Sunday, October 26, 2014

Monster Deal

  Agent 54 here again.  Sometimes I get to listen to some business being done over the phone on my watch.  Check out these two old friends Wheeling and Dealing.

Gomez Adams:  Hello Herman, is that you?

Herman Munster:  Why you old dog, Gomez Adams, how are you buddy?

Gomez:  Never better,  I just masterminded my biggest model train wreck ever.  It’ll take weeks to sift through the debris to look for survivors.

Herman:  Oh boy that sounds like so much fun.  Can I come over and help?

Gomez:  Sure, maybe sometime this weekend but, that’s not the reason I called.  Say do you still have that ole Munster Mobile of yours?

Herman:  Oh yes and she’s in fine shape.  Manny, Moe and Jack take good care of her.

Gomez:  Ah, that’s good news and I’ll tell you why, do you remember Elvira?

Herman:  Do I! Do I!  She’s quite the cutie.  Don’t let Lilly hear me say that.  Huh huh (very large laughter)

Gomez:  Oh yes she is.  If I were not the most happily married man in the world I would be very interested in Elvira.  Did you know that she and Mortisha are the best of friends?

Herman:  Yes, didn’t they go to ghoul school together?

Gomez:  You are right as rain and sharp as tack my friend.  Well, that brings me to my point.  You see Elvira got a great job on a TV show in Japan however, she needs a car and your Munster Mobile would fit the role perfectly, so she knows that we are good friends and she asked me to ask you if you could part ways with the old car.

Herman:  You mean she wants to buy the Munster Mobile?  Out of the question.  That car is like part of our family.  We’ve had it for more than 50 years.

Gomez:  Of course!  I understand your attachment to the vehicle completely and I told Elvira it would take a very generous offer to even get your attention.

Herman:  A generous offer?  How, how generous?

Gomez:  Well, Elvira heard that you lost your job at the parlor last month,,,

Herman:  (interrupting)  That was not my fault!  That lady opened the wrong door and saw me waking up from my lunch time nap in one of the spare coffins.  It’s not my fault that she had a weak heart.

Gomez:  Of course not however, you are still out of work and you could use some cash to get by couldn’t you?

Herman:  And how.  How much extra cash are we talking about?

Gomez:  Enough that you could buy the family a new Cadillac Escalade and not have to worry about finding a new job for years.

Herman:  How much Gomez, in numbers?

Gomez:  Elvira is prepared to offer you $728,000.00 for the Munster Mobile.

Gomez:  Herman, Herman are you still there?

Herman:   Da, do, de, di, did you say $728,000.00?

Gomez:  That’s the figure, cash on the barrelhead.  Do we have a deal?

Herman:  Well, I don’t know.  I have to think about it.  Heck yeah we have a deal!  

Huh huh huh (very large laughter) Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy I can’t wait to tell Lilly that I solved our money problems and I’m going to buy her a new Cadillac.

Gomez:  Gee that’s great Herman.  I’ve got to call Elvira and give her the good news.  Say, why don’t you and your family come over for a visit next weekend.  Mortisha and I would love to have you guys and I need to catch up with Grandpa Munster.

Herman:  Sure, that sounds swell.  It’ll be a blast hanging out with Fester and the gang.  Thanks a ton for making this deal Gomez.  You really saved my bacon and thanks to Elvira too.

Gomez:  Well, what are friends for, I’ll send Lerch over with the cash to pick up the car tomorrow morning.  Via Con Dios! until next weekend.

Herman:  Buy a candee ohs to you to.  Thanks again, Good bye!

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Batman The Moron

Bat Cloud 
Agent 54 here again.  You may have heard about the cyber-attacks the NSA has endured recently.  Well, with no new info coming in I decided to tell you my plans for making a block-buster movie.  It’s kinda a Halloweenish thing with people wearing costumes and such.  Read this and tell me what you think of Batman The Moron.

Scene:  A hot summer day in a crowded inner city.  At a city bus stop four people sit on the bench.  Two of them are men in questionable shape wearing poorly fitted costumes with capes and masks.  One is constantly texting on his Bat-cell phone.  A large woman with two bags of groceries and a heavy purse stands at the end of the bench and gives the men on the bench dirty looks as they argue.

