Saturday, July 27, 2013

The Commodore (Does this make me a bad person?)

  I was walking down the path in the park behind my apartment, minding my own business, when I felt a sting.  It was a Red Army Ant.  I slapped him dead and the little bastard was still there on my leg, biting me despite being all kinds of dead.  What cajones on this little creep. 

  I got mad as hell.  Not just at the one little jerk, at the whole species.  They should have taught that one more manners than to bite me for no reason.  Now, they all have to pay. Hoo hoo ha ha ha hoo hoo (scary laughter)

Commodore Agent 54
  I immediately commissioned myself the Commodore of the Arizona Ant Naval Academy (AANA).  Our one and only mission, to teach as many Ants to swim as possible.  This task would be hard but, sometimes, I’m a hard man.

  I would teach the Red Army Ants to swim the old Pennsylvania Dutch way.  The Pennsylvania Dutch will take their young men fishing.  A father and an uncle or two will row the boat out to the middle of the lake or pond where they throw the young man into the water and row back to shore.  The youth learns to swim most of the time.

Ant grabber
  The Red Army Ant’s nest are easy to find.  They eat everything around it and when you drop something on the hole, they attack with the tenacity of tiny wolverines.  I used my trash grabber stick ($19.97 at Home Depot) to put wet pinecones from the pond on those ant holes.  The water seeps in and within seconds every ant gets the message “we’re under attack!”.   They swarm the cone and when it’s completely covered with ants, I grab it with the stick and toss it into the canal or pond.  Some ants bail as the cone is airborne but, most stay until “Ker plunk!” into the drink.

  This is the point where the Red Army Ants are most severely tested and where they always fail.  Yes, they try.  They flail their legs and antennae and whatever else they have but, it is useless.  They don’t know what the heck they’re doing.  They can’t coordinate their movements to get themselves headed in any direction even if they could figure out what direction they wanted to go.  The ants can’t follow instructions in English at all.  They just don’t listen! 

  So the Red Army Ants float on downstream at the surface or slightly under it until the fish come.  The ants that have the most energy often become the first to be fish food.  Blue Gills, small Trout and tiny young Bass begin to feast.

  I shake my head and go get some more ants hoping one day one lousy ant will swim to shore and give me a wink. Hoo hoo ha ha ha hoo hoo (scary laughter). 

  For it is only then, when I can show the world that I Commodore Agent 54 have taught a Red Army Ant to swim, making me a celebrity amongst men and landing me on the Curvy Couch of the Fox & Friends show, only then will the Red Army Ants have redeemed themselves.  Then, I can retire as Commodore and finally go back to my normal life. Hoo hoo ha ha ha hoo hoo (scary laughter).  

The One That Got Away

16 comments:

  1. You've a very interesting life indeed. Bwahahahahahaha. I'd like to watch you do this too.

    Have a terrific weekend commodore. ☺

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'd be glad to demonstrate for you sometime. Thank you for visiting and commenting.

      I think I may write about working for a living this afternoon. I wonder how much I will get done before I need a nap?

      Have a great weekend.

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  2. Does PETA know about this? Save the ants!!! I am getting a little antsy about this lol

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    1. Uh,I don't know. Shhhh, don't tell them. I wouldn't want hot naked chicks coming here to protest for saving the ants. Wait, what did I say?

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  3. In an insanely evil laugh - MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

    While you're at it let's also wage war against mosquitos too. Those bloodsuckers need to die!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. This is why I love bug zappers!

      We all must do our parts. I can't help it if I enjoy it too.

      Hoo hoo ha ha ha hoo hoo (scary laughter).

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  4. This humored me without a doubt! Nice to be following you and thanks for coming by.

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    1. Thank you for following me. I just started this blog 90 days ago and I'm having a blast.

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  5. Replies
    1. You are too kind.

      Thank you for allowing me to share.

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  6. Thank God I never got bit by one of those little guys when I lived there. BTW, since you are a Commodore now, will you do something about the hornet problem? They really lit into my husband this year. Like the Army Ants, they refused to die. I am also wondering about poison ivy. Can we add that to the mix. LOL. As always, enjoyable read, Agent 54.

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    1. Hornets? Sounds like an opportunity to become and "Ace". I have to see what I can do about that.

      Thanks again.

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  7. Can you do the same thing to the Argentine ants that are destroying the plants in my yard? I'll do my Eva Peron imitation and sing "Dont Cry for Me, Argentina?" What if I promise not to sing? ;)

    Thanks for sharing with us on #FridayFrivolity.

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  8. Commodore, I have some pesky ants that sure can use your type of lesson. I could try to do it myself but you seem so good at it (and seem to enjoy it too) that I think I should commission you for the job. :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for the confidence in my abilities. Have your people call my people.

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