Sunday, July 22, 2018

The Scorpion Whisperer

  Agent 54 here again.   Once upon a time last night, I was sitting on my porch in my favorite chair smoking a cigar and chatting with a neighbor and my wife when my wife yelled “Agent 54, there’s a scorpion”.   I turned to see a mean and ugly scorpion with his hands in the air like he just don’t care and snarl on his face, running directly toward my position.  Quick as a cat, I jumped up and stepped on it, killing it only a few inches from my chair.  I had to wonder, what was on this scorpion’s mind.  What were it’s true intentions?

  I’ve been killing scorpions ever since I moved to my new home.  I have a black light flash light and I put on a pair of gloves and I go out and stab the scorpions in the face with my pocket knife and dump them in a canister of soapy water.  I’ve gotten hundreds of the pests over the last few months so, I have to ask myself, was this latest event just a rogue suicidal charge or is there a larger plot afoot by my enemies?  What is really going on?

It’s not that I hate scorpions.  They’re not evil.  After all, they just want what we all want for our own families.  A place to sleep, a good meal, good schools and a suitable mate.  Heck, they eat some of the other pests that I really do hate, like mosquitoes.  We really should be allies except for the fact that they freak my wife out.  I kill them so Mrs. Agent 54 won’t accidentally step on one and get stung.  We all know if she got stung, she would scream and panic, thinking she’s allergic and I’d have to run her to the hospital.  Nobody wants that. 

  Actually scorpions are kind of interesting.  For one, they got no neck.  Can you imagine going through life with your body, head and arms all coming out of the same place?  Another thing is that they will eat other scorpions.  Wouldn’t that make dating difficult?  Think about it.  You meet a cute girl say hello and then you have to decide, do I want to mate with her or devour her?   Meanwhile, she’s deciding the same thing about you.  Awkward! 

  Let’s say you are a good-looking, successful male scorpion with a nice bachelor lair and you happen to impregnate a nice girl scorpion.  They give birth to 25 to 35 kids at a time!  There goes your weekends.  With that many mouths to feed and diapers to change, you may never get another night out with the boys.  And don’t get caught admiring another cute little scorpion girl’s tail or your jealous life-mate may sting you with hers and feed you to the family.

  I read other interesting things like the fact that scorpions can go 6 months without eating.  That would suck.  I’m hungry right now.   Also, I have to wonder why they glow bright green under an Ultra-Violet light?  What is the purpose of that?  Does it have anything to do with Space Aliens?  They say scorpions have been around since the dinosaurs roamed the Earth.  Do scorpions have Ancient Alien Ancestors?  What if it were true?

  Coming back to the original question, I have to wonder if the word is out in scorpion social media circles, that I’m the greatest scorpion hunter in the entire trailer park?   Is there a secret scorpion criminal organization called S.T.I.N.G.? Are they plotting in an underground lair (like a hollowed out termite’s nest) with a specific mission to take me out?  Do they have a scorpion equivalent to Dr. Evil and Mini Me?  Is my very life in danger?

  Then I was thinking does this really have to be an all-out war?  Maybe I can find a way to communicate and negotiate with the local scorpions.  Maybe I can get them to bug-out to the next trailer park over?  Surely, Arizona is big enough for all of us.  This could turn out to be a win-win scenario except, for the people in the next trailer park.  They’re screwed but, who cares!

  So, if you know how to communicate with scorpions, please pass that information on using the comments box on this blog post.  Thanks in advance.  

Agent 54 – The Scorpion Whisperer

Friday, May 11, 2018

Franken Stein 2020

  Agent 54 here again.  I’ve got Blitzed Wolfer’s latest and greatest interview with the first Presidential campaign ticket for 2020.  It should be a very interesting race.  Here’s Blitzed with the Franken Stein 2020 candidates. 

Scene:  CAN Studio.  Blitzed is sitting the on stage with the two candidates opposite of him.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Hello America, this is Blitzed Wolfer with the first CAN interview of the 2020 campaign season.  I have Al Franken and Jill Stein who have joined up to form Franken Stein 2020.

Al Franken:  Hi Blitzed, I’m very excited to announce my candidacy for the Democrat nomination for President in 2020.   And, may I introduce my lovely running mate from the Green Party, Jill Stein.

Jill Stein:  Good to be here with you Blitzed. I’m honored to have been picked by Senator Franken as his choice for Vice President.  

Blitzed:  Well, the two of you make for a very diverse ticket. Please tell America about your platform for your campaign.  

