
Today we spied on the Ron Burgundy Presidential Campaign as they attended the National Junk Convention at the America’s Center in St. Louis Missouri. Here’s my report:
Candidate Ron Burgundy has spoken and the
crowd loved his speech and his hair which was a work of art. The
Campaign bus is parked in front of the Center and volunteers Maureen,
John (who looks great in a straw hat and a St. Louis Cardinals jersey) Joe and
Tim passing out Burgundy campaign fliers and buttons. Candidate Ron Burgundy walks out of the
America’s Center with Campaign Chairman The Only Wendy Shade and Finance
Director/Spiritual Advisor Howard by his side along with a few potential
Burgundy voters. We pick up the
conversation as they walk to the bus.
Ron: ….and that’ why I want no child left behind
without milk.
Elder Potential
Voter: What if they’re lactose
intolerant?
Ron: In my vision for America there will be no
tolerance for the intolerant.
Elder Potential
Voter: What? (Campaign Chairman The Only Wendy Shade pulls
the elder potential voter aside and tries to quietly explain what Ron meant [whatever
that was]).
Ron: Wow wee, I sure am getting hungry. Guess it’s time to head to the bus and chow
down before we set off for Topeka.
Finance Director/Spiritual
Advisor Howard: Ron, we’re heading for
Kansas City next.
Ron: Right! I can’t wait to be back in
Mississippi.
Howard: Uh, okay.
An older
gentleman in a gray pinstripe suit with a neat black bow tie waddles up to Ron
and the others as they reach the campaign bus.
Fred
Sanford: (calling out) Mr. Burgundy, Mr.
Burgundy I got to talk to you, hold on, Mr. Burgundy.
Ron: Yes, what is it citizen, wait! I saw you inside. You were up front for my speech but, you
didn’t clap.
Fred: I’m sorry Mr. Burgundy but, it’s my
Arthor-itis (Fred shows him his “crippled”
hand)
Ron: I see, call me Ron. What can I do for you and your Arthor-itis?
Fred: Well, Ron, My name is Fred G. Sanford, the G.
stands for Government. I want to talk to you about junk.
Ron: Oh, no thanks we have lots of junk on the
bus. In fact you are welcome to come on
the bus and take some of our junk.
Fred: No, no sir what I mean is that when you’re
President of the United States of America, you’re going to need someone with a
lot of experience to take care of, to organize and sell America’s junk. I’ve been in junk all my life. I got junk in
my head. I got junk in my heart. I got junk in my trunk.
Ron: I see, you’re like a coinsure of junk.

Lamont walks
over and Fred introduces him.
Fred: Lamont this is the Next President of the USA
Ron Burgundy. Ron, this is my son
Lamont. (they shake hands)
Ron: Nice to meet you, Lamond.
Lamont: It’s Lamont, hey ain’t you the dude who hangs
out with smelly Pirate hookers?
Fred shoves
Lamont out of the way and clutches his heart.
Fred: (at Lamont) Get the hell out of here you big dummy. (looking skyward) Oh Elizabeth honey, I’m
comin to join ya,,,, with a campaign bus parked on top of me.
Ron: Calm down now Fred, take it easy (campaign
volunteers come to Fred’s aid)
Ron: I’ve been thinking about what you’ve said and
I’d like to explore the possibilities. (to a volunteer) Maureen, would you get
Fred’s contact info so we can discuss the future position of Senior Junk Adviser
to the President.
Fred: Wow! You really mean it Ron, uh I mean Mr.
President!
Ron: We’ll call you. Holy cow, I’m hungry as hell now. (Ron goes into the bus).
Fred: (daydreaming) Imagine, me, Senior Junk Adviser
to the President of the United States of America.
Maureen: Sir can I get your address?
Fred: Or maybe Secretary of Junk.
Maureen: Sir?
Fred: Or Junk Czar.
Maureen: Sir?
Fred: Or Junk Master General, Ahhhh.
Wow! Ron is
already off to a great start recruiting America’s best talent for his
cabinet. I just hope the rest of his
choices will be as good as his pick for Junk Master General.