Agent 54
here again. You know, my NSA only spies
on Americans for their own good and our own amusement. We're all on the same team here. You should Trust
us! Let’s listen in on my friend Dr. Goldbloops, as he conducts a group session for the wives of
sports team mascots.
Dr. Goldbloops: Hello everyone. Welcome to this group session. Some of you know each other and some are new
so I would like everyone to introduce themselves when they want to share with
the group. Who would like to share
first?
Everyone
looks at someone else.
Dr. Goldbloops: Mamma Bear, you’ve been here
before why don’t you start?
Mamma
Bear: No.
Dr. Goldbloops: Please, just to get us started.
Mamma
Bear: N-O-E, I said No, what part of no
don’t you understand?
Dr. Goldbloops: Please, for me.
Mamma
Bear: Boy, you getting on my last nerve. Oh, shut up. I’ll do it. Hey, I’m Mamma Bear of the Baylor Bears. My husband’s Pappa Bear and we got a 5
year-old cub named Baby Bear and I ain’t got nothing to share cuz things is
goin great in the Bear’s den.
Dr. Goldbloops: Oh, that’s good news. Last time we talked you were having a problem
with a blonde woman.
Mamma
Bear: Yeah, Goldilocks but, that bitch
ain’t never comin back. I ripped some of
that yellow hair out her head and put it on the frige with a Baylor Bear team
magnet.
Mrs. Badger
gives Mamma Bear a high five.
Mrs.
Badger: Damn strait! Bitch learnt about messing with people’s
pourage.
Dr. Goldbloops: Well, you know I don’t condone
violence as a solution to conflict.
Mamma
Bear: Yeah, well don’t knock it till you
tried it.
Mrs. Badger
gives Mamma Bear an even higher five. Tell him Mamma!
Dr. Goldbloops: Let’s hear from somebody new
now. Mrs. Spartan, would you like to
share something?
Mrs.
Spartan: Oh dear, well, I guess that’s
why I’m here.
Dr. Goldbloops: Just relax, take a breath and tell
us who you are and why you are here.
Mrs.
Spartan: Okay, I’m Sue Spartan and my
husband is Sparty Spartan of the Michigan State Spartans. I guess we had a fairytale romance. I think all of us here are attracted to the
strong, silent type and Sparty is so handsome and looks so good in his uniform,
it was love at first sight.
Mrs.
Badger: Boooorrriinnggg! Get to the point, lady.
Dr. Goldbloops: Ladies please don’t do that. Let’s all listen politely please.
Mrs. Badger
slumps in her seat and looks out the window.
Dr. Goldbloops: Mrs. Spartan, please continue.
Mrs.
Spartan: Oh, well the trouble started
soon after we were married. At first it
was just rumors and then I noticed something, something stinky. I tried to ignore it the first time but, it
happened again and again. Finally I said
something to Sparty. He pointed to the
car and opened the hood and pretended that was where the stink was coming from
and he was fixing it.
Mrs.
Badger: Yeah, I know where you comin
from I heard them rumors too. Michigan
State is the Fartin Spartans.
Mamma
Bear: Oh lawdy, honey you got you a
stinker.
The other
ladies bust out laughing but, Dr. Goldbloops is not amused.
Dr. Goldbloops: Ladies please! Mrs. Spartan
what happened when you finally confronted Sparty about this problem.
Mrs.
Spartan: Well, it got worse and worse
until he would cut one lose anywhere we were and laugh about it. He thinks it’s funny.
At this
point the other ladies are having a hard time holding back the laughter.
Mrs.
Spartan: I mean Dr. Goldbloops, we don’t even
try go to church anymore.
The other
ladies crack up again. Mrs. Spartan
snaps at them.
Mrs.
Spartan: It’s not funny ladies. Look, I keep a Yankee Candle in my handbag at
all times (as she pulls the candle out of her bag) look, Apple Cinnamon.
The other
women are now howling with laughter.
Mrs. Badger has slid off her seat and is rolling on the floor.
Dr. Goldbloops: Okay Mrs. Fart-uh Mrs. Spartan, I
want you to go to Walgreens and find an over the counter product called Bean-O
and see if that works for Sparty. If he
doesn’t want to take it, try grinding it up and mixing it in with his
food. You can put some in the salt shaker
too.
Dr. Goldbloops: (to the group) I think that’s enough for tonight ladies.
Mrs.
Badger: (almost choking with laughter)
Yeah Doc, that’s all I can take.
Mamma
Bear: (wiping tears of laughter from her
eyes) Yeah, good one Doc. See ya next week.
Agent 54 here again. Wasn’t that fun! See what great value you get for your tax
dollars. I love my job.