Agent 54 here again. Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the race to President Donald Trump. It was a great race for Ron. Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail.
We caught up with Ron on the Campaign bus, heading to the Double Tex Ranch somewhere deep in the heart of Texas where Ron has an appointment with a VIP campaign donor. Campaign Manager, The Only Wendy Shade is going over the campaign plans as they pull into the ranch driveway. A huge Ranch house can be see way down the driveway.
We caught up with Ron on the Campaign bus, heading to the Double Tex Ranch somewhere deep in the heart of Texas where Ron has an appointment with a VIP campaign donor. Campaign Manager, The Only Wendy Shade is going over the campaign plans as they pull into the ranch driveway. A huge Ranch house can be see way down the driveway.
Ron: Whoa!
This place is huge.
Wendy: Focus Ron, now we’re going to drop you off
and head into town to meet with the locals.
Ron: What town?
Wendy: Tim, what was that town on the map?
Tim: Buffalo Gap.
Wendy: Buffalo Gap!
Well, I hope there are more people there than Buffaloes. Ron, now this guy you’re gonna meet is a really
big shot and he wanted to have you stay overnight so he could get to know you. You know what to do?
Ron: Yes, kiss his butt early and often.
Wendy: That’s right!
Kiss it upside down and sideways too, if you get the chance. We’ll be back around lunch time tomorrow to
pick you up and you better have a big check with you.
Ron: I’ve got it.
What’s the old saying? The bigger
the butt the better the check or better the kiss the bigger the butt or,,,
Wendy: (interrupting) Ron!
Focus! This is no time to fool
around. You have to impress this guy if
we’re gonna win this state.
The bus stops in front of Ranch house and Ron
hops out and approaches the large front
door. As Ron steps onto the porch, the
door opens and a butler speaks.
Ron: That’s me.
Butler: He’s waiting for you in the trophy room. This way please.
The butler leads Ron down a long hallway
decorated by large oil paintings of generations of family. At the end of the hall is a set of large
oaken double doors with cowboys on horseback, charging hard, carved into them. The butler opens the doors to a room the size
of a Wal-Mart Super Store with 8 fireplaces and more different species of
animals than you’ll find at the San Diego Zoo.
The animals are all very dead, beautifully stuffed and mounted. The butler announces Ron as a very large man
dressed in Cowboy boots, camouflage trousers, a buck skin hunting vest and a 10
gallon hat approaches.
Butler: Ron Burgundy
sir.
Tex: C’mon in here boy, Tex McTexson’s the
name. Nice to meet ya. You don’t mind if I call ya boy, do ya boy?
The two men
shake hands. Tex makes Ron look like an
elf in comparison.
Ron: Ron, boy, either one will do. Wow wee!
Did you shoot all these critters?
Tex: Nah, my great granddaddy Tex started this
collection. My granddad Tex Son added to
it. Many of the animals that were shot
were shot by my dad, Tex Texson In this
quarter of the room you got my personal Tex McTexson collection. I only shot a few of these animals.
Ron: Really, did the others have heart attacks or
something?

Ron: There’s a Giraffe.
Tex: Yeah, that was a tough SOB. You ever try to shimmy up a Giraffe’s neck
when he don’t want you there? Boy, that
was fun.
Ron: So what’s the plan for us? Could it possibly be “movie night”?
Tex: Movie
night! Boy, you crack me up. Hell
no! Being that you’re my guest, I’m
gonna let you shoot a Whitetail Deer on my ranch. Now tell me boy, have you ever killed
anything bigger than a center city cockroach before?
Ron: Well, a bird flew into the grill of my car.
Tex: Uh huh, was it a Red Tailed Hawk by chance?
Ron: Uh, I think it was a Finch or a Chickadee.
Tex: Okay boy, I see we got some work to do so
let’s head out to the shootin range for some practice and then we’ll go get an
Indian.
Ron: We’re not going to hunt Indians are we?

