Agent 54 is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. Agent 54 works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. Agent 54 reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
here again. I woke up several hours ago
in nurse Ducttaper’s office at the NSA under the DORD with a headache and
couple of my buddies looking at me like I was a museum exhibit. Apparently, I had lost some of my short term
memory of why I was there and what happened.
The Weirdness was just beginning.
Scene: Nurse Ducttaper’s office.
Idol: Hey, you’re awake you wanker. You scared me a bit.
Flo: Yeah, you have a nice nap?
54: What the hell? Ahh,
who hit me with a bat?
Ducttaper: You’re gonna be alright there
sleeping beauty. Here, put this ice bag
on your noggin and take it easy.
sits up on the cot in the nurses office, holding the ice bag to the back of his
Agent 54: Well, is somebody going to tell me what
happened or do I have to wait for Inspector Gadget’s report?
Flo: Don’t you remember?
54: I remember we had a meeting for some dumb-ass Team Building thing.
Idol: Wadda ya remember about the
54: I remember donuts.
Idol: Oh man! We gotta show you the tape! It was hilarious!
Agent 54 might not think it was so funny.
Idol: Oh, yeah, right, no offense.
54: What was funny? What did you guys do?
Idol: Hey, it wasn’t my idea. It was all The Joker from the start.
Ducttaper: That’s enough, you two
troublemakers. Agent 54 needs to
rest. You all can show him the video of
the accident later.
Flo: (under her breath) Accident my ass.
Scene: In the group viewing room a bunch of us are
watching the surveillance tape of the Team Building meeting. The video is showing an exercise where five of
us stand up in a circle with our eyes closed.
We are instructed to just lean back on the count of three and that one
of our “Teammates” will catch us. Nobody
can see which “Teammate” is behind them.
The exercise is supposed to build trust between “Teammates”. Guess who gets to have The Joker catch him?
Idol: I swear I didn’t know what The
Joker was up to. Look at his face. He looks normal.
54: Normal! He looks demented.
Idol: Well yeah, but, demented is normal
for that bloke.
John Rambo: Yeah, you never know what that guy’s thinkin.
54: Why did I draw The Joker? Rambo, how the heck did you get to catch Flo?
Rambo: Just luck, I guess.
As the video
progresses we hear the count down.
1,2,3,. As I start to lean back
The Joker swiftly steps out of the way.
Joker: Whoops, So sorry, Ha ha ha, ho ho
ho , now it’s time to go go go!
The video continues and as Agent 54 falls back and cracks his head on
the floor, we see The Joker bolting for the windows.
We can hear his psychotic, evil laughter as he unlatches his favorite
window and jumps out to make his escape across the lawn to his get-a-way car. Of course the whole video room is now howling
in laughter, except for one guy who is holding an ice bag on the back of his
54: Thanks a lot, you donkeys.
Flo: Oh, com’on.
You gotta admit, the video is great.
Idol: Yeah, we gotta send a copy to that
“America’s Dumbass Videos” show.
Gadget: Oh no my friends. This video is now “classified” and I’m
personally going to take a copy to the boss.
I should be able to get The Joker suspended for at least a week for you,
54: Great! I get a concussion and a goose egg on my dome
and he gets a vacation.
Rambo: Quit you’re bitchin. If that video gets out, you’ll be a star.
54: (sarcastically) Yeah, Thanks!
So, I guess the lesson learned there
is never trust a “Teammate” with a 40 year criminal record,,,or anyone else at
the NSA either.
here again. Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the Presidential race. It was a great race for Ron. Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail. We at the NSA are “under
orders” to keep the Ron Burgundy Campaign under close scrutiny. We have to know where Ron is at all
times. Today Ron’s campaign bus rolled
into Sedona Arizona. I wonder what kind
of whackos and weirdoes he’ll encounter there.
