Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Agent 54 here again. You know, my NSA only spies on Americans for their own good and our own amusement. We're all on the same team here. You should Trust us! Let’s listen in on my friend Dr. Goldbloops, as he conducts a group session for the wives of sports team mascots.
Dr. Goldbloops: Hello everyone. Welcome to this group session. Some of you know each other and some are new so I would like everyone to introduce themselves when they want to share with the group. Who would like to share first?
Everyone looks at someone else.
Dr. Goldbloops: Mamma Bear, you’ve been here before why don’t you start?
Mamma Bear: No.
Dr. Goldbloops: Please, just to get us started.
Mamma Bear: N-O-E, I said No, what part of no don’t you understand?
Dr. Goldbloops: Please, for me.
Mamma Bear: Boy, you getting on my last nerve. Oh, shut up. I’ll do it. Hey, I’m Mamma Bear of the Baylor Bears. My husband’s Pappa Bear and we got a 5 year-old cub named Baby Bear and I ain’t got nothing to share cuz things is goin great in the Bear’s den.
Dr. Goldbloops: Oh, that’s good news. Last time we talked you were having a problem with a blonde woman.
Mamma Bear: Yeah, Goldilocks but, that bitch ain’t never comin back. I ripped some of that yellow hair out her head and put it on the frige with a Baylor Bear team magnet.
Mrs. Badger gives Mamma Bear a high five.
Mrs. Badger: Damn strait! Bitch learnt about messing with people’s pourage.
Dr. Goldbloops: Well, you know I don’t condone violence as a solution to conflict.
Mamma Bear: Yeah, well don’t knock it till you tried it.
Mrs. Badger gives Mamma Bear an even higher five. Tell him Mamma!
Dr. Goldbloops: Let’s hear from somebody new now. Mrs. Spartan, would you like to share something?
Mrs. Spartan: Oh dear, well, I guess that’s why I’m here.
Dr. Goldbloops: Just relax, take a breath and tell us who you are and why you are here.
Mrs. Spartan: Okay, I’m Sue Spartan and my husband is Sparty Spartan of the Michigan State Spartans. I guess we had a fairytale romance. I think all of us here are attracted to the strong, silent type and Sparty is so handsome and looks so good in his uniform, it was love at first sight.
Mrs. Badger: Boooorrriinnggg! Get to the point, lady.
Dr. Goldbloops: Ladies please don’t do that. Let’s all listen politely please.
Mrs. Badger slumps in her seat and looks out the window.
Dr. Goldbloops: Mrs. Spartan, please continue.
Mrs. Spartan: Oh, well the trouble started soon after we were married. At first it was just rumors and then I noticed something, something stinky. I tried to ignore it the first time but, it happened again and again. Finally I said something to Sparty. He pointed to the car and opened the hood and pretended that was where the stink was coming from and he was fixing it.
Mrs. Badger: Yeah, I know where you comin from I heard them rumors too. Michigan State is the Fartin Spartans.
Mamma Bear: Oh lawdy, honey you got you a stinker.
The other ladies bust out laughing but, Dr. Goldbloops is not amused.
Dr. Goldbloops: Ladies please! Mrs. Spartan what happened when you finally confronted Sparty about this problem.
Mrs. Spartan: Well, it got worse and worse until he would cut one lose anywhere we were and laugh about it. He thinks it’s funny.
At this point the other ladies are having a hard time holding back the laughter.
Mrs. Spartan: I mean Dr. Goldbloops, we don’t even try go to church anymore.
The other ladies crack up again. Mrs. Spartan snaps at them.
Mrs. Spartan: It’s not funny ladies. Look, I keep a Yankee Candle in my handbag at all times (as she pulls the candle out of her bag) look, Apple Cinnamon.
The other women are now howling with laughter. Mrs. Badger has slid off her seat and is rolling on the floor.
Dr. Goldbloops: Okay Mrs. Fart-uh Mrs. Spartan, I want you to go to Walgreens and find an over the counter product called Bean-O and see if that works for Sparty. If he doesn’t want to take it, try grinding it up and mixing it in with his food. You can put some in the salt shaker too.
Dr. Goldbloops: (to the group) I think that’s enough for tonight ladies.
Mrs. Badger: (almost choking with laughter) Yeah Doc, that’s all I can take.
Agent 54 here again. Wasn’t that fun! See what great value you get for your tax dollars. I love my job.