Interplanetary Gossip

Wolf 461

  Agent 54 here again.  We at the NSA under the DORD, picked up some strange communications from very very very far away and I had to analyze it.  It appears that the communications are coming from a couple of the new exoplanets that astronomers are finding in our own Milky Way galaxy.  Exoplanets are planets that orbit stars other than our Sun.  The really strange part is that the decoded messages are not from beings on these planets but, from the planets themselves.  Yeah, I know, really weird.  Here’s my report. 

Exoplanet Wolf 1061 (Wolf) is chatting with Exoplanet Kepler 442 B (Keps)

Wolf:  Hey Keps, whazzzzz uppppp?

Keps:  Awe, you know same ole, same ole, orbitin and rotatin.  Hey, you been checking out that weird solar system with that planet with the humans on it again?

Wolf:  Yeah, a little.  Tell the truth I get bored with Earth.  Too stable for my tastes.  You know I like little red hotties like Venus.  You know her surface is about 900 degrees. 

Kepler 442 B

Keps:  Oh yeah, she could keep you warm at night.  You know my favorite is Saturn.  I dig those groovy rings.  Outta sight!

Wolf:  Man, you always fall for those big stinky gas giants.  I mean, I know they’re colorful but, dating them is like going out to a cosmic porta-potty, ain’t it?

Keps:  Shut up!  You know your Venus has a thick stinky atmosphere too.  Hey no planet is perfect.

Wolf:  Yeah, well I never tried to score with no giant ice queen like Neptune or Uranus.  Remember when Uranus gave you the cold shoulder?

Keps:  Will you listen to yourself?  Talking like some kinda intergalactic Romeo or something.  You ain’t even got what it takes to attract a moon yet.  Let me know when you got someone orbiting night and day and then we’ll take about the laws of attraction.

Wolf:  Shiiit!  That slimy, dirty pile a debris you got orbiting you is nothing but a cosmic dumping sight.  That thing is the trailer trash of the Universe.

Venus

Keps:  You’re just jealous of my trailer trash cuz you ain’t even got that.  Anyway, when you gonna make a move on Venus?  You know, she ain’t getting no younger.

Wolf:  Hey, I’m a planet with a plan.  I’m just waiting till the time is right and our systems are just the right distance from each other, then boom!  I use a volcano to send her some of my life forms.

Keps:  Yeah, be careful.  With that thick and hot atmosphere of hers, she’s likely to crush and fry your little “gifts of life”.

Wolf:  Com’on!  You know I thought of that.  I’m gonna send her some extreme life-forms that can survive and thrive all over my little Venus.

Keps:  Yeah, well good luck with that.  Me, I’m looking forward to the day I can look Saturn in the eye and tell her how beautiful she is.  

Wolf:  Yeah, and if that don’t work out, you can look Jupiter in her big red eye and tell her you love her too.

Keps:  You jerk!  You know nobody likes that big fat cyclops.

Saturn 

Wolf:  Whadda ya mean?  She’s a big stinky gas ball too.  Ain’t that your style?

Keps:  You really are a jerk, there Wolf.  Why do I talk to you?

Wow! This opens up a whole new field of investigation for my NSA under the DORD.  I’m sure everyone in the Universe is going to want to know what the other planets are thinking about their celestial neighbors.  I could end up with a TV show on the Bravo Network or something.

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