Bobbers! Bobbers are not balls.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Agent 54 here again. Some people might say that I have been blessed with a lot of balls. Those people would be right.
In fact, I collect balls. What kind of balls you ask? Many different and diverse kinds of balls. From small red rubber balls to bowling balls, I find, clean and care for my balls.
I have a pretzel jar where I keep my small, colorful bouncy balls. These are my favorites. I find them when I’m out treasure hunting with my metal detector. No silly, the metal detector does not detect balls unless they are brass or steel, iron, copper, silver or gold. No, I find these small bouncy balls by being observant and watching where I’m going. I have become a bouncy ball snob as it were. If the balls are discolored or cracked or have, heaven forbid, pieces missing, I throw them into the trash. Balls that pass my initial inspection get washed in anti-bacterial soap and then further cleaned and shined with Avon’s Skin So Soft. This makes my balls smell nice and they feel soft and smooth to the touch and of course, Skin So Soft is great for my hands too.
I often find Baseballs and Tennis balls but I don’t keep them long. I sell some of my balls at the Play-it-Again Sports shop. I take a large bag of balls into the store and the shopkeeper inspects them. He gives me $.50 for the baseballs and $.10 for the tennis or as I call them, the dog balls. (I call the tennis balls, dog balls because that is what they sell them for. Dogs love my balls.)
Some would say that my obsession with collecting balls is NUTZ! They might say that I’m losing my marbles but, they would be way off base. I actually find the marbles that everyone else is losing. I clean and shine them the same way I do with my balls and keep them in a small glass jar that once held a Yankee Candle. If they want to challenge my sanity, ha!, let them. I’ll just look at my jar of their marbles on my coffee table and I’ll know who the sane one is.
Bobbers! Bobbers are not balls.
Footballs! I love footballs and I love watching football. I used to love to play football and I have the scars to prove it. I find Footballs in the park behind my apartment. Usually I find them in the lake. People love to play football in the park but, every now and then they throw the ball into the lake and then eventually it floats down to my end of the lake and it becomes part of my collection. Again, the Skin So Soft treatment makes them feel nice as I hold onto one of my footballs while watching a game.
I have many other kinds of balls, many Golf balls, Soccer balls, Basketballs etc… in my collection. I don’t think my fascination with balls is any more nutz than anyone else’s fascination with Ghosts, Space Aliens, Bigfoots, Fruit Flies or Politics. I hope you don’t think I’m a Nuttball. Thank you for allowing me to show and share my balls with you.
Remember, every January, I’m wishing you a Happy New Year as we all watch the sparkling ball of lights drop in Times Square.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Do you even know who runs this planet?
Ha! I scoff at you when you say “Humans” run planet Earth. Which humans I reply? The Muslims, Christians, Jews or the Americans, Chinese, Russians or the Free Mason’s, Democrats, Republicans or Blacks, Whites or Asians? Ha! humans are so divided, inept, incompetent and egotistical that even though they may have dominated the planet long ago they have allowed another species to take over without even noticing it.
Cats dominate Planet Earth today. This fact is easy to see if you look for it. Here’s a fine example. This ordinary Cat has telepathically instructed its human to construct not just one for the human but a set, for both of them, of tinfoil hats. What is the purpose of tinfoil hats, you ask? To make the wearer look silly. This Cat was so confident in its total control of its human that it made the human do this and then, through the power of telepathic suggestion made the "owner" take a picture of the two of them and post it on the internet for all the world to see. This is the Cat’s total domination of the human who thinks his species is in control.
Why do human women love to buy shoes? Does anyone really need 57 pairs of shoes? No, of course not. Why then? I’ll tell you why. For generations now Cats have been sending subliminal messages and using telepathy to convince women to buy new shoes simply because the Cats enjoy playing in and sleeping in the shoe boxes. Oh yes! You know it’s true. A Cat will chew on an old pair of shoes just to make it’s human woman go buy a new pair so the Cat can have a new box. How diabolical! Just think if the woman’s husband tried this.
Cats don’t just dominate individuals. The Feline influence is everywhere including some of our biggest and richest organizations like the National Football League.
