Agent 54 : Is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. He works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. He reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. I
Captain Carl Splatdorfman
Agent 54 here again.I got to review a tape of Blitzed Wolfer
recording his first interview in his new series titled The Warrior’s Studio.Looks like this is going to be a very interesting feature on CAN (The
Cable Ass Network).Here’s my summary of the first episode.
Scene: On a stage there are just two comfortable
chairs set up for one on one interviews.
Blitzed Wolfer is seated on the left with his question cards and his
guest is on the right. There is a small
Wolfer: Welcome everyone to the first
of my new series of interviews called The Warrior’s Studio.
I’ll be bringing you fascinating insights from warriors who come from
all over the Universe. Please welcome my
first guest, Captain Carl Splatdorfman of the Rebel Alliance’s 1254th
X-Wing Fighter Squadron.
Audience: Polite applause for Capt. Splatdorfman.
Splatdorfman: Thank you, it’s a pleasure
to be here and the food is great.
Audience: Some chuckles.
Blitzed: Oh, did you enjoy the fair in our Green room?
Splatdorfman: (loud belch) Burrrrp! Oh,
I should say I did.
Audience: Muffled moans.
Splatdorfman: Yeah, you don’t get
Muskrat Parmigiana like that when you’re patrolling out in interstellar
Blitzed: Oh, Capt. Splatdorfman, I doubt it was
Muskrat. More likely it was chicken.
Splatdorfman: Yeah, whatever, it was
mighty tasty. Hey, call me “Splat”. Everybody does.
Blitzed: Alright, do they call you “Splat” because you
splatter your enemies?
Splat: Uh, no, not really. Uh, I dunno why they call me “Splat”. What the heck! It’s better than being called “Carl”.
What’s wrong with being called “Carl”?
Splat: Boy, these questions are tough! Anyway, you know
that Assistant Greens Keeper in the movie Caddyshed?
Blitzed: That’s Caddyshack.
Splat: What Cadillac? Ha!
Got ya! Boy, I’ve been telling
that joke for 20 years and it never gets old.
Audience: More moans and some groans.
Blitzed: (slightly annoyed) Yes, how amusing.
Splat: You’re welcome. Anyhow, you know nobody wants to be
associated with that half a dumb-ass, Carl from Caddyshack when you’re out
there battling The Empire.
Blitzed: So tell us about some of your more exciting
and dangerous battles with The Empirical Forces.
Splat: Yeah, in a minute but, right now I could go
for a cold brewsky. You got any in that
Green room? (getting up from his chair)
I could just run over and get us a couple.
You want a brewsky?
Please sit down. There are no
alcoholic beverages in the Green room.
Splat: You sure?
Have you checked that mini fridge?
Seems like a waste of mini fridge if you ain’t gonna put beer in it.
Blitzed: Please! Let’s get back on topic. Tell us what it’s like to be in a firefight
with the enemy?
Splat: Yeah, well, uh, you know, uh, I don’t really
Blitzed: What do you mean?
Splat: Well, uh, you know, space, space is really,
really big. So, you can cruise on patrol
for light years without seein nothing.
Hey! You know why they call it a “light year”?
Blitzed: (slightly annoyed) Why?
Splat: Cuz it’s got half the calories of a regular
year! Ha, ha, got you again. Man, I’m having a blast. Hey Blintzed, let’s go get some brews and
chicken wings after this, wadda ya say?
Blitzed: I doubt it.
Splat, what about all those decorations on your uniform?
Splat: You like that? My mom did it. Hey! I should call her to go out with us for
brews and wings. Yeah, that’ll be fun.
Blitzed: So, you’ve never been under enemy fire?
Splat: Enemy fire?
Uh, nooo. Shoot! I only fired my own weapons twice. Once by accident and the other time I shot at
a UFO that startled me. Hey! You know
what they call UFOs in interstellar space?
Blitzed: (slightly annoyed) What?
The two men
stare at each other in amazement for a few seconds, while the audience stares
at them in amazement too.
Blitzed: Well, I’m afraid we’ve run out of time. I’ll see you next time on The uh, Warrior’s
Studio with a much better interview.
Splat: (getting up to shake Blitzed’s hand) I dunno, I thought it went pretty dang good. (shouting to the audience) Hey!
Who’s up for Brews and Wings?
Alright! Let’s go.
Wow! What an insight to the Warrior’s
mindset. I’m glad Splat is on our side.