Sunday, January 24, 2016

After OZ

CL
  Agent 54 here again.  I got to listen in on another of  Blitzed Wolfer’s interviews this week.  Blitzed flew out to Arizona to find The Scarecrow, The Tinman and The Cowardly Lion, who are still good buddies after all these years.  Let’s catch up with our old friends.

Blitzed:  Hello again, this is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN and I’m here in Chandler, Arizona at the location of  the CLTMSC Security LLC company.  I’m here to find out how our old buddies from The Wizard of OZ are doing.  Let’s go inside.

Scene:  Inside it looks like a typical Bail Bondsman’s office with wanted posters and a general law enforcement theme.  The Cowardly Lion greets Blitzed.

Cowardly Lion:  Hi, how ya doin? 

Blitzed:  Hello Mr. Lion.  We spoke on the phone about the interview.

Cowardly Lion:  Of course we did.  C’mon in.  Make yourself comfortable.  Ya know, you can call me CL.

Blitzed: Thank you CL.  So, where are the other guys?

CL:  Oh, TM, uh, that’s the Tinman, he’s out collecting a bail jumper.  Ya know the Tinman always gets his man, ah ha ha.

TM
Blitzed:  Ha ha, that’s clever…and The Scarecrow?

CL:  Oh, he’s in the back office, numbers crunching as usual.

Blitzed:  So you guys all work here?

CL:  Yeah, we created this business together.  I’m the front lion and I manage and train our security guard employees.  Ya know, since I found my courage, I’ve really gotten good at this self-defense type stuff. 

Blitzed:  I see, it looks like you’re doing well here.  Why did the three of you come to Arizona?

Cl:  Oh, well, ya know, after that whole Wicked Witch of the West fiasco, we had to get the heck out of The Emerald City in a hurry! 

Blitzed:  Really?  I thought you guys were big heroes there.  What happened?

CL:  Oh yeah, the people loved us and I was elected King of the Forrest and all but, then the lawsuits started.  That darned WWW has about 50 cousins and half of them are lawyers.  I ain’t scared a nuttin no more except lawyers.  Damn lawyers!

Blitzed:  I don’t blame you.  So, do you ever hear from Dorothy?
SC

The Tinman comes through the front door, without his man.

CL:  TM!  Where’s your guy?

TM:  Sorry CL, I found him but, you know he has a family and he has to work the night shift to earn the money to pay for day care for the kids and…

CL:  (cutting of TM) Ya let him go again.

TM: Sorry CL.

Blitzed:  Does this happen often?

CL:  Too often!  TM, how many times have I told you?  Ya have to control that over-sized heart of yours.  SC is going to have a fit!

The Scarecrow comes out of the back room wearing a green account’s visor, pencil behind his ear and holding a financial ledger in his arms.  He looks up over his reading glasses.

BW
SC:  Tinman!  Your back.  Where is he?

CL:  Don’t ask.

TM:  Sorry SC.

SC:  (angrily)  I don’t believe it.  Now how do you expect me to pay for your annual rust proofing?  Honestly, you give migraines and I don’t even have a brain.

The Tinman starts to weep.

CL:  (handing TM a tissue)  Cut it out.  It’ll be okay. 

SC:  Incredible!

The Scarecrow rushes back into his office and slams the door behind him.

CL:  Take it easy TM.  You know SC is a worrier.  It will all be okay.

TM:  I dunno, he looked pretty mad.  You know, I think he still resents me for insisting we come to Arizona.

CL:  Nonsense!  He knows that if we stayed in Kansas, you would have rusted to death by now and he’d still be out standing in a field.

Blitzed:  Pardon me for interrupting but, is this business in trouble?

CL:  Well, in this “Obama Recovery” nobody is doing great but, we’ll get by.  Hey, thanks for coming out Blitzed and tell all your friends to call CLTMSC Security LLC for all their security needs.

