Agent 54 here again.
The New Year is approaching fast and that means New Year’s Parties. Of course I am one of the “designated
drivers” for our party at the NSA because I don’t drink. I’m okay with doing that because I want my
friends to get home safely and I usually get some good stories out of the dumb
stuff that happens when people drink too much.
I’ve prepared by loading my truck with barf-bags, breath mints, a first
aid kit, fire extinguisher and extra towels and blankets. Just sayin, better safe than sorry.
I’ll give you updates
here as the party goes on and I’ll have to finish this report tomorrow because
I can’t write and drive at this time. It
should be an interesting night because we have so many unusual personalities
working at the Nominal Secrets Apparatus and they can each bring a guest. Let the good times roll!
10:34 pm New Year’s Eve: My wife Carol and I got here about an hour ago and helped set things up. We’re in the huge cafeteria and it’s all decorated and there’s enough booze here get the whole town drunk. I’ve introduced my wife to my friends and met their wives and/or girlfriends as they have come in. Right now, I kicking back at a table by myself with a Dr. Pepper and a funny hat and I feel like Forrest Gump in NYC at New Years. My wife is gabbing away in a lady circle with new friends she’s already made like Mrs. Gasket, Lovely Rita-Meter Maid, Agent 99, Flo and Madge as the room quickly fills.

11.04 pm New Year’s Eve: Billy is whaling “with a rebel yell” and the
place is rockin. Now it’s a party. Lady Gaga is whaling with Billy and it works.
11:16 pm New Year’s
Eve: My table has filled up as my buddy John
Rambo has joined me. As usual, he has no
shirt on and is wearing a black bow-tie.
He has already attracted Flo and Madge over to the table. Billy, with Lady Gaga all over him, threw his
leather vest over the chair next to me and then the two of them
disappeared. I think there’s a smoky
little party going on just outside the back door of this building. I don’t care as long as they don’t drive.
11:28 pm New Year’s
Eve: I’ve been trying to sell Rambo on
my Batman The Moron movie idea
but, I’m sensing he’s not all that interested.
Flo and Madge are ogling John and I sense that he would rather be
somewhere else. Madge says she’s retired
from Palmolive and working at the NSA part-time. Her nails still look good. Flo said she’s here with the Geico Gecko but
I haven’t seen the little green bugger all night. In fact, I never seen him at work
either. Maybe he’s on the night-shift?

11:32 pm New Year’s
Eve: Uh oh, here comes Gadget. I like Inspector Gadget enough but, I don’t
want him to find out what’s going on out back.
He would probably start trouble and get his butt whupped and that would
not be cool and I would have to go try to save him and I’d probably end up
getting my butt whupped and I just don’t need all that tonight. Shhhhh! Here he comes.
Inspector Gadget: Good
Evening everyone. Fine party, wouldn’t
you say?
Rambo: Great! I gotta take a leak. (Rambo gets up and leaves).
Inspector Gadget: Yes
well, Agent 54, I trust there is no Rum in that Dr. Pepper you have there. I know that you and I are both Designated
Drivers tonight.
Agent 54: Nothing but
Dr. Pepper here. I take my job
seriously. Say Inspector, have you met
my wife, Carol? (I get up and try to
lead the Inspector away to where my wife is still yaking but, he stops me).
Inspector Gadget: Wait
a minute! That smell. You know what that is?
Agent 54: (nervously)
Uh, I think I stepped on a cow pie on the way in and,,,
Inspector Gadget: (interrupting)
No, that’s the smell of Marijuana. I’d
know that smell anywhere from my many training seminars with the DEA, FBI,TSA,
NCIS and others. Well, it is a party. Now, where’s that lovely wife of yours?
I was in shock. He was
cool about what was going on out back too.
I guess he figured as long as they don’t drive and keep it outside, hey
It’s New Years. I quickly regained my
senses and dragged him over to meet Carol.
11:45 pm Some red-eyed wastiod tugged at my sleeve and
said “Dude, dude you a friend of Billy’s?”
Agent 54: Yeah, is he
okay?
Wastiod: Uh, what do
you mean by Okay?
Agent 54: Where is he?
11:48 pm The wastiod led me to find Billy Idol out
back, face down in the vomit filled grass with his butt up in the air and Lady
Gaga leaning on it. She’s singing
something I’ve never heard before in between taking large gulps from a large
liquor bottle.