Scene: Ron Burgundy and his campaign staff have just
finished lunch and the Cowboy Club and they are walking towards the campaign
Ron: (to campaign Chairman The Only Wendy Shade) Great
Oden’s Raven, those Bison burgers are good.
Wendy: Oh yeah, especially when you get it really
Ron: That’s right you like your meat mooing. Do Bison moo?
Wendy: I believe Bison bark.
Director/Spiritual Adviser Howard joins the conversation.
Howard: I think Bison grunt, well it depends, you
know anything will bark when you stick it with an electric cattle prod.
Ron: Howard, you know I asked you to leave the
cattle prod at home.
Howard: I did leave it home. I’m just sayin.
Ron: Because you know what happened last
time. We don’t have that kind of bail
money with us on this trip.
next to the campaign bus, Wendy tries to take charge of the conversation.
Wendy: Boys, Let’s go over this afternoon’s
agenda. First we are going to find
Melinda Leslie at the Center for the New Age so she can tell Ron about her
Ron: Yeah, she met a real space alien.
Wendy: Yeah, sure she did.
Howard: You know as your Spiritual Adviser I’d advise
you Ron, not to say that out loud.
Everyone knows that UFOs come to Sedona all the time.
Can we get back to the schedule now?
Ron: And, how about that Vortex. I felt it.
Didn’t you feel a tingle in your legs?
Wendy: I felt a pain in my ass. Ron!,
after the psycho alien lady, you have to go the Chapel of the Holy Cross and
get a picture taken with the pastor.
Howard: And you need to pray for campaign guidance
Ron: Great, come all the way to Sedona to get
stuck in church.
Howard and Wendy
Ron: Hey, that’s Cher!
Wendy: No its not, now let’s get,,,
(interrupting) I think that was Cher.
Ron: Yeah, it was and she went into that little
shop. Let’s go say hello to Cher.
Wendy: Ron, no, we have a campaign,,,
jogging toward the little shop. Howard
is caught in the middle. (should I stay or should I go?)
Ron: I’m just going to say hello. Be back in 2
(grinding her teeth) Fine! I’ll be on the bus when you want to get
back to the campaign, children.
into the little shop to see Cher casually shopping.
Ron: Cher, I thought it was you.
Cher: Oh, hi, please no autographs, I just want to
do a little shopping by myself.
Ron: Oh, I’m not a fan. I mean, uh I’m a fan but, I don’t want your
Cher: Gee thanks!
Ron: No, what I meant is that uh, well, I’m Ron
Burgundy and I’m running for President of the United States of America.
through the door.
Howard: It was Cher!
Or, uh it is Cher. Uh hi Cher.
Cher: That explains it. So, what the heck is a Presidential candidate
doing in Sedona Arizona?
Ron: Well, we’re trying to get to know the
American people and let them know me.
We’re having a blast learning about all the different cultures and
people and what they do, how they work and how they celebrate and live life.
Cher: Wow, that actually sounds pretty cool.
Ron: Oh yeah, well I’m a pretty cool guy, uh candidate.
Cher: Yeah, and you’re a pretty cute guy and your
hair is a work of art. You know I have
some friends in the Sinagua tribe and they are having a ceremonial dance
tonight. Why don’t I pick you up around
10:00. I’ll take you to a place where
you can really learn about the people of America before it ever was America.
I’d love to. That was 10pm, right?
Cher: Yeah, uh, 10pm. Where can I pick you up?
Ron: I’ll be on the campaign bus parked right out
there. It’s a big ole campaign bus with flags
and my picture on it. You can’t miss it. Great Caesar’s
Ghost! My Campaign Chairman, Wendy is going kill me. I’ve got to get back to the campaign.
to the door and has to push a mesmerized Howard through it.
his shoulder) It was nice to meet you Cher.
See you at 10.
Cher: (softly with a grin) Well alright there Mr. Presidential
Candidate. Nice to meet you too.
that. Ron Burgundy has a date with Cher
in Sedona. Who would have thunk it? Wow, Cher could become the First Lady. God Bless America!
