Sunday, January 19, 2014

NSA Petting Zoo


  Agent 54 here again.  Well, I was in my cubicle at the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) when a group of VIPs were being given a tour of the building.  Because my cubicle is the first one they see, being right at the end of the hallway, the tour groups always pause right there and the person leading the groups always gives a brief description of us Listener/Readers.  This always makes me feel like an animal on display at the zoo.

  The other day it was even worse as some of the ladies in the group must have thought of it as a “petting zoo”.    I was just sitting there when one of them started rubbing my bald head.  She was petting me like a donkey or something.  Well, I don’t like to cause a big stink at work so, I just went with it and when the other lady started hand feeding me Doritos well, I figured “this isn’t so bad, let’s just go with it”.

Harbor Seal
  It was the third lady that took it to extremes.  When I think about it now I have to wonder why she was walking in a tour of a high security building, dressed in a business suit, with an open can of sardines?  However at the time she started dangling the sardines in front of me, well, I couldn’t help myself.  You know how much I love sardines, so who can blame me for clapping my flippers and barking like Harbor Seal?  Those sardines were delicious!

  Next thing I know, Inspector Gadget is staring at me with that look of extreme disapproval on his face.  I felt like a fool but, the sardine lady still had half a can of sardines and the other lady still had some Doritos.  I was trapped between a rock and a hard place. 

  By the time everyone left my area I had so much orange spice powder from the Doritos on my face I looked like one of The Joker’s henchmen.  I also had the breath of a gluttonous Sea Lion.

  I don’t know why this happened but, I feel like I was set up.  I don’t know what Gadget is going to put in his report.  This whole episode gives me pause to ask a lot of questions like:  Is someone at the NSA trying to get rid of me?  Why would anyone do that?  Does someone think I’m underfed?  Why would anyone think that?  Who walks around with an open can of sardines all day long?

Inspector Gadget 

  If you know the answers to any of these questions please type them in the comments boxes.  Without your help I may never figure what really happened that day at the NSA Petting Zoo.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Monica Mess Game Show

Agent 54 here again.  I found this file in the trash at the NSA.  Somebody didn’t want this out there.  When I read it, I just cracked up. 
It’s time for America’s favorite new Internet game show!

              Trivia Pursuit Live

(Monicagate Edition)

(Applause)

     I’m your host, Stink Fartinmale.  Let me explain the game.  The object is is to acquire pieces of Pie and stuff  yourself  like an Toronto Mayor Rob Ford by answering questions about the time period when the World first got to know Monica Lewinsky in intimate detail.

(Applause)

Is is everybody ready to play?  (Applause, Cheers & Hoots)

Great! Here’s today’s first Question, just shout out the answer;

Q1:  What do Bill Clinton, Elliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner all have in common?  Good Luck.

(Applause)

It’s Stink Fartinmale again.  We have a correct answer from Hillary Clinton  who said they all need to be neutered. 

Congratulations, you have won a Piece of Pie that has been a Washington favorite and is is catching on all over the USA.  That’s right, it’s Chocolate Cherry Surprise Pie. 

(Applause)      

Congratulations and good luck on Question 2.

Q2: Who is is Vernon Jordan?

 (Ohs & Awes)

It’s Stink here again, looks like time has expired on Question 2.

(Ohs & Awes)

Vernon Jordan
The correct answer to Q2:  Who is is Vernon Jordan?, Is is,,,, he was Monica Lewinsky’s Personal Employment Agent.  I think he had some other official government position but his main job was to keep Monica quiet and reward her for her “services” by getting her a cushy job with Revlon.

(Applause)

Ready for Question 3?

Q3:  On what part of her body did Monica Lewinsky wear a “beret”?

Gennifer Flowers
That’s right! Gennifer Flowers, You gave me head and that’s always a correct answer.  Your prize is is a special piece of pie that will remind you of your youth.  Yes, here straight from your grade school cafeteria it’s a slice of “Mystery Meat Pie”.   Yeah, you may not know what it is is but you’ll love it anyway.

(Applause)

Stink:  Let’s get ready for Question 4 where we have 3 live contestants from Washington D.C. on our stage!

Stink:  Q4: Monica’s blue dress was what color?   

Stink:  Yes Mrs. Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi:  It was a rainbow and it had free Unicorns on it and it was very beautiful.

Stink:  Uh no, not at all.  Anybody else?  Yes Former President Obama.

Barack Obama:  The dress in question was definitely colored Red, I promise you, period.

Stink:  No, that’s not true.  Yes, Former Presidential spokesman Jay Carney.

Jay Carney:  The Former President clearly stated that the dress was Green.

Stink:  No, the Former President actually said it was Red.

Barack Obama:  What Jay Carney said is the truth!

Stink:  How can that be?

Jay Carney:  When the Former President said “Red” he clearly meant in the Green spectrum of the color pallet of dresses made in the USA at that time.

