Agent 54 is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. Agent 54 works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. Agent 54 reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Agent 54 here again.
We at the NSA under the DORD, picked up some strange communications from
very very very far away and I had to analyze it. It appears that the communications are coming
from a couple of the new exoplanets that astronomers are finding in our own
Milky Way galaxy. Exoplanets are planets
that orbit stars other than our Sun. The
really strange part is that the decoded messages are not from beings on these
planets but, from the planets themselves.
Yeah, I know, really weird.
Here’s my report.
Exoplanet Wolf 1061 (Wolf) is chatting with
Exoplanet Kepler 442 B (Keps)
Keps, whazzzzz uppppp?
you know same ole, same ole, orbitin and rotatin. Hey, you been checking out that weird solar
system with that planet with the humans on it again?
Wolf: Yeah, a
little. Tell the truth I get bored with Earth. Too stable for my tastes. You know I like little red hotties like
Venus. You know her surface is about 900
Kepler 442 B
yeah, she could keep you warm at night.
You know my favorite is Saturn. I
dig those groovy rings. Outta sight!
you always fall for those big stinky gas giants. I mean, I know they’re colorful but, dating
them is like going out to a cosmic porta-potty, ain’t it?
up! You know your Venus has a thick
stinky atmosphere too. Hey no planet is
well I never tried to score with no giant ice queen like Neptune or
Uranus. Remember when Uranus gave you
the cold shoulder?
you listen to yourself? Talking like
some kinda intergalactic Romeo or something.
You ain’t even got what it takes to attract a moon yet. Let me know when you got someone orbiting
night and day and then we’ll take about the laws of attraction.
Shiiit! That slimy, dirty pile a
debris you got orbiting you is nothing but a cosmic dumping sight. That thing is the trailer trash of the
just jealous of my trailer trash cuz you ain’t even got that. Anyway, when you gonna make a move on
Venus? You know, she ain’t getting no
I’m a planet with a plan. I’m just waiting
till the time is right and our systems are just the right distance from each
other, then boom! I use a volcano to
send her some of my life forms.
be careful. With that thick and hot
atmosphere of hers, she’s likely to crush and fry your little “gifts of life”.
Com’on! You know I thought of
that. I’m gonna send her some extreme
life-forms that can survive and thrive all over my little Venus.
well good luck with that. Me, I’m
looking forward to the day I can look Saturn in the eye and tell her how
beautiful she is.
and if that don’t work out, you can look Jupiter in her big red eye and tell
her you love her too.
jerk! You know nobody likes that big fat
ya mean? She’s a big stinky gas ball
too. Ain’t that your style?
really are a jerk, there Wolf. Why do I
talk to you?
This opens up a whole new field of investigation for my NSA under the
DORD.I’m sure everyone in the Universe
is going to want to know what the other planets are thinking about their
celestial neighbors.I could end up with
a TV show on the Bravo Network or something.