Sunday, August 30, 2015

Team Building?

Nurse Ducttaper
  Agent 54 here again.  I woke up several hours ago in nurse Ducttaper’s office at the NSA under the DORD with a headache and couple of my buddies looking at me like I was a museum exhibit.  Apparently, I had lost some of my short term memory of why I was there and what happened.  The Weirdness was just beginning.

Scene:  Nurse Ducttaper’s office.

Billy Idol:  Hey, you’re awake you wanker.  You scared me a bit.

Flo:  Yeah, you have a nice nap?

Agent 54:  What the hell?  Ahh,  who hit me with a bat?

Nurse Ducttaper:  You’re gonna be alright there sleeping beauty.  Here, put this ice bag on your noggin and take it easy.

Agent 54 sits up on the cot in the nurses office, holding the ice bag to the back of his head.

Agent 54:  Well, is somebody going to tell me what happened or do I have to wait for Inspector Gadget’s report?

Flo:  Don’t you remember?

Agent 54:  I remember we had a meeting for some dumb-ass Team Building thing.

Billy Idol:  Wadda ya remember about the meeting.

Agent 54:  I remember donuts.

Billy Idol:  Oh man!  We gotta show you the tape!  It was hilarious!

Flo:  Billy!  Agent 54 might not think it was so funny.

Billy Idol:  Oh, yeah, right, no offense.

Agent 54:  What was funny?  What did you guys do?

Billy Idol:  Hey, it wasn’t my idea.  It was all The Joker from the start.

Agent 54:   What!  Owww!

Nurse Ducttaper:  That’s enough, you two troublemakers.  Agent 54 needs to rest.  You all can show him the video of the accident later.

Flo:  (under her breath) Accident my ass.

Nurse Ducttaper:  Git!

Scene:  In the group viewing room a bunch of us are watching the surveillance tape of the Team Building meeting.  The video is showing an exercise where five of us stand up in a circle with our eyes closed.  We are instructed to just lean back on the count of three and that one of our “Teammates” will catch us.  Nobody can see which “Teammate” is behind them.  The exercise is supposed to build trust between “Teammates”.  Guess who gets to have The Joker catch him?

Billy Idol:  I swear I didn’t know what The Joker was up to.  Look at his face.  He looks normal.

Agent 54:  Normal!  He looks demented.

Billy Idol:  Well yeah, but, demented is normal for that bloke.

John Rambo:  Yeah, you never know what that guy’s thinkin.

Agent 54:  Why did I draw The Joker?  Rambo, how the heck did you get to catch Flo?

Rambo:  Just luck, I guess.

As the video progresses we hear the count down.  1,2,3,.  As I start to lean back The Joker swiftly steps out of the way.

Video:  The Joker: Whoops, So sorry, Ha ha ha, ho ho ho , now it’s time to go go go!

The Joker
   The video continues and as Agent 54 falls back and cracks his head on the floor, we see The Joker bolting for the windows.  We can hear his psychotic, evil laughter as he unlatches his favorite window and jumps out to make his escape across the lawn to his get-a-way car.  Of course the whole video room is now howling in laughter, except for one guy who is holding an ice bag on the back of his head.

Agent 54:  Thanks a lot, you donkeys.

Flo:  Oh, com’on.  You gotta admit, the video is great.

Billy Idol:  Yeah, we gotta send a copy to that “America’s Dumbass Videos” show.

Inspector Gadget:  Oh no my friends.  This video is now “classified” and I’m personally going to take a copy to the boss.  I should be able to get The Joker suspended for at least a week for you, Agent 54.

Agent 54:  Great!  I get a concussion and a goose egg on my dome and he gets a vacation.

Rambo:  Quit you’re bitchin.  If that video gets out, you’ll be a star.

Agent 54:  (sarcastically) Yeah, Thanks!

So, I guess the lesson learned there is never trust a “Teammate” with a 40 year criminal record,,,or anyone else at the NSA either.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Burgundy Visits Sedona

  Agent 54 here again.  Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the Presidential race.  It was a great race for Ron.  Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail. 

  We at the NSA are “under orders” to keep the Ron Burgundy Campaign under close scrutiny.   We have to know where Ron is at all times.  Today Ron’s campaign bus rolled into Sedona Arizona.   I wonder what kind of whackos and weirdoes he’ll encounter there.  Let’s see:

  Scene:  Ron Burgundy and his campaign staff have just finished lunch and the Cowboy Club and they are walking towards the campaign bus.

