Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Long Lost Mittens and Gloves

Agent 54 at the Ice Palace
  Many years ago, Agent 54 played Ice Hockey in Pennsylvania.  My neighborhood Ice Rink was called The Ice Palace and it was a run-down old barn that was built before the war (I don’t know which war).  The boards were rickety, the locker-rooms were small and smelled of stale beer and mold but, it had the old ammonia cooling system for the ice so it was the best place to skate in the area.  The Ice Palace had an old-time feel to it and the Hockey players loved it.

  One other peculiar was the huge mound (15 ft tall) of reddish brown dirt that covered the entire west end of the rink and blocked foot traffic around the rink.  I’m talking about inside the building, just past the West end boards.  To make it even weirder, the dirt had 3ft tall fake Christmas trees planted every 5 or six feet.  It just didn’t look right, even with the Christmas lights turned on. 

One of the years that I ran for Allentown City Council, something happened at the rink, I don’t remember what, that inspired me to write the following.  I gave a copy of it to Ric, the owner and he had it pinned up on his corkboard for years before he sold the old barn and they turned it into a banquet facility.  Ric and I thought this was funny:


To Whom It May Concern:

  Four score and seven years ago, I first skated at the Ice Palace.  When I saw the mountain of real dirt impregnated with plastic trees I was amazed by the beauty of it all.

    But in the seasons since then a terrible problem has drawn my attention.  Lost mittens and Gloves Many a child has absent-mindedly stuffed their mittens between the glass and the boards.  Many gloves are abandoned in the penalty box.


These mittens then find their way to the lost and found box in the locker room where sweaty and drunken Hockey players use them to warm their beer drinking hand.  Beer is spilled on them and then they are usually stuffed into the drunkest players equipment bag or winged off to the farthest corner of the locker room, where they develop a disgusting stench, which renders them useless to children.  Hockey players use the mittens for other disgusting purposes that decency will not permit me to elaborate on.

  The solution it seems is to sell the parents one skate lace to attach to the mittens.  The skate lace is then strung through the arms of the child’s jacket, causing the mittens to dangle when not in use.

  As of now, no government funding is available for the research needed to fight this problem.  If we all work together we can make Washington hear our voice.  Let’s end the abuse of Lost mittens and Gloves in our life time.  Thank you.


                                                                                    Not so Sincerely,
                                                                       
                                                                                    Timothy S. Hecht



42 comments:

  1. I cannot tell you how many pairs of mittens I had that were strung up my arm, around my neck and down the other... I hated them!!!! You brought back so many memories with this.

    I love how you describe the building.. .you can see it... feel it... what a wonderful post!

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    1. Thank you so much. You are very encouraging for me. I might just keep this kind of thing going for a while.

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  2. Tim, you were always funny and you are funny still! I was going to say more, but I forgot my Wordpress password and I've been fighting with the computer for ten minutes over it. My comments were going to be heartfelt and genuine, but I can't remember them anymore and now I'm tired. Consider yourself stroked, in a friendly and nonsexual way, of course.

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    1. I know what you mean. Thanks. BTW Wordpress has been messing with me when I try to comment too.

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  3. Bwahahahahahahahahaha. You know the idiots in Washington don't care about the important things, but I'd bet they would take this issue on.

    Have a terrific day. :)

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    1. Let's not tell them about this or they'll waste a buzzillion dollars on it. Thanks and have a great week.

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  4. Hi Tim! Just wanted to stop by and say thank you for dropping by my blog yesterday. Nice to meet ya!

    GREAT post! It reminded me of a time, about two years ago, when I went to Chestnut Hill for the day and spotted a tree close to Germantown Ave that had single gloves hanging from the branches. It looked like a tree of lost gloves. In fact, I took a picture of it because it was so colorful.

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    1. Cool. I'd like to see that pic. Thanks for visiting.

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  5. "Hockey players use the mittens for other disgusting purposes that decency will not permit me to elaborate on."

    Since you won't elaborate, I am forced to use my imagination here and it is not pretty! Oy! :)

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    1. You are probably accurate in your imagination. Let's leave it there. Thanks for playing.

