Agent 54 is a regular guy. He has a sense of humor and an active imagination. Agent 54 works for the Nominal Secrets Apparatus (NSA) under the DORD (Department of Redundancy Department) as a Listener/Reader. His job is to read, view or listen to data collected by the NSA and determine if there is a risk to national security. Agent 54 reports to his bosses, H. Cuffs and Max (Agent 86). He doesn’t take his job too seriously because he knows he’s spying on regular people most of the time.
Agent 54 here again.
Today I heard another of Blitzed
Wolfer’s great interviews. It was with
Bernie Sanders and his band “The Jets”.
They were warming up for an evening show in a small auditorium on a
small college campus. Here’s my report.
stage in a small auditorium on a small college campus. A band is tuning and setting up their
equipment. The keyboard player is none
other than Bernie Sanders who was actually cheated in a Presidential Primary race by Crooked Hillary in 2016. Blitzed Wolfer and his film crew approach
Candidate Sanders with the microphone and a camera.
Hi ya, Bernie.
Well, if it isn’t my old friend Mr. Wolfer. How ya been you old dog?
Fine, so tell me, how’s the band sounding?
they try hard but, they ain’t The Beatles and I’m no John Lennon, I’ll tell ya that.
Not John Lennon
Isn’t that Billy-Bob Jones who used to play with the Allman Brothers in
the 70s, playing bass for you?
that’s Bobby Smith who played with the Almond Brothers or some other nuttballs
a long time ago. I dunno, who can
are you here just to get away from the stress of the campaign trail for a
and ya know, I gotta pay the bills too.
I was going to ask you about that. I
heard the ticket price for this little event was $250.00. Isn’t that a little steep for a band that is “not
Schmeep! What, don’t I have a right to
earn a decent living?
Well, of course you do but, you know you are the one always preaching about
how everything should be free for everybody.
Isn’t there some hypocrisy in charging such a high
price to these kids here who will be struggling to pay their student loans?
– Schmippo! These kids coming here
tonight represent the 1% that can come out to our show. Let’s just consider the 250 clams a Tax on
the rich. They have to pay their fair
share so the other kids don’t have to hear how bad we really are.
what if the 1% kids decide they want to go to the show down the street that is
charging $25.00 to hear a much better band?
we’ll throw those bastards in jail!
that makes no sense. If you jail the
kids for not seeing your show, they can’t go to either show and both bands go
Bernie: Broke-Schmoke! We’ll throw them in jail and make them pay a $500.00
fine to the Government and then the Government can pay my band to perform in
the jail and everybody is happy.
Happy-Schmappy! What about the
innocent American kids you jailed and forced to hear your band?
Bernie: To hell
with them. They shouldn’t have been in
yeah, uh, well, I gotta go now. (under his breath and to his film crew) let’s
get the heck out of here. The Crazy is
getting a little deep in here.
I’ll see you later for the show and don’t forget your $250 bucks and that goes
for your crew too.
Wow! I guess we learned something about Socialist
Economic Policy or Economic Socialist Policy or maybe just plain old Insanity.
here again. I got to listen in on a
phone call between two famous brothers.
The big brother Ronald, is a highly successful entrepreneur in the
restaurant industry. The little brother
Norm, is an actor – comedian. Here’s my
report on what the McDonald brothers were talking about.
little brother. How are you?
Ron, I’m good. What’s up?
I’ve seen your TV adds where you dress up as Colonel Sanders for KFC. I still can’t get my red head around the fact
that you’re working to promote one of my biggest competitors. I mean, really?
it’s work. You know I was having a hard
time getting gigs in this country. What
the heck! You can’t blame me for wanting
to make a buck, for cripes sake.
com’on little bro. I mean, you know I offered you The Hamburgler
role. We could have been working
Hamburgler! Are you serious? I’m 6’1” tall, for cryin out loud. I can’t play a mumbling midget criminal in a
mask! I mean that would have been the
final nail in the coffin of my career, for freakin sure.
call him a midget. The Hamburgler is a
Whatever! I mean, If I played him
we both could end up waiting tables and sleepin on the beach in Costa Rica.
com’on. You’re exaggerating and besides,
there’s nothing wrong with waiting tables.
Customer service is a noble endeavor.
Norm: Who are
you to judge me anyway? I mean, you sit
there in your McMansion eating French fries all day long and you never gain any
weight. How the heck is that even
possible, for the love of secret sauce?
