Sunday, June 30, 2013

The Sasquatch Files

  Agent 54 here again.  Today I saw rare high-tech footage with sound taken by one of our NSA spy satellites but, it wasn't tuned into anything Earthly.  Check this out:

  Scene: Large banquet hall filled with large chairs each with pamphlets on them. There is a podium up on small stage with video screen bearing the initials M.E.L. behind it.  Unidentified flags to the left of the stage. There are folding tables along the right side of the room with large hairy beings behind them giving out information, buttons and name tags.  Large hairy beings file in and shuffle about greeting each other.  A few laughs are heard.  When room is almost filled, someone large and hairy takes the podium.

   Nigel:  testing, 1,2 yeah, great,,,Hello everyone if you could please take a seat, settle down we can start your biannual safety reminder class and then you can carry on with the rest of your day shopping or catch a movie or whatever.

  One minute later Nigel:  Hello, welcome back to the Mothership Hellen, My name is Nigel Thigsbottom as many of you know and I am the Safety Officer in Charge of all Expeditions to Earth for the Milky way Explorer’s League (M.E.L).   (polite applause) You've all been certified in the past so this is just a quote “reminder class” for your biannual re-certification and you’ll be able to pick up your new badges from Doris there (pointing to a large, hairy being at table near the door) on your way out.

Nigel: Let’s get started.  Safety!  What does safety mean to us.  Well, of course we don’t want anyone to get hurt on their hunting, fishing or hiking or whatever trips to Earth.  However, we also don’t want the Earthlings to know for sure that we even exist.  It’s bad enough that a few of those heavily armed Yahoo’s are constantly looking for us.  We don’t need the whole planet searching everywhere, sending up space probes and making things difficult for the whole galaxy if we can help it.  I mean, you remember what happened on Tatooine.

 Soooo, it’s important that we keep any evidence we leave behind to a minimum.  This isn't the official policy that you can read in the pamphlet but I think a few foot prints, a few hairs every now and then just keeps them guessing and is no big deal but, and it’s a big but, we can’t give them photographic evidence.  Most of those knuckleheads down there are so addicted to their T.V.s and other video screens that they will believe almost anything they see on them.  That means we must be vigilant.  They all have cell phones now with cameras so anytime you are in close proximity with them you could be filmed.  If you think there is any and I mean any chance of being filmed you are to immediately press your Galactic Positioning System (GPS) devices homing button and beam yourself back to the mother-ship that you departed from and check in for debriefing at your local M.E.L office.   You must always have your GPS fully charged before leaving the ship.  As you know if you are hurt or, God forbid, killed the GPS will sense that and automatically beam you back.

  So, in conclusion, The Milky way Explorer’s League (M.E.L) wants you to have a safe and enjoyable excursion to Earth and we want to keep coming back for another thousand years.  If we follow the rules, there should be no reason why we can’t .  Thank you all, you can pick up your new badges from Doris.  Let’s be safe out there!

 Scene:  Meeting starts to break up and large, hairy beings slowly shuffle towards Doris and the door.

Nigel still at the podium:  I want to give a shout out to all the groups represented here today, I see the Yehtis (small applause and cheers and whistles for each group as they are announced)  The Swamp Apes, Grassman, Wolfe County Wolfman, El Chupacbras and, Oh that reminds me, has anyone heard from Chewbacca or Alf? 

Bill from the crowd: (shouting)  Yeah, I ran into them at different times near Hollywood.  I told them that MEL wants them back immediately but, they said they ain't commin back.  Apparently the humans treat them like kings.

Nigel:  Wow, how can they just turn their backs on their families and how do they take the smell of the humans?

Bill:  Chewbacca says he went to Beverly Hills and had a nose job and he don’t smell nothin no more. 

Nigel:  Amazing!  So, I know they work as actors but, I've seen some of their stuff and it’s not Shakespeare.   How do they make a living?

Bill shrugging his large, hairy shoulders:  I dunno.


Holy Alien Cows!!!  We really learned a lot from that transmission.   Sasquatches are Space Aliens, Space Aliens are Sasquatches, who knew?

Bungalow Bill's Outer Space Adventure

Ancient Alien Ancestors?

Houston, We Have a Problem

Spacing Out

Guardians of The Galaxy Vol. II

Stinker T.V.

