I jumped out
of bed at 3am this morning in a minor
frenzy because I felt compelled to tell the world my thoughts on Goats.
I know what
you and your friends from your local snark tank are thinking. You’re thinking “goats?, who cares about
goats?”. Exactly! Goats have a sneaky, nefarious and undue
influence on mankind and most of us aren’t
even aware of it. It’s time to examine the mysteries and motives
of these barnyard “animals”.
The next time you are in a petting zoo, take a close look at a Goat. You’ll see that their eyes are too far apart
and they look like a shark’s eyes and they have horns. Would you trust a person that looked like
this? Indeed Goats look like they were made
by Lucifer and are certainly not one of God’s creations. Why do they have horns anyway and what about
Goat’s milk and Goat Cheese? Don’t Cows
already produce enough high quality dairy products? Why is Goat Cheese more expensive and where
does that extra revenue go? Do these
facts add up to some kind of sinister plot?
Let us continue the examination.
In sports
you can often become a “Goat” or a “Hero” in the course of one play in one
game. Bill Buckner of the Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs is the perfect
example of this. As you may know, Buckner was an All-star
player at times in his long career but forever became a Goat to Red Sox Nation
when he misplayed one crucial ground ball in the 1986 World Series. Of course everyone knows the tale of The Curse of Billy the Goat. It seems that the owner of the
Billy Goat Tavern in Chicago was kicked out of a Cubs game because the pet goat
he brought was stinking up the joint. Goat
owner Billy Sianis cursed the Cubs and they have been a joke of Major League
Baseball ever since. Is it a coincidence
that Bill Buckner once played for the Cubs?
I don’t think so.
What about Goat behavior? Some people keep them because they are
natural lawn mowers but, truth is they will eat almost anything. Why do Goats scream like escaped lunatics for
Insurance company TV commercials? What
are they telling us there? Have you seen
the You Tube videos showing “Goat Tipping”?
No, it’s not giving a tip to a bad waiter. That’s “Donkey tipping”. It’s actually easy for humans to startle Goats
and cause them to faint and fall over on their side. Goat Tipping is fun for the whole family and
it’s much safer than cow tipping but, it makes me wonder what is the motivation
behind this strange behavior?
Most of us humans have been subconsciously
influence by Goats and we don’t even realize it. I myself have been sporting a Goatee beard and
rooting for the Minnesota Vikings, because they have horns, since I was 8 years
old. I have even glued a pair of horns to an Arizona Cardinals hat and taken
my one and only selfie while wearing my horns.
What else but, overdue Goat influence could possibly explain this
strangeness? Is it some kind of bovine-human
Conspiracy?
Why did Jim Breuer play “Goat Boy”
on TVs Saturday Night Live program? Could it be dismissed as just bad programming by a lousy network and a
mediocre comedian? ,,,Or was it,,,Goat influence?
You be the judge.
In conclusion, I want you to
think twice about what you’re doing before you buy a pigmy Goat for the kids or sit
around a campfire at night making s’mores and telling Goat stories. Ask yourself why you chose to have a pet Goat? What, aren’t Cats and Penguins cute enough? What compelled you to make that decision? Is there something sinister going on between
Goats and the Human Race? I say, stay
vigilant my friends and never ever ever trust a Goat.
Congratulations to Cubs fans everywhere.
Cubs are World Series Champions!