Of course the Cats had us name two of the old NFL teams the Lions and the Bengals but, after some time, that wasn’t enough for them. We now have two new teams, not surprisingly to me, named the Jaguars and the Panthers. Even that is not enough for the Cats. I went to an NFL game and saw a the Lions play the Panthers in the Jaguar’s stadium. There was a “Cougar” in the stands wearing Leopard skin while the teams ran the Wildcat formation. That’s Domination.
Of course it wasn’t always this way. Long ago big Cats were domesticated and bred to be barnyard animals. Their job was to keep the rodent population under control and they did this very efficiently. A little too efficiently because when the job was done, the Cats were left with free time. Free time to plot and plan. Though the Ancient Egyptians worshiped the Cats, it was during the Black Plague that the Cats really seized their opportunity to dominate the whole world. When it was learned that the Plague was spread by rodents, Cats were brought from the farms into the cities to do the job they had already perfected. Once in the cities it was just a matter of playing up the “cute and cuddly” role and they were in like Flynn. Let the Domination begin.
Do Cats dominate human Governments you inquire? Seriously, do you need to ask? Right now the Environment Protection Agency (EPA) is checking the Mercury content of Tuna fish and sampling pasteurized milk just to ensure a safe and tasty food supply for Cats. You may think you are voting for the candidate with the best hair or the cutest guy but, the Cats have telepathically brainwashed you to vote for the one who will vote to increase government funding for flea collars. That’s Political Domination.
All you Cat “owners” out there, ask yourself, who really owns who? The Cat may find a mouse once in while or eat a spider now and then but, what else do they really do for you. If a burglar comes into the house, the Cat is just as likely to snuggle up to them as you, if the Cat thinks the burglar may feed it. You buy the Cat food, medicine, toys, scratching posts and you spend your valuable time stroking the Cat and telling it how wonderful it is and yet, if you dropped dead on the floor, how long would it be until the Cat decided to eat your body? Who really is at the top of the food chain in your house? Digestive Domination.
Yes, many “Cat owners” think they love their Cats and the Cats love them. I don’t doubt the humans love the Cats. The human will take a Cat that was purchased for $20.00 as a kitten to the Veterinarian and spend $80.00 on medicines and vaccinations for the Kitty flu. The human will care for and provide a life of leisure and luxury for the Cat until it is old and feeble and then at the end of the Cat’s life, the human will humanly, put the Cat down to ease its suffering. Remember humans, this same Cat will crap behind your couch and not even tell you about it, if you forget to provide access to a litter box. When you do discover the Cat “present”, the Cat will look at you like it is your fault and you know what,,,it is your fault! Domestic Domination.
Oh yes, Cats have woven their way into all areas of human existence. Who here hasn’t eaten a Kit-Cat bar or gone to see a ball game involving the Tigers or Lions or Wildcats etc…? Who hasn’t seen Alice and the Cheshire Cat or Batman and Catwoman on TV? Who hasn’t wanted to sail away on a Catamaran or caused a Catastrophe? Who here hasn’t fired a Catapult or looked at the sears Catalog? You know we all have. Subconscious Domination.
Nothing lasts forever. When will the Feline domination of planet Earth end? I don’t know but, I believe I know who the next challenger for Global Domination is and you should be able to figure this one out too. That’s right, it’s The Penguins! Think about it. Why are Penguins black and white when they’re environment is all white? They may as well be wearing a sign that says “Eat Me”. No, they are black and white to look like they are wearing tuxedos. Humans say, “oh aren’t they cute, they’re wearing tuxedos
I don’t know if the Penguins will be successful in their quest for World Domination. Myself, I’m immune to their charm. To me the just look like something tasty to put on the grill. There is no doubt though, about the success of the Cats in their quest to Dominate the Internet. There are more Blogs, Blog Hops, Caturdays and Google plus groups for Cats than any other subject. At any moment you can find new and even cuter pictures and videos of Cats on the web. What you are unaware of is the subliminal messages that the Cats are bombarding you with while you watch their “innocent little adventures”. They could convince you that you “look good” in Leopard skin and you wouldn’t even know it. Communication Domination.
Remember this warning and take notice the next time you watch an MGM movie and see the Lion roar in the opening credits. Try to resist when you watch those cute Cat videos that everyone posts to Facebook. If you have to, wear a tinfoil hat when you surf the web. Because in the end, it may only be human awareness that has any real chance to reverse the World Domination by Cats.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Blitzed Wolfer: This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN. Today we’re at the San Diego Zoo talking to Big Game hunter Bungalow Bill. How are you Bill?
