Wednesday, September 30, 2015

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. I

Captain Carl Splatdorfman
Agent 54 here again.  I got to review a tape of Blitzed Wolfer recording his first interview in his new series titled The Warrior’s  Studio.  Looks like this is going to be a very interesting feature on CAN (The Cable Ass Network).  Here’s my summary of the first episode.

Scene:  On a stage there are just two comfortable chairs set up for one on one interviews.  Blitzed Wolfer is seated on the left with his question cards and his guest is on the right.  There is a small studio audience.

Blitzed Wolfer:   Welcome everyone to the first of my new series of interviews called The Warrior’s  Studio.   I’ll be bringing you fascinating insights from warriors who come from all over the Universe.  Please welcome my first guest, Captain Carl Splatdorfman of the Rebel Alliance’s 1254th X-Wing Fighter Squadron.

Audience:  Polite applause for Capt. Splatdorfman.

Capt. Splatdorfman:  Thank you, it’s a pleasure to be here and the food is great.

Audience:  Some chuckles.

Blitzed:  Oh, did you enjoy the fair in our Green room?

Capt. Splatdorfman:  (loud belch) Burrrrp! Oh, I should say I did.

Audience:  Muffled moans.

Capt. Splatdorfman:   Yeah, you don’t get Muskrat Parmigiana like that when you’re patrolling out in interstellar space. 

Blitzed Wolfer
Blitzed:  Oh, Capt. Splatdorfman, I doubt it was Muskrat.  More likely it was chicken.

Capt. Splatdorfman:   Yeah, whatever, it was mighty tasty.  Hey, call me “Splat”.  Everybody does.

Blitzed:  Alright, do they call you “Splat” because you splatter your enemies?

Splat:  Uh, no, not really.  Uh, I dunno why they call me “Splat”.  What the heck!  It’s better than being called “Carl”.

Blitzed:  Really?  What’s wrong with being called “Carl”?

Splat:  Boy, these questions are tough!   Anyway, you know that Assistant Greens Keeper in the movie Caddyshed?

Blitzed:  That’s Caddyshack.

Splat:  What Cadillac?  Ha!  Got ya!  Boy, I’ve been telling that joke for 20 years and it never gets old.

Audience:  More moans and some groans.

Blitzed:  (slightly annoyed)  Yes, how amusing.

Darth Vader
Splat:  You’re welcome.  Anyhow, you know nobody wants to be associated with that half a dumb-ass, Carl from Caddyshack when you’re out there battling The Empire.

Blitzed:  So tell us about some of your more exciting and dangerous battles with The Empirical Forces.

Splat:  Yeah, in a minute but, right now I could go for a cold brewsky.  You got any in that Green room?  (getting up from his chair) I could just run over and get us a couple.  You want a brewsky?

Blitzed:  NO!  Please sit down.  There are no alcoholic beverages in the Green room.

Splat:  You sure?  Have you checked that mini fridge?  Seems like a waste of mini fridge if you ain’t gonna put beer in it.

Blitzed:  Please! Let’s get back on topic.  Tell us what it’s like to be in a firefight with the enemy?

Splat:  Yeah, well, uh, you know, uh, I don’t really know.

Blitzed:  What do you mean?

Splat:  Well, uh, you know, space, space is really, really big.  So, you can cruise on patrol for light years without seein nothing.  Hey! You know why they call it a “light year”?

Blitzed:  (slightly annoyed) Why?

Splat:  Cuz it’s got half the calories of a regular year!  Ha, ha, got you again.  Man, I’m having a blast.  Hey Blintzed, let’s go get some brews and chicken wings after this, wadda ya say?

Blitzed:  I doubt it.  Splat, what about all those decorations on your uniform? 

Splat:  You like that?  My mom did it.  Hey! I should call her to go out with us for brews and wings.  Yeah, that’ll be fun.

Blitzed:  So, you’ve never been under enemy fire?

Splat:  Enemy fire?  Uh, nooo.  Shoot!  I only fired my own weapons twice.  Once by accident and the other time I shot at a UFO that startled me.  Hey! You know what they call UFOs in interstellar space?

Blitzed:  (slightly annoyed) What?

Splat:  UFOs

The two men stare at each other in amazement for a few seconds, while the audience stares at them in amazement too.

Master Yoda
Blitzed:  Well, I’m afraid we’ve run out of time.  I’ll see you next time on The uh, Warrior’s Studio with a much better interview.

Splat:  (getting up to shake Blitzed’s hand)  I dunno, I thought it went pretty dang good.  (shouting to the audience)  Hey!  Who’s up for Brews and Wings?  Alright!  Let’s go.

Wow! What an insight to the Warrior’s mindset.  I’m glad Splat is on our side.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Secret Debate

Agent 54 here again.  You probably thought that the Democrats didn’t hold any real debates in 2016 and just crowned Hillary Clinton their nominee.  How wrong you were.  My NSA under the DORD recorded the Secret Democrat Presidential debate.  Here’s my report.