Ron:  (to campaign Chairman The Only Wendy Shade)  Great Oden’s Raven, those Bison burgers are good.

Wendy:  Oh yeah, especially when you get it really rare.

Ron:  That’s right you like your meat mooing.  Do Bison moo?

Wendy:  I believe Bison bark.

Finance Director/Spiritual Adviser Howard joins the conversation.

Howard:  I think Bison grunt, well it depends, you know anything will bark when you stick it with an electric cattle prod.

Ron:  Howard, you know I asked you to leave the cattle prod at home.

Howard:  I did leave it home.  I’m just sayin.

Ron:  Because you know what happened last time.  We don’t have that kind of bail money with us on this trip.

Stopping next to the campaign bus, Wendy tries to take charge of the conversation.

Wendy:  Boys, Let’s go over this afternoon’s agenda.  First we are going to find Melinda Leslie at the Center for the New Age so she can tell Ron about her “UFO” experience.

Ron:  Yeah, she met a real space alien.

Wendy:  Yeah, sure she did.

Howard:  You know as your Spiritual Adviser I’d advise you Ron, not to say that out loud.

Ron:  What?  Everyone knows that UFOs come to Sedona all the time.

Wendy:  Whatever!  Can we get back to the schedule now?

Ron:  And, how about that Vortex.  I felt it.  Didn’t you feel a tingle in your legs?

Wendy:  I felt a pain in my ass.  Ron!, after the psycho alien lady, you have to go the Chapel of the Holy Cross and get a picture taken with the pastor.

Howard:  And you need to pray for campaign guidance there.

Ron:  Great, come all the way to Sedona to get stuck in church.

Howard and Wendy together:  RON!

Ron:  Hey, that’s Cher!

Wendy:  No its not, now let’s get,,,

Howard: (interrupting) I think that was Cher.

Ron:  Yeah, it was and she went into that little shop. Let’s go say hello to Cher.

Wendy:  Ron, no, we have a campaign,,,

Ron starts jogging toward the little shop.  Howard is caught in the middle. (should I stay or should I go?)

Ron:  I’m just going to say hello. Be back in 2 minutes.

Wendy: (grinding her teeth) Fine!  I’ll be on the bus when you want to get back to the campaign, children.

Ron pops into the little shop to see Cher casually shopping.

Ron:  Cher, I thought it was you.

Cher:  Oh, hi, please no autographs, I just want to do a little shopping by myself.

Ron:  Oh, I’m not a fan.  I mean, uh I’m a fan but, I don’t want your autograph.

Cher:  Gee thanks!

Ron:  No, what I meant is that uh, well, I’m Ron Burgundy and I’m running for President of the United States of America.

Howard comes through the door.

Howard:  It was Cher!  Or, uh it is Cher.  Uh hi Cher.

Cher:  (to Ron) Is he a friend of yours?

Ron:  Yes, actually he’s my Finance Director/Spiritual Adviser.

Cher:  That explains it.  So, what the heck is a Presidential candidate doing in Sedona Arizona?

Ron:  Well, we’re trying to get to know the American people and let them know me.  We’re having a blast learning about all the different cultures and people and what they do, how they work and how they celebrate and live life.

Cher:  Wow, that actually sounds pretty cool.

Ron:  Oh yeah, well I’m a pretty cool guy, uh candidate.

Cher:  Yeah, and you’re a pretty cute guy and your hair is a work of art.  You know I have some friends in the Sinagua tribe and they are having a ceremonial dance tonight.  Why don’t I pick you up around 10:00.  I’ll take you to a place where you can really learn about the people of America before it ever was America.

Ron:  Really?  I’d love to.  That was 10pm, right?

Cher:  Yeah, uh, 10pm.  Where can I pick you up?

Ron:  I’ll be on the campaign bus parked right out there.  It’s a big ole campaign bus with flags and my picture on it.  You can’t miss it.  Great Caesar’s Ghost! My Campaign Chairman, Wendy is going kill me.  I’ve got to get back to the campaign.
Ron hurries to the door and has to push a mesmerized Howard through it.

Ron: (over his shoulder) It was nice to meet you Cher.  See you at 10.