Franken:  Happy to Blitzed, I stand for the Democrat principles of hating President Trump, Higher Taxes and Legalized Marijuana.  

Stein:  Yes, and you know my motto and the credo of the Green Party, One Tree One Vote.

Blitzed:  Really?  So you believe it’s a good thing for Americans to be stoned.

Franken:  Hey, I resemble that remark.  In fact I just smoked a doobie backstage.

Stein:  What?  You didn’t.  I know you are not for cutting down beautiful green plants to smoke just so you can play video games in your mommies’ basement.

Franken:  I resemble that remark.

Stein:  Well, as an advocate for all living things green, I cannot condone that kind of behavior.  Find yourself another running mate, Al.  ( Jill Stein gets up and storms off the stage. )

Blitzed to Franken:  Uh oh, looks like you just lost your V.P. before you could even get a chance to grope her.

Franken:  What! Grope her?  She’s a Vegan hypocrite and her farts smell like horse turds.

Blitzed:  Well it looks like that’s all we have time for.  This is Blitzed Wolfer saying stay tuned to CAN for all the latest from the Campaign Trail 2020.

Wow! What a fun and interesting interview.  Looks the Campaign for President in 2020 is going to have lots of twists and turns.  I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Meteor Crater and Winslow Arizona

  Meteor Crater and Winslow Arizona

 Back in 2010 I took a trip to Northern Arizona to see Meteor Crater, The Rock Art Ranch and Winslow Arizona.  I think I took some cool pictures.  Check it out.

                                   It was March and it had been snowing in the Flagstaff area. 

                                                Meteor Crater from 5 Miles away.
                                                             The visitor's Center.


                                           The Bottom of the Pit. Can you see the Astronaut?
                    Looking back at the San Francisco Peaks near Flagstaff from the rim of the crater.
                                       On to Winslow Arizona. "Staning on the Corner".

                                                     La Posada Hotel in Winslow.

                                         La Posada is like a museum and art gallery in one.
                           After staying the night in Winslow, it was on to the Rock Art Ranch which is a museum and a working 70,000 acre ranch run by cowboy Brantley Baird. 

                                      They say these glyphs could be 9,000 years old. 

                  I had a great time visiting Meteor Crater, The Rock Art Ranch and Winslow Arizona

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Movie Review: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

  Agent 54 here again.  It was movie day for the gang and I again and despite some whining and moaning we saw Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 instead of Chips.  As usual, we went to the pool afterward to voice our opinions.  Here’s our review:

Agent 54:  Well, leading off again, I have to say that despite how far-fetched the story and characters are, I really enjoyed Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2.  

Shamu:  Far-fetched?  Man, you know what’s far-fetched?  You thinking anyone believes you can take us all to the movies, comfortably, in that stupid little car you got.

Agent 54:  What?  You never complain on the way to the theater. 

Shamu:  Yeah, well I ain’t dumb.  I don’t want you to kick me out half way there.  I ain’t walkin to the movies.

Rocket Raccoon 
Agent 54:  Whatever!  Getting back to the movie, it was fun and rollicking space adventure with great scenery, great characters and great music.

Flipper:  Oh yeah, you know I liked Gamora.  I dig those red high-lights in her dark hair against her green skin.  Yowsa!

Charlie Tuna:  Easy there Flip, have a little class.  Remember, this is a family show.  Now the character I liked the best was Ego who was played by Kurt Russell.  That dude had class, until he told of his grand plan to remake the Universe and kill everybody.  That wasn’t cool.

Nemo:  You guys didn’t even mention the real star of the show.  Baby Groot is as cute as me.  I loved watching him dance to the 1980s Rock-n-Roll while the rest of the group was fighting the ugly monster in the beginning.  Baby Groot is the coolest.

Agent 54:  Yeah, Baby Groot stole the show at times.  Of course my favorite character,
Yondu who was played by Michael Rooker got killed in the end.  I always enjoyed Rooker as an actor and the rogue character of Quill’s stepdad and Captain of a ship of Ravagers was very cool.

Flipper:  Cool?  What?  Do you remember that guy killed his whole crew with that magic arrow that he controlled by whistling.  Those guys were his buddies and he wiped them all out.

Shamu:  Flip!  They had a mutiny against him and took over his ship.  What the heck would you do?  Those bums got what they deserved.

Agent 54:  Yeah, a mutiny about a vehicle, like when someone criticizes the driver and the car they’re riding all over the place in.

