Agent 54 : Burgundy Bus Breakdown

Agent 54 here again. Well, Ron Burgundy has conceded the Presidential race. It was a great race for Ron. Let's take a look back at the fun we had on the campaign trail.

There are times when it’s hard to do your job but, you know that somebody’s gotta do it. I had to listen to an awful breakdown on the Ron Burgundy Campaign bus. Here’s my report.

Scene: The Burgundy Campaign bus is rolling down I-80 somewhere in Iowa. In the back half of the bus is Ron, The Only Wendy Shade and Howard. The area is a stinking mess. Used tissues, napkins and greasy chicken bones abound. A greasy KFC bucket (all beaks and feet) has been cut to look something like a crown and is smashed into an empty seat. Ron is unshaven and wearing a greasy t-shirt, Panda pajama bottoms and bunny slippers. Ron’s hair is not good and his eyes look like he’s been crying all day.

Wendy: (sternly) Ron! You have to pull your head out of your ass right now. What if the press were to see you like this? One picture of you right now and the only place you could get elected would be New York.

Ron: (balling his eyes out) Bwah, ha but I love her bwa I love Cher bwa aha aha

Wendy: (yelling) Snap out of it! (angrily) Oh, I can’t take this anymore.

Wendy storms through the heavy curtains that separate the front half of the bus from the back and fills her left hand with aspirin and her right hand with a plastic cup of Merlo.

In the back half of the bus, Howard takes his turn.

Howard: (calmly) Ron, as your spiritual adviser I advise you to pull your head out of your ass immediately and then, take a shower.

Cher

Ron: (still balling) Get the bwah ha get the heck out of here bwa ha ha I’m gonna call her again boo hoo hoo go now git! I don’t care what they say bwah ha ha, she’s not a smelly Pirate hooker bwa ha aha ha…

Howard goes to the front of the bus and takes his seat. He looks at Wendy and shakes his head.

Scene: Cher’s residence in Hollywood. Cher opens the front door and she and her latest boyfriend, 19 year-old Justin Bieber walk in. As Cher heads for the bathroom doing the pee pee dance, the phone rings. Bieber answers it.

Justin: Hey, what’s happenin bro?

Ron: Hallo? Whose this? Where’s Cher?

Justin: Who’s this? I’ll tell ya who’s this, it’s the hottest pop star in the world. That’s,,,

Ron: (interrupting) Well, I don’t care! Put Cher on.

Justin: Hey old man, you don’t know who,,,

Ron: (interrupting) Just shut up and put Cher on, bwa ha ha.

Cher grabs the phone just as Bieber was going to hang it up.

Cher: Hello, who is this?

Ron: Cher, is that really you? It’s Ron.

Justin Bieber

Cher: Yeah, it’s really me, Ron, Ron,,,,Oh Ron Burgundy, the candidate?

Ron: Yes, yes it’s me, Ron Burgundy your gentleman lover.

Cher: Uh, okay, I guess, hey, how are you? Where are you?

Ron: I’m in a rolling steel case of emotion in Idaho or somewhere. I’ve been calling and texting and e-mailing you for days. Where have you been?

Cher: Uh, nowhere special. You know, out and about. I did go shopping on Rodeo drive where I found this terrific purple Gucci handbag,,,

Ron: (interrupting) I do not wish to talk of trivial matters such as women’s accessories. I want to discuss matters of the heart and of the bonding of two souls in beautiful and meaningful bondingness.

Cher: Oh boy. Listen Ron, I think you kinda got the wrong idea last weekend.

Ron: But, but, we made sweet love and talked of rainbows and unicorns.

Cher: Yeah, and that was really groovy and all but, you know, I’m not really a commitment type person. I’m still sowing my wild oats or something. Can you dig it?

10 seconds of stunned silence.

Ron: But, I love you.

Cher: And I love you too and I love Ice cream and my new handbag and Biebes (her nickname for Justin Bieber) over there and you know, love is what makes the world go round. Listen, Biebes and I are going to jump in the pool now. Give me a buzz when you’re in Hollywood again. Chow babe! Click!

Justin: (to Cher) Who was that babe?

Cher: Oh, just another love-sick man-child. Hey, ya want me to order a pizza?

Justin: Oh babe, I thought I’d take you out someplace cool and fun. Wadda ya say we check out Chucky Cheese tonight?

Cher: Chucky Cheese? Oh okay, whatever.

Back on the bus an hour has gone by and everyone up front is asleep (except the driver). Ron Burgundy burst through the curtains and hops up to the front of the bus. He’s wearing a perfectly pressed burgundy colored suit with a neat tie. He is clean shaven, smelling good and his hair is a work of art. Everyone wakes as Ron pounces.

Ron: Well now, is this a campaign or a funeral?

A couple of seconds of stunned silence before the whole staff burst into applause for Ron.

Howard shouts: He’s baa-aack!

Ron: Back and better than ever my compadre.

Wendy: Whoo Hoo, it’s about time. You were starting to get on my nerves.

Ron: You know, I’m hungry. Driver, is there a steakhouse near here?

Driver: There’s an Outback Steakhouse at the next exit.

Ron: To the Outback. Steaks and Merlo for everyone. Let’s re-charge on nature’s good bounty and then go get some votes.

The whole bus erupts in enthusiastic cheers!

Just as the Phoenix rose from the ashes, Ron Burgundy pulled his head out of his ass and renewed and rejuvenated his campaign for President of the United States of America in 2016. Ron Burgundy is Classy.