Agent 54: Okay give me
a hand,,,
I look around and nobody but, Billy and Gaga are there. Was the wastiod a ghost or something? Who knows?
11:59 pm I barely got those two into my 1998 Mercury
Mountaineer, slammed the door and ran back to the party. I have to find and tell Carol where I’m going
or she will panic and call the police or worse, tell Gadget that I’m missing. All the way back I’m wondering how much damage
Billy and Gaga could be doing to my truck.
12:01 am A minute late.
Carol: Where the hell
were you?
At this point I know I have to tell her the entire story and
somehow make her stay at the party while I drive the drunkies home. As story time goes on and on I’m thinking
that more and more damage is occurring in the truck and I start to panic. What if one of those knuckleheads hot-wires
my truck?
Agent 54: I got to go!
I’ll fill you in on the rest of the details later!
Carol: Yeah whatever!
As I pass through the doorway I’m thinking “why did I
volunteer for this?” I get to the truck,
open the driver’s door and see alcohol and vomit soaked clothing all over the
front seats. I glimpse back to see the
nearly naked drunkies doing what nearly naked drunkies do.
Agent 54: Put your
seat belts on you two!
Of course they ignore me and I start the truck and pull out
slowly. Looking back at the door of the
cafeteria where the party is, I see my wife in the doorway with her hands on
her hips. Great! This is gonna be a fine start to a fine New
Year.
As I drive, I begin
to relax. No problems. I’m driving and I’m sober. The drunkies haven’t seemed to even notice
that we’re on the road to Gaga’s hotel (there’s only one hotel in town so it’s
got to be hers) What could go
wrong? ROADBLOCK! A sobriety check-point ahead.

I guess it was the word “cops” that sobered them up enough to
attempt to redress themselves. I was
grabbing wet (I didn’t know which was soaked in booze or vomit, yuk!) clothing
and tossing it into the back seat. As I
take a final look in the mirror before speaking to the officer I see something
amazing. The drunkies are both
reasonably dressed with seat belts on but, they had switched some articles of
clothing and they both had their hair and make-up messed up so bad that I
couldn’t tell which one was which. No
matter, time to talk to the cop.
12:24 am I did it!
I handled the cop like a pro. I
mean, I just told him the truth but, I was still worried. I mean I smelled like a liquor store because
the drunkies clothing was soaked with it.
Oh, no. A wet sock hits me in the
head and lands on the dashboard. I look
in the mirror.
Agent 54: Can’t
you two wait until we get to the Hotel?
It’s just another 10 minutes for Yoda’s sake!
12:35 am We arrive at the hotel and I tell the
drunkies to get dressed again.
12:45 am I got the twenty something aged valet to help
me and we get the half-dressed drunkies out of my truck. I spot a puddle of vomit on the back seat
floor that I was previously unaware of.
Valet: Hey dude, is
this Billy Idol?
Agent 54: Naw kid,
It’s a look-a-like we hired for the New Year’s party. (what are friends for?).
Valet: Wow, he looks
just like him only older and drunker.
12:55 am We finally win our struggle to get the
drunkies into the room and flop them each on the double bed. Billy is unconscious.
Lady Gaga: (slurring
both words) Thanks Bob. (She immediately
passes out.)
Valet: Who’s Bob?
Agent 54: You
are! C’mon Bob, let’s get the hell out
of here.
1:05 am The valet got me a bucket and a sponge and
some Mr. Clean and I’m scrubbing vomit out of my truck in the hotel parking
lot. What a glorious way to start the
New Year. Happy 2014! It’s all soup and nuts from here.
1:15 am I’m on the road back to the party and I’m reviewing the night’s events in my head. I may have saved my friend’s and possibly some other driver’s lives by doing my disgusting duties. That makes me feel good and I figure I’ll probably do it again next year. Yeah, I guess, all’s well that ends well. Now, just how much of this story do I try to explain to Carol?
That's one party I'm very glad I missed. Now I have confirmation that staying home New Years is a smart idea! You can never tell when Billy Idol is gonna show up!
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, and Lady Gaga can party too. Thanks for visiting and Happy New Year!
DeleteHappy New Year to Agent 54. And all previous 53 agents.
ReplyDeleteHealth and happiness for 2014.