Blitzed:  Thank you CL.  Well that raps it up.  This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN from Chandler, Arizona saying “thanks for watching”.  



Holly flying monkeys!  I had no idea those guys were in Arizona.  Stay tuned to Agent 54 to see who Blitzed Wolfer interviews next.


Sunday, January 17, 2016

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. III

AJ "Buckehead" Smith
  Agent 54 here again.   I’m very uh, happy and somewhat surprised to bring you the third episode of Blitzed Wolfer’s new interview series, The Warrior’s Studio.  As you may have noticed, it’s not going real well yet but, Blitzed Wolfer is hoping it’s just the learning curve.  Here’s my latest report from the (CAN) Cable Ass Network studio.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Welcome everyone to the third episode of The Warrior’s Studio.  I’m Blitzed Wolfer and today’s guest is AJ “Buckethead” Smith who has worked as a Radioman on several Rebel Alliance ships.

Audience:  Polite applause for “Buckethead”.

Buckethead:  Thanks Blitzed but, I’m not a Radioman.  I’m a Level 3 Communications Expert.  On the ship were referred to as Commie 3s.

Blitzed:  Oh, Commie 3s?  Why don’t you then wear a Red helmet?  (chuckling).

Buckethead:  Uh, I hope this is not supposed to be a comedy show.

Blitzed:  No, I apologize, I don’t know what’s gotten in to me.  Please tell me what ship are you currently serving on? 

Bob
Buckethead:  Yeah, I’ve worked my way up to the MC80 Home One Type Star Cruiser named “Bob”.

Blitzed:  Bob?

Buckethead:  Affirmative.  Bob is so big that I don’t think they’re even done building it yet.  It has as many people on it as a small moon.

Blitzed:  But, why Bob?  Who was Bob?

Buckethead:  Bob was probably a guy named Robert. 

Blitzed:  That would make sense.  Let’s move on.  Tell me why you’re still wearing that magnificent helmet with the antennae even though you’re off duty.

Buckethead:  It is magnificent isn’t it.  Really puts the Bucket in ole “Buckethead”.  I just love wearing it.  In fact I don’t ever take it off.

Blitzed:  Never?

Buckethead:  Nah, with all the great electronic scanning devices build in, I can listen to anything in the Universe with this hat on.

Blitzed:  Anything?  What do you like to listen to?

Buckethead:  Cubs games.  Let’s go Cubbies!

Blitzed:  You mean the Chicago Cubs?  Aren’t they the baseball team that hasn’t won in over a 100 years.

Buckethead:  Back off there Blitzed!  They’re my favorite and besides, any team can have a bad Century or so.

Blitzed:  Okay but, you never take that helmet off?  I mean, don’t you have to wash it?  Wouldn’t you like to shampoo your hair?

Buckethead:  How do you know I have any hair?

Blitzed:  But, just for hygiene purposes, I mean your face is looking a little green and your eyes are kinda red.

Buckethead:  Yeah, well I just thought I’d smoke a doobie to relax before coming in here.  Hey don’t you want to know more about my job as a Warrior for the Rebel Alliance?

Blitzed:  In a minute but, I think my audience would like to see you without the helmet.

Buckethead:  Yeah, well too bad.  The helmet stays on.

Blitzed: (turning to the audience)  Don’t you want to see “Buckethead” without his bucket?

Audience:  (the half that are still awake, kinda moan and groan)  Mmmfm.

Buckethead:  Blitzed, let me guess, you’re not the ratings leader in this time slot, are you?

Blitzed:  Uh, no, far from it.  So, what exactly do you do aboard “Bob”?

Buckethead:  Okay, now we’re getting back on track.  I listen to the non-coded communications of the people on the ships of the Empire.

Blitzed:  Non-coded messages?  Don’t you listen to secret communications? 

Buckethead:  Nah, that’s what the Commie 5s and above do.

Blitzed:  So, what does the enemy say in their “non-coded” messages?