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  6. No, don't give the government anything else to work on. They will turn it into a crisis that shuts down the government. Nothing stays simple any more.

    Before it comes to that, I will start a not-for-profit to find homes for lost and neglected gloves. It can work just like the Humane Society but without the gloves needing shots and worming.

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    1. There you go. I knew a brilliant woman would come up with great solution if I asked the right question. Thanks for playing.

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  7. Hockey players and lost mittens. Such debauchery. Who knew?

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    1. What goes on behind closed doors? Thanks.

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  8. I went to my mittens/glove drawer to count the pairs there. 14! What the hell? I live in Arizona, we don't need no stinking mittens. I believe an intervention is in order. (Sorry for the lost mittens, 1-800-Mittens, operators are standing by.)

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  9. Poor abandoned mittens. At least you didn't have to find a home for them or feed them or scoop the mittens' box. What a great story.

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    1. Thank you so much. I value your opinion of my writing.

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  10. Now I guess I know what happens to lost mittens.

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    1. Maybe you were better off not knowing. Thanks for visiting.

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  11. Hey Tim,

    I'm writing a story about some kids who used to play at the Ice Palace, way-back-when. They were called the Ice Palace Juniors. I'd really appreciate it if you emailed me, I'd love to talk to you. Thanks & Cheers... Griffin Scott (greatgriffinScott(at)Gmail)

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  12. I read your post Long Lost Mittens and Gloves. It is very interesting and informative post.


    Buy expedition bags

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    1. I'm glad you liked it. I wrote it a long time ago. I have a new job and I haven't written for a while. I hope to start again soon. Thank you.

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  13. Very cute (except for the very real memories of that stinky hockey equipment smell). I'm sitting here contemplating why they would have a pile of dirt (or was it manure from the barn days) sitting in a skate rink. Now I have something new to wonder about when I'm sitting in traffic. :)

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    1. I miss playing Hockey. I don't know about manure but, there was lots of Bullshit at the old rink. I miss that too.

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  14. xD Never will I view a lone lost glove / mitten in the same way again...

    Thanks for sharing over at #FridayFrivolity too.

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    1. What Hockey players do with lost mittens and gloves should be a crime.

      Thanks for playing.

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  15. We had an ice rink and a roller rink in the town where I grew up. Over the years people lost interest in that type of activity. The ice rink was torn down to make way for housing and the roller rink was turned into a karate dojo/daycare/afterschool place.

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    1. That's a shame. Thanks for joining the cause.

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  16. We have so many mismatched gloves and mittens in our house. Thank goodness no one drinks beer! Thanks for sharing with us at Creatively Crafty Link Party #CCBG http://tryit-likeit.com/link-party-it

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    1. Hockey players can be disgusting.

      Thanks for visiting.

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  17. Don't let Don Cherry hear you calling it 'Ice' hockey, he will chastise you harder than he does a European hockey player. (it's a Canadian thing). I've been in a few arena change rooms over the years, and they all share the same wonderful combination of sweat/stale beer aroma, broken sticks and discarded jocks. Loved the post!

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    1. Thanks for reading and commenting. I really miss playing. I miss the guys and I miss dominating a game.

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  18. Agent 54- I was thinking about this whole glove/mitten conundrum. Wouldn't safety pins work as well? NASA may be able to assist or if they cannot perhaps the FBI might be able to step in. There is more than one way to skin a cat. If this fails, there is always Columbo. He solved everything or Jessica Fletcher. Funny read!

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    1. Safety Pins. I didn't think of that. I don't believe skinned cats will help but, Safety Pins may work.

      Thanks for playing.

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  19. Four score and seven years ago, I first skated at the Ice Palace. When I saw the mountain of real dirt impregnated with plastic trees I was amazed by the beauty of it all.

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    1. Oh, so you have been there too?

      Thanks for playing.

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  20. Hi,
    Thanks for coming to the Blogger's Pit Stop last week.
    Janice, Pit Stop Crew

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    1. Thank you again for allowing me to share.

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