Sunday, May 31, 2015

Ron Burgundy In New York

  Agent 54 here again.  Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the Presidential race.   It was a great race for Ron.  Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail. 

  Blitzed Wolfer:  Hello, I’m Blitzed Wolfer on the campaign trail for CAN, the Cable Ass Network.  I’m here at the Rockefeller Center with Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy.  Mr. Burgundy, how are you?

Ron Burgundy:  Please Blitzed call me Ron, I’m just great and happy to be here in The Big Apple, otherwise known Blitzed, as New York City.

Blitzed:  Yes, yes I knew that. How’s your campaign going?

Ron:  Well, we just finished a Brainstorming tour of…

Blitzed: (interrupting) Uh, you mean Barnstorming.

Excited Voter Salutes Burgundy Campaign Bus
Ron: Barnsforming?

Blitzed: No, Barnstorming.

Ron: Bronzstoring?, Bondsnoring?

Blitzed: No, Barnstorming.

Ron:  …tour of the Midwest.  It was heartwarming to be out with those hearty people who make up the heart and soul of the heartland of this great country.

Blitzed:  So, you like being on the road?

Ron:  Well there Blitzed, it gets lonely out there on the road.  Of course I do have my campaign people like Campaign Chairman The Only Wendy Shade and Finance Director/Spiritual Adviser Howard, Campaign Volunteers Maureen, John and Tim but, other than those 5 people, I’m all alone, oh yeah and the bus driver.

Blitzed:  So what brings you to New York City?

Ron:  The bus. (under his breath) duh?

Blitzed:  No, I meant why are you here?

Ron:  I’m here to participate in the Triennial Liver Festival.  The organizers were kind enough to let me ride in the parade with Grand Marshall John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt and Miss Liver 2019, Rachel Maddow.  It should be great fun for all.  Why don’t you join me for a Liver Kabob or two, Blitzed?

Blitzed:  Uh, no thanks, I have a previous engagement.  What do you think of the Mayor’s race here in New York?

Ron:  Well, I heard they’re gonna have a Weiner and a loser.  Ha ha,,,ha ha,,,ha ha ha.  I’m so funny.

Blitzed:  Uh, yeah, uh.

Woman going by on bicycle shouts:  Ron Burgundy your hair is a work of art.

Ron:  Thank you sweetheart.  Ah, that never gets old.

Blitzed: What does the future hold for the Ron Burgundy campaign?

Ron:  We’re gonna take that bus and crisscross all of America to talk to all Americans all over the world to tell them that Ron Burgundy wants to be President for all of them.

Passerby in a car yells:  Smelly Pirate Hookers!  Whoo hoo!

Ron & Blitzed look at each other for an uncomfortable 2 seconds.

Ron:  I didn’t hear anything.

Blitzed: Neither did I.   Thank you Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy.  This is Blitzed Wolfer on the campaign trail in New York City for CAN.

Ron:  Let’s Stay Classy America.

 Wow!  How exciting! They say campaigns can be won or lost in New York City.  Ron Burgundy could be coming to a town near you soon.  Stay Classy!

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Yabba Dabba Do!

  Agent 54 here again.  You probably figured that the NSA has most bars and taverns bugged and we do.  We watched and listened in on Archie Bunker's Place, a neighborhood tavern in Astoria, Queens NY and found some interesting business was occurring between T.V. Stars Fred Flintstone and Ed Norton from the old Honeymooners show that ran in the 1950s.  Check it out:

Ed Norton:  Hey, there he is, Fred Flintstone in the flesh. It’s a great honor to meet up wit you.

Fred Flintstone:  Ed Norton you’re just the man I want to see.  Sit down, sit down.  Can I buy ya a beer?  Hey bartender, two Rolling Rocks on the double.

Ed:  Why thank ya there Freddy boy.  So, what’s the occasion?

Fred:  Well, ya probably heard that Barney and me, well, we’re on the outs.

Ed:  Naw!

Fred Flintstone
Fred:  Yup, it’s true, Barney wants to be on his own, the big star, the top banana, the cream del a crop…

Ed:  The cat’s meow.

Fred:  Exactly, he says I’m holding him down.

Ed:  Gee, that’s too bad Fred, good second fiddles don’t grow on no trees ya know.

Fred:  That’s why I wanted to talk to you.  You did such a great job as Ralph’s sidekick.  Why, it seemed like just a natural fit.  Whadda ya say?  Wanna be my second fiddle?

Ed:  Gee, I dunno there Freddy boy, I mean It’s been a long time since I done any fiddling around ya know.  Me and Ralphy boy were together a lot a years.  I gotta do some thinkin on it before I make a decision with this kind of monumentalness to it.

