Agent 54 : The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. II

Sunday, November 8, 2015

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. II

Darrik Orangpants

Agent 54 here again. I’m very excited to bring you the second episode of Blitzed Wolfer’s new interview series, The Warrior’s Studio. Once again we will be learning the deepest darkest secrets of combatants from all over the Universe. Here’s my report from the (CAN) Cable Ass Network studio.

Blitzed Wolfer: Welcome everyone to the second installment of my new series, The Warrior’s Studio. Today’s guest is Darrik Orangpants of the Orangpants clan on the forest moon of Endor.

Audience: Polite applause for Darrik Orangpants.

Darrik: (in low dark voice) Uhg, thank you.

Blitzed: So, you live on the same moon of Endor as the Ewoks?

Darrik: Yeah, so what! That’s all anyone wants to talk about is those stupid midget Teddy bears. They get all the attention! The Universe was a better place when we used to eat those stupid things.

Blitzed and the whole audience gasp as one.

Blitzed: You, you can’t mean that.

Darrik: Uh, no, I guess not. You know The Empire was in charge back then and things sucked.

Ewok

Blitzed: No, I mean, well, you never really did eat those adorable little Ewoks, did you?

Darrik: Well, no, not me personally. That was before my time but, I was told stories of whole Orangpants family, oh yeah Blintzed, we’re a family, not a clan.

Blitzed: (visibly shaken) Uh, yes, a family. Let’s skip the stories of Thanksgiving on Endor, shall we. Tell us about how you battled The Empire.

Darrik: Yeah, well, you see this wrench I have for a right hand? Well, some of us have wrenches and some have screwdrivers and so we would sneak out late at night and go find The Empire’s road signs and traffic signals and we’d loosen up the screws and bolts and change them around so the newbies would get lost when trying to report to base in the morning.

Blitzed: Uh, that’s vandalism.

Darrik: Hell yeah it is! And the Orangpants family is the best in the Universe at it.

Blitzed: Uh, what was the effect on The Empire.

Darrik: Well, you know. They’d have to stop and ask for directions or make a phone call. Ha ha ha.

Blitzed: Well, that doesn’t really seem like you’re doing much to defeat The Empire by simply getting them temporarily lost.

Darth Vader

Darrik: Hey! What the heck did you do to fight Darth Vader? Boar him with that stupid interview of Carl Splat? You know, after I saw that, I almost cancelled this whole stupid thing.

Blitzed: I apologize. Please tell us more about your ~~cla~~ uh family. How many Orangpants are there?

Darrik: I dunno. Too many! My stupid brother-in law, Lite Orangpants had to move in with us when my sister, Bernt Orangpants dumped him for running around with Tangereen Orangpants.

Blitzed: I see. So, what do you do for a living now that The Empire has been defeated on Endor.

Darrik: I work part-time under the table at a bicycle and speeder repair shop but, mostly I collect a nice disability check from the Rebel Alliance. You know the Doctor says I got PTSD or some shit. War is hell.

Blitzed: You got PTSD from rearranging road signs?

Darrik: (jumping up from his chair) Hey! Those were Darth Vader’s damn signs! You Hollywood knuckleheads don’t have a clue. You live in Fantasyland!

Chebacca

Blitzed: I’m sorry, I apologize. Please sit down.

Darrik: Noway! I’m outta here but, first I’m gonna raid that mini fridge in the green room. Oh yeah don’t bother asking me to come back and don’t bother looking for the nuts & bolts on the mini fridge door either!

Blitzed: Uh, well, I guess we’re out of time on The Warrior’s Studio. Thank you for watching and I really, really hope to see you next time. (whispering under his breath) If there is a next time.

How great was that! Blitzed is doing a fine job of exploring the depths of minds of these brave warriors. I can hardly wait to see who he interviews next.

May the force be with you.