54 here again. I came home from work
early the other day and caught some of my so called friends, shooting dice in
my kitchen. I’ve told them a hundred
times that “there’s no gambling in this house” but, they obviously don’t give a
damn. If my wife catches them, she’ll
make me collect them all and drop them off at Good Will.
as well introduce some of them to you.
You may have seen then in my earlier picture labeled Poison. They all wanted to be in that one. They’re such hams.
This is Georgy the Gecko. He's the ring-leader. He runs the craps game and takes advantage of the not-so-sharp little guys. That's how he finances his Cigar habit. I got to admit that I enjoy lighting up a nice Arturo Fluente with Georgy. He hates the Geico Gecko and is always saying he'd kick his ass. I didn't tell him that I have my car insurance with Geico.
Next is Froggy. He's Georgy's right hand,,,whatever and the jokester of the group. My wife hates Froggy because he's always hiding in a cupboard or drawer or in her purse and jumping out at her. I've had to stop her a couple of times from shoving him down the garbage disposal, with Froggy laughing the whole time. Froggy's not the sharpest tack in the box and Georgy has convinced he owes him $728,000.00 for some Real Estate they've invested they're craps winnings in. Someday the shit's going to hit the fan on that deal and I'm not going to get in the middle of it. I think we'll find out how tough Georgy really is that day.
Chipster pretends to be shy sometimes but he's really a great actor. If you look back at the Poison picture you can see that he really did look dead. When human friends come over they can catch a glimpse of him scurrying under tables and chairs. He wants to be subtle but he wants his attention too. When it's just the wife and I at home, Chipster will make a variety of squeaks and shrieks until someone picks him up and he's always around when I have the camera out.
Spike is one whose bark is worse than his bite. Actually he can't really bite you because he lost all his teeth on his lower jaw. We do feed him just like the others but, for some reason, he likes to eat from the garbage can so, his breath is always terrible. Yeah, he's not one of my wife's favorites either. Spike was abandoned in a park so, when I saw him all alone, I thought I could give him a good home but, he doesn't interact much with the others, except when the dice come out.
T chasing some food.
T is a true bad-ass. Again, not the brightest bulb on the string but, if you want something small destroyed or eaten, he's your,,,whatever. I can't keep enough little toy spiders, snakes or tiny dinosaurs around for him. T eats constantly but never gains any weight. T takes no crap from anyone but, it seems that Georgy has some kind of power over him even though T could rip him a new one in fight. I don't know how much of my change T has lost to Georgy in the craps games over the years but, you always see him in the game with that huge grin on his face.
Well, those are some of my little miscreant friends that help make my life a little more interesting. I'm sure I'll be writing about them and the others again when something interesting happens and something interesting always does happen. I've gotta get going now, I promised to take them to Taco Bell for lunch today. This should be fun.
here again. I got to listen in on what
was supposed to be some kind of organizational meeting of some unique
Americans. The meeting didn’t really go
very well and I don’t know if much was accomplished. Here’s my report.
Scene: A nice hotel suite that is set up like a
corporate board room with a long table and eight chairs. There is an easel with a flowchart near the
head of the table. In a nearby corner is Sweet Polly Purebred with a stenography machine. She’s obviously recording
the minutes of the meeting. Underdog
stands at the head of the table as the other attendees meet, greet find their
Underdog: Everybody please settle down and take your
seats. I’d like to get this meeting started.
attendees take their seats it becomes clear that everyone in the room belongs
to the canine species.
Snoopy: Say, what’s this meeting all about?
Lassie: Yeah, I don’t even know why I’m here. You
know I have to get back to keeping an eye on Timmy or he’ll fall down a well or
Scooby-Doo: RhI’m rhhungry!
Underdog: Okay, now that we’re all seated, we can
begin. I asked you all to come here
because something needs to be done. As
you know, Cats currently dominate this planet and that is just plain wrong.
