Saturday, March 5, 2016

Goats

   I jumped out of  bed at 3am this morning in a minor frenzy because I felt compelled to tell the world my thoughts on Goats.


  I know what you and your friends from your local snark tank are thinking.  You’re thinking “goats?, who cares about goats?”.  Exactly!  Goats have a sneaky, nefarious and undue influence on mankind and most of  us aren’t even aware of  it.  It’s time to examine the mysteries and motives of  these barnyard “animals”.


The next time you are in a petting zoo, take a close look at a Goat.  You’ll see that their eyes are too far apart and they look like a shark’s eyes and they have horns.  Would you trust a person that looked like this?  Indeed Goats look like they were made by Lucifer and are certainly not one of God’s creations.  Why do they have horns anyway and what about Goat’s milk and Goat Cheese?  Don’t Cows already produce enough high quality dairy products?  Why is Goat Cheese more expensive and where does that extra revenue go?  Do these facts add up to some kind of sinister plot?  Let us continue the examination.

    In sports you can often become a “Goat” or a “Hero” in the course of one play in one game.   Bill Buckner of  the Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs is the perfect example of  this.  As you may know, Buckner was an All-star player at times in his long career but forever became a Goat to Red Sox Nation when he misplayed one crucial ground ball in the 1986 World Series.  Of course everyone knows the tale of  The Curse of Billy the Goat. It seems that the owner of  the Billy Goat Tavern in Chicago was kicked out of a Cubs game because the pet goat he brought was stinking up the joint.  Goat owner Billy Sianis cursed the Cubs and they have been a joke of Major League Baseball ever since.  Is it a coincidence that Bill Buckner once played for the Cubs?  I don’t think so.

    What about the Rolling Stones?  The Stones have always been accused of being under the influence of Satan.  Their Goat’s Head Soup album was inspired by that delicacy they experienced while recording in Jamaica.  Why?  Jamaica is an Island.  Why didn’t they eat fish or shrimp instead of Goat?  Why would anyone eat Goat?  Why indeed, the mystery deepens.


  What about Goat behavior?  Some people keep them because they are natural lawn mowers but, truth is they will eat almost anything.  Why do Goats scream like escaped lunatics for Insurance company TV commercials?  What are they telling us there?  Have you seen the You Tube videos showing “Goat Tipping”?  No, it’s not giving a tip to a bad waiter.  That’s “Donkey tipping”.  It’s actually easy for humans to startle Goats and cause them to faint and fall over on their side.  Goat Tipping is fun for the whole family and it’s much safer than cow tipping but, it makes me wonder what is the motivation behind this strange behavior?

  Most of us humans have been subconsciously influence by Goats and we don’t even realize it.  I myself have been sporting a Goatee beard and rooting for the Minnesota Vikings, because they have horns, since I was 8 years old.  I have even glued a pair of  horns to an Arizona Cardinals hat and taken my one and only selfie while wearing my horns.  What else but, overdue Goat influence could possibly explain this strangeness?  Is it some kind of bovine-human Conspiracy?

  Why did Jim Breuer play “Goat Boy” on TVs Saturday Night Live program?  That could be dismissed as just bad programming by a lousy network and a mediocre comedian,,,or was it,,,Goat influence?  You be the judge.

  In conclusion, I want you to think twice about what you’re doing before you buy a pigmy Goat for the kids or sit around a campfire at night making s’mores and telling Goat stories.  Ask yourself  why you chose to have a pet Goat?  What, aren’t Cats and Penguins cute enough?  What compelled you to make that decision?  Is there something sinister going on between Goats and the Human Race?  I say, stay vigilant my friends and never ever ever trust a Goat.


Congratulations to Cubs fans everywhere.  
Cubs are World Series Champions!