Saturday, February 27, 2016

Bernie and the Jets

Agent 54 here again.  Today I heard another of  Blitzed Wolfer’s great interviews.   It was with Bernie Sanders and his band “The Jets”.   They were warming up for an evening show in a small auditorium on a small college campus.  Here’s my report.

Scene:  Small stage in a small auditorium on a small college campus.  A band is tuning and setting up their equipment.  The keyboard player is none other than Bernie Sanders who was actually cheated in a Presidential Primary race by Crooked Hillary in 2016.  Blitzed Wolfer and his film crew approach Candidate Sanders with the microphone and a camera.

Blitzed Wolfer:  Hi ya, Bernie.

Bernie Sanders:  Well, if it isn’t my old friend Mr. Wolfer.  How ya been you old dog?

Blitzed:  Fine, so tell me, how’s the band sounding?

Bernie:  Well, they try hard but, they ain’t The Beatles and I’m no John  Lennon, I’ll tell ya that.

Not John Lennon
Blitzed:  Isn’t that Billy-Bob Jones who used to play with the Allman Brothers in the 70s, playing bass for you?

Bernie:  Nah, that’s Bobby Smith who played with the Almond Brothers or some other nuttballs a long time ago.  I dunno, who can remember?

Blitzed:  So, are you here just to get away from the stress of the campaign trail for a while?

Bernie:  Yeah, and ya know, I gotta pay the bills too.

Blitzed:  Yes, I was going to ask you about that.  I heard the ticket price for this little event was $250.00.  Isn’t that a little steep for a band that is “not The Beatles”?

Bernie:  Steep- Schmeep!  What, don’t I have a right to earn a decent living?

Blitzed:  Well, of course you do but, you know you are the one always preaching about how everything should be free for everybody.  Isn’t there some hypocrisy in charging such a high price to these kids here who will be struggling to pay their student loans?

Bernie:  Hippo – Schmippo!  These kids coming here tonight represent the 1% that can come out to our show.  Let’s just consider the 250 clams a Tax on the rich.  They have to pay their fair share so the other kids don’t have to hear how bad we really are.

Blitzed:  But, what if the 1% kids decide they want to go to the show down the street that is charging $25.00 to hear a much better band?

Bernie:  Then we’ll throw those bastards in jail!

Blitzed:  Uh, that makes no sense.  If you jail the kids for not seeing your show, they can’t go to either show and both bands go broke.

Bernie:  Broke-Schmoke!  We’ll throw them in jail and make them pay a $500.00 fine to the Government and then the Government can pay my band to perform in the jail and everybody is happy.

Blitzed:  Happy-Schmappy!  What about the innocent American kids you jailed and forced to hear your band?

Bernie:  To hell with them.  They shouldn’t have been in the 1%.

Blitzed:  Uh, yeah, uh, well, I gotta go now. (under his breath and to his film crew) let’s get the heck out of here.  The Crazy is getting a little deep in here.

Bernie:  Okay, I’ll see you later for the show and don’t forget your $250 bucks and that goes for your crew too.

Wow!  I guess we learned something about Socialist Economic Policy or Economic Socialist Policy or maybe just plain old Insanity.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Brotherly Love

  Agent 54 here again.  I got to listen in on a phone call between two famous brothers.  The big brother Ronald, is a highly successful entrepreneur in the restaurant industry.  The little brother Norm, is an actor – comedian.  Here’s my report on what the McDonald brothers were talking about.  

Norm:  Yello!,  Norm here.

Ronald:  Hey little brother.  How are you?

Norm:  Hey Ron, I’m good.  What’s up?

Ronald:  Well, I’ve seen your TV adds where you dress up as Colonel Sanders for KFC.  I still can’t get my red head around the fact that you’re working to promote one of my biggest competitors.  I mean, really?

Norm:  Hey, it’s work.  You know I was having a hard time getting gigs in this country.  What the heck!  You can’t blame me for wanting to make a buck, for cripes sake.

Ronald:  Oh, com’on  little bro.  I mean, you know I offered you The Hamburgler role.  We could have been working together.

Norm:  The Hamburgler!  Are you serious?  I’m 6’1” tall, for cryin out loud.  I can’t play a mumbling midget criminal in a mask!  I mean that would have been the final nail in the coffin of my career, for freakin sure.

Ronald:  Don’t call him a midget.  The Hamburgler is a little person.

Norm:  Whatever!  I mean, If I played him we both could end up waiting tables and sleepin on the beach in Costa Rica.

Ronald:  Oh com’on.  You’re exaggerating and besides, there’s nothing wrong with waiting tables.  Customer service is a noble endeavor.

Col. Sanders
Norm:  Who are you to judge me anyway?  I mean, you sit there in your McMansion eating French fries all day long and you never gain any weight.  How the heck is that even possible, for the love of secret sauce?

