Agent 54 is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. Agent 54 works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. Agent 54 reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Burgundy Campaign Bus Breakdown
Agent 54 here again. Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the race to President Donald Trump. It was a great race for Ron. Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail. There are times when it’s hard to do your
job but, you know that somebody’s gotta do it.
I had to listen to an awful breakdown on the Ron Burgundy Campaign
bus. Here’s my report.
Scene: The Burgundy Campaign bus is rolling
down I-80 somewhere in Iowa. In the back half of the bus is Ron, The Only
Wendy Shade and Howard. The area
is a stinking mess. Used tissues,
napkins and greasy chicken bones abound.
A greasy KFC bucket (all beaks and feet) has been cut to look something
like a crown and is smashed into an empty seat.
Ron is unshaven and wearing a greasy t-shirt, Panda pajama bottoms and
bunny slippers. Ron’s hair is not good
and his eyes look like he’s been crying all day.
Wendy: (sternly) Ron!
You have to pull your head out of your ass right now. What if the press were to see you like
this? One picture of you right now and
the only place you could get elected would be New York.
Ron: (balling his eyes out) Bwah, ha but I love her bwa
I love Cher bwa aha aha
Snap out of it! (angrily) Oh,
I can’t take this anymore.
through the heavy curtains that separate the front half of the bus from the
back and fills her left hand with aspirin and her right hand with a plastic cup
In the back
half of the bus, Howard takes his turn.
Ron, as your spiritual adviser I advise you to pull your head out of
your ass immediately and then, take a shower.
Ron: (still balling) Get the bwah
ha get the heck out of here bwa ha ha
I’m gonna call her again boo hoo hoo
go now git! I don’t care what they say bwah ha ha, she’s not a smelly Pirate
hooker bwa ha aha ha…
to the front of the bus and takes his seat.
He looks at Wendy and shakes his head.
Scene: Cher’s residence in Hollywood. Cher opens the front door and she and her
latest boyfriend, 19 year-old Justin Bieber walk in. As Cher heads for the bathroom doing the pee
pee dance, the phone rings. Bieber
Justin: Hey, what’s happenin bro?
Whose this? Where’s Cher?
Justin: Who’s this?
I’ll tell ya who’s this, it’s the hottest pop star in the world. That’s,,,
Ron: (interrupting) Well, I don’t care! Put Cher on.
Justin: Hey old man, you don’t know who,,,
Ron: (interrupting) Just shut up and put Cher on, bwa ha ha.
the phone just as Bieber was going to hang it up.
Cher: Hello, who is this?
Ron: Cher, is that really you? It’s Ron.
Cher: Yeah, it’s really me, Ron, Ron,,,,Oh Ron
Burgundy, the candidate?
Ron: Yes, yes it’s me, Ron Burgundy your gentleman
Cher: Uh, okay, I guess, hey, how are you? Where are you?
Ron: I’m in a rolling steel case of emotion in
Idaho or somewhere. I’ve been calling
and texting and e-mailing you for days.
Where have you been?
Cher: Uh, nowhere special. You know, out and about. I did go shopping on Rodeo drive where I
found this terrific purple Gucci handbag,,,
Ron: (interrupting) I do not wish to talk of
trivial matters such as women’s accessories.
I want to discuss matters of the heart and of the bonding of two souls
in beautiful and meaningful bondingness.
Cher: Oh boy.
Listen Ron, I think you kinda got the wrong idea last weekend.
Ron: But, but, we made sweet love and talked of
rainbows and unicorns.
Cher: Yeah, and that was really groovy and all but,
you know, I’m not really a commitment type person. I’m still sowing my wild oats or something. Can you dig it?
of stunned silence.
Ron: But, I love you.
Cher: And I love you too and I love Ice cream and
my new handbag and Biebes (her nickname for Justin Bieber) over there and you know, love is what makes
the world go round. Listen, Biebes and I
are going to jump in the pool now. Give
me a buzz when you’re in Hollywood again.
Chow babe! Click!
Justin: (to Cher) Who was that babe?
Cher: Oh, just another love-sick man-child. Hey, ya want me to order a pizza?
Justin: Oh babe, I thought I’d take you out someplace
cool and fun. Wadda ya say we check out
Chucky Cheese tonight?
Cher: Chucky Cheese? Oh okay, whatever.
Back on the
bus an hour has gone by and everyone up front is asleep (except the
driver). Ron Burgundy burst through the curtains and
hops up to the front of the bus. He’s
wearing a perfectly pressed burgundy colored suit with a neat tie. He is clean shaven, smelling good and his
hair is a work of art. Everyone wakes as
Ron: Well now, is this a campaign or a funeral?
A couple of
seconds of stunned silence before the whole staff burst into applause for
Howard shouts:He’s baa-aack!
Ron: Back and better than ever my compadre.
Wendy: Whoo Hoo, it’s about time. You were starting to get on my nerves.
Ron: You know, I’m hungry. Driver, is there a steakhouse near here?
Driver: There’s an Outback Steakhouse at the next
Ron: To the Outback. Steaks and Merlo for everyone. Let’s re-charge on nature’s good bounty and
then go get some votes.
The whole bus erupts in enthusiastic cheers!
Just as the Phoenix rose from the
ashes, Ron Burgundy pulled his head out of his ass and renewed and rejuvenated
his campaign for President of the United States of America in 2016. Ron Burgundy is Classy.