Monday, July 15, 2013
Dumbest Question Ever Asked
Agent 54 here again. I was on Jeopardy yesterday. I was! This shit I’m makin up is true. (Okay, I stole that line from a great African American comedian named George Wallace. I did! This name I’m makin up is real).
Alex Trebek: And the answer is Who wants to be a Millionaire?
Like a flash of lightning I hit my button with all the confidence of Superman.
Alex Trebek: Agent 54
Agent 54: What is the dumbest question ever asked? I replied fully expecting to have earned $400.00 in the category Dumb T.V. shows. (not really, it’s just that all the shows in the questions were dumb shows)
Alex Trebek: Sorry, No, (to another competitor) Prince, uh I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.
Then it occurred to me that there could be a being that didn’t think that “Who wants to be a Millionaire? is the dumbest question ever. This is a concept that still troubles me all those
years hours later. The debate in my head started.
C’mon , even the lowliest Occupy whatever, moron protestor, if offered $1,000,000.00 in cash with no strings attached would take the money and run. Right? I mean I want to be a Millionaire just so I can always wear a brand new pair of underwear. If I were a rich man I would have 300 pair of new underwear (Fruit of the Loom briefs, colors only, no whites) in stock at all times. Take a shower-new pair. Take a dump-new pair. Sit in computer chair for hours writing dumbass comedy bits-new pair. Surely there are more reasons to want to be a Millionaire than there are dollars in a Million dollars.
Could there be a reason for NOT wanting to be a Millionaire? I asked myself. The answer came back HELL NO!!!
That raised a new question. Did that Canadian Bacon shit Alex Trebek rip me off? No, no that could not be. Alex Trebek is one of the nicest people from one of the nicest countries in all the Universe. He’s doubly nice and I should and I do repent for typing the word shit next to his revered name.
Still, how the hell did I get that
answer question wrong? It came to
me in a flash. I remembered when I got
hit right between the eyes with a baseball at practice. The first moron to look at my broken
proboscis and two black eyes asked me
“Are you okay?”. That’s it!
So it is not that “Who wants to be a Millionaire? Isn’t a very, very, very dumb question. It’s that there is an ever dumber question that is universally asked far more often in every type of calamity and at exactly the worst time to ask it.
Are you okay? Is the dumbest question ever asked. For how many of us, excluding Alex Trebek, can say that we are truly okay in every sense of the word. Ten, Fifteen of us, maybe. That could be a stretch.
Having solved the most troubling riddle of my life-time, I resumed my game of Jeopardy where I proceeded to lose $728,000.00 to Alex Trebek. Care? I do not. Like I said, Alex is a nice guy and he’s letting me make payments.