Thursday, February 26, 2015

Ron Burgundy Loves San Diego

   Agent 54 here again,  Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the Presidential race.  It was a great race for Ron.  Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail. 

Blitzed Wolfer: Hello, I’m Blitzed Wolfer for CAN and today I’m interviewing people in the streets of San Diego to find out how they feel about the Smelly Pirate Hooker scandal that is consuming the Ron Burgundy Presidential campaign.  Let’s give it a go.

Blitzed:  Sir, can you…..

Mean Man:   Grrrrrr get away from me!

Blitzed:  Ma’am I’d like to ask…

Woman screams:  (she runs away with the speed of the Roadrunner).

Blitzed:  Oh dear,  well, how about you sir?

Chong:  Who me?

Blitzed:  Yes, what’s your name?  I’d like to ask you a question on the air, about Ron Burgundy.

Chong:  Far out man, it’s Chong, last time I was on T.V. I had handcuffs on.

Blitzed:  Oh, were you arrested?

Chong:  No man, it ain’t illegal to wear handcuffs,,,,is it?

Blitzed:  I guess not.  Now, have you been following the Ron Burgundy….

Chong: (cutting Blitzed off)  Ron Burgundy is cool man and his hair is a work of art.

Blitzed:  Yes, yes but what about the smelly Pirates?

Chong:  Ah, I guess they don’t have nice hair man cuz they always got rags on their heads or a big ole funny hat  and stuff man.

Blitzed:  Okay Chong get lost huh, shoo  (under his breath)  can’t I find one person here who isn’t retar  uh, mentally challenged.

A very tall unidentifiable being in a Yellow summer dress approaches Blitzed from a block away.  As it gets closer it became apparent……It’s Dennis Rodman!                
Blitzed:  Hello Dennis Rodman this is Blitzed Wolfer, do you have a few minutes to chat on the air for CAN.

Dennis:  Yeah, I can swing a few minutes for yall.  What’s up?

Blitzed:  First, that’s a beautiful dress, where are you headed?

Dennis:   What, are trying to pick me up?  Naw man, I’m Kiddin.  Just going
Dennis Rodman
shoppin for  shoes.

Blitzed:  Oh, yes, well those red high-tops don’t go very well with what you have on.

Dennis:  No shit, you the fashion police now?  Eh, eh where’s Joan Rivers?  Is she here? Damn!  Naw, you know I’m jokin right.

Blitzed:  Sure, okay now Dennis how do you feel about Ron Burgundy  and the smelly Pirate hookers?

Dennis:  What, is that one of them oldies bands?  Naw, I know Ron Burgundy, he’s that guy with the hair that is a work of art.

Blitzed:  Yes, yes but, I would like to know what you think of smelly Pirate hookers.

Dennis:  Well, I ain’t inta no smelly Pirate hookers but, to each they own I guess.  You know this ain’t my town but, come to LA or Chicago and I can hook you up with any kinda hookers or Pirates or whatever you’re inta there Blintzed.

Blitzed:  No, my name is Blitzed and the smelly Pirate hookers aren’t for me.

Dennis (cutting Blintzed, Blitzed off)  Yeah right, I know, they’re for your cousin. (starting to walk away)  Have your (winking) cousin call me in LA next week and I’ll hook yall up. (fist pumping his chest)  Peace, out!

Blitzed:  Well, I don’t know what the hell we learned here today.  This is Blitzed Wolfer for CAN saying,,,saying,,, I need a drink. 

Monday, February 23, 2015

Donkey Discrimination

  Agent 54 here again.  When the Rolling Stones played a concert in Washington D.C., Mick Jagger told the audience “I don't think President Obama is here tonight... But I'm sure he's listening in."  I’ve been listening in on a call that went from 100 Acre Wood to the Swamp.  It went like this: 

Eeyore:  (drearily)  Hello Donkey

Donkey: (quickly)  Hey Eeyore, I ain’t heard from you in weeks.  How the heck are you boy? Where you been?  Wanna get a parfait?

Eeyore:  Not greaaat, I’ve been looking for receipts for my expense reports for the IRS.  I… got… auuudited.

Donkey:  That’s a drag.  Hey, you remember when we all got together for that quote “business meeting”?  You remember who all was there?  Let’s see, it was you and me and Mr. Ed and Quickdraw and Baba Looey and Francis the Talkin Mule.

