Sunday, July 26, 2015

Burgundy Visits Toronto,,,Uh,,,I mean Buffalo

   Agent 54 here again.  Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the Presidential race.  It was a great race for Ron.  Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail.

  Looks like the Burgundy Campaign is cranking it up again.  On the weekend they were in Toronto, Ontario Canada for the Buffalo Bills versus the Atlanta Falcons football game.  From there they, reluctantly, moved on to Buffalo, New York, USA.

Scene:   We catch up to most of the team in the lobby of “The Mansion on Delaware Avenue”.  It’s just after lunch and Ron, Joe B., John, Tim and Wendy are there.  They’re going over the campaign plans for the day and talking about the past weekend.

John:  Wow!  I still can’t get over that game.  34 / 31 in overtime.

Tim:  Yeah, real exciting, except for Bills fans.  That stadium, The Rogers Centere is incredible with the hotel built right into it.

Ron:  That whole city was amazing.  With the CN Tower and all.  We should be campaigning there.  Wendy, why aren’t we campaigning in the beautiful city of Toronto with those beautiful, healthy looking Torontasians.

Wendy:  Ron, you know it’s a different country.  Those Torontonaughts can’t vote for you.

Ron:  That’s nonsense!  This is a free continent and the Trontosians should be able to vote for whoever they want.   When I’m President I’ll fix this deplorable situation.

Wendy:  What are you gonna do, annex the Canadian City of Toronto?  Good luck, President Polk.

Ron:  This is no joke!  Those Torontagans deserve an American President and I don’t even do the polka.

Tim:  (under his breath)  Yeah, look how much good American Presidents have done for Detroit.

Ron:  What was that, Tim?  Why don’t you save your smartass remarks for your space alien buddies.

Tim:  Man, take a nap on a bus and they never let you forget it.  I’m going outside.

Tim gets up and walks out into the parking lot to smoke a small cigar.

John:  You know I’m writing a snappy new song.  “The Torontotula Polka”.

Wendy:  Out!

John:  I think I’ll go make sure Tim doesn’t disappear again.

John joins Tim on a smoke break but, does not light up.  Wendy and Ron look at Joe B. who silently smiles.

Wendy:  Alright, now when the Canadian Limo gets here, we’re,,,

Joe B.:  (Interrupting)  Canadian Limo?  You mean we’re going by dogsled?

Wendy stares bullets at Joe B.

Joe B.:  I better check on Tim and John.

Scene:  Joe B. Joins Tim and John in the parking lot.

Niagara Falls
Tim:  (to Joe B.)  Those two Torontonuttballs kick you out too?

Joe B.:  Wendy said she got a Canadian Limo and,,,

John:  (interrupting)  What, we’re going by dogsled? 

Tim:  I’m having a blast on this trip.  Gimme fist pump.

The men awkwardly fist pump each other and some of the fists sorta explode.  Back inside the hotel lobby, Wendy tries again to get the campaign back on track.

Wendy:  Ron, the limo takes us to Niagara Falls for some picture taking.  Right now, your hair is a work of art.  Keep it that way!

Ron:  Yes Dear.

Wendy:  After that, we’re going to Elmwood Village for some Christmas shopping for the best campaign manager ever.

Ron:  Absolutely, (tapping his inside pocket) and I’ve got my prepared remarks about the Christmas Lights Controversy in my jacket pocket.

Canadian Limo
Scene:  A white van pulls up in front of the hotel with “Canada Limousine Service” painted on it.  At the same time, campaign volunteer Maureen pops into the hotel lobby from the elevator.

Maureen:  Good morning.

Wendy:  Morning?  It’s 1:10 pm princess.  Let’s go.  The Canadian Limo is here and,,,

Maureen:  (interrupting)  Wait, we’re going by dogsled?

Sunday, July 19, 2015

NSA Annual Company Picnic

  Agent 54 here again to share my report on our Annual company picnic at the NSA under the DORD.   As you may have guessed, the picnic was held in a secret picnic location. The Oldies Band, Clowns and Ponies all had to be blindfolded and sworn to secrecy before being helicoptered in for the day.  Other than that it was more or less your average company picnic with just a few more eccentric personalities.  Of course all activities and conversations in the area were recorded.  Here’s how some of those conversations went.

Scene:  In a beautiful open space of a National Park somewhere in America there’s a large open sided tent, under which is a band in one corner and a Black Jack table with a dealer dressed in 1800s costume in another.  In the middle is a large grilling station where typical picnic fare is being cooked.  There are various game stations around the tent along with a face painting station for the kids.  Outside some cowboys and cowgirls are leading the kids around on the backs of the ponies.  The atmosphere is festive.  Agent 54 is seated at a table with a couple of his buddies.