Stink:  Well it doesn’t really matter anyway because the correct answer is BLEW!  All of you were very wrong.

Barack Obama:  I clearly stated that the dress was BLEW.

Jay Carney:  The Former President couldn’t have been more transparent on this issue.

Stink:   Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have tonight for;  


    Trivia Pursuit Live

       (Monicagate Edition)


                                                                                                                           
(Applause) 

This is is Stink Fartinmale saying, join us next time and just because the Obama White House was a real mess, that’s no excuse to forget a thing about the stinking mess that was the White House in the 1990s.  Good bye everyone!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year’s Party at the NSA

  Agent 54 here again.  The New Year is approaching fast and that means New Year’s Parties.  Of course I am one of the “designated drivers” for our party at the NSA because I don’t drink.   I’m okay with doing that because I want my friends to get home safely and I usually get some good stories out of the dumb stuff that happens when people drink too much.  I’ve prepared by loading my truck with barf-bags, breath mints, a first aid kit, fire extinguisher and extra towels and blankets.  Just sayin, better safe than sorry.

  I’ll give you updates here as the party goes on and I’ll have to finish this report tomorrow because I can’t write and drive at this time.  It should be an interesting night because we have so many unusual personalities working at the Nominal Secrets Apparatus and they can each bring a guest.  Let the good times roll!

  10:34 pm New Year’s Eve:  My wife Carol and I got here about an hour ago and helped set things up.  We’re in the huge cafeteria and it’s all decorated and there’s enough booze here get the whole town drunk.  I’ve introduced my wife to my friends and met their wives and/or girlfriends as they have come in.  Right now, I kicking back at a table by myself with a Dr. Pepper and a funny hat and I feel like Forrest Gump in NYC at New Years.  My wife is gabbing away in a lady circle with new friends she’s already made like Mrs. Gasket, Lovely Rita-Meter Maid, Agent 99, Flo and Madge as the room quickly fills.

  11:02 pm New Year’s Eve:  My buddy Billy Idol just walked into the room with Lady Gaga and everybody shouted out for him.  He’s enjoying the limelight like the Rock Star he was and he looks half-drunk already.  He and lady Gaga took the stage with the local band that was hired for the night named Talk To Sheep featuring Nate Morrow on guitar.

  11.04 pm  New Year’s Eve:  Billy is whaling “with a rebel yell” and the place is rockin.  Now it’s a party.  Lady Gaga is whaling with Billy and it works.

  11:16 pm New Year’s Eve:  My table has filled up as my buddy John Rambo has joined me.  As usual, he has no shirt on and is wearing a black bow-tie.  He has already attracted Flo and Madge over to the table.  Billy, with Lady Gaga all over him, threw his leather vest over the chair next to me and then the two of them disappeared.  I think there’s a smoky little party going on just outside the back door of this building.  I don’t care as long as they don’t drive.

  11:28 pm New Year’s Eve:  I’ve been trying to sell Rambo on my Batman The Moron  movie idea but, I’m sensing he’s not all that interested.  Flo and Madge are ogling John and I sense that he would rather be somewhere else.  Madge says she’s retired from Palmolive and working at the NSA part-time.  Her nails still look good.  Flo said she’s here with the Geico Gecko but I haven’t seen the little green bugger all night.  In fact, I never seen him at work either.  Maybe he’s on the night-shift?

  11:29 pm New Year’s Eve:  My boss, H. Cuffs is making the rounds and he stopped by my table.  H. Cuffs is still pleased that I caught Yogi Bear before he could bust Boo Boo out of the slammer but, the thing is, the judge let Boo Boo out a week later under Ranger Smith’s recognizance.  Oh well, at least I scored a brownie point with H. Cuffs.

  11:32 pm New Year’s Eve:  Uh oh, here comes Gadget.  I like Inspector Gadget enough but, I don’t want him to find out what’s going on out back.  He would probably start trouble and get his butt whupped and that would not be cool and I would have to go try to save him and I’d probably end up getting my butt whupped and I just don’t need all that tonight.  Shhhhh! Here he comes.

Inspector Gadget:  Good Evening everyone.  Fine party, wouldn’t you say?

Rambo:  Great!  I gotta take a leak.  (Rambo gets up and leaves).

Inspector Gadget:  Yes well, Agent 54, I trust there is no Rum in that Dr. Pepper you have there.  I know that you and I are both Designated Drivers tonight.

Agent 54:  Nothing but Dr. Pepper here.  I take my job seriously.  Say Inspector, have you met my wife, Carol?   (I get up and try to lead the Inspector away to where my wife is still yaking but, he stops me).

Inspector Gadget:  Wait a minute! That smell. You know what that is?

Agent 54:  (nervously) Uh, I think I stepped on a cow pie on the way in and,,,

Inspector Gadget:  (interrupting) No, that’s the smell of Marijuana.  I’d know that smell anywhere from my many training seminars with the DEA, FBI,TSA, NCIS and others.  Well, it is a party.  Now, where’s that lovely wife of yours?

