Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Snyderman – A Halloween Tale

  Keystone Lighting was an old, dark, dirty, dank and dangerous place to work.  Though it appeared to be all one building, it was really a series of buildings that just had makeshift roofs built between individual buildings many years ago.  The roofs had large holes and leaked constantly.  The brick walls were crumbling and the floors were bumpy and uneven.  There were many dark corners where something or someone could hide and then spring out to ambush an unsuspecting worker.  Located in Bristol, Bucks County, PA it was also rumored to be haunted.

  I worked in the Press department where there lurked a creepy old man with a club foot named Frank Snyder.  He waddled like Batman’s nemeses The Penguin when he walked about the shop and he could always be heard saying in a W.C. Fields type voice “I been here 20 years, I seen em come and I seen em go”.  I don’t know what his real job was.   Frank was always annoying the other press operators by sticking his nose in everyone’s business and turning up the speed on the presses until the machines broke down.

  I was taught this little song sung to the tune of “Spiderman” in my first week in the Press department:

Snyderman Snyderman
Turns the press up as fast as he can
Jam it up, every time
He ain’t worth a stinkin dime
Look out! Here comes the Snyderman

Is he dumb
I suppose
If brains were Dynamite
he couldn't blow his nose
Look out! Here comes the Snyderman


  At first I didn’t have a problem working with creepy old Snyderman.  I’ve worked with all kinds of creeps before.  Then came the rainy shift that the foreman called out sick on and some fool put Snyder in charge.  Whoever made that decision could not have done worse.   The trouble started when I hurt my back reaching for something with the rake which is a regular part of my job.  As standard manufacturing practice goes, we were required to report any injury or accident immediately to the foreman.  I went to the office and told Snyder exactly what happened.  We were working the 3:30 to Midnight shift so, I told Snyder that I could finish out the shift but, I had to see a the company doctor the next day which again is standard procedure.   The next day, after visiting the company doctor, I was told by the foreman that I would have to pay for the visit because I failed to report the workplace injury.  Snyder was in the room when this happened and he denied that I had ever reported the incident.  I was furious!  Not only did I have to pay for the doctor’s visit but, this was a negative mark on my work record.  When I angrily questioned Snyder why he did this to me, he said “I don’t answer to you”  which only enraged me more.

  For days I stewed with back pain about the incident but, no matter how much I schemed, It always came out the same in the end.  Reality was that if I attempted any type of retaliation against the ugly old cripple, it would backfire on me 10 fold.  I would get fired and I would be criminally charged for sure.  The judge would look at Snyder the old cripple and me the young former Marine and Hockey player and he or she would throw the book at me.  I had no choice in reality.  I could do nothing.

  In fantasy however, well that’s a different story.  I thought of many ways to get even with Snyderman but, finally it came down to the simplest.  While operating the 12 ton press late on a dark night I would plug the safety light catch with a piece of scrap and then call old Frank over to take a look at a fake problem.  Once he bent over and put his head down to take a look, boom! I would kick him in the ass as hard as I could so his head would get wedged in the 12 ton press and then I would push the start button.  In less than a second his head would be squashed like a grape by a sledgehammer.  Brains and blood would spurt out all over the Press department and I would laugh.

  Hoo hoo, haa haa, hoo hoo I would laugh until I cried and bent over with stomach cramps.   But, as I rise, through watery eyes I see something waddling towards me.  No, no it can’t be.  I wipe my eyes and find myself backed up against two giant coils of steel and the chain-link fence of tool crib.  It’s still coming.  This hideous mess of what used to be Snyderman was waddling, headless, ever closer.  Wait a minute!  This is my fantasy.  All I have to do is close my eyes for a couple of seconds and it would be gone.  1 second, 2 seconds, then open and Ahh! It’s right on me!  Somebody Hel………

Happy Halloween


40 comments:

  1. Great story plus I loved the song tribute, I'll be humming that tune all day.

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    1. I have a second verse that I might be convinced to reveal if someone asked. Thanks for visiting.