Bungalow Bill: Quite well thank you.
Blitzed: I’m not sure that everyone knows that you have changed your ways and that you no longer shoot animals dead. Can you tell us how you hunt now?
Bill: Surely. Well I often use a tranquilizer dart gun or a camera to “shoot” my prey. I help with the conservation movement by “tagging” lots of animals so they can be tracked by the people studying the migration of the different species.
Blitzed: That is a noble endeavor but, you recently tried a different method that didn’t quite work out so well, didn’t you?
Bill: Quite right. Well, I have read about this “Knockout game” where young hooligans roam the streets in packs and try to pick out an unsuspecting victim, often women and children, to punch in the face and “knockout”.
Blitzed: Yes, that is a terrible true story. The “Knockout game” is a crime that is spreading around the United States.
Bill: Indeed, and it doesn’t seem very sporting to me. So, I decided to try it with wild animals. Of course, wild animals are always on the lookout and therefore much harder to sneak up on. Also, I believe it would be much harder to “knockout” a large animal.
Blitzed: That seems like it would be extremely dangerous, bordering on stupid.
Bill: Absolutely! However that is what makes it such a thrill. Of course, with my vast experience in the wild, I wasn’t worried. I staked out a large untamed part of the Pacific Northwest and began my hunt. I tried stalking prey for a couple of days but, that wasn’t working so, I climbed a tree and made a tree stand and waited for my victim to approach.
Blitzed: That seems a bit foolish, Bill. How are you going to punch a wild animal in the face from a tree?
Bill: I would have to rely on my cat-like agility and the element of surprise.
Blitzed: That still seems kinda dumb.
Bill: I admit it wasn’t the smartest thing I’d ever attempted.
Blitzed: Yeah, it’s like something you’d see on the TV show “Jackass”.
Bill: Now listen here. I don’t have to take these insults. I can go home,,,
Blitzed: (interrupting) I apologize please continue with your story.
Bill: Well, there I was in the tree when a large animal walked directly underneath me.
Blitzed: So your strategy was a success!
Bill: Uh, not quite. Attempting to swing a mighty blow from the tree, I slipped and fell from the tree onto the huge shoulders of the animal.
Blitzed: I saw that coming a mile away.
Bill: Do you mind?
Blitzed: I’m sorry, please continue. What happened next?
Bill: There was a couple of seconds of brilliant white light and then I found myself in a strange room, still on the shoulders of the huge hairy animal. There was what appeared to be a console on one side of the room with another large hairy animal behind it apparently working the controls.
Blitzed: Oh my, you must have been scared to death.
Bill: Indeed. Then the animal behind the console spoke. “Hey Duane, who’s your friend?” he said. The animal I was on took me off and set me down on the floor like I was a toy soldier. He said “I don’t know but, I’d like to punt him right off this ship.” “He must have hit my GPS by accident and beamed us both back here”.
Blitzed: At this point you must have realized that you were not in Kansas anymore.
Blitzed: Nevermind, please tell us more.
Bill: At this point I was beginning to think something was drastically wrong.
Blitzed: (under his breath) Duh!
Bill: I spoke to my attempted prey. “Duane, would you be so kind as to tell me where I am and what you are?”. Duane said “You’re not the sharpest tack in the box are you?” “I don’t want to tell you too much for your own good”. “Now, do you have a camera, phone or other communication device?” “I have to take those from you”. At this point I realized I was a captive of Duane. Since Duane was huge, hairy and smelly but, relatively relaxed I decided not to resist at this time.
Blitzed: Good choice.
Bill: Quite! Duane took my electronic devices and bound my hands behind me with a plastic zip tie. I asked him where he got the zip tie and he said “they were invented on his planet and that the only reason earth had them is because years ago one of his people dropped one and we found it”.
Blitzed: These “animals” must be hundreds or thousands of years ahead of us in their technology.
Bill: It would appear so. Where was I? Oh, I know. Duane lead me to the M.E.L. (Milky way Explorer’s League) office where after they removed the zip tie, I was interrogated for two hours by another large, hairy and smelly animal.
Blitzed: Did you at any point, believe you were going to be,,,you know,,,probed.