Alf: (from a dark corner of the bar and slurring his speech)  Don’t do it Eddd (burp) Once he’s got his hooks…..(burp)

Archie Bunker:  (bartender to Alf)   Hey why don’t you just stifle yourself over there, eh!  (to Fred and Ed)  Here’s your beers boys.  Don’t pay no nevermind to that furry drunk in the corner.  He’s just down cuz he can’t find no woik.

Fred:  Thanks Arch,  Ed you’ll love Bedrock.  I’ll get you a job in the quarry, oh you’ll love workin in the quarry.

Ed:  Yah, well coming from the NYC sewer system the quarry would be a step up.

Fred:  Hey, well go bowlin every Saturday night and you'll join the Loyal Order of Water Buffalo Lodge No. 26 and be my lodge brother, oh we'll have a gay ole time.

Ed:  Well, ya make it all sound rather inviting but, one thing, Betty, I mean how’s that gonna woik out.

Fred:  Don’t worry about a thing, I already talked to Betty and you’re in like Flynn. (winking)

Ed:  Ya, ya sure, wow! Boy it’ll be great to get back to woik.  I’ve been so bored I was about to go nutz.

Fred:  It will be great!  We’ll go down as one of the great comedy duets like Laurel & Hardy, Abbot and Costello….

Ed Norton
Ed: (interrupting) Nixon & Agnew

Alf:  Cagney & Lacey (burp)

Fred:  (Angrily)  Why don’t you shut up you intergalactic drunken bum!  (turning to Ed) Ed, whadda ya say?  Are we a team or are we a team?

Ed:  Whadda I say, whadda I say, I say we are a team there Freddy boy, a team from now on! (reaching out hands and shaking on it)


Fred and Ed walked out arms around each other like two true buddies as Alf passes out on the floor.  

Wow!  We witnessed comedy history.  I can’t wait to watch the new adventures of Fred & Ed.  

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Deep in the Heart of Texas

  Agent 54 here again.  Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the race to President Donald Trump.  It was a great race for Ron.  Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail.   

  We caught up with Ron on the Campaign bus, heading to the Double Tex Ranch somewhere deep in the heart of Texas where Ron has an appointment with a VIP campaign donor.   Campaign Manager, The Only Wendy Shade is going over the campaign plans as they pull into the ranch driveway.  A huge Ranch house can be see way down the driveway.

Ron:  Whoa!  This place is huge.

Wendy:  Focus Ron, now we’re going to drop you off and head into town to meet with the locals.

Ron:  What town?

Wendy:  Tim, what was that town on the map?

Tim:  Buffalo Gap.

Wendy:  Buffalo Gap!  Well, I hope there are more people there than Buffaloes.  Ron, now this guy you’re gonna meet is a really big shot and he wanted to have you stay overnight so he could get to know you.  You know what to do?

Ron:  Yes, kiss his butt early and often.

Wendy:  That’s right!  Kiss it upside down and sideways too, if you get the chance.  We’ll be back around lunch time tomorrow to pick you up and you better have a big check with you.

Ron:  I’ve got it.  What’s the old saying?  The bigger the butt the better the check or better the kiss the bigger the butt or,,,

Wendy:  (interrupting)  Ron! Focus!  This is no time to fool around.  You have to impress this guy if we’re gonna win this state.

 The bus stops in front of Ranch house and Ron hops out and approaches the large  front door.  As Ron steps onto the porch, the door opens and a butler speaks.

Butler:  Mr. Burgundy?

Ron:  That’s me.

Butler:  He’s waiting for you in the trophy room.  This way please.

  The butler leads Ron down a long hallway decorated by large oil paintings of generations of family.  At the end of the hall is a set of large oaken double doors with cowboys on horseback, charging hard, carved into them.  The butler opens the doors to a room the size of a Wal-Mart Super Store with 8 fireplaces and more different species of animals than you’ll find at the San Diego Zoo.  The animals are all very dead, beautifully stuffed and mounted.  The butler announces Ron as a very large man dressed in Cowboy boots, camouflage trousers, a buck skin hunting vest and a 10 gallon hat approaches.

Butler:  Ron Burgundy sir.      
Tex:  C’mon in here boy, Tex McTexson’s the name.  Nice to meet ya.  You don’t mind if I call ya boy, do ya boy?

The two men shake hands.  Tex makes Ron look like an elf in comparison.

Ron:  Ron, boy, either one will do.  Wow wee!  Did you shoot all these critters?

Tex:  Nah, my great granddaddy Tex started this collection.  My granddad Tex Son added to it.  Many of the animals that were shot were shot by my dad, Tex Texson  In this quarter of the room you got my personal Tex McTexson collection.  I only shot a few of these animals.