Cher:  (softly with a grin)  Well alright there Mr. Presidential Candidate.  Nice to meet you too.

How about that.  Ron Burgundy has a date with Cher in Sedona.  Who would have thunk it?  Wow, Cher could become the First Lady.  God Bless America!

Wednesday, August 12, 2015


   Agent 54 here again.  I came home from work early the other day and caught some of my so called friends, shooting dice in my kitchen.  I’ve told them a hundred times that “there’s no gambling in this house” but, they obviously don’t give a damn.  If my wife catches them, she’ll make me collect them all and drop them off at Good Will.

    I may as well introduce some of them to you.  You may have seen then in my earlier picture labeled Poison.  They all wanted to be in that one.  They’re such hams.

  This is Georgy the Gecko.  He's the ring-leader.  He runs the craps game and takes advantage of the not-so-sharp little guys.  That's how he finances his Cigar habit.  I got to admit that I enjoy lighting up a nice Arturo Fluente with Georgy.  He hates the Geico Gecko and is always saying he'd kick his ass.  I didn't tell him that I have my car insurance with Geico.

 Next is Froggy. He's Georgy's right hand,,,whatever and the jokester of the group.  My wife hates Froggy because he's always hiding in a cupboard or drawer or in her purse and jumping out at her.  I've had to stop her a couple of times from shoving him down the garbage disposal, with Froggy laughing the whole time.  Froggy's not the sharpest tack in the box and Georgy has convinced he owes him $728,000.00 for some Real Estate they've invested they're craps winnings in.  Someday the shit's going to hit the fan on that deal and I'm not going to get in the middle of it.  I think we'll find out how tough Georgy really is that day. 

  Chipster pretends to be shy sometimes but he's really a great actor.  If you look back at the Poison picture you can see that he really did look dead.  When human friends come over they can catch a glimpse of him scurrying under tables and chairs.  He wants to be subtle but he wants his attention too.  When it's just the wife and I at home, Chipster will make a variety of squeaks and shrieks until someone picks him up and he's always around when I have the camera out. 

Spike is one whose bark is worse than his bite.  Actually he can't really bite you because he lost all his teeth on his lower jaw.  We do feed him just like the others but, for some reason, he likes to eat from the 
garbage can so, his breath is always terrible.  Yeah, he's not one of my wife's favorites either.  Spike was abandoned in a park so, when I saw him all alone, I thought I could give him a good home but, he doesn't interact much with the others, except when the dice come out.

T chasing some food.
  T is a true bad-ass.  Again, not the brightest bulb on the string but, if you want something small destroyed or eaten, he's your,,,whatever.  I can't keep enough little toy spiders, snakes or tiny dinosaurs around for him.  T eats constantly but never gains any weight.  T takes no crap from anyone but, it seems that Georgy has some kind of power over him even though T could rip him a new one in fight.  I don't know how much of my change T has lost to Georgy in the craps games over the years but, you always see him in the game with that huge grin on his face.

  Well, those are some of my little miscreant friends that help make my life a little more interesting.  I'm sure I'll be writing about them and the others again when something interesting happens and something interesting always does happen.  I've gotta get going now, I promised to take them to Taco Bell for lunch today.  This should be fun.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Dog Days of Summer

  Agent 54 here again.  I got to listen in on what was supposed to be some kind of organizational meeting of some unique Americans.  The meeting didn’t really go very well and I don’t know if much was accomplished.  Here’s my report.

Scene:  A nice hotel suite that is set up like a corporate board room with a long table and eight chairs.  There is an easel with a flowchart near the head of the table.  In a nearby corner is Sweet Polly Purebred with a stenography machine.  She’s obviously recording the minutes of the meeting.  Underdog stands at the head of the table as the other attendees meet, greet find their seats. 

Underdog:  Everybody please settle down and take your seats. I’d like to get this meeting started.

As the attendees take their seats it becomes clear that everyone in the room belongs to the canine species.

Snoopy:   Say, what’s this meeting all about?

Lassie:  Yeah, I don’t even know why I’m here. You know I have to get back to keeping an eye on Timmy or he’ll fall down a well or something.

Scooby-Doo:   RhI’m rhhungry! 

Underdog:   Okay, now that we’re all seated, we can begin.  I asked you all to come here because something needs to be done.  As you know, Cats currently dominate this planet and that is just plain wrong.