Batman: (played by Gilbert Gottfried)  That is definitely the last time I ever let you drive the Batmobile.  What the heck was I thinking?  Letting you, Robin, drive the Batmobile.  Oy Vey!

Robin: (played by Bobcat Goldthwait)  It wasn’t my fault!  That barfwagon ran the stop sign.

Batman:  Yeah, that lunch truck runs that stop sign every single day and you would know that by now if you weren’t always playing video games and texting when I’m driving.

Robin:  Blah, blah, blah

Batman:  Alfred said it’s gonna take two whole weeks to fix the Batmobile so, I hope you like taking mass transit when we pursue the Joker and the Penguin.

Robin:  It’s not so bad.  You’re such a grumpy grouch.  You should look on the bright side.

Gilbert Gottfried 
Batman:  What bright side?

Robin: (10 second pause)  Well, I dunno, the bright side!

Batman:  You’re an idiot.  My partner is an idiot. (mumbling to himself now) I’ve got an idiot for a partner.  How did this happen?  Why me?

The bus pulls up and the Dynamic Duo get in line to board with the other sweaty passengers.  As they step into the bus, Batman reaches into his Bat-coin purse (made from very nice green paisley pattered nylon-cotton blend fabric) located on his Bat-utility belt and pulls out 4 bus tokens.

Scene:  The Batmancave looks a lot like a two bedroom apartment occupied couple of college kids.  Several pizza delivery boxes are scattered around along with many empty containers of Red Bull and Dr. Pepper.  Half eaten Slim Jims and bags of chips and pretzels can easily be found almost anywhere.   In one corner of the living room Batman is working on his Bat-desktop computer.  In the middle of the room Robin is sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch with his legs under the coffee table, playing his Bat-Xbox.

Batman:  I don’t suppose I could ask you to clean The Batmancave up a little while I figure out how we’re going to pay for the repairs on the Batmobile?

Robin:  (without moving a muscle)  Yeah, sure, in a minute.

The Bat-phone rings.  Robin doesn’t even flinch.

Batman:  I’ll get it!  It might be Commissioner Gordon.

Batman rushes to the kitchen where the Bat-phone is located.  He steps on a Bat-pizza box and slides and nearly falls but, does manage to answer the phone.

Hello, Bruce Whine here.   Oh, high.  Yes I did.  I did!.  It’s in the mail. It is!  Click.

Bobcat Goldthwait
Robin:  (without moving a muscle)  Was that the Bat-Ex-wife again?

Batman:  None of your business!

Batman returns to the Bat-desktop computer.

Batman:  I’m gonna have to take that job Mr. Smith offered me at the Home Depot so we can pay these bills.   Did you hear about that job at Food City yet?

Robin:  (focused like a 20th degree ninja on his Bat-Xbox game)  Nope.

Batman picks up an envelope from the Bat-computer desk and tosses it at Robin hitting him in the head.  Robin never moves and the envelope bounces off his head onto the stained and worn out couch.

Batman:  (singing kinda) Mail call for Dick Greasegun.

Robin:   Mail, for me?

With the quickness of a mongoose, Robin drops the Bat-Xbox control and jumps up onto the couch.  Exhibiting the dexterity of a spider monkey, Robin opens the envelope. 

Holy Guacamole
Robin:  (very excited)  Holy Guacamole!  It’s a check!  It’s a settlement check for $25,000 from when I hurt my neck in that fight last year with the Joker and his men.  $25,000  we’re rich!

Batman:  Lemme see that.  It is a check.  Now we can get the car fixed, we can get costumes that fit.  We can pay the back child support we owe.

Robin:   Hey, what’s this we stuff.  It’s my check.

Batman:  Oh no you don’t.  We’re partners 55-50.

Robin:  Oh yeah, well if we’re partners, then I want the Bat, the Robinmobile tricked out a little bit more.

Batman:  Whadda ya mean?

Robin:  I want that thing to bounce like them low-riders we seen downtown and I want a little dog in the back with a head that goes up and down like this and ….

Bat Robinmobile
  Agent 54 here again.  That’s all I want to show you right now until after I get an offer for the rights to the screenplay.  This could be the one.  The big break I need to take my rightful place alongside the greats like Spielberg, Lucas, DeMille and Mel Brooks.  What do you think?