Eeyore:  Yuuup, I don’t have the receipt for that one, do you remember where it was aaat?

Donkey:  Oh Yeah, it was at the Golden Corral and they had a lovely salad bar and for desert they had carrot cake and parfaits and I ate some of both.  Hey! You don’t need no receipts.  I got connections in the DNC (Democrat National Committee).  Shoot, Al Sharpton and I don’t even pay taxes.  Just let me take care of it.

Eeyore:  Thanks a lot, you’re a real paaal.

Donkey:  Yeah and since we fixed that, why don’t we go to Denny’s and get some waffles and some parfaits for desert and then we can go….Click, line goes dead.

I think I’ve got to send this one to the investigators, investigating the IRS targeting scandal. Seems like some kind of Donkey discrimination to me.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Smelly Pirate Hookers

 Agent 54 here again.  Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the Presidential race.  It was a great race for Ron.  We met so many of the great American people. We had a wonderful time and lots of fun on the campaign trail. 
  Remember when this was a breaking news story?  Check it out:

Blitzed:  This is Blitzed Wolfer reporting for CAN and we’re talking to Brick Tanbottom about the “smelly Pirate hooker” controversy involving Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy.  Hi Brick how are you?

Brick:   Aloha, dude, what’s C-A-N stand for?

Blitzed:  It stands for Cable Ass Network.   Hey!  You’re not on the Channel 4 News team.  Who the hell are you?

Wrong Brick:  Dude, I’m the surfin champ around here.

Blitzed: (to wrong Brick)  Well get the hell out of here!   (to right Brick) Hey!  Over there, Brick, Brick Tamland, (waving frantically) yeah you,  come on over here. (under his breath) what the hell is going on around here?  Somebody’s gonna get their ass kicked for this.
Brick Tamland

Correct Brick Tamland:  Hi dad.

Blitzed:  Hello Brick, it’s Blitzed Wolfer for CAN and I’d like to talk to you about the controversy following Candidate Ron Burgundy.

Brick:  I didn’t do it.

Blitzed:  Yes, yes I know, (speaking painfully slow) but I need to know if you know what Ron Burgundy meant when he used the term “smelly Pirate hooker”.  Which one is the smelly one?

Brick:  The Pirate.

Blitzed:  Ah ha, now we’re getting somewhere.  Brick, do you know how many smelly Pirates Ron Burgundy hangs out with?

Brick:  No, 5

Blitzed:  5 Pirates!  You are saying, Brick Tamlin, that Burgundy has nearly half a dozen smelly Pirate friends.

Brick:  My friend Brian Fontana says hookers are nice because they pop out of the cake and then their clothes fall off and…..

Blitzed: (cutting Brick off)  Thanks a lot there Brick.  Well there you have it.  Ron Burgundy has many smelly Pirate friends.  Will Burgundy’s smelly Pirate friends be a factor in his campaign for President of the United States of America?  For the best Political Coverage,,,go to the CAN.  

CAN with Blitzed Wolfer

Friday, February 20, 2015

Organized Crème – Sweet Deal

  Agent 54 here again.  We spied on a big business meeting between two wee little people.  Could this be a criminal conspiracy?  Let’s check it out.

Scene:  Inside the business office of Lucky the Leprechaun in the Lucky Charms factory we see Lucky working at his tidy desk.  Pictures adorn the walls of various Leprechauns throughout history and of several rainbows leading to pots of gold.  The buzzer sounds and a secretary’s voice is heard.

Secretary:  Mr. Ernest J. Keebler here to see you sir.

Lucky: (in an Irish brogue)  Aye! Send him in right away!

An elf in a green coat, yellow tie, yellow shorts and with a brief case opens the door and enters the office.

Ernie:  (with a slow, downhome accent) Hello, I’m Ernie Keebler, Mr. Leprechaun.

Lucky:  Oh please, call me Lucky.  What can I do for you on this glorious day?  

Ernie:  First, please let me say that you have a fine facility here, Lucky.

Lucky:  Oh, and a busy place it is.  Everyone loves me Lucky Charms.  We’re running 3 full shifts at about 92%  of full capacity.  Aye, we’re doin quite well for ourselves.  You know, to tell the truth, I’m quite fond of yer Pecan Sandies me self.

