Snyderman – A Halloween Tale

  Keystone Lighting was an old, dark, dirty, dank and dangerous place to work.  Though it appeared to be all one building, it was really a series of buildings that just had makeshift roofs built between individual buildings many years ago.  The roofs had large holes and leaked constantly.  The brick walls were crumbling and the floors were bumpy and uneven.  There were many dark corners where something or someone could hide and then spring out to ambush an unsuspecting worker.  Located in Bristol, Bucks County, PA it was also rumored to be haunted.

  I worked in the Press department where there lurked a creepy old man with a club foot named Frank Snyder.  He waddled like Batman’s nemeses The Penguin when he walked about the shop and he could always be heard saying in a W.C. Fields type voice “I been here 20 years, I seen em come and I seen em go”.  I don’t know what his real job was.   Frank was always annoying the other press operators by sticking his nose in everyone’s business and turning up the speed on the presses until the machines broke down.

  I was taught this little song sung to the tune of “Spiderman” in my first week in the Press department:

Snyderman Snyderman

Turns the press up as fast as he can

Jam it up, every time

He ain’t worth a stinkin dime

Look out! Here comes the Snyderman

Is he dumb
I suppose
If brains were Dynamite
he couldn't blow his nose
Look out! Here comes the Snyderman

  At first I didn’t have a problem working with creepy old Snyderman.  I’ve worked with all kinds of creeps before.  Then came the rainy shift that the foreman called out sick on and some fool put Snyder in charge.  Whoever made that decision could not have done worse.   The trouble started when I hurt my back reaching for something with the rake which is a regular part of my job.  As standard manufacturing practice goes, we were required to report any injury or accident immediately to the foreman.  I went to the office and told Snyder exactly what happened.  We were working the 3:30 to Midnight shift so, I told Snyder that I could finish out the shift but, I had to see a the company doctor the next day which again is standard procedure.   The next day, after visiting the company doctor, I was told by the foreman that I would have to pay for the visit because I failed to report the workplace injury.  Snyder was in the room when this happened and he denied that I had ever reported the incident.  I was furious!  Not only did I have to pay for the doctor’s visit but, this was a negative mark on my work record.  When I angrily questioned Snyder why he did this to me, he said “I don’t answer to you”  which only enraged me more.

  For days I stewed with back pain about the incident but, no matter how much I schemed, It always came out the same in the end.  Reality was that if I attempted any type of retaliation against the ugly old cripple, it would backfire on me 10 fold.  I would get fired and I would be criminally charged for sure.  The judge would look at Snyder the old cripple and me the young former Marine and Hockey player and he or she would throw the book at me.  I had no choice in reality.  I could do nothing.

  In fantasy however, well that’s a different story.  I thought of many ways to get even with Snyderman but, finally it came down to the simplest.  While operating the 12 ton press late on a dark night I would plug the safety light catch with a piece of scrap and then call old Frank over to take a look at a fake problem.  Once he bent over and put his head down to take a look, boom! I would kick him in the ass as hard as I could so his head would get wedged in the 12 ton press and then I would push the start button.  In less than a second his head would be squashed like a grape by a sledgehammer.  Brains and blood would spurt out all over the Press department and I would laugh.

  Hoo hoo, haa haa, hoo hoo I would laugh until I cried and bent over with stomach cramps.   But, as I rise, through watery eyes I see something waddling towards me.  No, no it can’t be.  I wipe my eyes and find myself backed up against two giant coils of steel and the chain-link fence of the tool crib.  It’s still coming.  This hideous mess of what used to be Snyderman was waddling, headless, ever closer.  Wait a minute!  This is my fantasy.  All I have to do is close my eyes for a couple of seconds and it would be gone.  1 second, 2 seconds, then open and Ahh! It’s right on me!  Somebody Hel………

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