Agent 54 : Is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. He works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. He reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
Agent 54 here again.I got to review a tape of Blitzed Wolfer
recording his first interview in his new series titled The Warrior’s Studio.Looks like this is going to be a very interesting feature on CAN (The
Cable Ass Network).Here’s my summary of the first episode.
Scene: On a stage there are just two comfortable
chairs set up for one on one interviews.
Blitzed Wolfer is seated on the left with his question cards and his
guest is on the right. There is a small
Wolfer: Welcome everyone to the first
of my new series of interviews called The Warrior’s Studio.
I’ll be bringing you fascinating insights from warriors who come from
all over the Universe. Please welcome my
first guest, Captain Carl Splatdorfman of the Rebel Alliance’s 1254th
X-Wing Fighter Squadron.
Audience: Polite applause for Capt. Splatdorfman.
Splatdorfman: Thank you, it’s a pleasure
to be here and the food is great.
Audience: Some chuckles.
Blitzed: Oh, did you enjoy the fair in our Green room?
Splatdorfman: (loud belch) Burrrrp! Oh,
I should say I did.
Audience: Muffled moans.
Splatdorfman: Yeah, you don’t get
Muskrat Parmigiana like that when you’re patrolling out in interstellar
Blitzed: Oh, Capt. Splatdorfman, I doubt it was
Muskrat. More likely it was chicken.
Splatdorfman: Yeah, whatever, it was
mighty tasty. Hey, call me “Splat”. Everybody does.
Blitzed: Alright, do they call you “Splat” because you
splatter your enemies?
Splat: Uh, no, not really. Uh, I dunno why they call me “Splat”. What the heck! It’s better than being called “Carl”.
What’s wrong with being called “Carl”?
Splat: Boy, these questions are tough! Anyway, you know
that Assistant Greens Keeper in the movie Caddyshed?
Blitzed: That’s Caddyshack.
Splat: What Cadillac? Ha!
Got ya! Boy, I’ve been telling
that joke for 20 years and it never gets old.
Audience: More moans and some groans.
Blitzed: (slightly annoyed) Yes, how amusing.
Splat: You’re welcome. Anyhow, you know nobody wants to be
associated with that half a dumb-ass, Carl from Caddyshack when you’re out
there battling The Empire.
Blitzed: So tell us about some of your more exciting
and dangerous battles with The Empirical Forces.
Splat: Yeah, in a minute but, right now I could go
for a cold brewsky. You got any in that
Green room? (getting up from his chair)
I could just run over and get us a couple.
You want a brewsky?
Please sit down. There are no
alcoholic beverages in the Green room.
Splat: You sure?
Have you checked that mini fridge?
Seems like a waste of mini fridge if you ain’t gonna put beer in it.
Blitzed: Please! Let’s get back on topic. Tell us what it’s like to be in a firefight
with the enemy?
Splat: Yeah, well, uh, you know, uh, I don’t really
Blitzed: What do you mean?
Splat: Well, uh, you know, space, space is really,
really big. So, you can cruise on patrol
for light years without seein nothing.
Hey! You know why they call it a “light year”?
Blitzed: (slightly annoyed) Why?
Splat: Cuz it’s got half the calories of a regular
year! Ha, ha, got you again. Man, I’m having a blast. Hey Blintzed, let’s go get some brews and
chicken wings after this, wadda ya say?
Blitzed: I doubt it.
Splat, what about all those decorations on your uniform?
Splat: You like that? My mom did it. Hey! I should call her to go out with us for
brews and wings. Yeah, that’ll be fun.
Blitzed: So, you’ve never been under enemy fire?
Splat: Enemy fire?
Uh, nooo. Shoot! I only fired my own weapons twice. Once by accident and the other time I shot at
a UFO that startled me. Hey! You know
what they call UFOs in interstellar space?
Blitzed: (slightly annoyed) What?
The two men
stare at each other in amazement for a few seconds, while the audience stares
at them in amazement too.
Blitzed: Well, I’m afraid we’ve run out of time. I’ll see you next time on The uh, Warrior’s
Studio with a much better interview.
Splat: (getting up to shake Blitzed’s hand) I dunno, I thought it went pretty dang good. (shouting to the audience) Hey!
Who’s up for Brews and Wings?
Alright! Let’s go.
Wow! What an insight to the Warrior’s
mindset. I’m glad Splat is on our side.
Agent 54 here again. You probably thought that the Democrats
weren’t going to hold any more debates until after they held their coronation for
Hillary Clinton. How wrong you
were. My NSA under the DORD recorded the
Secret Democrat Presidential debate.
