Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Zombies Can’t Catch a Break
Agent 54 here again. I had to do a follow-up spying session on Max, one of our Zombie actor friends who happens to be “reading” for the leading man roll in a Hollywood movie. You may remember that Max is tired of playing the traditional Zombie rolls that he has been typecast for just because he is a Zombie. Let’s see how it goes for Max.
Scene: A sparsely decorated office of the Director. There’s a folding table serving as a desk with the Director, Writer and an assistant sitting in office chairs behind it and a folding chair in front of it facing the desk. Various water bottles, papers, folders, clipboards and pictures (head shots) are scattered on the desk. Another assistant is leaning on the wall, texting furiously on an IPhone.
Max shuffles into the room . He’s obviously a Zombie though he’s in his best suit and has his hair neatly slicked back. The mixed smell of Old Spice and rotting flesh follows him into the room. Max puts his hand out to shake the Director’s hand.
Director: (ignoring Max’s outstretched hand) Have a seat. (looking at Max’s resume and Head shot) Max, it says here you have worked on 26 pictures. What kind of rolls have you played?
Max: (slowly sitting uncomfortably) Well, Uh, you know, Zombies.
Director: I see. You know this picture is about a man running for president. So, you want to be the first Zombie Presidential Candidate?
Max: Well, technically, Al Gore ran for President in 2000.
Director: Oh yes, I had forgotten. Why do you think you are leading man material?
Max: Well, I’m a very professional actor with a lot of experience. I’m tall and good looking, you know, for a Zombie. I’m well-spoken and,,,
Director: (interrupting Max and scrunching his nose) Wait! What the hell is that smell?
Writer: Ooww, it stinks like fromunda cheese!
Assistant: It’s the Zombie, sir!
Director: Max is that you?
Max: Uh, well, I tried to mask the smell with Old Spice. Um, I’m sure it won’t affect the movie. You can’t smell motion pictures.
Director: Thank you Max, that will be all, NEXT!
Scene: A dark and dirty bar in a nasty section of LA. Max is at the bar in his suit with his Zombie buddies Allan and Brad.
Allan: Hey, I told you so.
Brad: Oh com’on Allan. Give the man a break! At least he tried to better himself. What have you done to better yourself lately?
Allan: I didn’t go make a fool of myself trying to get a job I had no business trying for.
Brad: Nice! Kick your friend when he’s down. Well, I’m proud of Max.
Max: (starring into his Bloody Mary) Allan’s right. It was foolish for me to expect anything to change for us. We’ll never be accepted.
Zombie Tommy bursts into the bar.
Tommy: Hey guys! They’re casting for “Zombienado”!
Brad: Zombienado? What the hell is that?
Tommy: Didn’t ya hear? They’re making a movie that’s a blend between Zombies and Sharknado. You get it don’t ya? You know, we’re all doing our Zombie thing and then the Sharknado comes and the Sharks eat us. I know, the Sharks are the heroes but, what the hell? It’s work and they’re hiring a hundred of us.
Max: (sarcastically) Great.
Allan: I’m gonna do it. I got bills to pay.
Brad to Max: Com’on buddy. Let’s do it. The work will take your mind off your troubles.
Max: Yeah, ain’t got nothing better to do and besides, I always wanted to be fish food.
Brad: Pull your head out of your ass and let’s get going. I gotta get a new head shot.
The three Zombies rise and start to shuffle out of the bar.
Allan: Yeah, here we go, payin dues again.
Max and Brad look at each other.
Max and Brad together: Brains, brains, moan, groan.
Allan: Damn comedians.
What does this story tell us about the bias of the Hollywood Liberal Elite?
Probably, not much.