Bill: Heaven’s no! These people may be animals but, they’re not Barbarians. In fact half way through the interrogation I asked for something to drink and they offered me tea. I seems the whole galaxy enjoys tea. They all know of Great Britain’s tea industry and say that tea is England’s biggest gift to the Universe. I had a perfect cup of Earl Grey.
Blitzed: So, you were starting to feel at ease with your captures. However, you must have been looking for a chance to escape?
Bill: Always, however none had appeared to me at that time. I was lead from the interrogation room to a large, comfortable waiting room with leather recliners and huge TV screens. My interrogator, Bob said “The restroom is over there”. “I’m going to put the viewer on Earth scenes and you won’t be able to change it”. “I’ll come back when we’ve decided what to do with you.”
Blitzed: I would have gone crazy waiting for alien beings to decide my fate.
Bill: I checked the door a minute after Bob left. Locked! Darn! Then I sat in the recliner and watched the lovely scenes of waterfalls, lakes and mountains from earth that changed every 10 seconds or so. I must have dosed off as Bob woke me with a little shake of my shoulder. He said “C’mon were sending you home”. “You want to go home don’t you?”
Blitzed: Oh my God, what a relief that must have been.
Bill: Indeed, I jumped up and said “let’s go” and with that I was lead back to the “beaming room” where Tommy the huge, hairy and smelly console operator was still “manning” the console.
Blitzed: So, at that point you knew you were going home. Did you try to maybe, I dunno, take something to authenticate your story?
Bill: Of course I thought of that. Bob had some words of advice for me before they sent me back. Bob said “Look Bill, this “Knockout game” is dumb”. “You’re just going to hurt yourself or someone else and there’s really no point to it so, knock it off”. “Now we went through your computer files and found that on Earth you are a big enough bullshitter that nobody will believe you if you tell them what happened today”. “We at M.E.L. recommend that you don’t tell anybody”. “If you tell them down there they may just lock you up permanently”. “We’re going to keep your devices”. “One last thing, try to have a little more respect for other living things, okay?” “Alright, goodbye”. With that they beamed me to the spot under the tree that I had fallen from.
Blitzed: Were you hurt or marked in anyway?
Bill: Not at all. I feel quite spry.
Blitzed: So what evidence did you bring back to prove your story is true?
Blitzed: Uh, that’s not really evidence. Did you bring something back or not?
Bill: Oh, I most definitely did, and here it is.
Bill pulls out of his shirt pocket a used Earl Grey tea bag.
Blitzed: Uh, It’s a tea bag.
Bill: An Earl Grey tea bag from an alien space ship.
Blitzed: Uh, it looks like a tea bag from your apartment. How do we know it’s from a spaceship?
Bill: Well, because I told you that Bob got it for me on the ship. Now wait, you don’t think I would make all this up and then walk around with a used tea bag to claim as evidence just for some attention,,,do you?
Blitzed: This is Blitzed Wolfer for the Cable Ass Network with Big,,,uh,,, Big Bullshitter Bungalow Bill saying be nice to other living beings.
Bill: Hold on there! I resent that. This tea bag is real. Don’t look at me like that!
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Agent 54 here again. Most days working for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) which is under the Department of Redundancy Department (DORD) are routine. You listen to people calling Radio Shack about wires, batteries and alarm clocks or pressure cookers and stuff and then you write reports. Sometime you get an exciting call or video but, usually not.
A lot of people work here. I have a few friends here but, I haven’t met most of the people. I’m not the only semi-famous person here. I think people like to work here because like me, they’re curious and amused by what real people are talking about. Some blew their fortunes and are here for the money while others couldn’t find anything else. I guess it’s like anywhere else.
My cubicle is near the hallway to the bathrooms and the cafeteria. People pass by all the time and I try to ignore them. Last week, late in the day, Inspector Gadget stopped bye. He's a former small town detective who thinks he works for the NSA Internal Affairs Department. The NSA doesn't even have an Internal Affairs Department but, don't try to tell him that.
Agent 54 (weirded out) Uh, no. Was I supposed to?
Inspector Gadget: Of course. As an NSA Agent we must be alert and vigilante at all times. So, you didn’t see the very Un-American Graffiti in stall number 2?
Agent 54: Oh yeah, it said “Flush twice, it’s a long way to Washington D.C. 20500.”
Inspector Gadget: Ah ha! And exactly what did you think about that?
