Sunday, August 28, 2016
Agent 54 here again. I’ve been watching the Ancient Alien TV documentary series on the History channel. Ancient Alien Theory began with the book Chariots of the Gods? by Erich Von Daniken. Giorgio Tsoukalos is a main proponent of this theory and can be seen in every episode of the show. Tonight I jumped out of bed at 2:00 am because I now know why I’m fascinated by these shows. I have realized the shocking truth. Agent 54’s Ancestors were Ancient Aliens.
I don’t understand why it took so long for me to come to this conclusion. The evidence of my extraterrestrial lineage is and has always been all around me. Main stream science has been slow to acknowledge the existence of Aliens but, what do they know? When I was a kid they said there were 9 planets in our solar system and now they say there is only 8. Let’s keep an open mind. Let’s examine the evidence.
Erich Von Daniken and Giorgio Tsoukalos theorize that long ago, the Ancient Aliens came to earth in space ships and modified human DNA in an experiment intended to improve our species. This explains why Agent 54 is smarter, better looking and funnier than the early humans.
In the latest episode of Ancient Aliens, they explain that aliens are still abducting the genetically modified humans to monitor their experiment. They tell us that only 1% of the human population has green eyes but 50% of the reports of Alien Abductions come from people with green eyes. Agent 54 has green eyes.
Erich and Giorgio go on to explain that most abductees have no memory of being abducted but, under hypnosis can recall their terrifying alien encounters. Agent 54 has no memory of being abducted.
While Agent 54 hasn’t been hypnotized into giving up his Alien Abduction stories, I do write about the subject in my Agent 54 blog posts titled: Burgundy Campaign Spaces Out, Burgundy Campaign Spaces Out II and Bungalow Bill's Outer-Space Adventure. Coincidence? Agent 54 doesn’t think so.
You have to ask yourself, why does Agent 54 have a AAA membership that I’ve never used? Could it subconsciously have something to do with Ancient Alien Astronauts? Agent 54 is convinced it absolutely does.
I realized that the Ancient Aliens have been communicating with me in their own special, discreet way. My wife has observed the trance-like state that I often enter when watching the Ancient Alien episodes on the History channel from my reclining chair. She says this trance-like state is often accompanied by strange sounds coming from my body that kinda go “zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz”. Later, after I regain full consciousness (with coffee of course), Agent 54 is able to write fantastic tales that bring joy and laughter to the world.
I have often wondered why I’m fascinated with using my metal detector. Am I searching for treasure or looking for Ancient Alien Artifacts to prove my heritage? Agent 54 believes he’s on a journey to discover his extraterrestrial “roots”.
Main stream scientists are still publically denying the very existence of extraterrestrial life but, Ancient Alien theorists point to mountains of evidence and artifacts that science cannot explain. I have examined the evidence and Agent 54 believes we were visited in the distant past by Ancient Alien Astronauts.
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Agent 54 here again. There have been rumors going around the DORD that there could be budget cuts coming. At the same time the very symbol of the DORD, the noble Groundhog, is facing the threat of extinction on golf courses everywhere. This is doubly disturbing for me because less funding and the loss of the Groundhog mean less laughter and that makes the world a less funny place and nobody needs that right now or ever.
Just like how Bill Murray’s comedy career needed two movies co-starring the lovable rodent, the world needs to double down on the humor my NSA under the DORD and Groundhogs provide. Who else will “dig up the dirt” on the Ron Burgundy Campaign for President? What else would truck drivers order at diners other than “Groundhog Parmigiana” in an attempt to make waitresses laugh?
I understand that some people have a problem with my NSA spying on innocent American citizens whether they’re living or dead or fictional. I know golfers get angry when their balls go down a Groundhog hole or they break and ankle stepping in one. I believe that is a small price to pay for the hilarious humor we provide. Just think of the joy the millions of readers of this blog get on a daily basis. I know some of you are in stitches right now. You’re welcome.
Some people think the DORD is a waste of taxpayer dollars. I know many just think of Groundhogs as roadkill cuisine. I challenge you people to open your minds to giving the humor of the NSA and Groundhogs the respect that Agent 54 and Bill Murray deserve.
So, for the sake of worldwide levity, I’m calling on you for action now. I want you to support Politicians around the globe who promise to double the funding for the NSA under the DORD and create a second Groundhog Day on August 2nd annually to honor Spies and Groundhogs for humor’s sake.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Agent 54 here again. I recently had to fly across country for personal reasons and so I thought there might be some humor I could write about in the whole air travel process, but I was wrong.
Well, I thought I was wrong until one of the voices in my head, Bob, corrected me. Bye the way, Bob is the voice that I sent looking for that comedy idea I had lost in 2013 (Voices). I hadn’t named Bob at that point and he received some emotional injuries then but, Bob has made a full recovery and I know everyone is grateful for that.
So, three of the voices in my head and I are sitting here drinking coffee and discussing domestic air travel. You know Bob so, let me introduce Stu and John, Stu is the annoying voice that stutters and John is stoic and has a very subtle, dry sense of humor. Sometimes I think John doesn’t even know he’s being funny.
We all seem to agree about the best airline joke but the problem is that it is a visual joke. Bob is insisting I include it so, here goes nothing.
185 stewardesses walk into a bar and the bartender says “Oh, I’m sorry, we don’t serve stewardesses in here and the exits are here (pointing to the exits on either side of the bar with both hands like a flight attendant does on the pre-flight check-list) and here.”
Bob: See! It works great! You know if you listen to me more often you’d be making money on this blog. I mean big bucks!
Stu; Ye, ye, ye yeah. Li li li listen to B, B, Bob.
Agent 54: What the heck are you talking about? How can you say it works when I’m not even finished writing this yet?
John: Correct, Agent 54. The audience must decide if the joke works. As an audience member, I think it sucks.
Agent 54; John, you’re supposed to be a participant in this. Not an audience member.
John: I’m going to deny having anything to do with this project if you include that joke.
Bob: Who are you going to deny it to? You been talking to other people’s voices in their heads? Huh? You cheatin on Agent 54?
Stu: Ch, ch, ch cheater!
(John turns his nose up, crosses his legs and stares out a window into my subconscious.)
Agent 54: Shut up, Stu. How is that even possible? Com’on guys. We’re supposed to be writing something funny for my fans.
Bob: Fans? That’s a bit generous, don’t ya think.
Stu: F, f, f, fart joke fans.
Agent 54: Nothing wrong with a good fart joke. Let’s explore that some more.
Bob: Okay, let me ask you, Agent 54. Did you fart on the airplane?
Agent 54: Yes, yes I did. Every single one, every time I fly.
Stu: O, o, o, okay?
(10 seconds of silence)
John: You guys are morons. May I be excused?
Agent 54: No! Are you for real? Where the hell are you going to anyway?
Bob: Told ya, he’s cheatin on ya.
Stu: Ch, ch, ch cheater!
Agent 54: Guys! Com’on! We’re getting nowhere.
Stu: O, o, o, okay, h, h, h, how about this. A, a, a, airline food makes you f, f, f, fart.
Bob: That’s a fact Stupy boy, not a joke.
John: Agent 54’s farts are smarter than this whole conversation.
Bob and Stu make fart noises: ththththththththththffarttttttt.
Agent 54: Alright, that’s all I can take. Why don’t you guys go learn to speak Spanish or something.
Bob: Feliz burrito! Thththththfartttttt.