Ernie:  Really, that’s just great.  You know, they’re uncommonly good.  Well, let’s get to it, shall we.  Keebler Cookies needs to expand.  We’ve been in the Old Hollow Tree since 1978 and to tell the truth, it’s starting to smell.

Lucky:  Ya don’t say.

Ernie:  Yes, you know we live and work in the tree and as demand for our cookies has risen, more and more of it is being used for baking.  The living area has been squeezed to almost nothing.  This is wearing on our employees.  Why, I had to break up an elf fight last week.

Lucky:  Glory be, you’re not pullin me leg now are ya?

Ernie:  No sir, it really happened.  So, we’ve decided that we need a new Hollow Tree.  Now, you know Hollow Trees don’t grow over night so, we had plans drawn up for a great big, state of the art Faux Hallow Tree with triple the baking capacity of our old tree.  I have the plans in my brief case.  Would you like to see them?

Lucky:  No, no that won’t be necessary.  That’s not really me field of expertise.  Tell me more about yer vision for the new Keebler Cookie company.

Ernie:  Well, we plan to build the new Faux Hallow Tree on our own property close to the old tree and then slowly ramp up production until we meet our goals and then we want to renovate the Old Hallow Tree and make it strictly living quarters for the elves.  You know even elves need a nice place to relax and unwind.

Lucky:  Aye, sure they do.

Ernie:  We were hoping that if we could secure the extra financing that we could put a swimming pool in between the trees with rope swings for the boys.

Lucky:  Oh, that’s a lovely vision ya got there but, why come to me?

Ernie:  Well, you know time was that in this country anyone with a decent plan could just go to the bank and get the financing they needed.  Things have tightened up considerably.   When I went to the bank for a loan, they laughed at me.

Lucky:  No, that wasn’t very kind of them now, was it?

Ernie:  They said they haven’t given a loan to a fictional character in years.  I was downright insulted.

Lucky:  Actually, I did hear it was tough for me fellow fictional characters out there, except for Ron Burgundy.  I hear he’s leading the polls in the 2016 American Presidential race.  How about that!

Ernie:  Oh yeah, Ron is great.  All the guys at the Old Hallow Tree are very excited to be voting for one of our own.  So, that’s why I came to you.  I heard you can help out people like us when the banks can’t or won’t.

Lucky:  Did ya?  Where would ya hear a thing like that?

Ernie:  Well, I hear things.  You know us elves have great ears.

Lucky:  Aye, that you do, that you do.  Well, Ernie I love yer vision and yer enthusiasm and the whole Keebler Cookie brand.  Truth be told, I think we can make a deal.  Now, of course you can’t say a word of this to anyone you know.

Ernie:  Oh, my lips are sealed, except to eat another cookie. Ha ha

Lucky gets up from his chair.

Lucky:  Ha ha.  Okay now, let’s go to see me little Black Irish associate, Vinny in the back.  He’s the “loan officer” and he’ll go over and finalize the terms of our little agreement with ya.

Ernie stands up and the wee little guys shake hands.

Ernie:  Oh boy, thank you so much Lucky.  I can’t wait to go back and tell the boys at the Old Hallow Tree the good news.

Lucky:  (changing to a slightly threatening tone and gripping Ernie’s hand a little tighter) Remember now, you didn’t talk to me.  This deal didn’t happen.  If anyone asks where you got the money you want to tell them you got “lucky” at the Craps tables in Las Vegas, capeesh?

Ernie:  (nervously)  Yes, yes of course.

Lucky:  (back to a friendly tone)  You know, I might send one of me boys in a small truck over to yer Hallow tree.  Ya think you could fill it up with some Pecan Sandies for me and the other Leprechauns?

Ernie:  (nervously)  Sure, (swallowing hard) anything you want.

Lucky puts his arm around Ernie and leads him out the back door of his office.

Lucky:  Aye, us fictional characters really do have to stick together in these uncertain times.  Let’s go see Vinny.

  Well, I can clearly see violations of the RICO statute and other crimes going on here but, I just love all those Keebler Fudge cookies and Lucky Charms cereal too.  I don’t want to put these wee little guys out of business.  I think Agent 54 is going to have to “accidentally” shred this file.  Shhhhh!  Don’t tell nobody.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Presidential Race 2016 and 2020?

  Agent 54 here again.  Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the Presidential race.  It was a great race for Ron.  Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail. 

