Sunday, August 25, 2013
Things I Might Say
Agent 54 here again. This Silly Sunday thing seems to be working out nicely. You get to know me better and I get to talk about my favorite subject,,, me. So, if you are ever fortunate enough to meet me by chance somewhere, these are some of the things I might say to you depending on the weather or my mood or if you have an interesting appearance or animal with you.
“What a great day for dogs!” I catch dog walkers all the time with this one. Sometimes they respond “every day is a great day for dogs” and I reply “yes it is”, then I size up your dog and say something like “2 hours at 350 degrees, feeds 4?” Usually I get a laugh but, not always. I come back with “I’m just kidding, I wouldn’t eat your dog, a stray dog maybe but, not your dog”. Most of the time that’s all the person can take and they hurry away.
Cat people get “I love cats with barbecue sauce, served with beans and guacamole. “I’m just kidding, I wouldn’t eat your cat (dog, penguin etc..) a stray cat (dog, penguin etc..) maybe but, not your cat (dog, penguin etc..)”. For some reason cat people find this funnier than dog people. Maybe they can tell that I really do like cats.
You say “hi, how are you?” and I respond with “I’m awesome but, it can be hard for people to tell just by looking at me”. This one confuses the hell out of people. I sometimes give them a break (yeah right) by asking them “do you know why I’m awesome”? Most snap back to reality and say “why?” They have no idea how big of a can of worms they just opened. I tell them “because I’m a great skater”. They say “ice skater?” and I say “Ice Hockey. When I used to skate into people they would fall down and when they would skate into me they would fall down. It was a lot of fun” That was really true. I used to knock people down and laugh at them. Try it, you’ll like it. (Do not attempt this anywhere).
If you are a waiter/waitress and you attempt to take my order I may ask for a Bucket of Chicken all beaks and feet. That’s not really what I want and it’s really hard to find anyone who actually serves that. So far I haven’t gotten stuck eating it. Hey! Maybe someday. Maybe I’ll like it.
If you are a waiter/waitress and you attempt to take my order I may ask for Muskrat Parmesan. The more experienced waitresses at the old dinners back east have heard this one before. The truckers do this one all the time. The first time I did this in front of my wife to be, she gasped. The waitress didn’t even react and I played along. She brought me Chicken Parmesan as I knew she would (I’m pretty sure it was chicken).
After dinner (breakfast, lunch, cigar etc…) I will say “that was the best dinner (breakfast, lunch, cigar etc…) I had all day.” People ask how many dinners (breakfast, lunch, cigar etc…) did you have today? Again they opened a can of worms that could go anywhere.
I sometimes answer the phone in Spanish. “?Hola, como se llama?” Usually the telemarketers just hang up.
If you ever ask me (and people have asked) “What the hell is wrong with you?” I will reply “What, do you want me to make a list?”. That usually shuts them up.
Fair warning to all: Any conversation with me could result in numerous Ice Hockey stories being told. Man, I had a great time playing Hockey.