Huckleberry Hound:   (in a slow southern drawl)  That’s right, they do dominate and that’s not very nice.

Rin Tin Tin:   If I had my way, there’d be no cats on this planet.  I hate ‘em.

Lassie & Timmy
Huckleberry Hound
Underdog:   Take it easy.  I’m not trying to start an inter-species war.  I just wanted to see if we could organize our efforts to rebuild our standing as “man’s best friend”.

Snoop Dogg:   War!  Man, I ain’t up for no war.  I could go for a couple Tacos right now, ain’t that right, Scooby!

Scooby-Doo:   Rhat’s rhhight!

Underdog:   C’mon everybody let’s focus.  There’ll be no war and no food until after our business is done so let’s concentrate.

Odie:   Kibbles & Bits, Kibbles & Bits!  Hey! I don’t want to go to war with my buddy Garfield.

Snoop Dogg:   Shiiiit!  Man, Odie, Garfield ain’t your friend you freakin idiot.

Underdog:   Hey, hey everybody!  Nobody’s talking about war and let’s be civil to each other.  Remember we want respect from mankind again.

A siren from a firetruck interrupts the meeting and most of the dogs jump up, knocking over their chairs, to run to the open balcony.  Leaning over the rail, with their fore paws on it, they strain to watch the truck go by, leaving only Snoop Dogg, Huckleberry Hound and Underdog at the table.

Snoop Dogg
Snoop Dogg:   Man, chasin firetrucks don’t make no sense to me.

Huckleberry Hound:   Exactly, once you’ve caught one, the thrill is gone.

Snoop Dogg looks over his shades and down his snout at Huckleberry Hound.

Snoop Dogg:   Huh?  Dog, you didn’t catch no firetruck!

Huckleberry Hound:   I most certainly did. In my youth I was quite an athlete.

Underdog:   Yo!  C’mon everybody.  I’m trying to hold a meeting.

The dogs take a few minutes to get resettled around the table.

Underdog:   Sweet Polly, where were we?

Sweet Polly:   Snoop Dogg said Shiiiit!
Sweet Polly Purebred

Rin Tin Tin
Underdog:   (interrupting)  No, no, after that.

Sweet Polly:   You said “Remember we want respect from mankind again.”

Underdog:   Yes, yes exactly.  Now, for how many years have we been pulling man’s dog sleds (Canadian Limos), sniffing their luggage at the airport and leading them around when they can’t see.  We’ve been working too hard for too many years with too little respect.  Look what Michael Vick had us doing and look at the NFL.  They have 4 teams named after cats but, none named after dogs.

Rin Tin Tin:   I thought the Cleveland Browns were named after dogs?

Scooby-Doo:   Rhat’s rhhight!

Odie:   I don’t think so.  The Browns are named after coach Paul Bear Brown.

Lassie:   So, they’re named after a Brown Bear?

Huckleberry Hound:   Paul Bear Bryant coached Alabama. Roll Tide!

Scooby Doo
Underdog:   Dogs, dogs, we’re getting off the point.

The door to the room suddenly opens and we see Chester Cheetah standing in the doorway.  He tosses a tennis ball into the room that bounces once and goes over the balcony railing.  The same dogs that chased the firetruck jump up to chase the tennis ball and leap over the rail after it.  They all fall 5 stories into the Hotel swimming pool, splashing and terrifying all the swimmers there who scream and run in a panic.  Rin Tin Tin comes away with the ball.

Rin Tin Tin:   (doggy paddling in the pool with tennis ball in his mouth) I got it!

Up in the Hotel room, Chester Cheetah speaks to the stunned dogs that remain.

Chester Cheetah:   Looks like this meeting is adjourned.

With a victorious and devious laugh Chester runs down the hall at 60mph and is gone.

After a few stunned seconds of silence, a dog speaks.

Huckleberry Hound:   Well Mr. Underdog, thank you for inviting me to your lovely meeting.  Good night.
Chester Cheetah

After Huckleberry leaves, we hear from other dogs in the room.

Snoop Dogg:   Man, that’s one strange dog.  I gotta get some of what he’s smoking.

Sweet Polly:   So does this mean the meeting is over?

Underdog and Snoop Dog both look at Polly with their heads half-cocked and puzzled looks on their faces.

Wow, what a meeting!  It may not have gone as planned but, I think they meant well.  I’ll have to keep an eye on this pack.