Agent 54 is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. Agent 54 works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. Agent 54 reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Agent 54 here again. You probably thought that the Democrats didn’t hold any real debates in 2016 and just crowned Hillary Clinton their nominee. How wrong you
were. My NSA under the DORD recorded the
Secret Democrat Presidential debate.
Here’s my report.
Scene: Sound stage at Cable Ass Network’s Secret
location with 4 podiums set up but only 3 candidates are behind them. The Debate Monitor, Blitzed Wolfer sits at a
desk facing the candidates. The only audience
allowed are campaign staffers and security personnel.
Wolfer: Welcome everyone to CAN’s Secret
location for the 2016 Democrat Presidential Debate.
& Security: Mild applause.
Wolfer: On stage we have former Governor
Martin O’Malley (mild applause), Senator Bernie Sanders (mild applause), Vice
President Joe Biden (mild applause) and Hillary Clinton (the very loud sound of
recorded cheers from college football game blasts the studio).
Sanders: What the hell was that BS?
O’Malley: Yeah! Why the loud cheers for
Hillary and not us?
Clinton: (in a southern drawl) I didn’t
Wolfer: Where’s the Vice President?
Clinton: (in a southern drawl) Oh, you
know ole Dopey Joe. He always a day late
and dollar short.
Wolfer: Well, we can’t wait for
him. Let’s get started with our first
question for Candidate Bernie Sanders.
Senator, why the heck are you running against Hillary?
Sanders: What the hell kinda BS question
is that? I gotta right to run like every
other PC Commie Pinko Meathead in America.
Wolfer: Thank you Senator. Now Governor O’Malley, are you out of your
O’Malley: Say, what’s going on
here? Are you working for Hillary
Clinton’s Foundation or what?
Wolfer: Thank you Governor. Now Mrs. Clinton, with your vast experience,
intelligence, charm and overall talent, how do you think you will benefit every
single American best?
Hillary can answer, Dopey Joe Biden burst through a side door and trips up the
three stairs but, finally makes it to his podium.
Biden: I’m here teacher.
Clinton: (screeching) You’re
Biden: I’m sorry but, I fell asleep at
another of those boring National Security briefings we have every stupid day. OMG!
Wolfer: I’ve been told by my staff that,
Mr. Vice President you did not pay the full million dollar entrance fee. It says here you only paid $999.999.00.
Clinton: (in a southern drawl) Whadda I
Biden: I found a Nickel on the way in.
Wolfer: Well, that’s not good
enough. I’m afraid you’ll have to stay
and participate in the rest of the debate.
O’Malley: What gives here? I thought we would all be treated equally
Clinton: (sternly but, with a southern
drawl) Quit you’re whinin! You got ta
answer uh question.
Sanders: (to Hillary) What’s up with
that phony Southern accent? You’re about
as Southern as I am.
The lights suddenly go out and there’s the
sounds of a lot of commotion for 10 seconds.
When the lights come back on, Bernie Sanders is gone and at his spot
behind the podium is a polar bear. Everyone
including the polar bear turns and stares at Hillary Clinton.
Clinton: What! I didn’t do it. It must be that Vast Right
Wing Conspiracy again.
The polar bear pops his head off to reveal a
very sweaty Al Gore.
Gore: Hi everyone. Boy this Global Warming is really getting
bad. I’m sweating up a storm.
O’Malley: I guess you would be, in a 50
pound polar bear suit. Why are you
Gore: It’s comfortable.
Wolfer: Welcome Mr. Vice President
Gore. As long as you’re here, I may as
well ask you a debate question too. Tell
us, why do you think Hillary Clinton would be a great President?
O’Malley: I thought this was going to be
a real debate. Why has no one asked
Hillary Clinton about her Top Secret emails?
The whole room collectively gasps.
Special Agent Gracie Hart
In a flash, 25 FBI agents burst through
several doors and surround Hillary Clinton on the stage. Special Agent Gracie Hart puts Hillary in
Agent Gracie Hart: Mrs. Clinton, the FBI
would like to ask you about your classified emails.
Clinton: (starting to force a tear) But, my mother had it so hard…..
Wow! That was wild and crazy but, at
least it had a happy ending.