Buckethead:  Well, they mostly order a lot of Pizzas. A lot of Pizzas. Sometimes they switch it up and call Jimmy John’s but, most of the time, Pizzas.

Blitzed:  Fascinating, so what have you learned about the Empire by listening to them?

Buckethead:  The Empire loves Pepperoni.

Blitzed:  Amazing.  What else do they talk about?

Buckethead:  Sports betting.  A lot of them bet against the Cubs.  I hate those rich bastards.

Blitzed:  Yes, don’t we all.  Well, that’s all the time we have on The Warrior’s Studio for today.  Join us next week for another inside look at our Intergalactic Warriors.

Wow!  That was the best of the series so far.  I guess we might have figured that the Empire was fueled by Pepperoni.



To Cubs fans everywhere, may the force be with you. 

Congratulations to Cubs fans everywhere.  The Cubs are World Series Champions!


Saturday, January 9, 2016

Smelly Pirate Hookers II

    Agent 54 here again. Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the race to President Elect Donald Trump.  It was a great race for Ron.  Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail. 

Just weeks before the Primary Election season begins, we have another update on the Smelly Pirate Hookers scandal that has been plaguing the Ron Burgundy Presidential Campaign from the start.

Blitzed: This is Blitzed Wolfer reporting from the 2016 Presidential campaign trail for CAN. We have Democrat Congressman Cam Brady here today to discuss the  smelly Pirate hooker scandal that is shaking the national campaign of Candidate Ron Burgundy. Congressman, you are from North Carolina a state that is famous for Pirates. Do you in fact know any smelly Pirates?

Cam Brady: Thank you for having me here Blitz. North,,,

Blitzed: (cutting him off) It’s Blitzed, my name is Blitzed.

Cam: Blintzed? Blipzed? Blitzed, Blitzed, is that it?

Blitzed: That’s it, how many Pirates do you know?

Cam: In North Carolina we are very proud of our East Carolina University Pirates and their football team. I know that sometimes after games or practices when they work-up a good sweat they can become temporarily “aromatically challenged” however, that is nothing that a hot shower and a splash of Sex Panther cologne won’t fix in a jiffy. I believe calling them “smelly Pirates” is, is irresponsible and uncalled for and also, Ron Burgundy is a fine man and his hair is a work of art.

Blitzed: Let’s get back to the question. The people want to know, how many smelly Pirates do you know?

Cam: I know many fine men, are some of them Pirates? Who is to say? You know it turns my stomach to hear fine men smeared with terms like “smelly” and “Pirates”. If the other side of the aisle wants to engage in that kind of politics, well then, let them. I however, will NOT stoop to their stinky level.

Blitzed: Congressman!  Do you or don’t you know smelly Pirates? 

Cam: In this great land we are free to pursue happiness in our own way. Standing on the deck of a Pirate ship is as American as well, as the Nina, Pita and the Santa Maria.

Blitzed: Okay, one more time, I’m looking for a number here, Cam boy. What about the smelly Pirates?

Cam: You know in America we have always had the right to….

Blitzed: (cutting Cam off) Okay, that’s it, it’s a wrap. Let’s get the hell outta here. Maybe if we hurry we can catch Nancy Pelosi coming from her psychiatrists office for a comment.

(While the crew is furiously shutting down and packing up)

Cam: Uh, okay, are we done?,,,,,,we’re done?,,,,,okay well thank you Blintzed and thank you America.  Are we off? We’re off? Because I have to get a haircut,,,,,,so I’ll just go then,,,,I’m going now,,,I’m gone,,,,I could come back,,,,no? Okay.


 Wow! We literally learned nothing there.  Will smelly pirate hookers continue to plague the Burgundy campaign?  What does Donald Trump think about smelly pirate hookers?  Was Hillary Clinton ever a smelly pirate hooker?  Stay tuned to Agent 54 as I reveal, uh, stuff I think I might know.