Agent 54 : Is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. He works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. He reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
Agent 54 here again. Well, I was in my cubicle at the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) when a
group of VIPs were being given a tour of the building. Because my cubicle is the first one they see,
being right at the end of the hallway, the tour groups always pause right there
and the person leading the groups always gives a brief description of us
Listener/Readers. This always makes me
feel like an animal on display at the zoo.
The other day it was even worse as some of
the ladies in the group must have thought of it as a “petting zoo”. I was just sitting there when one of them
started rubbing my bald head. She was
petting me like a donkey or something.
Well, I don’t like to cause a big stink at work so, I just went with it
and when the other lady started hand feeding me Doritos well, I figured “this isn’t
so bad, let’s just go with it”.
It was the third lady that took it to
extremes. When I think about it now I have
to wonder why she was walking in a tour of a high security building, dressed in
a business suit, with an open can of sardines?
However at the time she started dangling the sardines in front of me,
well, I couldn’t help myself. You know
how much I love sardines, so who can blame me for clapping my flippers and
barking like Harbor Seal? Those sardines
Next thing I know, Inspector Gadget is
staring at me with that look of extreme disapproval on his face. I felt like a fool but, the sardine lady
still had half a can of sardines and the other lady still had some
Doritos. I was trapped between a rock
and a hard place.
By the time everyone left my area I had so
much orange spice powder from the Doritos on my face I looked like one of The
Joker’s henchmen. I also had the breath
of a gluttonous Sea Lion.
I don’t know why this happened but, I feel
like I was set up. I don’t know what Gadget is going to put in his report. This
whole episode gives me pause to ask a lot of questions like: Is someone at the NSA trying to get rid of
me? Why would anyone do that? Does someone think I’m underfed? Why would anyone think that? Who walks around with an open can of sardines
all day long?
Agent 54 here
again. I found this file in the trash at
the NSA. Somebody didn’t want this out
there. When I read it, I just cracked up.
It’s time for America’s favorite new Internet game show!
Trivia Pursuit Live
I’m your host, Stink Fartinmale.
Let me explain the game. The
object is is to acquire pieces of Pie and stuff yourself like an Toronto Mayor Rob Ford by answering
questions about the time period when the World first got to know Monica Lewinsky
in intimate detail.
Is is everybody
ready to play? (Applause, Cheers & Hoots)
today’s first Question, just shout out the answer;
Q1: What do Bill Clinton, Elliot Spitzer and Anthony
Weiner all have in common? Good Luck.
Fartinmale again. We have a correct
answer from Hillary Clinton who said
they all need to be neutered.
you have won a Piece of Pie that has been a Washington favorite and is is
catching on all over the USA. That’s
right, it’s Chocolate Cherry Surprise Pie.
and good luck on Question 2.
Q2:Who is is Vernon Jordan?
(Ohs & Awes)
It’s Stink here
again, looks like time has expired on Question 2.
(Ohs & Awes)
answer to Q2: Who is is Vernon Jordan?,
Is is,,,, he was Monica Lewinsky’s Personal Employment Agent. I think he had some other official government
position but his mainjob was to keep Monica quiet and reward
her for her “services” by getting her a cushy job with Revlon.
Q3: On what part of her body did Monica Lewinsky
wear a “beret”?
That’s right! Gennifer
Flowers, You gave me head and that’s always a correct answer. Your prize is is a special piece of pie that
will remind you of your youth. Yes, here
straight from your grade school cafeteria it’s a slice of “Mystery Meat
Pie”. Yeah, you may not know what it is
is but you’ll love it anyway.
Stink: Let’s get ready for Question 4 where we have
3 live contestants from Washington D.C. on our stage!
Stink: Q4: Monica’s blue dress was what color?
Stink: Yes Mrs. Pelosi.
Pelosi: It was a rainbow and it had free
Unicorns on it and it was very beautiful.
Stink: Uh no, not at
all. Anybody else? Yes Former President Obama.
Barack Obama: The dress
in question was definitely colored Red, I promise you, period.
Stink: No, that’s not
true. Yes, Former Presidential spokesman Jay
Jay Carney: The Former President clearly stated that the dress was Green.
Stink: No, the Former President actually said it was Red.
Barack Obama: What
Jay Carney said is the truth!
Stink: How can
Jay Carney: When
the Former President said “Red” he clearly meant in the Green spectrum of the color pallet
of dresses made in the USA at that time.
Stink: Well it
doesn’t really matter anyway because the correct answer is BLEW! All of you were very wrong.
Barack Obama: I
clearly stated that the dress was BLEW.
Jay Carney: The Former President couldn’t have been more transparent on this issue.
