The Commodore

  I was walking down the path in the park behind my apartment, minding my own business, when I felt a sting.  It was a Red Army Ant.  I slapped him dead and the little bastard was still there on my leg, biting me despite being all kinds of dead.  What cajones on this little creep. 

  I got mad as hell.  Not just at the one little jerk, at the whole species.  They should have taught that one more manners than to bite me for no reason.  Now, they all have to pay. Hoo hoo ha ha ha hoo hoo (scary laughter)

Commodore Agent 54

  I immediately commissioned myself the Commodore of the Arizona Ant Naval Academy (AANA).  Our one and only mission, to teach as many Ants to swim as possible.  This task would be hard but, sometimes, I’m a hard man.

  I would teach the Red Army Ants to swim the old Pennsylvania Dutch way.  The Pennsylvania Dutch will take their young men fishing.  A father and an uncle or two will row the boat out to the middle of the lake or pond where they throw the young man into the water and row back to shore.  The youth learns to swim most of the time.

Ant grabber

  The Red Army Ant’s nest are easy to find.  They eat everything around it and when you drop something on the hole, they attack with the tenacity of tiny wolverines.  I used my trash grabber stick ($19.97 at Home Depot) to put wet pinecones from the pond on those ant holes.  The water seeps in and within seconds every ant gets the message “we’re under attack!”.   They swarm the cone and when it’s completely covered with ants, I grab it with the stick and toss it into the canal or pond.  Some ants bail as the cone is airborne but, most stay until “Ker plunk!” into the drink.

  This is the point where the Red Army Ants are most severely tested and where they always fail.  Yes, they try.  They flail their legs and antennae and whatever else they have but, it is useless.  They don’t know what the heck they’re doing.  They can’t coordinate their movements to get themselves headed in any direction even if they could figure out what direction they wanted to go.  The ants can’t follow instructions in English at all.  They just don’t listen! 

  So the Red Army Ants float on downstream at the surface or slightly under it until the fish come.  The ants that have the most energy often become the first to be fish food.  Blue Gills, small Trout and tiny young Bass begin to feast.

  I shake my head and go get some more ants hoping one day one lousy ant will swim to shore and give me a wink. Hoo hoo ha ha ha hoo hoo (scary laughter). 

  For it is only then, when I can show the world that I Commodore Agent 54 have taught a Red Army Ant to swim, making me a celebrity amongst men and landing me on the Curvy Couch of the Fox & Friends show, only then will the Red Army Ants have redeemed themselves.  Then, I can retire as Commodore and finally go back to my normal life. Hoo hoo ha ha ha hoo hoo (scary laughter).  

The One That Got Away