Hound: (in a slow southern drawl) That’s right, they do dominate and that’s not
Tin: If I had my way, there’d be no
cats on this planet. I hate ‘em.
Lassie & Timmy
it easy. I’m not trying to start an
inter-species war. I just wanted to see
if we could organize our efforts to rebuild our standing as “man’s best
Dogg: War! Man, I ain’t up for no war. I could go for a couple Tacos right now,
ain’t that right, Scooby!
Scooby-Doo: Rhat’s rhhight!
everybody let’s focus. There’ll be no war
and no food until after our business is done so let’s concentrate.
Odie: Kibbles & Bits, Kibbles & Bits! Hey! I don’t want to go to war with my buddy
Dogg: Shiiiit! Man, Odie, Garfield
ain’t your friend you freakin idiot.
Underdog: Hey, hey everybody! Nobody’s talking about war and let’s be civil
to each other. Remember we want respect
from mankind again.
A siren from
a firetruck interrupts the meeting and most of the dogs jump up, knocking over their
chairs, to run to the open balcony. Leaning
over the rail, with their fore paws on it, they strain to watch the truck go by,
leaving only Snoop Dogg, Huckleberry Hound and Underdog at the table.
Dogg: Man, chasin firetrucks don’t make
no sense to me.
Hound: Exactly, once you’ve caught one,
the thrill is gone.
Snoop Dogg looks over his shades and down his snout at Huckleberry Hound.
Dogg: Huh? Dog, you didn’t catch no firetruck!
Hound: I most certainly did. In my
youth I was quite an athlete.
Underdog: Yo! C’mon
everybody. I’m trying to hold a meeting.
take a few minutes to get resettled around the table.
Underdog: Sweet Polly, where were we?
Polly: Snoop Dogg said Shiiiit!
Sweet Polly Purebred
Rin Tin Tin
Underdog: (interrupting) No, no, after that.
Polly: You said “Remember we want
respect from mankind again.”
Underdog: Yes, yes exactly. Now, for how many years have we been pulling man’s
dog sleds (Canadian Limos), sniffing their luggage at the airport and leading
them around when they can’t see. We’ve
been working too hard for too many years with too little respect. Look what Michael Vick had us doing and look
at the NFL. They have 4 teams named
after cats but, none named after dogs.
Tin: I thought the Cleveland Browns
were named after dogs?
Scooby-Doo: Rhat’s rhhight!
Odie: I don’t think so. The Browns are named after coach Paul Bear
Lassie: So, they’re named after a Brown Bear?
Hound: Paul Bear Bryant coached
Alabama. Roll Tide!
Underdog: Dogs, dogs, we’re getting off the point.
The door to
the room suddenly opens and we see Chester Cheetah standing in the
doorway. He tosses a tennis ball into
the room that bounces once and goes over the balcony railing. The same dogs that chased the firetruck jump up
to chase the tennis ball and leap over the rail after it. They all fall 5 stories into the Hotel
swimming pool, splashing and terrifying all the swimmers there who scream and run in a panic. Rin Tin Tin comes away with the
Tin: (doggy paddling in the pool with tennis ball
in his mouth) I got it!
Up in the
Hotel room, Chester Cheetah speaks to the stunned dogs that remain.
Cheetah: Looks like this meeting is
With a victorious
and devious laugh Chester runs down the hall at 60mph and is gone.
After a few
stunned seconds of silence, a dog speaks.
Hound: Well Mr. Underdog, thank you for
inviting me to your lovely meeting. Good
Huckleberry leaves, we hear from other dogs in the room.
Dogg: Man, that’s one strange dog. I gotta get some of what he’s smoking.
Polly: So does this mean the meeting is
Snoop Dog both look at Polly with their heads half-cocked and puzzled looks on
Wow, what a meeting! It may not have gone as planned but, I think
they meant well. I’ll have to keep an
eye on this pack.