Stink: Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have
Trivia Pursuit Live
This is is Stink
Fartinmale saying, join us next time and just because the Obama White House was
a real mess, that’s no excuse to forget a thing about the stinking mess that
was the White House in the 1990s. Good bye everyone!
Agent 54 here again.
The New Year is approaching fast and that means New Year’s Parties. Of course I am one of the “designated
drivers” for our party at the NSA because I don’t drink. I’m okay with doing that because I want my
friends to get home safely and I usually get some good stories out of the dumb
stuff that happens when people drink too much.
I’ve prepared by loading my truck with barf-bags, breath mints, a first
aid kit, fire extinguisher and extra towels and blankets. Just sayin, better safe than sorry.
I’ll give you updates
here as the party goes on and I’ll have to finish this report tomorrow because
I can’t write and drive at this time. It
should be an interesting night because we have so many unusual personalities
working at the Nominal Secrets Apparatus and they can each bring a guest. Let the good times roll!
10:34 pm New Year’s
Eve: My wife Carol and I got here about
an hour ago and helped set things up.
We’re in the huge cafeteria and it’s all decorated and there’s enough
booze here get the whole town drunk.
I’ve introduced my wife to my friends and met their wives and/or
girlfriends as they have come in. Right
now, I kicking back at a table by myself with a Dr. Pepper and a funny hat and
I feel like Forrest Gump in NYC at New Years.
My wife is gabbing away in a lady circle with new friends she’s already
made like Mrs. Gasket, Lovely Rita-Meter Maid, Agent 99, Flo and Madge as the
room quickly fills.
11:02 pm New Year’s
Eve: My buddy Billy Idol just walked
into the room with Lady Gaga and everybody shouted out for him. He’s enjoying the limelight like the Rock
Star he was and he looks half-drunk already.
He and lady Gaga took the stage with the local band that was hired for
the night named Talk To Sheep featuring Nate Morrow on guitar.
11.04 pm New Year’s Eve: Billy is whaling “with a rebel yell” and the
place is rockin. Now it’s a party. Lady Gaga is whaling with Billy and it works.
11:16 pm New Year’s
Eve: My table has filled up as my buddy John
Rambo has joined me. As usual, he has no
shirt on and is wearing a black bow-tie.
He has already attracted Flo and Madge over to the table. Billy, with Lady Gaga all over him, threw his
leather vest over the chair next to me and then the two of them
disappeared. I think there’s a smoky
little party going on just outside the back door of this building. I don’t care as long as they don’t drive.
11:28 pm New Year’s
Eve: I’ve been trying to sell Rambo on
my Batman The Moron movie idea
but, I’m sensing he’s not all that interested.
Flo and Madge are ogling John and I sense that he would rather be
somewhere else. Madge says she’s retired
from Palmolive and working at the NSA part-time. Her nails still look good. Flo said she’s here with the Geico Gecko but
I haven’t seen the little green bugger all night. In fact, I never seen him at work
either. Maybe he’s on the night-shift?
11:29 pm New Year’s
Eve: My boss, H. Cuffs is making the rounds and he stopped by my table.
H. Cuffs is still pleased that I caught Yogi Bear before he could bust Boo
Boo out of the slammer but, the thing is, the judge let Boo Boo out a week
later under Ranger Smith’s recognizance.
Oh well, at least I scored a brownie point with H. Cuffs.
11:32 pm New Year’s
Eve: Uh oh, here comes Gadget. I like Inspector Gadget enough but, I don’t
want him to find out what’s going on out back.
He would probably start trouble and get his butt whupped and that would
not be cool and I would have to go try to save him and I’d probably end up
getting my butt whupped and I just don’t need all that tonight. Shhhhh! Here he comes.
Inspector Gadget: Good
Evening everyone. Fine party, wouldn’t
Rambo: Great! I gotta take a leak. (Rambo gets up and leaves).
Inspector Gadget: Yes
well, Agent 54, I trust there is no Rum in that Dr. Pepper you have there. I know that you and I are both Designated
Agent 54: Nothing but
Dr. Pepper here. I take my job
seriously. Say Inspector, have you met
my wife, Carol? (I get up and try to
lead the Inspector away to where my wife is still yaking but, he stops me).
Inspector Gadget: Wait
a minute! That smell. You know what that is?
Agent 54: (nervously)
Uh, I think I stepped on a cow pie on the way in and,,,
Inspector Gadget: (interrupting)
No, that’s the smell of Marijuana. I’d
know that smell anywhere from my many training seminars with the DEA, FBI,TSA,
NCIS and others. Well, it is a party. Now, where’s that lovely wife of yours?