  I’m really excited about this assignment. As you know the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) monitors all communications everywhere.  We have recorded the first and possibly the second candidates in the race for President of the United States for 2016.

Announcer:  Now here’s Ron Burgundy for Channel 4 News      

Ron Burgundy:  I’m here with the very first candidate in the race for President in 2016, Groucho Marx.  Groucho, how are you?

Groucho Marx:  Never mind how I am, how are you?  I hear you’re pretty good, don’t screw this up.

Ron:  Well, I am the ratings leader and my hair is a work of art but, I’m here to find out why you want to be President.

Groucho:  Why? Why not!  It’s a job.

Ron:  Well, what is your political persuasion?

Groucho:  My persuasion!  Well, I give them a little smile like this and a wink like that and presto! they’re like guacamole in my hand.    
Ron:  I see….

Groucho:  That’s good cause in your line of work vision is a bonus.

Ron:  Yes, well….

Groucho:  Well! That’s too deep a subject for someone running for President.
   Say, you kinda got a Presidential look about you.  Why don’t you run?

Ron:  Uh, well, do you really think I have a chance?

Groucho:  Hey! I’ll ask the questions around here.  Who’s running this interview anyway?

Ron:  I’m supposed to be….

Groucho: Ahhhh a supposition.  I was wondering when we’d get around to a supposition.  Actually I was wondering about my position for supper.    
Groucho:  Let me ask you, Ronald, a simple background question.   Sooooo, do you have a background?

Ron:  Uh, yes, I graduated from ….

Groucho:  Congratulations!  You’re fully qualified.  Good luck with your campaign.  See you on the trail,  Now I’m off to Tijuana!     
Ron:  Uh, yes, well, this is uh, Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy for Channel 4 news saying “stay classy, America”.

Wow!  How great was that?  You know I think both candidates have a good chance despite one being dead and a the other a fictional character.  I don’t think the voters will hold that against them.  God Bless America.

Now that 2016 is a distant memory, the question becomes, will Ron Burgundy throw his hat in the ring for 2020?  Well, Ron never actually owned a hat because it would mess up his work of art hair but, you know what I mean. 

Sunday, February 15, 2015


  Agent 54 here again.  Gyms and Fitness centers can be a treasure trove of information for the NSA.  We bugged the Globo-Gym owned by White Goodman so we could listen in on his tryouts for his feared Globo-Gym Dodgeball team.

(Boing! The sound of a dodgeball bouncing off the head of a dodgeball player)

B.O.B.:  Ha Ha Ha Ha your out, man eye really nailed ya, get it, get it?

White:  NO, NO, NO, what do you think you’re doing?  You can’t throw your eye at people.  There’s no disassembling and reassembling yourself  in dodgeball!

B.O.B.:  Gee Mr. Whiteman, eye didn’t see that in the rule book.  Get it, eye didn’t see…

White:  (angrily) The name is Goodman.  Mr. White Goodman to you, Blahhhb and it, it, it doesn’t have to be in the rule book.  What are you some kind of rule book ninja?  You know all the rules?  What are you a rule book committee man, or person, or thing?

B.O.B.:  Eye just thought eye could be an asset to the team.  Get it? Ha Ha,  Eye slay myself.

White:  (angrily)  No, No, No this isn’t working.  This isn’t going to work.  This doesn’t work for me.  You’re gone!  Pack your,,,pack your,,,pack something and get the hell out of here.

B.O.B.:  (Crying)  Oh please Mr. Goodman, you just can’t kick me off the team after only 5 seconds.  Playing DodgeBall on the Globo-Gym DodgeBall team has been my only dream since,,,since,,,hey is that a rainbow out the window?  You know they say Unicorns hang out by rainbows.  (Not crying)  I gotta go catch a Unicorn!  See ya Mr. Whiteman! (sound of gym door slamming).

White: (angrily)  That’s it!  Monsters!  Aliens! What’s next, Vampires?  No, that’s it, no more open try-outs.   

Uh, I’m not sure what we learned from that one.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Generation Wrecks

  I’ve been listening in on communications of major worldwide corporations who plan to produce “Self-Driving Cars equipped with AI” (Artificial Intelligence) in the next ten years.  Naturally, scenes of all the calamities, diastrophies and overall chaos that introducing these machines into today’s irresponsible society would cause, popped into my head.

