Agent 54 : Is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. He works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. He reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Weird Day at the NSA
Agent 54 here again. Most days working for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) which is under the Department of Redundancy Department (DORD)
are routine. You listen to people
calling Radio Shack about wires, batteries and alarm clocks or pressure cookers
and stuff and then you write reports.
Sometime you get an exciting call or video but, usually not.
A lot of people work here. I have a few friends here but, I haven’t met
most of the people. I’m not the only semi-famous person here. I think people like to work here because like me, they’re curious and amused by what
real people are talking about. Some blew
their fortunes and are here for the money while others couldn’t find anything
else. I guess it’s like anywhere else.
My cubicle is near the hallway to the
bathrooms and the cafeteria. People pass
by all the time and I try to ignore them.
Last week, late in the day, Inspector Gadget stopped bye. He's a former small town detective who thinks he works for the NSA Internal Affairs Department. The NSA doesn't even have an Internal Affairs Department but, don't try to tell him that.
Inspector Gadget: Say Agent 54, did you happen to
notice anything new and unusual in the Men’s room.
(weirded out) Uh, no. Was I supposed to?
Inspector Gadget: Of course. As an NSA Agent we must be alert and
vigilante at all times. So, you didn’t
see the very Un-American Graffiti in stall number 2?
54: Oh yeah, it said “Flush twice, it’s
a long way to Washington D.C. 20500.”
Inspector Gadget: Ah ha! And exactly what did you think about that?
(still weirded out) Uh, I thought it was
strange to include the zip code.
Inspector Gadget: Did you think about who might
have done this?
(still weirded out) Not at all.
Inspector Gadget: Nevermind. I’ll find the culprit. Meanwhile, get a small bucket, some pine oil
and a sponge and get rid of the offensive remark.
(still weirded out) Uh, okay.
I don’t know why I take orders from Gadget. He’s an Agent the same as
me. I also don’t know why he took
offense to the graffiti. I thought it
was funny, well, mildly amusing anyway.
In the Men’s room I’m about to enter stall
number 2 when my friend, Billy Idol burst in with a bucket, pine oil and no
54: Hey Billy. Gadget come to see you too?
Billy: I don’t know why I take orders from that
Rambo comes in with a bucket, pine oil and a sponge. Rambo is another friend of mine. He's a former Army boxer with a dry sense of humor.
Rambo: Hey guys, what’s going on.
54: Rambo, you here to clean the
Rambo: Yeah, Gadget sent me.
54: Okay guys, just let me get it and
I’ll see you at my cubicle. I think we
have to find out what is really up with Gadget.
After I got rid of the “offensive remark” and
put the cleaning stuff away I plop in my chair. Rambo and Billy are waiting for me.
54: Before we talk about Gadget, Rambo,
how do you get away with not wearing a shirt in here?
Rambo: I got a waiver. My buddy, Col Trautman has friends in high places. They said as long as nobody complains,,,
Billy: The way I seen the chickies checkin you out,
they ain’t gonna complain. Some of the
chuckle at that.
Inspector Gadget appears at the front of the
large office space that has mine and about 100 other cubicles in it. He addresses the room.
Inspector Gadget: Attention everyone, attention. I have an important matter to discuss.
About 97 heads pop up from the cubicles,
including my Supervisor, Agent 86 (Max).
Inspector Gadget: I recently
discovered a disturbing case of vandalism here in our building. In the Men’s room in stall number 2, someone
placed a very Un-American bit of graffiti on the wall. (pointing at me and the boys) Boys, tell everyone what it said.
and I look at each other for a few seconds before I feel compelled to speak.
54: Uh, it said “Flush twice it’s a long
way to Washington 20500.”
room chuckles while the other half is really weirded out.
Inspector Gadget: That’s right! Now, using the investigative skills I learned
during many training seminars with the CIA, CSI, TSA, FBI, NSA and the DORD,
I have discovered exactly who the perpetrator of this offense is,,, haven’t I
head pops up from a cubicle in the back of the room.
Joker: Hee, hee, haa, haa, hoo, (psychotic evil
laughter) That’s right copper and you’ll
never take me alive!
With that he
leaps to the nearest window, turns the latch, opens it outward and jumps out.
second of stunned silence.
54: Nice move. That guy is like a gazelle.
Billy: Yeah, I didn’t know he worked here. I thought he was locked up. Didn’t he get 3 to 5?
Rambo: He did.
You know that move would have taken courage if this wasn’t a one story building.
clearly see the Joker running across the 200 yards of grass between our
building and the parking lot where the purple and green Joker mobile is parked. Bob, the Joker’s top henchman waits outside
the car. Max goes to the
window and calls out to the Joker.
Max: So Joker, it’s 4:51 right now. I’ll clock you out at 4:45 and you can make
up the 15 minutes tomorrow if you want.
stops in his tracks, turns toward us and gives us another burst of psychotic
evil laughter. Then he turns and bolts
for the getaway car.
Max: Right! Max closes
the window and turns to us.
Max: Okay everybody back to work.
54: (to Billy and Rambo) Max handled that beautifully.
Rambo: Oh, Max is the best.
Billy: Coolest bloke I ever had for a boss.
54: So, how’s the joker working here if
he got 3to 5?
Rambo: I dunno.
Maybe he got time off for hilarious behavior.
Billy: I don’t see Gadget. Maybe he’s in the Ladie’s loo making sure
everyone flushed and flushed only once.
Rambo: Gadget, I hate small time cops who think
they’re Dick Tracey.
Billy: Take it easy Rambo. Gadget is harmless.
Rambo: Oh, I wouldn’t do anything unless he drew
54: First Blood! He can barely draw a paycheck.