I work out!
Ronny, the folks at KFC pay me good and they think I’m funny so get off my
back. I mean, you had your chance to
throw me a bone or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and you blew it.
what will Mom think? Two brothers
working directly against each other.
It’s just not right.
Norm: Mom will
be proud when she sees my paycheck.
Besides, you’re doing great without me.
You don’t need me. What’s this
really all about?
you know? It’s all about family. You’re my little brother. I miss you and I care about you. Listen, let’s get together this weekend and
do lunch at Mom’s house. She misses you
yeah, I guess. Yeah, I’ll come. Should I bring a something to eat? Extra Crispy?
(sarcastically) Yeah, Ha ha. You
always thought you were the funny one.
I hope these two can patch things up for the family’s sake.
In 2011 when
I was on vacation in Lake Tahoe, a young comedian named Kyle Cease called Agent
54 up on the stage at the Improv, to help him with his act. I was able to help him get a few laughs and
so started my comedy career. So far, I
haven’t earned a dime in comedy but, maybe I’ve made a few people chuckle.
That’s fine with me.
I’ve had the
outline of a stand-up routine in my head for years now. Finally I’m going to actually write it. I know what you’re thinking. Calm down, you just have to wait a little
longer. Okay, just a little longer
now. Okay here it is.
here all the way from the NSA under the DORD, how about a big hand for Agent 54.
Agent 54: Hi
everyone, I know you’re doing great or they wouldn’t let you in here
tonight. I’m Agent 54 and this is my
first time on stage in front of people and,,(Agent 54 freezes in terror
clutching the mic with both hands and wearing a bug-eyed stare of terror
straight out into the audience for about 3 seconds.)
(Snapping back into his slick and confident comedian mode) Hey, but really, I’ve got nothing to be
worried about. There’s only two ways
this can go. Either I knock you dead and
we all have a good time and the owner is happy and he invites me back and a
Hollywood agent sees me and I sign a big movie deal and become a rich and
famous comedian with a great big expensive car and a mansion with a pool full
of Hollywood Starlets or it’s back to Friday nights sitting on the couch
watching re-runs of Saved By the Bell. I can’t
Agent 54: (Looking
at one particular audience member in the front row.) I know, you wish you were me, don’t you? (Agent 54 gives the audience a wink.)
Agent 54: So,
have any of you noticed that I’m bald?
Yes, it’s true. Fact, I have more
hair on my face than my head. I like
being bald. It forces you to have a
sense of humor.
Heckler from the Audience: You Stink!
Agent 54: (To
the Heckler) Thanks Dad.
Everyone, how about a hand for my Dad.
Heckler: I’m not your dad and you stink!
Agent 54: Isn’t
he great. He’s always been my biggest
supporter. (To the Heckler) Thanks for
coming out tonight. Kiss Mom for me.
Laughs. Agent 54: So, you know how people are always saying "I take one day at a time"? Not me. I take 2 days at a time. That's why I look so young at age 56. Audience: Moderate Laughs. Agent 54: That was a math joke. It's okay if you don't get it. Audience: Moderate Laughs.
Agent 54: So,
any Liars here tonight? Everybody
lies. Raise your hand if you occasionally
tell a lie. Okay, I’m going to count, 1,2,3 okay 27. Wait a
minute. Not everybody raised their
hand. You Pinocchio’s are lying about
lying. I can see noses growing from
here. Hey!, Sir, that’s nota nose. Oye, Put that away. This is a family show.
America loves lies. I say as an
American, Lie Big or go home. In my 20s I found myself at a party at friend’s
apartment. Trying to impress a half
drunk young party girl and knowing my buddy would back me up on any lie I cared
to tell, I took the little honey to my friend’s fish tank. “See those fish?” I asked her. “I caught them, with my bare hands!”She
was pretty impressed, that is until my buddy came over. He just had to top me. “See that seaweed?” he asked the drunken
cutie. “I got it from the bottom of a
frozen lake, on Mars!” Wow! My buddy
was claiming to have proof of extra-terrestrial life in his fish tank. What a
Agent 54: Well,
that little drunkie was no Rocket Surgeon, so guess who got the girl that
Agent 54: Oh
boy, I’m getting the signal to wrap it up so the next guy can come out here. I don’t know what the rush is. He’s nowhere near as funny as me.