Sunday, August 25, 2013

Things I Might Say

Agent 54 here again.  This Silly Sunday thing seems to be working out nicely.  You get to know me better and I get to talk about my favorite subject,,, me.  So, if you are ever fortunate enough to meet me by chance somewhere, these are some of the things I might say to you depending on the weather or my mood or if you have an interesting appearance or animal with you.

  “What a great day for dogs!”  I catch dog walkers all the time with this one.  Sometimes they respond “every day is a great day for dogs” and I reply “yes it is”, then I size up your dog and say something like “2 hours at 350 degrees, feeds 4?”  Usually I get a laugh but, not always.  I come back with “I’m just kidding, I wouldn’t eat your dog, a stray dog maybe but, not your dog”.  Most of the time that’s all the person can take and they hurry away.

  Cat people get “I love cats with barbecue sauce, served with beans and guacamole.  “I’m just kidding, I wouldn’t eat your cat (dog, penguin etc..) a stray cat (dog, penguin etc..) maybe but, not your cat (dog, penguin etc..)”.  For some reason cat people find this funnier than dog people.  Maybe they can tell that I really do like cats.

  You say “hi, how are you?” and I respond with “I’m awesome but, it can be hard  for people to tell just by looking at me”.   This one confuses the hell out of people.  I sometimes give them a break (yeah right) by asking them “do you know why I’m awesome”?  Most snap back to reality and say “why?”  They have no idea how big of a can of worms they just opened.  I tell them “because I’m a great skater”.  They say “ice skater?” and I say “Ice Hockey.  When I used to skate into people they would fall down and when they would skate into me they would fall down.  It was a lot of fun”  That was really true.  I used to knock people down and laugh at them.  Try it, you’ll like it. (Do not attempt this anywhere). 

  If you are a waiter/waitress and you attempt to take my order I may ask for a Bucket of Chicken all beaks and feet.  That’s not really what I want and it’s really hard to find anyone who actually serves that.  So far I haven’t gotten stuck eating it.  Hey! Maybe someday.  Maybe I’ll like it.

  If you are a waiter/waitress and you attempt to take my order I may ask for Muskrat Parmigiana.  The more experienced waitresses at the old dinners back east have heard this one before.  The truckers do this one all the time. The first time I did this in front of my wife to be, she gasped.  The waitress didn’t even react and I played along.  She brought me Chicken Parmigiana as I knew she would  (I’m pretty sure it was chicken).

  After dinner (breakfast, lunch, cigar etc…) I will say “that was the best dinner (breakfast, lunch, cigar etc…) I had all day.”  People ask how many dinners (breakfast, lunch, cigar etc…) did you have today?  Again they opened a can of worms that could go anywhere.

  I sometimes answer the phone in Spanish.  “?Hola, como se llama?”  Usually the telemarketers just hang up.

  If you ever ask me (and people have asked) “What the hell is wrong with you?” I will reply “What, do you want me to make a list?”.  That usually shuts them up.

Fair warning to all:    Any conversation with me could result in numerous Ice Hockey stories being told.  Man, I had a great time playing Hockey.

  I feel it is time to mercifully let you go about your own life now having had your fill of me for the week.  It was fun (for me anyway).  Until next Sunday, Hi Oh Silver, Away!

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Early in Agent 54's Career

Young Agent 54
  Agent 54 here again.   For me the tradition of Sunday Silliness goes back 7 or 8 days.  I got such a positive response from my previous revelations about my comfort in my own scalp that I felt that I had to give my fans more personal insights on myself.  I’m sure my fans and I have had similar experiences.  It is these similar experiences that forge a common bond between us all.

  I was born very young.    I immediately realized that everything was going to be different.  For a while I played it cool.  Cautiously observing and getting used to my own senses and then, shit happened. 

  At first I just went with it.  Filling my diaper seemed natural and easy.  When the deed was done I became blissfully distracted with all the new stimulus in my brand new world.  Suddenly, I caught a whiff of jiff. Pueewww, stinky.   What had I done?  Was this new condition permanent? Being emotionally immature, I began to cry.   My cries brought another person who changed my diaper and made everything okay again.  I was again blissfully distracted.

  Later that same day I began to feel an annoying sensation in my tummy.  Slowly a vision of something large, long and brown came to my mind.  It was a Snickers bar and I was hungry for the first time in my life.  How to get a Snickers bar became my obsession.  I had no mode of transportation, no language skills, no cell phone and no pockets to put money in if I could even manage to find some money.  It seemed the odds were stacked against me. 

  Realizing that it would be impossible for me to score a Snickers bar at such a young age, I began to cry again.   Shortly, this brought another person who stuck something in my mouth with some kind of liquid libation in it.  I consumed it figuring that it would have to do but, knowing that, someday, I would eat as many Snickers Bars as I wanted and there would be nobody who could stop me (goo, goo, gaa ,gaa evil baby giggling)

  Because thinking was still new to me, it took a little while for this very young mathamagician to put 2 and 2 together and figure out that when I cried someone came and solved all my problems.  I decided to test my first hypothesis. Waaahwaaah I cried and sure enough a nice person showed up and checked the oil and filters and made sure I was thoroughly okay.  Bingo!  It works like a charm. 

  The rest of the day I reacted that same way to every event.  Burp – cry.  Fart – cry. Bored-cry and every time someone came and gave me the attention I desired.  Abuse of power? Let he/she who is without sin cast the first stone.