Here’s my report.
Scene: Sound stage at Cable Ass Network’s Secret
location with 4 podiums set up but only 3 candidates are behind them. The Debate Monitor, Blitzed Wolfer sits at a
desk facing the candidates. The only audience
allowed are campaign staffers and security personnel.
Wolfer: Welcome everyone to CAN’s Secret
location for the 2016 Democrat Presidential Debate.
& Security: Mild applause.
Wolfer: On stage we have former Governor
Martin O’Malley (mild applause), Senator Bernie Sanders (mild applause), Vice
President Joe Biden (mild applause) and Hillary Clinton (the very loud sound of
recorded cheers from college football game blasts the studio).
Sanders: What the hell was that BS?
O’Malley: Yeah! Why the loud cheers for
Hillary and not us?
Clinton: (in a southern drawl) I didn’t
Wolfer: Where’s the Vice President?
Clinton: (in a southern drawl) Oh, you
know ole Dopey Joe. He always a day late
and dollar short.
Wolfer: Well, we can’t wait for
him. Let’s get started with our first
question for Candidate Bernie Sanders.
Senator, why the heck are you running against Hillary?
Sanders: What the hell kinda BS question
is that? I gotta right to run like every
other PC Commie Pinko Meathead in America.
Wolfer: Thank you Senator. Now Governor O’Malley, are you out of your
O’Malley: Say, what’s going on
here? Are you working for Hillary
Clinton’s Foundation or what?
Wolfer: Thank you Governor. Now Mrs. Clinton, with your vast experience,
intelligence, charm and overall talent, how do you think you will benefit every
single American best?
Hillary can answer, Dopey Joe Biden burst through a side door and trips up the
three stairs but, finally makes it to his podium.
Biden: I’m here teacher.
Clinton: (screeching) You’re
Biden: I’m sorry but, I fell asleep at
another of those boring National Security briefings we have every stupid day. OMG!
Wolfer: I’ve been told by my staff that,
Mr. Vice President you did not pay the full million dollar entrance fee. It says here you only paid $999.999.00.
Clinton: (in a southern drawl) Whadda I
Biden: I found a Nickel on the way in.
Wolfer: Well, that’s not good
enough. I’m afraid you’ll have to stay
and participate in the rest of the debate.
O’Malley: What gives here? I thought we would all be treated equally
Clinton: (sternly but, with a southern
drawl) Quit you’re whinin! You got ta
answer uh question.
Sanders: (to Hillary) What’s up with
that phony Southern accent? You’re about
as Southern as I am.
The lights suddenly go out and there’s the
sounds of a lot of commotion for 10 seconds.
When the lights come back on, Bernie Sanders is gone and at his spot
behind the podium is a polar bear. Everyone
including the polar bear turns and stares at Hillary Clinton.
Clinton: What! I didn’t do it. It must be that Vast Right
Wing Conspiracy again.
The polar bear pops his head off to reveal a
very sweaty Al Gore.
Gore: Hi everyone. Boy this Global Warming is really getting
bad. I’m sweating up a storm.
O’Malley: I guess you would be, in a 50
pound polar bear suit. Why are you
Gore: It’s comfortable.
Wolfer: Welcome Mr. Vice President
Gore. As long as you’re here, I may as
well ask you a debate question too. Tell
us, why do you think Hillary Clinton would be a great President?
O’Malley: I thought this was going to be
a real debate. Why has no one asked
Hillary Clinton about her Top Secret emails?
The whole room collectively gasps.
Special Agent Gracie Hart
In a flash, 25 FBI agents burst through
several doors and surround Hillary Clinton on the stage. Special Agent Gracie Hart puts Hillary in
Agent Gracie Hart: Mrs. Clinton, the FBI
would like to ask you about your classified emails.
Clinton: (starting to force a tear) But, my mother had it so hard…..
Wow! That was wild and crazy but, at
least it had a happy ending.
Agent 54 here again. Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the race to President Donald Trump. It was a great race for Ron. Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail. There are times when it’s hard to do your
job but, you know that somebody’s gotta do it.
I had to listen to an awful breakdown on the Ron Burgundy Campaign
bus. Here’s my report.
Scene: The Burgundy Campaign bus is rolling
down I-80 somewhere in Iowa. In the back half of the bus is Ron, The Only
Wendy Shade and Howard. The area
is a stinking mess. Used tissues,
napkins and greasy chicken bones abound.
A greasy KFC bucket (all beaks and feet) has been cut to look something
like a crown and is smashed into an empty seat.