I was in shock.  He was cool about what was going on out back too.  I guess he figured as long as they don’t drive and keep it outside, hey It’s New Years.  I quickly regained my senses and dragged him over to meet Carol.

  11:45 pm  Some red-eyed wastiod tugged at my sleeve and said “Dude, dude you a friend of Billy’s?” 

Agent 54:  Yeah, is he okay?

Wastiod:  Uh, what do you mean by Okay?

Agent 54:  Where is he?

  11:48 pm  The wastiod led me to find Billy Idol out back, face down in the vomit filled grass with his butt up in the air and Lady Gaga leaning on it.  She’s singing something I’ve never heard before in between taking large gulps from a large liquor bottle. 

Agent 54:  Okay give me a hand,,,

I look around and nobody but, Billy and Gaga are there.  Was the wastiod a ghost or something?  Who knows?

  11:59 pm  I barely got those two into my 1998 Mercury Mountaineer, slammed the door and ran back to the party.  I have to find and tell Carol where I’m going or she will panic and call the police or worse, tell Gadget that I’m missing.  All the way back I’m wondering how much damage Billy and Gaga could be doing to my truck.

  12:01 am  A minute late.

Carol:  Where the hell were you?

At this point I know I have to tell her the entire story and somehow make her stay at the party while I drive the drunkies home.   As story time goes on and on I’m thinking that more and more damage is occurring in the truck and I start to panic.  What if one of those knuckleheads hot-wires my truck?

 
Nate Morrow with Talk To Sheep
12:04 am  I head for the exit.

 Agent 54:   I got to go!  I’ll fill you in on the rest of the details later!

Carol:  Yeah whatever!

As I pass through the doorway I’m thinking “why did I volunteer for this?”  I get to the truck, open the driver’s door and see alcohol and vomit soaked clothing all over the front seats.  I glimpse back to see the nearly naked drunkies doing what nearly naked drunkies do.

Agent 54:  Put your seat belts on you two!

Of course they ignore me and I start the truck and pull out slowly.  Looking back at the door of the cafeteria where the party is, I see my wife in the doorway with her hands on her hips.  Great!  This is gonna be a fine start to a fine New Year.

  As I drive, I begin to relax.  No problems.  I’m driving and I’m sober.  The drunkies haven’t seemed to even notice that we’re on the road to Gaga’s hotel (there’s only one hotel in town so it’s got to be hers)  What could go wrong?  ROADBLOCK!  A sobriety check-point ahead.

Agent 54:  Drunkies! Get your clothes on.  We got a shitload of cops up ahead!  Get dressed right now dammit!

I guess it was the word “cops” that sobered them up enough to attempt to redress themselves.  I was grabbing wet (I didn’t know which was soaked in booze or vomit, yuk!) clothing and tossing it into the back seat.  As I take a final look in the mirror before speaking to the officer I see something amazing.  The drunkies are both reasonably dressed with seat belts on but, they had switched some articles of clothing and they both had their hair and make-up messed up so bad that I couldn’t tell which one was which.  No matter, time to talk to the cop.

  12:24 am  I did it!  I handled the cop like a pro.  I mean, I just told him the truth but, I was still worried.  I mean I smelled like a liquor store because the drunkies clothing was soaked with it.  Oh, no.  A wet sock hits me in the head and lands on the dashboard.  I look in the mirror. 

Agent 54:  Can’t you two wait until we get to the Hotel?  It’s just another 10 minutes for Yoda’s sake!

  12:35 am  We arrive at the hotel and I tell the drunkies to get dressed again.

  12:45 am  I got the twenty something aged valet to help me and we get the half-dressed drunkies out of my truck.  I spot a puddle of vomit on the back seat floor that I was previously unaware of.

Valet:  Hey dude, is this Billy Idol?

Agent 54:  Naw kid, It’s a look-a-like we hired for the New Year’s party.  (what are friends for?).

Valet:  Wow, he looks just like him only older and drunker.

  12:55 am  We finally win our struggle to get the drunkies into the room and flop them each on the double bed.  Billy is unconscious.

Lady Gaga:  (slurring both words)  Thanks Bob. (She immediately passes out.)

Valet:  Who’s Bob?

Agent 54:  You are!  C’mon Bob, let’s get the hell out of here.

   1:05 am  The valet got me a bucket and a sponge and some Mr. Clean and I’m scrubbing vomit out of my truck in the hotel parking lot.  What a glorious way to start the New Year.  Happy 2014!  It’s all soup and nuts from here.


   1:15 am  I’m on the road back to the party and I’m reviewing the night’s events in my head.  I may have saved my friend’s and possibly some other driver’s lives by doing my disgusting duties.  That makes me feel good and I figure I’ll probably do it again next year.  Yeah, I guess, all’s well that ends well.  Now, just how much of this story do I try to explain to Carol?