Ron:  Really, did the others have heart attacks or something?

Tex:  That’s funny boy!  I like you already. (slaps Ron on the back nearly knocking him over) Nah, I’ve been practicing new and different ways of hunting.  My new favorite way of taking an animal is by sneaking up on them and using a piece of piano wire strung through two blocks of wood, strangling them to death.  I saw that in one of them Godfather movies and thought I’d give it a try.

Ron:  There’s a Giraffe.

Tex:  Yeah, that was a tough SOB.  You ever try to shimmy up a Giraffe’s neck when he don’t want you there?   Boy, that was fun.

Ron:  So what’s the plan for us?  Could it possibly be “movie night”?

Tex:  Movie night!  Boy, you crack me up.  Hell no!  Being that you’re my guest, I’m gonna let you shoot a Whitetail Deer on my ranch.  Now tell me boy, have you ever killed anything bigger than a center city cockroach before?

Ron:  Well, a bird flew into the grill of my car.

Tex:  Uh huh, was it a Red Tailed Hawk by chance?

Ron:  Uh, I think it was a Finch or a Chickadee.

Tex:  Okay boy, I see we got some work to do so let’s head out to the shootin range for some practice and then we’ll go get an Indian.

Ron:  We’re not going to hunt Indians are we?

Tex:  Nah, we don’t do that no more.  We need an Indian to help track the deer.  Now hurry up boy, we got to get you outfitted with some gear and pick a horse for you and,,,

Ron:  (interrupting) We’re going by horseback?

Tex:  Hell ya.  Wada ya think you can take a bus to where the dear hangout.

Ron:  I just assumed we’d be walking.

Tex:  Walking?  On this ranch?  Do you know how many acres we got here?  Hell, I’m not even sure numbers go that high.

Ron:  Well, I don’t have much experience on a real horse.

Tex:  Don’t worry boy, the horse has experience.  Now let’s git goin.  We’re burnin daylight.

Tex leads Ron out the back door to the tackle area.  We catch up with them again as they are on horseback and heading up to a trailer home  on the ranch.  A man in hunting attire comes out of the trailer as Ron and Tex approach.

Tex:  Hey Irv, ya ready to go get a deer.

Irv:   What’s the hurry?  The deer will be there tomorrow.  Hey, who’s the city slicker?

Tex:  This here is Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy and he’s gonna shoot his first deer today or tonight.  Ron, this is my faithful ole Indian tracker Irv Lewinsky.

Ron:  Irv?  Your name is Irv Lewinsky.  That doesn’t sound like an Indian name.

Irv:  Wada you know from Indians?  Bigshot city boy, phewy!  The only Indians you probably know are from Cleveland, right Mr. Bigshot?

Tex:  C’mon now Irv.  He’s our guest and we have a lot to teach him in one day so let’s get along and let’s get going.

Irv:  Alright, alright already.  Let me use the toilet once more before we leave.

Ron:  Uh, I apologize Irv.  I guess I haven’t ever met a real Indian guide before.

Irv:  Yeah, okay fine. (under his breath)  Oy Vey, I must be a mashugana person for doing this.

Scene:  It’s the next day at lunch time and the Campaign bus has stopped at the entrance to the Double Tex Ranch somewhere deep in the heart of Texas where Ron Burgundy stands wearing a thousand yard stare on his face.  His suit jacket is folded over his left arm.  He’s wearing a buck skin hunting vest.  He has his necktie tied around his head like an Indian headband with a feather from a Red Tailed Hawk in it.  His warrior face paint completes his ensemble.  Wendy calls to him from the bus.

Wendy:  Hey Tarzan!  You look different.

Ron confidently strides toward and onto the bus, taking his usual seat upfront.

Ron:  Call me Red Suit.

Wendy:  Uh, okay,  Red Suit, did you have fun?

Ron:  I tracked, shot and killed a deer.  Then I gutted the dear, skinned it, butchered it, cooked it and ate deer and beans all night around the campfire as my new blood brothers told tall tales of cattle drives, outlaws and shootouts.  We ate, drank, burped and farted without apologies, like real men of the old west.

Wendy:  Okay then.  Where’d you get the buck skin hunting vest?   
Ron:  I made it from the deer I shot.

Wendy:  Alrighty then, uh, how about the check?

Ron pulls an envelope from his jacket pocket and silently hands it to Wendy.  She opens it and her jaw drops.

Wendy:  Holy Cow!  I’ve never seen so many zeros on a check.  With a check this big we could win Texas, Oklahoma and Arkansas.  You must have really impressed Tex.  
Great job Ron!


