Saturday, April 22, 2017

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. VII

  Agent 54 here again with another installment of Blitzed Wolfer’s terrific interview series.  Who knew Blitzed would outlast Bill O’Reilly?

  Today’s interview subject is kind of a happy accident and a social experiment at the same time.  Let’s check out what Knucklehead Ned, formerly of the infamous Spacebeard crew, is up to now.

Blitzed:  Welcome to The Warrior’s Studio for our 7th edition.  I bumped into Knucklehead Ned, the former First Mate for the infamous space pirate, Spacebeard and he graciously agreed to join us here today.  Please welcome Knucklehead Ned.

Audience:  Mild applause

Ned:  Aye, how ya doin?

Blitzed:  Quite well.  I noticed you seem to have an unique way of expressing yourself  Knuckle, or do you prefer Head or, uh,  I apologize, what do I call you?

Ned:  Argh Ned, will do just fine and fuggettaboutit!

Blitzed:  Yes, it seems that you have picked up some of the local vernacular in your brief stay here in New York City.

Ned:  No, the wench at the clinic said I was doin ahh-ight
Blitzed:  No, I meant that you have adopted some of the phrasing and accents found here.

Ned:  Aye, I’ve loined a ting or two from my new mateys in the Savage Skulls club of da Bronx.

Blitzed:  Oh my, the Savage Skulls?  Aren’t they a vicious criminal gang?

Ned:  Argh, I’d say they be more like mischievous than vicious, ya know what I’m sayin?

Blitzed:  Not exactly but, let’s move on.  Okay so, do you miss your swashbuckling about the galaxy days with Spacebeard?  Tell me why you left your crew.

Ned:  Argh, the question be, why did they leave me?  Aye, sometimes I do miss microwaving the Captain’s Pepperoni Pizza and hanging out with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers but, me new mateys and I be chillin in the crib and smokin blunts. Yo Ho!  It’s more fun than a barrel of space rum.

Blitzed:  So, you’re not going to rejoin Spacebeard and pilfer Pepperoni Pizzas from Darth Vader and the Empire anymore?

Ned:  Argh, I’m sure when they get to noticin I ain’t around and when the coast is clear, Captain Spacebeard will come about to beam me aboard and it’ll be just like olden times.

Blitzed:  Yes well, the coast better be very clear because we just got rid a nosey official from The Empire who was asking a lot of questions about stolen Pepperoni Pizzas.

Ned:  Yo!  You know, snitches get stitches. What exactly did you tell da man

Blitzed:  Oh don’t worry.  I made up a BS story about a failed investment in an Italian restaurant in Queens.  He bought it hook line and sinker. 

Ned:  Aye, I did hear that ye be full-a-shit but, I better not hear nuttin about you singin like no boid.

Blitzed:  (nervously) Honestly, I didn’t tell ’em nuttin,,,I mean anything.  I can keep my beak,,,uh,,, mouth shut.

Ned:  Aye, of course ye can.  Hey don’t get noivous, fuggettaboutit!

Wow!  Who woulda thunk a few dozen stolen Pepperoni Pizzas would still be giving Blitzed indigestion all these months later.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Interplanetary Gossip

Wolf 461
  Agent 54 here again.  We at the NSA under the DORD, picked up some strange communications from very very very far away and I had to analyze it.  It appears that the communications are coming from a couple of the new exoplanets that astronomers are finding in our own Milky Way galaxy.  Exoplanets are planets that orbit stars other than our Sun.  The really strange part is that the decoded messages are not from beings on these planets but, from the planets themselves.  Yeah, I know, really weird.  Here’s my report. 

Exoplanet Wolf 1061 (Wolf) is chatting with Exoplanet Kepler 442 B (Keps)

Wolf:  Hey Keps, whazzzzz uppppp?

Keps:  Awe, you know same ole, same ole, orbitin and rotatin.  Hey, you been checking out that weird solar system with that planet with the humans on it again?

