Wednesday, January 1, 2014
New Year’s Party at the NSA
Agent 54 here again. The New Year is approaching fast and that means New Year’s Parties. Of course I am one of the “designated drivers” for our party at the NSA because I don’t drink. I’m okay with doing that because I want my friends to get home safely and I usually get some good stories out of the dumb stuff that happens when people drink too much. I’ve prepared by loading my truck with barf-bags, breath mints, a first aid kit, fire extinguisher and extra towels and blankets. Just sayin, better safe than sorry.
I’ll give you updates here as the party goes on and I’ll have to finish this report tomorrow because I can’t write and drive at this time. It should be an interesting night because we have so many unusual personalities working at the Nominal Secrets Apparatus and they can each bring a guest. Let the good times roll!
10:34 pm New Year’s Eve: My wife Carol and I got here about an hour ago and helped set things up. We’re in the huge cafeteria and it’s all decorated and there’s enough booze here get the whole town drunk. I’ve introduced my wife to my friends and met their wives and/or girlfriends as they have come in. Right now, I kicking back at a table by myself with a Dr. Pepper and a funny hat and I feel like Forrest Gump in NYC at New Years. My wife is gabbing away in a lady circle with new friends she’s already made like Mrs. Gasket, Lovely Rita-Meter Maid, Agent 99, Flo and Madge as the room quickly fills.
11:02 pm New Year’s Eve: My buddy Billy Idol just walked into the room with Lady Gaga and everybody shouted out for him. He’s enjoying the limelight like the Rock Star he was and he looks half-drunk already. He and lady Gaga took the stage with the local band that was hired for the night named Talk To Sheep featuring Nate Morrow on guitar.
11.04 pm New Year’s Eve: Billy is whaling “with a rebel yell” and the place is rockin. Now it’s a party. Lady Gaga is whaling with Billy and it works.
11:16 pm New Year’s Eve: My table has filled up as my buddy John Rumble has joined me. As usual, he has no shirt on and is wearing a black bow-tie. He has already attracted Flo and Madge over to the table. Billy, with Lady Gaga all over him, threw his leather vest over the chair next to me and then the two of them disappeared. I think there’s a smoky little party going on just outside the back door of this building. I don’t care as long as they don’t drive.
11:28 pm New Year’s Eve: I’ve been trying to sell Rumble on my Batman The Moron movie idea but, I’m sensing he’s not all that interested. Flo and Madge are ogling John and I sense that he would rather be somewhere else. Madge says she’s retired from Palmolive and working at the NSA part-time. Her nails still look good. Flo said she’s here with the Geico Gecko but I haven’t seen the little green bugger all night. In fact, I never seen him at work either. Maybe he’s on the night-shift?
11:29 pm New Year’s Eve: My boss, H. Cuffs is making the rounds and he stopped by my table. H. Cuffs is still pleased that I caught Yogi Bear before he could bust Boo Boo out of the slammer but, the thing is, the judge let Boo Boo out a week later under Ranger Smith’s recognizance. Oh well, at least I scored a brownie point with H. Cuffs.
11:32 pm New Year’s Eve: Uh oh, here comes Gasket. I like Commander Gasket enough but, I don’t want him to find out what’s going on out back. He would probably start trouble and get his butt whupped and that would not be cool and I would have to go try to save him and I’d probably end up getting my butt whupped and I just don’t need all that tonight. Shhhhh! Here he comes.
Commander Gasket: Good Evening everyone. Fine party, wouldn’t you say?
Rambo: Great! I gotta take a leak. (Rumble gets up and leaves).
Commander Gasket: Yes well, Agent 54, I trust there is no Rum in that Dr. Pepper you have there. I know that you and I are both Designated Drivers tonight.
Agent 54: Nothing but Dr. Pepper here. I take my job seriously. Say Inspector, have you met my wife, Carol? (I get up and try to lead the inspector away to where my wife is still yaking but, he stops me).
Commander Gasket: Wait a minute! That smell. You know what that is?
Agent 54: (nervously) Uh, I think I stepped on a cow pie on the way in and,,,
Commander Gasket: (interrupting) No, that’s the smell of Marijuana. I’d know that smell anywhere from my many training seminars with the DEA, FBI,TSA, NCIS and others. Well, it is a party. Now, where’s that lovely wife of yours?
I was in shock. He was cool about what was going on out back too. I guess he figured as long as they don’t drive and keep it outside, hey It’s New Years. I quickly regained my senses and dragged him over to meet Carol.
