred:  Yeah, what?  Yeah okay.  Let my get my son Lamont over here to tell you more about my El Segundo Junk Empire. (at Lamont)  Hey Dummy git over here.  I want you to meet someone.

Lamont walks over and Fred introduces him.

Fred:  Lamont this is the Next President of the USA Ron Burgundy.   Ron, this is my son Lamont.   (they shake hands)

Ron:  Nice to meet you,  Lamond.

Lamont:  It’s Lamont, hey ain’t you the dude who hangs out with smelly Pirate hookers?

Fred shoves Lamont out of the way and clutches his heart.

Fred:  (at Lamont) Get the hell out of here you big dummy.  (looking skyward) Oh Elizabeth honey, I’m comin to join ya,,,, with a campaign bus parked on top of me.

Ron:  Calm down now Fred, take it easy (campaign volunteers come to Fred’s aid)

Ron:  I’ve been thinking about what you’ve said and I’d like to explore the possibilities. (to a volunteer) Maureen, would you get Fred’s contact info so we can discuss the future position of Senior Junk Adviser to the President.

Fred:  Wow! You really mean it Ron, uh I mean Mr. President!

Ron:  We’ll call you.  Holy cow, I’m hungry as hell now.  (Ron goes into the bus).

Fred:  (daydreaming) Imagine, me, Senior Junk Adviser to the President of the United States of America.

Maureen:  Sir can I get your address?

Fred:  Or maybe Secretary of Junk.

Maureen:  Sir?

Fred:  Or Junk Czar.

Maureen:  Sir?

Fred:  Or Junk Master General,  Ahhhh.

 Wow! Ron is already off to a great start recruiting America’s best talent for his cabinet.  I just hope the rest of his choices will be as good as his pick for Junk Master General.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Zombies can’t catch a break

  Agent 54 here again.  I had to do a follow-up spying session on Max, one of our Zombie actor friends who happens to be “reading” for the leading man roll in a Hollywood movie.  You may remember that Max is tired of playing the traditional Zombie rolls that he has been typecast for just because he is a Zombie.  Let’s see how it goes for Max.

Scene:  A sparsely decorated office of the Director.  There’s a folding table serving as a desk with the Director, Writer and an assistant sitting in office chairs behind it and a folding chair in front of it facing the desk.  Various water bottles, papers, folders, clipboards and pictures (head shots) are scattered on the desk.  Another assistant is leaning on the wall, texting furiously on an IPhone.

Director:  Next!

Max shuffles into the room .  He’s obviously a Zombie though he’s in his best suit and has his hair neatly slicked back.  The mixed smell of Old Spice and rotting flesh follow him into the room.  Max puts his hand out to shake the Director’s hand.

Director:  (ignoring Max’s outstretched hand) Have a seat.  (looking at Max’s resume and Head shot) Max, it says here you have worked on 26 pictures.  What kind of rolls have you played?

Max:  (slowly sitting uncomfortably) Well, Uh, you know, Zombies.

Director:  I see.  You know this picture is about a man running for president.  So, you want to be the first Zombie Presidential Candidate?

Max:  Well, technically, Al Gore ran for President in 2000.
Al Gore

Director:  Oh yes, I had forgotten.  Why do you think you are leading man material? 

Max:  Well, I’m a very professional actor with a lot of experience. I’m tall and good looking, you know, for a Zombie.  I’m well-spoken and,,,

Director:  (interrupting Max and scrunching his nose) Wait! What the hell is that smell?

Writer:  Ooww, it stinks like fromunda cheese!

Assistant:  It’s the Zombie, sir!

Director:  Max is that you?

Max:  Uh, well, I tried to mask the smell with Old Spice.  Um, I’m sure it won’t affect the movie.  You can’t smell motion pictures.

Director:  Thank you Max, that will be all, NEXT!

Scene:  A dark and dirty bar in a nasty section of LA.  Max is at the bar in his suit with his Zombie buddies Allan and Brad.

Allan:  Hey, I told you so.

Brad:  Oh com’on Allan.  Give the man a break!  At least he tried to better himself.  What have you done to better yourself lately?

Allan:  I didn’t go make a fool of myself trying to get a job I had no business trying for.

Brad:  Nice! Kick your friend when he’s down.  Well, I’m proud of Max.

Max:  (starring into his Bloody Mary)  Allan’s right.  It was foolish for me to expect anything to change for us.  We’ll never be accepted.

Zombie Tommy bursts into the bar. 

Tommy:  Hey guys!  They’re casting for “Zombienado”!

Brad:  Zombienado?  What the hell is that?

Tommy:  Didn’t ya hear?  They’re making a movie that’s a blend between Zombies and Sharknado.   You get it don’t ya?  You know, we’re all doing our Zombie thing and then the Sharknado comes and the Sharks eat us.  I know, the Sharks are the heroes but, what the hell?  It’s work and they’re hiring  a hundred of us.

Max:  (sarcastically) Great.

Allan:  I’m gonna do it.  I got bills to pay.

Brad to Max:  Com’on buddy.  Let’s do it.  The work will take your mind off your troubles.

Max:  Yeah, ain’t got nothing better to do and besides, I always wanted to be fish food.