Ron is unshaven and wearing a greasy t-shirt, Panda pajama bottoms and
bunny slippers. Ron’s hair is not good
and his eyes look like he’s been crying all day.
Wendy: (sternly) Ron!
You have to pull your head out of your ass right now. What if the press were to see you like
this? One picture of you right now and
the only place you could get elected would be New York.
Ron: (balling his eyes out) Bwah, ha but I love her bwa
I love Cher bwa aha aha
Snap out of it! (angrily) Oh,
I can’t take this anymore.
through the heavy curtains that separate the front half of the bus from the
back and fills her left hand with aspirin and her right hand with a plastic cup
In the back
half of the bus, Howard takes his turn.
Ron, as your spiritual adviser I advise you to pull your head out of
your ass immediately and then, take a shower.
Ron: (still balling) Get the bwah
ha get the heck out of here bwa ha ha
I’m gonna call her again boo hoo hoo
go now git! I don’t care what they say bwah ha ha, she’s not a smelly Pirate
hooker bwa ha aha ha…
to the front of the bus and takes his seat.
He looks at Wendy and shakes his head.
Scene: Cher’s residence in Hollywood. Cher opens the front door and she and her
latest boyfriend, 19 year-old Justin Bieber walk in. As Cher heads for the bathroom doing the pee
pee dance, the phone rings. Bieber
Justin: Hey, what’s happenin bro?
Whose this? Where’s Cher?
Justin: Who’s this?
I’ll tell ya who’s this, it’s the hottest pop star in the world. That’s,,,
Ron: (interrupting) Well, I don’t care! Put Cher on.
Justin: Hey old man, you don’t know who,,,
Ron: (interrupting) Just shut up and put Cher on, bwa ha ha.
the phone just as Bieber was going to hang it up.
Cher: Hello, who is this?
Ron: Cher, is that really you? It’s Ron.
Cher: Yeah, it’s really me, Ron, Ron,,,,Oh Ron
Burgundy, the candidate?
Ron: Yes, yes it’s me, Ron Burgundy your gentleman
Cher: Uh, okay, I guess, hey, how are you? Where are you?
Ron: I’m in a rolling steel case of emotion in
Idaho or somewhere. I’ve been calling
and texting and e-mailing you for days.
Where have you been?
Cher: Uh, nowhere special. You know, out and about. I did go shopping on Rodeo drive where I
found this terrific purple Gucci handbag,,,
Ron: (interrupting) I do not wish to talk of
trivial matters such as women’s accessories.
I want to discuss matters of the heart and of the bonding of two souls
in beautiful and meaningful bondingness.
Cher: Oh boy.
Listen Ron, I think you kinda got the wrong idea last weekend.
Ron: But, but, we made sweet love and talked of
rainbows and unicorns.
Cher: Yeah, and that was really groovy and all but,
you know, I’m not really a commitment type person. I’m still sowing my wild oats or something. Can you dig it?
of stunned silence.
Ron: But, I love you.
Cher: And I love you too and I love Ice cream and
my new handbag and Biebes (her nickname for Justin Bieber) over there and you know, love is what makes
the world go round. Listen, Biebes and I
are going to jump in the pool now. Give
me a buzz when you’re in Hollywood again.
Chow babe! Click!
Justin: (to Cher) Who was that babe?
Cher: Oh, just another love-sick man-child. Hey, ya want me to order a pizza?
Justin: Oh babe, I thought I’d take you out someplace
cool and fun. Wadda ya say we check out
Chucky Cheese tonight?
Cher: Chucky Cheese? Oh okay, whatever.
Back on the
bus an hour has gone by and everyone up front is asleep (except the
driver). Ron Burgundy burst through the curtains and
hops up to the front of the bus. He’s
wearing a perfectly pressed burgundy colored suit with a neat tie. He is clean shaven, smelling good and his
hair is a work of art. Everyone wakes as
Ron: Well now, is this a campaign or a funeral?
A couple of
seconds of stunned silence before the whole staff burst into applause for
Howard shouts:He’s baa-aack!
Ron: Back and better than ever my compadre.
Wendy: Whoo Hoo, it’s about time. You were starting to get on my nerves.
Ron: You know, I’m hungry. Driver, is there a steakhouse near here?
Driver: There’s an Outback Steakhouse at the next
Ron: To the Outback. Steaks and Merlo for everyone. Let’s re-charge on nature’s good bounty and
then go get some votes.
The whole bus erupts in enthusiastic cheers!
Just as the Phoenix rose from the
ashes, Ron Burgundy pulled his head out of his ass and renewed and rejuvenated
his campaign for President of the United States of America in 2016. Ron Burgundy is Classy.