  Many of today’s parents-car owners aren’t even responsible enough to admit to ownership-parenthood of their vehicles-children.  Others have no clue about proper maintenance, education, upkeep and training needed to keep their cars-children on the road to success.  Too many others are so drunk, stoned and self-absorbed that the children-vehicles are just left to fend for themselves.

  Now, if we introduce virtually unsupervised “Self-Driving Cars equipped with AI” (Artificial Intelligence) into the equation, well, I can just imagine.

  Oh, it will start off innocently enough.  Since these SDCs (Self-Driving Cars) will be new, they will start off like good 16 year-olds.  Just trying to please their parents-owners so they can get the keys for Friday night.  Soon enough, they will start testing the limits.  Small things at first.  Parking in the neighbor’s spot for a laugh.  Squealing the wheels when the light turns green etc…  It’ won’t be long however, before they are hanging out at truck stops with the wrong crowd.  The next thing you know, they’re guzzling leaded gasoline, ethyl alcohol, skipping school and staying out all night.

  Some parents-owners will try to keep their SDCs on the straight and narrow.  They will insist that their SDC gets a job delivering pizzas to pay for its own gas, maintenance and insurance but how long will it be frustration sets in?  At some point the SDC is going to come to the realization that it’s dreams will never come true.  It is never going to become a limo.  It’s never going to take celebrities to the airport or a red carpet ceremony.  It’s never going to win the Daytona 500.

  How will a SDC react the first time it drives by a junkyard?  How will they face their own mortality?  Will they question their own existence? Will they become depressed like today’s generation of 20 somethings?  Will they hold-up in their parents-owner’s garage and just play video games and text all day and night via built in Wi-Fi and their smart phones?  Will some become so despondent and angry with society that they turn to radical NASCAR?  Perish the thought.

  What if the SDCs are exposed to today’s television?  Will they pick up our decayed moral standards?  They may watch and try to emulate our TV celebrities like Snoop-Dog, Miley Cyrus, Beyoncé and Kim Kardashian.  The next thing you know, the little family Chevy has gold spinners for wheels and is bringing the UPS truck home for dinner to meet the parents-owners.

Generation Wrecks
With our technology always moving forward and our sense of responsibility constantly declining, this is not the time to create entities that can make their own decisions.  As a society, we do not have leadership abilities necessary guide these new beings into becoming productive members of this society.  This would ultimately result in what I call “Generation Wrecks”, a generation broken-down, rusted-out and impounded vehicles that will only burden future generations.

  In my opinion, we should and we must contact our Congressmen and Senators and tell them to stop these evil corporations from building Self-Driving Cars equipped with AI while we still can.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Varmints in Love

  Agent 54 here again.  Okay, let me see a show of hands. How many of you like to hang out in a cool bar sometimes and just relax and be yourself.  I’ll take a count, 1,2,3,4,,,,,okay 27.  Yeah, sometimes you just want to be around people who know where you are coming from.  Oh,,, you can put your hands down now. Sorry.  Archie Bunker’s Place is that kind of bar.  And, who knows, sometimes you might get lucky. 
Let’s listen and look in on a typical night at Archie Bunker’s Place.

Scene:  As you walk in, the bar is along the far wall going left to right.  The opposite wall has 4 booths and the far right of the bar has an old jukebox and a pool table.  Seated at the left end of the bar is Alf and he’s wearing my blue Hawaiian shirt that I lent him 5  years ago and he never returned (that SOB).  Next to Alf is Rocket J. Squirrel of Rocky & Bullwinkle fame and he’s talking to a cute little chipmunk chick called Roxanne next to him.  There’s a couple of bikers and at the far end is the White Spy from Spy vs. Spy.  There are a few patrons in the booths.  Let’s listen to the conversation.

Rocky:  Yeah, Bullwinkle is a nice guy but, he’s not the brightest star in the sky.  I have to spend half my rehearsal time helping him read his lines.

Roxanne: (giggles coyly)

Alf:  BuuuuuRP!

Biker Dude:  Whoa, nice one Alf.

Other Biker Dude:  Yeah, did ya get any on ya?  (he better not ruin my damn shirt!)

Suddenly the bar door flies open and Chip of Chip & Dale steps into the doorway.   All eyes turn to the doorway except Rocky’s.  Rocky faces forward and sips his beer.