  Agent 54 loves women but, ladies please don’t make your man watch these low budget T.V. movies on the Hallmark channel.

  OMG!  I took a half day off so my wife made me watch this stinker that was so phony I almost puked.  There was a beautiful blonde walking along a beautiful lake in a beautiful dress talking to a handsome guy in a great suit and she says:  So, you've been lying to me.  He says:  Sorry, I’m not a law student although I've been accepted to law school.  See, I didn't have the money for school so I took a job packing groceries.  I guess I didn't have the guts to tell you, I’m a grocery store clerk.  And then she says:  You didn't have to lie, I would have loved you no matter what you do for a living.   YUK!  Give me a break!

  Let’s be real here.  I never dated Pamela Anderson.  You know why?  Cuz she wouldn't even look at a poor boy like me.  Shoot, if I ever tried to talk to her she would probably have run away like I was Borat.

  Here’s my first re-write for that scene.

Homely girl in shorts, flip-flops and a halter top is walking down the canal path with a dude in greasy jeans and a sleeveless black Harley Davidson T-shirt on.  She says:  So, you've been lying to me.  He says:  Sorry babe but, when I was in the Navy we went to the Philippines and  I got real drunk and woke up married to this crazy whore.  She dumped me a week after I brought her to the U.S. and I ain't seen here since but, technically I’m still married.  She says:  I don’t give a crap about that!  You told me you had a Harley.  That broken down piece of crap you got ain't even a motorcycle anymore.  And another thing, I wouldn't marry you if you were the last biker-dude in Mesa.

  Oh, sorry if that was a little too much reality for some of you.  I’m just sayin.

  So, I got some domestic feed-back about my re-write of the Hallmark T.V. movie and it seems that I could have gone a different direction.  Alrighty then!  Here’s my second attempt at a somewhat more refined re-write.

  A beautiful blonde is walking along a beautiful lake in a beautiful dress talking to a handsome guy in a great suit and she says:  So, you've been lying to me.  He says:  Of course I have.  I mean, take last night for instance.  You were wearing that dress that looks like someone vomited Ambrosia on a Dollar Store shower curtain and you said “do I look alright?”  What happens if I tell the truth then?  She says:  D-I-V-O-R-C-E!  He says:  You betcha, so, to keep up the domestic tranquility, I lie.

(10 second pause in the conversation) 

She says:  So, did you have a good time at my mother’s party last night?  He says:  Oh yeah, always do.   She says:  You’re full of crap!  He says:  You know it babe.  I love you.  She says: I love you too.

  There now.  That should do it.  No more sleepin on the couch for me (this week).  

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Houston, We Have a Problem.

 Agent 54 here again.  I found this old NSA file from Apollo 11 the space flight that landed the first men to walk on the moon.  Apparently this happened about halfway there:

Buzz:  Houston this is Buzz Aldrin from the Command module, everything is a go, we are A-Okay.

Houston:  Roger that, we are all good here at ground control.

Buzz:  Starting routine checklist,,,,,What the hell is that!  What the hell is that?

Houston:  Appollo 11 please repeat.

Buzz:  What the hell is that?  Houston, I’m looking out the window and uh,,,,,What the hell is that?

Houston:  Appollo 11 please explain.

Buzz:  Hey Neil, take a look, What the hell is that?

Neil:  What the hell is that?!?!

Buzz:  Oh, I know what that is. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,What the hell is that?

Neil:  I don’t know what the hell that is.,,,,,,,,,,What the hell is that?

Houston:  What the hell are you looking at?

Buzz:  I don’t know what the hell that is.   What the hell is that?

Well, I guess it’s my job now to find out just what the hell that was.  God Bless America.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Luggage Destroyer Position

  Agent 54 here again.  I was getting a little OT and hoping to score some brownie points by listening to communications picked up by the NSA under the DORD spy satellites. We recorded this from an office in the basement of the Reno International Airport:

Manager: Next!

Applicant: Hello, I’m Lekisha and I’m here for the “Luggage Destroyer” position.

Manager: Great, I’m Bob, please sit down.  I've reviewed your resume and I have some questions.

Applicant: Fire away.

Manager:  Very good.  So, how many eyes do you have?

Applicant: Uh,,,I have 2 eyes, uh,,,20/20.