Scene:  Sound stage at Cable Ass Network’s Secret location with 4 podiums set up but only 3 candidates are behind them.  The Debate Monitor, Blitzed Wolfer sits at a desk facing the candidates.  The only audience allowed are campaign staffers and security personnel.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Welcome everyone to CAN’s Secret location for the 2016 Democrat Presidential Debate.

Staffers & Security:  Mild applause.

Martin O'Malley
Blitzed Wolfer:  On stage we have former Governor Martin O’Malley (mild applause), Senator Bernie Sanders (mild applause), Vice President Joe Biden (mild applause) and Hillary Clinton (the very loud sound of recorded cheers from college football game blasts the studio).

Bernie Sanders:  What the hell was that BS?

Martin O’Malley:  Yeah! Why the loud cheers for Hillary and not us?

Hillary Clinton:  (in a southern drawl) I didn’t hear nothin.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Where’s the Vice President?

Hillary Clinton:  (in a southern drawl) Oh, you know ole Dopey Joe.  He always a day late and dollar short.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Well, we can’t wait for him.  Let’s get started with our first question for Candidate Bernie Sanders.  Senator, why the heck are you running against Hillary?

Bernie Sanders:  What the hell kinda BS question is that?  I gotta right to run like every other PC Commie Pinko Meathead in America.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Thank you Senator.  Now Governor O’Malley, are you out of your mind?

Martin O’Malley:  Say, what’s going on here?  Are you working for Hillary Clinton’s Foundation or what?

Blitzed Wolfer:  Thank you Governor.  Now Mrs. Clinton, with your vast experience, intelligence, charm and overall talent, how do you think you will benefit every single American best?

Before Hillary can answer, Dopey Joe Biden burst through a side door and trips up the three stairs but, finally makes it to his podium.

Joe Biden:  I’m here teacher.

Hillary Clinton:  (screeching)  You’re late!

Joe Biden:  I’m sorry but, I fell asleep at another of those boring National Security briefings we have every stupid day.  OMG!

Blitzed Wolfer:  I’ve been told by my staff that, Mr. Vice President you did not pay the full million dollar entrance fee.  It says here you only paid $999,999.00.

Hillary Clinton:  (in a southern drawl) Whadda I tell ya.
Al Gore

Joe Biden:  I found a Nickel on the way in.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Well, that’s not good enough.  I’m afraid you’ll have to stay and participate in the rest of the debate.

Joe Biden:  Darn!

Martin O’Malley:  What gives here?  I thought we would all be treated equally here tonight?

Hillary Clinton:  (sternly but, with a southern drawl) Quit you’re whinin!  You got ta answer uh question.

Bernie Sanders:  (to Hillary) What’s up with that phony Southern accent?  You’re about as Southern as I am.

  The lights suddenly go out and there’s the sounds of a lot of commotion for 10 seconds.  When the lights come back on, Bernie Sanders is gone and at his spot behind the podium is a polar bear.  Everyone including the polar bear turns and stares at Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton:  What!  I didn’t do it. It must be that Vast Right Wing Conspiracy again.

  The polar bear pops his head off to reveal a very sweaty Al Gore.

Al Gore:  Hi everyone.  Boy this Global Warming is really getting bad.  I’m sweating up a storm.

Martin O’Malley:  I guess you would be, in a 50 pound polar bear suit.  Why are you wearing that?

Al Gore:  It’s comfortable.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Welcome Mr. Vice President Gore.  As long as you’re here, I may as well ask you a debate question too.  Tell us, why do you think Hillary Clinton would be a great President?

Martin O’Malley:  I thought this was going to be a real debate.  Why has no one asked Hillary Clinton about her Top Secret emails?

The whole room collectively gasps.

Special Agent Gracie Hart
  In a flash, 25 FBI agents burst through several doors and surround Hillary Clinton on the stage.  Special Agent Gracie Hart puts Hillary in handcuffs.

Special Agent Gracie Hart:  Mrs. Clinton, the FBI would like to ask you about your classified emails.

Hillary Clinton:  (starting to force a tear)  But, my mother had it so hard…..

Wow! That was wild and crazy but, at least it had a happy ending.

Donkey Discrimination

Monica Mess Game Show

Are You Nutz!

That's a Terrible Lie

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Burgundy Bus Breakdown

  Agent 54 here again.  Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the Presidential race.  It was a great race for Ron.  Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail.  

  There are times when it’s hard to do your job but, you know that somebody’s gotta do it.  I had to listen to an awful breakdown on the Ron Burgundy Campaign bus.  Here’s my report.

Scene:  The Burgundy Campaign bus is rolling down  I-80 somewhere in Iowa.   In the back half of the bus is Ron, The Only Wendy Shade and Howard.  The area is a stinking mess.  Used tissues, napkins and greasy chicken bones abound.   A greasy KFC bucket (all beaks and feet) has been cut to look something like a crown and is smashed into an empty seat.  Ron is unshaven and wearing a greasy t-shirt, Panda pajama bottoms and bunny slippers.  Ron’s hair is not good and his eyes look like he’s been crying all day.