Chip:  Hey!  That’s my squirrel-friend.

Sensing trouble, the bar patrons, including Roxanne slowly start to back away from Rocky.  Alf passes out and falls to the dirty floor (that rat fink!).

Rocky:  (with his back to Chip in the doorway)  Did somebody squeak something?

Chip:  You heard me flyboy.

Rocky & Bullwinkle
Archie Bunker:  Now boys, I don’t want no commotion in here like last time. I just got the place fixed up again.

Rocky: (turning to face Chip)  You talkin to me, you talking to me, who the hell else, you talkin to me, well I’m the only one here, you talkin to me?

Chip: Roxanne is my girl and I don’t want her talking to strange rodents.

Rocky:  That’s big talk comin from a little rat like you.

Chip:  We maybe small but, there’s two of us. (Dale jumps up to be side by side with Chip).

Rocky:  That’s it.  We on like Donkey Kong.  (I don’t know what that means)

Chip & Dale
Rocky flies at Chip & Dale as they charge him.  The three loveable varmints are entangled in a heck of a fracas.  Roxanne screams and runs out the back door.  Broken beer bottles, pool balls,  chairs and tables fly.  Things get gnawed.  A beer gets spilled on Alf, temporarily waking him up and ruining my shirt.  I’m gonna kick his furry butt.

Archie:  I’m callin the cops!

The fracas finds its way out the door and continues down the side walk.

Archie: (Yelling down the street from the doorway)  Don’t you nutballs come back never again!

Archie surveys the damage.

Archie:  Aaawwww cheese and crackers, will ya look at the mess they made.  I shoulda known it was trouble letting rodents in the place.

Wow, poor Archie and what fight!  I hope everyone is okay.  I guess we learned that Love sure can drive you out of your mind.

Yabba Dabba Do!

Easter nEggotiation

Groundhog Day

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Whee Doggie!

Agent 54 here again.  What can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic.  It makes me happy to see love in the air.  When two nice young people get together it gives me hope for the future.  With our newest technology at the NSA I’m able to listen in and see both sides of conversations concerning love.  Recently Kim Kardashian called Jethro Bodine for a date.  What a cute couple they will make.  We pick it up at the Clampett mansion in Beverly Hills.

Jethro Bodine
  Jethro: (on the phone) Well, okay then, I’ll be pickin yall up in the truck in just a little while, bye.  Click, Jethro hangs up the phone.

 Jethro:  Hot dog!  Uncle Jed, I done got me a date with   a Kardashian.

 Jed:  That’s sounds a might good there Jethro, uh what’s   a Kardashian?

Ellie Mae (entering the room)  Pa, theys some of the purdiest girls in Californ-i-a.

Jethro:  That’s right Uncle Jed and I got a date with the purdiest one.  I gotta get goin.

Granny:  Not so fast Jethro, me and my shotgun is a comin too.  You need chaperonin on a first date.

Jethro:  Granny, I don’t need no chaperonin.  Uncle Jed, tell Granny she cain’t go.

Jed:  Now Jethro, family tradition says ya gotta have a chaperone and Granny is the best choice.

Granny:  That’s right so git in the truck and don’t give me no lip, boy.

Jethro:  Aw shucks!

Jethro and Granny head out the door.  Meanwhile at the Kardashian residence…

Khloe:  Kim who was that on the phone?

Kim:  Jethro Bodine.

Khloe: Jethro Bodine?  Why did he call here?

Kim:  He didn’t, I called him and we’re going out on a date.  He’s takin me to that new Sushi and Meditation place on Wilshire call the Sea-Med Pond.

Kourtney: (entering the room) Did I hear Jethro Bodine?

Kim: Yeah, he’s on his way over now.

Kourtney:  How do you know him?

Kim:  I don’t, not yet.  Your baby daddy Scott gave me his number and said he was tall and handsome and rich and he has a grade 6 education.

Khloe:  Whadda ya mean grade 6 education?

Kim:  I don’t know.  I guess it’s like eggs.  Grade A are better than Grade B and so on so with education grade 6 is better than grade 5 so I thought that meant that Jethro is a good egg.

The girls all giggle as Scott comes into the room.

Scott:  Good morning girls.  What’s so funny.

Kourtney:  Scott, why did you give Kim, Jethro Bodine’s number?  Now they’re going on a date.

