Agent 54 : Is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. He works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. He reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
Monday, April 6, 2015
20 Hours with the Boys
It started with
a panicked call from my friend
Trey. He and Matt were called away to
Hollywood for a big emergency meeting and they needed me to baby sit the 4
boys, Eric, Stan, Kyle and Kenny for a day. Their timing couldn’t have been worse because
my wife is out of town visiting her parents.
Wait, It’s only 4 boys. It’s not 4
Honey Badgers. No problem, right? Yeah
I had an hour to
prepare so I rushed to the store to pick up the Sharknado CD, Snaky Cakes,
Cheesy Poofs, Ice Cream and Batteries.When I got home I quickly removed all breakable objects from the living
room-campground and found all my extra blankets, pillows and flashlights.I’d let the boys pretend they were camping by
draping blankets over the furniture and using flashlights.Brilliant eh?So I thought.
1:35 pm The adventure begins. Matt and Trey drop the boys off and thank me
a disgusting number of times.No
problem, right. Yeah right.
1:55pm After answering several philosophical
questions about why bald men choose to grow Goatees, I have the boys sitting,
watching Sharknado and eating Snaky Cakes.
The plan is to save the Cheesy Poofs
for more troubling times. No
problem, right. Yeah right.
4:00pm The boys have convinced me to take them
outside. They want to see “Arizona
Wildlife” like Coyotes, Roadrunners, Gila Monsters, Tarantulas and
Buzzards. I tell them that is not likely
where I live but they insist. I’ll take
them to the lake. No problem, right. Yeah right.
4:10pm The lake is beautiful. The sun is shining as usual and it is hot.
The birds are singing as I walk with the boys on the path between the lake and
the canal. We approach the water too
look for fish. Often large Carp…WHACK!
WHACK! WHACK! What the hell? I turn and see Eric cracking a stick across a
terrified turtle’s back.
Agent 54: NO!, Knock it off!
Eric: Bad turtle. Respect my Authori-tie! WHACK!
I quickly grab the poor turtle and narrowly miss being
whacked by Eric’s stick.
Agent 54: Eric, you
just can’t whack living things with sticks.
I release the animal
into the lake and swims away faster than Michael Phelps at the Olympics,
apparently only emotionally damaged.
Eric: It was a bad
turtle. I told it to get back in the
lake and it didn’t respect my Authori-tie.
4:13 pm I’m not sure how to explain the reasons for
what followed. I guess the demon on my
left shoulder got my ear while the angel on the right took a nap. I decided that I would have nature teach
little Eric a lesson. No problem, right? Yeah right.
Agent 54: C’mon boys
let’s look for a Great Blue Heron nest.
I knew exactly where to find multiple Great Blue Herons nests.
Hoo hoo haa haa (evil laughter). For
those who don’t know, Great Blue Herons are large waterfowl that make huge
poops. They like to nest in large, noisy
communities in the tops of their favorite pine trees.
Agent 54: Eric, stand
right here (under the tree) and look up.
Great Blue Herron
4:16 pm There are many mysteries in life. So many unanswered questions. In this case these are a few of the questions
one might have: Did that bird see little
Eric whacking the turtle and therefore he decided on his own to enact his
version of revenge on Eric? Did Agent 54
make a psychic connection with the bird and then did I give it an unconscious
signal to let loose at that exact moment?
Was it just a happy coincidence?
We may never know but, as I backed away and Eric turned his mirrored
sunglasses skyward,,, SPLAT! The
biggest bird poop ever splattered poor little Eric’s entire head.
Still 4:16 pm The three boys and I bust out laughing
uncontrollably as Eric stands in stunned silence,,,and then he starts to
wale. Eric’s very loud crying zaps me
back to reality. I’m responsible for
these 4 lads including Eric. I
frantically try to wipe poop off Eric’s head with my do-rag as I poor water
from my bottle on him. I look around and
try to guess which parent in the park is calling the cops on their cell phone
and which is filming this for a later posting to YouTube.
Agent 54: C’mon Kids,
back to the apartment for baths and dinner.
4:18pm All four boys are covered in poop or mud or
grass or something. Eric got bird bombed
and the others have been rolling on the ground laughing for 2 minutes non-stop. No problem, right. Yeah right.
8:43pm I’m exhausted. The damage done to my wife’s
bathroom will live in infamy. One load
of laundry is in the washer and one is in the dryer. The boys are all bathed, fed and in their
PJs. They are setting up camp in the living room as
I type. I don’t know what they are
watching on the T.V. and I don’t care.
I’ve been longing for a little me time to relax an…..zzzzzzz,zzzzzz,zzzzzz WHA!!!
MAN OVERBOARD! WHA, I’m, I'm all wet.
Agent 54: WHAT THE
8:57pm I charge into the campground to find 4
Angelic boys pretending to sleep.
Agent 54: WHAT THE
Boys all at once: ZZZZZZ,
I spy a Dixie cup on
the floor and realize that my wetness centers around my left ear and then I
know what the hell. The boys waited
until I dozed off at the keyboard and then poured a cup of water in my ear. No problem, aw shut up!
8:58pm As I find my computer chair I hear Eric fart
(yes I can tell it was him) and all the boys crack up. Shortly, they begin mocking my “Man
Overboard” call. Hey!, it was part of my
11:03pm The laughter and farting has died down. I sneak into the quiet campground and open the
sliding glass door a crack. I dare not
go to bed less one of these knuckleheads pulls a fire alarm or something. I’ll just curl up on the couch and try to
catch a cat nap.
6:15am The night was relatively calm a few cups of
water, a few bathroom visits. I managed
to get some sleep but, woke with a stiff neck from the couch. Coffee and Advil, now please!
6:23am As the coffee and sunlight show me an
increasingly detailed view of the campground I see that nearly everything has
orange smudges on it and the carpet appears to be much more crunchy than
usual. Ah yes, the Cheesy Poofs. Maybe not the wisest idea.
Eric: Agent 54, why
did that birdie crap on me?
unprepared for such a straight forward, probing question. I can’t tell him I planned it. Nobody would believe that and nobody would
buy the story that sweet little Eric deserved it. Wait, maybe I should bullshit him into
thinking I can control birds with my mind.
Wait maybe I did control the bird with my mind. Huh?
Agent 54: I dunno.
9:16am Trey is here to pick up the boys. As I open the door he sticks his head in,
looks at what’s left of the campground and just starts to laugh. I have to laugh too.
As I hug each of them and say good bye I still find myself looking
for orange smudges to wipe off before letting them go.