Wendy:  (sternly) Ron! You have to pull your head out of your ass right now.  What if the press were to see you like this?  One picture of you right now and the only place you could get elected would be New York.

Ron:  (balling his eyes out) Bwah, ha but I love her bwa I love Cher bwa aha aha

Wendy:  (yelling)  Snap out of it! (angrily) Oh, I can’t take this anymore.

Wendy storms through the heavy curtains that separate the front half of the bus from the back and fills her left hand with aspirin and her right hand with a plastic cup of Merlo.

In the back half of the bus, Howard takes his turn.

Howard:  (calmly)  Ron, as your spiritual adviser I advise you to pull your head out of your ass immediately and then, take a shower.

Ron:  (still balling)  Get the bwah ha get the heck out of here bwa ha ha I’m gonna call her again boo hoo hoo go now git!  I don’t care what they say bwah ha ha, she’s not a smelly Pirate hooker bwa ha aha ha…

Howard goes to the front of the bus and takes his seat.  He looks at Wendy and shakes his head.

Scene:  Cher’s residence in Hollywood.  Cher opens the front door and she and her latest boyfriend, 19 year-old Justin Bieber walk in.  As Cher heads for the bathroom doing the pee pee dance, the phone rings.  Bieber answers it.

Justin:  Hey, what’s happenin bro?

Ron:  Hallo?  Whose this? Where’s Cher?

Justin:  Who’s this?  I’ll tell ya who’s this, it’s the hottest pop star in the world.  That’s,,,

Ron:  (interrupting)  Well, I don’t care!  Put Cher on.

Justin:  Hey old man, you don’t know who,,,

Ron:  (interrupting)  Just shut up and put Cher on, bwa ha ha.

Cher grabs the phone just as Bieber was going to hang it up.

Cher:  Hello, who is this?

Ron:  Cher, is that really you?  It’s Ron.
Justin Bieber

Cher:  Yeah, it’s really me, Ron, Ron,,,,Oh Ron Burgundy, the candidate?

Ron:  Yes, yes it’s me, Ron Burgundy your gentleman lover.

Cher:  Uh, okay, I guess, hey, how are you?  Where are you?

Ron:  I’m in a rolling steel case of emotion in Idaho or somewhere.  I’ve been calling and texting and e-mailing you for days.  Where have you been?

Cher:  Uh, nowhere special.  You know, out and about.  I did go shopping on Rodeo drive where I found this terrific purple Gucci handbag,,,

Ron:  (interrupting) I do not wish to talk of trivial matters such as women’s accessories.  I want to discuss matters of the heart and of the bonding of two souls in beautiful and meaningful bondingness.

Cher:  Oh boy.  Listen Ron, I think you kinda got the wrong idea last weekend.

Ron:  But, but, we made sweet love and talked of rainbows and unicorns.

Cher:  Yeah, and that was really groovy and all but, you know, I’m not really a commitment type person.  I’m still sowing my wild oats or something.  Can you dig it?

10 seconds of stunned silence.

Ron:  But, I love you.

Cher:  And I love you too and I love Ice cream and my new handbag and Biebes (her nickname for Justin Bieber)  over there and you know, love is what makes the world go round.  Listen, Biebes and I are going to jump in the pool now.  Give me a buzz when you’re in Hollywood again.  Chow babe!  Click!

Justin:  (to Cher) Who was that babe?

Cher:  Oh, just another love-sick man-child.  Hey, ya want me to order a pizza?

Justin:  Oh babe, I thought I’d take you out someplace cool and fun.  Wadda ya say we check out Chucky Cheese tonight?

Cher:  Chucky Cheese?  Oh okay, whatever.

Back on the bus an hour has gone by and everyone up front is asleep (except the driver).    Ron Burgundy burst through the curtains and hops up to the front of the bus.   He’s wearing a perfectly pressed burgundy colored suit with a neat tie.  He is clean shaven, smelling good and his hair is a work of art.  Everyone wakes as Ron pounces. 

Ron:  Well now, is this a campaign or a funeral?

A couple of seconds of stunned silence before the whole staff burst into applause for Ron.

Howard shouts:  He’s baa-aack! 

Ron:  Back and better than ever my compadre.

Wendy:  Whoo Hoo, it’s about time.  You were starting to get on my nerves.

Ron:  You know, I’m hungry.  Driver, is there a steakhouse near here?

Driver:  There’s an Outback Steakhouse at the next exit.

Ron:  To the Outback.  Steaks and Merlo for everyone.  Let’s re-charge on nature’s good bounty and then go get some votes.

The whole bus erupts in enthusiastic cheers!

Just as the Phoenix rose from the ashes, Ron Burgundy pulled his head out of his ass and renewed and rejuvenated his campaign for President of the United States of America in 2016.   Ron Burgundy is Classy.