Manager: (a little disappointed) Two eh, well, we were kinda looking for one.  Have you ever worn an eye patch?

Applicant: Well, when my trailer burned down my right eye was irritated from all the smoke and the doctor had me wear an eye patch for a week.

Manager: Splendid! You know so few people have the right experience.

Applicant: Uh,,,Thanks,,,I guess.

Manager:  So,,, humps!  How many do you have and where are they?

Applicant: Humps?  Well, I didn't have any when I came in.

Manager: (a little disappointed) No humps eh?  So, have your ever broken anything?

Applicant: well,,, Do vows count, because once I married this knucklehead who quit his job to go on our honeymoon and he never told me and so when we got back from Slydell Mississippi and I found out that he had no job, I dumped his ass and then at the Do Drop Inn I bumped into my ex-boy, Bubba who had made parole the day before and we got to drinkin and yappin and the next thing you know we were breaking vows, commandments and some of that cheap furniture in the Motel Six on route 40.

Manager:  Sooo, that’s a yes.

Applicant: Is this going to take much longer cuz I’m getting hungry?

Manager: Yes it is.  So, do you have any Customer Service experience?

Applicant: No, none at all.

Manager: Good! Those rotten SOBs, always complaining.  (mockingly) “Oh, you made me miss my plane”  “Oh, you stole my bags” “Oh you killed my grandma” wait,,,uh that was my in-laws, not, not, not customers.

Applicant: You know I had a grandma once…

Manager: (cutting her off) I’m sure you did.  So, say you accidentally confiscated and destroyed a  bag that you weren't supposed to, do you have any experience with Duct Tape?

Applicant: Well, after that incident with my grandma, I swore I’d never touch that stuff again however, I can do amazing things with a little Superglue and some paperclips.

Manager: Splendid!  So, what kind of a salary to you need?

Applicant: A big one.  I gotta buy a new trailer and I still got that furniture bill from Motel Six to pay and Grandma needs plastic surgery and…..

Manager: (cutting her off) Great!  You’re hired!  I’ll get you a parking space.

Applicant: and I gotta buy a car to park in my new parking space.

Manager: Time for you to go to lunch now.

Applicant: and I gotta buy lunch and get a weave or maybe some extensions…..

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Don't Curse a Stinker

  Agent 54 here again.  I wanted to make sure I’m not associated with the Neurotic Skeptics Ambivalence  (NSA).  They tried to recruit me but I couldn't make up my mind on what I didn't believe in.

  I found this in an old NSA file.  It's a letter they intercepted.

To Whom It May Concern at ACLU:

  Many Hollywood celebrities have come out of the closet as gays & lesbians lately and that has given me the courage to tell the world, who I really am.  I like to fart in public.  Yes, I am a Stinker and I demand my rights!

  I realized at an early age that I was different.  Watching other kids in the sandbox gag gave me a sense of power that I have craved ever since.  To this day I still enjoy cutting loose in a crowded movie theater, mall or even on line at the bank.  I have flatulated all over the world including; Okinawa Japan, Grand Cayman, San Diego California, Anchorage Alaska and even in The White House, Washington D.C.

  I have cut one in every situation like; on a date, meeting my in-laws for the first time, in the classroom and at job interviews.  I've farted in dinners, fancy restaurants and often in Taco Bell.  I cut a fart that reverberated off the plastic bench at Hardee’s so loudly that it sounded like a spastic tugboat.

However, far too often people lucky enough to have the will power and intestinal fortitude to hold themselves back have discriminated against me.  Many times people have chosen to leave the room rather than face the music.

  Gas is only natural and I deserve equal treatment.  Public places have handicap ramps and smoking sections.  Where’s my section?  My fellow Stinkers and I demand equality!

  In conclusion I would like to ask my fellow Americans to remember the next time you smell something, that it is better to open one window, than to curse a Stinker.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Are You NUTZ!

 Agent 54 here again.  I got a great assignment today.  I’m going to listen in on a Doctor-Patient appointment between Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi and her Psychiatrist, Dr. Goldbloop This is gonna be a treat.

Dr. Goldbloop:  Hello Nancy, how are you today?

Nancy:   Just marvelous Dr., Ain’t it just great that I get to come here for free because of Obamacare.