Shamu:  Okay “Captain”.  Man, you need to get over yourself.

Nemo:  I like Agent 54’s car.

Shamu:  Man, you so small you can fit in the glove box with room to spare.  Anyway, I want to say, before I get kicked out of the pool for mutiny by “Captain” Agent 54, I loved the movie.  I loved all the action and adventure and the jokes and Rocket, played by Bradley Cooper, is my guy.  That high-tech genius does and says what he wants and he don’t care.

Flipper:  I like Drax the Destroyer, played by Dave Bautista too.  That guy is hilarious without even trying to be funny.  When he told that beautiful new girl, Mantis, played by Pom Klementieff that she was ugly, that just cracked me up.

Agent 54:  I think that’s what really works with these two Guardians of the Galaxy movies.  There is someone or something the everyone can identify with.  There’s a character for everyone to pick as their favorite.  I like the way they balance the bad guys and side characters out too.  You get Ego who is a nearly undefeatable God-like villain versus the egotistic and yet goofy Sovereigns and then the divided Ravagers sects.  Truly a diverse group as you would imagine the Universe really is.

Charlie Tuna:  Gee, that was a deep and almost scientific analysis of the move, and BOOORING!  

Shamu:  Nerd alert!

Flipper:  Nerd alert!

Drax The Destroyer
Agent 54:  Aw, don’t start that crap again.   Just give me your Starfish.

Shamu:  5 Starfish, I dug it.

Flipper:  5 Starfish all day.

Nemo:  5 Starfish for Baby Groot.  Hooray!

Charlie Tuna:  4 Starfish.  I don’t think they had to kill that Classy Ego guy.  Couldn’t they try talkin to the guy, maybe a little psycho-therapy?

Agent 54:  Uh, yeah, I guess.  I give it 5 Starfish too and I can’t wait to see the next one and next time Shamu, you can take the bus to the theater.

Shamu:  Yeah, whatever “Captain” Agent 54.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Horsing Around

Always Dreaming
  Agent 54 here again.  Well, Saturday was Kentucky Derby day in America and that means funny hats, Mint Julips and horseys.  I always wanted a pony.   I never wanted a race horse.  Just an old steed with no name as a buddy to wander about the dessert with.   Anyway, I got to spy on group of friends who were wearing funny hats, sipping Mint Julips and discussing the event.   Here’s my report.

Scene:  The building looks like a large stable but, inside it’s a horse racing themed bar with lots of wood furniture, wooden bar and lots of pictures of horses and jockey and lots of horse racing paraphernalia on the walls.  A group of friends occupies most of the bar.  It’s several hours before the race.

Donkey:  Oh boy, I can’t wait to bet $100 on “McCraken”.  You know  Tim McCraken was a mean Ice Hockey player in the old movie “Slapshot” and I think “McCraken” is a mean horse and it takes a mean horse to win The Kentucky Derby.

Flicka:  It don’t take no mean horse to win the race.  It takes a fast horse.  Hey Donkey, where’d you get that stupid hat?  Man, it looks like a dollar store shower curtain.

Donkey:  What?  I got it at the race track gift shop.  It’s a nice hat.  They said everyone would be wearing them.  Why ain’t you got no hat on?

Flicka:  Sheesh, hats are for domesticated animals.

Mr. Ed (to Flicka)  Whoa there.  Well, Aren’t you Mr. Wild and Free.  I got a hat on just to feel like more of a part of the festivities.  Nobody cares what it looks like.

Baba Looey:  Si, a fancy sombrero is just part of the fun.  Say Mr. Donkey, isn’t it your turn to buy the next round of Tequila?

Donkey:  Indeed, it is my turn to buy but, we ain’t drinking no Tequila.  Bartender!  A round of Mint Julips for my friends.  I love Kentucky Derby Day and I love my new hat and I love Mint Julips.

Silver:  A good hat was always very important for the Lone Ranger.  Now, Donkey’s hat choice was very smart.  He knew we’d be drinking all these Mint Julips today.
With that hat, Donkey never has to worry about having a place to puke.  

Scene:  All the horses, donkeys, burros, mules the bar crack up laughing except poor ole Donkey.

Donkey (under his breath)  I don’t care what they say, this is a nice hat and I ain’t ever gonna puke in it.

Trigger:  Don’t let them get to ya, Donkey.  They’re just kidding and their hats are no better than yours.
Roy Rogers and Trigger

Flicka:  Mr. Ed’s hat is better, if you’re into hats and running with the crowd.