Ronald:  Hey, I work out!

Norm:  Listen Ronny, the folks at KFC pay me good and they think I’m funny so get off my back.  I mean, you had your chance to throw me a bone or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and you blew it. 

Ronald:  But, what will Mom think?  Two brothers working directly against each other.  It’s just not right.

Norm:  Mom will be proud when she sees my paycheck.  Besides, you’re doing great without me.  You don’t need me.  What’s this really all about?

Ronald:  Don’t you know?  It’s all about family.  You’re my little brother.  I miss you and I care about you.  Listen, let’s get together this weekend and do lunch at Mom’s house.  She misses you too.

Norm:  Uh, yeah, I guess.  Yeah, I’ll come.  Should I bring a something to eat?  Extra Crispy?

Ronald:  (sarcastically) Yeah, Ha ha.  You always thought you were the funny one.

Well, I hope these two can patch things up for the family’s sake.

Call your Mom.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Agent 54’s Night at the Improv

  In 2011 when I was on vacation in Lake Tahoe, a young comedian named Kyle Cease called Agent 54 up on the stage at the Improv, to help him with his act.  I was able to help him get a few laughs and so started my comedy career.  So far, I haven’t earned a dime in comedy but, maybe I’ve made a few people chuckle.
That’s fine with me.

  I’ve had the outline of a stand-up routine in my head for years now.  Finally I’m going to actually write it.  I know what you’re thinking.  Calm down, you just have to wait a little longer.  Okay, just a little longer now.  Okay here it is.

Announcer:  He’s here all the way from the NSA under the DORD, how about a big hand for Agent 54.

Audience:  Polite applause.

Agent 54:  Hi everyone, I know you’re doing great or they wouldn’t let you in here tonight.  I’m Agent 54 and this is my first time on stage in front of people and,,(Agent 54 freezes in terror clutching the mic with both hands and wearing a bug-eyed stare of terror straight out into the audience for about 3 seconds.)

Agent 54:  (Snapping back into his slick and confident comedian mode)  Hey, but really, I’ve got nothing to be worried about.  There’s only two ways this can go.  Either I knock you dead and we all have a good time and the owner is happy and he invites me back and a Hollywood agent sees me and I sign a big movie deal and become a rich and famous comedian with a great big expensive car and a mansion with a pool full of Hollywood Starlets or it’s back to Friday nights sitting on the couch watching re-runs of Saved By the Bell.  I can’t lose! 

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  (Looking at one particular audience member in the front row.)  I know, you wish you were me, don’t you?  (Agent 54 gives the audience a wink.)

Agent 54:  So, have any of you noticed that I’m bald?  Yes, it’s true.  Fact, I have more hair on my face than my head.  I like being bald.  It forces you to have a sense of humor.

Heckler from the Audience:  You Stink!

Agent 54:  (To the Heckler) Thanks Dad.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Everyone, how about a hand for my Dad.

Heckler:  I’m not your dad and you stink!

Agent 54:  Isn’t he great.  He’s always been my biggest supporter.  (To the Heckler) Thanks for coming out tonight.  Kiss Mom for me.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  So, you know how people are always saying "I take one day at a time"? Not me.  I take 2 days at a time.  That's why I look so young at age 56.

Audience:  Moderate Laughs.

Agent 54:  That was a math joke.  It's okay if you don't get it.  

Audience:  Moderate Laughs.

Agent 54:  So, any Liars here tonight?  Everybody lies.  Raise your hand if you occasionally tell a lie. Okay, I’m going to count, 1,2,3 okay 27.   Wait a minute.  Not everybody raised their hand.  You Pinocchio’s are lying about lying.  I can see noses growing from here.    Hey!, Sir, that’s not a nose.  Oye, Put that away.  This is a family show.  

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  America loves lies.  I say as an American, Lie Big or go home.  In my 20s I found myself at a party at friend’s apartment.  Trying to impress a half drunk young party girl and knowing my buddy would back me up on any lie I cared to tell, I took the little honey to my friend’s fish tank.  “See those fish?” I asked her.  “I caught them, with my bare hands!  She was pretty impressed, that is until my buddy came over.  He just had to top me.  “See that seaweed?” he asked the drunken cutie.  “I got it from the bottom of a frozen lake, on Mars!”  Wow! My buddy was claiming to have proof of extra-terrestrial life in his fish tank.  What a great lie!

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Well, that little drunkie was no Rocket Surgeon, so guess who got the girl that night.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Oh boy, I’m getting the signal to wrap it up so the next guy can come out here.   I don’t know what the rush is.  He’s nowhere near as funny as me.

Audience:  Big Laughs.

Agent 54:  Thanks for buying a ticket, Goodnight!

Well, Whadda ya think?  Was it worth the wait?


Things I Might Say

Not a Great Week