Varmints in Love

  Agent 54 here again.  Okay, let me see a show of hands. How many of you like to hang out in a cool bar sometimes and just relax and be yourself.  I’ll take a count, 1,2,3,4,,,,,okay 27.  Yeah, sometimes you just want to be around people who know where you are coming from.  Oh,,, you can put your hands down now. Sorry.  Archie Bunker’s Place is that kind of bar.  And, who knows, sometimes you might get lucky. 

Let’s listen and look in on a typical night at Archie Bunker’s Place.

Scene:  As you walk in, the bar is along the far wall going left to right.  The opposite wall has 4 booths and the far right of the bar has an old jukebox and a pool table.  Seated at the left end of the bar is Alf and he’s wearing my blue Hawaiian shirt that I lent him 5  years ago and he never returned (that SOB).  Next to Alf is Rocket J. Squirrel of Rocky & Bullwinkle fame and he’s talking to a cute little chipmunk chick called Roxanne next to him.  There’s a couple of bikers and at the far end is the White Spy from Spy vs. Spy.  There are a few patrons in the booths.  Let’s listen to the conversation.

Rocky:  Yeah, Bullwinkle is a nice guy but, he’s not the brightest star in the sky.  I have to spend half my rehearsal time helping him read his lines.

Alf

Roxanne: (giggles coyly)

Alf:  BuuuuuRP!

Biker Dude:  Whoa, nice one Alf.

Other Biker Dude:  Yeah, did ya get any on ya?  (he better not ruin my damn shirt!)

Suddenly the bar door flies open and Chip of Chip & Dale steps into the doorway.   All eyes turn to the doorway except Rocky’s.  Rocky faces forward and sips his beer.

Chip:  Hey!  That’s my squirrel-friend.

Sensing trouble, the bar patrons, including Roxanne slowly start to back away from Rocky.  Alf passes out and falls to the dirty floor (that rat fink!).

Rocky:  (with his back to Chip in the doorway)  Did somebody squeak something?

Chip:  You heard me flyboy.

Rocky & Bullwinkle

Archie Bunker:  Now boys, I don’t want no commotion in here like last time. I just got the place fixed up again.

Rocky: (turning to face Chip)  You talkin to me, you talking to me, who the hell else, you talkin to me, well I’m the only one here, you talkin to me?

Chip: Roxanne is my girl and I don’t want her talking to strange rodents.

Rocky:  That’s big talk comin from a little rat like you.

Chip:  We maybe small but, there’s two of us. (Dale jumps up to be side by side with Chip).

Rocky:  That’s it.  We on like Donkey Kong.  (I don’t know what that means)

Chip & Dale

Rocky flies at Chip & Dale as they charge him.  The three loveable varmints are entangled in a heck of a fracas.  Roxanne screams and runs out the back door.  Broken beer bottles, pool balls,  chairs and tables fly.  Things get gnawed.  A beer gets spilled on Alf, temporarily waking him up (and ruining my shirt, I’m gonna kick his furry butt).

Archie:  I’m callin the cops!

The fracas finds its way out the door and continues down the side walk.

Archie: (Yelling down the street from the doorway)  Don’t you nutballs come back never again!

Archie surveys the damage.

Archie:  Aaawwww cheese and crackers, will ya look at the mess they made.  I shoulda known it was trouble letting rodents in the place.

Wow, poor Archie and what fight!  I hope everyone is okay.  I guess we learned that Love sure can drive you out of your mind.

Yabba Dabba Do!
Groundhog Day