Thank you. 2014 should be a very interesting year for the NSA under the DORD.
DeleteOh my. I got lost at your party and I'm sure Evil Twin is still there somewhere. I'm glad you made it home safely.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year!
There was a lot of people there and a lot of alcohol. I'm glad you made it safely to 2014. Thanks for playing.
DeleteI wouldn't help Lady Gaga with anything. I'm just saying. I also wouldn't do what you did either. As for Carol? I'm thinking she'll understand.
ReplyDeleteHave a fabulous day and a very happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. :)
Well, she was Billy's guest for the night so,,,
DeleteLet's all have a Happy New Year with lots of laughs for everyone and $728,000.00 for me.
Whenever Lady Gaga is present, there will always be a sandwich to eat. Happy New Year.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I never heard that before but, that night I really wasn't very hungry.
DeleteHappy New Year to everyone & $728,000.00 for me!
Man, I need to crash some of these parties! The NSA knows how to throw down! And throw up!
ReplyDeleteWe just sat on the couch in our underwear and watched the ball drop on TV with a bottle of wine. Stay classy! Happy New Year!
The party was rocking for a little while. I used to work at Intel with the Guitar player from Talk To Sheep, Nate Morrow. He is a funny guy.
DeleteA Happy and Regular New Year to you!
Note to self - do not attend parties with Agent 54.
ReplyDeleteWell, at least I'll get you home safely. You may wind up in a story but, you'll be safe.
DeleteThanks for playing.
Would it be too pushy if I ask for an invitation to next years NY Eve party? All my favorites were at yours. No wonder mine sucked!!
ReplyDeleteI'll see what I can do. You know I'm kinda like a star there.
DeleteThanks for playing.
What a night that was! Whew, hope you got rested...
ReplyDeleteI'm good to go but I bet Gaga had a two day hangover.
DeleteThanks for playing.
Your party sounds a heck of a lot better than the party I had. Sitting around playing board games with the husband, sipping on sparkling grape juice lol. I'm crashing your party next year!
ReplyDeleteI'll see if I can get you an invitation for next year. You know, I have some pull at the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA).
DeleteThanks for playing.
Stars are over rated. I liked hanging out with family and friends. Happy New Years.
ReplyDeletehttp://joycelansky.blogspot.com
That maybe true however, stars need friends and family too.
DeleteThanks for playing. Happy New Year!
Well I'm jealous I would love to have gone to the party if only to meet Madge & Flo LOL
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year to you and all the best for 2014 :-)
I'm making a list. I'll have to pull some strings but, I think I got it covered.
DeleteThanks for playing.
Thanks for the recent visits to Obama Cartoon and TOTUS
ReplyDeleteMy pleasure. Happy New Year!
DeleteYou had quite a night ;) Happy New year!!!
ReplyDeleteYes, well you gotta do what you gotta do. Thanks for playing and Happy New Year!
DeleteFancy entertainment you've got going on at that party. :) I'm always the DD too, which is fine by me. ;) Happy New Year to you! And thanks for linking to Super Sunday Sync!
ReplyDeleteSuper Sunday is my pleasure. Being a DD is like being a superhero in a small way. Happy New Year!
DeleteNew Eve's party are a never good idea, especially when Inspector Gadget and Rambo are at the party! #FridayFrolics
ReplyDeleteGadget can be a real party pooper.
DeleteThanks for visiting and commenting.
How would you like to serve as Friday Frivolities' designated driver? Operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated is bad, but getting behind a keyboard while drunk can lead to some very scary things as well.
ReplyDelete;)
Yes, I don't drink and write.
DeleteThanks for playing.
Wow what a party! Idol and Gaga...#FridayFrolics
ReplyDeleteYes, it was quite a blast. I'm glad I could keep my friends safe.
DeleteHappy New Year!
Never have i been more relieved that I prefer to stay home than become the "designated driver" haha... what a party! Thanks for linking up with #sharethejoylinky
ReplyDeleteYes it was.
DeleteThanks for playing.
I didn't know Billy Idol had so much life left in him! You do live a very interesting life Agent 54...! #BlogCrush
ReplyDeleteYes, Billy is surprising. Thank you.
DeleteThanks so much for sharing with us on Full Plate Thursday,465 and hope you are having a great week!
ReplyDeleteMiz Helen
Thank you for visiting.
Delete