Ron: (interrupting) We’re going by horseback?
Tex: Hell ya.
Wada ya think you can take a bus to where the dear hangout.
Ron: I just assumed we’d be walking.
Tex: Walking?
On this ranch? Do you know how
many acres we got here? Hell, I’m not
even sure numbers go that high.
Ron: Well, I don’t have much experience on a real
horse.
Tex: Don’t worry boy, the horse has
experience. Now let’s git goin. We’re burnin daylight.
Tex leads
Ron out the back door to the tackle area.
We catch up with them again as they are on horseback and heading up to a
trailer home on the ranch. A man in hunting attire comes out of the
trailer as Ron and Tex approach.
Tex: Hey Irv, ya ready to go get a deer.
Irv: What’s the hurry? The deer will be there tomorrow. Hey, who’s the city slicker?
Tex: This here is Presidential Candidate Ron
Burgundy and he’s gonna shoot his first deer today or tonight. Ron, this is my faithful ole Indian tracker
Irv Lewinsky.
Ron: Irv?
Your name is Irv Lewinsky. That
doesn’t sound like an Indian name.

Tex: C’mon now Irv. He’s our guest and we have a lot to teach him
in one day so let’s get along and let’s get going.
Irv: Alright, alright already. Let me use the toilet once more before we
leave.
Ron: Uh, I apologize Irv. I guess I haven’t ever met a real Indian
guide before.
Irv: Yeah, okay fine. (under his breath) Oy Vey, I must be a mashugana person for
doing this.
Scene: It’s the next day at lunch time and the
Campaign bus has stopped at the entrance to the Double Tex Ranch somewhere deep
in the heart of Texas where Ron Burgundy stands wearing a thousand yard stare
on his face. His suit jacket is folded
over his left arm. He’s wearing a buck
skin hunting vest. He has his necktie
tied around his head like an Indian headband with a feather from a Red Tailed
Hawk in it. His warrior face paint
completes his ensemble. Wendy calls to
him from the bus.
Wendy: Hey Tarzan!
You look different.
Ron
confidently strides toward and onto the bus, taking his usual seat upfront.
Ron: Call me Red Suit.
Wendy: Uh, okay,
Red Suit, did you have fun?
Ron: I tracked, shot and killed a deer. Then I gutted the dear, skinned it, butchered
it, cooked it and ate deer and beans all night around the campfire as my new
blood brothers told tall tales of cattle drives, outlaws and shootouts. We ate, drank, burped and farted without
apologies, like real men of the old west.
Wendy: Okay then. Where’d you get the buck skin hunting vest?
Ron: I made it from the deer I shot.
Wendy: Alrighty then, uh, how about the check?
Ron pulls an
envelope from his jacket pocket and silently hands it to Wendy. She opens it and her jaw drops.
Wendy: Holy
Cow! I’ve never seen so many zeros
on a check. With a check this big we
could win Texas, Oklahoma and Arkansas.
You must have really impressed Tex.
Great job Ron!
Ron:
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
As Ron
sleeps in his seat and dreams of his awesome night and his newly invigorated
manhood, the Campaign bus rolls on down the dusty campaign trail.
Who knew campaigning could be so much fun? :) Sounds like it's making a real man out of Ron. Happy Sunday, Timothy. Hope you have a wonderful day!
ReplyDeleteMakes me want to take a vacation in Texas.
DeleteYeee Haaa Have a wild day!
I love following this campaign. A. Lot.
ReplyDeleteHave a fabulous Silly Sunday. :)
Thank you. It seems the campaign is gaining momentum.
DeleteHave wild week!
This could definitely brighten up some of the campaign coverage! :) #FridayFrivolity
ReplyDeletePresident Burgundy has a nice ring to it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting and commenting.
Thanks for sharing your entertaining tale at The Bloggers Pit Stop!
ReplyDeleteThank you for allowing me to share.
DeleteMust catch up on more of the campaign trail. Thanks for sharing on #HoneybeeLinky
ReplyDeleteYes, please feel free to come back and relive the memories.
DeleteThanks for commenting.