Agent 54 : Deep in the Heart of Texas

Agent 54 here again. Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the race to President Donald Trump. It was a great race for Ron. Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail.

We caught up with Ron on the Campaign bus, heading to the Double Tex Ranch somewhere deep in the heart of Texas where Ron has an appointment with a VIP campaign donor. Campaign Manager, The Only Wendy Shade is going over the campaign plans as they pull into the ranch driveway. A huge Ranch house can be see way down the driveway.

Ron: Whoa! This place is huge.

Wendy: Focus Ron, now we’re going to drop you off and head into town to meet with the locals.

Ron: What town?

Wendy: Tim, what was that town on the map?

Tim: Buffalo Gap.

Wendy: Buffalo Gap! Well, I hope there are more people there than Buffaloes. Ron, now this guy you’re gonna meet is a really big shot and he wanted to have you stay overnight so he could get to know you. You know what to do?

Ron: Yes, kiss his butt early and often.

Wendy: That’s right! Kiss it upside down and sideways too, if you get the chance. We’ll be back around lunch time tomorrow to pick you up and you better have a big check with you.

Ron: I’ve got it. What’s the old saying? The bigger the butt the better the check or better the kiss the bigger the butt or,,,

Wendy: (interrupting) Ron! Focus! This is no time to fool around. You have to impress this guy if we’re gonna win this state.

The bus stops in front of Ranch house and Ron hops out and approaches the large front door. As Ron steps onto the porch, the door opens and a butler speaks.

Butler: Mr. Burgundy?

Ron: That’s me.

Butler: He’s waiting for you in the trophy room. This way please.

The butler leads Ron down a long hallway decorated by large oil paintings of generations of family. At the end of the hall is a set of large oaken double doors with cowboys on horseback, charging hard, carved into them. The butler opens the doors to a room the size of a Wal-Mart Super Store with 8 fireplaces and more different species of animals than you’ll find at the San Diego Zoo. The animals are all very dead, beautifully stuffed and mounted. The butler announces Ron as a very large man dressed in Cowboy boots, camouflage trousers, a buck skin hunting vest and a 10 gallon hat approaches.

Butler: Ron Burgundy sir.

Tex: C’mon in here boy, Tex McTexson’s the name. Nice to meet ya. You don’t mind if I call ya boy, do ya boy?

The two men shake hands. Tex makes Ron look like an elf in comparison.

Ron: Ron, boy, either one will do. Wow wee! Did you shoot all these critters?

Tex: Nah, my great granddaddy Tex started this collection. My granddad Tex Son added to it. Many of the animals that were shot were shot by my dad, Tex Texson In this quarter of the room you got my personal Tex McTexson collection. I only shot a few of these animals.

Ron: Really, did the others have heart attacks or something?

Tex: That’s funny boy! I like you already. (slaps Ron on the back nearly knocking him over) Nah, I’ve been practicing new and different ways of hunting. My new favorite way of taking an animal is by sneaking up on them and using a piece of piano wire strung through two blocks of wood, strangling them to death. I saw that in one of them Godfather movies and thought I’d give it a try.

Ron: There’s a Giraffe.

Tex: Yeah, that was a tough SOB. You ever try to shimmy up a Giraffe’s neck when he don’t want you there? Boy, that was fun.

Ron: So what’s the plan for us? Could it possibly be “movie night”?

Tex: Movie night! Boy, you crack me up. Hell no! Being that you’re my guest, I’m gonna let you shoot a Whitetail Deer on my ranch. Now tell me boy, have you ever killed anything bigger than a center city cockroach before?

Ron: Well, a bird flew into the grill of my car.

Tex: Uh huh, was it a Red Tailed Hawk by chance?

Ron: Uh, I think it was a Finch or a Chickadee.

Tex: Okay boy, I see we got some work to do so let’s head out to the shootin range for some practice and then we’ll go get an Indian.

Ron: We’re not going to hunt Indians are we?

Tex: Nah, we don’t do that no more. We need an Indian to help track the deer. Now hurry up boy, we got to get you outfitted with some gear and pick a horse for you and,,,

Ron: (interrupting) We’re going by horseback?

Tex: Hell ya. Wada ya think you can take a bus to where the dear hangout.

Ron: I just assumed we’d be walking.

Tex: Walking? On this ranch? Do you know how many acres we got here? Hell, I’m not even sure numbers go that high.

Ron: Well, I don’t have much experience on a real horse.

Tex: Don’t worry boy, the horse has experience. Now let’s git goin. We’re burnin daylight.

Tex leads Ron out the back door to the tackle area. We catch up with them again as they are on horseback and heading up to a trailer home on the ranch. A man in hunting attire comes out of the trailer as Ron and Tex approach.

Tex: Hey Irv, ya ready to go get a deer.

Irv: What’s the hurry? The deer will be there tomorrow. Hey, who’s the city slicker?

Tex: This here is Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy and he’s gonna shoot his first deer today or tonight. Ron, this is my faithful ole Indian tracker Irv Lewinsky.

Ron: Irv? Your name is Irv Lewinsky. That doesn’t sound like an Indian name.

Irv: Wada you know from Indians? Bigshot city boy, phewy! The only Indians you probably know are from Cleveland, right Mr. Bigshot?

Tex: C’mon now Irv. He’s our guest and we have a lot to teach him in one day so let’s get along and let’s get going.

Irv: Alright, alright already. Let me use the toilet once more before we leave.

Ron: Uh, I apologize Irv. I guess I haven’t ever met a real Indian guide before.

Irv: Yeah, okay fine. (under his breath) Oy Vey, I must be a mashugana person for doing this.

Scene: It’s the next day at lunch time and the Campaign bus has stopped at the entrance to the Double Tex Ranch somewhere deep in the heart of Texas where Ron Burgundy stands wearing a thousand yard stare on his face. His suit jacket is folded over his left arm. He’s wearing a buck skin hunting vest. He has his necktie tied around his head like an Indian headband with a feather from a Red Tailed Hawk in it. His warrior face paint completes his ensemble. Wendy calls to him from the bus.

Wendy: Hey Tarzan! You look different.

Ron confidently strides toward and onto the bus, taking his usual seat upfront.

Ron: Call me Red Suit.

Wendy: Uh, okay, Red Suit, did you have fun?

Ron: I tracked, shot and killed a deer. Then I gutted the dear, skinned it, butchered it, cooked it and ate deer and beans all night around the campfire as my new blood brothers told tall tales of cattle drives, outlaws and shootouts. We ate, drank, burped and farted without apologies, like real men of the old west.

Wendy: Okay then. Where’d you get the buck skin hunting vest?

Ron: I made it from the deer I shot.

Wendy: Alrighty then, uh, how about the check?

Ron pulls an envelope from his jacket pocket and silently hands it to Wendy. She opens it and her jaw drops.

Wendy: Holy Cow! I’ve never seen so many zeros on a check. With a check this big we could win Texas, Oklahoma and Arkansas. You must have really impressed Tex.

Great job Ron!

Ron: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

As Ron sleeps in his seat and dreams of his awesome night and his newly invigorated manhood, the Campaign bus rolls on down the dusty campaign trail.