Monday, August 5, 2013

When Garden Hoses Attack!

Are you afraid of garden hoses?  Well, you will be.  You will be.

  What you don’t know about garden hoses could fill volumes.  Did you know that there is a Garden Hose blog?  Garden Hose Trivia Quiz  I examined the “trivia-quiz” at this site with a wary eye.   It was full of fun facts like to get a garden hose to put out double the volume of water of a ½ inch hose you use a ¾ inch hose and not a 1 inch hose.  See, you thought you knew it all about garden hoses but, know ye, there are many more dark hose secrets.

  Of course everyone knows that the first Garden Hose was invented in 1652 in Amsterdam by Jan Van der Heiden but, do we really know why?  Think about it.  Since the invention of the Garden Hose most Earthlings have gotten used to the idea of growing some of their own lawns, flowers, herbs,  and vegetables.  Gardening has become an ever-expanding worldwide phenomenon. 

  Most of us have tasted the water out of a Garden Hose.  We have all noted that the taste is not too good.  Why?  Because some molecules of the material used to make the hose have contaminated that water.  Though the volume of those particles may seem small, humans are still able to detect them even without any special training.  Those molecules that cause that taste are large enough to carry their own DNA. 

  Recently I have seen Television (the great human hypnotizer) ads for the FlexAbleHose & the PocketHose.  I immediately recognized these ingeniously devious devices for what they really are.  I watched in horror as the coils of green FlexAbleHose & the PocketHose expanded like the intestines of the space aliens that designed them.  You see the space aliens intestines must be able to expand like that so they can gorge themselves before long space flights.  Even in hyper sleep, a body burns calories and the extra-terrestrial wonderers know they must load up like an elephant before starting their journeys.  The expandable hose is quite a convenient and sensible product for the humans.  This begs the question, why design and sell to the people of earth such a product?

  If you were planning on taking over an alien planet, you would want to have certain things in place before the natural inhabitants became aware of your plans.  Having those inhabitants enact your preparation plans is sheer otherworldly genius.  What space age materials are the FlexAbleHose & the PocketHose made of you ask?  Materials embedded with alien DNA is the answer. 

  So, as we water our lawns and Gardens we are spreading alien DNA which is slowly altering our plant life, creating sources of food and fuel that are better suited for the technology and biology of the alien invaders.  We are turning Earth into a home field advantage for the visiting team.

  As we consume our own garden products we are also slowly altering our own DNA.  The alien invaders want us to be dumber and more docile when they come.  The evidence of their success is in the past two American Presidential elections where the majority of DNA altered “sheeple” elected their worst possible choice for their “leader”.  This “leader” has started the planetary decline that is a  huge part of the space alien invasion plan.  A weakened Earth will not be able stand up against the alien onslaught.

  When is the invasion coming?  What can we do?  Will heroes like Luke Skywalker, Hans Solo and Buzz Lightyear emerge to save us?  I don’t have the answers.  I wish I did.  All I can say is choose your Gardening Supplies wisely and may the force be with you.

The Sasquatch Files

12 comments:

  1. And here all the time I thought it was our bloated government trying to dumb us down. And it's aliens instead. Wait, I still think they are all in Washington D.C.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They have combined forces against us. Its an intergalactic conspiracy! Where's Geraldo when you need him?

      Thanks for playing.

      Delete
  2. Your words IMMEDIATELY brought me back to childhood summers! Turning on the hose, waiting for the water to come out and drinking that hot, plastic dirt metal taste... you are so thirsty you don't care it is hot. Then the cool finally comes and AHHHHHH! I actually LIKED that taste! But of course, look at me now - it obviously did damage!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh but they want us to like it. You must resist. It's not too late. At least I hope it's not too late. Well, it could be too late. I dunno if it's too late. I gotta go its getting late.

      Delete
  3. I think the aliens have already taken over here in NYC. Weiner and Spitzer just HAVE to be of an alien race. Once they are in office we are doomed.

    Also, other than the third eyeball and small tail drinking out of the garden hose as a kid did not affect me that much.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh yes, the big cities is where they'll start and then spred like marmalade. I like that word marmalade. I actually ate some marmalade in a fancy hotel once.

    Oh yeah, the alien threat, we must all be vigilant.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I did notice mine spitting at me recently. Hmmm... I shall take an ax to it immediately. Thanks for the warning.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Remember, wear your safety glasses when using the ax.

      Please dispose of the dead hose properly. I recommend a using a plastic bag and then throwing the bag down an old salt mine.

      Delete
  6. This is no laughing matter...but lolololol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ho ho ho, you are correct. Thanks for playing.

      Delete
  7. LOL...thanks so much for sharing with us at Share The Wealth Sunday! I'll watch out for those hoses!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for allowing me to share my silly stories.

      Delete