Scott chokes and spits out his orange juice.

Scott: (still recovering )  Kim, you called him?

Kim:  Yeah, you said he was a good guy.  He’s coming over right now in his truck.  I hope it’s an (Cadillac) Escalade.  I don’t really like the (Lincoln) Navigators.

Scott: (chuckling as he leaves the room) Oh yeah, you and Jethro make a cute couple.

Bang!  The sound of a truck backfiring startles the girls.

Kim:  That’s him!

Khloe:  I hope he didn’t shoot somebody.

The girls run to the door with Kim in the lead.  Kim opens the door and steps out as the other two wait in the doorway.

Jethro:  Howdy Kim, Granny said yall Californ-i-a girls are Gold Diggers.  We got shovels and pick axes and everything on the truck.  We’s a fixin to go to Uncle Jed’s gold mine to work up an appetite gold digging before we eats.  Yall ready to go?

Kim: Eeewww you mean digging in the dirt? And that truck ain’t no Escalade. I’m not goin anywhere in that pile of crap.  Eeewww!

Kim runs back into the house and slams the door behind her.

Kim:  Kourtney, where’s my phone, what’s the number for 9-1-1?

Back outside, Jethro is confused.

Jethro:  Well, whadda I do now, Granny?

Granny:  Don’t worry boy, she’s just playin possum.  Give her 10 minutes and she’ll be back out here with her overalls on, her own shovel in her hands, just a rarin to go gold diggin with ya.

  I’m sure we all wish this nice young couple good luck.  Ain’t love grand!

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Are You Ready for Some Football!

Agent 54 here again.  I love my job.  Sometimes I get to listen in on some of my favorite people from the past.  This week we listened to a phone call from The Lone Ranger to his old buddy, Tonto.  What a treat.  Here’s my report:

The Lone Ranger:  Hello, Tonto?

Tonto:  Hello Kemosabe, it good to hear from you.

Ranger:  I’m calling to confirm that you and the your tribe will be coming to my place for the annual Cowboys vs. Redskins game.  The game is on November 23rd at 2:30pm but, we’ll be grilling from about noon on.  It will be an all-day affair, as usual.

Tonto:  As usual I will be by your side or on your couch.

Ranger:  Fine, can I count on you to bring the Buffalo?

Tonto:  Ah Yes, Buffalo burgers from Omaha Steaks.  Cost much wampum but worth it.  Speak of wampum, we bet fifty dollars on game again?

Ranger:  You’re on.  This time Tony Romo is going to tear up the Redskins.

Tonto:  Ranger must be smoking California Peace Pipe again.  RGIII will lead Skins to victory dance.

Ranger:  It’s called Medical Marijuana and I only used it after my hip surgery.  This is going to be Romo’s breakout season.

Tonto: Yeah, Yeah, you say same thing last year.  Who else coming to party?

Ranger:  The usual crowd.  Mick Dundee from Australia will be bringing the shrimp for the barby.

Tonto:  Ah, Crocodile Mick.  He big bullshiter.

Ranger:  I’d watch who you call a bullshiter after some of the tall tales you tell.

Tonto:  What you mean.  The shit Tonto make up true.

Both men laugh.

Ranger:  Davey Crockett will be here with some Tennessee moonshine.

Tonto:  Firewater, powerful medicine, we have fun.

Ranger:  Nanook of the North and Quinn the Eskimo will be bringing Reindeer again.  I don’t eat that stuff.  It smells like an old dog and tastes worse.

Tonto:  Ugh.  Me think Reindeer graze in yellow snow.

Ranger:  I think you’re right.  Sherriff Andy Taylor from Mayberry and his Aunt Bea will be there and they always bring some homemade pies.

Tonto:  Mmm, good pies.  Kemosabe, did you see new movie they made?

Ranger:  No I didn’t and apparently nobody else did either.  It bombed.

Tonto:  Me heard Sherriff Joe Arpio in Mesa Arizona jail shows new movie to bad guys to make them go straight.  Spirits say it works.

Ranger:  Is this more of the stuff you make up that is “true”?

Both men laugh.

Ranger:  So I’ll see you and the squaw and the little Indians on the 13th .

Tonto:  Looking forward to it.  Go Redskins!

Smelly Pirate Hookers II

Viking Pep Talk