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    2. I'm asking.....pretty please?

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  2. Sometimes it's best being ahead. Not this time though. Spooky story 54.

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    1. I'm glad you thought it was spooky. Keystone Lighting was a spooky place to work on second shift. Thanks.

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  3. Bwahahahahahahahaha. I loved this.

    Have a terrific day. ☺

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  4. Are you Stephen King, great story

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  5. Ooh, ahh. This is very, very gooey, er, good!

    I hope something gets on Snyder in the end, literally.

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    1. Poor Snyderman. If he's still alive he's probably 90 years old and still an asshole.

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  6. Great story. I think we have all had a boss in the past that we wanted to do that to. Except he would not be coming back from the dead!

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  7. Look out for the Snyderman. He gets what he deserves.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2013/10/gbe2s-three-story-challenge.html

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    1. Actually, I never did do anything to Snyderman but, I'm sure he lived out his life as a life-long asshole.

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  8. Hey -- I just worked with this guy. Only he gained about 300 pounds and was an ad rep. And you're right -- he can't be killed!

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    1. Better you than me pal. I advise you to wear a helmet and flack jacket in his presence. He will stab you in the back if he gets the chance.

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  9. "If brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his nose." Lmao
    Not sure if you're dead Agent 54, but if not, maybe next tine you can call upon your friends at the NSA to exterminate the subject without anyone knowing it was you.

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    1. I have made some "important" connections in the DORD. Thanks.

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  10. Oh, I've met some Snydermen, having worked in printing for years. My father was a press feeder (no, he did NOT have all of his fingers if you're wondering.) So many characters, so many stories, but this story and song are great! I mean, not what happened to you of course. I was written up for following a lame, old SOP. Boss literally said "I don't know what went wrong, but it came back so it wasn't right." Grrrrr!

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    1. Now, Snyderman's Press department was for making lighting out of steel.

      I also worked at Moore Business forms years later in the Printing Press department and then the Plateroom. I wrote something funny about Shirley Whistlebottom that I'm going to post on Sunday I think.

      Please come back early and often and thank you for visiting.

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  11. Sorry I've had bosses like this. It's easy to tell yourself not to let it bother you, but when they are always out to get you, it's impossible!

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    1. Yes, these are the things we have to deal with to earn a living.

      Thanks for playing.

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  12. Eeeeeeeee super creepy hahaha. Thank you for sharing at #FridayFrivolity!

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    1. Thank you for allowing me to share my stories.

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  13. Thanks a bunch for getting the Spiderman song stuck in my head ;) But that was just great. Thanks for joining us at #FridayFrivolity this week!

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    1. Sorry.

      Thanks for allowing me to share.

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  14. Hi, Just to let you know that I loved your story and you have a feature at my blog Pelhuaz by Red. You can take a look here. http://pelhuazbyred.com/handmade-favorites-by-pelhuaz-by-red-week-5/ I tried to look for you on FB, but nothing came up by Agent 54. Just to let you know! Hope this send lots of traffic your way!

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  15. Hi Agent 54,
    Looks like your smoking pumpkin is a hit!
    Thanks for sharing your post at Blogger's Pit Stop last week.
    Janice, Pit Stop Crew

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  16. Love this - especially the Snyderman song! Sounds like he'd totally deserve a little accident... :) #FridayFrivolity

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    1. I wonder who or where Snyderman is haunting today?

      Thanks for playing.

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  17. I think we have all had fantasies like this about co-workers. Or are you and I just ticking time-bombs? hmmmmm.

    Thanks for partying with us every week on #FridayFrivolity. I always love to see what you bring to the party.

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    1. I appreciate being able to share with you.

      PS: I love my current coworkers and bosses.

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  18. Very funny!Thanks for linking up at #FridayFrivolity!

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