Saturday, April 22, 2017
The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. VII
Agent 54 here again with another installment of Blitzed Wolfer’s terrific interview series on CAN. Who knew Blitzed would outlast Bill O’Reilly?
Today’s interview subject is kind of a happy accident and a social experiment at the same time. Let’s check out what Knucklehead Ned, formerly of the infamous Spacebeard crew, is up to now.
Blitzed: Welcome to The Warrior’s Studio for our 7th edition. I bumped into Knucklehead Ned, the former First Mate for the infamous space pirate, Spacebeard and he graciously agreed to join us here today. Please welcome Knucklehead Ned.
Audience: Mild applause
Ned: Aye, how ya doin?
Blitzed: Quite well. I noticed you seem to have an unique way of expressing yourself Knuckle, or do you prefer Head or, uh, I apologize, what do I call you?
Ned: Argh Ned, will do just fine and fuggedaboutit!
Blitzed: Yes, it seems that you have picked up some of the local vernacular in your brief stay here in New York City.
Ned: No, the wench at the clinic said I was doin ahh-ight.
Blitzed: No, I meant that you have adopted some of the phrasing and accents found here.
Ned: Aye, I’ve loined a ting or two from my new mateys in the Savage Skulls club of da Bronx.
Blitzed: Oh my, the Savage Skulls? Aren’t they a vicious criminal gang?
Ned: Argh, I’d say they be more like mischievous than vicious, ya know what I’m sayin?
Blitzed: Not exactly but, let’s move on. Okay so, do you miss your swashbuckling about the galaxy days with Spacebeard? Tell me why you left your crew.
Ned: Argh, the question be, why did they leave me? Aye, sometimes I do miss microwaving the Captain’s Pepperoni Pizza and hanging out with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers but, me new mateys and I be chillin in the crib and smokin blunts. Yo Ho! It’s more fun than a barrel of space rum.
Blitzed: So, you’re not going to rejoin Spacebeard and pilfer Pepperoni Pizzas from Darth Vader and the Empire anymore?
Ned: Argh, I’m sure when they get to noticin I ain’t around and when the coast is clear, Captain Spacebeard will come about to beam me aboard and it’ll be just like olden times.
Blitzed: Yes well, the coast better be very clear because we just got rid a nosey official from The Empire who was asking a lot of questions about stolen Pepperoni Pizzas.
Ned: Yo! You know, snitches get stitches. What exactly did you tell da man?
Blitzed: Oh don’t worry. I made up a BS story about a failed investment in an Italian restaurant in Queens. He bought it hook line and sinker.
Ned: Aye, I did hear that ye be full-a-shit but, I better not hear nuttin about you singin like no boid.
Blitzed: (nervously) Honestly, I didn’t tell ’em nuttin,,,I mean anything. I can keep my beak,,,uh,,, mouth shut.
Ned: Aye, of course ye can. Hey don’t get noivous, fuggedaboutit!
Wow! Who woulda thunk a few dozen stolen Pepperoni Pizzas would still be giving Blitzed indigestion all these months later.