Agent 54 : Organized Crème

Agent 54 here again. We spied on a big business meeting between two wee little people. Could this be a criminal conspiracy? Let’s check it out.

Lucky

Scene: Inside the business office of Lucky the Leprechaun in the Lucky Charms factory we see Lucky working at his tidy desk. Pictures adorn the walls of various Leprechauns throughout history and of several rainbows leading to pots of gold. The buzzer sounds and a secretary’s voice is heard.

Secretary: Mr. Ernest J. Keebler here to see you sir.

Lucky: (in an Irish brogue) Aye! Send him in right away!

An elf in a green coat, yellow tie, yellow shorts and with a brief case opens the door and enters the office.

Ernie: (with a slow, downhome accent) Hello, I’m Ernie Keebler, Mr. Leprechaun.

Lucky: Oh please, call me Lucky. What can I do for you on this glorious day?

Ernie: First, please let me say that you have a fine facility here, Lucky.

Lucky: Oh, and a busy place it is. Everyone loves me Lucky Charms. We’re running 3 full shifts at about 92% of full capacity. Aye, we’re doin quite well for ourselves. You know, to tell the truth, I’m quite fond of yer Pecan Sandies me self.

Ernie

Ernie: Really, that’s just great. You know, they’re uncommonly good. Well, let’s get to it, shall we. Keebler Cookies needs to expand. We’ve been in the Old Hollow Tree since 1978 and to tell the truth, it’s starting to smell.

Lucky: Ya don’t say.

Ernie: Yes, you know we live and work in the tree and as demand for our cookies has risen, more and more of it is being used for baking. The living area has been squeezed to almost nothing. This is wearing on our employees. Why, I had to break up an elf fight last week.

Lucky: Glory be, you’re not pullin me leg now are ya?

Ernie: No sir, it really happened. So, we’ve decided that we need a new Hollow Tree. Now, you know Hollow Trees don’t grow over night so, we had plans drawn up for a great big, state of the art Faux Hallow Tree with triple the baking capacity of our old tree. I have the plans in my brief case. Would you like to see them?

Lucky: No, no that won’t be necessary. That’s not really me field of expertise. Tell me more about yer vision for the new Keebler Cookie company.

Ernie: Well, we plan to build the new Faux Hallow Tree on our own property close to the old tree and then slowly ramp up production until we meet our goals and then we want to renovate the Old Hallow Tree and make it strictly living quarters for the elves. You know even elves need a nice place to relax and unwind.

Lucky: Aye, sure they do.

Ernie: We were hoping that if we could secure the extra financing that we could put a swimming pool in between the trees with rope swings for the boys.

Lucky: Oh, that’s a lovely vision ya got there but, why come to me?

Ernie: Well, you know time was that in this country anyone with a decent plan could just go to the bank and get the financing they needed. Things have tightened up considerably. When I went to the bank for a loan, they laughed at me.

Lucky: No, that wasn’t very kind of them now, was it?

Ernie: They said they haven’t given a loan to a fictional character in years. I was downright insulted.

Lucky: Actually, I did hear it was tough for me fellow fictional characters out there, except for Ron Burgundy. I hear he’s leading the polls in the 2016 American Presidential race. How about that!

Ernie: Oh yeah, Ron is great. All the guys at the Old Hallow Tree are very excited to be voting for one of our own. So, that’s why I came to you. I heard you can help out people like us when the banks can’t or won’t.

Lucky: Did ya? Where would ya hear a thing like that?

Ernie: Well, I hear things. You know us elves have great ears.

Lucky: Aye, that you do, that you do. Well, Ernie I love yer vision and yer enthusiasm and the whole Keebler Cookie brand. Truth be told, I think we can make a deal. Now, of course you can’t say a word of this to anyone you know.

Ernie: Oh, my lips are sealed, except to eat another cookie. Ha ha

Lucky gets up from his chair.

Lucky: Ha ha. Okay now, let’s go to see me little Black Irish associate, Vinny in the back. He’s the “loan officer” and he’ll go over and finalize the terms of our little agreement with ya.

Ernie stands up and the wee little guys shake hands.

Ernie: Oh boy, thank you so much Lucky. I can’t wait to go back and tell the boys at the Old Hallow Tree the good news.

Lucky: (changing to a slightly threatening tone and gripping Ernie’s hand a little tighter) Remember now, you didn’t talk to me. This deal didn’t happen. If anyone asks where you got the money you want to tell them you got “lucky” at the Craps tables in Las Vegas, capeesh?

Vinny

Ernie: (nervously) Yes, yes of course.

Lucky: (back to a friendly tone) You know, I might send one of me boys in a small truck over to yer Hallow tree. Ya think you could fill it up with some Pecan Sandies for me and the other Leprechauns?

Ernie: (nervously) Sure, (swallowing hard) anything you want.

Lucky puts his arm around Ernie and leads him out the back door of his office.

Lucky: Aye, us fictional characters really do have to stick together in these uncertain times. Let’s go see Vinny.

Well, I can clearly see violations of the RICO statute and other crimes going on here but, I just love all those Keebler Fudge cookies and Lucky Charms cereal too. I don’t want to put these wee little guys out of business. I think Agent 54 is going to have to “accidentally” shred this file. Shhhhh! Don’t tell nobody.

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