Silver:  Yeah, forget the hats.  What do you guys think of “Fast an Accurate” in this race?  He’s getting 34-1 odds.

Trigger:  “Fast and Accurate”?  Is that a horse or a secretary in the steno pool?  I like “Gunnevera” at 9-1.

Baba Looey:  Si, “Gunnevera” is going to win the race.

Trigger:  Right you are Baba, give me a hoof-pump.  (don’t try hoof-pumps at home)

Flicka:  You guys are nuts!  “Untrapped” is gonna ride a wave of pure Freedom to victory and make me very rich at 80-1.

Mr. Ed:  Yeah, then you can buy that house in the suburbs you always wanted, eh Flicka?

Flicka:  No way!  After “Untrapped” wins, you guys will never see me again.

Baba Looey:  Oye, do not quit your day job, Mr. Flicka.

Scene:  Everyone at the bar cracks up laughing again.

Scene:  It’s after the race at the same bar with the same friends and everyone is a little wetter, a little drunker and a little poorer.

Donkey:  Man, I knew I should have bet on number 5.  Number 5 has always been my favorite number.  Cinco de Mayo has always been favorite holiday.  Yeah, number 5 all the way.

Mr. Ed:  Yeah Donkey, I guess “McCraken” wasn't all he was “McCrakened” up to be.

Silver:  Yeah, “McCraken” sounds like something you get for breakfast at a fast food place, not a fast horse.

Baba Looey:  Mr. Flicka, I’m sorry “Untrapped” didn’t win.  Do you need Quicksdraw and me to help you find a new job?

Flicka:  Buzz off shorty,  That race was fixed by the same corporations that enslave you guys and you don’t even know it.

Trigger:  Yeah well, “Gunnevera” turned out to be a real refugee from the glue factory.

Silver:  Yeah, and “Fast and Accurate” was actually “Slow and Sloppy”.  Hey Ed,
Lone Ranger and Silver
You’re a know-it-all.  Who’d you blow your money on?

Mr. Ed:  (slurring his words)  Shoot!  I paid $20 for a tip for the name of some nag that I’m not sure if it really ran in the race.  I think I had too many Mint Julips.  Hey Donkey!  Quick, gimme your haaaaat!

Donkey:  Get your own damn hat!  This is a nice hat.  I’m keepin this hat and I’m gonna wear it every day to remind me of the fun I had with my friends here today, damn it!

So none of this equestrian gang could pick the winner.  Congratulations to “Always Dreaming” and better luck next year to the gang.  

Saturday, April 22, 2017

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. VII

  Agent 54 here again with another installment of Blitzed Wolfer’s terrific interview series.  Who knew Blitzed would outlast Bill O’Reilly?

  Today’s interview subject is kind of a happy accident and a social experiment at the same time.  Let’s check out what Knucklehead Ned, formerly of the infamous Spacebeard crew, is up to now.

Blitzed:  Welcome to The Warrior’s Studio for our 7th edition.  I bumped into Knucklehead Ned, the former First Mate for the infamous space pirate, Spacebeard and he graciously agreed to join us here today.  Please welcome Knucklehead Ned.

Audience:  Mild applause

Ned:  Aye, how ya doin?

Blitzed:  Quite well.  I noticed you seem to have an unique way of expressing yourself  Knuckle, or do you prefer Head or, uh,  I apologize, what do I call you?

Ned:  Argh Ned, will do just fine and fuggedaboutit!

Blitzed:  Yes, it seems that you have picked up some of the local vernacular in your brief stay here in New York City.

Ned:  No, the wench at the clinic said I was doin ahh-ight
Blitzed:  No, I meant that you have adopted some of the phrasing and accents found here.

Ned:  Aye, I’ve loined a ting or two from my new mateys in the Savage Skulls club of da Bronx.

Blitzed:  Oh my, the Savage Skulls?  Aren’t they a vicious criminal gang?

Ned:  Argh, I’d say they be more like mischievous than vicious, ya know what I’m sayin?

Blitzed:  Not exactly but, let’s move on.  Okay so, do you miss your swashbuckling about the galaxy days with Spacebeard?  Tell me why you left your crew.

Ned:  Argh, the question be, why did they leave me?  Aye, sometimes I do miss microwaving the Captain’s Pepperoni Pizza and hanging out with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers but, me new mateys and I be chillin in the crib and smokin blunts. Yo Ho!  It’s more fun than a barrel of space rum.