Brad:  Pull your head out of your ass and let’s get going.  I gotta get a new head shot.

The three Zombies rise and start to shuffle out of the bar.

Allan:  Yeah, here we go, payin dues again.

Max and Brad look at each other.

Max and Brad together:  Brains, brains, moan, groan.

Allan:  Damn comedians.   

What does this story tell us about the bias of the Hollywood Liberal Elite? 
Probably, not much.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Burgundy Campaign in the Great North West

  Agent 54 here again.  Today we found Ron Burgundy in Bend Oregon holding an outdoor town hall type meeting in a Home Depot parking lot near Riverbend Park.   There are a few dozen people around including the campaign volunteers who are distributing campaign materials to the voters in the crowd.   Ron is standing on a couple of wood pallets for a stage and the Campaign bus is parked behind him. We pick up Ron at the end of his opening remarks that Tim helped write.

Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy
Ron: ….so we must secure our National borders.  Now I want to open it up to hear what you folks from Blend Oregon have to say.

The crowd:  It’s Bend!

Ron:  What’s bent?  The borders?  Yeah, some say they’re broken.

Volunteer Joe B.: whispers into Ron’s ear.

Ron:  Ah yes, I mean the beautiful town of Bend Oregon.  Let’s hear from you. Oh, I see someone has bought some fencing.  Going to secure your home’s borders, are you?

Woman with fencing in the crowd:  Yes we are and your hair is a work of art, Ron!

Ron:  Oh, well thank you darling   Anyone else got a question or statement?

A man wearing a camouflaged fishing hat, dirty wife-beater undershirt, dirty shorts and clam digger boots, pushing a brand new wheelbarrow with a new flat shovel, a bag of manganese, a bottle of Chinch bug poison and some other various lawn care products pops up in the crowd out of nowhere.

Carl Spackler:  Yeah, over heeeree!  I got something I wanna ask.

Ron:  Yes sir, you with the wheelbarrow, please tell us your name.

Carl Spackler
Carl:  It’s me, Carl Spackler over at Bushwood Country Club.  You know, assistant head greens keeper.

Ron:  Carl Spackler everyone. 

 Mild applause from the crowd.

Carl:  Yeah, I wanted to talk about how our borders get invaded from North every year and how this invasion is intruding on the freedom of freedom loving Americans everywhere.

Ron:  Uh, invasion from the North, I don’t follow you.

Carl:  Oh yeah, I’m talking about the big ones.  Yes, those big fat Canada geese fly south every year and they land on my golf course and they eat the grass and they poop all over the place until you can’t make a 3 foot putt without rolling the ball through goose poop.

Ron:  I see.  So, you want someone to stop the geese from coming here and pooping.

Carl:  That’s exactly right and I know how we can do it too.   You see we set up these electronic supersonic sound emitters all along the Northern border.  These devices make noises that only geeses can hear and it scares the crap out of the pooping gooses and they just turn and fly for home, you know, somewhere in Canada.  Problem solved.

Ron:  But, if the geese aren’t allowed to fly South as they have done naturally for millions of years, won’t they freeze and starve to death in the harsh Canadian winter? 
Queen of Canada

We don’t really want to murder millions of Canada geese, do we?

Carl:  Uh, I hadn’t thought about that.  Well, maybe the Queen of Canada can provide some goose shelters with heat for the geeses in winter.

A woman speaks up from the growing crowd.

Martha Stewart:  You know I have a lovely recipe for Glazed Christmas Goose.  I believe in America some time ago we used to eat goose often but somehow we got away from goose and turned to chicken and turkey.  I think if America could return to the good old goose eating days, that would help with the poop problem.

Ron:  Well, I doubt that Americans will actually eat enough geese to rectify this situation.

Martha:  Well, I was only trying to help and I’ll be inside the Home Depot if anyone wants some personal gardening tips from Martha Stewart.

Christmas Goose
Ron:  That’s it!

Carl:  What’s it?

Ron:  I have a brilliant idea for you.   See, you take that wheelbarrow and your shovel and you collect up all the goose poop on the greens and you fill up your dump truck with goose poop and then you take it to the area farmers and you sell it to them as fertilizer.  It’s a win-win-win situation!

Carl:  You mean, I could sell the poop?

Ron:  That’s right.  How much goose poop is on the golf course?

Carl:  Tons, I guess.

Ron:  Well, even at 10 cents a pound you could make a lot of extra cash.  And no geese get harmed in the process.

Carl:  So I could get paid for shoveling shit.  Hey!  That is a great idea.  Everyone let’s hear it for Ron Burgundy and his goose poop plan.

The crowd had grown to about 60 people by now and they applaud enthusiastically.

Carl:  (very loudly)  My man Ron Burgundy, he’s, he’s got my vote.

The applause gets louder with some hoots and whistles.

The Only Wendy Shade has been watching all this in amazement.  She approaches Ron.

Ron:  (quietly)  Wendy, what just happened?

Wendy:  (quietly)  I don’t know but, keep it up, you’re doing great!

The Burgundy Campaign is really hot now.  It’s gaining momentum like a giant ball of goose poop rolling downhill. 

Will anything slow Ron Down?

Keep looking here for your Burgundy Campaign updates right up to election day.