Agent 54 is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. Agent 54 works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. Agent 54 reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Dog Days of Summer
here again. I got to listen in on what
was supposed to be some kind of organizational meeting of some unique
Americans. The meeting didn’t really go
very well and I don’t know if much was accomplished. Here’s my report.
Scene: A nice hotel suite that is set up like a
corporate board room with a long table and eight chairs. There is an easel with a flowchart near the
head of the table. In a nearby corner is Sweet Polly Purebred with a stenography machine. She’s obviously recording
the minutes of the meeting. Underdog
stands at the head of the table as the other attendees meet, greet find their
Underdog: Everybody please settle down and take your
seats. I’d like to get this meeting started.
attendees take their seats it becomes clear that everyone in the room belongs
to the canine species.
Snoopy: Say, what’s this meeting all about?
Lassie: Yeah, I don’t even know why I’m here. You
know I have to get back to keeping an eye on Timmy or he’ll fall down a well or
Scooby-Doo: RhI’m rhhungry!
Underdog: Okay, now that we’re all seated, we can
begin. I asked you all to come here
because something needs to be done. As
you know, Cats currently dominate this planet and that is just plain wrong.
Hound: (in a slow southern drawl) That’s right, they do dominate and that’s not
Tin: If I had my way, there’d be no
cats on this planet. I hate ‘em.
Lassie & Timmy
it easy. I’m not trying to start an
inter-species war. I just wanted to see
if we could organize our efforts to rebuild our standing as “man’s best
Dogg: War! Man, I ain’t up for no war. I could go for a couple Tacos right now,
ain’t that right, Scooby!
Scooby-Doo: Rhat’s rhhight!
everybody let’s focus. There’ll be no war
and no food until after our business is done so let’s concentrate.
Odie: Kibbles & Bits, Kibbles & Bits! Hey! I don’t want to go to war with my buddy
Dogg: Shiiiit! Man, Odie, Garfield
ain’t your friend you freakin idiot.
Underdog: Hey, hey everybody! Nobody’s talking about war and let’s be civil
to each other. Remember we want respect
from mankind again.
A siren from
a firetruck interrupts the meeting and most of the dogs jump up, knocking over their
chairs, to run to the open balcony. Leaning
over the rail, with their fore paws on it, they strain to watch the truck go by,
leaving only Snoop Dogg, Huckleberry Hound and Underdog at the table.
Dogg: Man, chasin firetrucks don’t make
no sense to me.
Hound: Exactly, once you’ve caught one,
the thrill is gone.
Snoop Dogg looks over his shades and down his snout at Huckleberry Hound.
Dogg: Huh? Dog, you didn’t catch no firetruck!
Hound: I most certainly did. In my
youth I was quite an athlete.
Underdog: Yo! C’mon
everybody. I’m trying to hold a meeting.
take a few minutes to get resettled around the table.
Underdog: Sweet Polly, where were we?
Polly: Snoop Dogg said Shiiiit!
Sweet Polly Purebred
Rin Tin Tin
Underdog: (interrupting) No, no, after that.
Polly: You said “Remember we want
respect from mankind again.”
Underdog: Yes, yes exactly. Now, for how many years have we been pulling man’s
dog sleds (Canadian Limos), sniffing their luggage at the airport and leading
them around when they can’t see. We’ve
been working too hard for too many years with too little respect. Look what Michael Vick had us doing and look
at the NFL. They have 4 teams named
after cats but, none named after dogs.
Tin: I thought the Cleveland Browns
were named after dogs?
Scooby-Doo: Rhat’s rhhight!
Odie: I don’t think so. The Browns are named after coach Paul Bear
Lassie: So, they’re named after a Brown Bear?
Hound: Paul Bear Bryant coached
Alabama. Roll Tide!
Underdog: Dogs, dogs, we’re getting off the point.
The door to
the room suddenly opens and we see Chester Cheetah standing in the
doorway. He tosses a tennis ball into
the room that bounces once and goes over the balcony railing. The same dogs that chased the firetruck jump up
to chase the tennis ball and leap over the rail after it. They all fall 5 stories into the Hotel
swimming pool, splashing and terrifying all the swimmers there who scream and run in a panic. Rin Tin Tin comes away with the
Tin: (doggy paddling in the pool with tennis ball
in his mouth) I got it!
Up in the
Hotel room, Chester Cheetah speaks to the stunned dogs that remain.
Cheetah: Looks like this meeting is
With a victorious
and devious laugh Chester runs down the hall at 60mph and is gone.
After a few
stunned seconds of silence, a dog speaks.
Hound: Well Mr. Underdog, thank you for
inviting me to your lovely meeting. Good
Huckleberry leaves, we hear from other dogs in the room.
Dogg: Man, that’s one strange dog. I gotta get some of what he’s smoking.
Polly: So does this mean the meeting is
Snoop Dog both look at Polly with their heads half-cocked and puzzled looks on
Wow, what a meeting! It may not have gone as planned but, I think
they meant well. I’ll have to keep an
eye on this pack.