Dr. Goldbloop:  Actually, healthcare is NOT free under Obamacare and in fact my secretary says the you are $728,000 behind on your psychiatry bills.

Nancy:  But Doc, we talked about this.  Paying bills makes me depressed so I just don’t do it anymore and I feel marvelous.  We’re making great progress.  You are a great therapist.

Dr. Goldbloop:  I’m a broke therapist.  Nancy, didn’t I tell you that there is no such thing as a free lunch.

Nancy:  Sure there is Dr. Goldbloop.  I just use my government credit card when I go to lunch and everything is free.

Dr. Goldbloop:  No Nancy, the taxpayers have to pay for it.

Nutty Nancy Pelosi
Nancy:  Taxpayers?  Is that anything like Sax Players because I love music?

Dr. Goldbloop: (to Lana, Dr. Goldbloop’s secretary) I’m writing a prescription for valium.

Lana:  Is that valium for Mrs. Pelosi?

Dr. Goldbloop:  No, it’s for me.

Dr. Goldbloop:  Nancy, what else is going on in your life?

Nancy:  Well, Our wonderful President gave me 15 free Obama phones that I took to the pawn shop to sell so I could buy magic hay for my free Unicorn named Bob.

Dr. Goldbloop:   Nancy, I told you there is no such thing as free Unicorns.

Nancy:   But Unicorns have to be free or they just fade away.   After I feed Bob his magical hay we’re going to ride on a rainbow.

Dr. Goldbloop:  Did I give you a prescription for “magical hay”.

Nancy:  No, Bob has one.

Dr. Goldbloop:  Lana, make an appointment with Dr. Goldberg.

Lana:  Is that appointment for Mrs. Pelosi?

Dr. Goldbloop:  No, it’s for me.

Dr. Goldbloop:  Now Nancy, you know you can’t ride a rainbow.

Nancy:  Sure I can Doc.  Jessie Jackson and his rainbow coalition are good friends of mine.  Jessie told me he’d take me for a ride anytime.

Dr. Goldbloop:  Okay Nancy, that’s enough for today.

Dr. Goldbloop:  (shouting) Lana, can we make that appointment with Dr. Goldberg an emergency priority for right now please?

Wow!  What a great insight on one of the most powerful people in Washington D.C.  God Bless America (we sure do need it)!  


  Agent 54 here again.  I’m so excited about my jobs listening and reading for the NSA that I’m even doing it on Sunday.  Today’s first call went like this:

Pete:  Hey Bob?

Bob:  Hello, is that Pete?

Pete:  Yeah Bob, it’s been a long time.  What’s shakin?

Bob:  Oh, not much since the boss went up the river.

Pete:  Yeah well, that’s why I called.  As you probably know, my boss, The Penguin is currently masterminding a whole new plan to rob and steal everything in Gotham City again and he asked me to recruit about a dozen new henchmen to help with the fun.  Naturally, I thought of  you because of your experience fighting it out with Batman and the Boy Wonder.  Whatta  ya say Bob, you in?

Bob:  Yeah, I don’t know.  I mean, I been with The Joker for a lotta years now and he’ll be back in 3 to 5.

Pete:  C’mon Bob, I know a guy like you can’t sit around for 3 to 5 and watch the world go by.  You’ll love working for the Penguin.  He pays well and we have a dental plan and HQ has a great big icy pool and every Friday we have an all-you-can-eat fish fry.

Bob:   Sounds good Pete but, you know how The Joker is about loyalty,  I mean, he’ll kill me.  I gotta say no.

Pete:  Well, I had to try.  Take care and uh, do you have a number for any of  The Riddler’s guys? 

I sent this one to my boss, H. Cuffs right away and he told me “good catch kid”.  I wouldn’t be surprised to get a merit badge or a NSA mug or something for this one.  God Bless America.

Leakes, Leakers and Leaking

Agent 54 here again.  We keep track on everyone in our nation's capital. Wikileaks got nothing on my NSA under the DORD.  This file from Washington D.C. was decoded before it landed on my desk:  

Eric:  Hello Barry, I wanted to discuss Leakes with you.

Barry:  Hi Eric, I’m very interested in Leakes.

Eric:  So, do you think NeNe Leakes from the Real Housewives of Atlanta is hot?

