Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Bangalow Bill’s Outer Space Adventure
Agent 54 here again. We monitored the recording of a very interesting interview by Blitzed Wolfer of famous big game hunter Bangalow Bill. You may be aware that Bangalow Bill was “persuaded” to change his ways of hunting to more “non-lethal” methods. Check this out.
Blitzed Wolfer: This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN. Today we’re at the San Diego Zoo talking to Big Game hunter Bangalow Bill. How are you Bill?
Bangalow Bill: Quite well thank you.
Blitzed: I’m not sure that everyone knows that you have changed you ways and that you no longer shoot animals dead. Can you tell us how you hunt now?
Bill: Surely. Well I often use a tranquilizer dart gun or a camera to “shoot” my prey. I help with the conservation movement by “tagging” lots of animals so they can be tracked by the people studying the migration of the different species.
Blitzed: That is a noble endeavor but, you recently tried a different method that didn’t quite work out so well, didn’t you?
Bill: Quite right. Well, I have read about this “Knockout game” where young hooligans roam the streets in packs and try to pick out an unsuspecting victim, often women and children, to punch in the face and “knockout”.
Blitzed: Yes, that is a terrible true story. The “Knockout game” is a crime that is spreading around the United States.
Bill: Indeed, and it doesn’t seem very sporting to me. So, I decided to try it with wild animals. Of course, wild animals are always on the lookout and therefore much harder to sneak up on. Also, I believe it would be much harder to “knockout” a large animal.
Blitzed: That seems like it would be extremely dangerous, bordering on stupid.
Bill: Absolutely! However that is what makes it such a thrill. Of course, with my vast experience in the wild, I wasn’t worried. I staked out a large untamed part of the Pacific Northwest and began my hunt. I tried stalking prey for a couple of days but, that wasn’t working so, I climbed a tree and made a tree stand and waited for my victim to approach.
Blitzed: That seems a bit foolish, Bill. How are you going to punch a wild animal in the face from a tree?
Bill: I would have to rely on my cat-like agility and the element of surprise.
Blitzed: That still seems kinda dumb.
Bill: I admit it wasn’t the smartest thing I’d ever attempted.
Blitzed: Yeah, it’s like something you’d see on the TV show “Jackass”.
Bill: Now listen here. I don’t have to take these insults. I can go home,,,
Blitzed: (interrupting) I apologize please continue with your story.
Bill: Well, there I was in the tree when a large animal walked directly underneath me.
Blitzed: So your strategy was a success!
Bill: Uh, not quite. Attempting to swing a mighty blow from the tree, I slipped and fell from the tree onto the huge shoulders of the animal.
Blitzed: I saw that coming a mile away.
Bill: Do you mind?
Blitzed: I’m sorry, please continue. What happened next?
Bill: There was a couple of seconds of brilliant white light and then I found myself in a strange room, still on the shoulders of the huge hairy animal. There was what appeared to be a console on one side of the room with another large hairy animal behind it apparently working the controls.
Blitzed: Oh my, you must have been scared to death.
Bill: Indeed. Then the animal behind the console spoke. “Hey Duane, who’s your friend?” he said. The animal I was on took me off and set me down on the floor like I was a toy soldier. He said “I don’t know but, I’d like to punt him right off this ship.” “He must have hit my GPS by accident and beamed us both back here”.
Blitzed: At this point you must have realized that you were not in Kansas anymore.
Blitzed: Nevermind, please tell us more.
Bill: At this point I was beginning to think something was drastically wrong.
Blitzed: (under his breath) Duh!
Bill: I spoke to my attempted prey. “Duane, would you be so kind as to tell me where I am and what you are?”. Duane said “You’re not the sharpest tack in the box are you?” “I don’t want to tell you too much for your own good”. “Now, do you have a camera, phone or other communication device?” “I have to take those from you”. At this point I realized I was a captive of Duane. Since Duane was huge, hairy and smelly but, relatively relaxed I decided not to resist at this time.
