Sunday, June 26, 2016
The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. IV
Blitzed Wolfer: Welcome everyone to the fourth installment of The Warrior’s Studio. I’m your host, Blitzed Wolfer and it’s my distinct pleasure to welcome the intergalactic swashbuckler, Spacebeard to the studio today.
Audience: Polite applause for Spacebeard.
Spacebeard: Ahoy maties! Yo ho ho, it be great to be here with ye land lubbers.
Blitzed: So, I noticed you’re standing on your chair. Is that due to your wooden leg?
Spacebeard: Aye! Quite perceptive of ye there matey. Yea, since I lost me leg I find sitting to be quite uncomfortable for me.
Blitzed: Oh, did you lose your leg in a fierce battle with Empirical forces?
Spacebeard: Arrrrgh! No, no it weren’t quite like that.
Blitzed: Well, please tell us how it happened. I’m sure my audience would be fascinated to hear this story.
Spacebeard: Arrrrgh! Very well then. One space day when I be just hangin out on me Millennium Buzzard, arrrrgh, that’s me ship, with some Smelly Pirate Space Hookers I,,,
Blitzed: (interrupting) Wait! You hang out with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers?
Spacebeard: Aye! Why else would a man become a Space Pirate?
Spacebeard: Arrrrgh! Uh, No! That would be dumb. No, hanging out with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers and enjoying tons of fine booty taken from the Empire are the only reasons to become a Space Pirate. Aye! That and to be yer own boss.
Blitzed: Very interesting. Please tell us more about how you take the booty from Darth Vader.
Spacebeard: Aye! Well, me ship, the Millennium Buzzard is equipped with the latest electronic cloaking devices. That allows us to be hiddin near the shipping lanes between the largest vessels the Empire’s got and their space bases. Ye may know that the Empire uses EMPEX (Empirical Express) to send supplies from their bases to their largest star cruisers. Aye! Me maties and I, we wait until the coast is clear, then we be apouncin, or I mean we beam aboard the courier ships and yo ho ho, the booty is all ours.
Blitzed: Oh my! That sounds terribly dangerous. Don’t the couriers have security aboard? Do they put up a good fight?
Spacebeard: Arrrrgh! Hell no! That would be dumb. No, no we’ve taken care of them by cutting them in for a share of the loot from the booty we be sellin on the black space market.
Blitzed: How do you get away with that? Doesn’t Darth Vader use the dark side of the force to catch you?
Spacebeard: Yo ho ho, hell no! We be far too small a fly in the Empire’s ointment for them to catch us. Oh yeah, sometimes the lads on courier ships have to fake injuries or even their own deaths but, I makes it worth it for them. Darth don’t give a space rats ass about them.
Blitzed: I see. So, what kind of booty do you get from the EMPEX ships?
Spacebeard: Well, we be collectin lots of spare parts and electronics and weapons for sellin on the black space market but, the booty me and me mates prizes the most be the Pepperoni Pizzas.
Blitzed: Fascinating! I had a previous guest who told us the Empire loves Pepperoni Pizzas.
Spacebeard: Aye! It be true! And Space Pirates love Pepperoni Pizzas too. My mates and me, we’ve taken millions of frozen space Pepperoni pies from the Empire over the years. Aye! I even took the liberty to be fillin the mini fridge in yer green room with stolen Pepperoni Pizzas, courtesy of Darth Vader.
Blitzed: Oh, thank you. That was very kind of you. Maybe I’ll take advantage of that after this interview.
Spacebeard: Aye! I’m a thinkin the two Smelly Pirate Space Hookers I brought with me tonight might be enjoyin that too.
Blitzed: Wha, wha, wait! You brought a couple of Smelly Pirate Space Hookers with you? Really? Can I meet them?
Spacebeard: Aye! They be awaitin us in that there green room ye got with the Pizzas and a few space brews. Tonight ye be like one of me crew. Ye be partying like a real proper Space Pirate as soon as we wrap this up.
Blitzed: Oh boy! Well I guess that’s all the time we have. See ya later on the next episode of The Warriors Studio.
Wow! Didn’t I tell you these interviews were getting better and better. I’m sure this one was Blitz’s favorite.