Agent 54 is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. Agent 54 works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. Agent 54 reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Snyderman – A Halloween Tale
Keystone Lighting was an old, dark, dirty,
dank and dangerous place to work. Though
it appeared to be all one building, it was really a series of buildings that just
had makeshift roofs built between individual buildings many years ago. The roofs had large holes and leaked
constantly. The brick walls were
crumbling and the floors were bumpy and uneven.
There were many dark corners where something or someone could hide and
then spring out to ambush an unsuspecting worker. Located in Bristol, Bucks County, PA it was also rumored to be haunted.
I worked in the Press department where there
lurked a creepy old man with a club foot named Frank Snyder. He waddled like Batman’s nemeses The Penguin
when he walked about the shop and he could always be heard saying in a W.C.
Fields type voice “I been here 20 years, I seen em come and I seen em go”. I don’t know what his real job was. Frank
was always annoying the other press operators by sticking his nose in
everyone’s business and turning up the speed on the presses until the machines broke
I was taught this little song sung to the
tune of “Spiderman” in my first week in the Press department:
Turns the press up as
fast as he can
Jam it up, every time
He ain’t worth a
Look out! Here comes
the Snyderman Is he dumb I suppose If brains were Dynamite he couldn't blow his nose Look out! Here comes the Snyderman
At first I didn’t have a problem working with
creepy old Snyderman. I’ve worked with
all kinds of creeps before. Then came
the rainy shift that the foreman called out sick on and some fool put Snyder in
charge. Whoever made that decision could
not have done worse. The trouble
started when I hurt my back reaching for something with the rake which is a
regular part of my job. As standard
manufacturing practice goes, we were required to report any injury or accident
immediately to the foreman. I went to
the office and told Snyder exactly what happened. We were working the 3:30 to Midnight shift
so, I told Snyder that I could finish out the shift but, I had to see a the
company doctor the next day which again is standard procedure. The next day, after visiting the company
doctor, I was told by the foreman that I would have to pay for the visit
because I failed to report the workplace injury. Snyder was in the room when this happened and
he denied that I had ever reported the incident. I was furious! Not only did I have to pay for the doctor’s
visit but, this was a negative mark on my work record. When I angrily questioned Snyder why he did
this to me, he said “I don’t answer to you”
which only enraged me more.
For days I stewed with back pain about the
incident but, no matter how much I schemed, It always came out the same in the
end. Reality was that if I attempted any
type of retaliation against the ugly old cripple, it would backfire on me 10
fold. I would get fired and I would be
criminally charged for sure. The judge
would look at Snyder the old cripple and me the young former Marine and Hockey
player and he or she would throw the book at me. I had no choice in reality. I could do nothing.
In fantasy however, well that’s a different
story. I thought of many ways to get
even with Snyderman but, finally it came down to the simplest. While operating the 12 ton press late on a
dark night I would plug the safety light catch with a piece of scrap and then
call old Frank over to take a look at a fake problem. Once he bent over and put his head down to
take a look, boom! I would kick him in the ass as hard as I could so his head
would get wedged in the 12 ton press and then I would push the start
button. In less than a second his head
would be squashed like a grape by a sledgehammer. Brains and blood would spurt out all over the
Press department and I would laugh.
hoo, haa haa, hoo hoo I would laugh until I cried and bent over with stomach
cramps. But, as I rise, through watery
eyes I see something waddling towards me.
No, no it can’t be. I wipe my
eyes and find myself backed up against two giant coils of steel and the
chain-link fence of the tool crib. It’s
still coming. This hideous mess of what
used to be Snyderman was waddling, headless, ever closer. Wait a minute! This is my
fantasy. All I have to do is close my
eyes for a couple of seconds and it would be gone. 1 second, 2 seconds, then open and Ahh!
It’s right on me! Somebody Hel………