I was in shock. He was
cool about what was going on out back too.
I guess he figured as long as they don’t drive and keep it outside, hey
It’s New Years. I quickly regained my
senses and dragged him over to meet Carol.
11:45 pm Some red-eyed wastiod tugged at my sleeve and
said “Dude, dude you a friend of Billy’s?”
Agent 54: Yeah, is he
Wastiod: Uh, what do
you mean by Okay?
Agent 54: Where is he?
11:48 pm The wastiod led me to find Billy Idol out
back, face down in the vomit filled grass with his butt up in the air and Lady
Gaga leaning on it. She’s singing
something I’ve never heard before in between taking large gulps from a large
Agent 54: Okay give me
I look around and nobody but, Billy and Gaga are there. Was the wastiod a ghost or something? Who knows?
11:59 pm I barely got those two into my 1998 Mercury
Mountaineer, slammed the door and ran back to the party. I have to find and tell Carol where I’m going
or she will panic and call the police or worse, tell Gadget that I’m missing. All the way back I’m wondering how much damage
Billy and Gaga could be doing to my truck.
12:01 am A minute late.
Carol: Where the hell
At this point I know I have to tell her the entire story and
somehow make her stay at the party while I drive the drunkies home. As story time goes on and on I’m thinking
that more and more damage is occurring in the truck and I start to panic. What if one of those knuckleheads hot-wires
Nate Morrow with Talk To Sheep
12:04 am I head for the exit.
Agent 54: I got to go!
I’ll fill you in on the rest of the details later!
Carol: Yeah whatever!
As I pass through the doorway I’m thinking “why did I
volunteer for this?” I get to the truck,
open the driver’s door and see alcohol and vomit soaked clothing all over the
front seats. I glimpse back to see the
nearly naked drunkies doing what nearly naked drunkies do.
Agent 54: Put your
seat belts on you two!
Of course they ignore me and I start the truck and pull out
slowly. Looking back at the door of the
cafeteria where the party is, I see my wife in the doorway with her hands on
her hips. Great! This is gonna be a fine start to a fine New
As I drive, I begin
to relax. No problems. I’m driving and I’m sober. The drunkies haven’t seemed to even notice
that we’re on the road to Gaga’s hotel (there’s only one hotel in town so it’s
got to be hers) What could go
wrong? ROADBLOCK! A sobriety check-point ahead.
Agent 54: Drunkies!
Get your clothes on. We got a shitload
of cops up ahead! Get dressed right now
I guess it was the word “cops” that sobered them up enough to
attempt to redress themselves. I was
grabbing wet (I didn’t know which was soaked in booze or vomit, yuk!) clothing
and tossing it into the back seat. As I
take a final look in the mirror before speaking to the officer I see something
amazing. The drunkies are both
reasonably dressed with seat belts on but, they had switched some articles of
clothing and they both had their hair and make-up messed up so bad that I
couldn’t tell which one was which. No
matter, time to talk to the cop.
12:24 am I did it!
I handled the cop like a pro. I
mean, I just told him the truth but, I was still worried. I mean I smelled like a liquor store because
the drunkies clothing was soaked with it.
Oh, no. A wet sock hits me in the
head and lands on the dashboard. I look
in the mirror.
Agent 54: Can’t
you two wait until we get to the Hotel?
It’s just another 10 minutes for Yoda’s sake!
12:35 am We arrive at the hotel and I tell the
drunkies to get dressed again.
12:45 am I got the twenty something aged valet to help
me and we get the half-dressed drunkies out of my truck. I spot a puddle of vomit on the back seat
floor that I was previously unaware of.
Valet: Hey dude, is
this Billy Idol?
Agent 54: Naw kid,
It’s a look-a-like we hired for the New Year’s party. (what are friends for?).
Valet: Wow, he looks
just like him only older and drunker.
12:55 am We finally win our struggle to get the
drunkies into the room and flop them each on the double bed. Billy is unconscious.
Lady Gaga: (slurring
both words) Thanks Bob. (She immediately
Valet: Who’s Bob?
Agent 54: You
are! C’mon Bob, let’s get the hell out
1:05 am The valet got me a bucket and a sponge and
some Mr. Clean and I’m scrubbing vomit out of my truck in the hotel parking
lot. What a glorious way to start the
New Year. Happy 2014! It’s all soup and nuts from here.
1:15 am I’m on the road back to the party and I’m
reviewing the night’s events in my head.
I may have saved my friend’s and possibly some other driver’s lives by
doing my disgusting duties. That makes
me feel good and I figure I’ll probably do it again next year. Yeah, I guess, all’s well that ends
well. Now, just how much of this story
do I try to explain to Carol?