Blitzed:  So, you’re not going to rejoin Spacebeard and pilfer Pepperoni Pizzas from Darth Vader and the Empire anymore?

Ned:  Argh, I’m sure when they get to noticin I ain’t around and when the coast is clear, Captain Spacebeard will come about to beam me aboard and it’ll be just like olden times.

Blitzed:  Yes well, the coast better be very clear because we just got rid a nosey official from The Empire who was asking a lot of questions about stolen Pepperoni Pizzas.

Ned:  Yo!  You know, snitches get stitches. What exactly did you tell da man

Blitzed:  Oh don’t worry.  I made up a BS story about a failed investment in an Italian restaurant in Queens.  He bought it hook line and sinker. 

Ned:  Aye, I did hear that ye be full-a-shit but, I better not hear nuttin about you singin like no boid.

Blitzed:  (nervously) Honestly, I didn’t tell ’em nuttin,,,I mean anything.  I can keep my beak,,,uh,,, mouth shut.

Ned:  Aye, of course ye can.  Hey don’t get noivous, fuggedaboutit!

Wow!  Who woulda thunk a few dozen stolen Pepperoni Pizzas would still be giving Blitzed indigestion all these months later.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Interplanetary Gossip

Wolf 461
  Agent 54 here again.  We at the NSA under the DORD, picked up some strange communications from very very very far away and I had to analyze it.  It appears that the communications are coming from a couple of the new exoplanets that astronomers are finding in our own Milky Way galaxy.  Exoplanets are planets that orbit stars other than our Sun.  The really strange part is that the decoded messages are not from beings on these planets but, from the planets themselves.  Yeah, I know, really weird.  Here’s my report. 

Exoplanet Wolf 1061 (Wolf) is chatting with Exoplanet Kepler 442 B (Keps)

Wolf:  Hey Keps, whazzzzz uppppp?

Keps:  Awe, you know same ole, same ole, orbitin and rotatin.  Hey, you been checking out that weird solar system with that planet with the humans on it again?

Wolf:  Yeah, a little.  Tell the truth I get bored with Earth.  Too stable for my tastes.  You know I like little red hotties like Venus.  You know her surface is about 900 degrees. 
Kepler 442 B

Keps:  Oh yeah, she could keep you warm at night.  You know my favorite is Saturn.  I dig those groovy rings.  Outta sight!

Wolf:  Man, you always fall for those big stinky gas giants.  I mean, I know they’re colorful but, dating them is like going out to a cosmic porta-potty, ain’t it?

Keps:  Shut up!  You know your Venus has a thick stinky atmosphere too.  Hey no planet is perfect.

Wolf:  Yeah, well I never tried to score with no giant ice queen like Neptune or Uranus.  Remember when Uranus gave you the cold shoulder?

Keps:  Will you listen to yourself?  Talking like some kinda intergalactic Romeo or something.  You ain’t even got what it takes to attract a moon yet.  Let me know when you got someone orbiting night and day and then we’ll take about the laws of attraction.

Wolf:  Shiiit!  That slimy, dirty pile a debris you got orbiting you is nothing but a cosmic dumping sight.  That thing is the trailer trash of the Universe.

Keps:  You’re just jealous of my trailer trash cuz you ain’t even got that.  Anyway, when you gonna make a move on Venus?  You know, she ain’t getting no younger.

Wolf:  Hey, I’m a planet with a plan.  I’m just waiting till the time is right and our systems are just the right distance from each other, then boom!  I use a volcano to send her some of my life forms.

Keps:  Yeah, be careful.  With that thick and hot atmosphere of hers, she’s likely to crush and fry your little “gifts of life”.

Wolf:  Com’on!  You know I thought of that.  I’m gonna send her some extreme life-forms that can survive and thrive all over my little Venus.

Keps:  Yeah, well good luck with that.  Me, I’m looking forward to the day I can look Saturn in the eye and tell her how beautiful she is.  

Wolf:  Yeah, and if that don’t work out, you can look Jupiter in her big red eye and tell her you love her too.

Keps:  You jerk!  You know nobody likes that big fat cyclops.

Wolf:  Whadda ya mean?  She’s a big stinky gas ball too.  Ain’t that your style?

Keps:  You really are a jerk, there Wolf.  Why do I talk to you?

Wow! This opens up a whole new field of investigation for my NSA under the DORD.  I’m sure everyone in the Universe is going to want to know what the other planets are thinking about their celestial neighbors.  I could end up with a TV show on the Bravo Network or something.