Wolf:  Yeah, a little.  Tell the truth I get bored with Earth.  Too stable for my tastes.  You know I like little red hotties like Venus.  You know her surface is about 900 degrees. 
Kepler 442 B

Keps:  Oh yeah, she could keep you warm at night.  You know my favorite is Saturn.  I dig those groovy rings.  Outta sight!

Wolf:  Man, you always fall for those big stinky gas giants.  I mean, I know they’re colorful but, dating them is like going out to a cosmic porta-potty, ain’t it?

Keps:  Shut up!  You know your Venus has a thick stinky atmosphere too.  Hey no planet is perfect.

Wolf:  Yeah, well I never tried to score with no giant ice queen like Neptune or Uranus.  Remember when Uranus gave you the cold shoulder?

Keps:  Will you listen to yourself?  Talking like some kinda intergalactic Romeo or something.  You ain’t even got what it takes to attract a moon yet.  Let me know when you got someone orbiting night and day and then we’ll take about the laws of attraction.

Wolf:  Shiiit!  That slimy, dirty pile a debris you got orbiting you is nothing but a cosmic dumping sight.  That thing is the trailer trash of the Universe.

Keps:  You’re just jealous of my trailer trash cuz you ain’t even got that.  Anyway, when you gonna make a move on Venus?  You know, she ain’t getting no younger.

Wolf:  Hey, I’m a planet with a plan.  I’m just waiting till the time is right and our systems are just the right distance from each other, then boom!  I use a volcano to send her some of my life forms.

Keps:  Yeah, be careful.  With that thick and hot atmosphere of hers, she’s likely to crush and fry your little “gifts of life”.

Wolf:  Com’on!  You know I thought of that.  I’m gonna send her some extreme life-forms that can survive and thrive all over my little Venus.

Keps:  Yeah, well good luck with that.  Me, I’m looking forward to the day I can look Saturn in the eye and tell her how beautiful she is.  

Wolf:  Yeah, and if that don’t work out, you can look Jupiter in her big red eye and tell her you love her too.

Keps:  You jerk!  You know nobody likes that big fat cyclops.

Wolf:  Whadda ya mean?  She’s a big stinky gas ball too.  Ain’t that your style?

Keps:  You really are a jerk, there Wolf.  Why do I talk to you?

Wow! This opens up a whole new field of investigation for my NSA under the DORD.  I’m sure everyone in the Universe is going to want to know what the other planets are thinking about their celestial neighbors.  I could end up with a TV show on the Bravo Network or something.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Easter nEggotiation


Agent 54 here again.  I was eggxcited to get this colorful phone call between the foremost distributor of Easter Eggs and the head of the Egg Manufacturing Union.  Seems that one side wants a new deal.  Will these guys be able to resolve their differences before Easter Sunday?  Let’s hope so for the children’s sake. 

Here’s my report.

A Bunny Secretary speaks into her bosses intercom:  EB, I have Chicky Hoffa from the EMU on line one.

Easter Bunny (EB):  (sarcastically)  Great, just what I need.  Okay, I got it.

EB clicking line one:  Hey Chicky, how are ya?  What can I do for ya.

Chicky Hoffa, head of the EMU:  Hi EB.  You know we’re busy as heck trying to build up your inventory for this year’s Easter season.

EB:  Yes, and we appreciate all of your hard work.  We’re working around the clock here to get ready too.

Chicky:  Yeah well frankly, we at the EMU think you could appreciate us a little more and I don’t mean chicken scratch either.

EB:  Now wait a minute here Chicky, we just made a new deal in 2015,  We still got 4 years on our contract.  I’m afraid I can’t hop up to the plate to make a new deal at this time.
Chicky: (in an elevated tone)  Hey fur-ball, you know that ever since the stupid HOP movie came out, demand for our eggs has doubled.  My hens are working overtime and we need a bigger slice of the pie if you want us to keep up with demand.  We want more of the recognition for Easter too.  After all we make the darn things.

