
In 2011 when
I was on vacation in Lake Tahoe, a young comedian named Kyle Cease called Agent
54 up on the stage at the Improv, to help him with his act. I was able to help him get a few laughs and
so started my comedy career. So far, I
haven’t earned a dime in comedy but, maybe I’ve made a few people chuckle.
That’s fine with me.
I’ve had the
outline of a stand-up routine in my head for years now. Finally I’m going to actually write it. I know what you’re thinking. Calm down, you just have to wait a little
longer. Okay, just a little longer
now. Okay here it is.
Announcer: He’s
here all the way from the NSA under the DORD, how about a big hand for Agent 54.
Audience:
Polite applause.
Agent 54: Hi
everyone, I know you’re doing great or they wouldn’t let you in here
tonight. I’m Agent 54 and this is my
first time on stage in front of people and,,(Agent 54 freezes in terror
clutching the mic with both hands and wearing a bug-eyed stare of terror
straight out into the audience for about 3 seconds.)
Agent 54:
(Snapping back into his slick and confident comedian mode) Hey, but really, I’ve got nothing to be
worried about. There’s only two ways
this can go. Either I knock you dead and
we all have a good time and the owner is happy and he invites me back and a
Hollywood agent sees me and I sign a big movie deal and become a rich and
famous comedian with a great big expensive car and a mansion with a pool full
of Hollywood Starlets or it’s back to Friday nights sitting on the couch
watching re-runs of Saved By the Bell. I can’t
lose!
Audience: Big
Laughs.
Agent 54: (Looking
at one particular audience member in the front row.) I know, you wish you were me, don’t you? (Agent 54 gives the audience a wink.)
Agent 54: So,
have any of you noticed that I’m bald?
Yes, it’s true. Fact, I have more
hair on my face than my head. I like
being bald. It forces you to have a
sense of humor.
Heckler from the Audience: You Stink!
Agent 54: (To
the Heckler) Thanks Dad.
Audience: Big
Laughs.
Agent 54:
Everyone, how about a hand for my Dad.
Heckler: I’m not your dad and you stink!
Agent 54: Isn’t
he great. He’s always been my biggest
supporter. (To the Heckler) Thanks for
coming out tonight. Kiss Mom for me.
Audience: Big
Laughs.
Agent 54: So, you know how people are always saying "I take one day at a time"? Not me. I take 2 days at a time. That's why I look so young at age 56.
Audience: Moderate Laughs.
Agent 54: That was a math joke. It's okay if you don't get it.
Audience: Moderate Laughs.
Agent 54: So, you know how people are always saying "I take one day at a time"? Not me. I take 2 days at a time. That's why I look so young at age 56.
Audience: Moderate Laughs.
Agent 54: That was a math joke. It's okay if you don't get it.
Audience: Moderate Laughs.
Agent 54: So,
any Liars here tonight? Everybody
lies. Raise your hand if you occasionally
tell a lie. Okay, I’m going to count, 1,2,3 okay 27. Wait a
minute. Not everybody raised their
hand. You Pinocchio’s are lying about
lying. I can see noses growing from
here. Hey!, Sir, that’s not
a nose. Oye, Put that away. This is a family show.
Audience: Big
Laughs.
Agent 54:
America loves lies. I say as an
American, Lie Big or go home. In my 20s I found myself at a party at friend’s
apartment. Trying to impress a half
drunk young party girl and knowing my buddy would back me up on any lie I cared
to tell, I took the little honey to my friend’s fish tank. “See those fish?” I asked her. “I caught them, with my bare hands!” She
was pretty impressed, that is until my buddy came over. He just had to top me. “See that seaweed?” he asked the drunken
cutie. “I got it from the bottom of a
frozen lake, on Mars!” Wow! My buddy
was claiming to have proof of extra-terrestrial life in his fish tank. What a
great lie!
Agent 54: Well,
that little drunkie was no Rocket Surgeon, so guess who got the girl that
night.
Audience: Big
Laughs.
Agent 54: Oh
boy, I’m getting the signal to wrap it up so the next guy can come out here. I don’t know what the rush is. He’s nowhere near as funny as me.
Audience: Big
Laughs.
I thought it was funny but I was thinking about how dumb that gal was. Glad you mentioned how dense she was.
ReplyDeleteHave a fabulous day. ☺
Well, I may have exaggerated a bit.
DeleteThanks for playing and have Fab Week.
LOL you definitely didn't exaggerate haha!
ReplyDeleteHave a stinkytastic day LOL :-)
Thank you for visiting.
DeleteHave a great week.
Heeheehee! You oughta be in pictures!
ReplyDeleteYou're too kind but, can you tell Hollywood for me?
DeleteThank you for visiting
I love your response to the hecklers (Waldorf and Statler). Quick witted and priceless. But that's how you roll, Agent 54! 2 thumbs up.
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked it. Maybe someday I'll get the nerve to preform it in front of live people.
DeleteLove the liars bit and the family show line! :D #FridayFrivolity
ReplyDeleteAmerica has fallen in love with lying.
DeleteThanks for telling the truth. You are telling the truth,,aren't you?
Great post. Glad you got your moment. #FridayFrivolity
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and commenting.
DeleteThanks for making me laugh! #bloggerclubuk
ReplyDeleteHappy to make you laugh. Thanks for visiting.
DeleteTimothy,
ReplyDeleteI loved how Agent 54 puts the heckler in place. :)
BTW, I'm a VERY ordinary, boring person. I hope you can take an easy hint to keep your NSA eyes off my Internet activity, aim them toward a shifty, shady lookin' character. Oh wait...you can't see them or wait can you? Yikes, is it even safe to leave a comment here? :D Have a laughtastic day!
Views from my window...well, almost #ww
We at the NSA under the DORD will decide who's ordinary and boring.
DeleteThanks for playing.