The Great North West

  Agent 54 here again.  Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the Presidential race.  It was a great race for Ron.  Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail. 

  Today we found Ron Burgundy in Bend Oregon holding an outdoor town hall type meeting in a Home Depot parking lot near Riverbend Park.   There are a few dozen people around including the campaign volunteers who are distributing campaign materials to the voters in the crowd.   Ron is standing on a couple of wood pallets for a stage and the Campaign bus is parked behind him. We pick up Ron at the end of his opening remarks that Tim helped write.

Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy

Ron: ….so we must secure our National borders.  Now I want to open it up to hear what you folks from Blend Oregon have to say.

The crowd:  It’s Bend!

Ron:  What’s bent?  The borders?  Yeah, some say they’re broken.

Volunteer Joe B.: whispers into Ron’s ear.

Ron:  Ah yes, I mean the beautiful town of Bend Oregon.  Let’s hear from you. Oh, I see someone has bought some fencing.  Going to secure your home’s borders, are you?

Woman with fencing in the crowd:  Yes we are and your hair is a work of art, Ron!

Ron:  Oh, well thank you darling   Anyone else got a question or statement?

A man wearing a camouflaged fishing hat, dirty wife-beater undershirt, dirty shorts and clam digger boots, pushing a brand new wheelbarrow with a new flat shovel, a bag of manganese, a bottle of Chinch bug poison and some other various lawn care products pops up in the crowd out of nowhere.

Carl Spackler:  Yeah, over heeeree!  I got something I wanna ask.

Ron:  Yes sir, you with the wheelbarrow, please tell us your name.

Carl Spackler

Carl:  It’s me, Carl Spackler over at Bushwood Country Club.  You know, assistant head greens keeper.

Ron:  Carl Spackler everyone. 

 Mild applause from the crowd.

Carl:  Yeah, I wanted to talk about how our borders get invaded from North every year and how this invasion is intruding on the freedom of freedom loving Americans everywhere.

Ron:  Uh, invasion from the North, I don’t follow you.

Carl:  Oh yeah, I’m talking about the big ones.  Yes, those big fat Canada geese fly south every year and they land on my golf course and they eat the grass and they poop all over the place until you can’t make a 3 foot putt without rolling the ball through goose poop.

Ron:  I see.  So, you want someone to stop the geese from coming here and pooping.

Carl:  That’s exactly right and I know how we can do it too.   You see we set up these electronic supersonic sound emitters all along the Northern border.  These devices make noises that only geeses can hear and it scares the crap out of the pooping gooses and they just turn and fly for home, you know, somewhere in Canada.  Problem solved.

Ron:  But, if the geese aren’t allowed to fly South as they have done naturally for millions of years, won’t they freeze and starve to death in the harsh Canadian winter? 

We don’t really want to murder millions of Canada geese, do we?

Carl:  Uh, I hadn’t thought about that.  Well, maybe the Queen of Canada can provide some goose shelters with heat for the geeses in winter.

A woman speaks up from the growing crowd.

Martha Stewart:  You know I have a lovely recipe for Glazed Christmas Goose.  I believe in America some time ago we used to eat goose often but somehow we got away from goose and turned to chicken and turkey.  I think if America could return to the good old goose eating days, that would help with the poop problem.

Ron:  Well, I doubt that Americans will actually eat enough geese to rectify this situation.

Martha:  Well, I was only trying to help and I’ll be inside the Home Depot if anyone wants some personal gardening tips from Martha Stewart.

Ron:  That’s it!

Carl:  What’s it?

Ron:  I have a brilliant idea for you.   See, you take that wheelbarrow and your shovel and you collect up all the goose poop on the greens and you fill up your dump truck with goose poop and then you take it to the area farmers and you sell it to them as fertilizer.  It’s a win-win-win situation!

Carl:  You mean, I could sell the poop?

Christmas Goose

Ron:  That’s right.  How much goose poop is on the golf course?

Carl:  Tons, I guess.

Ron:  Well, even at 10 cents a pound you could make a lot of extra cash.  And no geese get harmed in the process.

Carl:  So I could get paid for shoveling shit.  Hey!  That is a great idea.  Everyone let’s hear it for Ron Burgundy and his goose poop plan.

The crowd had grown to about 60 people by now and they applaud enthusiastically.

Carl:  (very loudly)  My man Ron Burgundy, he’s, he’s got my vote.

The applause gets louder with some hoots and whistles.

The Only Wendy Shade has been watching all this in amazement.  She approaches Ron.

Ron:  (quietly)  Wendy, what just happened?

Wendy:  (quietly)  I don’t know but, keep it up, you’re doing great!

The Burgundy Campaign is really hot now.  It’s gaining momentum like a giant ball of goose poop rolling downhill. 

Will anything slow Ron Down?

Keep looking here for your Burgundy Campaign updates right up to election day.

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