Agent 54 (still weirded out) Uh, I thought it was strange to include the zip code.
Inspector Gadget: Did you think about who might have done this?
Agent 54 (still weirded out) Not at all.
Inspector Gadget: Nevermind. I’ll find the culprit. Meanwhile, get a small bucket, some pine oil and a sponge and get rid of the offensive remark.
Agent 54 (still weirded out) Uh, okay.
I don’t know why I take orders from Gadget. He’s an Agent the same as me. I also don’t know why he took offense to the graffiti. I thought it was funny, well, mildly amusing anyway.
In the Men’s room I’m about to enter stall number 2 when my friend, Billy Idol burst in with a bucket, pine oil and no sponge.
Agent 54: Hey Billy. Gadget come to see you too?
Billy: I don’t know why I take orders from that wanker.
Next, John Rambo comes in with a bucket, pine oil and a sponge. Rambo is another friend of mine. He's a former Army boxer with a dry sense of humor.
Agent 54: Rambo, you here to clean the graffiti too?
Rambo: Yeah, Gadget sent me.
Agent 54: Okay guys, just let me get it and I’ll see you at my cubicle. I think we have to find out what is really up with Gadget.
After I got rid of the “offensive remark” and put the cleaning stuff away I plop in my chair. Rambo and Billy are waiting for me.
Rambo: I got a waiver. My buddy, Col Trautman has friends in high places. They said as long as nobody complains,,,
Billy: The way I seen the chickies checkin you out, they ain’t gonna complain. Some of the blokes too.
We all chuckle at that.
Inspector Gadget appears at the front of the large office space that has mine and about 100 other cubicles in it. He addresses the room.
Inspector Gadget: Attention everyone, attention. I have an important matter to discuss.
About 97 heads pop up from the cubicles, including my Supervisor, Agent 86 (Max).
Inspector Gadget: I recently discovered a disturbing case of vandalism here in our building. In the Men’s room in stall number 2, someone placed a very Un-American bit of graffiti on the wall. (pointing at me and the boys) Boys, tell everyone what it said.
Rambo, Billy and I look at each other for a few seconds before I feel compelled to speak.
Agent 54: Uh, it said “Flush twice it’s a long way to Washington 20500.”
Half the room chuckles while the other half is really weirded out.
Inspector Gadget: That’s right! Now, using the investigative skills I learned during many training seminars with the CIA, CSI, TSA, FBI, NSA and the DORD, I have discovered exactly who the perpetrator of this offense is,,, haven’t I MR. Joker!
The Joker’s head pops up from a cubicle in the back of the room.
Joker: Hee, hee, haa, haa, hoo, (psychotic evil laughter) That’s right copper and you’ll never take me alive!
With that he leaps to the nearest window, turns the latch, opens it outward and jumps out.
After a second of stunned silence.
Agent 54: Nice move. That guy is like a gazelle.
Billy: Yeah, I didn’t know he worked here. I thought he was locked up. Didn’t he get 3 to 5?
Rambo: He did. You know that move would have taken courage if this wasn’t a one story building.
Everyone can clearly see the Joker running across the 200 yards of grass between our building and the parking lot where the purple and green Joker mobile is parked. Bob, the Joker’s top henchman waits outside the car. Max goes to the window and calls out to the Joker.
Max: So Joker, it’s 4:51 right now. I’ll clock you out at 4:45 and you can make up the 15 minutes tomorrow if you want.
The Joker stops in his tracks, turns toward us and gives us another burst of psychotic evil laughter. Then he turns and bolts for the getaway car.
Max: Right! Max closes the window and turns to us.
Max: Okay everybody back to work.
Agent 54: (to Billy and Rambo) Max handled that beautifully.
Rambo: Oh, Max is the best.
Billy: Coolest bloke I ever had for a boss.
Agent 54: So, how’s the joker working here if he got 3to 5?
Rambo: I dunno. Maybe he got time off for hilarious behavior.
Billy: I don’t see Gadget. Maybe he’s in the Ladie’s loo making sure everyone flushed and flushed only once.
Rambo: Gadget, I hate small time cops who think they’re Dick Tracey.
Billy: Take it easy Rambo. Gadget is harmless.
Rambo: Oh, I wouldn’t do anything unless he drew first blood.
Agent 54: First Blood! He can barely draw a paycheck.
We all chuckle at my wittiness.