11:45 pm Some red-eyed wastiod tugged at my sleeve and said “Dude, dude you a friend of Billy’s?”
Agent 54: Yeah, is he okay?
Wastiod: Uh, what do you mean by Okay?
Agent 54: Where is he?
11:48 pm The wastiod led me to find Billy Idol out back, face down in the vomit filled grass with his butt up in the air and Lady Gaga leaning on it. She’s singing something I’ve never heard before in between taking large gulps from a large liquor bottle.
Agent 54: Okay give me a hand,,,
I look around and nobody but, Billy and Gaga are there. Was the wastiod a ghost or something? Who knows?
11:59 pm I barely got those two into my 1998 Mercury Mountaineer, slammed the door and ran back to the party. I have to find and tell Carol where I’m going or she will panic and call the police or worse, tell Gadget that I’m missing. All the way back I’m wondering how much damage Billy and Gaga could be doing to my truck.
12:01 am A minute late.
Carol: Where the hell were you?
At this point I know I have to tell her the entire story and somehow make her stay at the party while I drive the drunkies home. As story time goes on and on I’m thinking that more and more damage is occurring in the truck and I start to panic. What if one of those knuckleheads hot-wires my truck?
Agent 54: I got to go! I’ll fill you in on the rest of the details later!
Carol: Yeah whatever!
As I pass through the doorway I’m thinking “why did I volunteer for this?” I get to the truck, open the driver’s door and see alcohol and vomit soaked clothing all over the front seats. I glimpse back to see the nearly naked drunkies doing what nearly naked drunkies do.
Agent 54: Put your seat belts on you two!
Of course they ignore me and I start the truck and pull out slowly. Looking back at the door of the cafeteria where the party is, I see my wife in the doorway with her hands on her hips. Great! This is gonna be a fine start to a fine New Year.
As I drive, I begin to relax. No problems. I’m driving and I’m sober. The drunkies haven’t seemed to even notice that we’re on the road to Gaga’s hotel (there’s only one hotel in town so it’s got to be hers) What could go wrong? ROADBLOCK! A sobriety check-point ahead.
Agent 54: Drunkies! Get your clothes on. We got a shitload of cops up ahead! Get dressed right now dammit!
I guess it was the word “cops” that sobered them up enough to attempt to redress themselves. I was grabbing wet (I didn’t know which was soaked in booze or vomit, yuk!) clothing and tossing it into the back seat. As I take a final look in the mirror before speaking to the officer I see something amazing. The drunkies are both reasonably dressed with seat belts on but, they had switched some articles of clothing and they both had their hair and make-up messed up so bad that I couldn’t tell which one was which. No matter, time to talk to the cop.
12:24 am I did it! I handled the cop like a pro. I mean, I just told him the truth but, I was still worried. I mean I smelled like a liquor store because the drunkies clothing was soaked with it. Oh, no. A wet sock hits me in the head and lands on the dashboard. I look in the mirror.
Agent 54: Can’t you two wait until we get to the Hotel? It’s just another 10 minutes for Yoda’s sake!
12:35 am We arrive at the hotel and I tell the drunkies to get dressed again.
12:45 am I got the twenty something aged valet to help me and we get the half-dressed drunkies out of my truck. I spot a puddle of vomit on the back seat floor that I was previously unaware of.
Valet: Hey dude, is this Billy Idol?
Agent 54: Naw kid, It’s a look-a-like we hired for the New Year’s party. (what are friends for?).
Valet: Wow, he looks just like him only older and drunker.
12:55 am We finally win our struggle to get the drunkies into the room and flop them on each on their own double bed. Billy is unconscious.
Lady Gaga: (slurring both words) Thanks Bob. (She immediately passes out.)
Valet: Who’s Bob?
Agent 54: You are! C’mon Bob, let’s get the hell out of here.
1:05 am The valet got me a bucket and a sponge and some Mr. Clean and I’m scrubbing vomit out of my truck in the hotel parking lot. What a glorious way to start the New Year. Happy 2014! It’s all soup and nuts from here.
1:15 am I’m on the road back to the party and I’m reviewing the night’s events in my head. I may have saved my friend’s and possibly some other driver’s lives by doing my disgusting duties. That makes me feel good and I figure I’ll probably do it again next year. Yeah, I guess, all’s well that ends well. Now, just how much of this story do I try to explain to Carol?