Agent 54:  Who’s that guy?
El Guapo

John Rambo:  I dunno.

Inspector Gadget:  (standing at table) That my friends, is El Guapo.

Billy Idol:  El whato?

Inspector Gadget:  They call him El Guapo and he just started this week.  He used to be in construction, specializing in excavations.  He’s in the Spanish department.

The conversation is interrupted by the sound of loud, psychotic, evil laughter coming from the Black Jack table.

The Joker:  Ha Ha Ha, I win again! He He He, you can’t beat me!

Billy Idol:  Wow, Joker’s having a ball.  He don’t seem to care that he’s just winning play money.

John Rambo:  Yeah, he’s having a blast cuz he thinks he’s cheating and getting away with it.

Agent 54:  What do you think will happen when he figures out the dealer is giving everybody 21 by dealing from the bottom of the deck?

John Rambo:  I dunno but, I ain’t getting in the middle of it.

Billy Idol:  Hey, what the hell is that?  (pointing to 3 short yellow beings wearing blue overalls and safety goggles.

Inspector Gadget:  Those are Minions.  Those little guys work their butts off, uh if they have butts.

John Rambo:  Them little yellow guys look like they come from some Banana Republic.

Inspector Gadget:  Take it easy Rambo.  I’ve never heard them say anything political.  Actually I’ve never heard them say anything I’ve understood but, look how cute they are.  Why they wouldn’t harm a fly.

Billy Idol:  They look drunk to me.

Agent 54:  Huh?

Another burst of psychotic, evil laughter comes from the Black Jack table.

The Joker:   Ho ho I’ve done it again.  Ha ha look!  An Ace and a Ten!

Flo from Progressive Insurance walks up to the table.

Flo:  What’s so funny?

John Rambo:   It’s Joker, he thinks he’s winning.

Flo:  Uh,,he does know that game is rigged,,doesn’t he?

Billy Idol:  Yeah right, you gonna tell him?

Rambo:  Send them yellow Onions to tell him.

Inspector Gadget:  That’s Minions.  The little yellow guys,, that is, I think they're guys, are called Minions.

Flo:  C’mon Billy let’s go.

As Billy Idol and Flo start to leave Agent 54 asks a stupid question.

Agent 54:  Hey, you guys cutting out early?

Billy Idol:  Yeah, we’re gonna hang out with Miley Cyrus tonight.

Agent 54:  Whoa, Miley Cyrus?  Dude use a condom.

Flo:  We will, got a new box in the limo.

Miley Cyrus
10 seconds of stunned silence goes by before Flo speaks again.

Flo:  What?  You know that Miley goes both ways.

Billy Idol winks at us and leaves with his arm around Flo.  As they get out of the tent, John Rambo adds his words of wisdom.

John Rambo:  Hey! Don’t do anything I would,,or should,,uh,,,hey, don’t do anything!

Agent 54 looks at a Rambo with a  confused expression.

John Rambo:  Well, I don’t know what to say.

Agent 54:  I’m gonna go take a pony ride.

  Wow, I really had a lot of fun seeing my old friends away from the office and getting to know some of my new co-workers.  Now, I can’t wait for this year’s NSA under the DORD Christmas Party.  Happy Trails!

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Burgundy Visits Fenway Park

  Agent 54 here again.  Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the Presidential race.  It was a great race for Ron.  Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail.

  I was reminiscing about the Boston Red Sox 2013 Championship season when Ron Burgundy visited Fenway Park during the playoffs with the Detroit Tigers.  Those were good times for Agent 54, a lifelong member of Red Sox Nation.  Take a look at my report from those happy days.

Scene:  A crowd of happy Red Sox fans, some dressed for Halloween, are gathered on Yawkey Way outside of Fenway Park in Boston.  Fox Sports has a set up for television interviews.  Various producers and helpers scurry about along with the Burgundy Campaign staff.

Buck Jackman:  Hello everyone, I’m Buck Jackman for Fox Sports.  It’s October Baseball. Welcome to Game 6 of the American League Championship Series between the Boston Red Sox and the Detroit Tigers coming to you later, live from Fenway Park.  I’m joined today by former Boston Red Sox World Champion, Kevin Millar and Presidential Candidate Ron Burgundy.  Good to see you gentlemen.

Kevin Millar:  Great to be here, Buck.

Ron Burgundy:  A pleasure to be here.

Buck:  So the last time I saw the two of you together it was at the rodeo.

Kevin:  That’s right Buck, we were at the Redneck Olympics and this dang fool was in the ring with some of the meanest, nastiest, stinkiest bulls I ever seen.