EB:  No need for insults, Chicky.  I’m sure you realize that if it weren’t for me you would have almost no demand,  I’m the face of your product and let’s not forget my expenses.  I have designers, artists, distribution and administrative staff to pay.

Chicky:  I don’t give a fart about that and I still can’t figure out how you made humans believe that a bunny would deliver decorated chicken eggs.  You know, I got an idea.  I just might create an Easter Chicken and knock your cotton tail right out of this whole industry.  How’s that sound?

EB:  Is that a threat?  Cause you may not know this but I’ve been talking to Donald Duck and he says that between his ducks and a bunch of quails he’s organized, I can get more than enough eggs to fill my orders.

Chicky:  Is that what we’re doin here?  Usin words?  Words like ducks and quails?  Is that what we’re doin?

Donald Duck
EB:  Let’s calm down here.  We’ve been in business together too long to throw it all away now.  Truth is we got a good thing going here and we should be able to figure out how to keep it going.

Chicky:  Yeah, well I just wanted to remind you that the Lucky Rabbit’s foot industry is starting to take off again.  Say, how well do you hop on 3 legs?

EB:  Alright, this is getting ugly now.  Look let’s talk turkey at our next board meeting.  I’ll buy you a drink and we can sit down and discuss things like civilized, professional, business animals.

Chicky:  Yeah, Okay, I’ll be there but remember, I ain’t exactly 100% domesticated either.  I’m warning you, don’t tweak my beak.

EB:  Yes, of course not.  You know, I’ve always had the utmost respect for you and your Union.  I’ll see ya at the meeting.

Holy Cow!  I can’t wait to listen in on that board meeting.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

LA LA Liked it.

   Agent 54 here again.  My wife dragged me and my movie buddies to see LA LA Land starring Emma Stone as Mia and Ryan Gosling as Sebastian (Seb) today.  It was a more believable movie than 50 Shades of whatever and I'm sure the dance numbers were better too.  Surprisingly, we all seemed to enjoy LA LA Land. 

Here’s another of our poolside reviews.

  Scene:  Agent 54 is sitting at a poolside table with a soda, notebook and a pen,  Everyone else is in the pool relaxing.

Agent 54:  Well, as usual, I have to start things off .  To tell the truth I thought LA LA Land was going to be the typical boring “chick-flick” that my wife makes me sit through from time to time so I can get to watch great movies like Sharknado and District 9

 However, I went in with an open mind and actually enjoyed the movie.  I found the dance scenes to be colorful and energetic.  I enjoyed the scenes filmed in and around Hollywood and the movie made me want to go back there for vacation again.  Much of the movie brought the viewers back to the golden age of Hollywood musicals and the music was good, especially if you enjoy jazz.

Carol (Mrs. Agent 54):  I liked the story except at the end when the guy and the girl didn’t end up together.  I thought that was sad.

Shamu:  Sad maybe but, they be keepin it real.  Nobody in Hollywood stays hooked up for very long.  I really enjoyed John Legend’s vibe as the leader of the band that Seb joined.
Flipper:  Yeah, well, I liked Emma Stone.  She’s one of the cutest little Hollywood starfish in the sea.

Charlie Tuna:  Oh boy.  You still got no class, Flip.  Last movie we saw you got a crush on Isla Fisher and that’s all you remember about the flick.

Flipper:  Eh, what can I say.  I’m a suckerfish for little Redhead Herrings.

Agent 54:  Yeah, getting back to the movie, I have to agree with Shamu.  The underlying message of LA LA Land was one of the sacrifice and commitment needed to make your dreams come true.

Charlie Tuna:  I say Mia has no class either.  I mean, after they split up Seb intercepts an audition call-back for Mia and he drives off to Colorado to drag her to the audition which makes all her dreams come true.   What does she do for him?  She gets rich and famous and forgets all about him and marries some French guy.  No class!

Carol:  OMG! He wasn’t a French guy and she helped Seb with his career before by telling him to chase his dreams and play his own music no matter what.

Shamu:  Shiiit!  Seb was gonna make it no matter what.  That guy can play the piano like nobody’s business.