As Ron sleeps in his seat and dreams of his awesome night and his newly invigorated manhood, the Campaign bus rolls on down the dusty campaign trail.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Santa Monica

  Agent 54 here again.  Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the Presidential race.  It was a great race for Ron.  Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail. 

  We’ve been following the Ron Burgundy Presidential campaign closely and we expect a statement from the candidate soon.  Right now we are still trying to figure out what Blintzed uh, Blitzed Wolfer is up to at CAN (Cable Ass Network)

Blitzed Wolfer:  This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN on the campaign trail again.  Today we are on the Santa Monica  pier to ask people what they think of the smelly Pirate hooker scandal that has stained the Ron Burgundy campaign for President.

Blitzed:  Let’s ask a fisherman what he thinks.  Sir, Sir, what do you think of smelly Pirates?

Sound Guy:   Uh, dude I’m your sound man.  This, this ain’t a fishin pole, it’s boom mic.

Blitzed:  And so it is.  (under his breath) get the hell outta here you knucklehead.

Blitzed: (to a real fisherman)   Sir, can I ask you about smelly Pirates and hookers.

As he turns around we see the fisherman is Jack Nicholson.

Jack Nicholson:  Yeah, I’ll talk about hookers, I like mine with nothing on em.  Heh, heh, nicht, nicht (scary laughter).

Blitzed:  Oh, It’s Mr. Jack Nicholson of motion picture fame.  Jack, I’m Blitzed Wolfer with CAN. What are you doing here?

Jack Nicholson:  Blitzed?  That’s your name?  Blitzed?  What, were you conceived during a football game?  Heh, heh, nicht, nicht (scary laughter).   What the hell do ya think I’m doin here, I’m fishin.

Blitzed:  Oh, catching your supper, huh?

Jack Nicholson:  Not really.  See I enjoy fishin my own way.  See I catch the fish and then I cut the fins off them on the right side only .  Then I throw them back and watch as the crabs try to eat them while they swim around in circles.  It’s great fun,,,for the crabs Heh, heh, nicht, nicht (scary laughter).

Blitzed: (appalled)  Well, uh, actually, uh we, that is, America wants to know what you think about the Ron Burgundy smelly Pirate hooker scandal.

Jack Nicholson:  So, Ron Burgundy is running for President, ya don’t say.  Well, Ron and I go way back.  You know, sometimes he joins me courtside for Laker games and his hair is always a work of art.

Blitzed:  Yes, we know it is but, what about the smelly Pirate hookers?

Jack Nicholson:  Well, I wouldn’t know anything about that and if I were you I wouldn’t be repeating that around town too much if you know what I mean.  I mean, it might not be too healthy for a guy to be making certain insinuations against Ron Burgundy who happens to be a friend of mine.  Ya know what I mean, Do ya?

Blitzed: (swallowing hard before he speaks)  Yes, yes sir Mr. Nicholson.

Blintzed uh, Blitzed to the camera:  Thank you and that’s all from the Santa Monica pier.   This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN.  (to the crew under his breath)  Let’s get the hell outta here, like now. 

Jack Nicholson:  (Shouting down the pier as Blitzed and crew hurry away)  Nice to see ya.  Hurry back JACKASS!

   Ron Burgundy is very fortunate to have good friends like Jack Nicholson to watch his back.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

The Redneck Olympics

  Agent 54 here again.  Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the Presidential race.  It was a great race for Ron.  Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail. 

  I’m really excited to bring you updates from the Ron Burgundy Presidential Campaign especially since he’s teamed up with Old Spice to clean up Washington D.C.  Finally we have a really different candidate to shake things up.  We caught up with Ron, Blitzed Wolfer and a special guest in the Rodeo arena at the Missouri State Fair.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Hello again everyone this is Blitzed Wolfer on the campaign trail for CAN the Cable Ass Network at the Missouri State Fair and we are in the Rodeo arena waiting for Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy to join us.  I have with me former Boston Red Sox World Champion first baseman Kevin Miller who is a currently working on MLB network.  Hello Kevin, how are you?

Kevin Millar:  It’s Mill-ar there Blitzed, not Miller.  You know like Mill and then ARRRRRH like a pirate and not none of them smelly Pirate hookers either, no, a cool Pirate like that Captain Morgan or Blackbeard or Spacebeard.

Blitzed:  Mill-aaar.  Thank you.  Ron Burgundy promised to meet us here at this time.  I’ve seen some of his people handing out campaign materials but, no Ron so far.  Kevin, are you excited to meet Ron Burgundy?