Barry:  Oh yeah, I love that blonde wig she wears.  I guess it’s a wig but you know what they say “only her hairdresser knows for sure”.  Chuckle chuckle.

Eric:  Actually Sir, we know for sure.  It’s her real hair but not her real color.

Yeah, uh, I think I’m going to crumple that file up and throw it away.  God Bless America.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Happy Endings

 Agent 54 here.  I wanted to add my pants story to the Dream Date story because they both have happy endings.    

  I tend to wear my pants for far too long because I'm cheap and hate trying on new pants in the store.  However, my trousers were worn and beat and I decided with the new year I would get rid of my holy britches.  Now, you have to understand that I'm the kinda guy who goes to Goodwill to upgrade my wardrobe and that was my plan.
  I came down with the flu at the end of 2017 and therefore had to push my pants plan back a week.  The Second Sunday on 2018 came around and I woke up feeling great.  I felt so good that I decided because I work so hard on both of my jobs that I deserve only the best.  So, I marched right on down to Wal-Mart and bought 5 new pairs of pants.

  The great thing is that because I've been exercising since last July, I was able to fit into my old size of 36-29.  This was a real victory for me because 6 months earlier, I couldn't fit into some of my size 40 pants. 

      So, the bottom line is, I now have a small and happy ending.

Dream Date 

 Agent 54 here again. I was just working my part-time job again, listening in on you guys for the NSA. This call seemed to originate from Champlain, on the borders of New York State, Vermont and Canada and went to somewhere in Scotland:

Champ: Hello Nessy, is that you?  

Nessy: Hey Champ.

Champ: Sorry I'm late but, you know how those damn Paparazzi are. It wasn't easy but, I finally shook them off my tale.

Nessy: So, are we still on for Iceland at 8:30?

Champ: Iceland 8:30 GRRRRRR

Nessy: (very loud giggling).

I'm not sure what to make of this one. What do you think? God Bless America!

The Secret of My Success

   Agent 54 here again.  People have asked me how I got my job at the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA).  I went through the Union of course.  It’s the Brotherhood of Secret Electronically Recorded Surveillances (BSers).   They say I was always cut out to be one of the BSers.

  They gave me a 6 minute course on what to do and then a set of headphones and a cubicle.  I have my cubicle decorated like most any office cubicle.  You know, with fish heads, voodoo dolls and walnuts.

The Government Sequester Jester came  and said he had to cut $2.79 from everyone’s cubicle for budget reasons.  He looked around and left the fish heads, voodoo dolls and walnuts and took the power cord for my computer.  Of course, me being the electronics geek that I am, I had an extra one in my lunch box so I reconnected, rebooted and was back on the job in no time.

I don't really know what brand of computer I have or how old it is but, some of the components say "Marconi" or "Tesla" on them.

I asked my boss H. Cuffs, for a new computer but, he said he already busted the budget on urinal cakes.  I guess you have to have your priorities.  Well, maybe I can get him to get me a "new" Commodore64 in 2015.  *Update 5/2015: They got me a great new computer with 256k of RAM and a floppy drive.  H. Cuffs said they might get us upgraded to Window 95 next year.

  Well, I got to get back to snooping on you guys.  I’ll try to have another report for you later.  God Bless America!  

Saturday, June 22, 2013

My Job as a Super Snooper

   Well, I did it.  I got a gig as a Listener-Reader for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) which is under the Department of Redundancy Department (DORD).

 I went through the Union to get my job.  It’s the Brotherhood of Secret Electronically Recorded Surveillances (BSers).

That’s right, I get paid to listen to your 
conversations on the phone or recorded by electronic bugs or picked up by satellite and I read your e-mail, snail mail and sometimes your junk mail.  I’m supposed to identify callers and pass up to my boss, Hamilton Cuffs, a former big city detective, anything that might be a threat to National Security.  My boss is a good guy and around the NSA we call him H. Cuffs.  I'm curious though, because he never really said what big city he's from. 

  The very first phone call I got was interesting.  It went like this:

Sergi:  Hey Boris, why did chicken cross road?

Boris:  Cuz was stupid chicken, ha ha ha

Sergi: ha ha, Da Da, ha ha ha

Yeah, Uh, I’m not going to bother H. Cuffs with this call.  I don’t think there’s much of a national security threat from these two.