Agent 54:  Hey, take it easy Shamu.  That’s my wife you’re takin to.  

Shamu:  Whatever, I’m just sayin he did a lot more for her than she did for him and that’s the damn straight skippy.

Flipper:  Hey I enjoyed the scene on the Santa Monica pier when Seb is singing.  You know, I used to swim near there all the time but, you got to keep your distance from the pier.  Nasty fishing hooks and that kinda crap all around.

  Scene: Carol gets out of the pool and wraps a towel herself.

Carol:  Okay, I’m heading back to the house to make dinner.  I’ve had enough of hanging around with this riff raff.  You comin, Agent 54?

Agent 54:  In a minute.  Gotta finish writing this up.  Hey, how many Starfish?

Carol:  3 out of 5.  It was good, not great.

Flipper:  3 for Mia, er uh Emma Stone.

Shamu:  4 Starfish all day long.  I liked it.

Charlie Tuna:  I give it a classy 4 Starfish and I would watch it again.

Agent 54:  I have to give it 4 Starfish too.  I have to admit, I was entertained.

Shamu:  Shiiit!  Agent 54 liked a “chick-flick” more than his wife, ha ha ha.

Agent 54:  Who you making fun of, you gave it 4 too.  Anyway, the movie averaged 3.6 Starfish.  Not bad for a “chick-flick”.
  Scene:  After Carol leaves, Agent 54 closes his notebook and slowly takes off his Hawaiian shirt,then shouts,,,

Agent 54:  CANNON BALL!!! 

Scene:  After the biggest splash in the history of that pool, Agent 54 comes up for air.

Agent 54:  So, what’s next?

Flipper:  Chips, no doubt!

Shamu:  Chip Happens!

Charlie Tuna:  Chips is gonna be a classic comedy.

Agent 54:  Okay then, Chips, starring Dax Sheppard and Michael Pena it is. 

Saturday, February 18, 2017

MRI, Who Dunnit?


Agent 54 here again.  As a former Marine and Ice Hockey Player, I’d like to make up a great story of courage, heroism and bravery about how I hurt my left knee.  Truth is that years after giving up Hockey and leaving the USMC, I hurt my knee moving a couch in my own living room.  Yeah, I know, LAME.

  I missed going hiking like a Viking so, after about 8 to 10 years I finally took my knee to the doctor and we set up an appointment for an MRI.  A couple of days later the doctor’s office contacted me to reschedule the appointment.  They said the MRI machine needed maintenance. 

This started the wheels in my mind spinning.

My first question was “Who broke the MRI?”  The questions would only multiply.

Did they try to scan The Invisible Man?

Was it Herman Munster with his unique physique?

What would an MRI reveal about Evil Knievel?

Did the machine overheat from a Trump tweet?

How will the cost of Obamacare affect the repair? 

How did they know it was broke, did it start to smoke?

Would they call Roto Rooter to fix the MRI’s computer?

If they used the MRI on a clown, could that cause it go down?

Was fixing the machine my mission, after all I am a technician?

Did the MRI’s signals get crossed, causing the images to be lost?

Was the operator smart and remember to push the button labeled START?

Trouble shooting a machine, when you begin, remember to ask:  Is it plugged in?

That MRI should run like the Energizer Bunny.  Did they think rescheduling was funny?
I know these are some of the same questions all of you would ask.  I have no answers at this time and I’m almost out of rhymes.  All I have is another appointment for another day and hopes that they can make the pain go away.   

Please wish me luck or with a bad knee I will be stuck.

UPDATE 2/25/17  I got the MRI done.  I think the fun has just begun. 

UPDATE 3/2/17 The news today was great.  The Doc. doesn't have to operate.
A shot of cortisone and some therapy and I can avoid surgery.
Thank you all for thinking of me and my knee recovery.