Ron:  Oh yes, that was quite a bit of fun.  You know, I was really impressed by the professionalism of the rodeo clowns and the stinkyness of those bulls.  They really stink.

Kevin:  Heck ya they do.

Buck:  So the Red Sox lead the Tigers 3 games to 2 in this best of 7 series. Tonight’s pitching match-up has Clay Buchholz for the Red Sox against Max Scherzer for the Tigers.  Kevin who has the advantage here?

Kevin:  This series has been very hard fought and very close with 4 of 5 games being decided by only one run however, It’s hard to bet against these Sox at Fenway.

Crowd cheers like they haven’t had enough coffee yet.

Buck:  Ron, you are more of a casual Baseball fan.  Which team do you like?

Ron:  Well you know being Ron “Burgundy” I’m partial to the color red so Let’s Go Red Sox!

Crowd cheers more enthusiastically.

Woman shouts from the crowd:  Ron, your hair is a work of art.

Buck:  Ron these Red Sox are known as “The Bearded Warriors” because in spring training they bonded over the growing of their beards.  Did you ever consider growing your beard?

Ron:  That was a long time ago during a deep dark emotional period in my life.  I remember drinking milk in the hot San Diegan sun.  It was not a good choice.

Buck:  Kevin, you had many versions of a beard when you played.

Kevin Millar
Kevin:  Heck ya!  Every time I got in a slump, I had to do somthin so, I trimmed it or shaved it or made it a goatee beard, heck I even put a chicken bucket on my head because one of my “Idiot” teammates said it would help.

Buck:  Did it help?

Kevin:  Heck ya, I went 2 for 4 with a double the next day.

Ron:  You know I once fashioned a royal crown out of a chicken bucket and wore it on the campaign bus to…

Out of the side of his vision Ron sees The Only Wendy Shade making slashing motions to tell him to cut that story short.

Ron…well that’s a long story.  Buck, do you like fried chicken?

Buck:  Uh, well yes but, later I’ll be having a Fenway Frank as Fox Sports coverage of Game 6 of the ALCS continues after the break.

The interviews are over that the men shake hands and go their separate ways.  Ron Burgundy is walking through the crowd with The Only Wendy Shade and a couple of campaign volunteers.

Ron:   I thought that went particularly well, didn’t you?

Wendy:  Ron, don’t ever tell that chicken bucket story again.  I’m surprised that I have to tell you that.

Ron:  Well, in the moment it seemed to be the right thing to do.  

Wendy spots a woman coming towards Ron with a pair of scissors held by the blades (correctly) in her hand.   She points to the woman and screams…

Wendy:  SCISSORS!!!

Quick as flash, campaign volunteer Joe B. tackles the woman and takes the scissors from her hand.  He pops up to his feet again, dragging the dazed woman up by her collar.

Joe B.:  It’s okay!  I got the scissors.

Ron:  Great Caesar’s Ghost!

Wendy:  What the heck is going on here?

Woman without scissors:  I’m sorry Mr. Burgundy.  I’m just a really big fan of yours  and I wanted to ask you for a lock of your beautiful hair.

The small crowd that has gathered around them says “awwwwe” all at the same time.

Wendy:  OMG!,  Joe, let her go and give her back the haircutting scissors.

Ron:  I’m sorry darling.  I can assure you that we don’t tackle all our fans that way.  What’s your name?  

Woman:  Carol.  I’m a hairdresser from Pennsylvania and a really big Red Sox fan.  Let’s Go Red Sox!

The crowd cheers enthusiastically.

Ron:  Well my dear, if I gave a lock of my terrific hair to every fan who asked for one, I would be bald in a week.  How about this instead.  Ron takes Carol’s right hand and gently kisses it as though she were royalty.  Carol faints and falls into Joe B.’s arms.

Ron:  Joe, you better take that little lady to first aid station.

Joe B.:  You got it Mr. Burgundy.

The crowd applauds the Burgundy campaign.

As Ron and Wendy resume walking he has an observation.

Ron:  Great Odin’s Raven it’s been an exciting day.

Wendy:  A little too exciting for me, thank you.

Ron:  And we still have a great baseball game to enjoy.

Wendy:  Yeah great, just don’t let me miss the second inning stretch.

Ron:  That’s the Seventh inning stretch.

Wendy:  Not for me it’s not.  If you need me after the second inning I’ll be at the bar.

Well, we all remember that the Red Sox went on to win the World Series with help from Ron Burgundy that year.  

Congratulations to the 2018 World Champion Boston Red Sox.
Let’s Go Red Sox!