Blitzed: Good choice.
Bill: Quite! Duane took my electronic devices and bound my hands behind me with a plastic zip tie. I asked him where he got the zip tie and he said “they were invented on his planet and that the only reason earth had them is because years ago one of his people dropped one and we found it”.
Blitzed: These “animals” must be hundreds or thousands of years ahead of us in their technology.
Bill: It would appear so. Where was I? Oh, I know. Duane lead me to the M.E.L. (Milky way Explorer’s League) office where after they removed the zip tie, I was interrogated for two hours by another large, hairy and smelly animal.
Blitzed: Did you at any point, believe you were going to be,,,you know,,,probed.
Bill: Heaven’s no! These people may be animals but, they’re not Barbarians. In fact half way through the interrogation I asked for something to drink and they offered me tea. I seems the whole galaxy enjoys tea. They all know of Great Britain’s tea industry and say that tea is England’s biggest gift to the Universe. I had a perfect cup of Earl Grey.
Blitzed: So, you were starting to feel at ease with your captures. However, you must have been looking for a chance to escape?
Bill: Always, however none had appeared to me at that time. I was lead from the interrogation room to a large, comfortable waiting room with leather recliners and huge TV screens. My interrogator, Bob said “The restroom is over there”. “I’m going to put the viewer on Earth scenes and you won’t be able to change it”. “I’ll come back when we’ve decided what to do with you.”
Blitzed: I would have gone crazy waiting for alien beings to decide my fate.
Bill: I checked the door a minute after Bob left. Locked! Darn! Then I sat in the recliner and watched the lovely scenes of waterfalls, lakes and mountains from earth that changed every 10 seconds or so. I must have dosed off as Bob woke me with a little shake of my shoulder. He said “C’mon were sending you home”. “You want to go home don’t you?”
Blitzed: Oh my God, what a relief that must have been.
Bill: Indeed, I jumped up and said “let’s go” and with that I was lead back to the “beaming room” where Tommy the huge, hairy and smelly console operator was still “manning” the console.
Blitzed: So, at that point you knew you were going home. Did you try to maybe, I dunno, take something to authenticate your story?
Bill: Of course I thought of that. Bob had some words of advice for me before they sent me back. Bob said “Look Bill, this “Knockout game” is dumb”. “You’re just going to hurt yourself or someone else and there’s really no point to it so, knock it off”. “Now we went through your computer files and found that on Earth you are a big enough bullshitter that nobody will believe you if you tell them what happened today”. “We at M.E.L. recommend that you don’t tell anybody”. “If you tell them down there they may just lock you up permanently”. “We’re going to keep your devices”. “One last thing, try to have a little more respect for other living things, okay?” “Alright, goodbye”. With that they beamed me to the spot under the tree that I had fallen from.
Blitzed: Were you hurt or marked in anyway?
Bill: Not at all. I feel quite spry.
Blitzed: So what evidence did you bring back to prove your story is true?
Blitzed: Uh, that’s not really evidence. Did you bring something back or not?
Bill: Oh, I most definitely did, and here it is.
Bill pulls out of his shirt pocket a used Earl Grey tea bag.
Blitzed: Uh, It’s a tea bag.
Bill: An Earl Grey tea bag from an alien space ship.
Blitzed: Uh, it looks like a tea bag from your apartment. How do we now it’s from a space ship?
Bill: Well, because I told you that Bob got it for me on the ship. Now wait, you don’t think I would make all this up and then walk around with a used tea bag to claim as evidence just for some attention,,,do you?
Blitzed: This is Blitzed Wolfer for the Cable Ass Network with Big,,,uh,,, Big Bullshitter Bangalow Bill saying be nice to other living beings.
Bill: Hold on there! I resent that. This tea bag is real. Don’t look at me like that!
Yeah, I dunno what to make of that interview. What do you think?