UPDATE 3/25/17 Therapy went well yesterday and the pain has all but gone away.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

The Politics of Surgery

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  Agent 54 here again.  So, I was trying to come up with something for Sandee’s Silly Sunday on her site when “the news” inspired me again.  When I saw so many of our elected officials in Washington D.C. acting more and more childishly every day and the debate over the Obamacare debacle taking more twists and turns than old Route 66, I was reminded of this old joke.

  Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them is numbered."

The second responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon said, "I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimed in, " You know, I like construction workers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over in the end and when the job takes longer and cost more than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and ass are interchangeable." 

How much truth do you think there is in this old joke?

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Nut Bowlers

  Agent 54 here again.  I was relaxing over the holidays (I don’t remember which holiday) watching Ancient Aliens on my TV when I started hearing voices again.  These voices didn’t seem to be coming from my own head, as usual.  No, they seemed to be coming from a bowl of mixed nuts that were stationed on my TV tray.  Was I dreaming?  Were my Ancient Alien Ancestors facilitating a conversation between myself and previously unacknowledged intelligence?  Am I just full of it?  Please read my report on the conversation and decide for yourself.

Peanut:  So, I heard Walnuts aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, ha ha.

Walnut:  Oh great.  Comments from the peanut gallery.  Shouldn’t you be getting smooshed into a sandwich spread for kids?

Pecan:  Peek a boo, I see you.  Get it, I’m a peeking Pecan, get it?

Cashew:  Yeah, real clever there Pecan.  Hey, what the heck are Peanuts doing in here with us anyway.  After all they aren’t nuts, they’re legumes.

Peanut:  Nuts -  Legumes, it’s just semantics.  Humans love us so much we get to go to every ballgame and they put us in Snickers bars.  Say Cashew, why did the humans name you guys after a sneeze?  A-chew!  A-chew!

Almond:  Yeah, real funny there, Peanut.  You’re a regular Norm McDonald.  We Almonds are very special nuts.  That’s why when the put us in a candy bar they call it an “Almond Joy”.

Filbert:  Uh, say Almond, isn’t the Coconut the nut star of that candy bar?

Cashew:  Well, technically Coconuts are “drupes” and not nuts.

Peanut:  Who cares!  This whole conversation is NUTZ!  And Filbert, you wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for your cousin, Hazelnut being used to flavor Starbucks coffees.

Hazelnut:  Don’t pick on Filbert.  He’s an up and coming nut with a lot of potential an he’s sensitive.

Walnut:  Oh you’re all crazy.  Walnuts are the Human’s favorite.  That’s why they save us for only their best, most festive recipes and occasions and why they use us to cover their ice cream.

Peanut:  Who’s calling who crazy?  Aren’t Walnuts famously used in Fruitcakes?

Brazil nut:  When the humans want to take a walk on the wild side, they come to the Brazil nut.  “Do, da do, da do, take a walk on the wild side”.

Macadamia nut:  Nice Lou Reed impression there, Brazil but, we Macadamia nuts get baked into the most delicious cookies the humans can make.  We are truly a very special sweet treat for them. 

Pistachio:  Well, the humans have been using us Pistachios as a food source since 6750 B.C.  We’re the ones who have staying power.

Pecan:  Just because you read that on Wikipedia there, Pistachio don’t mean it’s true.  No, you’re just another nut unless you can be the main ingredient in a delicious sweet pie or ice cream.  Nothing the humans love more than Pecan pie and Butter Pecan ice cream or a slice of Pecan pie with a scoop of Butter Pecan ice cream on top.  Mmmm, mmm.

Peanut:  You guys don’t have a clue.  Peanuts have so many uses for the humans, I can’t even count them all.  They even cook with Peanut oil and named their favorite cartoon strip after us.  Peanuts are obviously the human’s favorite and you guys are just “bowl fillers”.  You’re just here for some contrast.

Almond:  Well Peanut, you don’t have to get so salty with us!

Everyone in the bowl groans.

Wow!  What do you think?  Am I going NUTZ?

Sunday, December 18, 2016

T.V. Rots Your Brain!