  Well, that was quite an eventful first day If you ask me.  So many firsts.  Lessons learned for a lifetime.

  I have to go now but, I look forward to sharing more personal insights on Silly Sundays to come.  Until we meet again, farewell my fans, farewell.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Baldness Rules!

It’s a solar panel for a sex machine!

Agent 54
  I saw a T.V. commercial for a hair growing product that said “nobody wants to be Bald”.  What the hell!  I was extremely offended.  I have officially been Bald since age 27 or roughly half my life.  Actually if you count my being born Bald its even longer.  I like being Bald.  It forces you to have a sense of humor.

  America loves Baldness.  You know what kind of  Eagle is the symbol of this nation?  Yeah baby,  a beautiful Bald Eagle.

  You know that many of America’s most admired people were or are Bald.  Sure, Dwight D. Eisenhower,  Tele Savalas, Mr. Clean, Patrick Stewart, Batman, Charles Barkley, Yosemite Sam, Michael Jordan, Popeye, Tom Colicchio, Elmer Fudd, Dr. Phil, Homer Simpson, Hulk Hogan, and James Carville to name a few.

  Lots of people want to be Bald.  Many movie stars like Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, Samuel L. Jackson, Gene Hackman and Harrison Ford have shaved their heads Bald for roles.  Not me!  My Baldness is all natural baby.

  I don’t remember ever being worried about going Bald.  My dad was always Bald as were all the men on his side of the family.  He always had that silly comb over hair style.  Who did he think he was fooling?  Was he trying to look younger than me with my Bald head?

Homer Simpson
  They say the “Bald gene” comes from the mother’s side.  Well, all the men on my mom’s side were Bald too.  I was guaranteed to go Bald.  Cool!

  I do own about 100 hats.  I’m not trying to hide anything but, I live in Arizona.  Did you ever get sunburn on the top of your head?  It hurts!  If I don’t wear a hat I have to use SPF 728,000 Sun Block and that makes my head feel like a greased watermelon.

Patrick Stewart

   I don’t have anything against Hairy Heads.  In fact I’m a big fan of hair,,,on women.  I had a friend I called Brinker the Thinker who had beautiful long black curly hair like a rock star.  I once told him “real men don’t need hair but, it is kinda nice to have some”.  He just shook his head of great hair.

  I’m feeling inspired now by those awful commercials for growing hair or wigs or whatever.  I’m going to start a Bald Pride March across this country to demonstrate America’s love of Baldness.  I just hope we have enough SPF 728,000 and we get some cloud cover for it.

Monday, August 5, 2013

When Garden Hoses Attack!

Are you afraid of garden hoses?  Well, you will be.  You will be.

  What you don’t know about garden hoses could fill volumes.  Did you know that there is a Garden Hose blog?  Garden Hose Trivia Quiz:  I examined the “trivia-quiz” at this site with a wary eye.   It was full of fun facts like to get a garden hose to put out double the volume of water of a ½ inch hose you use a ¾ inch hose and not a 1 inch hose.  See, you thought you knew it all about garden hoses but, know ye, there are many more dark hose secrets.

  Of course everyone knows that the first Garden Hose was invented in 1652 in Amsterdam by Jan Van der Heiden but, do we really know why?  Think about it.  Since the invention of the Garden Hose most Earthlings have gotten used to the idea of growing some of their own lawns, flowers, herbs and vegetables.  Gardening has become an ever-expanding worldwide phenomenon. 

  Most of us have tasted the water out of a Garden Hose.  We have all noted that the taste is not too good.  Why?  Because some molecules of the material used to make the hose have contaminated that water.  Though the volume of those particles may seem small, humans are still able to detect them even without any special training.  Those molecules that cause that taste are large enough to carry their own DNA. 

  Recently I have seen Television (the great human hypnotizer) ads for the FlexAbleHose & the PocketHose.  I immediately recognized these ingeniously devious devices for what they really are.  I watched in horror as the coils of green FlexAbleHose & the PocketHose expanded like the intestines of the space aliens that designed them.  You see the space aliens intestines must be able to expand like that so they can gorge themselves before long space flights.  Even in hyper sleep, a body burns calories and the extra-terrestrial wonderers know they must load up like an elephant before starting their journeys.  The expandable hose is quite a convenient and sensible product for the humans.  This begs the question, why design and sell to the people of earth such a product?

  If you were planning on taking over an alien planet, you would want to have certain things in place before the natural inhabitants became aware of your plans.  Having those inhabitants enact your preparation plans is sheer otherworldly genius.  What space age materials are the FlexAbleHose & the PocketHose made of you ask?  Materials embedded with alien DNA is the answer. 

  So, as we water our lawns and Gardens we are spreading alien DNA which is slowly altering our plant life, creating sources of food and fuel that are better suited for the technology and biology of the alien invaders.  We are turning Earth into a home field advantage for the visiting team.

  As we consume our own garden products we are also slowly altering our own DNA.  The alien invaders want us to be dumber and more docile when they come.  The evidence of their success is in recent American elections where the many of DNA altered “sheeple” voted for their worst possible choices for their “leaders”.  These “leaders” have started the planetary decline that is a huge part of the space alien invasion plan.  A weakened Earth will not be able stand up against the alien onslaught.

  When is the invasion coming?  What can we do?  Will heroes like Luke Skywalker, Hans Solo and Buzz Lightyear emerge to save us?  I don’t have the answers.  I wish I did.  All I can say is choose your Gardening Supplies wisely and may the force be with you.