Kevin:  Yeah sure, I heard some things about this boy runnin for President.  I like Old Spice and their crazy T.V. commercials.  I think they could make a good team.  Now Blitzed, is this your first time at the Redneck Olympics?  Cuz it looks like it.

Blitzed:  Excuse me, Redneck what?

Kevin:  The Redneck Olympics.  That’s what us Rednecks call the Rodeo.  This is your first Rodeo.  Boy, did you notice anything about the way you’re dressed.

Blitzed:  Uh, I appear to be dressed app….

Kevin: (interrupting) Man, you’re the only one in this place with a tie on except some of the Rodeo clowns.  Man, take that thing off, loosen up, you’re embarrassin me.

Blitzed:  Well, I think I have….

Kevin Millar
Rodeo Announcer on the PA system:  Ladies and Gentlemen, Thank you for coming to the Rodeo at the Missouri State Fair.  (applause)  I would like to direct your attention to the center of the arena, you may recognize a special guest Rodeo clown.  Yes fans, it’s leading Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy in a Red White and Blue Rodeo Clown suit.  (big applause as Ron waves to the crowd)

Kevin:  Boy, how da ya like that.  That’s Ron Burgundy out there in a clown suit with make-up and everything,,, except no hat cuz his hair is a work of art, no doubt.

Blitzed:  Well, what a surprise.  You never know what Ron’s up to next.

Rodeo Announcer:  And here comes the bull.  Who wants to see a politician being chased by the bull rather than flinging the bull?  (crowd applauds and laughs) Here we go the bull is chasing Ron Burgundy and then another clown zips in between them and distracts the bull.

Kevin:  You see that teamwork there Blitzed.  These professional Rodeo clowns have the timing of a great double-play combination.  They distract the bull at the right time to keep each other and the bull riders from getting hurt.

Blitzed:  Yes they really move well out there and you can tell they have a plan.

Kevin:  Boy, you’re startin to get into the ole Redneck Olympics ain’t ya.  I’ll make a Redneck out of ya yet.
Former Candidate Ron Burgundy

Rodeo Announcer:  The bull is after Burgundy again.  Who wants to see Ron Burgundy get run down?  (raucous cheers of “no” and “yeah” and laughs as the crowd is really having fun).

 Rodeo Announcer:  Burgundy is down as the other clowns distract the bull.  Looks like Ron Burgundy slipped and went down in puddle of mud but, he’s up and waving to the crowd.  Ladies and Gentlemen how about a hand for Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy being a good sport.  (thunderous applause, whistles and cheers)

Kevin:  Man look at that clown suit.  Somebody’s gonna be up doin laundry all night tonight.

Blitzed:  Ron is heading this way. (as Ron approaches he’s a bit out of breath) Ron, how are you?

Ron:  Wow,,,that bull is fast,,,and mean,,,and ugly,,,and stinky.

Kevin:  Hey Ron this is Kevin Millar.  Yeah, people who watch on T.V. don’t understand them things smell bad.

Ron:  Good to meet you Kevin,,,Yeah,,,they stink.  Hey, I saw you win the World Series some years ago,,,didn’t I?  (someone opens a gate for Ron to walk out of the ring).

Kevin:  Guilty as charged.

Blitzed:  That looked like a lot of fun, Ron.

Ron:  Are you kidding?  I was terrified.  No, no actually I have all the confidence in the world because those are professional Rodeo clowns and they really know what they are doing.  This really was a blast.

Blitzed:  Why did you get into the ring with that bull?

Kevin:  Man, we ain’t in no studio.  This is how you ask that question.  Ron, what the heck possessed your mind to get you in the ring with a 2000 pound monster bull?

Ron:  Well Kevin, as you know, my campaign has teamed up with Old Spice and our goal is to clean up Washington politics.  I wanted to show the good people of Missouri that a politician could get down and do the hard, dirty work for them and then after I shower with Old Spice body wash, show them how I could make everything nice and clean again.

Kevin:  Well alright.  You know I always liked Old Spice so I think you got my vote.  

How about you Blitzed?

Blitzed:  Thank you very much for stopping by Ron.  I know you want to go get cleaned up so we’ll wrap this up now.

Ron:  I appreciate CAN and (turning and waving to the crowd) the great people of Missouri whoo hoo!. (great applause as Ron heads for the showers)

Blitzed:  Well, we certainly had an exciting evening here at the Missouri State Fair.  I’m Blitzed Wolfer with Kevin Millar on the campaign trail for CAN saying good night everyone.

Kevin:  (puts his arm around Blitzed as they walk off) Hey, let’s go get us a Captain Morgan.  What’s with your name anyway man?  What did daddy get really drunk that night or what?