Bruce Springsteen

  The Boss, Bruce Springsteen sang, “there’s 57 channels and nothing on”.

  Agent 54 here again.  Okay, I admit it.  Have watched and I do watch way too much T.V. and it has probably rotted my brain somewhat.  Though I do have other hobbies like blogging, hiking, treasure hunting and writing, sometimes I’m tired and I just want to sit in my recliner and watch T.V.  Since most of today’s shows are boring, I often find myself falling asleep in my recliner.  This is probably the best use of today’s dumb T.V. shows.

  I want to believe my viewing habits are a little more enlightened than most people’s but, maybe not.  I don’t watch much usual T.V. like the evening sitcoms or soap operas or the Hallmark channel because I have found that there are only about 35 story plot lines in regular T.V. and the shows just insert different characters into the same plot lines.  Though I often enjoy writing about T.V. characters from my past, today’s characters all seem to be watered down versions of those I enjoyed as a child or teen. T.V. characters became stale to me after “All in the Family” with Carroll O’Connor as Archie Bunker ended.

Chef Ramsay 
Sometimes I like to watch “Reality T.V.” like the competition cooking shows but, of course there is nothing real about them.  How many times have you had to make a Chocolate Soufflé in 2 and half minutes?  I don’t pretend to know what they are talking about on these shows either.  I still don’t know what a Crème Brule is.  I saw one show where they made a smoothie using moose and sushi and they called it a Mooshi.  I would like to try that recipe.

  Sometimes my wife forces me to watch these “Housewives of  Wherever” shows where rich and spoiled women argue about the rotten things they say about each other.  Sometimes that ultra – stupidity is funny though I admit that I’m jealous of  them.  Why do these idiots get to be wealthy.  I’m a much better person than they are.  I would make a fine millionaire.  That is my big idea for a reality show.  Someone should give me a million dollars and then follow me around with a camera to see what happens.  If you happen to have a million dollars and a T.V. camera, have your people call my people.

  I try to watch the History Channel or Discovery Science when I can but, my wife hates those channels because she’s afraid she might learn something.   “Can’t you just
turn your brain off and watch T.V.”  she will bellow.  Sometimes I wish I could.

  I like to watch sports but, I’ve seen so much that that can become boring too. Occasionally I get lucky and find a great movie like “Forrest Gump” or “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” or “Willie Wonka” or “Blazing Saddles” but those times are few and far between.  Ah, they just don’t make movies like they used to.

 The News?  What is The News anymore.  The last election cycle was brutal for T.V.  News.  It has become all opinion and Bullshit anymore.  It’s hard to find worse people than today’s T.V. or Newspaper Reporters.  They will incite violence and stupidity for a good live shot.  You would have to watch “The Housewives of New Jersey” to find worse people on T.V.   Watching todays T.V. News you can see America being dumbed down minute by minute.

   Of course the purpose of T.V. is to get you to buy stuff.  I do find some of the endless commercials to be funny and I can resist most of them, with the possible exception of Taco Bell commercials but, many people are tricked into doing foolish things by the devious advertisers.  The Capital One credit card ads with Samuel L. Jackson are the worst.  This guy is yelling at me with his condescending tone to get a credit card and a line of credit that I don’t deserve, to buy stuff I can’t afford.  When he asks “What’s in your wallet?” I shout at the T.V. “none of your business, jackass!”  Uh oh.  Yelling at the T.V.  Is that a sign of brain rot? 

   So, I find myself turning the idiot box off more and more and just listening to music on my computer as I write.  Living in Arizona, I’m lucky enough to be able to spend some time outdoors away from the T.V. too but, I often see zombies hooked on their rotten shows watching them outside on their “Smart Phones”.  This is much more expensive than watching at home and they are watching on a tiny screen with all kinds of distractions around.   I have to ask, who is smarter, the viewers or the phones?

  After examining the deterioration of the programming and T.V.’s overall effects on our society, I have to believe that now, more than ever, Mrs. Sturak is right.  “T.V. rots your brain!”